tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 20, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
well. ♪ ( coughing ) ( laughter ) >> guys, what are you doing? the show's about to start. ( coughing ). >> stephen: oooh! that smells good. >> i know, especially because of how stoned i am. captioning sponsored by cbs >> tonight, stephen welcomes seth rogan featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! hey! ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. thank you very much. thank you very much. hey! thanks so much. thank you, mark. welcome to "the late show." welcome to "the late show,"" everybody, please! hey, chris. thanks so much, everybody. welcome to "the late show." that's awfully nice. thank you, thank you. you know what? this is what lets me work all day and party all night. ( cheers and applause )
ha-ha- i'm stephen colbert. i'm your host here for "the late show"." and you know what? i've wasted enough time. donald trump. ( laughter ) speaking of wasting time, donald trump. last night, donald trump appeared at an event here near new jersey to raise money to pay off chris christie's campaign debt. now, remember, christie endorsed trump back in february, and by "endorse" i mean stood behind him wishing for the sweet embrace of death. christie is heading up trump transition team. and last night, trump showed just how much he appreciates christie's help. >> with carrier and ford and
nabisco leaving chicago, with their big plant, they are moving to mexico. i am not eating oreos any more, you know that. but, neither is chris. you are not eating oreos anymore. >> stephen: wow! it has got to be hurt to be called fat by fitness model donald trump. ( applause ) and just remember, this was a christie fundraiser, in front of all his friends and family. can you imagine what trump's best man speech would be like? "i'd like to congratulate the lovely bride and the chunkistador she married! ( laughter ) no wedding cake for you!" no wedding cake for you!" well, it's hard to watch that and just stand here and do anything. i want to take a second to talk to chris chrstie, who i'm sure is home right now in an oreo-sleeve-shame spiral.
chris, look, i know you made a commitment to support trump, but don't let him treat you like this. you're beautiful the way you are. no one, no one, should fat shame you, especially at a new jersey fund-raiser. okay. ( cheers and applause ) i believe their state bird is the sausage. yeah. the bird call-- gobba-googobba-goo! i guess what i'm saying is, chris christie, you can do better. and, god, i would give anything to mean that. ( cheers and applause ) i would. but believe it or not, there's a republican even more embarrassing than trump--
congressional candidate mike webb. >> a candidate running for congress has made a name for himself. mike webb describes himself as a conservative republican and on facebook lists his favorite book as the bible. >> take a close look at this. he posted this google search. yup, what he didn't know was that the tabs for porn sites were still open. >> not good. >> when he took the screenshots. >> stephen: yes, yes, exciting. taking a screenshot while looking at porn? that is so embarrassing. i gotta say, impressive. you've got to hit command-shift-four using only one hand. i can't imagine. so what was the porn? well, lets take a look:
one says i can riff, and b-"o," and "ivone sexy amateur." i've got to say, it's refreshing to see him supporting sexy amateurs. they're in it for the love of the game, unlike those sellout pros who do it for money. of course, nothing wrong with the occasional pro-am every once in a while for charity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm sorry. what was-- what was i talking about? oh, right, mike webb. naturally, webb had a simple explanation for why the porn tabs were open, and by "simple," i mean a 2,000-word statement. it begins, "curious by nature, i wanted to test the suggestion that somehow, lurking out in the pornographic world, there was some evil operator waiting for the one-in-a-gazillion chance that a candidate for federal office would go to that particular website, and thereby
be infected with a virus that would cause his or her f.e.c. data file to crash the f.e.c." okay, first off, "curious by nature"? never begin your porn video explanation with the name of another porn video. ( laughter ) ( applause ) second. ( cheers and applause ) secondly, this explanation is way more embarrassing than just admitting you watch porn. it's like you're claiming you only picked up a prostitute so you could drive her to the police station. so, mike webb, please do not feel embarrassed. even if voters did see this story on the internet, they've already moved on. to watch more porn. >> excuse me? excuse me, sir. >> stephen: yes, what's up?
