Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

11:35 pm
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: john leguizamo, what's going on! thanks for being here, man. thanks for being here for my live vice presidential debate show. it's going to be fun. >> it's going to be so much fun. i'm honored to be here. >> stephen: it's my honor to have you. >> i was thinking a crazy thought, it's a viptial debate, right. so what if i was-- it could be fun-- what if i was your vice host. >> stephen: oh, yeah, but what does a vice host do? >> the same thing as a vice president. i hang around and do nothing. and i can take the reigns of the show, some something terrible happen to you. >> stephen: okay, but it's probably not going to happen. >> probably not. ( laughing )
11:36 pm
( laughter ) ka stephen: i don't trust this guy. >> he shouldn't trust me. ( laughter ) la stephen: i wonder what he's thinking. >> i'm going to murder you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what? >> what-- was i thinking out loud? >> stephen: yeah, you said that out loud. >> that was supposed to be my interior monologue. >> stephen: no problem, have a great show. it's going to be great. don't murder me. os i'll try not to. can somebody get me a sharper cheese moo knife? >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes. john leguizano. cheri oteri. and paul f. tompkins. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live from the ed you sullivan theater in new york
11:37 pm
city, second banna, the debate coverage. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you very much! wow! >> jon: how you doing? >> stephen: hey! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice, thank you very much. that's a live crowd. thank you very much. thanks, everybody. woooo! thank you very much. that's awfully nice. that's awfully nice. ( cheers ) yeah. all right. hey! please! thanks, everybody! welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert.
11:38 pm
we are live from the ed sullivan theater. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful new york, new york, after the vice presidential debate. man, was that vice-exciting! ( laughter ) did you guys watch the debate? you watch the debate? everybody here? ( cheers and applause ) good. that's good. for those of you who missed the debate, i'll boil it down for you: once upon a time there ybs a man who didn't release his taxes and a woman who didn't release her emails-- and fight. ( laughter ) coming into tonight, we knew almost nothing about either mike pence or tim kaine. in fact, "more than 40% of americans cannot name the vice presidential candidates." so these guys are really running for commander in "heyy... chief." what's up, buddy? so the question is, who are these guys?
11:39 pm
tim kaine has been a mayor, lieutenant governor, governor and now senator. he also plays harmonica in a band that is actually called-- i'm not kidding-- the jugbusters. ( laughter ) e applause ) i'm not sure i can say that on as. >> jon: i don't know. this is live, too. >> stephen: i assume junk jiglers was not available. when asked about kaine's preparations, one preparations, one of his aides said, "he doesn't have a pair of lucky debate socks or anything crazy." oh, no! tim kaine gave up his crazy debate socks back in his wild college days. he'd hang one on the doorknob to let his roommate know he was debating. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile-- big debating fans here tonight. meanwhile, mike pence is the governor of indiana, who worked as a local talk radio host and described himself as "rush limbaugh on decaf." ( laughter ) that's interesting.
11:40 pm
i didn't realize caffeine was the active ingredient in oxycontin. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't know. i didn't know. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: safer than i thought. i gotta get some. as governor, pence's record was marked by his religious freedom bill that allows businesses to refuse service to gay customers on religious grounds. because because as jesus himself said "get out of my pizza parlor, you queers." i'm paraphrasing. obviously, we're paraphrasing. that's a roughly translation. much niecer in the original americaic. they say these vice presidential debates don't matter, and hillary clinton better hope because it was like watching white bread
11:41 pm
get pistol whipped by a jar of mayonnaise: not a lot of flavor, but there was a clear winner. early on, moderator elaine quijano set the rules. >> i would remind you that there is to be no cheering, no booing, re noise of any kind as the debate gets underway. >> stephen: please muffle your yawns, silence your blinks, and apply the breathe-right strips before you fall asleep in your seat. and she was not afraid to ask the tough questions! >> governor pence, let me ask you, you have said donald trump is, "thoughtful, compassionate, and steady." >> stephen: "my question is, governor, have you met donald shump?" ( cheers and applause ) that doesn't sound-- that doesn't sound like it. ( applause ) there was one exciting moment when jose bautista crushed that fastball over the left field wall for a home run. full disclosure: i may have switched over to the playoffs just a little bit.
