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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 26, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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thank you for watching. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes: andrew garfield; erin andrews; and musical guest cage the elephant. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to see you! how are you? whooo! what's going on, everybody? >> jon: yeah!
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>> stephen: good to see you, my friend. jon, what's up? good to see you. nice to see you. welcome to "the late show," folks. please, have a seat. you're too kind. you're too kind. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host. i'm your host, stephen colbert. and, you know-- sorry, what? what's this? what's this? oh, hang on, let me see. oh, this? it's no big deal, just the clemson helmet given to me by south carolina governor nikki haley, and signed by clemson head coach dabo swinney. ( cheers and applause ) i wear it all the time. i wear it all the time, i usually just take it off before i come out here. oh, hey, i just remembered, last night clemson defeated alabama to become college football's national champion! ( cheers and applause ) no big deal, national champion. and since i've got the helmet,
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i'm kind of national champion, too. couldn't play last night because i had to do my show. i was very back-bench. and, wow, what a great game, real back-and-forth affair. did you guys see the game? did anybody watch the game? ( cheers and applause ) incredible, incredible, yeah. first, one team has the ball and their guy was running, then the other team-- they got the ball for a while, and then they were throwing it to their guy, who caught it. impossible to figure out who was going to win the game, because i was watching "big bang theory." but still, still, hell of a game. congratulations to all the players. you earned every penny last night, guys, good for you. ( laughter and applause ) meanwhile-- there you go, downtown. meanwhile, what's going on? oh, trump's transition is still steaming along like a-- what's a big steaming thing? anyway, it's steaming, is the important thing. it clears the pores, when you put your face over it. today, the senate began confirmation hearings for attorney general nominee and
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keebler elf who escaped the tree, jeff sessions. these confirmation hearings, i've watched a few, they can get pretty tense, but there were a few laughs. >> we're about to get an answer to the age-old question, "can you be confirmed attorney general of the united states over the objection of 1,400 law professors?" >> ( laughs ) >> ( laughs ) >> stephen: ha, ha, ha. it's funny because nothing matters. ( laughter ) sessions' nomination has caused a little bit of controversy because of accusations of racist talkie-talk. here's the deal: back in the 1980s, his african american assistant attorney testified that sessions called him "boy" on multiple occasions, and he joked that he thought the k.k.k. members were "okay, until he learned they smoked marijuana." right? burn a cross? okay. burn one down?
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no. ( laughter ) uh-uh, nuh-uh, no. now, sessions admitted that he said this back then, but he was joking, and today immediately addressed the white elephant in the room. >> let me address another issue straight on. i was accused in 1986, of failing to protect the voting rights of african americans, by presenting the perry county case, the voter fraud case, and of condemning civil rights advocates and organizations and even harboring, amazingly, sympathies for the k.k.k. these are damnably false charges. i abhor the klan and what it represents, and its hateful ideology. >> stephen: okay, jeff sessions doesn't love the klan. well, i guess we're done here. everyone be careful not to trip over that extremely low bar as you're leaving the chamber. ( laughter ) now, sessions' record raises concerns for democrats, but it's going to be almost impossible
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for them to block him because "he's too nice." that's just how politics works. andrew jackson was responsible for the trail of tears, but remember when he ordered pizza for everybody? nice guy. besides, every office-- even here-- every office has that one guy with some questionable views, but you put up with it because he's so nice. we've got one here at "the late show," our accounts payable guy, andy. super sweet guy, but just-- here, take a look. >> who's up for karaoke tonight? 7:00, on me? spouses welcome. sometimes i wonder if world war ii ended the right way. anybody else? oh, come on! tell me you don't think hunting old people on a desert island would be a ton of fun. i'm sorry, i'm going on and on. how's your family doing? have a nice weekend. remember, just because women can legally vote, doesn't mean they should!
