tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 16, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> we've got a great show tonight. harry connick jr. will be here. stick around. >> hey, big boy, put down that hoagie. introducing the late show celebrity chat line. where the hottest stars are ready to talk to you. >> well, most people know me from this thing. but i was also in another thing that you've seen. yes, that's right. i was in that thing, too. >> a third "sister act" movie. would you like that? >> whatever you're into, our
celebs want to make it happen. >> hey, there, i'm tony. do you want to know what i do? i play a masculine >> he's a great, great actor, and i would love to work with him again. >> she's sexy talk show guests are standing by to fulfill your most forbidden, behind-the-scenes fantasies. >> what am i wearing? i'm wearing a designer suit. my publicist picked it out, and it's much nicer than the other things i wear in my daily life. >> what are you waiting for. our operators are standing by with banter, stories from knowing stephen back in chicago, and details about their spiciest projects. >> well, it's mostly a comedy, but there's a lot of heart in it, too. it's definitely something that the whole family can enjoy. together. >> call now.
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes john slattery oliver stone and comedian jon fisch featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you very much! what's up? yeah! hey! thank you, joe. thank you, jon. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. what's up? good to see you. you can tell there's no crowd. >> jon: there's no crowd. it's a friday crowd. >> stephen: thank you so much,
everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. there is mow mistaking a friday crowd. that's a friday crowd right there. are you all ready for the weekend? ( cheers ) me, too, me, too. you know what, this election is so exciting. you know, anything could happen. we don't know what we're going to learn on a day-to-day basis. and throughout this election, one big question has been looming over donald trump's campaign: whaaa? ( laughter ) whaaa? also, will he release his tax returns? every major party candidate has done it. that's how we know abraham lincoln claimed his beard as a dependent. but donald trump says he won't release them because he's in the middle of an audit, which is a little like saying, "trust me,
i'm not a murderer, and i'll prove it as soon as i fill in this shallow grave." but there's another reason trump won't release his returns. and yesterday, his son donald trump jr. took a short break from hunting the last living black rhino to explain. >> because he's got a 12,000-page tax return that would create-- that would create, probably, 300 million independent financial auditors out of every person in the country, asking questions that are going to distract from his main message. >> stephen: yes, it would distract from his main message: nobody look at my tax returns! now, in tech news, this week, the company uber launched a fleet of self-driving cars. this is a huge leap forward in how little uber can pay their drivers. right now, the cars are only in pittsburgh, but like everyone in
pittsburgh, they will eventually go somewhere else. but here's the thing-- it's a lovely town. that joke was written by one of my writers who lives in pittsburgh. but here's the thing: these self-driving ubers have a person who sits behind the wheel in case they need to take over. so now instead of a person driving or a robot driving, you're in the hands a person fighting a robot. what else? oh, there's other tech news out there. i don't even this applies to any of you guys out there. but i have a special message for anyone watching tonight's show on their samsung galaxy note 7-- run for your lives. because, yesterday, the u.s. consumer product safety commission officially recalled the samsung galaxy note 7, telling consumers to "immediately stop using and power down" their phones. to which americans replied, what? excuse me. i'm on the phone. do you mind.
now, when it was launched last month, the galaxy note 7 was hailed as perhaps the best smartphone of all time, with great features like wraparound glass, an iris scanner for unlocking the phone with your eyes, and something called a headphone jack? i hope i'm reading that correctly. they don't have that on the new iphone 7. do you have one yet? guys? what's that? i love you, too. but there was one unexpected feature samsung didn't advertise: >> the government has issued a warning over a popular cellphone-- the samsung galaxy note 7. the consumer product safety commission says anyone who has one should stop using it immediately because it could explode. >> stephen: that really gives new meaning to, "my phone is blowing up." but it's literally a burner phone. but here's why the government had to act: even though it's been well-publicized that the galaxy note 7 catches on fire, everyone is still using it. duuh!
