tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:31am EST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> once again it's time for us to select our person of the year. i think we all know who it has to be, so if someone will just come out and say it, we can move on. anybody? ( laughter ) listen, i know nobody wants to be responsible for picking him for the cover, but come on. let's be professionals here. just say his name. we'll get back to our jobs. okay i'll start you off truuu... somebody jump in here. i've been in this room for five hours. so far the only suggestion i've heard is, "can i use the bathroom?" no, you cannot use it, not till you say his name! say it! okay, the conference room is now filled with jars of urine and
waste. they've passed out from the fumes. look, we're all adults. just say the name so we can go home! say it! i hope you're all happy! carl was just eaten by that dingo. i have the water jug! i am the ruler! i will show my bravery by say his name. trump! trump is the person of the year! aaarrgghhh! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes sigourney weaver andy cohen and a performance by pilobolus. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome! thank you so much, everybody. that's so nice of you. please have a seat, everybody. you're too kind. thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) very nice, very nice. i suddenly am very affectionate toward you, too. now, there's no getting around it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the it, today, donald trump was named "time's" person of the year-- unless, jill stein
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if you want news go to cbs' john dickerson or the "with the journal." but don't go to some anonymous guy on social media, because a lot of the news on social media is a lie. and not just because brian claims he's totally over lisa and is having a great time on his solo trip to iceland. there's so much fake news out there, and it's having such an influence on our lives that today-- and this is true-- pope francis said: ( laughter ) and if the pope's talking poop, you know we're in deep doo-doo. ( applause ). ( cheers ) and the craziest-- and the craziest fake news of all is something called pizzagate. people actually believe a conspiracy theory that hillary
clinton and her former campaign manager, john podesta, ran a child sex ring at a pizzeria in d.c. this is a lie. we all know the only people who are trapped in a pizza place are those robots at chuck e. cheese. ( laughter ) i've seen "westworld." one day they're going to rise up and kill us all. now, according to the folks with the spider eggs hatching in their brains, clinton and podesta have a series of smuggling tunnels that connect to the basement of the pizzeria, but police refused to investigate the basement crime scene on the flimsy excuse that the pizzeria does not have a basement. ( laughter ) that's how deep this goes-- ground level. so where did this conspiracy theory start? apparently some alt-right folks were combing through clinton campaign emails hacked by russia and published by wikileaks and noticed there seemed to be more
references to pizza and pizzerias than they had expected, which can only mean one thing: secret sex ring. ( laughter ) a lot of uninformed, gullible people fell for the clinton-podesta sex ring theory, people like trump's pick for national security advisor, michael flynn, who tweeted out a link, writing, "new hillary emails: money laundering, sex crimes with children, etc. must read!" introducing it, "u decide!" okay! then, i decide a guy who spreads this bull-(bleep) shouldn't be in charge of national security. ( cheers and applause ) and here's the thing-- here's the thing. donaldonald trump's transition m has acknowledged that this is disqualifying madness, and they've done the right thing, by firing michael flynn's son for
tweeting about pizzagate. phew! we really dodged one of the bullets here. so, pretty weird, but harmless fun, right? wrong, because over the weekend, this happened. >> police say a 28-year-old gunman entered comet ping pong and fired off an assault rifle. the shooter claims he was investigating the so-called "pizzagate story." >> stephen: thankfully, no one was hurt, but it does raise disturbing questions like, who names a pizza place "comet ping pong"? was "asteroid air hockey" already taken? ( laughter ) and this internet make-'em-up doesn't just implicate my favorite food. it implicates my favorite me, because according to some folks on reddit, i'm in on pizzagate. because at the end my election night special, i talked about pizza, which they called-- all caps-- "creepy." this is insane. i have absolutely no part in the
pizzagate conspiracy... is what they want me to say! ( laughter ) ( applause ) because as these super-sleuths, these da vinci choads have figured out, i'm on the clinton payroll. their evidence: wikileaks is now tweeting an email sent to john podesta three years ago that some reddit folks say "reveals colbert is directly instructed by politicians on what to put on his show (disgusting)." wait a second. why is that "disgusting" hidden in those parentheses? what does it know? did clinton trap it there? i've always said parentheses are the basement of punctuation. ( laughter ) now-- doesn't make sense. it's spooky. now here's where it gets... good? the email in question is about my interview with bill clinton on stage during the clinton
global initiative at washington university in 2013. clinton's press rep wrote to john podesta, "i hope you got a chance to see 'the colbert report's' two special episodes i had them do about c.g.i.-u." now, i am flattered that this guy considered it an achievement that he somehow booked president clinton on my basic cable news parody puppet show. ( laughter ) but because this staffer took credit for getting bill on the show, they think i'm on hillary's payroll. for the record: she can't afford me. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but-- but i've got to say, this email blows the lid off of what the illuminati call "talk shows," and no one blows lid quite like host of "info wars," trump advisor and alien sasquatch love
child, alex p. jones. >> john, i hope you got the chance to see "the colbert report's" two special episodes. so "the colbert report" special episodes-- that was the title of it-- that's what they're doing is, is every major media outlet coordinating, scripting it. you don't need to know that when obama goes on "jimmy fallon live" and has some scripted piece riffing off of jazz and it's all perfectly done, it's all choreographed, and they are choreographing things. it's disgusting. >> stephen: oh, yeah. oh, yeah, he's right. it's not just me in th conspiracy. it's that show "jimmy fallon live" and their famous segment, "slow jazzing the news riff-off." it's all choreographed. i'm starting to think these shows might be rehearsed. ( laughter ) i'm busted. ( applause ) we're busted! you got me! you got me! the email proves it! i asked bill clinton to come on the show.
