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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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colbert is captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: amy, no more meetings, please. i've got to finish the monologue. >> okay. >> stephen: am i talking to you on my stapler? >> yes. >> stephen: thank you. >> oh, stephen! oooh. >> stephen: good lord! it's a scary ghost, just in time for halloween. >> what? no, i'm the ghost of christmas past. >> stephen: christmas past? it's october! >> i know. it gets earlier and earlier every year. they make me work on thanksgiving. >> stephen: look, buddy, i'm sorry, i'm just-- i'm not ready for christmas yet. i haven't even carved my pumpkin. you're going to have to come back. >> ooooh...
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( laughter ). >> stephen: it's locked. >> oh. oooohh... ( laughter ) my advice-- lose the eggs and say you're a zombie. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes joel mchale. abbi jacobson. and jon glaser. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey!
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i liked that. >> stephen: whoa! nice jacket! i like that. very nice. hey, everybody! what's going on? hey, chris! what's up? what's going on, mark? welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. so nice to see you. lovely to have you folks here. i'm stephen colbert, your host for the evening. and ladies and gentlemen, check your calendars. we are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking. ( laughter ). ( cheers ) ( applause ) and trump's surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the
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"titanic" did-- remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is. just this morning, just this morning, trump got some much-needed support from new york mayor and daytime dracula rudy guiliani. here's what rude heto say when asked if trump's campaign is racist. >> racist? the last thing in the world donald trump is, is a racist. i've known him for 28 years. the man likes white people. he likes black people. he likes hispanic people. he plays golf with them. >> stephen: yes! he plays golf with them? come on! he doesn't care if you're black or white as long as you can afford the greens fees. and there's yet another reason jooul thinks it's unfair to call trump a racist. unfortunately, it's not a good reason. >> to say that donald trump is a racist is outrageous. to call anybody a racist is outrageous. >> stephen: exactly, to call
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anyone racist-- racists don't exist. they're like unicorns, or giuliani's sense of shame. you can't find it anywhere! ( cheers and applause ) and rudy guiliani wasn't the only one desperately tried to defend trump, because last nig night, former speaker and talking bag of laundry, newt gingrich, was asked by megyn kelly about trump's alleged grabin. >> if trump is a sexual predator, that is-- >> he's not a sexual predator. you can't say that. >> okay, that's your opinion. i'm not taking a position on it. i'm not taking a position on that. >> it's not true. now, i'm sick and tired of people like you using language that's inflammatory. that's not true. you want to go back through the tapes of your show recently, you are fascinated with sex, and you don't care about public policy.
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>> stephen: first off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. if you're not, if you're not, there's a pill for that now. but the thing is, megyn "kelly file" isn't talking about fun time, bedroom whoopi making. she's talking about assault. wait, unless newt doesn't know the difference. maybe no one gave him the talk. hold on, let's do this. "newt, sweetheart, you're growing up so fast. in fact, you're 73. your body's changing. ( laughter ) you've probably noticed some strange new hair growing on your earlobes. it's perfectly natural. you're old enough to finally learn about the birds and the bees and the consent. you see, when a man has special feelings for a woman, and he wants to give her a special hug, he asks her a special question: 'you up?' but grabbing a lady because you're a tv star is not sex.
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it's assault. and fun fact, assault is a matter of public policy, because it's illegal, even if you use tic tacs." ( cheers and applause ) i hope that clears things up, buddy. i would explain to you what sex is, but then i'd have to picture you doing it." of course, megyn "kelly file" isn't the only one upset about trump's locker room talk. on friday, joe biden unloaded on the potential groper-in-chief. >> he said, "because i'm famous, because i'm a star, because i'm a billionaire, i can do things other people can't." the press always asks me, don't i wish i were debating him? no, i wish we were in high school. i could take him behind the gym. that's what i wish. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. ( cheers and applause ) wow. >> jon: he got some fire.
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he got some fire on him. >> stephen: that is theang riest i've seen joe biden since they hiked up the price of crest whitestrips. and "behind the gym?" behind the gym? i kind of remember getting my ass kicked plenty inside the gym. i didn't even realize i had another option. then, yesterday, trump counterpunched. >> did you see where biden wants to take me to the back of the barn? me. he wants it. i'd love that. i'd love that. mr. tough guy. you know, he's mr. tough guy. >> stephen: that's right, tough guy. yeah, tough guy. donald trump's not afraid of anything. except divorce lawyers, the i.r.s., and normal-sized gloves. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hey, tough guy. hey, tough guy. hey, tough guy. hey, hey, hey! hey, tough guy, tough guy.