you gotta use your galaxy 7 to call 911 when your galaxy 7 explodes. just what kind of person still uses a phone when they've been told it's dangerous? here to tell us, please welcome live via satellite, samsung customer, dan carter. dan, thank you so much for joining us. >> thanks for having me, stephen! the galaxy 7 is working great! i love the curved glass. >> stephen: thank you, mr. carter. ( applause ) he's fine! he's fine! >> jon: he's okay. >> stephen: oh, he's fine. >> jon: he's okay? man, that's dangerous. here's exciting news. there is a bright orange abomination taking the story-- the punch line is not donald trump. let me just say that. ( laughter ) the punch line is not donald trump. keep going. it's that burger king is covering chicken fries in cheetos dust. yeah.
that is insane. and why didn't we get any? they're not for me. i'm asking for my mouth. now, as delicious as this sounds, i'm sure you're asking yourself, "can't we do something more to a chicken?" thankfully, someone is. it's the good folks at dooksberry farms. >> why eat fries dusted in cheeto dust when there's a natural alternative. dooksberry's cheeto-fed chickens. my family has been feeding cheetos to chickens for over 40 years. and all our chickens are free range so they can warned around the farm whenever they please. not that they move around much. can't decide between white meet matte and dark meat? with my cheeto-fed chicken it's all orange meet
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welcome back. welcome back to the continuing adventures of tonight's show. very excited, very excited. great show tonight. john slattery is going to be out here in just a little while. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: saw him backstage. i saw him backstage. he's a really great guy. he seems mad about something. i can't wait to find out what it is. as great as tonight's show is, please join us next week because we will have first lady michelle obama, and, and, and mr. bruce springsteen will be joining us next week. bruce! i am going to try to get her to sing "thunder road" and i'm going to ask him to tend my organic garden. it's going to be a great week. and i can do that. i can do that. i can snap my fingers and people
do stuff like that because as the host of a late night talk show, i'm immensely powerful, ladies and gentlemen. and yet there are those even more powerful than i. history's most ferocious despots, like genghis khan, kim jong-il and rihanna. ( laughter ) oh, yes. they say whenever she snaps her fingers... drake appears. now, all of us have two things in common: the ability to get the whole club bumpin' and a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now that this hat is upon my head, any and all
proclamations i make while thusly hatified are now and forever law. let us begin. ( cheers and applause ) let the word go forth! anyone who shoots cell phone video vertically, shall be fed into a woodchipper horizontally. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from this day forward, anyone with a service dog that i'm not allowed to pet must also provide a second dog solely for petting purposes. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, all glass-fronted vending machines must provide a sledgehammer for when your candy gets stuck. ( laughter ) ( applause ) cereal boxes shall contain
prizes again-- and i mean good ones. anyone who passes off temporary tattoos as a prize shall have the word "boring" permanently tattooed on their forehead. ( applause ) all sinks shall now have three knobs: hot, cold, and marinara. ( laughter ) ( applause ) any girls who wouldn't go out with me in high school must be sent this framed picture of me making the president of the united states laugh. ( cheers and applause ) from now on, any cop who pulls me over for speeding must also give himself a speeding ticket for driving fast enough to catch me. ( laughter ) ( applause )
drinking beer must make me feel as happy as the people in beer commercials instead of lonely and bloated. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from now on, at green bay packers games, for every cheesehead, there must be a cracker neck. ( applause ) anyone in front of me at the d.m.v. must suddenly remember they forgot something and leave. the hat has spoken! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with john slattery.
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>> stephen: give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) my first guest tonight played roger sterling on "mad men." he'll soon be starring on broadway with nathan lane in "the front page." please welcome john slattery! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) john slattery. hey, nice to see you. >> yeah, good, good to see you. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) enjoy your water. please, enjoy your water. everything okay? >> yeah, everything's fine.