his guy said, "okay. could you do it in st. louis? because he's doing his charity thing, and he wants to talk about it." and we said, "yes." then, we filmed the whole thing, put it on tv, and even put commercials right in the middle of it. oh, my god! we were in it for the money! ( laughter ) it's like these shows are some kind of business! ( laughter ) listen, listen. the scary part is, how high does this go? all the way to our next president, because when donald trump was on this very show-- and i can't believe you've forced me to admit this-- we talked to donald trump before he came on. and i hold in my hand the actual pre-interview we did with donald trump days before, where we told him what i wanted to talk about, and he told us what he wanted to talk about. then we had him on, talked about it-- i think he had a pretty good time-- and i treated him
with respect. you know who didn't like that? liberals. you can look it up. it's a fun read. now that he's going to be president of the united states, this is an actual historical document. it should be in the national archives. and he says some good stuff in here, stuff that i would like to read to you right now. ( cheers and applause ) but i'm not going to. ( laughter ) because there's an understanding that this is private. between me and a guest there's a tacit agreement. so... >> audience: oooooh! >> stephen: okay. i have another copy, of course,. ( cheers and applause )
but i'm not going to read that, either, because here's what these conspiracy theorists don't get: there's a difference between a conspiracy and an agreement. a conspiracy is what villains do. an agreement is what adults do. look around the country. wouldn't you agree we need some more adults? ( applause ) so wikileaks, alex jones, and the subreddit subgeniuses-- and i mean this in the nicest way possible-- grow the (bleep) up. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with sigourney weaver. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you, jon. my first guest is a beloved actress known for her roles in "alien," "ghostbusters" and "avatar". please welcome sigourney weaver! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> wow. ( cheers ) >> stephen: hi. it's nice to see you again. >> yes. >> stephen: you are just as lovely as ever. >> well, thank you. thank you so much.
>> stephen: and it's particularly nice to have you on the show because people may not know this, but your dad eventually-- i mean, he essentially invented these shows. he was the head of nbc, and he's the one who put carson on the air. >> well, it started with steve allen. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and it was the "tonight show" in new york. so he was the first person to create a talk show late at night, sort of like a party where anyone could just tune in and be parent of it. so... >> stephen: and did you-- did you ever go to "the tonight show" when you were a kid? >> not when i was a kid. i think the first time i went was when johnny, actually, out in l.a. >> stephen: what was he like? >> i don't know, really. i think he was probably a hard person to get to know. but i do know he would have loved you, because he actually had a very silicide, and not that-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, that's good. i'm good with that. i'm totally good. >> yeah, i think he just -- >> i'm good with this, too. very nice. ( laughter ) >> you know, i i think he just
would have loved the whole range of what you do. >> stephen: that's awfully nice. >> it's true. >> stephen: you're my favorite person right now. >> it's mutual. >> stephen: we have not spoken since the election. i know that you're-- you're very-- you're a very aware person. you care about our politics, even though you're not a political person yourself. what was election night like for you? were you shocked by the results? where were you when you got the results? >> well, really not until i woke up did i get the final results. and i've always wondered what it would be like it to wake up in a parallel universe, which is something i have acted. ( laughter ). >> stephen: sure ( applause ) >> and now i know. >> stephen: sure. >> i didn't have an alien in my chest, but it's been worse. it's been much worse. >> stephen: now, as i says, you're sort of-- you're issue oriented. you care about politics, even though you're not political yourself. i understand you kinds of got up in ronald reagan's face once at the white house christmas party.
is this true? >> it's true. well, i-- i think that's a very aggressive way of putting it. ( laughter ) i-- i was invited. i -- >> i'm not saying you crashed the geets. >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: of the white house. >> i had to go with a cadet, an honor guard gr really? >> sort of exciting. >> stephen: that's nice. what year was this? >> 1984, i think. >> stephen: 1984. so after "ghostbusters?" >> was it? i think before it came out. >> stephen: before it came out, okay. >> and i was in the line to say hello to the president. and when i got up there i said, "you know, i'm very concerned about protecting women's reproductive rights and being prochoice," and as i fenced the sentence, i felt myself being lefted up-- can which is not easy to do-- and just moved away. >> stephen: really. was it nancy? who picked you up? >> could have been.
