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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 6, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am EST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> here interrupt-usat here, het gd!is iald, stop! up, resign for lyi to paraphrase >> just admit whatme anderson cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
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>> stephen: hey! whoo! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) hey, thanks, everybody! thank you, mark! ( piano riff ) whoo! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show"! thanks so much, everybody! you're very kind. very kind. thank you very much! listen -- ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody.
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lovely. yeah! stay strong, be brave! look folks, i'm not going to lie to you, this is "the late show" and i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) last week, i don't know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. he gave a big boy speech in front of congress-- long pants and everything. i was afraid he'd sold the timeshare in crazytown. well, he's baaack! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) man, things are moving so fast. i think i need a dramamine. i watched the sunday shows yesterday and alternated between weeping and vomiting, like someone made me chug day-quil and strapped me in a tilt-a-whirl. get into this industrial dryer and we'll throw in a couple of floorescent tubes for you.
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here, enjoy it! for those of you who missed it, saturday morning while he was in florida, out of nowhere, trump tweeted: "terrible! just found out that obama had my "wires tapped" in trump tower just before the victory. nothing found. this is mccarthyism!" ( laughter ) and just like that, the white house had to reset their sign back to zero. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so sad. they'd gotten up to, like, five days. it was a new record. and this tweet was sent at 6:35 a.m. who wakes up that furious? somebody give this guy a xanax or a bran muffin. or a bran muffin stuffed with xanax. a bran-ax. next, he tweeted: "how low has president obama
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gone to "tapp" my phones during the very sacred election process. this is nixon/watergate." wait, you said this was mccarthyism. now it's nixon-watergate? pick your historical analogy! "this is the pearl harbor of hindenburg great depression d-days! finale of lost." ( applause ) and he must have been proud of this tweet because it's the first one he ever signed: "bad-- or sick-- guy!" ( laughter ) couldn't have said it better myself, sir. ( laughter ) this is a serious allegation and you know that trump takes it seriously because his next tweet was: "arnold schwarzenegger isn't voluntarily leaving the
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apprentice, he was fired by his bad-- pathetic-- ratings, not by me. sad end to great show." that's right, first he alleges a scandal worse than watergate, then he immediately goes after schwarzenegger. it's like if deep throat told woodward and bernstein "nixon is a criminal. oh, and the $6 million man isn't real, it's all done with slow motion." ( laughter ) those are his real legs! it's not a machine! now, the obama people say they never wiretapped trump. here's former obama press secretary josh earnest. >> this may come as some surprise to the current occupant of the oval office, but the president of the united states does not have the authority to unilaterally order the wiretapping of an american citizen. >> stephen: oh really, josh. well, i'll have you know a lot of things come as a surprise to donald trump. the first amendment, object permanence, the fact that ben
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carson isn't the guy from family matters... ( laughter ) he's not, right? what about stefan? >> jon: stefan colbert! >> stephen: need more no proof? here's former director of national intelligence and sentient testicle james clapper. >> there was no such wiretap activity mounted against the president-elect at the time, or as a candidate, or against his campaign. >> stephen: "if anything, we've been trying to think of ways we can hear trump less. the nsa is working on some trump-canceling earphones." ( laughter ) ( applause ) faced with these denials, trump has not produced a shred of evidence. so where did trump get his info? from the cia? from the fbi?
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out of his a-s-s? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's a fine year, would to keep the cork? ( laughter ) well, apparently, it came from right wing radio host and unlicensed gynecologist, mark levin, who ranted about these wiretaps on his radio show. it was then written up by breitbart as "mark levin to congress: investigate obama's 'silent coup' versus trump." it's the worst kind of coup -- silent but deadly. ( laughter ) so faced with zero evidence, the trump team did the only logical thing and called for an investigation. secretary and man using a coupon on his first date, sean spicer,
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took to twitter to demand that the intelligence committees in congress investigate trump's charges, adding: "neither the white house nor the president will comment further until such oversight is conducted." so now they're not going to comment on the bad thing they made up? "mr. johnson, you have herpes, or at least you might -- we haven't run any tests further comment." ( laughter ) and the craziest thing about trump calling for an investigation without any evidence is that it actually worked. congress is going to investigate trump's wiretapping claim. so that's it. from now on, we have to take all of trump's allegations seriously. "just heard bad-- or sick-- obama hiding under my bed. #oboogeyman" ( applause ) that is scary. that is spooky.
