tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
>> thanks for watching. >> stephen, stephen, i need to talk to you about a pizza. got a minute? >> no. gotcha! now, it's at the top of the show or act five. >> don't ask him. it's just my stunt double. >> how much do you even pay for this stunt double? >> gotta go. (theme song playing) >> tonight, stephen welcomes judge judy! zac posen! and w. ka-mao bell!
featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! what's up? ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you so much! welcome to "the late show"! hello, jon! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: how are you, my friend? good to see you! (cheers and applause) thank you! welcome to the shoavment i'm your host stephen colbert.
happy cinco de mayo! you guys love cinco de mayo? (cheers and applause) hey, you know who doesn't celebrate cinco de mayo? mexicans. you see, many americans, including me, think cinco de mayo is like mexico's fourth of july. but that's wrong. it's like their fifth of may. their big national celebration is september 16th, or november 9th, if donald trump loses. so, to my viewers watching down in mexico, let me explain our american mexican holiday, cinco de mayo: we celebrate the mexican army's valiant stand against french forces at the battle of puebla by wearing fake mustaches and vomiting discount margaritas.
now, a lot of discount margarita fans here tonight. and i sincerely hope that's not offensive, mexico. i want you to know that americans will use any occasion as an excuse to drink, no matter whose culture it is. (cheers and applause) we drink on st patty's day for the irish. we drink on oktoberfest for the germans, and we drink on thanksgiving to forget what we did to native americans. (applause) speaking of atrocities, donald trump. (laughter) is donald trump here tonight? no? good. that'll make this easier. trump gave his own nod to cinco de mayo.
on twitter. he posted: "happy cinco de mayo! the best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill. i love hispanics!" (audience reacts) okay, hispanics? the outreach has begun! and he's reaching as far as the trump tower grill! of course, not all hispanics love donald trump. today, boxing legend oscar de la hoya claimed that donald trump is a cheater on the golf course. after nine holes, he leaves the golf course for a younger one. (audience reacts) i know. it's true. it's true. yeah. true. it's called "making the turn." (laughter) i don't know if i could ever play golf with donald trump because i'd keep trying to putt my ball into his mouth to get a free game. (applause) of course, no scandal can touch trump now because he's already locked down the nomination. his next job will be to choose a running mate. and he's said he'll choose someone with political experience, who has held office
and is definitely a republican, so that rules him out. thank god. (laughter) can you imagine if donald trump was just a heartbeat away from the presidency? ah... whew. trump has graciously said that he's willing to consider some of his previous republican rivals, as long as they don't remember any of the things he said about them. so we might be looking at the ticket of "trump/liar '16." "trump/low energy '16." "trump/a face like that '16." "trump/lil' sweaty guy '16." all winning tickets. all winning tickets. (applause) but at the end of the day, there's only one person with whom donald already has great rapport and a working relationship.
>> together, we could own this town. >> stephen: that's right: vice president chris christie! (cheers and applause) yeah! we'll, i know who i'm choosing as my running mate. say hello to jon batiste and stay human everyone. >> jon: yeah, yeah, y'all! ♪ ♪ ♪ give it all ya got, now! ♪ give it! give it ♪ ♪ . >> stephen: yeah! (cheers and applause) >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: of course, you know, we're still all reeling from tuesday's primary in indiana.
it was a huge night. two people were knocked out of the race, and one was just knocked out. (laughter) she's fine. but there's one candidate who remained standing: bernie sanders. (cheers and applause) bernie -- bernie scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on the walking dead. (laughter) and yes, the delegate math looks terrible for bernie, but he is not going anywhere. >> do we have your word in this interview that you're not going to drop out before the democratic convention? >> absolutely. we have made that commitment. i'm going to be in it until the last vote is cast. >> stephen: of course, he's not dropping out! he's living every old person's dream: wherever he goes, thousands of grandkids show up to listen to his stories. (laughter) yes.
