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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> on friday night, vice president elect mike pence went to see the musical "hamilton." the next day he saw "the lion king." ( applause ) >> stephen: we had a guest in the audience this evening. vice president elect mike pence. sir,, i have a message for you. we welcome you at the lion king. as scar, i want to say you being booed add "hamilton" does not represent all of broadway. you will always be welcomed here at the lion king because i believe, together, we can kill simba! hear me out! you will now have access to an army and nuclear weapons and we can kill the son of my brother mmufassa.
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you're probably thinking, whiebd i help you? scar is selfish and greedy and has a huge ego and hangs around with hid owes henchmen, and what's that weird thing on his head? so, yeah, we're going to get along great! >> it's "the late show" with stephen coper. tonight, stephen welcomes michael weatherly, carrie fisher and musical guests the pretenders. jon batiste and "stay human." now live from ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey!
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hey! sit down! thank you very much! welcome to the show! oh, my goodness. oh, my good mess. welcome to "the late show." i am happy to be your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ did everybody have a good weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i had a nice one, too. i'm pre-thanksgiving carboloading. just to work everything out. ( laughter ) i took the last couple of days off. nice, didn't do much, hung out with friends, made a pie. >> jon: what kind of pie. >> stephen: but, you know, had to work all weekend. >> jon: uh-huh. >> stephen: donald trump -- poor guy can't catch break. he didn't know being president was a full-time job. ( laughter ) first, he agreed to a $25 million settlement in the trump university fraud case.
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settlement, okay? ( audience booing ) settlement. so he didn't technically lose, he settled. just like how he didn't technically win the popular vote, america settled. ( applause ) see, trump was sued for fraud by students at his for-profit school, trump university. the fightin' payday loans! i don't know who the mascot is. i don't know who their mascot is. the fightin' grabbers! ( laughter ) yeah. yeah. >> jon: hey, hey! my man! hey! >> stephen: i didn't say what he was grabin', man! ( laughter ) one of the many allegations in this suit was that trump advertised he would personally hand-pick instructors and then under oath admitted he did not pick seminar leaders. but given his cabinet picks,
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maybe that's a good thing. even though he clearly said he never settles, trump doesn't see this as a loss. on saturday morning he tweeted, "i settled the trump university lawsuit for a small fraction of the potential award because as president i have to focus on our country." yes, a small fraction. trump paid $25 million of $40 million they were seeking. and $25 million is a small fraction of $40 million, if you learned math at trump university. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> jon: yeah, i got ya! >> stephen: with the lawsuit settled, the students of trump university have finally finished their educations. so i'd like to take a moment, to directly address the final graduating class at trump university.
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( organ music ) ( cheers and applause ) graduates of trump u, as you leave these hallowed hotel ballrooms to start your lives and then restart your educations at an actual school, you will be entering a troubled world. for example: donald trump is going to be president, but you are uniquely poised to take on that challenge because real world experience is the best teacher, and you've been conned by a master. the connections you've made here will last a lifetime. look to your left, and look to your right. those are the people you'll be splitting the settlement money with. and i hope that you will take the lessons of trump university with you. the future is what you make of it.
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also, never take business advice from a man who can't sell vodka and steaks. you know what everyone loves? booze and meat. so, go out there and be shining examples of trump university's timeless motto: "carpe crotch'em." that's my time! everybody take a diploma from the bin by the door! limit one per customer! please tip your waitress. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) do i have to get that? i'm not sure if i was supposed to give that away. do i have to give that back? okay. that's yours. no, you can keep it. there you go. congratulations. put it on! put it on! put it on! put it on! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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how proud his mother must be. ( laughter ) oh, and i have some good news, because donald trump may be coming to a town near you because he's planning a pre-inauguration "victory tour." yes, trump is taking his show on the road. it'll be like a rolling stones reunion tour, only with more old white people. although, there's some disagreement about what it's actually called. >> we're working on a victory tour now that will happen-- uh, when, kellyanne? in the next couple of weeks. >> it's called a "thank you tour". it's not a victory tour. it's a "thank you tour." >> a thank you tour. >> "thank america tour." >> stephen: yes, it's a thank you tour. it's a thank you tour -- just like the roman generals used to drag the conquered people behind them in their "thank you" parades. ( laughter ) ( applause ) then they would make them fight in the "you're welcome pit."