>> when does the singing start? >> where are the sequins? where are the hot latin rhythms? this is nothing like what it says in the "playbill." >> i know, i know. >> stephen: oh, my god. i remember you people. you're the same people who came here a couple of months ago thinking you were seeing "fiddler on the roof." you're in the wrong theater again. >> this isn't "on your feet," the irresistible musical story of emilio and gloria estafan, two people who believed in their talent and each other. >> stephen: no, i'm sorry, this is-- this is "the late show with stephen colbert." >> are you sure? >> oh, god. and we made a special trip here all the way from topeka for jonah. >> we thought it was really important for him to learn about his culture. >> stephen: oh, are you folks cuban? >> no, but his grandparents live in miami. >> stephen: jonah, i'm really sorry that you didn't get to see
"on your feet." >> me, too. i'm dying. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, oh, my god, are you sick? >> oh, no, he's fine, he's fine. he's just dying to see the show. finish your sentences, young man! >> stephen: listen, i hate to disappoint you. you came all the way from kansas. i wish i could think of a way. >> a way. >> yes, a way. ♪ oway, oway! oway, oway! ♪ oway oh ohh ah! oway oh ohh ah! ♪ at night when you turn off all the lights ♪ there's no place that you can hide oh, no ♪ the rhythm is gonna get you tonight ♪ come on shake your body baby do that conga ♪ know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪ don't you fight it til you try it
do that conga beat ♪ everybody gather 'round now let your body feel the heat let your body feel the heat ♪ don't you worry if you can't dance let the music move your feet shake your body shake your body shake your body ♪ come on shake your body baby do that conga ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: the rhythm just got me. ( laughter ) wow. she-- she didn't kiss me in herehearsal. i don't know what to do with my feelings right now. let me have a little sip right here. that was full contact broadway. ( laughter ) i don't know if y'all saw this yesterday, but this fella named kanye west, stopped by the number one place for hip-hop-- "ellen." ( laughter ) did you see this, jon? did you see this? >> jon: i saw that. >> stephen: pure kanye. pure unadulterated kanye. because no one else was allowed to speak.
for almost eight minutes kanye held forth on every subject from kanye to west. >> you tweeted out that you >> you tweeted out that you wanted mark zuckerberg to give you $53 million. in hindsight, should that have gone on facebook? >> yes, i should have put it on facebook. now, i understand why he didn't hit me back. i feel that if i had more resources, i could help more people. i have ideas that can make the human race existence within our 100 years, better. period. ( bleep ) the paparazzi, whatever perception you have of me, starting with the truth, starting with what everyone is thinking, start there. put some dope ( bleep ) with it. the exact amount of emotion and color palates and sonics and everything that i put into my music, i put them into the shoes. and they worked.
i don't give a ( bleep ) how much you've sold. if you're playing on radio, are you connecting? picasso is dead. steve jobs is dead. walt disney is dead. name somebody living that you can name in the same breath as them. when i make clothes, it's funny, because i would sit there with obama, and leo's talking about the environment. and then i'm talking about clothes, and everyone looks at me like, that's not an important issue, or something. but i remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. i called the head of payless. i'm like, "i want to work with you." i'm sorry, daytime television. i'm sorry for the realness. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no apologies necessary, no apologies. that was the realest daytime tv has gotten since bob barker neutered a cat on live tv.
did it right on the dinette set. now, a lot of people are saying that kanye engaged in a rambling, incoherent word dump. i disagree. but i understand kanye because we're a lot alike. i feel like if mark zuckerberg gave me $53 million, i could buy more shoes. ( laughter ) i got some rockports at payless. they're ugly, but they're great for slipping on in the morning to get the paper. i have ideas that can make human existence better. period. end of sentence. punctuation. semicolon. ellipses. parren sees. i want to make better hot dog buns. people say that's crazy when i talk to them about hot dog buns. but when i was in second grade, i ate hot dogs. i called oscar meyer. i'm like, "we got to make longer buns that match the length of hot dogs, all right."
