tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 23, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: emilia clark, hi! i'm a huge fan. thank you for being here. >> thanks for having me, stephen. >> stephen: i love the game of thrones and i can't believe the mother of dragons is here. >> in real life i'm just emilia clark, not the mother of dragons. >> stephen: obviously i know that, yeah. >> in real life, i'm the mother of puppies. >> stephen: they're so adorable! how many puppies do you own? >> own? stephen, own? a puppy is not a slave. jakaris. (screaming) ♪ (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes emilia clark, shiri appleby, and a performance
by cynthia erivo from "the color purple"! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) >> wow, i like the haircut! >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you up there, down there, everybody out there in the
world! welcome! welcome to "the late show"! thank you so much! welcome to "lat "the late show," everybody! i'm stephen colbert, and -- (cheering) -- and this is my summertime haircut. thank you so much for being here. you like the new haircut? >> i like that. >> stephen: a little short. aerodynamic for the rest of the summer. helps with the swimming. i went this weekend and i just went and got my haircut where my kids got their haircut. i just said, to hell with it, i'll get in next. got in a little boat, they gave me the game to play with. barely cried for the whole thing. (laughter) it's going to be a fantastic summer unless you care about the election, because this is crazy! i don't know where to begin! according to "the washington
post, abc news cheesecake factory poll, voters favor donald trump over hillary clinton 46 to 44%. (audience reacts) but how do you feel about it? (laughter) okay. 4 to 44%. if you do the math, that only adds up to 90%. the final 10% just kept whispering "kill me." (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and then bernie sanders burst out of their chest -- (laughter) that's not a real impression of bernie sanders. doesn't seem like him at all. polls also show that trump and clinton are the two most unpopular likely presidential nominees in the history of the poll. at this point, any third candidate would be more likeable than these two. we could be looking at president bedbug-with-a-manbun. (laughter)
i should have gone for that. i should have gone for the man bun. i could have done that. that's a pretty good luck. so clinton and trump are already attacking each other, which is going to make things really awkward when she attends his next wedding. (laughter) this time, they're attacking each other over guns. on friday, trump was endorsed by the national rifle association, who said in a statement, "guns!" following this endorsement, trump gave a speech to the group, where he promised to do away with gun-free school zones. hillary clinton expressed her outrage, then trump expressed his outrage at her outrage on "fox and friends," clarifying his position once and for all. >> i don't want to have guns in classrooms, although, in some cases, teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly. >> stephen: so, no guns in
classrooms unless guns in classrooms. settled! i think we just heard donald trump's education plan: kids will learn math by counting how many different positions he takes in one sentence. and the idea of arming teachers -- (applause) and the idea of arming teachers isn't new. a lot of people say teachers should have guns, or tasers, or some kind of weapon. basically, anything except a living wage. (cheers and applause) so trump doesn't think guns should be allowed in classrooms, but does think teachers should have guns. therefore, he thinks teachers should not be allowed in classrooms? it has to be what it means, you know. >> jon: something like that. >> stephen: come to think of
it, we should have seen this coming. >> i love the poorly educated. >> stephen: ha! ha! he might be president. (laughter) in other unexplainable news, it was just announced that they're going to make a movie based on the video game tetris. that is true. if you're not familiar with tetris, imagine different shaped blocks, and that's it. and get this, the tetris film may be part of a trilogy, which is good news -- it'll give them a chance to deal with all those unanswered questions, like "why?" and "seriously, why?" but i've got to say i was curious how they would add drama to slowly-moving multi-colored blocks, so we here at "the late show" have secured an
exclusive live clip from the upcoming tetris movie. take a look. ♪ >> i don't care what our families say, we belong together. >> make love to me now! ♪ ♪ ♪ >> oh... oh -- >> that's nice. i'm going to go like this -- oh my -- >> all right, come on, all right, all right. oh, yes, yes, yes! take me to a tetristown! oh, yes! daddy like! daddy like! oh, yes! keep going! keep going! ♪ ♪
this here and on other shows. man, i am worried about print media. seems like these days we lose one national publishing treasure after another. "gourmet" is gone. "details" is gone. rolling stone has gotten so shrunken and thin that it was mistaken for one of the rolling stones. (laughter) and now, the unthinkable has happened: victoria's secret has killed off its famous catalogue! what! what! (audience reacts) no! i was almost done browsing! they made the decision after they eliminated the catalog in two significant markets for a year and didn't see any meaningful change in sales. well, obviously, if the catalogue's not boosting sales, you get rid of it, right? come here! you idiots!