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( laughter ) but it's going to fun. pace yourself. it's four years. but this isn't a world tour or even a national tour because trump's thank you rallies will be held only in the states that trump won. now, trump won 30 states, so i assume he'll also be standing in front of our new flag. old partial glory. ( applause ) now, this is the exact opposite of what he said on election night. >> i pledge to every citizen of our land that i will be president for all americans. >> stephen: yes, trump is going to be president for "all" americans. from the shores of wyoming to the kentucky bay. ( laughter ) that's not an accurate map i just described. of course, the story that everyone is talking about is vice president-elect mike
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pence's went to see "hamilton." it's surprising since it's broadway, and pence believes that being on broadway is a choice that can be cured. ( applause ) it's pray away the broadway. i believe that's what it's called. ( laughter ) pence got booed when he took his seat and the cast had a message for pence during the curtain call: >> we, sir, we are the diverse america who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, our parents, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights, sir. but we truly hope this show has inspired you to uphold our american values, and to work on behalf of all of us. >> stephen: powerful. ( cheers and applause )
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super powerful. and i've been told that pence really absorbed the message of hamilton, and has pledged to help bring the country back to the 18th century. good luck. good luck. now, pence stayed and listened and afterwards said he wasn't offended. but donald trump was, tweeting "the theater must always be a safe and special place. the cast of hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, mike pence. apologize!" first of all, mr. trump, the only president who gets to complain about the theater is lincoln. ( cheers and applause ) second, i don't know where you got the idea that the theater is safe. i've seen cats-- you think you're safe, but then all the cat-people start coming off the stage and try to sit on your lap! and crawl up the walls!
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president trump-- build the fourth wall! ( applause ) and make andrew lloyd webber pay for it! after that, he tweeted, "the cast and producers of hamilton, which i hear is highly overrated..." okay, stop. now you've gone too far. you can pull out of nato, you can round up immigrants, but hamilton overrated? no! ( cheers and applause ) no! you can't say that! you can't say it's overrated! it's had a huge cultural impact. it's finally given old white people a way to enjoy rap! ( laughter ) and trump supporters rallied around his tweets, calling for a 'hamilton' boycott to defend mike pence. ( audience booing )
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okay, let me point out that you can't boycott something you can't get. you can't get into "hamilton," okay? that would be like hillary clinton boycotting the inaugural. she doesn't need to. ( laughter ) this whole drama was insane-- donald trump jumping in to defend his innocent vice president from theater bullies. this will go down in the history books. this is history now. >> jon: it's historic. it's absolutely historic. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: and future generations of americans will learn about it in the form of a hip-hop musical. that we are premiering right now: ( cheers and applause ) ♪ how does an orange, bully, son
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of a bitch and a con man grabbing (bleep) with gary busey, no taxes evident, grow up to be a hero and the president? well, the story of my reign starts on the great white way with a great white-haired veep who doesn't like the gay. i always thought the theater was a safe and special place, but when the vice president's in residence some thugs get in his face, cameras blazing, come right at him in their scary tights. blast him-- bang! -- with a request to protect their rights stabbing him with rudeness, the cast casting aspersions-- before pence can hit 'em back with some gay conversions. he got a lecture, got hectored in his tiny little seat. i won't let my veep go down like that. men, to the tweets! drop the toilet seat, drop the beat, thumbs so fast, disappearing like my balance sheets. gonna make the theater safe again and end the lies. watch this, i'm gonna tweet: "apologize." and... done. back to making america great. hannity, truckasaurus-- which of you wants secretary of state?
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( cheers and applause ) say hi to jon batiste and stay human. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: my goodness, i need to wet my whistle right there. i didn't know i was going to bring it so hard. ( laughter ) let me just check. i think i still have some of the makeup playing scar. hold on a second and i'm all good. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: want to take a break from talking about donald trump for a minute? a little pallet cleanser? let's co'do it.
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you guys play the google game "quick! draw!"? i played anyway, a local seattle -- it says, try to draw a bench and it guesses things, i see a sandwich, i see a book. but if you get close you have to to drawing the bench it goes, i know, a bench, and you get a point, and we're eventually teaching the computer how to take over the world, i think. i'm not sure. we're definitely teaching it something. i'm not sure what. or take over art school. i'm not sure what it's going to take it over. it's super fun, check it out. i'm not paid for this plug. but the reason i blow it up is a local seattle morning show was demonstrating the game friday and two of the anchors were there and they got the suggestion of cannon and it went a little awry. >> a cannon, a cannon! i don't know, i don't know! >> oh what do you do, what do you do?!
