tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 1, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EST
sleep captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: what? cbs wants me to promote what? a victoria's secret fashion show? look, with all that's going on in the nation right now, i just don't know if i have the time. i don't know if it's appropriate. look, you don't have to tell me, victoria's secret makes a variety of quality products. i'm wearing a spangly thong right now. ( laughter ) look, i don't want to fight. i'll get back to you. what do i do? i've never been so torn! stephen! hello? >> stephen: adrienne, are you here to help me with my dilemma? >> yes, promote my show. >> stephen: i just don't know. it's easy. all you have to do is say watch
victoria secret's fashion show on cbs december 5. >> do it, stephen! >> stephen: does this only work if you two take opposite sides? >> what is it? look, i'll take whatever you've got. why don't we grab a bite to eat? ( ding ) >> stephen: wow, you blew that one, old man! >> announcer: it is "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes lauren graham and justin long. live from tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
>> stephen: hey! yeah! hey! how's it going? ( cheers and applause ) whoo! please! please! have a seat, everybody. thank you so much for being here. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. how's everyone doing? ( cheers and applause ) that is good to hear. that is good to hear. like america, i continue to exist. and with roughly seven weeks until he takes office, president-elect donald trump still has a few things he's researching. needs to figure out, like, "what does a president do?" and now we know he knows it's not going to be that easy because trump surrogate and flesh snowman, newt gingrich, recently told "usa today" that he talked to trump about his new responsibilities as president, and, according to gingrich, trump said, "this is really a bigger job than i thought."
what do you know? being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment. and we should've seen this coming because, a few weeks ago, when trump met with president obama for his first white house tour, trump was unfamiliar with the scope of the president's job, and his aides were apparently unaware that the entire staff of the west wing would need to be replaced. "hey, white house staffers? i know you were kind of attached to the old guy, but them's the breaks. i'm really excited to get to know everyone! first order of business: destroy everything you believe in. go, team!" okay? keep it light! don't cry! ( applause ) and this is just happening now. right now, donald trump is in
indiana announcing his deal to save 1,000 american jobs that the carrier air conditioner company was going to move to mexico. he talked about saving those jobs throughout the election, and he did it. so, trump is keeping his campaign promises. congrats to all the factory workers, unless any of you are muslims, mexicans or women, because he's going to keep those promises, too. ( applause ) >> jon: oh, hey! whoa! >> stephen: and we're getting a sense now of how trump is going to handle foreign policy because, yesterday, the prime minister of pakistan called trump, and, according to pakistani officials, our president-elect gushed, saying, "you are a terrific guy. you are doing amazing work which is visible in every way. i am looking forward to see you soon. as i am talking to you, prime minister, i feel i am talking to a person i have known for long. your country is amazing with tremendous opportunities. pakistanis are one of the most intelligent people. i would love to come to a fantastic country, fantastic
place of fantastic people." ( applause ) now, since this was released by pakistan, we don't know if these were his exact words, but it sure does sound like trump. "it's a fantastic country, fantastic place of fantastic people. home of the fantastic four's. mr. fantastic, full of fantastic beasts and where to find them." okay -- okay -- okay, bye. ( applause ) trump closed the phone call by showing off some of his extensive international experience, saying, "please convey to the pakistani people that they are amazing, and all pakistanis i have known are exceptional people." that's not diplomacy, that's your grandfather basing his entire foreign policy on that one guy he met. "hey, mr. prime minister, do you know tariq? lives in queens. heck of a guy.
makes amazing shwarma." the best. ( laughter ) normally, presidents don't say stuff like that because all that praise of pakistan might upset our other ally, and pakistan's sworn enemy, india, and both sides have that nuclear boom-boom-pow. trump's negotiation strategy seems to be telling both rivals they're his best friend. we are in a new era of teenaged girl diplomacy. "pakistan, i love you. you're, like, so smart." you are, like, so, so smart. so smart, pakistan. "india? you're totally my bestie. don't tell pakistan. they're so stupid." ( laughter ) >> do you know tareq? he's so cute.