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by the way, jim, can we put up that photo again of trump? there you go. of course, for security reasons, the secret service insists he travel with his body double, that pumpkin. ( laughter ) ( applause ) hey, tough guy. tough guy! now, let's be realistic here. as exciting as this is, let's be realistic. we're talking about the 73-year-old vice president and the 70-year-old g.o.p. nominee facing off in one-on-one combat. it's a fun idea to think about, but it ain't gonna happen. or is it? mr. trump, i know you're watching, because i just said your name. and, joe, i know you're watching because amtrak has wi-fi now. the time for talk is over. it's time for both of you to step into the ring and throw down on my show. it's biden versus trump! the veep versus creep!
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two men enter. two men enter. two paramedics also enter, because these guys are very old. the best part-- all proceeds from the fight will be donated to a charity of your choice. for biden, the red cross. for trump, boob jobs for uggos. ( laughter ) now, gentlemen, you're under no obligation to agree to this fight, but please do, because i already made this promotional video. jim? >> joe biden! >> i'd like to take him behind the gym. >> donald trump! >> i'd love that. mr. tough guy. >> coming soon to cbs. it's the "rumble in the trumple. the thrilla in orange with a swirl of vanilla. las vegas, one night only in the magnificent new trump barn slk gym-borena. the g.o.p. nominee, versus the person you wish was the
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democratic nominee. biden-trump, only cbs. your destination for watching old people do things. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you. your move, guys. oh, and, mr. vice-president, be careful out there. we all know that trump has a history of grabbing below the belt. we've got a great show for you tonight. joel mchale is here. but on the other side of the commercial break, we've got a "werd" you don't want to miss so stick around, everybody. was she expecting to find ther perfect designer boots at such an amazing price? no. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises.
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hey, don't shoot the messenger, but that other messenger? he's been lying to you about katie mcginty. the truth is, in government and business katie mcginty's been a leader in clean energy. she's never done anything illegal or improper. turns out, the smears against mcginty are paid for by special interests and wall street billionaires who've spent 20 million dollars to keep their guy, pat toomey, in washington. that's the real message. majority forward is responsible for the content of this advertising.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up! jon, you guys sound great tonight. thank you for keeping it hot over there, because, evidently, there is no internal heating in this building. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: hey, folks. here's a fun fact you may not know. america's got a $19 trillion debt that's growing by $3.8 billion every day. that's money our grandchildren are going to have to pay back by selling their beach homes in antarctica. ( laughter ) finally, finally, someone's taking action to reduce the debt, and that brings us to tonight's "werd," debt offensive.
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now, one of the big reasons we're so broke is that the wars in iraq and afghanistan cost an estimated $4.8 trillion. that's a lot of money. ( laughter ) and the pentagon knows how they're going to get some of that money back, because "thousands of california soldiers are being forced to repay their enlistment bonuses after going to war." ( audience boos ) and it gets better. you see, back when the government needed more soldiers to fight in iraq and afghanistan, the california national guard held huge seminars where they offered "bonuses of $15,000 or more to re-enlist and go to war." but here's the thing: the guard was so desperate for troops, that they offered the money before they checked whether individual soldiers were eligible for it. and now, turns out-- here's the funny part-- the pentagon wants the money back, after "a federal
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investigation found that thousands of bonuses were given to california guard soldiers who did not qualify for them, or were approved despite paperwork errors." now, for the record, these people did go to war, but you know what they say: paperwork is hell. in total, the pentagon wants back about $100 million in bonuses. now, that, that may sound like a lot of money, but in the early days of the iraq war, the pentagon had unlimited budgets to go along with their unlimited reasons why we were there. one of the fun ways they bankrupted us was the nearly $12 billion in shrink-wrapped $100s they loaded onto c-17s and flew to baghdad. hard to believe. luckily, there's a picture of it. now, there's an urban myth that the 12 billion disappeared days
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after arriving. that's not true. they only lost $9 billion. i don't know how. now, not only-- not only is the pentagon asking the troops for their re-enlistment bonuses back. they've also tacked on a 1% processing fee. congratulations, military. you've somehow made me feel good about my credit card company. now, here's what i don't get: the troops signed a contract, and they kept their end of the bargain-- they went to war, a war that both presidential candidates now say was a mistake, even though both supported it at the time. and when the troops got home, we exposed the troops to predatory lending, allowed them to be rippedded off by fake online universities, and made them wait years to go to overcrowded v.a.