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there's no erasing is the thing! >> stephen: okay, if that's supposed to be a cannon. i guess my question is why did someone draw all those cannons on the bathroom stall in my high school? look, it's a perfectly understandable doodleoops. nobody should feel bad about that. so i want to help. i have a lot of experience drawing things on the air. let me show you how it's done. let me show you how to draw a cannon and get in trouble. it's reasonable cbs won't blur any of this? i'm sure it's going to be fine. okay, let's say the computer gives you the suggestion "cannon." i'm going to write "cannon" down here at the bottom so we know that's what i'm drawing and nothing else. here's one wheel. here's another wheel. we'll give it some spokes just to make sure everybody knows.
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( laughter ) then you got the barrel. you've got to do the barrel of the cannon. like that. so far we've still got a cannon. and obviously -- and we've got to put the cannonball right there. the cannonball is coming out in that direction. just about to leave. okay. then you will need a fuse at the bottom. all right? there it is, that's how you draw a cannon. ( applause ) do we have any idea if cbs will let me draw a cannon? there's a slight chance they won't let me draw the cannon, i'm being told. well, i tell you what, then tune in next time and i'll show you how to draw a penis. we'll be right back with michael morell! bush
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, folks. my first guest tonight is best known for his 13 seasons on ncis. he now stars as dr. jason bull on cbs's new "bull." welcome back, michael weatherly! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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you sit down first. you're the guest. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being here. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: thank you for rubbing your ass on my desk. so few of my guests -- >> there's no toilet paper in your dressing room and crissy heinz is causing a ruckus and carrie fisher is running around like a nut job. >> stephen: carrie fisher is here with her dog. >> it is so crazy there backstage. >> stephen: chesterfield king girls and their cigarette boxes and everything. >> everyone's trying on your triangle trump had. it's gone crazy back there. >> stephen: welcome back, bull. 15 million people, lo? them's is ratings. >> i probably could have better think b at it. denoseo for 13 years people yelled the denoseo! which is fine, but when people in traffic randomly go, "bull"!
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( laughter ) i mean, i didn't anticipate it would feel like an accusation, my name. >> stephen: well, there's passion behind it. >> yeah, "bull"! yeah, that's me, thank you. >> stephen: the show itself, the premise is you're somebody who helps your psychologist put together juriys, right? >> you're going to try to explain the show? >> stephen: we'll take it away for me in a moment. you help to put together juries for lawyers? >> yes. >> stephen: in the service of justice or -- >> we live in interesting times. certain moral ambiguities are fascinating. so on the show "bull"! ( laughter ) what we do is we try to figure out, when you're doing a -- selecting a jury, we try to figure out why does a person have a certain set of beliefs that another person, say, has a
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counter, contrary set of beliefs and, boy, how do we get those two people to have the same person that they vote for? >> stephen: dr. phil started his career doing this. >> he had a company called c.s.i. before there was a show c.s.i. and he looked into court sciences, and that's really a remarkable thing. like the o.j. trial happened about 20-something years ago, but then they did the documentary last summer and it was fascinating. you look how the jury was selected and rather than santa monica they were in downtown los angeles and how that affected the outcome of the trial. >> stephen: so is your character's goal to have just as effective justice as was in evidence in the o.j. trial? ( laughter ) in other words, does it matter to your character -- does it matter to the show whether the person is innocent or not or just if you win?
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>> yes, of course. what we're really doing is we're helping people who can't help themselves and who need that extra leg up when the law gets tricky. >> stephen: and your character does it for free? >> sometimes. >> stephen: well, obviously, he doesn't need the money, he's got a tv show. >> yeah! >> stephen: he's dr. phil. he's dr. phil! ( laughter ) >> stephen: does the final episode end up with you being bald an on an episode? the superhero that is dr. phil. mm-hmm. bitten by a radioactive oprah and -- ( laughter ) >> you've just blown my mind! >> stephen: yeah. we've got a clip here. this is a clip of you doing what bull does, man. jim? >> we move to strike this juror. don't smile. you can't smile.
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you didn't just win the lottery, you struck a juror. you give anything away, the prosecution are catch on. so just show me. but don't look nervous. show me your neutral face. that's more sad clown. we'll work on this. don't think about it. >> oh, boy. ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm just trying to help the people. >> stephen: trying to help people. well, you know it's a good show because it seems to have the most screens per cast member of any show. why are there so many screens? why are there so many screens in arehead screens cheaper than sheetrock now? ( laughter ) >> here's what happens, somebody must have done some focus testing at some point and they deduced screens people like, right? >> stephen: excellent. i heard if you put maps on a screen, people really like it. look at that! see? they like it. >> stephen: that's not a map. it's not? >> stephen: that's a photograph. that's a photograph of central
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park. >> oh, gosh! i'm sorry. >> stephen: remind me never to go camping with you. ( laughter ) one of your cast members, christopher jackson, was the original george washington in "hamilton." >> oh, yes ( applause ) >> stephen: have you talked to him at all about his reaction to this mike pence "hamilton" thing? >> yeah, i talked to chris last night and we worked early this morning. it was about 28 degrees with the wind chill factor. so we had a very cold conversation about it. so i was totally weird, the mike pence thing? he's like, yeah, its a little weird but it's freedom and you're supposed to be able to say what you think and the theater is a safe place but it's also the safe place to say what you think, can question go get in the car now and get warm? >> stephen: that's how good of an actor you are. ( applause ) michael weatherly, good to see you. "bull" airs tuesdays at 9:00 on
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cbs! we'll be back with carrie fisher! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) hey, need fast try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes.