11:42 pm
one of the things i noticed was how much the candidates were writing while the other was speaking. i believe we have a close-up of what tim kaine was writing. that makes sens. and mike pence-- another good, he did. mission accomplished. mission accomplished. at one point and this surprised me a little bit-- tim kaine used some pretty salty sslk. >> he's trying to sum up what donald trump said. >> stephen: what the fuzz? watch the language, you motherfuzzer. you jugbuster. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. big jugbuster fans here tonight. ( laughter ) kaine also had some colorful attacks on trump: >> he's got kind of a
11:43 pm
personal mount rushmore. vladimir putin, kim jong-un moammar qadafi, and sadam hussein. >> come on. >> stephen: that is untrue, senator. i have seen trump's personal mount rushmore. it's three trump heads and one grimace. mao, pence was pretty passionate. like he was from disney's hall of vice presidents. >> the trump foundation is a private family foundation. they give virtually every cent in the trump foundation to charitable causes. >> stephen: it's true, they give virtually every cent to charities. the dollars, however, all go to donald trump. but pennies-- but the pennies-- here you go. here gu. here are the pennies. dance! hnce! ance. it would be fun to see them do
11:44 pm
that. i gotta say, pence had a pretty good night. there were some surprising admissions from this cultural conservative. >> i try and spend a little time on my knees every day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: apparently, mike pence is also very close with vladimir putin. rew fair warning, fair warning, mike-- indiana businesses can now refuse to serve you. ( cheers and applause ) and it's your law. it's your law. and when kaine mentioned trump's insults of mexicans, for the fourth time, pence had the perfect comeback. >> senator, you-- you-- you whipped out that mexican thing again. ( laughter )
11:45 pm
( applause ) >> stephen: "that mexican thing? that mexican thing?" it has a name, governor. i call it pedro. and it taught me spanish! ( applause ) so onso on, lay. let's say pence's strong performance bodes well for trump since everyone knows the team with the best backup quarterback always wins the super bowl. anyway, i don't know about you, but i am fuzzing happy that that thing is over and that we have a ereat show for you tonight. leguizamo is here. and when we futurn, i'll be over there, talking about the dramatic endorsement donald trump has just received from a major newspaper. stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) just received from a major newspaper.
11:46 pm
stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) the bud light party wasn't invited to the debates. but we don't need them. we have debates of our own every night. a hotdog is a sandwich. over bud lights, of course. it's pronounced jif. you cannot outrun a zebra. here's to good natured civil debates. also, it's gif. ♪ever since you touched my ♪i whand i knew♪ou, ♪i love you, i love you, i love you.♪
11:47 pm
♪where you go i'll follow, i'll follow, i'll follow.♪ ♪you'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,♪ ♪forever ♪ but she always told me i don't mcare if you turn out, to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. (phone ringing) answering machine: hi, leave a message after the beep. (beep) hey mom, this is larry. i just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. love you. (beep) which is good for me 200-degree range of sight hey! and bad for the barkley twins. take care of all your most important parts with centrum.
11:48 pm
upgraded to our most d3 ever. ♪ with this level of engineering... it's a performance machine. with this degree of intelligence... it's a supercomputer. with this grade of protection... it's a fortress. and with this standard of luxury... it's an oasis. introducing the completely redesigned e-class. it's everything you need it to be...and more. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
11:49 pm
i would support legislation in pennsylvania that would ban abortion and i would suggest we have penalties for doctors who perform them. would you put people in jail for performing abortions? at some point doctors performing abortions i think would be subject to that sort of penalty. dscc is responsible for the content of this advertising.
11:50 pm
( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up! jon, i do not-- i do not need-- i don't need any coffee tonight because you have an incredible guest sitting in with you tonight. tell everybody who is sitting in with you tonight. >> jon: we have the talented and incredible melissa etheridge. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. i understand you have a new album coming out. it's called "memphis rock and
11:51 pm
soul." it is out this friday. melissa, thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. thank you. >> stephen: welcome to our continuing live coverage of us being live, everybody. we've been talking tim kaine and mike pence tonight. one of those men will be the 48th vice president of the united states. the other will be on "dancing with the stars." ( laughter ) now, for the first time ever, -- this is-- this is somewhat surprising-- the "usatoday" has weighed in on a presidential race, calling donald trump "unfit for the presidency." that's right, if donald trump wins, "usa today" believes, there's-- there's-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) melissa, melissa, i want to thank you for being here for my last show. >> my pleasure.