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hospitals. and now, the turd on the sun district attorney, we're bankrupting them to pay back the bonuses that we promised. once again, the troops get screwed. good, because what really upset taxpayers about iraq was the part where we paid our soldiers what we promised, no w.m.d.s? that's an honest mistake. a private doesn't fill out his paperwork, we will chase you to the gates of hell! ( cheers and applause ) to be fair, to be fair, secretary carter can't actually fix this. only congress can change the law. and leaders there say they are prepared to take prompt action, even though they've known for at
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least two years about pentagon efforts to take back bonuses from veterans. so, come on, congress. two years? it should be easy to forget the troops' debt because we've apparently forgotten the debt we owe them. and that's the "werd." we'll be right back with joel mchale. ooh, why the phelps face? old computer slowing you down?
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like me, she has pennsylvania working class roots, biden: this is what i know about katie mcginty - and she's never abandoned them. hard work. family. playing it straight. that's katie. and the ads attacking her? they're a bunch of malarkey. katie's career is about looking out for families like yours. creating jobs, keeping our environment safe. she's a wife, a mom, a basketball fan, a homework supervisor. she's like you and she'll fight for you in the united states senate. i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message. i've always taken on the status quo. in harrisburg, they didn't like it when i stopped their perks
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and pushed for reform. as head of pennsylvania's third-largest county, i cut out wall street middlemen to protect pensions. now, as chairman of the pennsylvania commission on crime, i'm leading the fight to stop the epidemic of heroin and opioid abuse. as attorney general, i'll prosecute anyone who scams our seniors. and i'll hold the oil and gas companies accountable to keep our drinking water safe. i'm josh shapiro. i'll be an attorney general who always fights for you. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! thank you, jon. thank you very much. thank you, lewis. >> jon: got that thing? >> stephen: folks, my first guest tonight hosted "the soup," and starred in "community."
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his new show, "the great indoors," premieres on cbs on thursday. please welcome joel mchale. >> yes. oh, i already sat down. >> stephen: sit down. you're the guest. sit down first. i'm very happy to have you on. i'm a fan. >> thank you. >> stephen: i really loved your work on "community." >> thank you very much. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and i don't know if i'm going to be the first person to say this to you. >> probably. >> stephen: but i do have a bone to pick with you? >> really? >> stephen: yes, because you're a gifted comedian-- it's the true-- and it was alarming because sometimes i would see you on "community" like in an open shirt-- >> right, and you got turned on. it's cool. >> stephen: no, because you're alarmingly fit for someone who has spent their life in comedy. it doesn't usually go together.
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>> look -- >> there's a reason why i never even take the tie off. ( laughter ). >> you are in great shape for someone in their 70s. you look great. >> stephen: thank you very much, that's very kind. >> you're well preserved. >> stephen: absolutely, absolutely. >> no, i would-- yes, thank you. but -- >> it's not a compliment. i'm angry. >> i see. >> stephen: i'm angry. how did you do it? did you start off fit? were you an athlete? >> oh, thank you. yes, i was. no, i am-- yes, i am in shape for a comedian, but that's like saying, "have you tried that airport chili? it's pretty good for the airport." ( laughter ) so, yes, i play-- i did play a lot of sports. >> stephen: what sports did you play? >> well, we don't have all night, do we? ( laughter ) no, i played a lot of sports badly. i played some bad college football. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> and i rode in college as well. >> stephen: oh, you were-- you were a crew member. >> but as you know, no one watches crew, other than the
