Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 7, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EST

11:35 pm
captioning sponsored by cbs >> if you're traveling soon, don't be surprised if you notice airport screeners giving you a more rigorous pat-down. the t.s.a. is implementing more thorough searches. according to reports, the contact may feel a bit more intimate than before. >> excuse me, sir. would you mind stepping over here. >> is everything okay? >> oh, yeah, i just saw you standing by the metal detector and wanted to get to know you better. has anybody ever told you, you have beautiful eyes. they don't seem like the eyes of a terrorist, do they? >> no, i left my briefcase and computer-- >> shhh! where you headed? oh, let me guess, tennessee.
11:36 pm
because you're the only 10 i see. >> actually, st. louis ♪ ♪ oh, i love this song. dance with me. what? >> come ( laughter ) nice dance. >> i gotta go. >> sure, we had a great time, didn't we? oh, just one more thing. bend over. i'm going to stick my hand up your butt. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes kevin kline jerrod carmichael. and general michael hayden. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
11:37 pm
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! wooo! hey, chris! ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: hey! yeah! >> stephen: welcome-- hey, everybody. welcome to "the late show"." i'm stephen colbert. well, it's finally here. after six years of trying, last night the republicans finally unveiled their healthcare plan. then, out of force of habit, they voted to repeal it. ( laughter ) now, there are some things there are some things they're keeping from obamacare: kids staying on their parents' healthcare until they're 26. ( cheers and applause ) insurance companies can't discriminate because of pre-existing conditions. ( cheers and applause )
11:38 pm
grandma will still be murdered by death panels while nancy pelosi cackles from her skybox. >> audience: booo! >> stephen: no cheer for that? okay. oh, there's one other thing they're keeping from obamacare: nobody likes it. conservatives are calling it "obamacare lite." great taste, less coverage, ( laughter ) ( applause ) while-- meanwhile-- see, that's the conservatives. conservatives don't care for it. meanwhile democrats are unhappy because experts estimate this will cover 20 million fewer americans than obamacare. >> audience: boooo! >> stephen: pretty rough. 20 million fewer than obama. that sounds like trump's inauguration. ( cheers and applause ) i'm honored. speaking of which-- this is true-- because of a
11:39 pm
freedom of information request, the parks service were forced to release all of the photos they took at trump's inauguration, before we were only seeing part of the photo. we weren't seeing everything from the capitol to the washington monument. the photos came out today. and it's worse than trump feared. jim, can we put it up next to obama's? here's obama, and here's trump. that-- that really looks like the before-and- after photos in an ad for orkin. the point is, 20 million is a lot of people without health insurance. i don't know anybody who would be happy about that. ♪ ♪ oh, yeah, all right, all right, go on, that's enough. go on. i will see you-- i will see you in 70 years! ( laughter ) he's a good guy. you'd like him. where was i? oh, yeah, we're all going to
11:40 pm
die. ( laughter ) one of the other differences is that trumpcare replaces federal insurance subsidies with tax credits. so everything's going to be fine, but you're going to have your colonoscopy at h&r block ( laughter ) now, i can imagine what a lot of you out there-- you guys out there, i'm sure, and everybody out there is worrying. you're saying to yourself: "how is this going to affect super wealthy insurance company executives?" well, good news, the plan includes a tax break for insurance company executives making over $500,000 a year. ( audience booing ) so all of them? ( laughter ) speaking of taxes, the bill also repeals the 10% tax on indoor tanning. oh, good. donald trump can finally go the full tandoori. ( laughter ) ( applause ) oh, his meat. so juicy. >> jon: a little tandoori chicken. >> stephen: his meat is going to fall right off the bone.
