tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
>> thanks so much for watching, oh, come on. all right, come on. oh, jeez. oh. my hand is stuck. >> it's a lost cause. >> it is not a lost cause. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: what are you doing here? >> well, i don't take money from billionaires but i do check every vending machine change slot. >> stephen: come on. $27. >> nothing. >> stephen: hey, wait, aren't you going to. >> tell you about the west virginia primary tomorrow? >> stephen: ah, sure? >> well, i think we got a shot to win.
and i'll tell you why. it's because in west virginia like every place else in this country too many people are working longer hours for low wages and they want change, stephen. >> stephen: okay, but even if you do well tomorrow, the delegate math is against you. so isn't this win really only a win. it's not really a win. >> not really. >> stephen: maybe both. i don't know. >> here's the story. it's a narrow shot but we still have a chance to win a majority of the pledged delegates. we're going to fight for every last vote and at the end of the day i hope and believe that we are going to win this. >> stephen: but at a certain point don't you have to say i'm not going to get the thing that i want. look at me, i'm never going to get my candy. >> you've got to believe, stephen. >> stephen: thank you. >> you can't give up on that contested con feks. you've got to rock the system. >> stephen: got it. >> great. we came together. we did it.
now how about we share that hundred grand bar. >> stephen: i knew it! >> tonight, stephen welcomes kaley cuoco, dan savage and a musical performance by the nationals. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) hey, everybody! welcome to the late show, everybody.
hey! hey, man. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey! welcome to the late show. thanks so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. everybody have a nice weekend? lovely mother's day was this weekend. anybody see "captain america: civil war"? anybody see that? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: yeah, whooo! it is also what i will say when i see it cuz here's the thing, it was also mother's day this weekend, like i said. and despite my best efforts to convince my wife that twizzlers and junior mints count as mother's day brunch, she was not buying it. "captain america: civil war" might be a little hard to follow for those of who haven't seen the 12 other marvel movies, but all you need to know going in is that half of the guys are fighting the other half of the
guys because of reasons. (laughter) speaking of civil war, north carolina is in the news. (laughter) true, true. a tow truck driver, a tow truck driver in asheville, north carolina, who supports donald trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a bernie sanders bumper sticker on her car. >> boo! >> stephen: hard to tell what side you are on. telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help. he then drove away on a road, i assume he paveed himself. he says-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: the guy says whenever he deals with bernie supporters they don't pay him, as opposed to the trump supporters who make mexico pay
him. (laughter) this guy did it for the best possible reasons. he said i think the lord came to me. and he just said get in the truck and leave. and when i got in the truck, you know, i was so proud. that does sound like something jesus would say. (laughter) it's like the story of the good samaritan where he sees an injured man stranded bid side of the road and is about to help him. but then realizes he's got a canaanite bumper sticker and he peels out in his chariot yelling make samaria great again. meanwhile-- (cheers and applause). >> stephen: i don't think i can-- that's going to be blurred. meanwhile, in international news, the government of china has announced that they are banning live streams of women is he duckively eating bananas. did you hear about this. >> yeah, i heard about it. >> stephen: quite disturbing. this is terrible news. now chinese teenage boys have to resort to the sports illustrated produce issue. officials say-- because the
produce issue would have people with fruit, doing sexual things with vegetables. okay, officials say,-- there are footnotes on that joke. officials say the videos are porn graphic and that they encourage viewers to break laws and harm social morality. so true. rarely do these videos end in a stable long-term relationship with the banana. but not everybody sees this as pornography. here to talk about this controversy is someone who has participated in a number of these live streams, please welcome the banana, ladies and gentlemen. (applause) thank you, thank you for coming, mr. banana. >> hey, that is my most popular film. >> stephen: all right, all right. mr. banana, mr. banana, how do
you feel about this chinese censorship? >> it's wrong to call it porn. it's art, baby. it tells the story of a lonely woman who needs potassium and a brave hero who rises to the occasion. it's basically "the english patient." >> stephen: i don't know about that. it looks more like porn than art. >> hey, potatoe potahto, by the way, if you want to see porn, you ought to see a woman eat a potatoe. uh-huh, fully loaded, it's nice. >> stephen: thank you, mr. banana. >> here's a freebie for you right now. oh yeah, mr. banana. >> stephen: thank you, thank you, thank you, mr. banana. thank you, mr. banana, everyone. (applause) i don't know about you but i would like to follow up that with a power cleanser. say i had to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. >> yeah! hello!