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>> jon: wow, hiding under the bed? >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: so why did trump do it? apparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, jeff sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. so trump's staff did whatever they could to calm him down. one white house official even said, "they tried to put trump in a better mood by going over their implementation plans for the travel ban." look at the shiny travel baaannnn! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) does this big angry man want to split up some muslim families? i see a smile! i see a smile! ( laughter ) i hope he doesn't think i'm speaking arabic right now. ( nonsensical noises )
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i'm not. but it turns out that nobody's better at pleasuring trump than himself. because after his obama tweetstorm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. well, we want to do our part to make the man with the nuclear codes calm, so my news channel, real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations. >> welcome to real news tonight. our top story, incredibly true allegations about barack obama. trump used his giant brain to figure out the fake president obama illegally wire tapped the very famous trump tower, like a sick pervert. a loser move. >> that's right. in a scandal everyone is calling watergate times a million, say it proves the crime was committed by obama, a muslim
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born in space. >> bad. the wiretaps didn't find anything incriminating if you were worried. trump is so, so good. yeah, so very good. >> next, arnold schwarzenegger has a very small penis. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's real news! >> jon: that's real news. >> stephen: they couldn't say that. we have a big show tonight. when we get back, i'll explain russia problems. stick around!
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) you have a nice weekend, jon? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: house o how was your weekend? >> jon: great! just chillin'. house of yours? >> stephen: buell. you know, the president's weekend tweet-storm felt like whiplash because, again, four days before, trump gave a speech to congress people called "presidential" because, like a president, he spoke in complete sentences and did not attack alec baldwin. ( laughter ) a lot of people thought that it was the start of a new era for trump. >> i feel like, tonight, donald trump became the president of the united states. >> stephen: yes, that night,
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donald trump became president. then, four days later, the president became donald trump again. so it was a full moon or something. ( laughter ) so why did he go from statesmanlike orator to captain twitter-bananas? a lot of people say it was to distract from recent bad press. he does it all the time. he's like a magician, misdirecting your attention with slight of hand. and we know trump has the slightest of hands. it's true! it's true! but the trick is, yes, it's a distraction, but what is the president trying to distract us from this time? to find out, we turn to the late show figure-it-out-a-tron. bring 'er out, boys! ( cheers and applause ) there you go! thank you so much!
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oh, the people cannot get enough of the figure-it-out-a-thon. that is clear. ( laughter ) down here we have donald trump, the man creating the distraction. up here, vladimir putin, the man he doesn't want to be connected to. here, we've got a list of things that have happened in the last year. so let's see how many of these connect trump to putin. putin will be symbolized with a p. first up, former campaign manager paul manafort, who had to step down when it came out he was paid $12 million by the pro-russian puppet government of ukraine -- or, as trump would call it, "negotiating a great, great deal for the people of ukrainia." ( laughter ) okay? that's a clear p. okay? let's see, next up, the fact michael flynn met with the russian ambassador.
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that gets a p! jeff sessions did too, that's a p! plus, all of the major intelligence agencies agree that russia tried to influence the election for trump. fbi, cia, nsa - p, p, p! there's just so much p- which stands for putin! and these putin p's are all raining down directly on donald trump. everywhere! everywhere! and let's not forget the wikileaks and the administration leaks-- the leaks are all over trump! all these p haves are coming down on putin here. all coming down on trump. so much p, so many ps! he is drowning in p! ( laughter ) ( applause ) which, again, stands for "putin." there is the answer, folks. just drink it in. ( laughter )
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president trump had better watch out, or this could really leave a stain on his legacy. we'll be right back with anderson cooper. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. we have this need to peek over our neighbor's fence. and once we do, we see wonder waiting. every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds.
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( band playing ) all right. so, anderson, hi, good to see you again. >> hello. always nice to follow a rain of p. >> stephen: we have to follow the stories any way we can. >> you guise are doing real news. >> stephen: thank you very much. did you see real news tonight? don't try to steal them for cnn. you guys are the fake news. >> the original fake news, according to the president. >> stephen: we'll get to that in just a moment and your fakeness. but house of your weekend? >> my weekend, you know, it was fine. it was weird, though. the president started tweeting at $650 something, a.m. >> stephen: 6:35. yeah. ( laughter ) i had flown to phoenix, and i have actually muted the president on twitter.
