tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
>> stephen: neil young, man, hey, good to see you again. >> hi. >> stephen: thanks for being on the show. >> pleasure. >> stephen: keep on rocking in the free world -- i understand you're letting bernie sanders use that song. >> yes, i back bernie sanders. >> stephen: okay, trump used it for a while and you told him to stop. are you not in favor of trump? >> no, i didn't like that idea because of the misogyny and the racism. >> stephen: okay. but other than that, it's fine? >> yeah, but those two key facts are something you can't really ignore. >> stephen: okay, fair enough. but let me ask you something else, if someone wanted to use "keep on rockin' in the free world" for, say, a cat food commercial, would you be cool with that? >> no. >> stephen: what about a dog food commercial? >> no. >> stephen: what about a food
that appealed to both cats and dogs? >> no. >> stephen: okay. totally different subject -- what if somebody had a late night talk show and they wanted to use "keep on rockin' in the free world" for their theme song. would you be okay with that? >> no. >> stephen: guise, don't run -- >> announcer: stephen welcomes lizzy caplan, neil young and mike epps! ♪ keep on rockin' in the free world ♪ featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪
>> stephen: thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause) you guys are fantastic! welcome to the show! hello down here! hello up there! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thanks! thank you very much! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show." i don't know what this means but someone was doing it in the balcony, and i love it! i need the positive energy. folks, this is a crazy election. but, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. and if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months. i don't know how to explain to you what's going on. (applause)
because today, donald trump received his 1,237th delegate, clinching the republican nomination. (audience booing) and saying that just clenched a few sphincters. (laughter) so that's it. it's official. the die is cast. trump's the nominee. just going to get comfortable for a second. (cheering) a year ago, it seemed impossible. but it just goes to show: if you put your mind to something and work really hard -- you'll still
probably lose to donald trump. here's what put trump over the top: a small group of unpledged delegates decided today to back trump at the convention, and it is rock solid support, like one pennsylvania delegate who says he will back trump on the first ballot, but "if there's a second ballot, i won't vote for donald trump, he's ridiculous. there's no other way to say it." now, come on! (cheers and applause) now, come on. that's not fair. there are plenty of other ways to say it.
you could say "he's a bloated leather sack stuffed full of steak and ego." you could say, "he's got a head for bankrupting business and a body for sweatpants." you could say, "he's a microwaved circus peanut someone rubbed on a golden retriever. ly" dick louse. ridiculous. ridiculous. it was so comfortable down there. can i stay down there between now and the election? they're telling me i have to stand up. but wait. there's more. because hillary clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating bernie sanders anymore. so, today, trump announced that he will debate bernie sanders! that's right. two angry new yorkers shouting at each other -- it'll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car! i can't believe it!
immediately after trump offered to debate him, bernie responded by tweeting, "game on." (laughter) sounds like he's accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. not entirely sure. game on. open the game. and while every network is bidding for this debate, i am happy to report that the debate will be on this show! (cheers and applause) i don't know if it's going to happen, but i am happy to report that. makes me very happy to say that. now, trump did put one condition on the debate. >> i'd love to debate. bernie. he's a dream. if we can raise for maybe women's health issues or something.
if we can raise 10- or $15 million for charity. >> stephen: yes, to raise money for women's health issues. i'm guessing, "the donald trump foundation for women who aren't anywhere near a '10', they're like a '5' tops." (laughter) now whoever is our next president, he or she will be in charge of our nation's nuclear arsenal, which apparently is in need of an upgrade. >> the pentagon still uses floppy disks with the nation's nuclear arsenal. eight-inch floppies are part of a 53-year-old computer network. it runs the system that sends and receives messages to launch nuclear weapons. >> stephen: that's right: the security of our nuclear arsenal depends on eight-inch floppy disks. need i remind you: there are now entire computers smaller than eight inches.