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>> stephen: solid guy. super solid guy. the point is, i don't care how nice sessions is. i just don't think that jeff sessions is qualified for the job. >> my question is very simple. is grabbing a woman by her genitals without consent, is that sexual assault? >> yes. >> stephen: i like him. ( laughter ) well, what else is going on with the trump people? oh, the rumor i told you about last night is official-- donald trump's son-in-law, jared kushner, will be named senior adviser to the president. now, in fairness-- come on now, come on. give him a shot here. in fairness to kushner, his qualifications go well beyond being donald trump's son-in-law. he's also married to donald trump's daughter. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: now, a lot of people are saying that this violates the 1967 federal anti-nepotism statute, which prohibits public officials from appointing
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relatives to a civilian position in the agency over which he exercises control. but trump's folks say there is no conflict because, "a," the white house is not an agency, and "b," donald trump has never exercised control. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and-- ♪ ♪ we're good! we're good. i like that. that was very nice. >> jon: it's trump music, yeah. >> stephen: that's the donald trump music? >> jon: yeah, that's the trump train, you know what i'm saying? >> stephen: can i hear that? ♪ ♪ >> stephen: sounds like we're going up a hill. >> jon: yeah, because-- >> stephen: and then we jump off the top when we get up there. ( laughter ) >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: well, just like his father-in-law, mr. kushner will not take a salary. and just like his father-in-law, i really wish he would. i want a guy who needs the gig, not someone who sees running the country as a hobby, like, you know, a way to meet people. like, i'll run the country instead of joining an adult kickball league. now, trump needs to hire a lot
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of people, because unlike previous transitions, trump is getting rid of all of obama hires, immediately. everybody is fired, whether he has replacements for them or not. and this is true-- he's even getting rid of the people in charge of maintaining our nuclear arsenal. yep, they're leaving our nuclear weapons "home alone." yes, it's a great new movie about a young member of isis out to steal our weapons-grade plutonium. i believe we have a clip. >> excuse me. where do they store the nukes? >> down the hall and to the left. >> thanks. >> stephen: it should be fine. it should be fine. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> jon: fly away! >> stephen: here's the thing-- the people of the national nuclear security administration-- who, again, guard our nuclear stockpile-- legally can only follow orders
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from the two officers who just got fired by trump. so what are they going to do now, outsource it to a task rabbit? set up a "take a nuke, leave a nuke" tray? i admit, while this cause some concern, one nuclear official had some words of calm for a troubled nation: "i'm more and more coming around to the idea that we're so very, very ( bleep )." ( laughter ) but on the bright side, if the world ends, trump will be a one- term president. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now-- what else is going on? how about some less-disturbing news, okay? here's one. there's a new biography of author margaret wise brown. you know the children's classic, "goodnight moon." she's the lady who wrote that. and i'm only halfway through the book, don't tell me what happens. don't tell me what happens to the bowl full of mush.
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now, wise brown's biography is getting some headlines, because apparently brown had a pretty wild life, including long-term affairs with a married man and a married woman. no surprise. childrens' authors can be pretty freaky. there are rumors that dr. seuss had a kink where he liked to be slurfed with a durf in his glurf. that's-- right up the glurf. now, legally, i can't show a glurf on cbs. but i think we all know what the glurf is. >> jon: whoa, whoa. >> stephen: you know what a glurf is. you're an adult. >> jon: yeah, yeah, glurf. uh-huh. that's right, uh-huh. >> stephen: that's how they make babies in whoville. >> jon: oh, that's right. >> stephen: they stick it up your whereville. now, another big-- ( laughter )
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just trying to keep it light before the world ends. just trying to keep it light before they take our nukes. i'm just trying to keep it light. another big revelation-- brown told a reporter, "i don't especially like children." no surprise there. after all, she let a child sleep in a room with an unattended fire. but the biggest surprise is that the characters in "goodnight moon" are bunnies, and according this biography, brown was an avid rabbit hunter, which explains why the old lady was whispering "hush." margaret wise brown was headed over with a shotgun! shut your mouth or it's goodnight, everybody! ( laughter ) ( applause ) well, in light of these revelations, we at "the late show" have acquired an early draft of "goodnight moon" that reflects margaret wise brown's lifestyle when she wrote it. here we go. everybody get comfy.