and i, for one -- i'm happy for bernie. he's always been a great friend of the show. whether as a guest, or as a temp worker operating our t-shirt cannon. i'm happy to say he did make $15 an hour for about 30 seconds. and bernie staying in the election means i can run my favorite thing we've ever done with him one more time: a video game we call "bubble burst bernie." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> when every major candidate has a super pac, we have said no to super pacs, said no to the billionaires who fund those super pacs! ♪ ♪ (applause) >> stephen: it's fantastic, isn't it? it's really entertaining and doesn't require political experience. just like being the g.o.p. nominee. and tonight, in honor of bernie's win, now you too can play. we at the late show are proud to present an actual version of
"bubble burst bernie" for your phone or laptop. just go to cbs.com/berniegame, and you can control bernie sanders! so, billionaires are not allowed to play. go on there and see if you beat the high score. of course, thanks to hillary clinton's super-delegates, you never can. speaking of which, now that donald trump is the presumptive g.o.p. nominee, hillary clinton is presumpting that she'll face him in the general election. which is why she's been busy courting anti-trump republicans, also known as congress. she figures she can pick up some votes because no g.o.p. candidate has been so reviled by the establishment since their 1884 nominee: tub of beef tallow in a top hat. she's appealing to what she calls "thoughtful republicans." so that would be people who want to repeal gay marriage with a nice, handwritten note? honey, our marriage is invalid, but look at this calligraphy, so thoughtful!
well, secretary clinton, if you're watching, i have a few tips for getting republicans to vote for you. this is "stephen colbert's just the tip: courting republicans edition." first up, remind them that no one has been more angry with bill clinton than you. (laughter) (applause) second, don't yell, they'll say you sound shrill, but don't be too calm, they'll say you're an ice queen. other than that: just be yourself! (laughter) third, say something that makes you relatable to republicans. for instance, "i don't like ted cruz." (laughter) and finally, remember all the mean things you said about barack obama when you were running against him in 2008? start saying them again. (laughter) we'll be right back with judge judy. ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! for the last 20 years, my first guest delivered justice with a side of verbal abuse on her emmy-winning courtroom program "judge judy." >> you said as long as he's gone before spring it shouldn't be an issue. >> i have a statement saying otherwise. >> i don't read statement. notized. i don't care if it's signed in blood. >> okay. he gets his truck back. the police will get it from your house.
>> but -- quiet! why. because i said so. ut -- quiet. you may be able to get over guys. you do not get over me. >> stephen: please welcome her honor, judge judy sheindlin! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: the people of "judge judy." does that surprise you at all? on tv, you terrify people. you terrify me a little bit. this is the first time we've ever met. with all due respect, i'm terrified of you. >> we've actually met before. >> stephen: where? i'm forgettable. >> stephen: the hedonist cruise we were on? >> no... you weren't there. (laughter)
no, we met at the susan komen walk for cancer. i was firing the gun for the walkers, you were firing for the runners, because i'm older. >> stephen: do you know what's fun about firing the gun for the runners, is it gives you an excuse not to be one of the runners. you've helped but not sweat. a suite combination. >> good to be there. >> stephen: congratulations on 20 years. >> 20 years. would you believe? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how long were you a judge before that? >> 15 years. >> stephen: so 35 years on the bench. tell it like it is, you know. you -- you know, you don't have much of a filter right here. you actually say exactly what's on your mind. >> my grandmother used to say, what's on your tongue is on your lung, what's on your lung is on your tongue, and that means that if you -- write it down -- (laughter) -- if you tell the truth, you don't have to have a good memory. >> stephen: oh, okay.
and if you're reasonably consistent with your philosophy, you know, it works for me. >> stephen: well, you've got a very accessible philosophy. off lot of saying people love called judyisms. >> that's true. >> stephen: they might be more popular than actual judaism. (laughter) my favorite is don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. okay. >> yeah. >> stephen: i might go you one better and just say don't pee on my leg. >> period. >> stephen: maybe if i'm stung by a jellyfish. but that's the only reason. >> i know it works. >> stephen: you know it works? yes, i do. >> stephen: go ahead, tell the story. what happened? >> you really want that story. >> stephen: i do. we were traveling with all our children and we were swimming or snorkeling and one of the kids got stung by a jellyfish and he's a physician and his wife is a physician and that was the closest solution they had was to remove the venom. >> stephen: who was the doctor in this case?