although these can do massive damage if you accidentally tweet a naked selfie of a floppy that's less than eight inches. (cheers and applause) evidently, our entire nuclear arsenal runs on an i.b.m. series one from 1976. in fact, i believe we have some footage of it simulating an attack. (applause) of course, that's an exaggeration because that game, missile command, actually came out four years after the computer that controls our nukes. now, with an annual military budget of $600 billion, many are now asking... whohwhaaa? well, according to a pentagon spokesperson, "this system
remains in use because, in short, it still works." which is the same argument your parents use when you try to throw out their v.c.r. "how am i supposed to watch titanic if not on two seperate cassette tapes?" i think this is ridiculous, dangerous, and i'm not afraid to give nuclear command a piece of my mind. helllooo! helllooo! upgrade your computers! helllooo! can you hear it? keep it tight. keep it tight. helllooo! helllooo! (laughter) i hope i didn't just crash the system just then. (laughter) the world might turn into flaming molten glass. in the meantime -- say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody.
(band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much! oh! welcome! welcome, everybody! welcome to hour two of the first five minutes of tonight's show. it's fleet week here in new york, and we've got some special guests here in the audience tonight. jimmy, can we show these guys? we've got sailors joining us from the u.s.s. "bainbridge," the u.s.s. "fort mchenry," and destroyer squadron two. (cheers and applause) i tell you what, destroyer squadron two, i'm looking forward to that. i really enjoyed destroyer squadron one and heard the sequel is even better. (laughter) speaking of the ocean: scientists have found that farm-raised salmon are suffering
from depression. yeah. turns out that's not seawater they're swimming in, it's tears. (laughter) apparently, the conditions on salmon farms have caused some fish to produce higher levels of cortisol and float lifelessly at the surface of the water. which, by the way, is how i plan to spend my summer vacation. now, this is really sad. is it really worth it to corral these wild, beautiful creatures into crowded pens that sap their will to live, just so we can have brunch? it depends -- will it have that fluffy whipped cream cheese and maybe a thin slice of red onion and sprinkle a few capers? otherwise, no. it's not. (laughter) well, i'm concerned for these poor fish. so i'm going to check in with good friend of the late show, please welcome sammy the salmon. sammy, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> hi, stephen! sammy, thanks for being here. always good to see you, sammy.
last time we talked, you had a serious drug addiction to prescription medication like prozac and zoloft that scientists say is leaking into the puget sound. how you doing? >> yeah, but i'm off that stuff. i'm totally clean now. >> stephen: well that's great, sammy. how'd you do it? >> i got into this great rehab program. it's on a farm. life's great! me and about 90,000 other addicts. >> stephen: uh, sammy, are you talking about living on a salmon farm? >> yeah! it's a good life. sure, you work hard, but you if you put in your hours, one day, you'll get a farm of your own. >> stephen: i don't think that's how it works. >> no, it does. they say if i gain enough weight, they're gonna take me up to the executive suite to meet the head of the company. >> stephen: on a silver tray, i'm guessing. >> yup! they said they're gonna give me a nice steam bath with some dill and lemon slices -- oh, god! i've been living a lie. >> stephen: i'm sorry, sammy. i don't know what to say.
>> stephen, you've got to tell everybody. poached salmon is made out of salmon! poached salmon is salmon! >> stephen: sammy, wait. what are you doing? you're not relapsing into drugs down there, are you? sammy? are you okay? >> i'm fantastic! just try to catch me, (bleep)! i will cut you! i'm gonna live forever! wooooooo! >> stephen: sammy the salmon, everyone! we'll be right back. ♪ (cheers and applause) world saleilton is on honors members save up to 25% on brands like hampton, doubletree, hilton garden inn, and waldorf astoria so stop clicking around. book direct at hilton.com now that's satisfaction.
(whispers) l'eggo my eggo anncr: golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. l'eggo my eggo. wheall i can think abouthit, is getting relief. only nicorette mini has a patented fast-dissolving formula. it starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. i never know when i'll need relief. that's why i only choose nicorette mini. from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. bloldly blended colas.