♪ (cheers and applause). >> stephen: i can go for a banana right now. the 2016 election is fast approaching. and november will be here any day now. probably sometime after halloween. this is the road to the white house. >> get ready because you're going to be working your asses off. >> stephen: now that donald trump is the presumptive gop nominee, tomorrow's west virginia primary is not exactly crucial. but that did not stop him from holding a rally there on thursday to remind everyone of their important role in the democratic process.
>> you know, you don't have to vote any more. save your vote for the general election, okay. forget this one. the primary is gone. >> stephen: yes. it is an inspiring meses age it reminded me of patrick henry's immore tal battle cry, give me liberty or don't, forget this one, i don't give a crap. (applause) it doesn't matter. doesn't matter. but trump wasn't just in west virginia to make calls to inaction, he was also there to accept the endorsement of the west virginia coal association which, like all endorsements, comes with a free hat. >> i will put it on. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: wow! wow, he really looks like a miener, right down to that orange soot on his face from years in the dorito mines.
and i'm sure-- i'm sure-- (applause) i'm sure all the coal minute errs there related to-- miners related to this motion. when they go out after work and play lacrosse. (laughter) 16 pounds, what do you got. and gone. that wasn't trump's only attempt at mime in this speech. he also pretended to drive a car, write a letter, answer a phone and conduct an orchestra. (laughter) so even if he doesn't end up leaving the country, he could definitely lead an improv class. but trump showed he understanded number one health risk associated with coal mining, hat hair. >> does my hair look okay. got a little spray. give me a little spray.
you know, you're not allowed to use hairspray any more because it affects the o zone you know that right. in the old days you put the ozone on it was good. today you put the hair strai on, it's good for 12 minutes, right. but you know they say that you can't-- i said wait a minute, so if i take hairspray and if i spray it in my apartment which is all sealed and, you're telling me that affects the ozone layer? yes. i say no way, folks. no way. (laughter). >> stephen: truly, truly spoken like a man who spent years inhaling aerosol in a poorly vent lated room. (cheers and applause) no way. no. i was surprised to sew trump so hung up on the current state of hairspray. because i looked it up and the hairspray that destroyed the
ozone was banned in 1978. so trump has been mad about hairspray for 38 years. to put that in perspective, a woman born in 1978 would have been married and divorced from donald trump by now. i can't wait, i can't wait to see the rest of his 1978 platform. why doesn't tab taste as good. so what if saccharin gives rats cancered. we're worried about rats now, it's ridiculous. i miss flammable pajamas. it made smoking in bed much more exciting. why do we have to wear those seatbelts with the stupid shoulder straps. lap belts work fine. i like my head to slam into the dash board. let me-- let me shake out a-- (applause) i need a moment to shake out of my impression. that's how deep it is.