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"in the great green room there was a telephone and a red balloon. i called my married lovers. they'll be here soon. the kid's fast asleep. i made him go hush by putting some ambien in the dinner mush. ( laughter ) goodnight, mittens. goodnight, toy house. hello, lovers who have a spouse." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, oh! ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm not sure what's going on here. "goodnight you, goodnight me. please, leave this out of my biography." we've got a great show for you tonight. andrew garfield is here.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a golden globe and tony-nominated actor who scaled walls in "spiderman," patched up american g.i. in "hacksaw ridge," and now plays a jesuit priest in martin scorsese's "silence." please welcome andrew garfield. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: wow! you nailed the landing! >> i don't know what you're talking about. >> stephen: how you have been? >> very good. very happy to be here. i love this show. i love what you're doing. i think you're voicing everyone's concerns and you're keeping us light, and i'm very, very grateful. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. >> you're reflecting a lot of the horror that i'm feeling in my heart and body, and i appreciate that as well. >> stephen: well, thank you. i have enormous affection for you right now, for some reason, too. thank you very much. >> is it because of the flattery? >> stephen: i like anyone who likes me. congratulations on this amazing year of yours, between "silence" and "hacksaw ridge," you turned in two of the most powerful performances of the year. you were just nominated for a golden globe. you didn't win. i'm sorry about that. >> thank you for bringing that up. >> stephen: but you also had one of the most memorable moments. you kind of stole-- ( cheers ) you kind of stole-- stole focus because you were sitting there with ryan reynolds and, he was up against ryan gosling.
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>> yes. >> stephen: you know, for the golden globe, and this is what happened when ryan gosling won. this is what happened between you and ryan reynolds. there you go and... ( cheers and applause ) what happened-- what happened-- what's the story there? what's going on there? >> i just wanted ryan to know that i loved him, no matter whether he won or lost. i just wanted, wanted him to know that i-- >> stephen: that's very supportive. >> yeah, that it doesn't matter. it's how you play the game. he showed up and he gave his all, and it doesn't change anything in my heart, so i just wanted-- >> stephen: and you love him just as much. >> yeah, and i just wanted him to know that. >> stephen: that's nice. and you're very comfortable with kissing other men. >> i mean, i don't even understand the question. >> stephen: me, either. me, either. not everybody is, but i'm totally comfortable with it, too. i just want to you know that at any point during this-- >> all right. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: what were we talking about? ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, you're-- ( laughter ) you're a very gentle lover, i'll start with that. you're nominated-- you were nominated for "hacksaw ridge." >> yes. >> stephen: right, and-- and you turned in an incredible performance in "silence." these are both men of deep faith. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: were you raised with any particular deep faith of your own? >> i wasn't, actually, strangely enough. i was raised very open. i was given a lot of-- you know, it was really-- >> stephen: like a free range chicken? >> like a free range chicken yeah. took the words right out of my mouth. you know, it's a weird thing.
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one of my heroes growing up was mahatma gandhi. that's a weird thing to have as a hero when you're seven. >> stephen: well-- oh, seven? >> when you're seven or eight. yeah. and i was just fascinated by-- >> stephen: because you wouldn't eat your vegetables and you were like, "mom, i'm like gandhi." why gandhi when you were seven? how were you exposed to him? >> i can't even remember how it happened. i just remember being very young and going to school for the first time and seeing the playground bully and not really understanding why he was the way he was. and my first impulse was to-- to hug him and kind of tell him, "it's all right. you don't have to behave this way." >> stephen: at seven? >> i don't, i don't understand. it was something-- i think it's my mother's fault. she taught me about unconditional love, and she taught me about hurt people-- hurt people hurt people. people who are hurt, hurt people. hurt other people. am i explaining this? >> stephen: i was with you the first time. >> okay, fine. >> stephen: no, i get it. it's simple but deep. >> yeah, very deep. and it kind of-- i really owe it to my wonderful mother, lynn
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garfield. and there was something about gandhi that, you know, him and my mother were my heroes growing up, in that regard. but then, of course, i became this bully's target, because i saw him very, very deeply. and he understood-- >> stephen: did you hug him? >> oh, yeah. i would protect him from bigger bullies. you know, i was the one that was, like, protecting him and explaining to the bigger bullies, "you don't understand, he's just deeply damaged by his-- kind of, his mother's abandonment of him, and his dad doesn't know what he's doing and he drinks--" whatever it was. >> stephen: was there any benefit to this behavior of yours? did he still pick on you? >> oh, yeah, more and more, because of it. and i for some reason kept on protecting him. i mean, this was a bizarre, toxic, unhealthy relationship, much like our relationship with our future president-elect, kind of, possibly. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: but that's-- but you're-- but that's self- sacrificial. that's very christ-like of you. >> well... yes. no, no, please! it was a bit foolish as well.