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people doing it. ( laughter ) and as an actor, i wanted response from a crowd. and i got into a fist fight with the varsity rowing crew. >> stephen: the whole-- the whole crew? >> well, it was 11 versus two, and it's a long story, but there was a lot of hazing going on, if you're in a sport -- >> in crew? >> in crew. if you're in a sport nobody knows then you have to make up rituals to make yourself feel important. ( laughter ) i am really alienating an entire tradition on the east coast of crew. >> stephen: were you first stroke? >> no a starboard midpull man. >> stephen: you're making stuff up. >> i was at the university of washington and they make you shave all your hair off and eyebrows off and put all that hair into a pillow and that goes into a display case of hair pillows. yes. hannibal lecter got his start pe university of washington. and i didn't push in a chair properly, and this guy and i got
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cornered by the crew team. i was a freshman at the time. and, yeah, it wasn't fun time to be slapped around by -- >> so you went over to football where it was less violent? >> well, yes. well, you got to wear a helmet. ( laughter ) and i was a-- i was a terrible football player. i was on the practice squad. i loved doing it. but the defense would come at you, and on the practice squad, i would just cry, and poop and be like, "please, don't hit me." they felt great. they went into games feeling great. they got beat after that, because i was terrible. >> stephen: you were basically a ligtackling dummy. >> yes. and i even put, like, a big orange sock over me to look like one. i couldn't move my arms at all. >> stephen: how did you go from that to comedy? did you start in college? >> of course, when you get out of college football it's either broadcasting or embittered alcoholism. i knew i was-- it was not-- i
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shouldn't even be in college i was so bad at it. as you know, your muse sits down next to you and taps ow the the nose and says, "it's time for comedy." no, i was super high. no. ( laughter ) i don't know. it was the only thing i was good at, other than taking a ball and throwing it through a ring, as a sport. yeah, so -- >> you were a carney? >> yes. >> stephen: kind of? >> i have a mullet and a beard, a light beer with me all the time. i actually saw you perform in chicago. >> stephen: what! >> if steve carell. >> stephen: at second city. >> at second city back in 1972. when you had just gotten out of graduate school. >> stephen: exactly. it was the two of us, bellucci. yup. >> bellucci, and bing crosby. he was amazing. he did the music. ( laughter ). >> stephen: talk about a bitter alcoholic. >> oh, man. no, but upper -- >> people still love bing so
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much, so-- you should read his bio. >> yeah. huge jerk. we have really accomplished a lot here tonight. screw you, bing cross brie! no ♪ ba-rum-a-bum-bum >> i loved improv and we went and saw you and carell, and you guys, off night, but whatever! no, i'm kidding. >> stephen: it happened. >> it was brilliant! it was brilliant. >> stephen: the thing about improvisation, like 25% of it is good. and the rest, 75% of it is like, "i bet it's going to be good any minute." no, honest to god, that's true. 25% is good. >> you guys were up to 35% at least. >> stephen: probably, yeah. >> i'm sorry. i'm a dick. as you can tell. >> stephen: no, you know who is a dick? bing crosby. >> bing crosby. >> stephen: beloved-- beloved bing crosby.
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don't get me started on bob hope. good guy, really good guy. >> yeah, he was. >> stephen: solid guy. >> still alive. >> stephen: exactly. please come out here. bob? ( laughter ) no, is bob hope or bing crosby in your new show on cbs? >> what a transition, everybody. thank you. >> stephen: that's why they gave me the gig. >> how many cbs actors have been through here in the last three weeks. >> stephen: 400 cbs act organize the entire-- exactly. >> yes, it's called-- you called it the "great outdoors" which is -- >> it's not it's called "kevin can wait." >> stephen: oh, "the great indoors"? >> but we can fix this in post and no one will know. >> stephen: i don't think we can. i think they'll yang the show after we said that about bing. "the great indoors." >> the ( bleep ) bing crosby. >> stephen: the "the great indoors." >> because it takes the phrase "the great outdoors." no. ( applause ).