i want to take everything i've learned from lunch and put it into a bun. because, yes, yes, we have no bananas. humans are connected. picasso is dead. walt disney is dead. sleeping beauty? not dead. just looks dead. somebody kiss me. i'm a pretty girl. where's my castle? where's my apple? i was raised by wolves. i was raised by wolves. tarzan was my nanny. i want to change the world, man. i want to invent fashion that stops global warming and a computer that fixes racism. i want to own a boat so big it ends poverty. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, late-night tv. i'm sorry for the real-itude. i'm sorry for dropping honesty clusters into your healthy morning breakfast cereal. i have resources that can help the human race, 100 years in the future and 100 years in the past. that's my skill set: color palates. soft palates.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know and love my next guest from such fine films as "knocked up," "superbad," "pineapple express," and now, "neighbors 2: sorority rising." >> just you dancing is enough to distract the entire sorority. i don't know about that. >> that will work. >> it usually works. >> i don't even know where we are right now. >> i'm ready.
>> no! i don't have the baby oil. >> it's not a wig deal. >> no, it's the most important thing. with baby oil you get, like, two extra lines here. >> really? >> yes. >> hold on! hold on! hold on! let's go. >> oh, that's hot! oh, that's really hot! ow, it burns. rub it in. rub it in. oh, my god. get it all over. >> we're in a rush! >> come on, man, get his thighs. >> stephen: please welcome seth rogen. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) is there welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: do you often get standing ovations? >> no, people exclusively sit for me when i enter rooms so that was very nice. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> great to see you gr last time
you and i were together was over at the old show. >> yes. >> stephen: and that was a very special day for you because you were there for your movie "the interview." >> yes, and as i was there i was being embroid in an international incident. >> stephen: ybecause the movie was about you and jim franco interviewing kim jong un. and they were not happy about that. has that blown over? >> i hope so. actually, it was during your show, essentially, like, when i came out to promote it, i had a movie, and when i came off the movie was not in theaters anymore, essentially. >> stephen: that's how well the interview went. >> i was like man, that's a bummer. then they told me i would have an armed guard with me at all times, which, again, is not what you want to hear. >> stephen: that is not why you went into comedy? >> exactly. and one day i woke up and went outside and he was gone. ( laughter ). >> stephen: did you notice at first? >> oh, yeah-- oh, no, i
instantly noticed he was gone. and i prayed it coincided with my newfound safety. but i think it just coincided with somebody didn't want to pay for him anymore. and literally just saw it on a log, "we're still paying for this guy? send him home." and i called franco, and i said, "is your guy still there there?" and he said, "oh, no, he's gone, also." no one's killed us yet, so i guess that's good news so far. >> stephen: so happy, it's awfully nice. >> it is nice. >> stephen: it really is nice. >> it's really nice that no one killed us. >> stephen: living is good, more living is better. >> the more i'm alive the better i am not dead. you know what they say. >> stephen: they co. they'll say it now. >> they will from now on. >> stephen: one of the things you said at the time is you liked writing about real stuff, and this was a real thing, this dictator. now you're writing about other real stuff because you're one of the writers and stars of "neighbors 2: sorority rising." >> yes, the most unnecessary thing after a colon, maybe, of all time.