>> stephen: she's tough, tough. but fair. firm but fair, noon see, always. >> actually, it was a strange night because it was a dinner for the saudis, and i thought-- i didn't know why i was invited. so i did all this research on, you know, what crops they grow and things like that so i could be informed. >> stephen: what crops do saudis grow? >> i know! they do grow a few crops. ( laughter ) and the reason evidence envieted-- i was put next to a saudi prens who was 11-- actually tmust have been after "ghostsbusters" came out. hemented to sit next to zuel, and that's why i was invite gld really? what do you talk with an 11-year-old saudi prince about, other than crops, obviously. >> after we got through crops -- he didn't speak english so we just kind of amanda at each other. >> stephen: a good story for
him. have you kept up with him? >> yes, i'm going over there to inspect their crops. >> stephen: excellent. ( applause ) you're a bit of an environmentalist. ob, we know this from "avatar." you believe in protecting the trees. >> right, right. >> stephen: you protect the trees. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: trump just-- who did he put in-- >> he just appointed scott pruitt who is the attorney general for oklahoma to run the e.p.a. and scott pruitt has made a career as attorney general in oklahoma suing the e.p.a. on behalf of fossil fuel companies. so, you know, this man who is supposed to be the administrator of the e.p.a., will probably start dismantling it. and you know we didn't vote for dirty air and dirty water. we didn't say, "let's make america dirty again,," you know. so i think it's-- ( applause ) it's really a stunning appointment. it's an outrageous appointment. >> stephen: well, your new
movie is called "a monster calls," and it's about a young boy whose mother is sadly dying of cancer. and he-- and he imagines-- or summons a tree monster to help and comfort him, something like that? >> yes, yes. >> stephen: okay. >> it's not really clear in the beginning. >> stephen: and liam neeson is the voice of the tree monster, as he should be. >> as he should be. ( laughter ). >> stephen: a tree monster with a specific set of skills. ( laughter ) and you play a very sort of hard-nosetbrm, the girl's mother, who is dying. and you have a difficult relationship with the boy at first. we have a clip here. >> oh, okay. >> stephen: of the two of you sharing -- >> not getting along. >> stephen: yeah. >> we're not the most natural fit, are we? >> no. i guess not. >> i guess not, either.
but we're going to have to lea learn. >> i know. >> you do know, don't you? , of course, i do. but there is one thing we have in common. your mom. that's what we have in common. ( applause ) >> stephen: am i going to make it to this movie? what i have seen of it is absolutely beautiful but i could barely make it it through that clip, can sigourney weaver. >> i think you should bring a box of kleenex with you, obviously. it's a really wonderful movie. and it's not all like that. >> stephen: no, no, no-- >> there are some very entertaining scenes with the
monster. >> stephen: there's a beautiful fantasy landscape made out of the boy's imagination. >> and young louis macdougall is magnificent. >> stephen: that's a great english accent. >thank you. >> stephen: what's your hook. >> my mother was english. bit couldn't sound like my mother in this, because my mother went to rada-- she was mr. there with vivian lee, that is the royal academy of art in london. she sounded very posh. >> stephen: how did your mother sound? >> "oh, heavens, we don't need to be entertained." >> stephen: that's lovely. >> but i didn't want that for-- >> stephen: you know who would love to hear you talk like that? an 11-year-old saudi prince. sigourney, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: "a monster calls" opens in select cities december 23 and nationwide
on january 6. sigourney weaver, everybody! we'll be right back with andy cohen. romeo! wherefore art thou romeo. call me but love, henceforth i never will be romeo my love is deep, the more i give to thee. a thousand times goodnight. ♪ people spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. gentle, non-habit forming advil pm. for a healing night's sleep.
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the emmy- and peabody-winning host of "watch what happens live" on bravo. please welcome the lovely andy cohen. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hello? >> hello! great to see you. >> stephen: you look absolutely dashing. >> thank you. >> stephen: i love the suit. i love the big window pane, and the turtleneck makes you look like early steve mcqueen, late
brokaw. nobody rocks a turtleneck like brokaw. >> semitic steve mcqueen is what i was going for. >> stephen: congratulations, you made it marvel clambake to you. look it up. watch the show. you'll like it. what is going on here? is this for and you your family? what are you doing? >> that is moo and my mom and my sister take a gingerbread class at my cousin's bakery in st. louis. >> stephen: a ginger braepped class? >> a gingerbread house-making class. isn't that nice what i made? i was kind of competing against -- >> that's a pretty good gingerbread house. >> everybody else in the class was between the ages of six and eight and me in the class at companion baking in st. louis. and i was very competitive with the other kids. ( laughter ) and i-- i hate to say i was mott the best in-- at the house.