11:41 pm
yogurt sauce, fantastic. and then there's the weird fact that in a 66-page document, that's what they released, a 66-page plan-- seven of those pages are about denying medicaid to lottery winners. over 10% of it is just about denying medicaid to lottery winners, which is shocking. if anything, trump should empathize with people who were handed a bunch of money they didn't earn. ( cheers and applause ) he was born-- he was born with a lotto ticket in his hand. >> jon: that was nice. >> stephen: now, for fiscal conservatives, the most important thing is what will this all cost? well, the numbers in, and it's approximately 3.4, we have no (bleep) ideas, because the republicans released this bill without estimates of its cost from the congressional budget
11:42 pm
office. so the bill will be like those fancy restaurants where they don't have what it costs on the menu. "hmm, what's the heart surgery? market price. i'll just stuff my chest cavity with bread. thank you." republicans defended the plan. here's oregon congressman greg walden: >> we're like the ambulance crew that showed up at the scene of the wreck. we're here to clean up the mess and heal the patients. >> stephen: that's not quite it. it's more like an ambulance crew that hates the previous ambulance crew so much that they rip the patients out of that ambulance and put them in their own ambulance, which they are still building. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) now, the burden of these changes falls mostly on the working poor, who got some advice from utah congressman and captain of the bad team from "the mighty ducks"-- jason chaffetz. >> and you know what?
11:43 pm
americans have choices, and they've got to make a choice. and so maybe rather than getting that new iphone that they just love and want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest in their own health care. >> stephen: yeah, the average cost of health insurance for a family is $25,000 so, poor folks, just stop buying 33 iphones every year. ( laughter ) it's that simple. ( applause ) iphone fans. big iphone fans. and today, sean spicer answered questions about trumpcare at the daily white house show-and-tell. >> these over 974 pages that were passed, and then we were told we had to read them. our plan, in far fewer pages, 123, much smaller, much bigger. look at the size. this is the democrats. this is us. there is-- i mean, you can't get any clearer in terms of this is government. this is not.
11:44 pm
>> stephen: yes. when it comes to writing anything down, shorter is always better. that's why "moby dick" is much, much worse than the instruction book that comes with your rice cooker. ( laughter ) look, if shorter is better, why not just a one-age plan that just says, "walk it off." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ walk it off >> stephen, of course, the other big story today is that trump's b.f.f.s over at wikileaks took a wikidump on the c.i.a. they released 8,000 pages of documents detailing the agency's cyber-spying powers, proving the c.i.a. is capable of anything, except keeping a secret. ( laughter ) and you know who i want to talk to about this? general michael hayden who will be on here later in the show. he was in the c.i.a. and n.s.a. he'll have a thing or two to say
11:45 pm
about this and the whole thing, the trump thing, too. there are some crazy revelation in addition this wikileaks dump. the c.i.a. apparently has a program code named "weeping angel," which uses samsung smart televisions as covert listening devices. even when they appear to be turned off, the tv could be recording conversations in the room and sending them to a c.i.a. server. oh, my god. this is true-- i have all samsung tvs in my house. and that means the cia has hundreds of hours of me looking for the remote. where is it? what is-- where is it? where is it! who took it? who took it! who took it to the kitchen! i also watch nude, so they're getting a great shot here. who took-- >> jon: the moon. >> stephen: that joke is based on a true story. and don't think just because you
11:46 pm
victim antivirus or protection software you are safe. because one of the wikileaked documents describes a flaw in security software made by the company comodo as "a gaping hole of doom." ( laughter ) which i believe is also what the republicans are calling their obamacare replacement. chopper cheaper speaking-- >> jon: that's a great call. >> stephen: meanwhile, the white house reopened for tours today for the first time since the inauguration, and one tour group was surprised with an appearance by donald trump! hi-ya! who's your favorite clown? hey, yay! he learned that-- this move-- this move right there, ya! he learned that move-- he learned that move from the
11:47 pm
dressing rooms of the miss u.s.a. pageant. who's naked! ( cheers and applause ) that joke is also based on a true story. ( laughter ) sad to say. and roll this again, jimmy. look at whose painting he's standing in front of-- hillary clinton. wow. ( cheers and applause ) that is awkward. apparently, presidential portraits are commissioned based on the popular vote. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: he's coming out swinging! >> stephen: now, while he was there, the president singled out one young member of the tour for a pat on the back, hopefully, inspiring that young man to believe that one day he, too, could grow up to do anything for attention.