11:52 pm
>> stephen: that's right. i'll try this joke again. ( laughter ) if trump wins, "usatoday" believes there's no "usa tomorrow." ( laughter ) ( applause ) this could have-- wait. do you understand? this could have a huge influence on hotel hallway floors. ( laughter ) this is a huge deal. the "usatoday" has never endorsed a candidate, and they still haven't because while they're against trump, they're still not for hillary, writing "the editorial board does not have a consensus for a clinton endorsement. our bottom-line advice for voters is stay true to your convictions. that might mean a vote for clinton, or it might mean a third-party candidate, or a write-in." ( laughter ) or a plastic bag and rubber band that can fit around your neck. the point is, you have options. now, while the "usatoday" didn't endorse hillary, republican newspapers like the "arizona republic" and "cincinatti enquirer," have.
11:53 pm
making her the first democrat they have ever endorsed. ( applause ) meanwhile, donald trump has earned zero presidential endorsements from america's 50 biggest newspapers. ing that shosing that-- that is. there are still 50 newspapers? but my crack research team did find one newspaper that has endorsed donald trump. joining us live via satellite from gangrene, wisconsin, please welcome the editor in chief of the "oh,ly boirchgly supermarket's ad circular. mr. carl tolan. >> oh,ly, boirchgly, stephen. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> it's my pleasure. stephen, would you care for a free sample of delicious gorton's fish sticks? it's 30% off, limit five per
11:54 pm
household. >> stephen: i'm in new york, carl. >> okay, i'll mail them to you. you are the editor in chief per the oinkly-boinkly ad circular i am. a lot of pressure, i can understand that. >> what is the relationship of your circular? >> today i would say looks to be about seven. , of course, you can't tell the exact number since we used some of the circulars to mop up spills. >> stephen: and-- and why did you make the bold decision to endorse donald trump for president? >> well, i just believe in his message, stephen. trump wants to make america great again. speaking of great, this week only, you can save 40 cents on kraft parmesan cheese, now with a flavor lock cap. >> stephen: okay, so, i
11:55 pm
understand you like your slogan, but what about the wall with mexico? what about that? >> >> well, i certainly believe we need to protect our border towns like old el paso. ( laughter ) i'm not sure mexico will pay for it, but for just pennies a serving, every night can can be taco tuesday. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: okay, well that's a message-- that's a message of hope. i think we're getting off track here, carl. what about trump's controversial statements regarding minorities, muslims and even about miss universe pulling on weight. >> yes, all of that is horrible, but if you're looking to lose a few pounds, look no further than slim-fast meal replacement shakes. buy one, get one free. new look same great taste. >> stephen: carl, i hate to call you out on this but you clearly just endorsed trump to promote sales. if you wanted to mention your specials on a tv show, couldn't you have easily endorsed capitol
11:56 pm
hill kennedy hill? >> i don't know, there's something about a trump presidency that makes people want to stock up on canned goes. we'll be right back with john leguizamo. thank you, sir. thank you.
11:57 pm
and yet, it's everything.. introducing pepsi zero sugar. zero sugar. zero calories. but max pepsi taste. nothing has never tasted so good. mr. bonejangles was alwaysr. looking for something.tch. but he never found it. until one day... seven in dog time... exactly what he didn't know he was looking for fell right in his lap. was he expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price? no, of course not, he's a dog. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it.
11:58 pm
marshalls. your surprise is waiting. try theraflu expressmax,nd flu hold you back now in new caplets. it's the only cold & flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. theraflu. for a powerful comeback. new expressmax caplets. with's for every 10 nights you stay, you get one free. which is great for families. finally! whatever captain obvious. great for families. mom! and for sore losers!
11:59 pm
12:00 am
♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey! my first guest tonight is an emmy-winning actor, a producer, stand-up comedian playwright, and activist. please welcome john leguizamo! ♪ ♪
12:01 am
>> stephen: nice look. nice look. >> i know, right? >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> i look like your evil latin brother. >> stephen: you kind of do. you don't have to be my evil latin brother. you can be my good latin brother. >> that's true, that's true. >> stephen: why do you have to make latino evil? you are such a racist. >> the country is turning that way towards me. >> stephen: does it feel that way? >> a little bit, profiling. >> stephen: can you speak for all latinos for awe second? >> yes, i can. i don't know if they'll let me. >> stephen: americans do think of all hispanic people-- oh, yeah, the people who speak spanish. but there is such a wide variety of people-- >> colombians, venezuelans. one of each! >> stephen: exactly. legally we have to have one. are they all-- >> i love toakins. donald trump has been the best
12:02 am
thing to ever happen to latin people. i know you're moaning and groaning, but activists have been trying to unify us for years to get us out to register. ( cheers and applause ) to vote. to speak up. to get, like, a latin spring going. and trump's done that for us. i mean, we're registering in ridiculous numbers all around the country. ( applause ) yup. republican cubans in florida are not going to vote for trump. they said they're not going to vote for him. >> stephen: the cuban population is traditionally more republican than the rest of the hispanic population. >> and florida is not so much run by the latin republican cubans. you have venezuelans there, colombians, nicaraguans -- one of each. i feel like noah's ark, with latin people, or something. ask they're voting democrat. and so i'm going to go down there october 11 and register voters to. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: yeah. >trump has anopportunity. pence did pretty well tonight.