well, actually, now that you bring it up. i have something to get off my chest. >> stephen: okay. >> is that all right? >> stephen: sure, it's fine. you're the guest, whatever you want to talk about is fine. we could talk about the play. >> well, in a minute. ( laughter ) this goes back, about 20, 25 years ago, in new york i was a young actor trying to get my career off the ground, and it wasn't going very well. i didn't have anything-- anything going at all. i had a lousy agent. i had a lousy apartment. i had a string of crappy jobs. i had a weird roommate. and somehow i get my hand on this script with a great fa part for me in it, great part, funny, dark comedy, kind of a crazy character, arrogant, workaholic, in crappy relationships. and i worked my ass off on this thing. and i go in to audition, and i make lousy auditioner. i get flop sweat. i get nervous. i melt down, and probably why i
didn't have any jobs. but i go in and i kill. i mean, the the producer comes out and he goes, "that was unbelievable. that was the best audition, like, by a mile. we haven't seen anybody half that good." i go to the the next step, which is the producers of the show. and that's-- and again, i crush this audition. and i come out, and the guy is like, "this is unbelievable. i think we found our guy." i go to the next step, which is the network, which, if you don't know what that's like, it's its own kind of hell. >> stephen: a lot of pressure. >> yeah, a lot of pressure. again, very nervous, and i really want this job. >> stephen: how long ago is this? >> about 20, 25 years ago. 20-- i don't know. i've tried to block it out. ( laughter ) but, here i am. i go into the network. there's a bunch of suit, a bunch of network executives. the head of the network is there. i'm extremely nervous. i marshal my nerves. i calm myself down. i do this audition.
when i'm finished, they stand up and applaud. i got a standing ovation at this audition. >> stephen: from the head of the new york. what network was this? >> this is, i forget, cbs? >> stephen: it's a good new york. go ahead. that's a safe bet tonight. go ahead. >> the guy comes out and he goes, "that's unbelievable. i mean it was incredible. you couldn't have done better." i walk out thinking i got the job. and i go home. i'm wondering how's my life going to change. my career's going to take off. i wait for the phone call. the next day the phone rings. it's the producer. i'm waiting for him to tell me i got the job. he said, "i have bad news for you. you're not going to get the job." i said what do you mean? yeah, yeah. you're not going to get the job. i said, "what do you mean? you said i was the best guy." he said, "you were, head and shoulders but we met someone else, we met someone else, and this guy is the guy, arrogant,
workaholic, a string of crazy relationships." and i said, "what do you mean? who the the hell is this guy?" he said this guy, stephen colbert. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. what-- what is this? ( cheers and applause ) i got a part that you were up for? >> you got a part that i was up for. >> stephen: what's the part? >> stephen: i don't remember the part. do you remember part. >> stephen: who was the producer. >> a guy named ken finkelman. >> stephen: yes! he was casting mean did "newsroom" in canada. you were auditions for the part-- >> of ken finkelman. but he cast you for himself. after telling me i was the best him he could find. >> stephen: he told me i was the best him he could find i was. but no matter how good the him was, the show did not get made. >> it didn't get made at all.
>> stephen: i through up to toronto-- toronto-- to do it, and i shot it up there, and i thought it was great. and they said, "no, we don't want that. go home." >> that makes me feel better. >> stephen: i was very unemployed. i got unemployed, too, with kid and everything. thank you for bumming me out. >> i feel better. >> stephen: well, i apologize. >> i feel better that the show didn't go. >> stephen: i could never be a better john slattery than john slattery is. you're a fantastic actor. you're a real actor. i played at acting, but you're a real actor. >> well, thank you, but i came here to tell you to go ( bleep ) yourself after 25 years. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. it's an honor. >> now i feel better. >> stephen: it's an honor. it's an honor. it's an honor to be told, you know, that thing that i can't say because i'm the the host of the cbs show by the silver fox himself. the anderson cooper of not being in the news. >> yeah. >> stephen: you are so distinguished, i looked this up. you're actually in-- we looked up in websters.