>> stephen: it has some measures on the side. one mom said, looked so much better the one my son and i made, nice work. you're competitive and you won. congratulations. >> yes. >> stephen: that's really nice. >> yeah. >> stephen: that's really nice. also, congratulations, new name for the show. >> oh, yes! >> stephen: it's "watch what happens live with andy cohen." >> catchy, right? >> stephen: right. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: so we're not confused. >> exactly. wait a minute! who is on that show! >> stephen: any other changes for the show? >> yeah, we're moving studios. we're moving upstairs. right now we're in basically the eclift a tick tack. there's room for me, my guests and we're moving to the sizeave studio apartment in manhattan. we have a performance space. very exciting. january 3 is the big move. >> stephen: that's the move when you go main stream. >> oh, yeah, major! taking the show major main
stream, yeah. >> stephen: you have actually made history, i would say. >> yes. >> stephen: with your show by introducing to a lot of people who may not know any of it, yiddish on your show. >> i do speak a fair amount of yiddish on the show. every night on the show at the end i give my matle of the day, which is my kind of shout-out, shortening mazel tov, of course. i do throw in a fair amount of yiddish. eddie redmayne was on the show a couple of weeks ago and i said what was the deal with the mish gash with anne hathaway. and he goes miiveid gash. and he said i don't understand what you're talking about my cameraman turned to me during the break and said i have learned more yiddish on this show. it was great. >> stephen: well, you always learn something on "watch what happens live." >> always. >> stephen: your goal is to educate america. >> that's what i do. >> stephen: you have a new
book, "new york times" bestseller "superficial. of." "superficial: more adventures from the andy cohen diaries." what is the revelation? i understand you had tow teach john mayer about the significance of diana roz. >> that is true. >> stephen: there is no way john mayer did not know how significant diana ross was. >> it's a diary of two years of my life, and during this, i took a road trip with yawn from l.a. to san francisco, california. >> stephen: how did that happen? was this just for fun? >> we were going to see the grateful dead, actually, their 50th anniversary show. >> stephen: what! >> yeah. >> stephen: really? >> i'm a big deadhead -- >> on mopeds? how did you do this? >> we were in this big-- oh, this earth roamer of john's. >> stephen: what is an earth roamer? >> it's a big-ass car, and that's our truck kind of. it's the most heterovehicle i
have ever been in, in my life, basically. yeah, it's awesome. so while we're going there, what happens but marriage equality passes the supreme court. >> stephen: while you're driving? >> while we're driving up there. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you're in the san francisco for the weekend? >> yeah. i said to john, "dude, marriage equality passed and f.y.i., it's gay pride in san francisco. i'm going out tonight." and he goes, "i'm going with you, just so you know. i want to celebrate with you." so we went to a bar called the power house because gay bars have very kind of strong names, like power house! chams! man hole! like, you know, they're like strong names. you understand. >> stephen: i'm in, i'm in. yeah, yeah, sure ( laughter ). >> it's everything. it's a celebration, you know. and diana ross, of course, is playing-- as she might in that situation. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i said, you know what this is, right? and he was like, "fill me in,
man. what--" and so i had to give him a quick tutorial on the significance of my supreme queen. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: i might not even understand the full significance at this point. >> i don't think there's time in this segment. >> stephen: okay. i understand that you're thinking about having kids. "a" congrats, mazel baby, mazel. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: second of all, why? what is it ( laughter ) it's notally easy. >> there are moments in the book i'm looking for greater meaning in my life. the book, of course,ings is called "superficial." that's another story. that is one of the dialogues in the book. you know, why not? >> stephen: why not? so you can teach them making gingerbread houses. just be careful, listen, you're not that much younger than i am, and look how beautiful your skin is. >> thank you. >> stephen: you have some children, all the moisturizer in the world will not stop this
from happening. >> what! >> stephen: think about it? >> i have the facci to protect. >> stephen: what is facci? >> the face. >> stephen: i thought it was more yiddish. andy lovely to see you. congratulations on the show, and the book "superficial" is now in stores. andy cohen, everybody. we'll be right back, with a performance by pilobolus. ♪ ♪ nothseafood celebration.self" like red lobster's holiday
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tablets, and accessories. hurry in to t-mobile and get your holidays on us. my new beer, stella artois, hey cois finished. the people will love it. originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember do you have anything i can borrow for the holiday party? of course! cute! do you have anything for people? save ten when you spend fifty on apparel and accessories at target. ooh, look at you, all dolled up!
>> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be octavia spencer, john mulaney, and musical guest travis scott. now stick around for james corden and his guests, lily tomlin, and alison sudol. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way in new brunswick, canada,