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>> stephen: you can do that? yeah. you know when you get annoying people tweeting you, you don't want to delete because that tells them you deleted them. if you just mute them, they think you're still following them and you don't actually see their tweets. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: then the tweets can get backed up and you get an infection. ( laughter ) so, you muted him. >> i muted him. i go to phoenix. i was spending all weekend working on this story. i wasn't aware of all that was going on. i get back sunday and finally turn on my phone again and i'm like, what the -- what?! what?! and arnold schwarzenegger, too? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i just want to point out you are a real news man. i watch you every night. i believe your work. i believe you report the news in a very fair way and accurately, and you just said that you mute
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the president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) what he says, which leads to my next question -- >> i mean, look, i have people following him so they tell me -- i just don't want to have that drama in my life. >> stephen: that drama! you have to accept that he's president. >> of course, i do. i have great respect for the president, i just don't need to follow him on twitter. >> stephen: you wouldn't have muted ike. >> listen, i have friends with main. i can't i don't want them to have my private line and be able to call me. i don't want the ups and downs in my life. i want to be callum. >> stephen: i don't think i have that. >> no one actually does have it. >> stephen: so how do you as newsman, a correspondent for "60 minutes," as it were -- had the to throw "60 minutes" in
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there. you can't just say i was in phoenix. i was in phoenix for "60 minutes." yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how do you judge on what to report on? there is more basis to the schwarzenegger tweet than the obama tweet, why isn't the schwarzenegger bigger news? >> i guess his ratings were not as big as donald trump's were. >> stephen: grea sad end to a gt show. >> saddish sad. ( laughter ) the reporting on the tweets, i think it's a large distraction, i think that's clearly part of what he was doing. >> stephen: is it pure distraction? >> no, it's like a seismograph, this is like a real-time seismograph of the inner workings of the president's head and it's fascinating. an emotional size mo grasp. he's like a live wire of
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emotion. we had to wait for decades to hear nixon on tapes. we hear donald trump realtime. usually people try to keep the president cloistered and not before the public at all times. he breaks through. >> stephen: whoever pries the the phone out of his hands takes saturday off. >> the "the washington post" wrote an article you quoted at the beginning of the show and part that i found funny is you quoted a part where the president said afterward he felt better later on in the day. it actually talked about him need ago release. he gets angry, it builds up, needs a release, feels better, then gets angry, then needs a release -- there are many other forms of release. >> stephen: doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs. >> yeah, well, there are things you can do. >> stephen: i wouldn't know,
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anderson. hands are too small. ( laughter ) let's get to the fake news thing. say what you will about cnn, over the years, it's not like you were raving there. >> we're fair and accurate. >> stephen: balanced? i believe that's trademarked. >> stephen: are you surprised you guys are the bad guys as opposed to msnbc? >> the thing, is donald trump watches cnn, which is why he talks about it so much because he actually watches it and even when he's railing against it, he's watching it. i've had him watch my show and tweet about people i'm interviewing while i'm interviewing him. oh, that guy is a joke anderson cooper is interviewing, what a
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waste. things like that while you're interviewing. >> stephen: surprised he said that. i've never been on your show. ( laughter ) ( applause )3 you know, what about -- does that change the way you report your show, knowing the president is watching you guys at cnn, do you try to get a rise out of him? >> no, you do your job. you want to be tough and -- i mean, look, i didn't have a great relationship with the obama white house. i used to interview president obama on the campaign trail, before he became president. i spent two months in new orleans doing the b.p. oil spill, and the white house stopped talking to me for years. so i didn't have great relationship, i didn't veally have any relationship. i also don't want to have a relationship with these people. i interviewed kellyanne conway a couple of weeks ago. probably maybe my last interview with her ever, i don't know. ( cheers and applause ) no, i'm not saying anything bad about her, i'm just saying i
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haven't interviewed her sense. it was supposed to be a 12 minute interview and ended up being 26 minutes. at one point in the interview, she said to me, we may have to re-think the relationship we have. i was, like, we don't have a relationship. i respect you and stuff, but i don't want to have a relationship with you. i don't want to be friends. i don't want to hang out. i don't believe reporters should be going to parties at the white house. >> stephen: what about the correspondents dinner? >> i went once, i'll never go again. >> stephen: when? when i first got to cnn. you know. >> stephen: i think it's great. it was a wonderful night, people ready to laugh. >> right, exactly. that's the thing. for comedians, it's got to be awful. it's like the worst bar mitzvah party you have been so and there is tough to get so you have to wait to get into the party. >> stephen: let's break real news here. you tweeted this -- this is