next to distinguished. it's just a little drawing of you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) right there. how do you-- how do you age so gracefully? how do you work it so well? because i need a few tips. >> i'll tell you, you want a tip? >> stephen: yeah, what do you do? >> you do not-- here's how you stay young looking. never play dwight eisenhower. >> stephen: really. that's why you have this here. i've been told you're playing eisenhower. there you are. what is this for? that's a movie called "churchill" that is coming out at some point in the future, and that's a good way not-- if you want to look young, don't do that. >> stephen: how did you-- how long-- >> look at that big lump on my head there. that's actually my hair under eye shouldn't give that secret away. >> stephen: really, that's why you have hair on your head to hide the lump? >> if you put all your hair back and put a wig on, you have a lump. >> stephen: was it a long
transformation? >> it took a while. >> stephen: we have one of the stages in between. >> that's me halfway through. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's good. >> stephen: i'd buy it. i'd totally buy it. >> we should just stop there. it would have been a very convincing mr. burns. >> stephen: well, when they do the live action version, which somebody eventually will. >> the musical. >> stephen: eventually, it will be on broadway, you realize. >> that's right, back on broadway as mr. burns. >> stephen: well you're on broadway-- you're about to be on broadway in "the front page." >> opposite nathan lane who plays walter burns. >> stephen: we should end the interview right now. >> there you go. i gotta go. i told you to ( bleep ). >> stephen: there's more time before commercial starts. you played-- in that, it's about a newspaperman. >> it takes place in 1928. it's a great play. it's a great comedy. it takes place in 1928, the golden age of journalism in chicago where there were seven daily newspapers, morning and
evening edition, if you can imagine. >> stephen: do you still read a physical newspaper? >> i do, i do. i read the "new york times" every day, along with-- well, it used to be everybody else in my building, and now it's just me. there's one little sad newspaper on the floor of the elevator. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: they just leave it on the elevator? >> i go get it, yeah. >> stephen: seems like that's a fire hazard. don't put your galaxy note 7 on top of that newspaper. >> yeah, i still eye mean, you know, i scroll headlines like everybody else. >> stephen: yeah, but people don't generally read articles anymore. >> no they just look at who's ahead in the election and, you know, who took ( bleep ) today. >> stephen: again. >> things like that. >> stephen: something i can't say on cbs. thank you very much. >> no, you can. >> stephen: you know what john slattery? ( bleep ) you. ( applause ) sadly, "mad men" is mow longer. do you miss it at all? do you miss the clothes at least? >> no, i don't miss the clothes.
>> stephen: nice threads, though, man. especially if you're a nice thin guy like you, thinitize. >> super tie i don't miss them upon. they smell by the end. 10 years in the same suit. >> stephen: don't they wash them? >> you can only wash them so many times. >> stephen: i guess you can't wash a suit. "honey, where's my suit?" "it's in the dryer." >> i miss the people. we stay close. >> stephen: robert morse is in this. >> robert morse is in the play. john goodman, the great john goodman and nathan lane. >> stephen: what's it like to be on the stage with nathan lane. he seems like a force of nature? >> did you ever see the film of the guy who tries to read the newspaper on top of mount everest. and the paper gets blown away and half his clothes and you try to hold on and look like you're still on the same planet. >> stephen: he's the wind or mount everest?
>> he's both. he's incredible. he's a broadway star. he's sort of the -- >> so are you, john slattery. you're on broadway. you're a star. you're a broadway star! ( cheers and applause ) nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: and so sorry about the ken finkeled man thing. "the front page" opens october 20 at the broadhurst theatre. john slattery, everybody! we'll be right back with oliver stone. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) it's time for some straight talk. most wireless companies offer no-contract plans, but getting a new phone... usually means getting locked into a contract. there's a better way! with new straight talk plus, get a samsung galaxy s7 for as low as thirty-one dollars a month, no contract. cancel any time, no penalties. it's time to ask yourself... ...why haven't i switched? add our unlimited plan... ...on america's largest, most dependable 4g lte networks.
for senate, a clear difference. katie mcginty: for background checks, for banning assault weapons, and banning high-capacity ammunition clips. and pat toomey? against an assault weapons ban and against banning high capacity ammo clips like those used in the orlando massacre. listen to pat
toomey brag: "i have had a perfect record with the nra." pat toomey gets an "a" from the nra. he's not for you.