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because when you limit the tests, they can test the limits... of their potential. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ it gonna be a bright, bright ♪ sun shiny day ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you, jon! thank you so much! well, folks, i've gotten word, i asked what's going to happen. i've gotten word about the cannon. it's true. i have been told that cbs is going to blur just the -- ( laughter ) -- just what i will for this moment call the tip of the cannon. ( laughter ) but, after all, the tip is the most sensitive part of the
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cannon. anyway, now we know. now we know. ( applause ) folks, my next guest is an actress, author and, as you will soon see, a dog lover. please welcome carrie fisher! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome. ( cheering ) >> stephen: you can leave them on. >> i can't see anything. i don't want anyone to recognize me. >> stephen: it's very jackie
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o. >> is it? i'm often confused for jackie o., or confused about jackie o. >> stephen: who is this? gary. he's french. >> stephen: okay. and you've rubbed your hand with a-1 steak sauce before coming out here? >> i'm not going to tell you what i did with my hand. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right. have i met gary before is this you and i met at a benefit in los angeles -- >> i was bad at it. >> stephen: no, you have been deeply offensive to irish people but not bad at it. >> alcoholic irish people. >> stephen: i apologize. and you looked great in a beard and i told you you could get so laid for having that beard. >> stephen: and i said -- see me after class. >> yes. >> stephen: was that gary i met there? >> that was gary. >> stephen: hi, gary.
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how are ya? all right. >> he's a little nervous. this is his first late night. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, you've got a new book. ( laughter ) gary, i know the feeling. now, you got a new book here which you wrote with gary. it's called "the princess diarist," and these are your diaries from when you were shooting "star wars" back in the day. >> that's right. >> stephen: wow, thank you for sharing this with us. ( cheers and applause ) in the book, you reveal that, when you were shooting "star wars," you and harrison ford had an affair. >> that's -- no! >> stephen: i'm just as shocked as you are. ( laughter ) why now? why tell us now? >> well, i would probably get early onset alzheimer's and forget and then you would never
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know. >> stephen: okay. no, i found the diaries and decided to publish them and it was a mistake. >> stephen: it was a mistake, really? >> no, but it is too big of a story that i can't handle. >> stephen: even though it's your story. >> it's my story. >> stephen: can you not handle it or can harrison ford not handle it? >> i'm sure he can't handle it at all. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i you were young. it was your life, too. >> it was 40 years ago. if i would have waited 50, i would have looked worse. >> stephen: you looked fantastic. >> so it was the right time. >> stephen: serious stuff? the affair? >> there's a lot of sexual details. >> stephen: is any of this action like that, like the serious stuff like that? is it any of this action? >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it is? the eye on cannon will fire several blasts.
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>> stephen: it rings a bell. okay. okay. were you asked -- were you asked to physically transform at all as princess leia? i heard they asked you to lose weight. >> they did. they always do. they want to hire part of me, not all of me. so they want to hire about three-fourths. >> stephen: uh-huh. o i have to get rid of the fourth somehow. >> stephen: for the first movie or the blonde -- >> i made a joke, the fourth can't be with me. i made it just for you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so is this before the first movie or is this before the bronze bikini second movie. >> no, bronze bikini, i was solid. >> stephen: i noticed. a lot of people noticed. >> stephen: where did you go? how did you -- >> no, the first movie, i had -- well i guess you would still call it baby fat.