11:48 pm
we've got a great show for you tonight. kevin kline is here. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) liberty mutual stood with me when i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. i just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. my insurance company definitely doesn't have that... you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ liberty mutual insurance ♪ ♪ so tasty. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
we can't stay here! why? terrible toilet paper! i'll never get clean! way ahead of you. charmin ultra strong. it cleans better. it's four times stronger... ...and you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin.
11:51 pm
ever wonder why they leave? the abuse. the mistreatment.
11:52 pm
the humiliation. it's time to treat them better. introducing tide pods plus downy. treat all your clothes better with tide pods plus downy. if it's gotta be clean, it's gotta be tide. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: give it up for jon batiste and stay human. i'm going to do it right now. i'm going to do it right now. what's going on? you know what, i'm going to stay here? i can just stay here? thanks, everybody. i like it right here. i'm going to do this next act right here. okay, here we go. hey, guys, do you remember hud secretary ben carson, dr. ben carson, that guy?
11:53 pm
ben carson gave his first address to the housing and urban development yesterday. it could have gone better, especially when he talked about immigrants. >> that's what america is about-- a land of dreams and opportunity. there were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships, worked even longer, even harder, for less. >> stephen: yes, you heard him right. ben carson thinks slaves were immigrants, and the jews in egypt were "pyramid interns." i think. i've got to read the bible. i've got to read the bible. lucrative pyramid interns." i think it's unfair that everyone's dwelling on this one gaffe of carson's, because the rest of carson's speech was a gaffe-hole of doom. first, carson drew upon his experience as a brain surgeon to elighten the crowd on the complexities of the mind. >> every human being, regardless
11:54 pm
of their ethnicities or their background, they have a brain, the human brain. ( laughter ) >> stephen: ben carson just blew my mind. ( laughter ) ( applause ) my human mind. ( cheers ) ( applause ) then carson explained the ethical challenges of being a brain surgeon. >> and, you know, with a kid, you can operate for 10, 12, 18, 20 hours, and if you're successful, your reward may be 50, 60, 70, 80 years of life. whereas, with an old geezer, you spent all that time operating, and they die in five years, or something else. so i like to get a big return on my investment.
11:55 pm
>> stephen: well, that finally explains carson's campaign slogan, "let the geezers die." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- we know who's going to be heading up the new death panels. but carson's journey into the mouth of madness continued. >> i could take the oldest person here, make a little hole right here on the side of the head, and put some depth electrodes into their hippocampus and stimulate. and they would be able to recite back to you, verbatim, a book they read 60 years ago. >> stephen: "in conclusion, my department adjudicates housing discrimination." you could drill a hole in my head and put, like, a power cable in there, and i could not tell you what the (bleep) he is talking about. ( laughter ) stick around. we'll be right back with kevin kline.
11:56 pm
♪ ♪ ( applause ) my belly pain and constipation? i could build a small city with all the over-the-counter products i've used. enough! i've tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. i've climbed a mount everest of fiber. probiotics? enough! (avo) if you've had enough, tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. do not give linzess to children under six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. it may harm them. don't take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. the most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. if it's severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. other side effects include gas, stomach-area pain and swelling. talk to your doctor about
11:57 pm
managing your symptoms proactively with linzess. chevy ireally...t awarded car company three years in a row. let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelly blue book 2016 best resale value... 2016 j.d. power highest quality breaking... ack. 10 best blah blah blah 2015... only about 90 more to go! that's a lot of awards! now through march 13, get 20% below msrp on all 2017 spark, impala and sonic models. that's over $8,000 on this chevy impala. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. thewhen i make it,ato. there is a lot of love. there is a layer of vanilla, and then your layer of milk, and then your espresso shots at the top, and the very, very tip top layer is the caramel. it's heaven. ♪
11:58 pm
11:59 pm
12:00 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show. ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight has won an oscar and mulitple tonys. he's now starring in disney's "beauty on the beast" and on broadway in "present laughter." please welcome, kevin kline! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
12:01 am
>> stephen: i didn't know you were a dairy farmer, because i've never seen an audience milked that hard. that was beautiful. you know what you have? you have a rare thing, you have comedic dignity. >> dignity? >> stephen: there's dignity associated with kevin kline. >> dignity? >> stephen: what did you think i say dignity? >> i find dignity rather amusician, usually. when it's not earned. >> stephen: it might be-- it might be the little mustache. >> just coming in for the show i'm doing on broadway. >> stephen: that's not fully in yet? >> oh, no. ( laughter ) i just started it a couple of days ago. >> stephen: now, it's-- that would take me six months. that would take me six months to do. that's yi asked. i don't produce testosterone anymore. >> no. >> stephen: oh, no, no. >> but you can get it.