>> stephen: but "the sor orty rising part of it is the real part. i did not know this, sorority cannot have parties. >> in america, if you're part of the greek system, sor orts are not allowed to throw parties in their own houses. in a lot of houses, it's more than three women in it, and in a lot of states it's considered a brothel. >> stephen: this movie, people were saying it has a feminist bent to it because it's allowing women to be just as terrible as-- >> as disgusting as men are, yes, finally. yes, if one thing-- if women are earned the right for anything, it's to be as gross and disgusting as men are. >> stephen: i went to northwestern university and at northwestern, in evin ston, in that town, it's still the law there, if more than two women are living in a house together who are not related, it's considered a brothel. >> no, it's a real thing! it's psychotic. and i go to these places and i throw money at them and nothing happens. ( laughter ) ( applause )
and i'm, like, hey. >> stephen: it's terrible. >> it's on your books, man. why are you advertising something that you're not? but i'm only into people who are related, so it doesn't work out ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's good. that's good. you might want to get security guard back. >> i should get him back. >> stephen: i understand you did research for this movie by looking at pranks? on youtube? >> yes, there are a lot of pranks in the film, people-- a prank war breaks out. so, yeah, youtube is the best resource for people doing really mean things to each other. and there is a prank in the movies where people put airbags in each other's seats and launch them up in the air and that's a real thing people do to each other. >> stephen: seriously. >> yes. >> stephen: that was in the first movie and i thought, no, that will kill you. >> it will kill you but people are still doing it to one another to hilarious results, generally speaking. >> stephen: did you do-- did you do pranks when you were younger? did you do violent things for
fun? >> i got into a pyromaniacal phase. >> stephen: who didn't. >> where one day all my toys just turned from being the things i love to things i could explode with fireworks. >> stephen: you find out those little army men melt? >> yeah, they burn gleferg is napalm. >> everything will explode. in high school, around halloween, the weed dealers would start selling explosives as well as weed. >> stephen: so, wait, they would come to you, "do you want a dime bag and "-- >> mighty mights or cherry bombs. >> stephen: that's tha seems dangerous. >> it's a super dangerous combination. and they both require ignition, i guess, is the only common thread. but, yeah, so we would-- yeah, they would give you deals, honestly. which, again -- >> where did you live that fireworks are illegal? i grew up in south carolina where all fireworks were illegal. >> i grew up in vancouver. where fireworks are legal, but
firecrackers, like cherry bombs -- >> m-80s. >> m-80s, were not legal but we dealers would sell them at great price s. >> stephen: did you ever do this one? we would take the cardboard tubes out of a hanger, and stick it through a big gulp lid to protect your hands and put bottle rockets in that and ride our bikes down the street and joust with each other. >> we would take golf clubs and knock the club part off so it was just a big, metal tube, essentially, and we would fill them with bottle rockets and shoot them at each glrg yeah. >> in, like, really violent ways. my friend mike burned his hand really bad one year, actually-- i'm sorry, mike. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i have to get to something here, your mother did that is after my own heart. your mother gave you-- is this true, she gave you a book? a book called "learn the
didgeridoo." why did she give you a book on how to learn the diggiroo. >> she was in industrial and also got my a didgeridoo, she got me a didgeridoo, and a book on how to learn to play the didgeridoo. >> stephen: i have a feeling you put your mouth on something shaped like this many times before. >> yes. >> stephen: count to give it a shot? do you not know how to do it? you have to get your lip all fat in there? >> a get fat lip going. whoa! ( applause )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. >> i don't know about you folks but i love going to the movies and i don't know what movies to trust out there. there are a lot of places to get movie reviews, but i think the best reviews are on youtube. that's where real people give real opinions. and since it's online, the fingers they're raising usually aren't thumbs, and i've found a film critic i just love.