his cooking is amazing. seems like every day there is another story about trump's tweets. it's how he's going to comfort us in hard times, his toilet side chats. the good news is, you don't have to read his tweets. you can unfollow twump -- ha, ha, ha -- ( applause ) ( piano riff ) by the way, i am not above taking pity applause. ( laughter ) ehe's dwoingtd dwain the swamp, mr. twamp. ( laughter ) you can unfollow trump, delee twitter, go out into the world and live your life. the bad news is, starting january 20, donald trump can
send unblockable mass text messages to the entire nation. >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: yes! the text is coming from inside the white house! get out of there! yes, president trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. the only person i would trust less with this technology is anthony weiner. ( laughter ) here's the deal -- ( applause ) here's ow the whole thing works. these are called wireless emergency alerts, or w.e.a.s. it's the same system that sends out warnings if there's an impending disaster, like donald trump being able to text all of america. now, you're saying, "i'll just block those texts." not so fast. thanks to the congressional warn act of 2006, participating carriers may allow subscribers to block all but presidential alerts. yes, feel free to block alerts about floods and missing persons, but if trump wants you to know how he feels about the cast of "hamilton," you will listen!
>> jon: oh! oh! ( laughter ) >> stephen: twump! ( applause ) it's friendlier to say twump! mr. twump, please don't throw me in jail! please, mr. twump! ♪ ♪ please, please don't tap my phone, pretty please, mr. twump! ( laughter ) this system has been in place for a while, but, so far, no president has used it. in his eight years in office, president barack obama has never ordered text sent via the wireless emergency alert system. which, now that i know he could have, kind of hurts. ( laughter ) at least on election day, he could have sent a quick, "u up?" i was. i have not slept since election day. you know scientists?
>> jon: yeah, they're knowledgeable. >> stephen: hey, i'm going to miss them, and the studies they do. ( laughter ) one recent study found that owning a cat could make you more into bondage, whereas owning a dog could make you more into "doing it" while a stranger sits in the corner and occasionally barks when he thinks you're hurting each other. ( laughter ) i do feel sorry for dogs. they're trying so desperately to be understood. "stop, stop. i know what you're doing. i'm right here." ( laughter ) the study found that toxoplasmosis, which is a parasitic disease you can catch from your cat's feces, is linked to sexual arousal by fear, violence and danger in humans. so, if you're a cat owner who's ever had the urge to have sex in a tray full of dirt, now you know why. the study also found that after the bondage sex, cat owners are much more likely to present
>> stephen: jon, do you ever go out and -- like on a show night, do you ever go out on a school night after the show? >> yes. >> stephen: because you're a jazz man. you're a night crawler, right? you have to live at night. >> night crawler like the xmen -- no. sometimes i'll go and write music because i get inspired because i won't know it's coming and i will have to write it down immediately so i will be up all night writing music. i try not to go out and play because i want to give all my energy to the people, you know. >> stephen: i understand. that's great. i do, too. i want to do the same thing. last night, i actually went out with friends drinking till about midnight. >> jon: oh, yeah? >> stephen: i did not realize i was going to do this till i was with them, we had good conversation and i looked at my watch and said, lord, have mercy, they really pour a stiff drink at this place, and i'm just saying i can't go out on a school night because i end up