12:02 am
>> stephen: i gave it up for lent. you're back on broadway. how long since you've been on broadway? >> they tell me 10 years but i think it's only nine. >> stephen: what is the last thing you did. >> senioro deberks rgerak. >> stephen: now you're in "present laughter," a noel coward play. i know noel coward's musicals but i don't know his plays. what is it about? >> it's about an actor, an actor who has been spoiled quite rotten by his tremendous success and celebrity, and it's about celebrity culture, and he's howppedded by fans and playwrights who want him to do their plays. he's going through a very difficult sort of identity crisis about "do i hate all this adoration or i do crave it?" and the answer is yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: can you relate? you can relate? >> no, it's quite a stretch for
12:03 am
me. ( laughter ) no, i think every actor has-- i don't-- well, ever actor that i know-- no, i'm speaking on behalf of all actors everywhere in the world -- >> stephen: do, speak for all actors. >> okay, i'll say this -- >> stephen: they're needy. ( laughter ). >> there are certain things that come with the territory, with the job-- insecurities, over-securities, over-praise leads to-- well, in many walks of life. when you become iconic or really famous or really celebrated it can go to one's head. >> stephen: right. >> and one can -- >> stephen: run for president. ( cheers and applause ) your character is going through a midlife crisis? have you experienced a midlife crisis? or are you still looking forward to that? ( laughter ). >> i think i'm about to have one. ( laughter ) i may have-- i may have sort of
12:04 am
anticipated it by marrying a beautiful, intelligent woman who is several years my junior. and so -- >> stephen: phoebe caits. the talented phoebe caits. exactly. by "several" how many is several? >> who's counting? probably 14, 15. >> stephen: 16. >> all right, 16, fine. all right, 16. >> stephen: nice work if you can get it. now, you have-- you have-- you have children together. your daughter is a hipster musician in a band called frankie cosmos. >> not a hipster. >> stephen: my researcher says hipster musician. she wouldn't like that? how would you describe her music, not hipster? >> post-hipster? >> stephen: post-hipster? i didn't realize that was something idea yt. >> she sings beautifully. she writes beautiful songs. >> stephen: there was a-- "the new york times" review of the show said there was a man there
12:05 am
who look aid lot like mr. klein in the back of the room filming and was seemingly miffed at some ram bunkous loud talkers at the bar. so you were the dad going,"shut up! she's playing!" it's not a school recital. it's a bar. ( cheers and applause ). >> but you know-- it's not carnegie hall, i know. but she's singing. shut up! you know -- >> stephen: you're a musician yourself, right? >> i was. >> stephen: you was? >> i was. you-- you-- ( laughter ) is. i still is. >> stephen: another good. is that your fallback position? >> it's always-- i've always thought of it as that. when i fall back i can always be a really mediocre pianist. notwithstanding that, yeah, these guys were talking, as they do. but there was a performer performing. so i-- i just kind of glared at them, and they couldn't have
12:06 am
been lesimpressed. ( laughter ) like people talk on cell phones, you know, on an airplane or something. that happened to me once, some guy just right across the aisle from me, this close, practically. >> stephen: on the phone. >> "you may use your cell phones now." "hey, listen, let me finish where we left off. we have to sell that thing! expwts he's yelling. and i'm looking at him like... ( laughter ) and occasionally he would be talking and our eyes would meet. and i'm like... "do you really think we're all interested in this conversation? we're not." >> stephen: he didn't look for a second-- he didn't say, "i'm being shamed into silence by kevin kline. >> i tried like hell to shame him. and he said,"by the way, i'm a huge fan. i love all your work." and i couldn't be gracious. i couldn't say, "oh, aren't you sweet." i was like, i'm sorry to hear that because you're a loud, boorish, twit."