don't you see! don't you see! it was never about sales! it was about... you know what it was about! these women did nothing to deserve this! they are angels! or maybe, sexualized geese? it's hard to tell sometimes. besides, eliminating the victoria's secret catalog is just plain un-american. this is true -- because porn is banned, every sailor on u.s. aircraft carriers receives a victoria's secret catalogue. and it ain't to buy a macrame crop top. what are they gonna look at now? the restoration hardware catalog? although, i've got to say, i like the figure on those vintage hourglasses.
i doubt i'd last an hour. okay. doesn't mean anything. that means nothing. legally, i need to inform you that that joke meant nothing. (laughter) clearly, this is going to be tough on the sailors. and this wednesday marks the start of fleet week here in new york city. so i am going to show my support by leaving all my old victoria's secret catalogs outside the studio on 53rd street for any sailor to take for free. they'll be in a cardboard box that, years ago, i labeled "hannukah decorations." (applause) it's not just fleet week, it's college graduation season. the time of the year when the
highly educated think to themselves, "which side does the little tassely thing go?" universities everywhere are prepping for the big day: mowing the lawns, quadding the quads, and covering the confederate statues. so far, graduates have already heard commencement speeches from cheryl sandberg at berkeley, president obama at rutgers, and lin manuel miranda at the university of pennsylvania. unfortunately for the kids at penn, tickets to his speech are sold out until 2018. but there's one person the students haven't heard from yet. a pillar of quiet dignity and strength, who everyone admires -- tony stark. but tony's not real. so he asked me to do it. this is stephen colbert's "the late show's 2016 commencement speech." (cheers and applause)
thank you. students, the band, distinguished members of my audience. i have the honor of addressing you today, to share those precious pearls of wisdom i have stolen from the sea of experience. as you go forward into your lives and careers, remember to be pro-active. don't wait for things to happen. make them happen. if you want a certain job, go out there and kidnap the person whose job you want and assume their identity. get their haircut. learn their family members' names. don't forget that you control your destiny. a full and satisfying life is made up of good choices. so choose to win the lottery. your future is unlimited. don't settle for less than the best.
unless you're 26 and not married and don't have the career of your dreams yet. then just go with the first person you make eye contact with at the bar. it's not going to get any better -- and let's face it, you're such a great catch? come on. and take it from me: your health is your greatest asset. if you have an open face wound, do not stick your head in an aquarium because you will get an infection. i learned that one the hard way. also, the easy way. of course, none of this will mean anything without friends and family. no matter how busy life gets, always stay in touch with the people who matter to you. and also meticulously catalogue the people who have wronged you -- for they will pay. they will pay. (cheers and applause)
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person. other part of floor. that reminds me, always bring a backup copy of your speech. and finally, if you ever get in a jam in your life and don't know how it's going to end remember you can always throw to commercials. we'll be right back with emilia clark. ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪usic: "sex machine" by james brown ♪ ♪
♪ you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state.
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>> stephen: you all know my first guest as the mother of dragons on "game of thrones." starting next friday you can see her in the mother of all love stories, "me before you." ♪ you wouldn't have those breasts so near to me if i wasn't in a wheelchair. >> you wouldn't be looking at these breast ifs you'd been in a wheelchair. >> of course i would. no, you would be looking at the blondes the ones you can smell with expense accounts, and over there serving drinks. am i right? >> yes, but i wasn't asked. (laughter) you're the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning.