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i would like the call it that but it was probably just fat. ( laughter ) so i went to a fat farm where they harvest fat, and i was there with lady bird johnson and ann landers, who were my peers at the time. >> stephen: what?! yes, they were there, also. >> stephen: were they nice to you? >> well, lady bird couldn't figure out o the name of the moe i was in and was thinking it was "car wash" and was looking forward to it. >> stephen: i just can't wait to seeing that car r "car wash" movie! >> yes. and ann landers had a lot of advice which i obviously didn't take. >> stephen: let me say about the character of princess leia. she has the force, why doesn't she get a light caber? >> you know, it's the whole women -- it's a bad thing for women. even in space, women are -- you know, there is a double standard with the force, even with the
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force. >> stephen: the only force she ever uses is this -- something's wrong. she does that. ( laughter ) you can do it better than i can. >> i sense my twin is somewhere and i better hide the cookies ( laughter ) >> stephen: why do you have to comfort luke when one guy dies, ben kenobi, but your whole planet has exploded and no one's comforting you. >> that's right! i'm still upset about that! >> stephen: have you addressed this before? >> not just my planet. my mother, my stepfather, as i found out later, my record collection, all my clothes, so i have to wear that white dress all the time -- >> stephen: gary? exactly. well, i had -- yeah. so it was very sad for me. >> stephen: well, we're going to take a little commercial break here. we'll be right back with more
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serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, folks! we're back here with carrie fisher and her companion gary. ( laughter ) so we were talking before break -- ( laughter ) we were talking before the break -- gary and i were talking -- ( laughter ) -- so you wanted to have a lightsaber. if you had a lightsaber, what color would your lightsaber be
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is this. >> purple. >> stephen: purple? yes. >> stephen: so you and mace windu both have the purple lifee sabers. >> that's in the book, too. >> stephen: we had the harrison ford revelation and what it was like on the set every day and the things they made you do. but there are so many other revelations that you couldn't fit into the book. there is a whole other book of other revelations you had from the set of "star wars." >> the spillover. >> stephen: so i was wondering if we could take a moment to reveal to people the other revelations. >> absolutely, thing deserve it. >> stephen: just to be clear to everybody, this is carrie fisher ic's" other "star wars" revelations. ( cheers and applause ) >> yoyou know, we had a lot of pranks on the set and one time
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we set off mark hammel's hand, and they decided to keep that in the movie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: turns out, it took peter mahu nine hours to grow out all that chewbacca hair. >> and john williams actually had the to add all that music to the movie to cover up the fact that i was constantly humming kung fu fighting. ( laughter ) >> stephen: they couldn't afford to have fancy specific effects durin during the first e so the actors had to move things with their minds. ( laughter ) >> mark hammel actually did this weird thing where he made people smell his lightsaber and guess where it had been. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i heard that one. i heard that one. yeah. >> and you know who had actually the most sex out of the whole cast, the ewoks.
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they screwed like rabbits. ( laughter ) it's true. their trailer had to be hosed out twice a day. disgusting. >> stephen: the original line was, luke, it's me, your pappy. ( laughter ) >> yoda was real. and delicious. >> stephen: carrie fisher, everybody! thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) "the princess diarist" is available tomorrow! the great carrie fisher! and gary! we'll be right back with a performance by the pretenders! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ irgh. no wonder it has the world's number one selling blades. mach3, now as low as ten bucks. gillette.
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we live in a pick and choose world. love or like? naughty or nice? calm or bright? but at bedtime why settle for this? enter sleep number. don't miss the ultimate sleep number week, going on now. sleepiq technology tells you how you slept and what adjustments you can make. she likes the bed soft. he's more hardcore. so your sleep goes from good to great to wow! give the gift of amazing sleep. only at a sleep number store, right now save 50% on the ultimate limited edition bed. hurry, ends soon! learn more at sleepnumber.com know better sleep with sleep number. >> stephen: here performing holy comotion with special guest dan arbach, please welcome special guests the pretenders. ♪ ♪
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♪ a mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just ♪ want, i want, i want, to see your face i just want, i want, i ♪ want to change your place lift your bill ♪ ♪ ♪ a mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just ♪ want, i want, i want to lead the blind i just want, i want, i ♪ want
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to free your mind come on baby ♪ a mass of devotion and a holy commotion i just ♪ want, i want, i want to see the light ♪ i just want, i want, i want to dance all night oh be my baby ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ when the walls come tumbling down and the love drags all ♪ around and the dogs of war come around no more no more rape ♪ or torture or mutilation one love one way one humanity one
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♪ way one love one humanity ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their new album "alone" available now! the pretenders, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ with simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. and there's no minimum balance. you're alright with simply right checking from santander bank. ♪ are you feeling alright, baby? ♪
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we could keep doing all the things we love. prudential. bring your challenges. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be james marsden and john waters! stick around for james corden and his guests ann kendrick,
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billy eichner and kurt braunohler! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight ♪ don't you worry. ♪ it will be all right. ♪ it's the "late, late show." ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the

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