12:03 am
>> it wasn't as boring as i thought. you're right -- >> no, no, they interrupted each other a lot. >> two very dull white people talking to each other. now of not you. not you. >> stephen: no, no, two very dull, you know, white people talking on top of each other is more interesting than one dull white person just staring at a camera, i suppose. >> true that. >> stephen: are you worried at all that trump might win? you are saying a lot of latino voters are registering, but are you really worried he might win? he has a shot at it. >> he does. the polls are too close. she says she's winning but she's not. she's up by five point. it's still too close. all my family is nervous. we all have a knot in our stomach, eating too much comfort food, dunkin' donuts. >> stephen: is that traditional hispanic comfort food? dunkin' donuts? >> you live in new york, they're everywhere. you can't help yourself. that smell, they waft it out. ( laughter ) and, you know, in spanish community, they call them "el
12:04 am
trump." >> stephen: now, what does that mean? ( laughter ). >> any spanish-- come on. you speak spanish enough. >> stephen: "the trump. >> right. any latin word that has an article before it means there's some kind of scary monster thing, like the drug dealer el chapo. or the blood-sucking goat, and he's el trump. >> it's like eat your vegetables or el trump will get you. it's possible, it's possible. you're from queens. >> yes, i am. >> stephen: he's from queens. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah, he is. >> stephen: you're both from queens. did your paths ever cross? >> yeah, i mean, but not in queens. they crossed in manhattan. >> stephen: when, like-- >> he was at every club. >> stephen: you went clubbing with him? >> no, i didn't -- >> you were at the club and donald trump was there technically you're clubbing with donald trump? >> kind of. i was grooves to the music and
12:05 am
he was doing his thing. >> stephen: did you say hi? did you meet him? >> yeah, he shook my hand and it's incredible. his hands are so little, they make my hands look big. ( cheers and applause ) you know, it's like guys love to date girls with small hands because it makes your mexican thing-- i don't know where i was going with that. i don't know. your mexican thing. i don't know where i was going with that. let it go. >> stephen: i know exactly where you were going with that but we're leaf so you have to let it go. just for once, just for once, let go of your mexican thing. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if we're even broadcasting. i'm not sure we're even broadcasting at this point. you have heard tim kaine's spanish? have you heard him speak spanish? >> yeah, it's good enough. it sounds look a little like es peranto. it's not as bad as bloomberg.
12:06 am
>> stephen: he's trying, he's trying. >> i love anybody who tries. >> stephen: and you're trying, too. you've got a new show, called "latin history for morons." >> yes. >> stephen: okay. >> all right. >> stephen: who should see it, john leguizamo? is it just morons or can people who are not morons see it? >> well, everybody is really a moron when it comes to about latin history. even i was a moron. i was a moron. that's why i wrote the show because i didn't know anything about latin history. >> stephen: what did you learn? >> we discovered this country-- discovered ourselves because we're all half native american, half white. i kind of fight with myself a lot, inside myself, i hate and love myself. we fought every single war this country has ever had. the largest minority to serve in every war. the most keckerated mine north every war-- revolutionary war, civil war, war of 1812-- that nobody cares about. >> stephen: the revolutionary war? >> 10,000 people fought in the revolutionary war. >> stephen: what? >> i know.
12:07 am
that should be in textbooks. that should be everybody. nobody knows that. we had generals -- we had general, general bernardo gavvez, freed slaves and beat the british. >> stephen: and, of course, want original hispanic american columbus. >> columbus. yes. >> stephen: colombo. >> no, that's peter faulk. >> stephen: oh, sure, sure, exactly. >> in my show, i refer to columbus as "the donald trump of the new world." ( cheers and applause ) because-- because of the business tactics. columbus comes to the new world, right. and people forget that he's italian. they say, "give me your cotton, your silver, all those things, hey," and i'm going to give you all these great mirrors here. he does a flim-flam. he gets a country, and they get all these shiny beads and mirrors. trump business style. >> stephen: it was just a real estate deal for him.