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>> stephen: it's about something called "outside magazine." it's the equivalent of "outside magazine." >> they already love it. >> stephen: it's a hit. it's the number one comedy that hasn't been on tv yet. >> hasn't been on tv. >> stephen: everyone will be talking about it. >> very excited about the show that hasn't aired. it's tomorrow night after this low-rated hit "big bang theory." >> stephen: that's nice positioning. >> bing crosby, year like, take that guy out. but, yeah, it's great positioning. i'm very-- believe me, i've never had a nicer time slot in my life after the vietnam time slot i had canw "community," which was literally up against the "big bang theor." and i said, "let's join them." now we're on after "the big bang theory." i'm going to johnny gileckey's house and give him a sponge bath. >> stephen: agreement idea for another show. >> but in the "the great indoors" -- >> you play someone who works at
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a magazine. >> yes, works at a magazine. >> stephen: that is no longer a magazine. >> it has become a web site. now i have to work indoors. i come in from the wilderness. >> stephen: because you're an outdoorsman. >> and i have to deal with young people, and older person, stephen frey. the great british comedian. ( applause ) yeah. >> stephen: great guy. >> a really good guy. the opposite of bing crosby. >> stephen: and we have a clip here. >> we have a clip. this is from man with a plan. >> and good news. we just had our most retweeted online poll, best outdoor gear for the zombie apocalypse. >> yeah! can you guess the number one killing tool? >> remembering zombies don't exist. >> no, 10 spikes but we didn't give you enough time. >> yeah, tent spikes. you're so right, and so diverse. >> ah. ( laughter ). >> so good luck with your curating and pooping and genital
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photos. i'm going to see the guy who runs the real magazine. i'll think of you on my flight to pad goania. >> stephen: see. ( cheers and applause ) all right, sit down! now-- >> oh! >> stephen: you also have a book coming up on the. "joel mchale, thanks for the money." you advise people how to be joel mchale. >> it's my life story. you can use it to become the best joel mchale you can be. i know what you're saying-- thank god. so yeah. i always find celebrity autobiographies to be not that interesting. so-- and my life definitely is not. >> stephen: this is useful. >> this is useful because you take my life, but then it will help you, as opposed to just, like, some story. it will literally teach you how to become a celebrity, and take advantage of that. >> stephen: thank you. i need some help. >> oh, good. >> stephen: joel, thank you so
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much. >> stephen: joel mchale, everybody! "the great indoors" premieres this thursday on cbs. we'll be right back with abbi jacobson. we love you, bing. >> no, we don't. >> stephen: we love you, bing! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ting retrieval sequ. activating thrusters. target acquired. dang it! ah! come on! astronauts can vote from space. take a break from the election with red or blue tea. make time for snapple. (f♪ot steps) (crickets chirping) ♪ (jet engine) ♪ (heart beat) ♪ (water splashing)
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(rain drops) (engine revving) (tires on wet road) ♪ lease the exhilarating 2017 lincoln mkz for $349 a month only at your lincoln dealer. ♪ever since you touched my ♪i whand i knew♪ou, ♪i love you, i love you, i love you.♪ ♪where you go i'll follow, i'll follow, i'll follow.♪ ♪you'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,♪ ♪forever ♪ robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and i've been a republican all my life. but i'm the father of three girls. i can't stand hearing donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up
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proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. ♪ with another new flavor you never saw coming... grilled, glazed korean bbq shrimp. and try as much as you want of flavors like new parmesan peppercorn shrimp. just come in before it ends.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back, folks. my next guest is an artist, writer, and one-half of the hilarious duo behind "broad city." her new book is "carry this book." please welcome back to the show abbi jacobson. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> you, too.
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>> stephen: now-- do you feel like you want somebody with you? >> it feels weird. where's alana. >> stephen: last time you were here together during the d.n.c., and now we're only 13 days away from the election. how is your anxiety level doing? >> i feel like i'm positive. but i-- i'm happy the debates are over. i was very-- i was so angry. >> stephen: during the debates? >> yeah. wasn't everyone? ( applause ) yeah! >> stephen: i was pretty excited? >> you were. >> stephen: yeah, there were so many things to make jokes about. >> you're right. >> stephen: that's my bread and butter. it was harvest time. me and the boys and girls were out of the field with our scythes. >> we can bottle some stuff. >> stephen: you're a hip millennial, right? let me ask you this-- do you ever describe yourself as a millennial? >> no. >> stephen: then you are a millennial. >> oh! >> stephen: those are the only
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people who don't use that term. >> right, the only people that don't -- >> were you born before 1995 but after 1984. >> '84. >> stephen: demographers say you're a millennial. >> you just scared me. i was like, i hope i know the year. i knew it. >> stephen: the year you were born? >> well, this is -- >> you forget? >> i'm on the spot! i know it. i know it. >> stephen: most of the time. >> '84. okay. >> stephen: a great year. >> it was a great -- >> morning in america that year, reagan. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you remember reagan? have you heard stories about reagan? >> i mean, as a millennial, i remember bits and piece s. >> stephen: he was a nice man. >> right. >> stephen: he was a very nice man. he meant well. ( laughter ) he meant very well. now do you know anybody who is voting for trump? >> no. i don't think i know one person. >> stephen: i know a few? >> you do. >> stephen: i might be related to a few. they're nice people. they're nice people. nice people can vote for both people. >> i'm sure -- >> i hope they don't. >> i'm sure i do know people,