♪ hey! ♪ they go ooh ooh. ♪ hey! ♪ they go oh-ooh-ooooh. ♪ sitting, watching, waiting, wishing. ♪ ♪ i tell you one thing, you never knew it. ♪ ♪ at the back of the bus ♪ there is so much to give, so dream big. ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ and when they screaming get out, get out. ♪ ♪ all i wanna hear is get down, get down. ♪ ♪ yeah. ♪ and when they screaming get out, get out. ♪ ♪ all i wanna hear is get down, get down. ♪ ♪ get down, get down. (cheers and applause) ♪
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is known for her roles in "masters of sex," "mean girls," and "the interview." her new film is "now you see me 2." please welcome, lizzy caplan. ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you for being here! >> thanks for having me. it's very exciting to be here. i'm a really massive fan of yours. >> stephen: that's nice. thank you so much. >> my cat is actually named colbert. >> stephen: now, i heard about this earlier today and i thought people were just b.s.-ing me, but now i got this photo of your cat playing with dollar dollar bills, y'all, and this cat's
name is colbert. >> those are hundred-dollar bills. he's quite wealthy. >> stephen: a he? yes, i wouldn't do that to you. >> stephen: that's fine. i've got the hips for it. he's playing with the benjamins. >> yes, but the cat is 13 years old now. naming him colbert 13 years ago was very different. >> stephen: was he really named after me? >> when you were a correspondent on the daily show. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this is actually before people named things after me. >> 100%. did you hear that applause? it was like a cool -- (applause) >> stephen: not cool anymore. then you've got the colbert report, like my street cred took a dip immediately. >> stephen: because i was successful? >> it's main stream now. >> stephen: so naming your cat after somebody who does a network show isn't cool?
>> i may as well name him coldplay at this point. >> stephen: hey -- chris is a friend now. >> nothing against coldplay but i'm not naming my cat coldplay. >> stephen: would you name your cat radio head? >> yeah, maybe. (laughter) >> stephen: "now you see me 2". i saw "now you see me 1". tell people what the premise is. >> we're bad-ass magicians. i wasn't in the first one, so it doesn't matter what happened in that one. (laughter) but in the second one we take on an evil tech magnate and we're two steps behind and in the first one they were two steps ahead so its automatically more exciting. >> stephen: and daniel plays tech magnate. >> yes. >> stephen: do you learn any real magic? >> i did, indeed.
>> stephen: is it all, like, tv or film illusion or are you actually doing these tricks? >> we had to learn we were in magic camp for a week. >> stephen: wow. yeah. >> stephen: your street cred just went back up. >> i know. >> stephen: name your next cat david copperfield. >> oh, my god. david blaine. >> stephen: no, he's great. he holds his breath. we have a clip of you doing a natural magic trick. this is not tv magic. this is actual magic you did. >> this is not c.g.i. this is a legit thing. >> stephen: this is jesse isenberg's character? >> yes. >> stephen: jim? oh, hi. who are you. at are you doing. this is a funny story. how did you get in? it's funny, ha ha. you might not think so. it's all relative. no. i'm in the neighborhood and now i'm here and maybe --
>> okay. seriously, how did you get in here. are you some kind of crazed fan or something? >> oh, my god, no, no, no. i recognize you. you did that b grade geek magic thing. >> pulled the hat out of the rabbitt. (applause) >> stephen: i guess i can't ask how that works. >> i think i can tell you a little bit. you have the to build this rig in the couch, so i had to, like, squish my body into the couch, that's really my head and it's a fake body, and my head drops like a trap door through couch and it fast approaches the ground and so at the last minute you have to arch your back because you can't protect your face with your hands. >> stephen: sounds very painful. >> it was not not painful. >> stephen: were any actresses harmed in the making of this movie? >> no, i made it through. there is like a zipper thing involved, too, so i think i got a little zipper slice or two, but no big deal. >> stephen: not at all.