saying things like twump! that's exactly where that came from! >> jon: well, it's endearing. >> stephen: indearing? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: endearing, pity, very fine line. ( laughter ) anyway, happy to be with everybody here. you guys like fortune cookies? ( audience yells yes ) me, too. it's a guilt-free dessert because you have no desire to eat the cookie. i like any food that gives you a fun message, like when popsicle sticks have jokes on them or when alphabet soup accidentally says "boobs." frankly, i wish there were more foods that you could open up and get a nice message. we need some happy news, right? we need some good news all the time to make us feel better. why does pt food provide that for us? well, guess now -- guess
twump -- ( laughter ) guess what? now there is food that does that. it's time for "the late show's good news bananas!" ( cheers and applause ) okay. everybody knows how "good news bananas" works. i don't have to explain this to you, but i will. this is banana man. ( cheers and applause ) okay. he's part of a breeding experiment. he's half man, half banana -- >> a manana! >> stephen: and each of the bananas he has on the try contains a message, like a fortune cookie, w except they're all good news. for instance, my good news banana has a slip of paper
inside that says, "good news! if you meet that gorilla who knows sign language, you have something in common to talk about." ( laughter ) okay? so that's good news. didn't know that. come with me, manana. anyone out here who needs good news? ( cheers and applause ) ( piano playing ally cat ) your name? >> serena. >> stephen: where are you from is that. >> wayne, new jersey. >> stephen: that's where fountains of wayne band got its name from the company called fountains of wayne. >> i did know that. >> stephen: is there anything else we should know about wayne, new jersey? >> i think tom cruise went to a middle school in wayne, new jersey. >> stephen: can we check on that? because you don't seem that certain. if tom cruise went to a middle school in my town, i would know
because he's tom cruise. are you a fan of mr. cruise's? >> yeah. >> stephen: that level of response just broke tom cruise's heart. he felt that. would you like good news? >> i would. >> stephen: you pick. i don't want to lead your banana. you're opening it from that end. >> you're supposed to. >> stephen: really? open it from that end? >> so you can hold it like this. >> stephen: i always open it from the other end. how many people open it from the end she just opened it on? you're all liars! ( laughter ) open it up, we'll see if you're right. any good news on that end of the banana? >> i do not. >> stephen: i see no good news! you just turned that into a bad news banana. ( laughter ) keep going. keep going. see now you've got nowhere to hold -- there it is. okay, so read your good news. >> good news!
you woke up today. or at least are having a very weird dream about bananas." >> stephen: congratulations. enjoy your banana. ♪ ( playing ally cat ) >> stephen: what's your name? ken johnson. >> stephen: where are you from? >> mannedville, louisiana. >> stephen: northern or southern louisiana? >> southern, north of louisiana. >> stephen: john, do you know mannedville? >> yeah, i know ma mandeville. >> stephen: any connection to tom cruise? does that check out? >> jon: yes, it does. >> stephen: do you need good news? >> yes. >> stephen: would you like a banana. choose wisely. what! that's crazy. did you pick the right banana? >> i think so. >> stephen: no, wait, i think you -- ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> "good news! you're just two bananas away from being able to make banana bread. go make two friends!" >> stephen: go forth and make two friends. congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano playing ally cat ) >> stephen: what's your name? kate. >> stephen: where are you from? >> new hampshire. >> stephen: what are you going in new york city? >> visiting on my daughter's break. >> stephen: where's your daughter? hi. nice to meet you. where in new hampshire? >> newton, new hampshire. >> stephen: did you meet every presidential candidate? >> on the blue side, yes. >> stephen: on the blue side. yes, i did. ( applause ) >> stephen: how are you feeling, kate? >> i need good news immediately. >> stephen: all right, great. would you like it in banana form? >> if that's all that's available. >available.