but i am interested to see how this speech went over with voters in west virginia. so joining me now, live via satellite from west virginia is coal miner earl van zandt. good evening, mr. van zandt. >> hi there, stephen. how are you doing, everybody? how are you doing there, stephen? >> stephen: mr. van zandt, did you happen to see donald trump's speech in west virginia why. >> sure did,i love trump. i was even going to vote for him till he told me not to. >> stephen: so you related to the speech. >> damn right. i used to think trump was just an out of touch billionaire but then he put on that hat and i realized he's just a regular hat wearing guy with a head that can hold a hat. pretty impressive. >> stephen: okay, i can understand that. but did it surprise you at all when he spent a significant part of his speech talking about hairspray. >> hell no! trump's the only candidate that understands that when you are a coal miner miles underground
your number one concern is lasting hold. but you know, not too stiff. as a coal miner i still want touchable hair. see? cheesier plaws-- (cheers and applause) >> beautiful, luxurious hair. >> stephen: yeah, lovely, your hair, your hair seems to be holding together nicely. >> yeah, that's cuz of this here can of aqua net from 1954. there handed down from my grandpappy. >> stephen: wow, make sure you get some ventlation in there. >> that's right. >> stephen: clearly trump knows more about coal miners than i thought. >> sure does, well, back to work. (laughter). >> stephen: earl van zandt, everybody. we'll be right back with kaley cuoco. working in the coal mien. ♪ working in the cole mine going
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>> stephen: my first guest tonight stars in one of the most popular shows in america "the big bang theory." >> how did it go with my mother. >> you know, it started a little rocky but i think we got to a good place. >> whoa, well done. >> yeah, and when i dropped her off at the hotel she even gave me a hug. >> did she think you were choking or-- i'm sorry, that's great. thank you for spending time with her. >> no problem. u m, so listen, i don't know if you have any plans next weekend but i kind of promised your mom we would have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time. >> wait, we're going to get married gerch?
>> yeah, kind of. and now we can invite our friends and family. >> looks like a lot of trouble for a hug. >> stephen: please welcome kailee cuoco. (applause) >> hi! hi. >> stephen: mr. banana wasn't inappropriate backstage, was he? >> you know, i thought i would take this time with everyone so concerned about who i am dating to say that is who i am dating, bananaman. >> stephen: lovely banana. >> in a serious relationship, yeah. it is great to see him again. >> stephen: don't go to china. >> i will not. >> stephen: we have freedom in america for you to date a giant man banana. >> do whatever i want, exactly. >> stephen: do you know what a man banana is, a manana. >> that was cute. >> stephen: that's all we have time for. thank you for coming.
>> great. >> stephen: notes on the clip, you talking about moms, happy mother's day. did you spend time with your mom this weekend. >> you know what, i actually traveled on sunday. so i did not see her. but i did text her. so that is the new-age way to say happy mother's day. >> stephen: it is, it is. and was she okay with that? >> yeah, i still haven't heard back. haven't talked to her in a few days. but she-- . >> stephen: yeah, i'm sure she is fine. she gets to see you all the time. >> she's fine. >> stephen: she sees you every week on television. that is the nice thing on tv is that mom gets to see you all the time. >> never have to check in. she just watches the show. yeah. >> stephen: that's nice, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: on the season finale of the ninth season coming up. >> yes, i know. can i not believe it. >> stephen: that was pretty fast, right. >> nine years. it's gone by so fast. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you. >> stephen: how do you feel, they are applauding nine years. >> i'm nine years older, yeah, rough. >> stephen: do you like playing a character for nine years. i played a character for nine years. and i enjoyed playing a
character for nine years. do you ever feel like the character and you have a lot in common now after nine years of living together? >> i have definitely lived with her for nine years. yeah. i live next door to people so that's the same aspeny. very similar. >> stephen: yeah, sure. >> hair colors stay the same. >> stephen: that's nice. >> i think i love actually for real that they have given her such a voice and she can be sar cass particular with these guys. >> stephen: >> stephen: very outspoken. >> i feel i'm outspoken too. it has got enemy in trouble,. >> stephen: that is the nature of it. you wouldn't have been called outspoken if you haven't gotten in trouble for something you said. are you just someone who has spoken. if you get in trouble, they say she is outspoken. >> yeah, s e says words, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: after you have spoken, someone said ouch. -- out. >> yeah. >> stephen: did i strike a nerve? i did strike a nerve just now?