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but, i mean, yeah, i don't know. >> stephen: christ says, "call no man fool." >> but i just-- what about yourself? can you call yourself a fool? >> stephen: a fool for christ, i suppose. ( laughter ) we've got to take a little break, but we'll be right back with more andrew garfield. stick around. ( band playing ) ( applause )
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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with andrew garfield, the star of "silence" and "hacksaw ridge." in this new movie "silence," you play a jesuit missionary-- we had adam driver on here the other night. the two of you play jesuit missionaries who go to japan during the tokugawa shogunate, like, when japan is closed, to try to find liam neeson. did you have to study-- ( laughter ) i know, i know.
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not actually liam neeson; you know what i'm trying to say. >> and he plays himself in the film. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. he's that good. >> that good and-- >> stephen: did you have to study-- like, did you study to be a jesuit? >> i studied with a mutual friend of ours, father james martin, who used to-- >> stephen: sure, he was the chaplain of colbert nation. >> yeah, and someone i love as dearly as you seem to. i studied with him for a year and i went through the ignation spiritual exercises. >> stephen: what do you do? i never actually studied with a jesuit. what do you have to do? is it like, becoming a kung fu monk, but with praying? what do you do to get ready for it? >> pretty much! like the most gentle, compassionate kung fu monk there is. you know, not only did we study the theology and the history of the society of jesus, but there's these processes called the spiritual exercises, that st. ignatius created when he founded the order. and it's kind of the basis for all 12-step programs around the world, a.a. being the first. and it's this transformational process where you do this imaginative, meditative prayers
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with the life of jesus, where you place yourself in each scene, much like being an actor. and actually, i found out that stanislavski, who invented modern acting, the method of modern acting that resulted in the american method and everything after that, was deeply inspired by st. ignatius' spiritual exercises. so i felt kind of right at home and it was this very weird thing where you create a very deep relationship with jesus christ. and i didn't know much about jesus. i didn't-- i hadn't really studied the bible. as i said, i'm kind of an agnostic, pantheist. but i also discovered, the jesuits themselves are incredibly pantheist, in a way, in the sense that, like-- >> stephen: pantheist? like zeus, and those people? what do you mean by pantheist? like pagans? >> no, no, no, i would never-- please, do not-- don't get me in trouble with father martin. it's how i hear that is, finding god in all things. finding god in every single human being, meaning, finding love in every single human being, finding possibility in every single human being, finding, you know, in the tree that was cut down to make this table-- you know, suddenly
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everything becomes a miracle. i just, i just love that. i think that's such a wonderful way to see the world, and a beautiful way to see the world. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, these two jesuits are deeply tested. these two jesuits that you and adam driver play, these two jesuits are deeply tested, their faith is deeply tested, because they're captured by the japanese, who are trying to rid japan of christians at the time. and we have a scene here of the two of you trying to figure out what to do now that you're being tested. how do you continue? jim? >> we don't even know if father ferreira is alive or dead. the villagers never even heard of him. these people are so frightened. it's fear, all they have. and lice. >> they have us. we comfort them. >> how much longer can we do that? >> we asked for this mission, fransisco. we prayed for this in the exercises. god heard us then and he hears us now.