you look fine. don't see any scars. >> well, it's under my hair. >> stephen: really? no. >> stephen: okay. good story, though. >> yeah. >> stephen: well, you're also one of the stars of "masters of sex." >> yeah. >> stephen: let me ask you something here. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: i'm sure you get this a lot. >> yeah. >> stephen: sex -- um -- fact or fiction. because i've heard really ugly stories about how sex works. >> yeah, me, too. >> stephen: is it really what they say? >> it can be fairly dark, and occasionally violent, and i think that it's probably all fiction. >> stephen: i'm hoping my parents conceived me with a firm handshake. >> i hope they did, too. >> stephen: is doing a show like portraying masters and johnson who are pioneers in sex research, does it in any way make you uncomfortable or did you go into this job saying i'm
totally comfortable with sex and my sexuality and whatever people do is thumb's up, including thumbs up, which i heard is lovely. >> i heard a thing or two about that one myself. yeah, i think i was pretty comfortable. i think you would have to be pretty comfortable going into it, but now i'm really comfortable. >> stephen: this is back in the '50s, so they didn't have much sex back then. >> i think like a couple of people had sex in the '50s. >> stephen: and then eisenhower came in. >> and then he was, like, no more of that. >> stephen: kennedy brought sex back, that's why he was so popular. >> and trump may take it away again. >again. (applause) >> stephen: well, at least thinking about him might. >> yeah. >> stephen: i think of you as a comedic actress, but "masters
of sex" isn't a comedy. >> no, certainly not. >> stephen: you do all kinds of things now. are you eclectic or are you covering your bases? >> i try to do both things, that's kind of the dream if you're an actress, but i think the dirty little secret is i'm not excellent at either so if i bounce back and forth nobody notices. >> stephen: i disagree. i think you're excellent at both of them. >> stephen, thank you. >> stephen: no, you really are. (applause) >> stephen: the reason i ask is i started off as a serious actor. i had a beard and black and poet/jerk. a lot of black. >> yeah. >> stephen: a ba ray or a tamashanter. >> serious? >> stephen: i was unsufferable. >> in college? >> stephen: after college, i would act at people. (laughter) i watch the videos and it's like a 45-minute setup to a punch line that never comes.
>> i would love to see that. i think everybody would probably love the to see that. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: no way. no way. i never got a chance to talk to you about this but i talk to you about the other stars of this, the interview which came out a couple of years ago, that was an international incident because north korea freaked out that you guys did a satirical movie which was very funny about interviewing kim young un. did you feel responsibility for brig us to the brink of war? >> we made jokes on set. the co-director of the film, we decided we would have time to get to canada if anything happened, and then stuff actually happened, and then it was, like, not funny at all and everybody felt horrible about the whole thing. >> stephen: especially after we found out our entire nuclear
arsenal was just an i.b.m. from 1976. >> should have been a little more difficult for them to do all that damage, right? yeah, the internet, whoo! >> stephen: do you do the internet. >> no. >> stephen: you don't to the social media? >> i don't do any of that. >> stephen: you would be so popular. why don't you do any of it? >> it terrifies me, quite honestly. >> stephen: really? yeah. i think it's the downfall of our civilization. (applause) >> stephen: well, on that happy note, thank you so much for being here, lizzy caplan! "now you see me 2" is in theaters june 10th. lizzy caplan, everybody. we'll be right back with mr. kneel kneel. thank you skneel -- neil young. thank you so much!
getting roid rage. hemorrhoid. these are the worst, right? i'm gonna buy them. boom. i'll take them. impulse buy. ommmmmmmmmmm. presenting the american express blue cash everyday card with cash back on purchases. it's all happening. and no annual fee. here we go! cash back on purchases. backed by the service and security of american express.
>> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my next guest is a music legend and two-time rock and roll hall of fame inductee. his latest album is called "earth." please welcome neil young! ♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nice to see you again, neil. always nice to have you on. >> nice to see you, too. thanks for having me. >> stephen: neil, i like you. i like you because you are an unreconstructed individualist,
hippie, love booster. do you believe in love? (cheers and applause) >> yeah. >> stephen: still believe in the transformative power of love? >> i actually believe in love and no fear. >> stephen: people don't talk about love much anymore, neil. there aren't many songs about the power of love. people talk about men and women, but love is a powerful thing that can change the world. when you were coming up, that idea was associated to a lot of musiacs. >> yes, it was. i don't know what happened, but i think love is still there. love is in the music. it's just a word that needs to come around again big time. >> stephen: people get embarrassed if you talk about love. >> not me. >> stephen: no? no. i love love. >> stephen: neil. neil -- (applause) >> it feels good. you're going on vacation right. >> stephen: starting tomorrow.
love love. >> stephen: love, love, yeah. love, love's loving. i love you, neil. >> thank you. >> stephen: are you feeling the burn? >> i'm feeling the burn big time. >> stephen: okay. please forgive this question, if this is an old settled thing -- are you an american citizen? can you vote here? >> no, absolutely not. i'm a canadian, yes. >> stephen: okay. i'm a neighbor. >> stephen: you're a neighbor. and as such, i am affected by what happens, even though i live here. >> stephen: yeah? not only that, you know, is not the president of the united states the leader of the free world? >> stephen: well, your words. i am the free world, okay. >> stephen: well, you're rockin' the free world, that's for damn sure. >> we talked about that. >> stephen: yeah, we did talk about that. >> yeah, that was good. >> stephen: mm-hmm. i'm glad you understood me. >> stephen: i did. not in time to stop it for the show.
but i tried to. >> that's fine. >> stephen: let's talk about the entire earth now. you have a new album of songs you recorded previously called "earth," but you've taken songs from the last 40 years of your career and rerecorded them but included earth sounds, like animals, city sounds -- >> yes. >> stephen: just pure nature. the sounds of earth. >> stephen: the sound of earth. >> us, too, with our little car horns in traffic. beep. got a duck, quack quack. (beeping) we're all here together. let's face it. >> stephen: again, this is why i love you. (laughter) we're all here together, let's face it. >> yeah. >> stephen: and, so, that's why -- that's the music you're listening to? >> let's not forget about the vanilla singers and the corporate harmony. we have a hologram of the corporate harmony.
they float above the stage in the live performance and tell everybody how good they are. everything's fine. it's great. very positive. >> stephen: is that your message everything is fine? >> that's their message. >> stephen: everything's not fine, is what you're saying? >> i'm saying what i'm saying in all these songs i've written the last 40 or 50 years. i've written all these songs. there is a new song on there, but most to have the songs start in the '70s, 1970s and go all the way to now. i have been singing about the same thing. it's like i'm a broken record. >> stephen: we looked it up, you have 70 albudget at this point or something. >> 700. (laughter) >> stephen: you don't like the itunes and ipod. you have pono, your own music player. >> it's not i don't like them. it's they can't play what i do. >> stephen: what do you mean? because we play music. we play live music and it has
air and it has atmosphere, and you know some of the songs might be longer than 7 minutes or 4 minutes, and they don't have to fade out in between and come up and down. so we don't fit. "earth" doesn't fit on the regular thing that everybody listens to today. , so you know -- > >> stephen:t looks like -- what is this? >> for your years, better than a toblerone. >> stephen: you ever jammed a toblerone, man? >> i missed the memo that said albums are not happening anymore. it's all about albums being a ripoff and only one song is good on the album so that's all you need to get. that is complete -- you know, that's no good. >> stephen: you put out singles in the old days, didn't you? 45s? >> sure. (applause) >> stephen: what's wrong with that? >> no, singles are great, it's just that there is more to it
than singles. there's more to love than the first kiss. (applause) you're going on vacation now. >> stephen: we'll be back with more neil young! ♪ (cheers and applause) save this weekend, take an extra 10 dollars off your purchase of 25 dollars or more and save on the summer stuff everyone needs like swimwear as low as 15 dollars shorts as low as 15 dollars and tees and tanks as low as 10 dollars now that's the good stuff kohl's
♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! we're back here with our friend neil young. now, neil, you're concerned about a lot of things going on in the world and one of the things you're outspoken about is things like monsanto and genetically modified organisms. frankenfoods. >> yes, i care about the earth and the plan sheet what's wrong with them? >> what's wrong with them?