>> she was the doctor. he was the patient. >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: and how mad are they going to be at you that you just told that story? >> i don't know, probably very angry. >> stephen: you don't have a problem with that because you just tell it like it is. >> i thought of it as you said it and i thought of it and shared it with you. >> stephen: a lot of people are saying one of trump's appeals is he just says it like it is. do you feel like he's taken your style? >> and then some. >> stephen: yes. yeah. >> and you may accuse donald of a whole bunch of things, but you know what he's thinking because he repeats himself and says it over and over again, and people believe what he's saying to them. he's saying, this is what i think, this is what i'm going to do. i'm going to make america great again. well, we all want to hear that. can you deliver on that promise? i don't know. >> stephen: what if he had the right vice president, maybe he could. have you thought about if he came to you and said, judge
judy, come on -- >> that would actually be terrible. >> stephen: why would it be terrible? for people who don't want trump to win, would be terrible because i think you would be a nice anchor to the ticket. you would balance it out, get the women's vote. >> i actually think if donald -- and it appears that he's going to be the candidate of the republican party -- >> stephen: sure does. -- then it would be nice if he had somebody with good experience with government to act as a running mate. that would seem to me only logical and i don't. i know the family court and my little television courtroom and i'm too old and i don't like to work so hard. (laughter) and it doesn't pay enough. >> stephen: no, what a pay cut. you have to take a pay cut to be vice president. >> that's it. >> stephen: so boring. what do you do? >> you don't get to make any decisions. >> yeah, just go to the funerals. >> i love a monarchy. >> stephen: queen judy? i could live with that.
>> stephen: queen judy i? (cheers and applause) would you be a benevolent monarch. >> a benevolent despot, yes (laughter) >> stephen: if you could wave your queen wand, would you allow cameras into all courtrooms like yours? >> oh, absolutely. i have cameras in my courtroom. fortunately, i have cameras in my courtroom. >> stephen: what about the supreme court? they don't want them. >> the american public pays a whole lot for a justice system and i don't see any reason they don't get to see every way it functions and if it doesn't function well, they can change it. >> stephen: there is transcripts and audio, but you want to see the cameras if there? >> well, let's talk about, you see how we're interacting? >> stephen: i do. we can tell when we're pulling each other's leg and whether we like each other. >> stephen: when we're peeing on each other's legs.
>> we can tell by our body language whether we're telling the truth. you can't see that in the transcript of a trial, but if you have appellate courts who are reviewing a case, whether they're going to affirm it or change the ruling, if they had the opportunity instead of reading the dry transcript to sit back with a vodka and watch it on video, then you would have -- forget the vodka -- >> stephen: don't forget the vodka. >> -- then you would have people who actually had the opportunity to see the demeanor of the witnesses and to determine their credibility, why would you -- >> stephen: how much of your judging is based on body language? >> a lot. >> stephen: i don't like the cut of this person's jib? >> no, let me tell you -- i can tell when someone is lying. for instance, take fair-skinned women. when they lie, their chest gets to be a bright red. i can tell. their chest and their cheeks turn a bright red. as soon as somebody starts to
lie to me, their mouth gets dry. some people develop that -- remember the nixon fuzz over here. >> stephen: the sweat. it cost him the election. right? >> stephen: i don't know. you don't remember. >> stephen: i don't remember. i forgot, i have food in my refrigerator older than you are. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: how are you going to celebrate mother's day, by the way? how many children do you have? >> we have five children. >> stephen: and 13 grandchildren. >> yes. >> stephen: congratulations. thank you. >> stephen: does bernie appeal to you at all because he tells it like it is. >> bernie tells it like it is from his perspective. >> stephen: trump or bernie? oh, my god, i can't make a choice. >> stephen: judge, i need you to judge, judge. no, i can't. i actually can't get my head wrapped around that. but i know that bernie sanders