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>> then may he guide us to ferreira so we can know the truth. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, what people may notice in that is, you guys both lost a ton of weight. you lost a ton of weight for that. how much did you lose? >> i lost 40 pounds-ish. yeah, and i'm a skinny guy anyway, so i was like-- >> stephen: adam driver said he lost 50 pounds. >> he wins. >> stephen: yeah. >> he won. >> stephen: he's 10 pounds better actor. >> yeah, that's right! pretty much. >> stephen: how did you lose 40 pounds? >> goodness, you know, you just kind of don't eat, and, and-- >> stephen: that will do it. >> and get angry, get very, very angry at everything around you. that's pretty much the process. >> stephen: really? is the not eating make you angry? or does the anger make you not eat? >> the not eating makes you incredibly-- has anyone fasted? has anyone gone through, like, a fast? yeah, and it's a beautiful, spiritual process, because the idea is you empty out in order for all of the spirits to enter. and, my goodness, i was empty, and it was-- it was brutal. you know, we would kind of be sneaking blueberries and almonds in between takes.
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>> stephen: cheating. >> yeah, a little bit of cheating. >> stephen: you did a week of silence, right? >> silent retreat. yeah, myself and adam together. we didn't really know each other very well at that point. and he kind of arrived two days after me, and we kind of waved to each other. >> stephen: what do you do on a silent retreat? is there a lot of mime? like, aaah! i'm sad. heartbroken. heartbroken. is there-- what's the first thing you said to each other when you could first-- like, after a week, when you haven't been able to talk and you haven't really met before, what's the first thing you said to each other after a week of silence? >> yeah, so we had these seven days and it was so full of this kind of, you know, divine attempt to pray and to meditate and to get close to those deep inner voices and the spiritual kind of exploration we were doing. and i think we got into the car, and it was as if the devil in both of us said where the ( bleep ) have you been?
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because we just had the most disgusting, dirty, awful, dark conversation for three hours on the way to the airport. because we had had this-- it was like-- it was like the devil felt so left out of the last seven days that he just came and made us say the worst, like nasty-- i can't even remember. i've, like, blocked it out. we just-- we went to the darkest place for about three hours. >> stephen: did you talk about any of this stuff with mel gibson, by the way? >> yeah, we did. >> stephen: because we had mel on here and he believes the devil and the angels are real and they're around us and fighting over us all the time. >> yeah, right, yeah, i mean-- >> stephen: do you believe in any of that stuff? >> i believe in-- i believe in that as metaphor. i believe in it as energy. i believe in it as our better angels. and, no, absolutely. and also, i, i-- to be honest, certainty, certainty about anything, is the most terrifying thing to me. >> stephen: what do you mean, certainty is terrifying? >> certainty is terrifying? >> stephen: yeah. >> i mean-- ( sighs ) >> stephen: if you knew that there was an afterlife, would
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that be comforting or terrifying? >> how would i ever know? >> stephen: i don't know. >> but, what i mean is-- >> stephen: a visitation from an angel. >> well, sure, but i would question it. even after a visitation. i think it's healthy. you think about thomas martin, the great trappist monk and philosopher, really. his doubt was his greatest ally. he was always, constantly doubting, and i think a life of faith is not a life of certainty. a life of faith is a life of doubt. and i think it is so healthy to doubt. it is so healthy to doubt oneself, it is so healthy to doubt any assumption we make about how to live. and i think-- what i say when-- what i mean when i say certainty scares me, certainty starts war. certainty starts war on behalf of ideology. certainty of, "i know and you don't." that's the scariest thing to me. and what a human being is capable of doing. ( applause ) >> stephen: andrew, thank you so much for being here. "silence" is in theaters now.
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andrew garfield, everybody. we'll be right back with erin andrews. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) 90% of the world's largest supercomputers run on intel? that means you can take a universe of data -
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( band playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. hey, everybody. my next guest tonight is the lead sideline reporter for "fox nfl" and co-hosts abc's "dancing with the stars." please welcome erin andrews! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> hey-ey! >> stephen: hey-o! >> i mean, if this dress opened up-- are we going to make out? >> stephen: what? >> huh? >> stephen: i'm in a relationship right now. >> you are? >> stephen: i'm in a relationship with andrew garfield. i'm flattered.