>> stephen: so choose. only two bananas left. >> okay. >> stephen: all right, see what we've got here. >> i'm going to wake up and i'm actually in a dream. >> stephen: no. there it is. >> oh, it's in the banana. >> stephen: yeah, we have the technology. >> huh-oh. >> stephen: what you have got there? >> "good news! if you want, you can leave m -- good news, if you have a deadly banana allergy, all your problems will soon be over. ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations! that's it for the "late show"'s goo"good news bananas"! we'll be right back with lauren graham! ( ally cat playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) my first guest is a golden globe-nominated actress and author known for her roles on "gilmore girls," "parenthood" and "gilmore girls." >> let's get peruvian papas and -- >> and head straight for the stomach pump. >> i have to leave in half an hour. >> i can't leave. have a plane to catch. who's going to get back to the diner? >> i can watch her but you have to be back in 45 minutes to relieve me. >> i have been successfully eating by myself five and six years. gypsy can watch me. >> that'll work. >> stephen: please welcome the lovely lauren graham! ♪ ( cheers and applause )
>> thank you! how are ya? >> stephen: nice to see ya! i don't know what we're doing. >> audience: we love you, lauren! ( cheers and applause ) >> wow! >> stephen: they stole my line. ( laughter ) i was going to wait to talk about "gilmore girls" but i can't. i want to thank you for my last saturday. we had a couple days off for thanksgiving. saturday, we didn't get out of our pajamas. we got up in the morning and kept making pots of coffee and eating pancakes and watched the entire new season of "gilmore girls" in one day. i would live in star's hollow
tomorrow. >> wouldn't we all. >> stephen: where is that? halfway between new haven and our imagination. >> stephen: well, not only do you have the series but you have a book i get to in just a moment called "talking as fast as i can." one of the things i learned is you were born in hawaii, which i did not know -- you don't strike me as hawaiian -- but you lived part of your childhood in japan. how did you get there? >> my mom was a missionary kid, and her parents were there working, my dad went to vietnam for a year so i lived with my mom in toke. >> did you return any japanese? i have been told my first word was hesso. >> stephen: which means? belly button. >> stephen: wow! that's nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: anything else stick or is it just hesso? >> i don't know what else you
would need. i mean, i love japanese food and culture. >> stephen: have you been back as an adult? >> yes, several times. it's an incredible place to visit. i can speak one word to them. >> stephen: i wouldn't order that at a restaurant, if i were you. well, okay, so when you went back to do the new "gilmore girls," the "gilmore women "-- ( laughter ) -- nine years ago when the first series ended did you ever think you would do something that would come back to be watched on people's snoans. >> you hurt me. >> stephen: it's true, i can watch it on my apple watch. >> no, no! >> stephen: i know the production designers would go crazy to hear that. >> all of us. i think they just released the ability to do that. i think they were trying to
somehow make people watch it on a big screen. especially these episodes. they're longer, more cinematic in scope and they're so beautiful. watch them on something bigger than a pop tart, people. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's hard to get the wide screen tv into the bathroom with you when you're watching it. that's where people watch tv. >> what a lovely image. i'm in everyone's bathroom. >> stephen: when you went back, it was very emotional for my kids to, you know, see the show again. >> yeah. >> stephen: like, we were not allowed to talk, shut up, watching "gilmore girls." ( laughter ) was it emotion fortunately you to get back into lorelai? >> it was so emotional for many reasons, but one was you hardly get a chance in any moment in life to appreciate the moment while you're in it and the fact that it was sort of the people who brought us back and we got to finish a story that we hadn't
gotten to finish, and this character i love so much, and i was just walking around in some sort of -- i was just like, you, and, stephen, you're here, and thank you so much for being here! i was just a freak. i had so much appreciation. it's actually very overwhelming. i'm not a person who cries very easily. i cried almost every day. >> stephen: but you're an actress. don't you have to be able to cry very easily? >> no, i mean. >> audience: guess at times, but myself, you know, you crying is a different thing >> stephen: one of the things people have been complaining about, is it just me or is the way they hold their coffee cups in the first episode of "gilmore
girls" super annoying because they're empty and physics. there has been a bit of online complaining that at luke's you guys drink a lot of coffee but people online say clearly the coffee cups never have anything in them. >> i want to tell you one thing, it is a true thing -- >> stephen: yes -- -- there is always coffee in my cup. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that sounds like a metaphor. ( laughter ) so there really is coffee in the cup? >> always. that is a pet peeve of mine. i didn't look at the picture enough to see what's so annoying about it. ( laughter ) by the way, i'm still enjoying -- >> i'm holding it. i'm looking at snow, i'm drinking it. >> stephen: i believe you. i'm on your side.