is that real? >> it made me laugh. it's very real. >> stephen: the other characters on the show are getting married and having babies. your character got married. >> character got married. >> stephen: to leonard. >> yes. >> stephen: are you guys going to have a baby. >> oh, i hope not. i don't like working with kids. >> stephen: really? >> no. >> stephen: happy mother's day. >> isn't that nice. >> stephen: they could text you. why, it could be nice. you have kids of your own. >> no, no, no, i like kids. i don't want to work with them. don't want to be around them. you know, babies are really tough to work with. they require-- people carry them in. they are the biggest divas you could possibly have around. they are carried in. they only work like six minutes. guess what, i would like to only work six minutes. i think it is obnoxious. they make any sounds that they want. they talk, they cry. i would like to cry once in a while. but as an adult, we aren't allowed to-- allowed to do that. i feel that the babies can do whatever the hell they want and i don't think that's fair. and i don't want to work with
them. >> stephen: that's fine. (applause) how do you feel about puppies, or anything like that. >> hate puppies. (laughter) puppies are the worst. not cute at all. oh. >> stephen: so you are an ice queen, absolutely-- that's nice. >> no, i love puppies. i love puppies, come on. without doesn't love a puppy. just don't work with them. >> stephen: after nine years of doing the show, the show is full of-- your character is not sort of the nerd character. you are the-- you used to sort of make fun of the nerd characters on the show. >> yes. >> stephen: but after all the the years, of people talking about science on the show, have you absorbed any of it. can you fake your way through a scientific conversation now? (laughter) >> no, i would like to pretend that i could. and the guys on the show like to say they learn things. they haven't learned anything. >> stephen: really? >> no, no, no, no. >> stephen: all bs. >> it is all bs. i mean we have real people there who have actual real brains who write all of that stuff.
and we, not so much. we just say what is on the page and do the best that we can to get through. >> stephen: that is very outspoken. >> i'm going to hear about this tomorrow. >> stephen: so you're not a science nerd, are you a nerd about anything. do you have nir own nerd zone you live in. i prefer to call it an enthusiast. >> i guess mine would have to be horses, because that's my-- i think if you are obsessed with something like that, you can be a little nerdy. horses, i don't work with them. but horses. >> stephen: you don't work with them, we understand, you sent us a clip of you actually getting enthusiastic with a horse. can we see this? >> oh dear. >> stephen: no, no. look at that. look at that. that's you on that horse. >> yeah, that's me. >> stephen: what is the horses name. >> his name is poker. yeah, he's cool. he-- i have a picture. i'm not kidding. >> he loves in n out burgers, he
loved it. >> stephen: you know they're vegetarians, right? >> you know what, i think he-- he actually took the bread off and the meat. he actually really just ate the lettuce. he was very smart. he keeps the calories,. >> stephen: next time please come back with poker. >> i will bring poker. >> stephen: that would be great. >> that would be great. and babies and puppies. do do not have any babies here when i get her, or puppies. i love puppies, everyone knows that. >> stephen: we'll see if are you as cold as you seem. the big bang theory, warm, the big bang theory season finale airs this thursday at 8:00 on cbs. kaley cuoco, everybody. we'll be right back.
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advice colume savage love for the last 25 years. please welcome dan savage. nice to see you. people love dan, isn't that nice. >> i lover them back. >> congratulations on 25 years of savage love. >> thanks. >> you also have the savage love cast. >> yes. >> stephen: that is your podcast. >> i was one of the original podcasters. it is one of the top podcasts in the world. >> stephen: wow. we have not spoken, i always love interviewing you, you are always a gret guest to have on the show. but we haven't talked since the supreme court ruled that gay marriage would be legal or laws against gay marriage were unconstitutional in all 50 states. >> right. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: a,
congratulations. >> thanks. >> stephen: you were already married before this happened. >> right, i got married in canada in 2003. >> stephen: okay. >> to my husband now of 21 years. >> stephen: okay. >> so you know how unstable those gay relationships are. >> stephen: how did this change for you? what was the first thing you did when you found out? >> i cried, actually, sitting and reading justice kennedy's decision, overturning bans on same-sex marriages in the states where they were still banned. and it was kind of a weird thing because gay people have been called disordered for so long. and there was this line at the end of the decision. a lot of people quoted from the decision. there were lots of moving pass ages in justice kennedy's decision but there was this one line at the end that i got to it, and i sobbed. and the line was it is so ordered. which is actually the line at the end ofev ree supreme court decision. and it just, like, hit me after so many years of being called disordered, that this decision, really granting gays and lesbians nearly full civil equality in our society ended