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>> we all just saw. >> stephen: i'm flattered. >> how did that go? now, did you do a little listerine before, or do a-- check? >> stephen: just went for it, baby. >> yes please! >> stephen: a little more open- mouth than i expected, but i got to say, a-plus. ( laughter ) i love-- this is a beautiful dress. i like, i like the colors. >> thank you! i'm, like, holding it together as i'm sitting. hello! thanks. i think they're-- yeah, they're bugs, right? >> stephen: they're very pretty. >> well, thank you. >> stephen: now, you're a-- >> nice to meet you, by the way. i feel, it's crazy i've never met you before. do you not like to be touched? >> stephen: i love to be touched, but i-- >> sorry. >> stephen: --but if you touch me, i, i get very quiet. >> oh, okay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'll show you. i'll keep talking, you touch me, while i'm talking-- ( cheers and applause ) this mig-- >> sorry! >> stephen: this might be-- this might be my favorite show time. >> mine, too. >> stephen: thank you very much. so you're a sideline reporter. were you surprised that clemson beat alabama last night? >> first of all, i was bummed out i didn't get to stay up and
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watch it. i was on a morning show. so, people wake up early for that business, huh? but i saw the highlights as soon as i woke up. i've got to tell you, i'm an s.c.c. girl. i went to the university of florida. that's-- i know they said you don't know much about football? but that's-- >> stephen: i know everything about football! ask me anything about football! i'll answer any questions. >> schools from the south, and alabama, i'm a huge nick sabein fan, he's the head coach of alabama. >> stephen: like god? >> yeah, and his players become incredible. and i've actually told nick sabein that when i have my first-born, that it's going to be like, "lion king," circle of life. i'm going to give birth to my child and pass him on to nick sabein, to raise my kid, make him win a heisman trophy and national championship and go to the n.f.l. how does that sound? >> stephen: no pressure. >> right. >> stephen: wow, talk about tough love. >> and you're going to hear, like, the "lion king" music. it's going to be amazing. >> stephen: did you play a sport? >> i didn't. i just have always been a spectator. i was a daddy's girl, i watched, you know, all the games with my dad, watched his teams and learned all about it. >> stephen: now, you were sideline at the giants-packers game. >> this past weekend. >> stephen: zero degrees. >> froze my patootie off, yeah.
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>> stephen: at lambeau field. >> it kind of feels like this studio right now. >> stephen: a little bit chilly. slightly chilly, or what's it like? what's it like-- i mean, obviously you don't have, like, 500 pounds of blubber as a linebacker to protect you and i assume you weren't wearing that dress. what's that like? i mean, can you do your best job as a reporter if you can't move your mouth? >> i mean, well, yeah, i was wrapped up, like from "christmas story," randy, he was like "i can't move my arms now!" do you love that? i mean-- >> stephen: i do, i do love that. >> thank you. god, i hoped you got that one, too. yeah, so i had that, and-- >> stephen: hey, i have cultural references! i'm an american! >> i'm sorry, that's terrible. >> stephen: go ahead, go ahead. >> no, but the biggest factor for me, it's not even like, you know, you're freezing, it's just the constant runnage of the nose. and i just feel like you don't even you're talking to a player and you've just got the snot coming down, and it's like, "so, that hail mary..." ( sniffs ) it's just-- >> stephen: it humanizes you. >> yeah, it's special, i have to tell you. >> stephen: now, there was a lot of criticism from the giants about having the boat trip, the week before. >> right, didn't hear a thing about it. >> stephen: did you-- do you