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but they wouldn't tell me, probably. >> stephen: i think there is a fair amount of that, don't want to tell you. >> yeah, which should say something. kind of, right. >> stephen: yeah kind of, yeah. secret ballot. >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, like voting for trump is like porn. ( laughter ) i don't want you to see my search history or vote history. >> i bet there's a lot of porn about trump. >> stephen: trump porn? >> i'm sure. >> stephen: fan fiction? >> i'm sure. if not, now there probably-- i'm giving free ideas. ( laughter ) >> stephen: don't do that. because you're in show business. you're in the idea business. now, you have-- you have a new book called... "carry this book." ( applause ). >> i love that that got a laugh. >> stephen:s and this i-- i did not know that you were an artist. it's a picture book, which is great, because that's my reading level. that's fantastic. and it's all things that you imagine people carry in their
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pockets, famous people. >> yeah, it's sort of my own fan fiction of different people, famous and really well-known fictional characters and what i think they might carry around with them. >> stephen: here's beyonce. what's she got in her book. >> hot sauce, obviously. she's got some-- i did all her apps. she's got some cheeros down here. she's got "the secret." >> stephen: what's hillary got in her bag? here's hillary right here. >> hillary, laeld gaga fan club metrocard, because she needs to practice, you know. takes a couple-- that swipe can be tough. you've got to get that rhythm. >> stephen: uh-huh... >> she's got hot sauce as well. everyone in the book doesn't have hot sauce. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and here's donald trump. what have we got here? >> donald. i had to-- ( laughter ) he's got the "building walls for dummies" book. he's got very, very large gloves for show. ( laughter ) he's got-- i had to really
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research how-- like, different self-tanning lotions. there's a lot. i wanted to include a lot more. and this is-- this is the-- maybe-- i think he really does like sees candy. and i'm sure sees candy will hate that i did that. >> stephen: you really should have tic taces in here. >> this is one of the first ones i did. >> stephen: before we knew what he was like. >> i would probably update trump daily, weekly. >> stephen: have you always been an artist? >> yeah, my-- i come from-- my family is really creative. my brother is a graphic designer. i grew up drawing. i went to art school. >> stephen: can i show you one thing i'm good at? i will show you one thing i'm good at. i can only draw one thing. >> wow, you have good stuff back there. these are my favorite mark glers are they really? >> i really should be sponsored by this company at this point. i'm just giving them -- >> okay, this is the only thing i know how to draw, okay?
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this is just really an erotic drawing. ( laughter ) you are really good. at this. yeah. obviously. i know this. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay? >> you're-- you're-- your line work is great. >> stephen: would you like this? >> can you sign it? >> stephen: i'll sign it, sure. >> yeah, oh, great. >> stephen: there you go. all for you, darling. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: thank you so much. >> great, look at that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "carry this book" is available everywhere books are sold. abbi jacobson, everybody. we'll be right back with jon glaser.
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robert kearney: i fought for my country in kosovo and iraq, and i've been a republican all my life. but i'm the father of three girls. i can't stand hearing donald trump call women pigs, dogs, and bimbos...and i sure don't want my daughters hearing it. i want my girls to grow up proud and strong, in a nation where they're valued and respected. donald trump's america is not the country i fought for. so, i'm voting for hillary clinton. hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. welcome back, folks.
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my next guest is a comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director whose new show is "jon glaser loves gear." please welcome jon glaser! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: good to see you again, man. >> good to see you gr always so nice, man. >> it's really great to be here. >> stephen: it's really great to have you. i'm a huge fan. we've known each other 20 years or something like that. >> a long time. >> stephen: one of the funniest guys i know. >> this is one of the greatest people out there. >> stephen: congratulations on the show. it's amazing. >> real quick. i wrote i book, too.
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>> stephen: what is it called? "my dead dad was in z.z. top." the real story of ilana glazer. >> it's a real book based on a fake true story. >> stephen: it's always available in stores? >> it was out a few years ago, but you can go on amazon and get a discounted copy. >> stephen: fantastic. suedable for framing. >> stephen: the show came out of your love of gear. >> yes. >> stephen: and every week you explore a new realm of gear? >> different topic, yes. >> stephen: what makes something gear and not just stuff? >> it's a very-- it's hard to describe and define. >> stephen: try. put some effort in. >> it's, you know, pick your-- pick the activity you love. >> stephen: i'll give you some things. you tell me if this is gear or whether this is just stuff. okay? >> okay. >> stephen: gear or gadget, how about that? >> a gadget is gear.