>> stephen: yes, a study came out and said there is absolutely no difference in people in europe who don't eat g.m.o.s and people in the united states who do. >> that must be a monsanto statement. why do 38 countries ban g.m.o.s? they don't just label them. they're concerned about the people who live in the country, they want to protect them. >> stephen: you're absolutely, adamantly against g.m.o.s? >> i am, yes. (applause) >> hey, neil young! why don't you say that to my corn face? >> stephen: i'm sorry. this is an intern. it's a g.m.o. ear of corn. he goes to n.y.u. >> you have something to say about the g.m.o.s? i'm all ears.
>> you look terrible. that makes me feel not good. and i can feel love, the constant agony of being a man-corn hybird with no genitalia! i was born this way. and yes, i was born, from a womb. it's beautiful -- don't judge! why must you label me? >> i don't like labels generally, but you need to be labeled, because you're dangerous. >> wow. that really hurts. >> stephen: who owns you? no one. i'm corn. >> will r where is the diversity we had with corn? is this what we have now, this? >> i'm delicious. everybody loves me. >> that's why you're banned in 38 countries. >> really? you want to ban me, neil? look at your life. it's going to end right now! i'm so angry!
(crashing sound) >> whoa. >> stephen: get that off! don't touch that. (applause) wow, does that happen often on your show? >> stephen: he was so young. well, neil, thank you so much for being here. i'm so sorry about that. i apologize. that's never happened before. >> i understand. (applause) >> stephen: "earth" is available on june 17. neil young, everybody. we'll be right back. is he okay? (cheers and applause) ♪ ithat's so interesting honeyf mybecause i'm going to share p. a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. (whispers) l'eggo my eggo anncr: golden crispy, warm and fluffy eggo waffles. l'eggo my eggo.
customer service!d. ma'am. this isn't a computer... wait. you're real? with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s., like me, anytime. wow. this is a recording. really? no, i'm kidding. 100% u.s.-based customer service. here to help, not to sell. inspired by a true stella brewery closed, auction sale. i am sebastian artois. brewmaster. risktaker. wake up sebastian ♪ i sold everything i had to own a brewery. ♪ ♪ you might have heard its name... so, what do you want to be remembered for? stella artois be legacy
which means fewer costs, which saves money. their customer experience is virtually paperless, which saves paper, which saves money. they have smart online tools so you only pay for what's right for you, which saves money. they settle claims quickly, which saves time, which saves money. they drive an all hybrid claims fleet, which saves gas, which saves money. they were born online and built to save money. which means when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world.
esurance. an allstate company. click or call. from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. bloldly blended colas. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers.
as an educator, it's all about connections. you're not just in the classroom; you're part of the community. you meet these tiny kids every year, and you help them learn and grow. but you also get to know their families, and over the years they become a part of your life, and you become a part of theirs. when you build those connections, you can accomplish some pretty amazing things. i'm jackie kruzik and i'm proud to be a new jersey educator. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a comedian and actor, who stars in the new show "uncle buck" on abc. >> hello, buck. get your gulself on in here.
mmm! >> there's a lot to go over. will will be in toronto, i will be in minneapolis. there is a binder in the kitchen that has everything you need. i also eleft you some cash. >> no, no, no, i don't need your cash. i'm good. y'all are family. i got a sock full of quarters in the car and i've got some scratch office that i feel real confident about. >> cash is on the counter. that's probably wise. >> stephen: please welcome mike epps! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: first off, congratulations! i heard pretty fun, exciting news about you -- is that you -- you just graduated from high school. >> i did. >> stephen: congratulations! you just got a degree! a high school diploma! is that your mom there?