12:07 am
>> stephen: again, very dignified. >> always. >> stephen: the play, as i said before, is "present laughter" at the st. james theater here on broadway in new york. before we get going. ( cheers and applause ) would do you something for me? >> sure. >> stephen: would do you something for me? i work in a broadway theater but i never take a bow. i never take a bow. would you show me how to bow in a broadway theater? would you show me how to take a bow. ( cheers and applause ) what's the proper-- what's the proper way to bow? well, how do you bow? >> it all depends on how the show went. sometimes i'm very transparent. i'm like... ( laughter ) if it went poorly. if i didn't like it. >> stephen: do you grab hands. do you do the grab-hands thing? >> if it's one of those company things. and you go... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how do you get a standing "o"? i want a standing "o." how do you get at a standing "o"? >> there are actors who actually have been known to back on to the stage and start their
12:08 am
applause in the wings. >> stephen: like this. >> hidden in the wings. ( cheers and applause ) and then that's fake-- falsely humility ones. >> stephen: false humility. >> they come out and do this and they're like, "oh, no. me?" and then they start to leave-- "you're still here." ( applause ). >> stephen: how about this one. try this one for a standing "o." >> a standing "o." >> stephen: this is my standing "o" one. unless you have one? >> no, i'm out. >> stephen: ready? ( cheers and applause ) kevin kline! performances of "present laughter" begin this friday at the st. james theater. we'll be right back with jerrod carmichael.
12:09 am
as good as the network it's on. and verizon has been ranked number one for the 7th time in a row by rootmetrics. (man) hey, uh, what's rootmetrics? it's the nation's largest independent study and it ranked verizon #1 in call, text, data, speed and reliability. (woman) do they get a trophy? not that i know of. but you get unlimited done right. (man 2) why don't they get a trophy? (man 3) they should get something. (woman 2) how about a plaque? i have to drop this. my arm's getting really tired. unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just $45 per line.
12:10 am
does your makeup remover every kiss-proof,ff? cry-proof, stay-proof look? neutrogena® makeup remover does. it erases 99% of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. need any more proof than that? neutrogena. so this year, they're getting a whole lot more. box 365, the calendar. everyone knows my paperless, safe driver, and multi-car discounts, but they're about to see a whole new side of me.
12:11 am
heck, i can get you over $600 in savings. chop, chop. do i look like i've been hurt before? because i've been hurt before. um, actually your session is up. hang on. i call this next one "junior year abroad." um, actually your session is up. ♪
12:12 am
12:13 am
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. my next guest is a comedian best known for creating and starring in "the carmichael show." please welcome jerrod carmichael! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> oh, my goodness! what up? how are you, my man? good to see you guys. you guys are great. >> stephen: aren't they? >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: nice to see you again. you were here a year ago. >> yes. >> stephen: you were a sprightly 28. now you're a wizened 29, much wiser no doubt. >> can i tell you. >> stephen: please, do. >> today is crazy. >> stephen: today is crazy? >> it's a crazy day. >> stephen: for you? >> for all of us. and i'm surprised we're not
12:14 am
freak out right now. >> stephen: what happened? the c.i.a. is listening to us through, like, our phones. they can control our cars. they can-- that means -- >> stephen: our tvs. >> our tvs. >> stephen: they saw my butt. >> they saw it! >> stephen: yeah. >> that means that crazy uncle who, like, puts tape over his camera and tells you, "hey, the government's listening to us." we thought he was crazy. he's a (bleep) prophet. the man is a prophet ( applause ) it's insane. >> stephen: yeah, that's true. the word "paranoid," the word "paranoid" should be removed from the dictionary. because there's nothing you could say-- you go like, "yeah, it's not going to happen." >> is tupac still alive, stephen? is he. >> stephen: don't get my hopes up. don't play with me. >> pac-- is-- pacfyou're out there, keep your head up. ( cheers and applause ) that's my message to tupac. >> stephen: stay away from the tv. stay away from the tv.