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>> stephen: is it really? >> i think so. >> stephen: gadget is a subcategory? >> yes, it falls under the umbrella-- gear is a big golf umbrella and it covers a lot of things. just made that up just now. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know what's gear? a golf umbrella. recouple bant bike. >> gear. >> stephen: whiskey stones? >> gear. >> stephen: those shoes that have the individual toes built in. >> eck! i mean, it's gear, but eck. >> stephen: apple watch? >> gear. >> stephen: automated vegetable peeler? >> gear. ( laughter ). >> stephen: t-shirt cannon. >> oh, gear, yeah. ( laughter ) i guess it's really not so much the definition. it's how you say the word. >> stephen: what cow mean? >> meaning like gear. geear. gear! >> stephen: what's the most gear you can say a word? >> yeah.
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geeeear! >> stephen. ( cheers and applause ) that got applause. fantastic. no. >> stephen: now, i know you're a nice guy. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know. from when i knew you. you may have changed since then. but you've played a lot of jerks. do you think you-- do you have experience with jerks yourself? have you ever met any people you model your jerk-dom on. >> i have had experience with a major jerk. >> stephen: who? >> can you say swear words on this show. >> stephen: sure. >> you can say a-hole with two "s"s in between. i met one of the biggest ( bleep ) in the world. it's not so much that i met him. i had a close encounter. >> stephen: who is this? >> donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> and it was a few years ago at a new york rangers hockey game. i was sitting in some really incredible seats where a lot of wealthy, famous people sit. i'm not one of those people. i was with a famous person, a friend of mine. >> stephen: you're a hockey
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fan. >> i loaf hockey. it's not who i was with. i'm not name dropping. it was will arnett. >> stephen: hold on. >> and we are walking to our seats and i can see in our row it's donald trump. we have to stand-- and first of all, you can see on his face, which is already miserable, that he just cannot believe he has to stand for another human being. and he's just so miserable. as we're approaching, i realize, oh, he's not only standing for us. he's holding this little teeny, soft serve ice cream cone. and he was holding it in such a non-normal way-- it's not like a normal person that would just stand and let you pass, "there you go, go ahead," and hold the ice cream so it doesn't get on you. he held it up here right in front of his face with this terrible look on his face. and i'm passing this close. and as i'm approaching him, like, every comedy instinct in me is telling me like, "pretend to trip and just throw the full weight of your body into him, and shove that ice cream into
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his face." because he was holding it right here. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: how long ago was this? >> three and a half years ago. >> stephen: he wasn't even running for president. >> he was holding the ice cream here. and it's one of those things that has haunted me because i feel like had i done that-- and i didn't-- but had i done that, i'm truly convinced that he would have dropped out of society. he would have become-- it would have become like-- it it would have been a gasp in the stadium. page six, then bigger news, then world news. he becomes paranoid. he feels like, "i'm vulnerable. this is going to inspire copy cats. i'm dropping out of society." and he doesn't run for president. now, here's the thing. i would have been killed. there's no doubt in my mind. he would have associated, "who is that lose wer will arnett? oh, he's a comcomedy guy. have him killed." pretty good trump. i would have been a hero to the world in retrospect because he
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wouldn't have been running for president ( applause ) as you pointed out, we wouldn't know that. >> stephen: no one would know what you did. >> none of us would be sitting here be maybe five of us. but all of our lives would have been different from that point on, because that would have been world news. >> stephen: can i ask a question about this entire story? >> yeah. >> stephen: were you wearing this? >> i was wearing this with a sport coat. you have to wear a sport coat in those seats. >> stephen: john, good to see you, man. and good to see the man. always the best. "jon glaser loves gear" airs wednesdays on trutv. jon glaser, everybody! we'll be right back. biden: this is what i know about katie mcginty - like me, she has pennsylvania working class roots, and she's never abandoned them. hard work. family. playing it straight. that's katie. and the ads attacking her? they're a bunch of malarkey. katie's career is about looking out for families like yours. creating jobs, keeping our environment safe. she's a wife, a mom, a basketball fan,
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a homework supervisor. she's like you and she'll fight for you in the united states senate. i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message.
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"late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mary-louise parker. pusha t, and musical guest, the record company. now stick around for james corden and his guests, ewan mcgregor and isla fisher. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from county court, ireland,


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