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where were you and why wasn't i invited? >> i instagramed this observe my vacation. i was in myanmar at an elephant sanctuary. it was my vladimir putin moment. i was washing an old elephant. >> stephen: exactly. putin's only on a horse. you're on an elephant. >> i wanted to one-up putin. it was an elephant sanctuary. it was elephants who have been abused in the timber trade their whole lives. you get to eat them and -- not eat them -- you get to feed them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we just made some news. anderson, thank you so much for being here. "anderson cooper 360" airs week nights on cnn! back with judd apatow! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest wrote and directed "the 40-year-old virgin" and "knocked up." he's now executive producing pretty much everything on tv, including netflix's "love." >> how often do you think that happens -- like, really happens? >> women marrying old help for money? >> yeah. every 15 seconds. no! mmm, you think jerry hall married rupert murdoch because she loves him? >> yeah, i believe she loves him. >> he's living on borrowed time and she knows him. >> he's probably a cool guy, smart, charming, witty. >> you're making a pro rupert murdoch argument now.
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>> if rupert murdoch didn't exist, there wouldn't be "the simpsons." >> i'm willing to live with that. >> stephen: please welcome judd apatow! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hello, judd apatow. >> good to be here. >> stephen: how are you? i don't know, how do you feel about the suit? >> stephen: very nice. ( cheers and applause ) do you normally not suit it up? >> i can't tell what this says about me. who am i? >> stephen: well, the spread collar and the half windsor usually says english to me. >> yes. >> stephen: the spread collar says english. >> i said, could you give mo mea jew knot. >> stephen: really? i'm not english! ( laughter ) >> stephen: did someone tie it for you. >> i guess they did. it's a whole new knot. >> stephen: do you have a
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valet back stage? >> it's one of your people. >> stephen: why wouldn't you have a team? you look fantastic. this is lovely material. >> i'm all about the fangs. you know me. >> stephen: you know who looks lovely in a suit is anderson cooper. did you see him backstage? >> i did. he interviewed me for "60 minutes." it hurt me. >> stephen: why did it hurt you? that's an honor. >> it was. but i felt like it was my moment. i thought, i'll interview you in your diner, and the people would be honored to meet, anderson cooper! lte go to your high school! >> stephen: he's very shiny. the silver surfer. ( laughter ) you have a long-standing love of late night. >> yes. >> stephen: this is the third time you have been here in a month i had your lovely wife on.
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and pete. >> yes. >> stephen: and you're here both times and now you're here. do you just love being at the shows? >> i love lurking around here. >> stephen: this is a nice place to lurk. not every showhouse a real backstage. they have a alway but this is a theater, we actually have a backstage. >> it's friendly here. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. i was a comedy nerd. you have the dream of hanging out backstage when you were a kid. >> stephen: oh, yeah. o i actually do it. i've made it enough to hang out backstage at "the late show" and eat your muffins by melissa or whatever. you have so much unhealthy food there. >> stephen: i think it's carol. >> if i said it right, i would have gotten free crap. damn it! >> stephen: now, you -- i was watching the oscars a couple of weeks ago and the camera was constantly shooting to you and your lovely wife. >> and they're right up on your face. when you see people in the
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oscars reacting they know they're on camera because there is someone right there so the whole show you have to be like -- you have to look like you care about everybody. >> stephen: you do, though. i don't. i hadn't seen every movies and i was surrounded by everybody who was up for everything and i was, like, you did great work this year. >> stephen: did you get any of the candy? >> i did not, which i was furious about. >> stephen: you were there. yeah. >> stephen: what was it like to be in the room for moonlight-gate? what was the vibe? >> i could tell you the vibe at the parking valet because i left. >> stephen: before best movie? i'm all about missing the traffic in every situation. ( cheers and applause ) you know? >> stephen: that's fair enough. >> if pop star is not up for best picture i'm leaving for the
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parking valet. i'm leaving early for the super bowl. i'll leave "hamilton" early. i don't care. >> stephen: he dice. i don't want to ruin anything for you. >> spoiler! >> stephen: you have two lovely daughters. >> i do. >> stephen: are you one of the cool dads who bring you to the fancy things? >> no. >> stephen: i do. my ten-year-old went to the emmys. he said to me on the red carpet, you didn't tell me it was fun! >> he thought it was fun! >> stephen: he thought it was totally fun. ten is the top that you can be and still think it's fun. >> my kids don't like anything. they're not interested. >> stephen: with you or anything? >> this is how spoiled my kids are. they met taylor swift three times. i'll take them to taylor swift concerts, try to pull favor, and i hold it over their heads. if they give me a hard time, i tell them, you be quiet!