>> stephen: please welcome emilia clark! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> hi! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i really enjoyed our puppy time together. >> i enjoyed it, too. i really -- that was amazing. that was like a birthday present or something. >> stephen: one of my favorite things was you have beautiful shoes on right now. >> yeah. >> stephen: and god knows what those things cost. >> we will, still have the nick -- >> stephen: the puppies tore into it. >> right. >> stephen: but they were chewing on those shoes. i don't think we've got the budget to replace those shoes. >> neither do i.
thankfully, they're okay. the stylist isn't watching, i hope. >> stephen: congratulations on the movie. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: i'm not sure if i'm totally prepped for it because i understand it's like an eight-hankie movie, right? >> for you, maybe ten. >> stephen: i'm water works. at&t commercial, and i'm weeping. >> well maybe more than eight. >> stephen: let me ask you a "game of thrones" question. >> okay. >> stephen: very serious. okay, tell me. >> stephen: two weeks ago -- spoiler alert -- >> stephen: two weeks ago you brought the hurt to the cows by setting fire to all of them and they're merging from the fire since you're fireproof, your character is. >> yes. >> stephen: you emerged with all your clothes burned away and you decided not to use a body double. was that important to you? >> well, there is lots of reasons why a lot of actors
would definitely use a body double, but for me, i did it before in season one and people like to talk about it, so i just want to do an empowered scene which wasn't sexual, it was naked but it was strong. >> stephen: you're kicking ass. >> exactly, yes. >> stephen: you're kicking ass naked. >> i'm kicking ass naked. >> stephen: your character is a real bad-ass now. >> if you do it without any clothes, you're a real bad-ass. >> stephen: you're doing it without clothes and dragons. do you feel like a bad-ass yourself? do you have any of that in you yourself? >> sometimes yes. sometimes no. (laughter) >> stephen: i got that down. (laughter) one of the things i have to ask you about is a new character was introduced last night on "game of thrones." >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: and it is a penis on the show.
>> yeah. mm-hmm. yes. i did it. why can't the boys do it? >> stephen: that's nice. it was full on, undercarriage and everything. >> i think they heard me. >> stephen: i think, too. total equality. >> stephen: yeah. there we go! >> stephen: i would like to see that emerge from a flaming tent. >> wouldn't we all if i think that would be a trick. >> stephen: when you walk down the street, do people treat you like you are denarius trigarion! >> no. >> stephen: people don't treat you like a queen? >> no. i'm not very recognizable without the wig. >> stephen: of course, that's it. >> yes. so i look a bit different nu well, the eyebrows are a help.
>> they are a help. >> stephen: you have beautiful eyebrows. >> thank you so much. that was the beautiful thing about me before you was i was free of the wig for a minute and i was able to kind of be slightly more expressive with my eyebrows, which i don't use as much -- you're like where are you going with this? (laughter) >> stephen: can you wiggle your eyebrows and do any of this stuff? >> yeah, i can. you can really do those. >> stephen: wow, that's really good. that's very nice. >> this is what we learn in drama school. >> stephen: exactly. did you go to drama school? yes. >> stephen: have you done shakespeare and the classics? >> yes. i did all that. i did it but i didn't get to play juliet or the kind of sort of ethereal characters. i got, like, the jewish grannies. >> stephen: seriously? you did a jewish granny.