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big oil polluters. they have a friend in pennsylvania. millionaire pat toomey. toomey voted to protect their special tax breaks. saving oil companies twenty-four billion dollars. and big oil polluters have given toomey seven hundred thousand dollars in campaign contributions. tax breaks for them. campaign contributions for him. pat toomey. he's helping big oil polluters and millionaires. not the rest of us. lcv victory fund is responsible for the content of this advertising. everybody. my next guest is the academy award-winning director of "platoon", "born on the forth of july", and "j.f.k." his new film is "snowden." >> how is this all possible? >> um, keykeyword selectors
"attack, take out, bush." think of it as a google search, except instead of searching people make public we're looking at things they don't, e-mail, chats, sms, whatever. >> which people? >> the whole kingdom, snow white. >> stephen: please welcome oliver stone. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hey! good seeing you. come on up. >> your theater's gotten larger since the last time. >> stephen: isn't it lovely? we're lucky to be here. now, besides being a masterful filmmaker, you have a reputation, i think warranted for enjoying telling people's
stories that involve secrets and conspiracies. this-- this movie, "snowden" might be the first one that is factually verifiable. because the government is not necessarily denying what snowden said happened. they're just saying he was wrong to tell us. does that change the story for you, that you can actually say, "no, no, i'm clearly not making any of this up?" ( laughter ) >> stephen, i don't know how old you are, but i've been doing a lot of research all my life, and all my movies i've stood behind and fought over the details on. >> stephen: you've been attacked fair lot like "j.f.k.", you know, people visually attacked you in saying that, "you're not a journalist. you're making this stuff up. it's composite characters." >> i'm not a journalist and i'm not a historian. i'm a dawmivity. and i tell the story. and sometimes you shape things in two hours.
in the snowden case there are about 120, 130 programs the n.s.a. has. we only show you two or three in the the story. what is verifiable, you're correct, is our government has developed and deployed the most massive global surveillance system ever seen in the history of mankind, and did so without democratic consent. and it's one person, one person, mr. snowden, has had the courage to reveal it out of sinceritiy, out of loyalty it to government, and certainly his strong conviction that it was illegal and unconstitutional. >> stephen: what he did was illegal to tell us about it. >> yes, it was. >> stephen: a lot of people say he-- excuse me, a what? >> there's a higher law here. a higher law of conscience -- >> but if everybody just follows their conscience, we have perhaps good, ethical people, but then you end up having an arctic system. do you think he should come back and at least stand trial for his
crimes? >> i think he would, and-- i know he would. i wish he could, because they've charged him with the espionage act. with the espionage act you cannot present a public interest defense. you cannot raise what he did-- you can't talk about national-- quote-- national security because they can always say this is a question of national security. there is no defense. they will send him to jail for as long as they choose. this is not-- it is not a fair trial. >> stephen: do you think we're being watched all the time? >> well, they have the potential to go back. we're in a-- in a-- we're on a disk, a series of disks all over. they can go back -- >> the assistant attorney general of the united states yesterday said put a piece of tape over the camera on your computer. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's, you know, the system-- this is the head of the justice department. >> absolutely. >> stephen: do you think we are being watched on a daily basis, there are people sort of peeping in on the cameras? >> they're recording everything in the world, and they have a huge storage capacity now, and
they can go back and look in the database-- what they're doing is data mining on a mass scale, bigger than google or any of that stuff. but google is part of that, too. you know, google collaborated with the government until snowden's revelations. now they've gone into an encryption, and encryption has resulted, much more so, more varied, and all these companies have been-- to keep their customers, have provided encryption, not because they want to but because they lose their customers who would go to other security services if they didn't. >> stephen: as an artist what is it about secrets and conspiracies that interests you? because, you know, the emotionality being the heart of creating a story and moving an audience with a sympathetic response to your hero. what the is the emotion you're trying to elicit from us by peeling back a curtain, real or fabricated, by oliver stone. what do you upon to make-- >> well, philosophically i don't
want to get into it. >> stephen: no, philosophically let's get into it. >> all right. every day in our culture, we get the surface of things. it's sanitized. we live in a disney world. and i, as a dramatist-- not as a journalist but as a dramatist, am fascinated by getting beneath the story and digging. these stories reveal more, people in power, men in power, have lied to the american public over many years over many things including the origin of law -- >> what's the original lie for you? >> the original lie-- i could start with the bible. >> stephen: sure. >> the national security agency itself began in 1952. it was the result of hiking the fear. truman brought this in, n.s.a., in 1947, the national security act. but it's grown. the acceleration of the national security state today is enormous. 2001 was another acceleration point with the patriot act. and the violation of all the
ethics of what america used to be when i grew up. i thought it was. but we changed after world war ii. but after bush, it got out of hand and when obama came in, in 2008, we thought there would be reform-- many of us did. and i think edward snowden, one of his motivations was he was hopeful and he waited for five years-- he was working that whole time in intelligence roundtable community-- and he saw by 2013 that there was no reform. on the contrary, obama was doubling down on the bush administration. >> stephen: do you spend any time with snowden for this? >> i did. i went nine times to moscow. and he helped us. he cooperated with us. he gave us a lot of detail -- >> has he seen final product? >> yes, he has. he is very pleased with it and said it was as realistic on policy as it could be given that it's a movie. he understands the nature of a two-hour movie versus a documentary. we stuck to the facts.