with the word "ordered" that we were actually ordered. not disordered, so on. >> stephen: you are saying nearly. you say nearly full equality. what is the next fight in your opinion? >> well there are several fights for lgbt equality. ongoing it is still legal in half of the united states to fire someone for being lesbian, gay, bi or transor throw them out of apartments and there are movements in north carolina to legalize-- we have to pass civil right pros teks, employment rights protections and roll back tease anti-transand others bills. >> stephen: let's talk about lgbtq issues and i'm throwing the "quks" in there, that it if is a good union, what gus q stand for. >> it depends on who you ask. it can be qi, lfts. we're just going to sing the alphabet song pretty soon and be done with it. >> stephen: scweriously. >> lesbian, gay, bi, trans,
queer, questioning, intersex, asexual, leather fetish, too spirit, just like there are lots of people under our umbrella. >> stephen: maybe there should be one overarching word we could use like human or something like that. >> that would be nice. >> stephen: because it's confusing, because every person has got their own differences from another person. but it can be confusing for swin who even wants to understand, such as myself to keep up with the nom enclay ture. can you be sim pathetic to that. >> it is confusing to me. every once in a while i see the new iteration and i don't know what the letters stand for. >> stephen: you just set up the-- community. >> i will be accused of being-- phobic by the time the show is over. >> stephen: by the way, i think that is the sound they make when they make love,-- can i do that? >> yeah, if but you can't do it on chinese internet. >> stephen: how do you feel about that chinese banana ban. do you think they are on to something. >> first they came for the bananas. who knows where that ends. >> stephen: so here is what is happening in north carolina.
the justice department has said that the north carolina law stating that people must use a bathroom associated with the gender on their birth certificate has been called a violation of civil rights by the justice department. nofort carolina countersued and now the justice department this afternoon counter sued the countersuit. >> all over where people who have already been using bathrooms all over this country forever without incident can continue to use the bathroom. that this is all about an imaginary threat. this is the same stuff what they are saying about transpeople in north carolina and other stuff that they used to say about gay men. that gay men preyed on children, that we lurked in bathrooms, that we recruited and they couldn't tell these lies any more about gays and lesbians so they just started telling these lies now about transpeople. and they couldn't tell the lies about gays and lesbians, because really, neil patrick harris wouldn't do that. ellen wouldn't do that. once people got to know us and we were coming out, people didn't believe this, these lies any more. they are telling about transpeople, that people don't know yet. but because we now have
transpublic figures like laverne cox and caitlyn jenner. >> stephen: why did you do that caitlyn jenner hand gesture. why did you go---- why-- (laughter). >> stephen: why the-- the-- the-- community and the-- why, why. >> i don't know. i don't know. i was never a big fan of the kardashians all along. (applause). >> stephen: but do you think caitlyn jenner has been positively good or pass tiffly. >> the discussion of kaitd lynn jenner has kick kicked off has been great for the transgenter. the program i am kate feature other transpeople, representing and that's good. so that people can see that transpeople really are as dirve and diverse as any other group of people are. and am i a fan of cat lynn caitlyn jenner, caitlyn jenner was going to vote for ted cruz. and i'm not typically a fan of people that are going to vote for ted cruz. >> stephen: i understand that. yeah, yeah. (applause)
there are gay republicans and there is a transrepublican. there are gay republicans who support candidates who would want to roll back say the right to get married. have you had conversations with some of those people to try to understand where they are coming from? >> i have had conversations with those people. in the same spirit that i sometimes have conversations with crazy people on the subway. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> some people are-- some people are hard to understand. >> stephen: okay, i will make you speak for the lgbtq-- community right now. what is the relationship like with trump? >> it's complicated. because i think trump is a dangerous demogogu e and racist and will be bad for queer people if he gets elected. it will be bad for all americans if he gets elected. (cheers and applause) but. >> stephen: is he very popular. >> he's very popular with some
people, with the republican base he's popular. let's not extrapolate that to all the american people. >> stephen: no, no. >> but he has not really emphasized marriage equality or discriminating the lgbt people. he tully said that he opposed laws criminalizing transpeople using the bathrooms that are appropriate for them to use. and so it's kind of a mixed bag. although he has surrounded himself with homophobes like ben carson, like chis yis christie and promised to put people on the supreme courted that will force imaginer equal and-- i don't trust trump in the long-term but he has not-- . >> stephen: is there an uncomplicated relationship with the hillry clinton campaign? >> yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: is it cli kateed well whens hillary clinton is good on lgbt-- . >> stephen: she wasn't always. >> she wasn't always good on, like gay marriage. but neither was barack obama. when you go to somebody, you go to a politician and you say please change your mind. when they change their mind, you don't then spend the rest of their lives going [bleep] for not changing your mind sooner.