>> that's my beautiful mom right there. >> stephen: that's fantastic. i feel real good about it, you know. i got my high school diploma. >> stephen: who is this who doesn't seem so impressed with you? >> that's my granddaughter. >> stephen: you have a granddaughter? >> yeah, that's my granddaughter, schuyler. she's so beautiful. she's looking at me in that picture like you know damn well you didn't graduate 2016. >> stephen: so you didn't graduate when you were in high school. what pulled you away? did you go straight into standup? that's the first thing you did as a performer. >> i couldn't keep a job. i was cracking jokes on all my job. waffle houses, ponderosas,. >> stephen: did you workat a waffle house? >> i did, and ponderosa, steak and ale. i couldn't keep a job. my dad was mad at me. so i started working on being funny, and i got a funny job.
>> stephen: what brought you to atlanta? >> just being from indiana and not really understanding show business, i thought i could go to atlanta and become famous. (laughter) i went down to move my auntie after she told me don't come down because i know i invited you to atlanta to stay with me, but i've got a husband now, so you can't come, and i went anyway. >> stephen: showed up? i showed up. and she said, man! i told you, mike, you can't stay with me. she says, you know what? he goes to work every day at 3:00 in the afternoon, you can stay in the basement. so i'm in the basement like anne frank hiding out. (laughter) >> stephen: this makes your uncle a nazi. (laughter) okay? yeah? how long did you do that? >> i did it for about -- it lasted for about three weeks. i guess he didn't -- >> stephen: for three weeks -- he was working in the night shift and you would hide in the
basement? >> yeah, behind the dryer. the dryer would be on and i would be shaking back there, you know, with all the clothes and stuff. one day he decided to go to work late. i came upstairs and i had a bowl of cereal and my underwear on, and he looked at me and said, who are you? i said, i don't know who i am. >> stephen: whoever i'm supposed to be. whoever gets to stay is who i am. >> so i ended up talking to the man and lived there for about a year, thanks to janice and sidney. >> stephen: very nice of them. yeah (applause) >> stephen: in the show, uncle buck, which is based on the original john candy movie, you're a father, a grandfather. are you an uncle to anybody? >> yeah, i'm an uncle. i've got a lot of nieces and nephews. >> stephen: are you an uncle
buck kind of character? >> not that kind of character. i'm like the uncle buck! >> stephen: nice one to have. i look like an s with two lines in it walking in the house. >> stephen: if one walked up out of your basement in only their underwear, what would you say to that? >> i would probably have to charge them on that. i would have to say, you have to pay me a little rent. (laughter) >> stephen: is there an issue you do a standup about that's meaningful to you? in the past, you've talked about the african-american community's relationship to police and is that still something you talk about now or something you can't joke about anymore because the tension is too great? >> yeah, the police, in the african-american community, the police is, you know, when we see police, we get scared. we can be coming out of church and if we see the cops, we say, look, there go the cops. but, you know, i play with the police. i remember one time they pulled me over -- >> stephen: what do you mean
play with the police? >> i be so nervous when they walk up. they say, why you going so fast? one time i said, because i didn't see you! >> stephen: that's honest. do you get any points for being honest? >> no, i still went to jail that night. didn't change anything. but i think cops are like, you know, cops are like regular people, like people who work for the sanitation department. they have bad days, too. they're like normal people who have bad days. if you happen to catch them on a bad day, you know, you might have a bad time. >> stephen: if you catch them on your bad day, too, you will have a worse time. >> yeah. >> stephen: the next time you see a policeman, he might say, did you just compare me to a garbage man? (laughter) mike, good luck next time you get pulled over and good luck with "uncle buck." appreciate you being here. >> thank you so much! >> stephen: "uncle buck" premiers june 14. mike epps, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