believes what he's preaching. you have to give him credit. he believes it whether you believe that he can do anything is another story. >> stephen: so you believe bernie is telling the truth and trump is telling the truth, when you look at their body language. >> just a second. i said bernie is telling the truth. (applause) >> stephen: is trump telling the truth? >> just a second. donald isle telling the truth when he says, i want to see america great again. >> stephen: there is nothing about him, his chest doesn't turn flush? it doesn't worry you he turns the color of your jacket when he talks? >> i actually, stephen, don't think that donald thinks that he's not telling the truth. i think that -- >> stephen: that's a weird sentence. >> i think that he believes, when he's speaking to people, that he wants to do certain things. i think he's gone off the rails a little with some of his talk,
and i think the way he delivers the message is all wrong. >> stephen: yeah. but evidently, i'm not in the majority, because the majority of people who voted in this year's primaries, even though they may have been slightly put off by his delivery and they had options, they had reasoned options, they didn't choose them. >> stephen: they definitely did not choose reason. >> you explain -- you explain why. >> stephen: i can't possibly explain why. >> and neither can i. >> stephen: if he wins, come back, and perhaps you can put me in a witness relocation program. judy, thank you so much for being here. (cheers and applause) check your local listings for the 20th anniversary season of "judge judy." we'll be right back! ♪ (cheers and applause)
♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i am so excited for what i'm about to talk about here because i am a huge fan of space. i occupy more and more of it all the time. but there's a crisis facing the integrity of our nation's space program, and it's called astronaut ice cream. you remember this stuff? did you guys like it? yeah, i loved it. the name has everything a kid could want. i mean, astronaut and ice cream? they might as well call it "dinosaur snow-day." the name is so great, it didn't matter that it tasted like a brick of sweetened sidewalk chalk. but brace yourself, because it's been revealed nearly fifty years after the fact that astronaut ice cream was never eaten by astronauts in space. yes, astronaut ice cream is a fraud.
it's never been for astronauts, and it sure as hell has never been ice cream. so i hope you had a good childhood. because it's over now. i don't know what to believe anymore. turns out, the only dessert that actually has been to space is frozen chimp. what's next? are we going to find out that dippin' dots aren't from the future? well, i for one refuse to live in a world where astronaut ice cream is a lie. so, recently, we here at the "late show with stephen colbert" took it upon ourselves to make this dream a reality and actually launched astronaut ice cream to the edge of the cosmos. ♪ ♪ (phone ringing) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> stephen: today, i stand before you, a citizen of humanity whose mission is clear, to finally send astronaut ice cream to space. (applause) we choose this challenge not because it's easy but because i have a television show, and it is easy. (applause) now, there are those who will say, why send ice cream to space? to those, i say, i do not know, but i'm not the one who claimed to have done it in the 1960s. so today, with the help of the most advanced technology known to man, a balloon and a guy in an astronaut costume, ice cream will finally travel to space! (applause)
to space. the final frontier. now i had to boldly go find where the hell it landed. ♪ ♪ ♪ quiet. it's close. you want to take a left up here. there it is. let's. go (band playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: you got it? get up there. get up there. get up there. get the box! you going to break it! got it! thank you! got it! (cheers and applause) play! play! (playing beautiful balloon) ♪ ♪
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but ninety percent don't know it. you could be one of them. talk to your doctor about small lifestyle changes that can prevent you from getting type 2 diabetes. sponsored by nacdd with support from the centers for disease control and prevention. visit cdc.gov/prediabetes ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is a designer judge on bravo's project runway and he lit up the met gala this week, please welcome zac posen!