12:15 am
>> but what else does this mean? >> stephen: what else does that mean? i heard-- general petraeus actually said in some recording they had of him when he got bust a couple of years ago, said your microwaves can listen to you. your microwave ovens can listen to you. so you're doing a hot pocket and they're like,"he likes pepperoni." >> stephen, that's exactly what that means. it means a few other compromises could be true. >> stephen: such as? >> i mean, i don't want to sound like a crazy person but dwe go to the moon? >> stephen: i'm pretty sure. >> but, but, given today's news of, like, all-- you can't trust the government. and i always-- i always inequality way, but having it confirmed is something new. it makes me a little nervous. i'm a little right now. i mean, everything-- it makes me realize that, like, america is, while beautiful, so incredibly (bleep) up. and i've just got to deal with that. >> stephen: yeah. >> it's hard to-- it's hard to
12:16 am
-- >> stephen: you have to love it, though. you have to steer into the (bleep). you have to steer do into it. keep breathing. it's all (bleep) together. >> together. >> stephen: my next guest after you, we have general michael hayden on here, who used to be the head of the nstay sai and c.i.a. i'm gog ask him all this stuff. do you have any questions you want me to ask him? >> i'm going to sit out here and do the phil donahue thing. i feel like we all have a lot of questions. you know what living in america is like? >> stephen: what is it like? >> it's like finding out your grandmother died while you're getting (bleep). ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: good night! ( cheers and applause ) now, i want you-- i want you to know something. i never knew my grandmother. ( laughter ) she died when i was very young.
12:17 am
>> okay. >> stephen: go on. go on. how so? ( laughter ) >> well, it's-- it's bittersweet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) like-- like -- >> stephen: that really does not encapsulate the scenario you described. "oh, this is bittersweet." >> i'll tell you why. this is what living in america is like. it's like-- it's like-- oh, man. oh, no, not grandma. but it still feels amazing. it's still the greatest thing. or maybe not. i don't know. i'm a little nervous right now. >> stephen: no, i apologize for questioning your analogy now. i'm so sorry. now, young man-- can i call you a young man? because you're young and you're a man. are you cool with that? >> fine. >> stephen: young man, last time you were here you said that trump had-- quote-- some interesting ideals. >> oh! >> stephen: yeah. what are the most interesting
12:18 am
ideas he has had so far since being president? and are they still interesting to you? >> interesting-- in the way that, like, when you find out your grandmother died. ( laughter ) you know -- >> stephen: it is interesting. it is interesting. >> you know what was fun bethat, i was thinking about thats, because they asked for a clip and i wanted to show the last time i was here. i knew trump was going to win for a while because you can't just eye don't, it's-- you. >> stephen: really did seem like-- >> i felt -- >> stephen: you really seemed like you were like, "it's going to ham." >> i'm on a different stage of grief, i feel like. you know what i mean. >> stephen: did nile, anger, depression, where are you. >> i'm like, "so dad cheated on mom? he's still a good guy." but i don't think trump's a good guy, i'm saying-- i'm saying-- no, no. i'm saying-- i'm at this place where it's like, man-- again, just accepting of america in all of its flaws and all of its,
12:19 am
like-- that's why i knew it. now, it's a lot of work to do now i think is what it basically means is that now-- we have to just-- i don't know. the interesting ideas become frightening. and now it's, like, time to actually get to work, and it's actually time to do something. so now my focus-- ( applause ) yeah, of course,. >> stephen: are you-- are you, like, politically involved? do you have a-- do you have a mission or do you have something you care about that you are working on? >> that's the thing, i gotta-- it's so much. i don't know where to start. where should i start. >> stephen: life is a full-time job, jerrod carmichael. >> do you care about. >> stephen: oh, i care about things like the government not watching my butt through my tv. >> but what do we do? that's the question. what do we do? >> stephen: keep your pants on. hold on now, you've got a new standup special called "8". where i can see it? >> hbo. >> stephen: premieres this saturday on hbo.