his name is gil peaches, and he does reviews every week for the latest movies. and we called him, and he's letting us run his stuff on the show. this is "not at the movies with gil peaches." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) hello, i'm gil peaches. welcome to "not at the movies with me, gil peaches." let's get to it. hello, i'm gil peaches. first movie i saw this week: "the jungle book." i did not get this movie at all. it was like bill murray was pretending to be a bear for two hours. just be yourself, bill. america loves you! and the end credits were
so confusing. i counted at least three elizabeths who worked on this movie. how did they tell themselves apart? was one of them elizabeth l.? was one elizabeth r.? there's your movie. i give "the jungle book" two apples and an acorn... for language. next up, "captain america: civil war." this one was a real mixed bag for me. on the one hand, the characters kept walking into scary places, even though i yelled at them not to. on the other hand, i like how they made it nighttime in the movie theater. much easier to see the screen. bravo. now, i didn't see who won the fight, because i had to leave early to pick up my cat andromeda from the vet. she's fine. they were just fatty deposits. i give my cat 12 garbage. the last movie i saw this week was "neighbors 2: sorority rising." for once, this was a movie i
did note see alone. i went with my cousin, bill peaches. get in here, bill peaches. ( cheers and applause ) hello, bill. >> hello, i'm bill peaches. >> how is your mother? >> she's great. >> how is arthur. >> he's good. >> so sad. >> how are the crackers? >> they're delicious but dry. >> neat. now what did you think of "neighbors 2?" >> it was great. eventually. before the movie began, there was some sort of mix-up. they played five two-minute movies that they said were coming soon, but they were already there on the screen! >> so frustrating. >> but once "neighbors 2" got started, i really enjoyed it. >> not i. halfway through, the movie it took a frustrating turn because i got a text, and i couldn't check it, and i thought about it the whole time.
>> well, you missed a great movie, because seth rogen brought a raw animal sexuality. unlike anything i've ever seen. ( cheers and applause ) >> no doubt. par for the rogue an course. >> very much so. speaking of animals, they blew it in the closing credits when they reveal no animals were harmed. way to ruin the illusion, guys! >> yes, and when i finally got out of the there, the men's room didn't have any urinals, and it was filled with women who were yelling at me. what kind of movie is that? ( laughter ) ( applause ) terrible, terrible. >> that is terrible. >> boo. i say boo to you. >> it's a very modern problem. >> i'm bill peaches, and i give "neighbors 2" four railroad spikes. but one spike is golden, for language. >> you've been warned. well, that's it for "not at the movies with me, gil peaches." >> and me, bill peaches! until next time, the bill is in your court! >> bill, you may come on the show because you drive me places, but you don't get a tagline!
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the star of the hit series "jessica jones." >> were you born this way? >> nope. accident. you? >> experiment. does anyone else know about your abilities? >> a couple. i'm not hiding but i'm not advertising. >> when people find out they come at you. being a hero just puts a target on your back. >> been there, done that. >> the hero gig? >> i gave it a shot once. >> tell me there was a costume and you still got it. >> stephen: please welcome krysten ritter!
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you so much for having me. >> stephen: and congratulations, congratulations on an incredible show that just won a webby, i understand, and is going to get a peabody oned is. that's great. peabody is the best. >> it's so exciting. it is. >> stephen: peabody is the best possible award you can get. >> it's really exciting to be on a show they love but also has made such a positive cultural impact. >> stephen: first marvel female television hero. >> yeah ( applause ). >> thank you. yeah, the first marvel female superhero. yeah, pretty crazy. >> stephen: so in some ways, the character you play, jessica jones, is something of a little bit of a cultural icon right now. >> yeah. >> stephen: because you use the show to talk about important things at times. >> yeah, jessica jones has a very traumatic past.
she is a survivor of rape and abuse. but her journey throughout the show is her not letting that define her. everything that's happened to her, she still muscles through and finds her full potential and conquers the guy that abused her. >> stephen: well, one of the things that's nice about it is there is some criticism of the marvel universe, like in the movies, that they're a bit of a sausage-fest right now, but to have a great powerful-- they are, actually. there was talk about the original "iron man 3" villain was supposed to be a woman but got changed into a man because it wouldn't sell toys. >> oh, my god. i didn't know that. girls can sell toys! >> stephen: girls can sell toys. ( cheers and applause ) is there a jessica jones toy? >> i don't know if there is yet, but there should be, and i bet it would sell huge, and i'm going to make some phones calls after this. >> stephen: absolutely. you don't need to. we just told everybody.