you say welcome to the right side of this issue. we're glad to you have. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, i'm glad to you have here it was lovely to see you again. savage love cast is available on itunes, dan savage, everybody. we'll be right back. -e asleep ! pause for laughter. ah, okay, they're playing me off. thank you so much! i'll be a lot more natural. ♪
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>> stephen: welcome back everybody. you know, i don't want this show to just be entertaining. i also want to be full of useful information for you. for instance, did you know that 95% of americans believe in astrology. now that number isn't true or accurate, but neither is astrology. (laughter) that's fair. either way, horoscopes are superpopular so no matter which of the 12 kinds of human being you are, i invite you-- invite you to abandon your free will to
the heavens in stephen colbert's star signs. let us listen to the stars. first let's see what the stars have in store for saggitarius shall the archer. saggitarius, you share a sign with taylor swift, miley cyrus and nicki minaj, so if are you not making millions of dollars on original pop music, there's something wrong with you. next up, capricorn. capricorn, jupiter has moved into your house this mobt. pam kicked him out again. this time because he sold her shoes to buy pills.
now let's learn what lies ahead for aries. the ram. aries, you will meet the person of your dreams this week. however, you are married, so just continue stairing out the window while you silently do the dishes. if anyone asks, just say you're tired. what's up, aquarium-- aquarius. this is your week, aquarius, make the most of it it's not important why. just, you know, spend time with loved ones. (laughter) god, i'm going to miss you. behold your future, leo. someone, leo, someone will desperately need you this month. but you'll just drive away in your tow truck. listen up, gemini. the twins. today is a good day to take
stock. how are you feeling? are things going well? is the oven turned off? are you positive the oven's turned off? think about the cost of checking versus the cost of not checking. i'll wait. okay. i assume you're back and the oven was off the entire time. but aren't you glad you checked? and while we're thinking about it, is the door locked. up next, cancer, the crab. can serks you are kind, generous and sensitive. but those are just some of the reasons she's breaking up with you. libra, isn't it funny how we don't have to remember anyone's phone numbers any more? well, it won't be funny tomorrow night when you wake up naked at the whatever-- wharf. virgo, you will lose a great fortune.
to find out when and where, send me a check for $90,000. well, i think that covers just about everybody. remember, these horoscopes are 100% accurate. so if they don't come true, it means you are adopted and your parents have no idea when your birthday is. we'll be right back with the national. message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. the cruze offers up to an epa estimated 42 mpg highway. sfx:message sent this car is like a unicorn. it's magical! (group laughing) create your own seafood trios
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dear fellow citizen, time spent with my son really makes me appreciate "the now". but i also have to plan for my family's future. and that means taking on debt. in a smart way. like my mortgage - it's working for me. and if he needs a college loan down the road, that'll be worth it too. it's all about having a strategy, that fits your life. so, if you have a question about how to make debt work for you, ask me. sincerely, brandon heaven fellow dad and fellow citizen.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i guess it doesn't matter anyway ♪ i guess it doesn't matter anyway ♪ (cheers and applause). >> stephen: day of the dead is out on may 20th. all profits go to the red hot organization's mission to fielt aids, hiv and related health issues around the world. the national, everybody. we'll be right back.