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you met taylor swift three times! if you give me any trouble, you cannot meet tammy and i will downgrade that to a megan traynor right now! traynor right now! >> stephen: they are lovely, talented women, weld on the show at anytime. >> it's more about the funny sounding name. >> stephen: the cool dad. i took my daughter to the grammys when she was 14. i was cool for 24 hours. >> my daughter who is 14, i drive her too school, she looks out the window, won't talk, puts the music on. i try to talk to her. i'm, like, hey, what's going on in school today? she's, like, dad! you know it's my pet peeve to talk when the music's on. >> stephen: are the others
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nice to you. >> they have a special connection being a female. i live with three wernlings which is three ages of the same woman, right? so they talk about, you know, curling their hair and they have all these things in common, thousand deal with their eyebrows and stuff. i always try to get in it but i can't because i'm a man and i'm, like, is it okay to pop a zit on a testicle? ( laughter ) i'm trying to connect! >> stephen: and you say they don't want you to talk to them! ( laughter ) well, while we've got you here, is there anything else you do? you do every project in the world. anything else you want to plug while you're here? >> i don't think i have any plugs. >> stephen: you got girls, you got crashing, love, movie?
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>> "the big sick." >> stephen: you have a show. tandup in the ryman auditorium. >> stephen: how come i know your career better than you. >> i'm at largo 21. >> stephen: okay, that's enough. judd apatow, everybody! back with jidenna! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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is thno, it's, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. you really wouldn't like it. it's got caramel and crunchy stuff. i like caramel and crunchy stuff. breyers gelato indulgences. it's way beyond ice cream.
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>> stephen: here performing, "bambi" ladies and gentlemen jidenna! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware ♪ oh bambi i won't lie if i weren't in this spider web ♪ of mine if grandfather never had seven ♪ wives
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then darling you would be love ♪ of my life oh bambi it's my design ♪ to run the jungle i must be a lion ♪ or be a cheetah but neither is fine ♪ don't wanna hurt my dear love of my life ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware ♪ sometimes i hide when you facetime i text you ♪ back a lie¡ cause i'm afraid to look back ♪ in your eyes i'm terrified you were love of ♪ my life
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the women among the tribe ♪ they will be jealous of this lullaby ♪ i'll drink alone in my hotel and cry ♪ ¡cause now they know you are love of my life ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware ♪ i wish that we were forever young ♪ i always knew that this day would come ♪ the fork in the road where i cannot run ♪ between loving many and loving one ♪ i got the wedding invitation bambi ♪ i'm happy that he wants to make a family
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♪ but i cannot promise i won't run up in the church there ♪ screamin' your name bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware ♪ sometimes i hide when you facetime i text you ♪ back a lie¡ cause i'm afraid to look back ♪ in your eyes
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i'm terrified you were love of ♪ my life ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near for ♪ there's lions beware >> stephen: his album, "the chief" is out now! jidenna, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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theseare heading back home.y oil thanks to dawn, rescue workers only trust dawn, because it's tough on grease yet gentle. i am home, i am home, i am home my belly pain i could build a small city with all the over-the-counter products i've used. enough! i've tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. i've climbed a mount everest of fiber. probiotics? enough! (avo) if you've had enough, tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. do not give linzess to children under six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. it may harm them. don't take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools.
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the most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. if it's severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. other side effects include gas, stomach-area pain and swelling. talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms proactively with linzess.
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( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kevin kline, jerrod carmichael, and general michael hayden. now stick around for james corden and his guests, patrick stewart, rupert grint, and dan stevens. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun
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♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the
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