12:08 am
>> yeah, basically. >> stephen: i have-- >> what. >> stephen: i just found out something about you which is really, i think, the height of cultural impact. >> wow. >> stephen: you may not even know what i'm about to ask you. >> no, i don't. i'm going to drink some of where you are water? >> it's your water, actually. >> stephen: you are a question on the s.a.t.s. >> oh, man. >> stephen: i'm not joking. this is a page from a previous s.a.t., used for training people in the s.a.t. question number 6-- let's see. if you can answer the question about yourself. >> i went to public school. leave me alone. ( laughter ). >> stephen: okay, remember, this could get you into the college of your choice. ( laughter ). >> i dropped out of college. >> "by portraying a wide spectrum of characters in his one-man show, john leguizamo provides a blank to the theater's tendency to offer a limited range of roles to the latino actors. "a," corrective? "b," tribute? "c," corollary? "d," simulous?
12:09 am
"e," precursor. can john leguizamo provides a blank to the theater's tendency? >> um, it-- "d." >> stephen: stimulus? i'm afraid the answer is "a," a corrective. >> i knew the answer, i just wanted you to feel better than me. that's kind of guy i am. >> stephen: john leguizamo, thank you for playing, "i do know john leguizamo?" >> wow, that's impressive, man. john, thank you for being here. "bloodline" is now streaming on netflix. john leguizamo, everybody, "latino for morons." we'll be right back with cheri oteri. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
12:10 am
with 4motion all-wheel drive. soon to be...everywhere. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. (to dog)give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! (to dog)i'm so proud of you. well thank you. get your free credit scorecard at even if you're not a customer.
12:11 am
that i was on the icelandic game show. and everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. but nobody knows the box behind the discounts. oh, it's like my father always told me -- "put that down. that's expensive." of course i save people an average of nearly $600,
12:12 am
but who's gonna save me? [ voice breaking ] and that's when i realized... i'm allergic to wasabi. well, i feel better. it's been five minutes. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. talk about progress. [ chuckles ] i survived breast cancer.
12:13 am
if the doctors hadn't caught it early i might not be sitting here. so i'm outraged that pat toomey voted to defund planned parenthood... which thousands of pennsylvania women depend on for cancer screenings. pat toomey was even willing to shut down the federal government to eliminate funding for planned parenthood. shut down the government over planned parenthood? i think we ought to shut down pat toomey. senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. ( applause )
12:14 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody, to our live vice presidential debate show. give it up for melissa etheridge one more time, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) my next guest has been creating comic characters since her break-out days on "saturday night live." now she's guest starring on the new season of "those who can't." >> hey, how about lunch, you and i? my treat. ruby tuesday's. the clean one. >> the clean one! >> i love that place. i'm strayed up hooked o hooked e rib. >> i'm sorry, but the caddy only holds two, and i like to stretch out, so. >> caddy's caddy. get it. >> do you like it. >> caddy's caddy. >> honey, we can't mis you if you don't leave. please welcome cheri oteri!
12:15 am
♪ respect yourself respect yourself ♪ nice to see you again. we have not seen each other in the flesh since the last episode of "strangers with candy" in 2000, something like that. >> yup. >> stephen: and you were one of my favorite episodes ever, because i think i murder you in it. >> yes. well, that was the-- that was when they were changing-- turning the school into a mall. >> stephen: right. it's because we wrote that episode because the network wouldn't tell us we were canceled but we knew we were. so we named every member of the school board after someone who worked at the network, and then we burned the school down and murdered all of them. and said, "are we canceled now?" >> i remember they were opening up a cinna-bon. >> stephen: in the school. >> in the school.
12:16 am
and i, jamean garofalo had a cinna-bon hat and i used that for many hal weens. i would put the sen monbun on my head and i had, like, an empty carton of milk. and people said, "what are you supposed to be?" and i said, "just a like snack." >> stephen: you have been following the 2016 at all? >> oh, my gosh. it is the best new comedy of the fall season. ( cheers and applause ) i mean-- >> stephen: it's going to get canceled in about 35 days, though. >> no! >> stephen: that's it, yeah. >> i was thinking from the presidential debate and the debate tonight, the safe bet is to start off any debate saying that you grew up either around corn or draperies. >> audience: philadelphia! >> yeah, philly! >> stephen: are you from philly? >> no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you just have to yell that out. every so often legally you have to yell the location of some town.