we haven't made up anything outrageous, but we used dramatic vice devices to make it a thriller. i wanted to make "bourne identity" but i don't have any guns. there is a beautiful sexy female lead in it, shailene woodley. i think you'll like her. >> stephen: is there sexy time in it? they're trying to sell some tickets, man. is there sexy time in this? >> it's sexy time but it's surveyed time. >> stephen: so the government is watching the sexy time? you just sold some ticket, my friend. >> i'm sorry, the pornographic habits of our audience, was-- is always being watched because you don't-- i don't want to go into all the stories, but there are a lot of muslims in america, and they made a specialty of watching their pornographic habits because they were looking for ways to discredit them. >> stephen: two days ago we had joseph gordon-levitt on the show. >> yes. >> and he said that one of the-- one the of the things that you two did together is you smoked some weed and you watched movies
together. legally, i have to ask you, are you high right now? ( laughter ). >> uh, i've enjoyed my life. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. snowden is out in theatres now. oliver stone, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian jon fisch. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ one smart choice leads to the next. ♪ the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ♪
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idonald trump says he alone can fix the problems we face. well i don't believe that's how you get things done in our country. it takes democrats and republicans working together. that's how we got health care for 8 million kids. rebuilt new york city after 9/11. and got the treaty cutting russia's nuclear arms. we've got to bring people together. that's how you solve problems and that's what i'll do as president.
breaking news from cbs3 "eyewitness news". good evening everyone i'm york washington. we are interrupting regular programming for breaking news right now. let's give you live picture from chopper three over southwest philadelphia. two philadelphia police officers have been shot tonight. the shooting happened at 52nd and spruce. near samson along the police activity right now extends for blocks. now this all began around 11:20, 11:25 tonight. the injured officers were rushed to. (penn presbyterian medical center. both officers are in stable condition. police also say a suspect was shot and killed. exactly how this all unfolded, though, still remains unclear. numerous police officers rushed to the scene upon getting word of the shooting there's precinct at vinyl and pine and huge police presence on the ground right now as you see live from chopper three. again, at last report this just
into us six block area is the search ground for a possible second suspect from 47 toth 53rd street between market and pine streets. if you're watching us live in that perimeter keep your doors and wip dose lock. stay inside while the police do their work. the authorities are saying no one comes in that perimeter to one comes out until a possible second suspect is apprehended and the all clear is given. we'll be here for as long as it takes to bring you the latest we have a report on the scene gathering more information for you again two philadelphia police officers shot at 52nd and spruce near samson in west philadelphia. both are in stable condition at penn presbyterian hospital. at least one suspect is dead and another possible suspect is on the run. we're still gathers that information. we do have crews at the scene and at the hospital. we'll continue to stay on top of this breaking story and break in with new information as we get it. for now let's return you to the late show with stephen coluber. i'm ukee washington.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my next guest is a very funny comedian that you can see at the comedy cellar right here in new york city. please welcome jon fisch! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> thanks. thank you, guys! new york city! ( cheers and applause ) i've been living here almost 15 years. and i feel like i'm become really entitled, but i've also had to lower my standards.