(cheers and applause) ♪ thanks so much for being here. come on up. (cheers and applause) you look very handsome tonight. i assume that's a zac posen original. >> it's my brooks brothers. >> stephen: you wear brooks brothers. >> i do. >> stephen: doesn't seem as fashionable as what zac posen would be in. >> i custom design it. >> stephen: everything is a zac posen if you're wearing it. >> yes. >> stephen: i want to talk about the met gala the other nite where you stole with your dress for claire danes (applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: you got your big break in 2000 when you designed a dress fourne for naomi campbe. this is you at 19. what does it do when somebody
like naomi campbell wears your outfit? >> it's huge. i met her in school in the u.k., i'm a new yorker, and she wore it and the "new york times" did a piece called a star is born, on me, and the best dress to have the season isn't on the catwalk, it's by a young genius in training, yada, yada, yada. >> stephen: how difficult to talk about yourself with the word "genius" (laughter) >> killed it from the beginning. it was very hard. >> stephen: you've done red carpet designs for a lot of people. you've done michelle obama, opera. do you have to think of that person's personality or is it the occasion that leads you the most when you're creating a dress for someone. >> everything. i have to be a cultural receive dish, and say what's happening at that moment? what are their goals? it's always about an empowerment of a woman, representing
intelligent woman, in touch with their femininity and from there we take it. if it's oprah and she's neckline and wants sparkle or ombrey, we work with that. >> stephen: what is ombrey? isn't that spanish for man? (laughter) >> no, ombrey is where you fade a color into another color. >> stephen: why wouldn't you call it a fade? >> it's an ombrey and it becomes a fad and not a fade. >> stephen: you're really good. you're really good at this. i'm not sure i can keep up. the other night at the met gala, i was so blown away with the dress you made for claire danes. >> thank you. >> stephen: let me get a quick photograph of it here. this is the photograph and my wife i'vey whom you also dressed came in right behind her. >> your wife looked stunning. >> stephen: she did. he sent me beautiful flowers today.
what an elegant woman. >> stephen: what a lovely lady. >> yes. >> stephen: i sent you nothing! (laughter) and this is the dress, but the dress has an incredible feature to it. what is it made of? >> it's made out of fiber optics. >> stephen: like a woven -- it's woven fiber optics. i have a sample. >> stephen: you have a sample. i go in on the weekends and drape. i take fabric, put it on a mannequin, build the dress with my hands, very old school. i wanted it to electrify. you can see the ends. so what you're looking at is light on the surface traveling, and we developed the fabric and had to wait a week before the met gala for the fabric to come in. >> okay. >> stephen: and i wanted something that used technology, that was the theme. >> stephen: the theme of the night was technology. is there a lot of technology being used in fashion now? >> yes. technology and computers' roots
are in textiles. >> stephen: what do you mean? well, you know, in 1801 -- we're going way back -- 1801, you have something -- when you see a jacquard, when you see a pattern woven in fabric, it's called a jacquard. to make a jacquard it's a complicated many threats that loom together and, from there, it's done through punch cards. >> stephen: old computer punch cards. >> those punch cards became music punch cards on the role and then became for early computers. >> stephen: so our computer programming punch cards have their root in making fabrics? >> in making textiles and jacquard fabrics in 1801. >> stephen: wow, is there going to be a test at the end? >> we can have a fashion test. >> stephen: let's have a test now. i want everyone to see the dress. we have a model wearing the dress now, if we could bring her out right now.
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: as beautiful as it is right now, it's even more beautiful when we dim the lights. >> that's the surprise. >> stephen: jim, can we bring it down? (audience reacts) (cheers and applause) incredible. well, you can find zac posen designs at zacposen.com. zac posen, everybody. >> thank you. >> stephen: congratulations. beautiful dress. ♪ (cheers and applause) the value of nissan's intelligent safety shield technologies... hey, you wanna go for a ride? so we enlisted some everyday experts. i'm a firefighter. i'm a nurse.