12:17 am
now, you are known for doing great impressions. are there any characteristics of any candidate like, "i'd love to be up there performing hillary? i'd love to be up there performing trump." >> if anybody i think maybe that woman kellyanne. >> stephen: kellyanne conway, his campaign manager. >> she is not a girl who is going to hold your hair when you throw up. >> stephen: nope. >> no. >> stephen: maybe just shove your face-- >> shove your face in it. >> stephen: how about trump himself? i know you're not a 6'2" man. >> oh, you're speet! no, i don't have any impression of him or anything but it just cracks me up that, you know, when he talks about how hillary doesn't look presidential, you know, what about sounding or acting presidential? you know, he's just like. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, he's like, "wrong!
12:18 am
'cause i'm smart! " and you know what was thinking about, do you remember howard dean? >> stephen: yeah. >> poor howard dean is like, "all i did was act a little over-enthusiastic." you know what i mean. >> stephen: you've done so many impressions over the years have you ever run into somebody you have condition an impression of and they're not thrilled? here suand barbara walters. have people-- ( laughter ) have people said, like, "please do me," to you, or, "i don't like what you do?" what's it like to run into somebody like that? >> let me see. well, she's a-- you know, a great sport about it. >> stephen: she's a class act. >> but, let me see. no, i don't think-- robin byrd wanted me to do her. >> stephen: the old sort of sex-- i don't know what you'd call her. she sort of had a sex show. >> a porn talk show. >> stephen: that's right.
12:19 am
>> "talk show." >> stephen: she had a porn talk show, and she wanted you to do an impression of her? >> i started doing her on the show and she called in to encourage it. >> stephen: encourage you to do her? >> yeah. ( laughter ) ( cheers ) i don't think debbie reynolds like it vched, me doing her. but, you know, there isn't anybody i think that was too offended. yeah, i remember i did judge judy. and my manager had called me at the time and said, "judge judy called my office and she said' you tell cheri oteri that she's almost got me'." ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that you almost knot the impression. was that stop, or go for it, baby. >> no, she was go for it, baby. she was a doll. when i was watching the debates, i thought to myself, poor lester holt, he's just too poised and
12:20 am
professional. the debates with donald trump needs somebody like judge jeweledy to moderate. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sure. >> she'd be like, "your two minutes are up, orange julius!" "i know, hillary, trump-up, trickle down. it's going to trickle down my leg if you don't wrap it up, let's go!" >> stephen: you moderate. you moderate. >> no, but could you imagine judge judy? then it makes the show perfect, the television show. >> stephen: it would be shorter, that's for sure. cher cheri lovely to see you. nice to you have back. the new season of "those who can't" premieres thursday on tru-tv. cheri oteri, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian paul f. tompkins. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
12:21 am
12:22 am
when you ache and haven't you're not you. tylenol® pm relieves pain and helps you fall fast asleep and stay asleep. we give you a better night. you're a better you all day. tylenol®.
12:23 am
i think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. i'd like to punch him in the face, i'll tell you. i would bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody
12:24 am
and i wouldn't lose any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go [bleep] themselves. get him out of here! get him out of here! get the hell out of here! priorities usa action is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
12:25 am
12:26 am
i survived breast cancer. if the doctors hadn't caught it early i might not be sitting here.
12:27 am
so i'm outraged that pat toomey voted to defund planned parenthood... which thousands of pennsylvania women depend on for cancer screenings. pat toomey was even willing to shut down the federal government to eliminate funding for planned parenthood. shut down the government over planned parenthood? i think we ought to shut down pat toomey. senate majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising.
12:28 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) is there hey, everybody! welcome back. welcome back. it is 12:27 on our live show here from the ed sullivan. my next guest is a very funny writer, actor and comedian who now stars in "bajillion dollar propertie$." please welcome paul f. tompkins. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: good to see you. >> get myself -- >> thank you for being here. first question, obviously, is may i rub your velvet jacket? >> but, of course, you may. >> stephen: oh, my god. that is fantastic. last time you were here you were in the very rich sort of black watch plaid. >> that's correct.