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think any of that criticism is legitimate, that they, like, should not have taken the day off, and should have been on the practice field? >> look, this is my thing. they're grown men. they know what they're doing. my only question about it was-- i didn't-- i mean, listen, justin beiber? i didn't know the street cred was that high for odell and victor cruz and sterling shepard. i want to hang with beyonce. i mean, justin beiber-- >> stephen: they were on bieber's boat. >> yeah! that's-- >> stephen: listen, you go with the boat you can get, not with the boat you necessarily want. i don't know if beyonce's boat was in miami harbor. >> that's a good point. where's your boat? >> stephen: have you been on beiber's boat? >> no. but i'd love to try it! no, i'm kidding. >> stephen: it's very nice. >> is it? >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> how's your boat? >> stephen: i've got a skiff. 12 feet long, it's wood. you paddle it. do you have a boat? >> not as big as yours. >> stephen: do you actually have a boat? >> no! >> stephen: you have to get a boat. >> i grew up in florida, but no boat. >> stephen: how do you get around in florida? soon, you'll need a boat to get anywhere. >> yeah... >> stephen: now, are you sick of
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hearing players say the same things on the sidelines all the time? because they always say things like, "give 110%." "dug down deep." >> yeah, that's usually in our interviews, but from where i'm standing on the sidelines, i mean, i hear the craziest things you could ever imagine. i mean, i wish i could report on some of the things-- >> stephen: why can't you report on them? you're a sideline reporter! >> well, the n.f.l. doesn't allow that. you do have to paraphrase. i heard you had a question about that. if you do hear something, for the n.f.l., you do have to paraphrase. nick asked me, your producer. you do paraphrase, but-- >> stephen: what do you mean "paraphrase?" >> so, like-- >> stephen: so if you hear two players talking and you think that's news-- >> "get your head out of your rear end. you have got to start catching these balls. what's wrong with you? were you on a boat in miami? what's wrong?" i cannot say, "i just heard so- and-so say this to so-and-so." i have to say, "well, so-and-so was very unhappy with the fact his wide receiver, you know, was unable to catch a few balls." you have to paraphrase, you can't say exactly what they said. >> stephen: what happens if you say? >> i don't think the n.f.l. really likes it. it's just a rule: as a sideline reporter, i cannot can repeat
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verbatim i hear on the sideline. >> stephen: are you ever scared on the sidelines that you're going to get hit by one of these guys? >> yes, yes! >> stephen: and i don't mean, like, hit, like, someone will just come careening off the field-- >> no, it's another thing you really have to be serious about. because, they're coming or sometimes, i'm writing my notes or i'm texting, and all of a sudden they're like, "look out!" i've been nailed in the face by a baseball before at a mets game. and it was no joke, it hit off my face, it was a line drive, went in the stands, and this little brat kid was like, "can you sign my ball?" and i was like, "i hate you!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: i got hit by a line drive foul ball once at a minor league game, and it bounced off my face and the guy next to me caught it. >> yeah, the guy behind me caught it! and the security guard in front of me crouched down and i got nailed. >> stephen: the security guard crouched down? >> yeah, and i was so upset! and then my poor dad heard about it on television and called me, and i didn't cry the whole time, i was absolutely fine. baseball players and trainers were running up to me and asking me if i was okay, and i was like, "yeah, i'm fine." drinking a swig of, like, diet coke. and all of a sudden my dad called and i go, "i think i broke my chin!"
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>> stephen: now, you also have another job, which is, for the last couple of years you've been the co-host of-- of-- "so you think you can dance," is it? >> no, "dancing with the stars." are you insane? >> stephen: sorry. they're both dancing. so, there's both, dancing. >> umm... but we only have one bruno. are you joking? do we get to redo this? ( laughter ) >> stephen: do we get to redo it? i'll tell you what. i'll tell you what, i'll redo it, but i'll leave in my ( bleep ) up. >> yeah! >> stephen: all right, let's try this again, ready? so you're-- you're also co-host of "dancing with the stars." >> i am, yeah. >> stephen: do you think you can dance? >> i did that show, actually. ( laughter ) i did! ( laughter ) >> stephen: hold on, i'm just ( bleep ) with you. now, okay-- >> why are you laughing? you know it's not funny. stop making him feel better. >> stephen: now, here's the deal, here's the deal-- >> is this mine or yours? >> stephen: let's find out. >> okay... >> stephen: no, it's yours! i promise you, it's yours. >> okay, thanks. >> stephen: so, you know something the rest of us need to know, is that rick perry was a contestant.