just go out and demand your jessica jones doll. or buy any doll and call her jessica jones. >> get a barbie and put on jeans and a motorcycle jacket and there you go. >> stephen: i understand you grew up on a farm. >> di. >> stephen: why where? >> i grew up in a farm in pennsylvania. >> stephen: a real farm-farm? >> a farm with cows, and chickens and it was 100 acres in the middle of nowhere. >> stephen: did you have farm chores? >> yes, i had to pick up rocks. >> stephen: is that a big part of farming? i didn't grow up on a farm. i didn't know rocks were a huge part of farming. what about the cows? did you have to deal with them? >> i had to feed cows every morning and also after school, every day at 5:00. so no matter what i was doing -- >> you were like, "gotta go home, cow." >> exactly, hanging out with my boyfriend, gotta go, gotta go feed the cow s. >> stephen: it's great discipline. it's a nice 5:00 curfew. >> yeah, yeah.
>> stephen: your parents could say, "it's not us, it's the cow." they could play good cop-bad cow. >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: do you miss it at all? do you miss farm life at all? >> you know, i really like having that connection with animals and how quiet it is. but i'm a city girl. i love the city. i like-- i like the vibe and energy and the shopping and the life that happens. you know, you have to really entertain yourself when you're on a farm. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. were-- pennsylvania farming, i'm guess, you dealt with the amish a little bit. >> yeah, so i'm not amish. >> stephen: you don't like amish. >> hey, you never know, and our farm was not amish but amish are close by in redding and places like that an hour away. we would go up against them a lot at livestock auction s. >> stephen: go up against them? >> an auctions where they talk really fast. >> stephen: sold! like that? >> exactly. >> stephen: you go up against them and it sounds like gang war with amish people.
"go up against them" like who has the better cow? >> they know who is the best cow is going to be. >> stephen: wait a second, you're a cow farmer yourself. why don't you know the best cow. >> look at me. do i look like i know the best cow? >> stephen: i believe girls are capable of anything. >> good. ( applause ) amish will pay top dollar so that was something that was understood if you were up against the amish and they wanted a certain cow you kind of let them have it. >> stephen: really? because they took that thing seriously yoo yeah. >> stephen: that was their super bowl. >> yup. i had a little cow they got an an auction. >> stephen: did you, really? >> i think he weighed 70 pounds at the time and you pay per pound. >> stephen: what was his name? >> his name was jake and he cost like $150. he was so little i could pick him up with all my might. >> stephen: what happened to jake? >> i'd rather skip that part of the interview. ( laughter ). >> stephen: all right, that's thine, that's fine, that's fine. so is the-- >> i'll start crying right now.
>> stephen: i know the "jessica jones" has been a huge splash. is the new season available now? >> no, the new season is not available yet. >> stephen: no! >> and i don't know when, and if i say anything else, harvle snipers would shoot me dead. >> stephen: well, good luck with that. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: seth rogan has a security guy he doesn't use anymore. he might be able to protect you. it was lovely to meet you. krysten ritter. "jessica jones" is streaming now. check it out! any season. we'll be right back. ♪
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♪ why, in your c'est la vie way did you cry, cry, cry ♪ while you were listening to a mixtape from your friends? ♪ do you miss them in your c'est la vie way? ♪ more than you'd miss me if you'd stayed ♪ in the hemisphere i asked you to return from? ♪ or maybe you can't pull apart your brain ♪ like if there's a russian doll inside another russian doll ♪ you see it all in your c'est la vie way ♪ so, i i'll try to be a decent partner
♪ try to keep the teardrops off your face ♪ be kind enough to regard me in your c'est la vie way ♪ in your c'est la vie way in your c'est la vie way ♪ in your c'est la vie way ♪ headlights through my window at night ♪ white light on my baby all right ♪ but when she comes she's a stranger to me ♪ i'm lost in the floating world ♪ in the floating world in the floating world
♪ beyond this one if i was ♪ if i was careless careless with your heart ♪ and lines on lines on paper ♪ were made for only tearing apart ♪ i'm raised up like an animal raised up like a beast raised up like an animal ♪ staying up in this little room out the window flashing red and blue ♪ but i don't live here i'm an occupant ♪ i reside in the floating world ♪ in the floating world in the floating world