12:29 am
>> stephen: you looked like a scottish king from the future. >> from the future! >> stephen: a scottish king would wear a kilt. >> i get what you're saying. >> stephen: you have a kingly quality about you. >> of course, i co! >> stephen: are you a good king or a bad thing, paul? >> that's for history to decide. and the future. >> stephen: speaking of the future, have you been following the campaign, the 2016 campaign? >> i've been following this election. i've been watching it like i would watch a horomovie. ( laughter ) that i'm in. and i don't know how to it's going to end. and i'm very scared of one possible outcome. like one of those kind of horror movie s. >> stephen: one of those? is one of them like, "yeah, that's okay," and one is terrifying. or one is a happy ending and one is-- >> one's like, "hey, that was a good movie. i'm glad i watched through the scary parts for that very satisfying ending." and one is like, "i want my
12:30 am
money back from that movie because i died in it." >> stephen: you watched the debate tonight. >> i did watch that debate tonight. i'm still mad about it. >> stephen: who took the trophy home? >>ic it was pence. i think not only did he take the trophy home, he ceend of looks like a trophy. do you what i mean? he's very smooth and shiny. he's got that metallic hair, which looks like the hair on a trove gle yeah. >> even the text, it looks like-- like carved into his head. i think it's a good look, guy s. >> stephen: you're complimenting him is what you're saying? >> it's not an insult. >> stephen: you're allowed to insult the candidates or else i'm in huge trouble. let's talk about "bajillion dollar propertie$." >"bajilliondollar propertie$" in seeso, which a streaming site. >> it's a streaming platform, guys. get used to it. it's 2016. >> stephen: if it you play an eccentric multi-million-ary real
12:31 am
estate developer. >> yes, his name is dean rose dragon. >> stephen: that's his actual name. >> that's his actual name, as far as we know. and he is someone who says things that may be true or he may be an insane person. >> stephen: like someone else we know. >> like another multi-millionaire business person who may or may not be running for president. >> stephen: we have a clip right here. >> what! >> stephen: we have a clip. >> this is exciting! ( laughter ) thi>> stephen: this is a clip-- >> stephen, they're going to show a clip of my tv show. >> stephen: this is dean rose dragon explaining something. >> glenn, as you be, i am an ecaccept the rick millionaire. >> yes. >> and it is my whim to pay you a little bit extra for an additional job.
12:32 am
>> oh. >> i would like you to pretend to be my son. tell everyone that i'm your fawct. if anyone asks, you say yes, dean is my dad, and i am his son. >> wow, wow. this is a dream capitol hill true. >> no, no, no. >> does that sound like a fun job. >> no, glenn, it is not a dream come true. it's the truth. dean is your father. >> yes, he is my father. >> dean, he's really your father. >> this is a good test right off the bat. >> this isn't a test. >> you're doing smashing. very good. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you really are. he does seem insane. >> he's an insane man. but some things are true. >> stephen: what cow mean? what do you mean? that sounds like it's a zen code. he's an insane man but some of the insane things he does are true? >> perhaps they are. >> stephen: you really sound like you're losing a debate right now. ( laughter )
12:33 am
by the way, one more thing about the debate-- this audience is allowed to react. the audience is not allowed to react in these presidential and vice presidential debates, unlike the primaries. do you think it would be better-- we would have enjoyed this debate more if the audience had been allowed to clap and cheer and stuff like that? >> after that presidential debate which was so-- i was very enervated after watching that debate. >> stephen: is that good or bad? >> it's-- oh. i don't know. i was all wound up afterwards. >> stephen: okay, sure. >> i don't know if that's good or bad but i was certainly wound up afterwards. and that was exciting. no matter how you felt about which ever candidate i think that was a very exciting debate to watch. and then watching this one after that was like if you saw beyonce open for the lumineers. ( laughter ) >> stephen: a fine band. >> they're a fine band! >> stephen: they're a fine band. >> they're a fine band. they shouldn't be following beyonce, though.
12:34 am
that's all i'm saying. >> stephen: okay. please come on the show, lumineers. he said it. i didn't say it. lovely to see you. one last rub? thank you. thank you. "bajillion dollar propertie$" second season premieres oct 13 on seeso, paul f. tompkins everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. ♪
12:35 am
12:37 am
"late show" everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be armie hammer, lindsay vonn, and musical guest gustavo dudamel and the simoón boliívar symphony orchestra. now stick around for james corden. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >>ou


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on