>> yeah, yeah. i work too hard all my years to be treated like dirt. >> stephen: you're very good with accents. >> thank you. threw my back out with that one. >> stephen: i'm from the south -- south of america. >> you're from the south -- >> stephen: you do a southern accent, too? >> i'm if that accent right now -- i'm in that accent right now. maybe it's real bad. (applause) >> stephen: no, it's good. where are you from? >> stephen: south carolina. you're in appalachia. >> appalachian mountains, that's right. >> stephen: you're right in there! you get in the pickup truck with me, we'll go. >> sure thing! >> stephen: in me before you,
who goes wil before the other person? who's the me and who's the you? >> i think it's whoever you're interviewing, really. it's me before sam and sam plays in the movie. if it was sam, he would probably say it was the other way around. >> stephen: this is a real tear jerker based on the book by jojo. >> yes. >> stephen: it's about a woman caring for a paraplegic and they fall in love. >> it's a believing love story with an empowering message and an important one as well. >> stephen: seriously, i have to brace myself for the flood of tears. >> oh, yeah. i mean -- >> stephen: when you're shooting, it is like that, too? is it like i don't know how i'm going to get through the scene. >> yeah, there was a whole day we cried, me, sam, everyone. we had fun. >> stephen: that was a fun
scene we just saw. >> that was my happiest scene. >> stephen: then it's all downhill! (laughter) >> no, it's loads of fun. it really is a funny movie. that particular scene, i got to drive the wheelchair afterwards because i'm sitting on his lap. and i got to drive it. i'm doing that because it's for control, that's what i do, and almost took out a camera, so i couldn't drive it anymore. >> stephen: i haven't seen it yet because i have to brace myself for it, but what do you think the message of the movie is, like what is a life worth living? >> yeah, pretty much. it's got a really sensitive topic at the heart of it which definitely makes everyone who's seen it so far kind of look at their own life and see how they might be able to live it fuller and more boldly, which is one of the biggest kind of messages in the book and in our movie as well. yeah, ah! shucks! >> stephen: no, no, not at
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we are back! (cheers and applause) oh, my gosh. we've got a lot of sponsors on this show, but i have to say the one product that really gets this show on the air is caffeine. if i had another baby, i would name it starbucks. you guys like starbucks? (cheers and applause) i enjoy it. incidentally, after the show, if you're looking for the closest starbucks, just go... any direction.
and now, starbucks has an app, where you can have the complete starbucks experience from your own phone: you can order ahead of time, pay ahead of time, and i assume, stare at racks of norah jones albums wondering, "who buys cds?" but this convenience comes at a price. according to the "wall street journal," customers using the app miss the old days of baristas misspelling their names. starbucks's greatest strength has always been being bad at names. this is the company that named their shortest drink "tall." one customer, named aaron rodriguez, told the journal that when he goes to starbucks, instead of aaron with two "a's" "i'm constantly getting 'erin' on the cup or 'aron... that's one little thing i do miss when i use the app." i hear ya, aaron. my name's stephen and every day my coffee cup has my assistant's name on it. what gives?
(laughter) not anything like my name. no, no... people are nostalgic for the artisinal, handmade, name-garbling of yore. as one customer said, "sometimes the barista would include a smiley face on the cup. it makes that trip to starbucks more personal." and when you visit your multinational coffee conglomerate, you want to feel like family! look, i understand it's fun. but to the "wall street journal" and any people who are upset about losing misspelled names, i have to break it to you-- this isn't really something to worry about. there are actual serious problems in the world. let me explain a real news story that you really should be concerned about in a way that might draw your interest. in the middle east, there's a terrorist group called "isis," who have been taking over syria, and recruiting more and more jihadists over social media like twitter.
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"unreal." >> i also want to introduce you to london. she is our super sexy pakistani woman who might have distant links to osama bin laden. >> no, now she does. absolutely. that's what i was thinking. we have ruby. she takes angry black women to level of blinding rage. >> oh. mm-hmm. nicely done, so her with the bikini girl, genius. >> stephen: please welcome shiri appleby! ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you for being here! >> stephen: well... well! >> stephen: this though is creating -- this show is creating quite a stir because, for the people who don't know yet, unreal is basically backstage of something like the
bachelor of the bachelorette, right? >> it's a behind the scenes of how a show like that is actually made. >> stephen: do you watch reality shows? >> absolutely. do you watch reality shows? >> stephen: i watch some reality shows. they're not on cbs, so i can't say. >> okay. >> stephen: legally, i can't say. >> understood. >> stephen: why do you think we like reality shows so much? >> i think it's so fun to watch a train wreck. >> stephen: why do we want to see it in a reality show as opposed to see somebody write a train wreck. your show is great but it's a written train wreck. >> that's true. it's fun to watch people's lives fall apart because it makes us feel better about ourselves. >> stephen: that says terrible things of us as human beings. >> that's right, america loves it. >> stephen: we don't want to think of ourselves as bad people. we say, at least i'm not those people on tv, right? >> that's exactly why we liked it. >> stephen: this show was
created by somewoul someone whor the bachelor for nine season? so this is real. >> i've heard from some reality people that it should be called "real." >> stephen: when you first started watching reality shows, did you think they were real? >> sure, that's how they're sold and the story lines make sense. >> stephen: but they're not real. >> i may a character whose job it is to manipulate the contestant. i say crazy things to them to get reactions. >> stephen: for instance? are you about to mess with me? >> do you want me to? >> stephen: please, do. if you were a contestant, i would say, stephen, i was at the peabody's -- >> stephen: your show won a peabody. >> yes. did your show win a peabody?