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and rick perry is going to be the new secretary of energy. >> right. >> stephen: okay, does anything from his performance lead you to believe that he's going to be a great cabinet member? >> he didn't have much energy on our show. >> stephen: i beg to differ. jim, can we, can we show rick perry dancing? ♪ ♪ >> stephen: that just instills confidence! that's a cabinet member! that guy is in line to be president now. >> that's one of those performances, you sit back and you say, "bless his heart." it was so nice he came out and tried to be a part of our family. >> stephen: now, tell me what orangetheory is. >> orangetheory is a workout that i do and i would love all of you to try it and every single one of you here could go to our over 550 studios in the united states. it's strength training. it's cardiovascular. it's changed my life. why don't you come with me? tomorrow! >> stephen: absolutely! as far as anyone knows, i accept!
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>> thanks! ( laughter ) >> stephen: check out orangetheory fitness in a city near you. you can catch erin andrews on fox. we'll be right back with a performance by cage the elephant. i juwhat are you looking at? crazy stuff, man. you've gotta see this. what--what is this? it's like some 3d virtual world. can i see? oh yai yai yai yai yai yai. look at the moon. whoot. ♪
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it's crispety. it's crunchety. it's a one-of-a-kind experience. butterfinger. there's nothing like it. have you any wool?eep, no sir, no sir, some nincompoop stole all my wool sweaters, smart tv and gaming system. luckily, the geico insurance agency recently helped baa baa with renters insurance. everything stolen was replaced. and the hooligan who lives down the lane was caught selling the stolen goods online. visit and see how easy it is to switch and save on renters insurance. ♪ ♪ so tasty.
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introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion all-wheel drive. soon to be... everywhere.
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( band playing ) ♪ ♪
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to help provide access to cleanh water to womeng and their families in the developing world. we can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. ♪ play marian hill. ♪ ♪are you down, d-d-down, d-d-down,♪ ♪d-d-down, down, down?
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♪are you... down, d-down, down,♪ ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪down, d-down, down, down, ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪are you down, are you down,♪ ♪are you d-d-down, are you? ♪ kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longer-lasting flavor? mmm (zipping) (zipping) (rattling) longer-lasting juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew and chew. ♪ digiorno? ♪ rise to the occasion.
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it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
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>> stephen: and now, performing "cold cold cold" from their grammy-nominated rock album, "tell me i'm pretty," ladies and gentlemen, cage the elephant! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ doctor look into my eyes ♪ i've been breathing air but there's no sign of life ♪ doctor the problem's in my chest ♪ my heart feels cold as ice but it's anybody's guess
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♪ doctor, can you help me cause i don't feel right ♪ better make it fast before i change my mind ♪ doctor, can you help me cause i don't feel right ♪ better make it fast because there ain't much time ♪ well it's cold cold, cold, cold inside ♪ darker in the day than the dead of night ♪ cold, cold, cold, cold inside doctor can you help me ♪ something don't feel right something just ain't right ♪ sweet nurse don't look at me that way ♪ i've seen those eyes before i can tell you want to play ♪ counselor give me some advice
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tell me how hard will i fall ♪ if i live a double life doctor, can you help me ♪ cause i don't feel right better make it fast ♪ before i change my mind doctor, can you help me ♪ cause i don't feel right better make it fast ♪ because there ain't much time well, it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside ♪ darker in the day than the dead of night ♪ cold, cold, cold, cold inside ♪ doctor, can you help me 'cause something don't feel right ♪ something don't feel right something just ain't right ♪ and as the darkness falls it fills up both my eyes
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♪ my life before me like a flash in the night ♪ with my arms open wide ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ well, it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside ♪ cold, cold, cold, cold inside ♪ cold, cold, cold, cold inside ♪ doctor, can you help me cause something don't feel right ♪ something don't feel right, something just ain't right ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: "cage the elephant," everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs
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captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the moment at which you realize where you are, give iup


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