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his new cnn series is "united shades of america." please welcome w. kamau bell! (cheers and applause) ♪ why can't we be friends ♪ why can't we be friends ♪ why can't we be friends (cheers and applause) >> stephen: w. kamau bell or just kamau. >> we know each other so kamau is fine. >> stephen: we met right over there. why the w.? is there another kamau bell out there that you want to separate yourself from? >> you have to separate yourself from the pack. i meet them all the time. >> stephen: i understand that. congratulations on "united shades of america." what's that title mean? (applause) >> thank you three people. i appreciate that. i travel around the country as a comedian. i live in the bay area. i know there are lots of different people out there in the world and i think it's important to try to sit down and have as many conversations with
people and learn from them and be funn funny at the same time. i'm going for a nobel peace prize. obama got one. >> stephen: what's keeping you back? >> i'm two weeks into my show. i think it's on the way. >> stephen: one thing is a black guy goes where he shouldn't. where is that. >> basically if you leave your house as a black person you're in dangerous territory. i go further. i will go to towns to do comedy and as soon as i walk in they go, you must be the comedian, just because i don't look like ashould be there. they're, like, you should be funny or you're in the wrong place. >> stephen: you went to one place specifically that seemed like the wrong place. >> yes. >> stephen: you met members of the clan. >> the k.k.k., not a scottish clan. >> stephen: klan with a k. yes. >> stephen: and you spoke to some of the leaders about
whether they were hateful racist or violent. we have a clip. >> the klan to me is a tool to reach people. i feel it gets the biggest bang for the buck and that's why i joined the klan. >> okay. but my personal belief is that black people cannot maintain law and order on their own. >> really? that's my personal belief. and why do you think that is? white people have an inner drive for discipline and law and order. >> all white people? no, not all white people. (laughter) >> stephen: well... uh... great restraint shown by you in that interview. is that tough to sit there and listen to that? >> it was tough to try to sit there and eat. we were eating lunch. i couldn't take in the hatred and eat a bugger at the same time. it was too much multi-tasking. >> stephen: i found there are really delicious racist barbecue in the world, though. >> there is, yeah.
>> stephen: did you go to a cross burning. >> yes, i went to the first shooting, met the crew the night before the hotel and the first shooting, we went to a cross burning. first day of work, a cross burning. >> stephen: how do you keep yourself calm when there are people burning a cross, such a symbol of hate. you try to make connections with these people. >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you make a connection with people whose entire political ethos is to divide the races? >> i definitely went there because i knew we were making this as a tv show. i would not have gone to hang out with the klan myself. >> yeah, i understand that. >> stephen: i knew the whole time there is a greater thing we were trying to do if it ends up in a jerry springer chair episode, it won't do what it's supposed to. i listen, process, try to make them laugh. then when they started burning the cross, i relied on the weight of black people's history to keep me in the moment. i felt like i couldn't run out
of here and scream and i had to witness it. a lot of people who attended a cross burning didn't get out alive and i thought i get to leave so i accepted it. >> stephen: i take it there is a weight on the way white people have treated other people in this nation that there is a land mind for unwitting racist behavior or statements. what is the most racist thing you think people do without thinking it's racist? >> i think the most racist thing people do without thinking it's racism is like a sentence like this -- i'm not raysist but... i think the minute you try to pretend, especially in a white person's country, you're not actually benefiting from racism in white supremacy, the minute you're accepting that, you're leaning into racism. >> stephen: well i'm not racist but let me just ask this -- (laughter) is there a particular racism that black people engage in that
you're aware of? >> when you say racism, a lot of people way smarter than me like cornell west, the guy i try to look like. >> stephen: got to get a bigger beard. >> working on it. >> stephen: yeah. academics don't believe you can be racist if you're a black person. we can be prejudice but racist implies power and institutions behind it. i can be prejudice and not like white people but i can't not like them and not give them their voting rights. south a very different thing. >> stephen: yeah, you're lucky because as a white person it's super easy for me to be racist. i don't even have to try. >> wake up in the morning, racism! >> stephen: what did you think of larry willmore and the way he ended his speech with the n word with the president? >> i like larry willmore. he was playing to the people at home. i didn't appreciate all the cnn
jokes. that's my new network. he said he remembers when cnn used to be a news network. and that was a shot at me. i said i remember when a show like the daily show was funny. (laughter) >> stephen: "united shades of america" airs on cnn sunday night. thank you so much w. kamau bell. ♪ why can't we be friends
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be lily tomlin, kumel nanjiani, and performance by comedien ryan hamilton. don't go away, james corden is next with his guest sharon stone. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight. ♪ anyway you go you will find love. ♪ the "late, late show." ♪. >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from nowhere and everywhere mu