>> no, that's a pet peeve of mine, too. when you see somebody carrying luggage and they're swinging it over. so, no. >> stephen: we're going to get our fingers around this. >> i love the controversies cropping up. >> we've got to be angry about something. >> i know. >> stephen: back with more lauren graham. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ that's your underwearstrong, dude.cleaner. so clean...keeps
♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with the lovely and talented lauren graham, author of the new book "talking as fast as i can." okay. why talk as fast as you can? >> i guess that's sort of what the show is known for. >> stephen: absolutely. yeah. >> stephen: right, that's the pattern. >> yeah. >> stephen: lots of it. do you get all the movie references that get made in "gilmore girls"? >> i get most of them.
some of the real pop culture ones, like, they know every lifetime movie front to back, and i don't know those as well, but most of them. >> stephen: mm-hmm. why does luke still wear his hat backwards? and why would he shave? he's got to be, like, 60! it's time for him to grow up and turn his cap around! ( laughter ) >> i don't know. you know, i think you don't want to change what was working already. >> stephen: i guess not. let's just put a brim on both ends ( laughter ) now, you are -- we're of similar ages. you are younger than i but we're similar ages. >> i love how delicately you tried to approach that. you're like you're, uh -- and, uh -- >> stephen:. >> stephen: i was just going to say those who are younger
than us say you are -- are you down with the texting and tweeting? it's a different kind of writing. >> i wrote a novel before this and everyone at the publishing house is you're an actor who wrote a novel. no one will understand it unless you take to some other venue to explain it. no, i'm not into the dog faces and the guy you chase into the subway platform, i don't know. >> stephen: as a writer, do you ever give advice to the younger actors or actresses about do or do not do this on social media? because again people from our generation did not have to worry about putting things online that were inappropriate. >> on parenthood, in particularly. on "gilmore girls" we were close in age. on parenthood, my kids were young enough to be my kids but they thought i was kind of school. >> stephen: because you're lorelai. >> whatever. ( laughter ) but i catch myself giving them real parenting advice sometimes
and i was afraid of losing my cool or something, so i created a character called old lady jackson so that i could -- >> stephen: when you were talking to them, you would go into character? >> no, no. i would say, like -- i don't mean to sound like old lady jackson here, like, you know, some person who's not cool, but maybe you don't want to tweet that picture of you in your underwear. i think it's fine, you know, but she hates it. i just separated these two different people and i think i fooled them. >> stephen: that's cool. i'm totally on your side. ( laughter ) do you have an inspiration? do you haven author? you say you've written a novel and now a memoir, do you have an author or someone who inspires you? >> what gave me the idea were carrie fisher's books. she's such a writer of comedic books and also an actor and she has her own non-fiction book.
>> stephen: a really unique personality. >> a unique person. >> stephen: yeah. and in my first book, woirkd with diane keaton for a short time. i was in the middle of telling her some story and she said, you know, you should write a book, which probably just meant "shut up, now. but it kind of just gave me the thought. it's, like, just put it down on paper. i've had enough. no, but she was very inspiring to me. it was the simple thing of someone i looked up to giving me the permission to imagine doing something like that. >> stephen: wow. i can't wait to meet someone like that. >> oh. stephen, what kind of inspiration do you need? maybe i could give it to you. >> stephen: oh. how do i live my dreams in a small town, raising a child by myself? >> stephen, you rely on family and community and money from your parents. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm all for it! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: "talking as fast
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest has starred in everything from "galaxy quest" to "he's just not that into you." please welcome justin long! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: now, i'm glad you're here, but i was just shaking your hand and talking kind of close to you and i just remember my producer told me
before you walked out that you are sick. >> i thought about not shaking hands. >> stephen: you can do the roman handshake. my dad was an immunologist. you do that and your hand only touches forearm to forearm. as long as you haven't done anything untoward with your forearm, we're all good. >> i did think about doing that. a chest bump would have been weird. hey, what's up?! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ow! how frail am i? i think you just collapsed a rib! you're too sick and i'm too old! >> i was at home depot recently. >> stephen: home depot? for a home project? >> that has nothing to do with
the story. >> stephen: you really hooked me with the home depot part of the story. >> i tried to remove a couch from my parent's family room. >> stephen: you don't have to do that at home depot. did you get dynamite? >> i was shoving it in a way that it chipped a paint on the side -- this is boring to you as a story. >> stephen: your parents said what are you going to do about that. >> yeah, so i had to sand it down and paint over it. so i was buying paint at home dope o. i should have never mentioned home depot. they're getting all this free advertising. so home depot -- >> stephen: i love the story. you're at home depot. where is the story going to go? >> i got a great deal on paint. you was just going to say that. is this yours? >> stephen: no. i'm fine to share. >> stephen: i don't think we can. >> so the lady said, oh, you're the guy in the thing.