>> stephen: i have four peabodys actually. >> when i was there saturday, i met jon stewart. >> stephen: he's a great guy. he is. he pulled me assayed and i don't want to say, the but he was telling me some things about you. >> stephen: what did he say? okay, well -- (laughter) -- i want to tell you because i feel really close to you. >> stephen: yes. but, please, i really don't want to hurt your feelings. >> stephen: you won't hurt my feelings at all. what did he say? >> he said you're kind of a slut. (audience reacts) (applause) stephen, he actually said that you have like an s.t.d. >> stephen: well, he should know. (laughter) he should know. well, if you see that whore --
>> i'll tell him. >> stephen: -- you tell him he's my favorite bitch. (applause) you just took me on a rollercoaster ride. but i would be drunk on an actual show. if i was one of the bachelor or bachelorettes, i would be hammered on cheap chablis for hours before you came and manipulate me. >> we would plow you with alcohol, say mean things to you, lock you in a room. >> stephen: they're in the alrude to do this at gitmo. >> this is what our show is like. it's a lot of fun. >> stephen: these are the way the shows are like. people think they're behaving real but they have been psychologically tortured into this behavior. >> that is correct. >> stephen: congratulations. they won a peabody. >> stephen: i know. we glossed over that but you won a peabody. >> we won a peabody. >> stephen: that's better than any other award, better than an emmy -- not better than a grammy -- but it's great because
it's for excellence, for doing something new is interesting, and the show is such great commentary on what we all take as just a form of entertainment which is just a form of -- >> manipulation and torture. >> stephen: -- and abuse. yeah. >> stephen: it's doing great things for you. >> having the best time. >> stephen: so nice of you to be here. >> so nice to be here, thank you. >> stephen: season 2 of "unreal" premieres june 6 on lifetime. shiri appleby, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! yeah, i'm cleaning the gutters! washing the dog! washing the cat! well i'm learning snapchamp! chat. chat! changing the oil... (vo) it's surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! (vo) but with nationwide it's no big deal. okay, your retirement plan is all set. nationwide? awesome. nice neighborhood.
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♪ showin' my heart to the folks that i'm close to ♪ got my eyes though they don't see as far ♪ now, they see more 'bout how things ♪ really are now... ♪ i'm gonna take a deep breath ♪ gonna hold my head up gonna put my shoulders back, ♪ and look you straight in the eye ♪ i'm gonna flirt with somebody when they walk by
♪ i'm gonna sing out... sing out ♪ i believe i have inside of me everything that i need to live a ♪ bountiful life with all the love alive in me ♪ i'll stand as tall as the tallest tree ♪ and i'm thankful for everyday that i'm ♪ given, both the easy and hard ones i'm ♪ livin' but most of all ♪ i'm thankful for loving who i really am
♪ they go ooh ooh. ♪ hey! ♪ they go oh-ooh-ooooh. ♪ sitting, watching, waiting, wishing. ♪ ♪ i tell you one thing, you never knew it. ♪ ♪ at the back of the bus ♪ there is so much to give, so dream big. ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ and when they screaming get out, get out. ♪ ♪ all i wanna hear is get down, get down. ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ and when they screaming get out, get out. ♪ ♪ all i wanna hear is get down, get down. ♪ ♪ get down, get down.
and you become a part of theirs. when you build those connections, you can accomplish some pretty amazing things. i'm jackie kruzik and i'm proud to be a new jersey educator. >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sean hayes, brooklyn decker, and lewis black. now stick around for james corden and his guest, john leguizamo. goodnight! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org