it's a weird yin-yang thing if you come tow new york and you come to my apartment you're impressed. but if you're not, you're like, "are you okay? are you aware your mattress touches three of the walls in your bedroom?" ( laughter ) i'm starting to think i go to the sushi restaurant in my neighborhood too much, because when i got these new glasses, they were the first ones to notice. ( laughter ) i usually go by myself, but i threw them off one day. i can come in, they're like "table for one?" i'm like, "no, i'm meeting a friend." and i swear to god the guy goes, "he has friends!" to the whole restaurant. then i had to wait five minutes for my friend and i'm like,
"great, they think i have an emergency imaginary friend." other weird stuff has happened to me at this place. last christmas, they gave me a present. i'm sitting there eating, they brought me a wrapped bottle of sake and they're like, "merry christmas, from everybody at watawa." i thought, i don't know what is sadder, that a restaurant just gave me my only christmas gift or that these people, who i guess are my best friend, keep forgetting that i am jewish. ( cheers and applause ) i have a brother. he is also jewish. ( laughter ) he married an italian catholic lady. and they have two kids, two little girls, and they decided
to raise them both jewish-- totally ignoring my suggestion of raising one of them jewis ( laughter ) and the other one catholic, and then we'd get to see who wins. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i love my nieces. they are adorable. my older niece is 11, she's very funny. she is already a little jaded somehow. she came up to me out of nowhere one day and said, "so, where's your family?" i'm like, "well, you're my family." she goes, no, you're real family. i said, "don't you think if i had kids, i would introduce you to them at some point?" she goes, "i don't know, "and just walked away. "i don't know. don't need an answer.
just wanted you to think about your life for a little while. we're all not impressed." ( laughter ) my life is weird to her. i get that. i'm 43, i've never been married. i kind of thought i'd be divorced by now. ( laughter ) i've been dating divorced women lately, which happens in my age bracket. and there's that saying: "all the good ones are taken?" good news, everybody-- they'll be back. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) even my buddies are getting divorced. which is weird. it's like we're living the same lives again all of a sudden. but we got there so differently. ( laughter ) it's like i've been on a direct flight.
( laughter ) sitting in first class. meanwhile they've been on a greyhound bus for 12 years, just stopping at every cracker barrel. ( laughter ) but i have learned a lot over the years. here's something for you. from now on, when a girl tells me that she is a mess and an alcoholic, i'm going to take her word for it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you guys cheered me up. i'm at a weird place in my life. i told you, notice girlfriend, no wife. all my family lives in massachusetts. i live here. i realized recently just how alone i am, because my emergency contact is going to be surprised. ( laughter ) right? you get that call and you're like, "wait, what?
i'll be right there!" my person is gonna be like, "watawa sushi, can i help you?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: his album is "he has friends." jon fisch, everybody. we'll be right back. narrator: terrorism here at home. fourteen americans killed in a san bernardino mass shooting... but after this tragedy - when
pat toomey had the chance to ban suspected terrorists from buying guns - he voted against closing this loophole for terrorists - and with the gun lobby. katie: we have to do everything in our power to keep guns away from terrorists who threaten our way of life. i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message because we can't risk our families' safety on a loophole.
big oil polluters. they have a friend in pennsylvania. millionaire pat toomey. toomey voted to protect their special tax breaks. saving oil companies twenty-four billion dollars. and big oil polluters have given toomey seven
hundred thousand dollars in campaign contributions. tax breaks for them. campaign contributions for him. pat toomey. he's helping big oil polluters and millionaires. not the rest of us. lcv victory fund is responsible for the content of this advertising.
>> stephen: hey! that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in next week when i have first lady michelle obama, chris pratt, and mr. bruce springsteen. james corden is next. have a great weekend! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready, y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where you think you come from it'll be like spaghetti ♪ it's the late, late show! >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from tulsa, oklahoma, give it up for your host, thon