12:20 am
if you liked this interview-- dispi-- you will love the special. jerrod carmichael, everybody. we'll be right back with former c.i.a. director michael hayden. thanks, man. it's over. i've found a permanent escape from monotony. together, we are perfectly balanced. our senses awake. our hearts racing as one. i know this is sudden, but they say...if you love something set it free. see you around, giulia wecage-free eggs.ng and we care about amazing taste. because at hellmann's, we're on the side of food. un poquito mas rapido, no? [instrumental music playing hthroughout] [wheel squeaking]
12:21 am
beautiful bike, just beautiful. ha,ha,ha. [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [rain falling] [wheel squeaking] carlos! carlos! dr. brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] with 9 lobster dishes.est is back try succulent new lobster mix & match or see how sweet a lobster lover's dream can be. there's something for everyone and everyone's invited. so come in soon.
12:22 am
when they thought they should westart saving for retirement.le then we asked some older people when they actually did start saving. this gap between when we should start saving and when we actually do is one of the reasons why too many of us aren't prepared for retirement. just start as early as you can. it's going to pay off in the future.
12:23 am
if we all start saving a little more today, we'll all be better prepared tomorrow. prudential. bring your challenges. ♪ ♪
12:24 am
12:25 am
12:26 am
with new herbal essences bursting with argan oil of morocco and notes of jasmine sure to put more life in your hair and your head. new herbal essences let life in
12:27 am
♪ ♪ ( applause ) welcome back, everybody. folks here with me now is retired four-star general, former director of the c.i.a. and n.s.a., general michael hayden. thank you so much for being here. now, general, let's get straight to the heat of the meat here. on saturday morning, at 6:35 in the morning the president tweeted that barack obama wiretapped him in trump tower. >> right. >> stephen: is that possible? >> no. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now. okay. >> do you want more? >> stephen: how is that not possible? the united states has the power to wiretap. >> it does. >> stephen: and there are all these russian rumors. >> sure. >> stephen: about the trump campaign. why wouldn't the president do this? >> because in the 1970s, we took the authority to direct that action out of the hands of the president. and we put it in the hands of a federal governmenfederal court e
12:28 am
only part of the u.s. government, which has the authority, the only apartment of the u.s. government that can grant the authority to do that is a federal judge, and if i were to want to do that, as director of n.s.a., i'd have to go to the judge, and i'd v haveo prove to a level of probable cause that the intended target of the surveillance was either the agent of a foreign power or was involved in some sormt of criminal activity. >> stephen: so the president said that it happened. >> yes. >> stephen: that he found out that it exphapped that it's terrible and that obama is a bad or a sick guy, and he's called for an investigation. can the president just fiend out for himself that this happened? >> that's what i wondered what happened on saturday morning. he seemed-- ( laughter ) he seemed to have forgotten that he was the president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, every morning, i hope that it's just some terrible dream.