let me shake your hand. i extend herd the courty that i didn't extend you. i told her, i can't shake your hand, i think i'm getting sick. she said, that's okay, i'm sick. she turned it around and made it like i was the weird one for not wanting to shake. >> stephen: she thinks if she's sick you cancel each other out? >> when she offered her hand, i was the one who said we should don't this, we should chest bump is that you shouldn't do that either. don't go out in public. don't help your parents is the lesson there. >> that's my takeaway. >> stephen: you've done a lot of movies. people know you from the apple commercials. one of your movies, "galaxy quest," is called a classic. do you know who's going to come up to you when you see them?
can you tell which one of the fan bases the people will be? >> usually, i have a sense. but occasionally the people will throw me off. there's a guy a couple of years ago, this massive guy, a bouncer outside a bar, tattoos everywhere. a is samoan, i think. big hands. i was at the home depot -- ( laughter ) -- and he said, you're the guy in that movie. and i did die hard, which is a tough guy movie and i thought he was going to say that, and he said, and i almost said it for him, and he said, he said, "he ain't feeling you no more." it took me a second, and i said, "he's just not that into you," a movie i did. and he said, yeah, "he ain't feeling you no more."
i said, i got it wrong. ( applause ) >> stephen: you you're in "frank & lola" which has been described as a psychosexual noir love story about love, sex, betrayal, and ultimately the search for redemption. >> i couldn't have said it better. >> stephen: you play a low life? >> i do. >> stephen: what's a swooper? a swooper is a guy that kind of -- he's a guy that senses some sort of -- that there's a problem in a relationship and he just swoops in. he's one of the guys that i knew -- and when i first went to l.a., i met kids who had grown up there and i met this type of guy who had come of age in the '80s and '90s when hip-hop were becoming a thing and they were like rich white kids and they had a hip-hop way of
talking. and that's the way the guy is. he's charming and friendly but a swooper. >> stephen: we have a clip here of you and you're swooping in on michael shannon's girl. >> yes. >> stephen: not a good idea. no. sorry, was i interrupting something? you guys know each other? >> my boyfriend, frank riley. frank, keith. >> shut up, you have a boyfriendhand he cooks like this? this guy's amazing! frank, what are you doing here? >> excuse me? you need your own restaurant. eah, that would be cool. it would. that's an understatement. >> frank has his ways. he's just in between restaurants at the moment. >> not for long because i'm going to check around. you know how vegas is. the huge casino joints open and close. you really have to stay on top of it. i'll just get your information from lola and i'll, uh, look
around. >> stephen: are you afraid shannon will ethrow a punch at you? >> he's incredibly opinion intimidating. >> stephen: i'm afraid to. yeah, don't. i met him outside the context of working on that and he's a very nice guy. in the movie, he's very intense and severe. the proudest moment, i think, of that year was getting him to break in a scene where i said -- it was the end of the scene and they hadn't called cut and i just -- and there was an awkward pause and i said -- what? and he smiled. he broke. it was, like, and the crew all kind of congratulated me afterwards. ( laughter ) it was a selfish thing. it's an ad-lib. one thing you're not supposed to do. >> stephen: you're a low life. yeah. i swooped in on his moment. >> stephen: well, lovely to meet you. thank you so much for being here. yeah, thank you very much. >> thank you. thank you for having me. >> stephen: pleasure.
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so, i switched to tide pods. they're super concentrated, so i get a better clean. tide. number one rated. it's got to be tide >> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be matthew broderick, ali wentworth and musical guest fergie. now, stick around for james corden and his guests, queen latifah, morris chestnut and tracey ullman. good night!