12:29 am
( applause ). >> there are only two tracks to do this, one for foreign intelligence purposes -- that's run by the intele guys, jim clapper, who has been on the news lately. >> stephen: and he has said it didn't happen. >> right. >> and the other guy over here who does it for counter-intelligence or law enforcement purpose is jim comb gle he&the rumor is he said it didn't happen. and he asked the justice department to put out a statement and say it didn't happen. >> what the president could have done is hit the switch on the phone say, "get me comey, get me want acting director of national intelligence, have them down here for lunch. i have a question." and he could simply ask them and get a response but he didn't do that. he decided to tweet out the allegation as if it was fact. >> stephen: now should, in your opinion, should the president be tweetin tweeting t? ( laughter ). >> no. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: if it were true-- if it were true fit were true that the president-- the
12:30 am
previous president, obama-- had used through some governmental mechanism something criminal-- >> which is why we took the power away from the president in the 1970. >> because nixon did this stuff. >> right. >> stephen: if this had happened, and even if it was because trump was being suspected of cooperating with the russians, colluding. >> sure. >> stephen: would he have somehow breached national security? would he have released classified information by doing that-- >> by the tweet? >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah, this is a really weird circumstance. the classification god in the american political system is the president. all right. so when the president decides to tweet something and make it public, it is in that action no longer classified. remember back in the nixon era when he said, "when the president does it, it's not illegal?" >> stephen: yes. >> this is one instance where that's right. >> stephen: the minute he
12:31 am
actually says it, any president-- >> any president. >> stephen: in this case trump tweeting-- it is unclassified. >> he has declassified it from the system. >> stephen: then why doesn't he declassify some fun stuffing, like area 51, or what happened to tupac. >> first of all, area 51 that's government property. that's all we're saying. >> stephen: okay. do you know-- do you know things that you can't tell me that i'd be fascinated to hear? >> yes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: dumb question. dumb question. you can give us even a hent? >> you can keep a secret? ( laughter ). >> stephen: turn off the cameras. i can keep a secret. >> me, too. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i stepped into that. i stepped into that. okay, let's talking about this. the russians did something, and we have recently found out that the american government is doing something. if wikileaks is to be believed. the latest dump from wikileaks says that the c.i.a. is looking at me and listening to me
12:32 am
through my tv-- i'm glad it's funny to you. ( laughter ) because it's kind of funny to me, too, but for different reasons. weeping angel is the name of the program where they're look through my tv. is the c.i.a. listening to me through my microwave ofen and through my tv and through my cell phone. are they dhoog, sir? >> no. >> stephen: if they were, would you say yes? >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is that a true answer? ( laughter ). >> yes. look, this -- >> stephen: i don't believe you. >> i get that a lot. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, okay? you can't tell me if it's true, right? >> no, i can tell you that these tools would not be used against an american. >> stephen: why not? why wouldn't they be used against an american? americans are the ones who buy samsung tvs. i have four samsung tvs? >> i've got them, actually, this afternoon-- this being an item of interest eye did some quick research, a nonscientific sample.
12:33 am
there are bad people in the world who have samsung tvs, too. so n.s.a. develops tools, c.i.a. develops tools that we can use. we just went through the drill about fisa and how you get a warrant and you have to go to a judge. that protects you and me, all u.s. citizens all the time. but there are people out there that you want us to spy on. you want us to have the ability to actually turn on that listening device inside the tv to learn that person's intentions. this is a wonderful capability. you give-- you give the intelligence community $53 billion a year. you ought to get something for your money. >> stephen: i've knot a get accountant. i don't actually give that much. ( laughter ) let me ask you this, so i shouldn't be worried about that kind of stuff? >> look, we're all americans. we're all disgustful of government. it's in our d.n.a. even the former director -- >> stephen: let me ask you this, do you, on your computer, put a piece of tape over the camera? >> no, i do not. >> stephen: you do not? >> i do not. >> stephen: i can't wait for
12:34 am
the tapes to come out. ( laughter ) well, director, thank you so much for being here. >> haip to be here. >> stephen: i could talk to you all night long because there's this metaphor about a grandmother dying. ( laughter ) that i'm not going to go into. thank you so much. the director has a book called "playing to the edge." it's available now in paperback. go get it! general michael hayden, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
12:35 am
my belly pain i could build a small city with all the over-the-counter products i've used. enough! i've tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. i've climbed a mount everest of fiber. probiotics? enough! (avo) if you've had enough, tell your doctor what you've tried and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. do not give linzess to children under six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. it may harm them. don't take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. the most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. if it's severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. other side effects include gas, stomach-area pain and swelling. talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms proactively with linzess.
12:36 am
12:37 am
late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be mark halperin and john heilman. now stick around for james corden and his guests, alec baldwin and kerry washington. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >>gi

105 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on