tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 31, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> i'm a con man! i'm a con man. i'm a con man. i love donald trump. i love donald trump. donald trump is a bad person. donald trump is a friend of putin. donald trump will not build a wall. donald trump manages to speak in front of an okay crowd. donald trump has small hands. >> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes amy schumer and gabourey sidibe. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: woooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's going on? >> jon: i see you! i see you! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. guess who's back? hillary clinton. ( cheers and applause ) she emerged from the woods. just this afternoon, she appeared here in new york at an event hosted by "women for women international." and the moderator, christiane amanpour, interviewed secretary clinton and asked her about the 2016 campaign. >> what do you imagine your election as the first female president of the united states might have said to the world and to the women of the world who were looking for validation, for
somebody to shatter that highest and hardest ceiling? >> oh, i think it would have been a really big deal. and i think that um... ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, it would have been a big deal. ( laughter ) but if "ifs" and "buts" were clusters of nuts, donald trump wouldn't be president. christiane amanpour spoke about sexism. >> you've just spoken eloquently about the sexism, the misogyny and inequity around the world, but do you believe it exists here still? and do you think-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: asking hillary clinton if sexism exists is like asking serena williams if she's heard of this tennis thing. she's aware of the situation. but the big news of the interview was that hillary clinton explained why she thinks she lost. >> but i was on the way to winning until the combination of
jim comey's letter on october 28 and russian wikileaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me. ask yourself this: within an hour or two of the "hollywood access" tape being made public, the russian theft of john podesta's emails hit wikileaks. what a coincidence. so, i mean, you just can't make this stuff up. >> stephen: actually, you can make up whatever you want. have you met our current president? he just-- he's like-- he's like stephen king. but hillary may have accidentally revealed why she really lost. >> you know, if the election had been on october 27, i'd be your president. and it wasn't. it was on october 28. >> stephen: no, it was on november 8, ma'am. that explains everything. "well, october 29 is here and i
am not president. i guess i'll just stop campaigning in michigan and wisconsin!" that's my impression of hillary, by the way. i would have worked on it more if i knew she was going to be back. ( laughter ) but at the end of the day, hillary clinton knows it wasn't comey or putin or ken bone-- remember that guy? she knows who's actually to blame for her loss. >> i take absolute personal responsibility. i was the candidate. i was the person who was on the ballot, and i am very aware of, you know, the challenges, the problems, the, you know, the shortfalls that we had. >> stephen: so she made mistakes, publicly recognized them, and owned up to her shortcomings. no wonder she lost. that's totally unpresidential. but i'll say this, the presidential campaign was so brutal-- remember, long, brutal?
one of the nice things about having trump in office is knowing that it's all behind us. >> the countdown to 2020 is already on. >> stephen: today, president trump out with his first campaign ad, the earliest one that has ever aired in a first term. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: kill me. now, listen, this is very important. i have a message for our president-- no new elections until you finish your wars. ( laughter ) now keep in mind, this is really a campaign ad. when i first saw this, i said, "you have to be kidding." it was an actual campaign ad put out by "donald j. trump for president." let's take a look. >> donald trump, sworn in as president 100 days ago.
>> stephen: okay, quick fact check on the first sentence. the ad came out yesterday, which means trump was sworn in to office 102 days ago. or as trump would put it: "my first 100 days had more days than any other president." ( laughter ) we packed them in. extra, okay? we sprinkled a few on top. that's comp. we're comping those last two days." ( laughter ) they did manage to fit all of trump's accomplishments into the 15 seconds. >> a respected supreme court justice confirmed. companies investing in american jobs again. america becoming more energy independent. regulations that kill american american jobs eliminated. the biggest tax cut plan in history. >> stephen: see what he did there? they didn't say it was the biggest tax cut in history. they said it was the biggest tax cut "plan" in history. anyone can do that watch: "i plan to cut everybody's taxes to 0%."
there, now i, stephen colbert, have the biggest tax cut "plan" in history. you're welcome, theoretically. ( laughter ) still, donald trump seems to think donald trump has done a lot. so why haven't i heard a lot about it? >> you wouldn't know it from watching the news. >> stephen: oh, yeah, you wouldn't know it from the fake news like "the new york times" and "the boston globe," which only get quoted in left-wing propaganda like this commercial. ( laughter ) okay, we're almost done. brace yourself. bring it home, trump ad. >> america is winning, and president trump is making america great again. >> i'm donald trump, and i approve this message. >> stephen: wow. could we see that heroic final pose? could we see that again, jim? wow, not only is he president. i think he's turning into he-man. "by the power of numb-skull!" ( cheers and applause )
well, he is the president of the united states, god bless him. and president trump had an official call with putin today. i hear the call was tense, but let's face it. that's how performance reviews usually go. ( laughter ) according to reports, according to reports, the two discussed "the prospect of coordinating russian and u.s. action." oh, i think you've been coordinating for a while. according to the kremlin, when discussing north korea, the president of russia called for restraint and an easing of tensions. you know things are bad when putin is the voice of restraint. "eh, donald maybe you could cool it with the tweets. it comes off as a little crazy." ( applause ) putin fans.
a lot of putin fans here tonight. ( laughter ) meanwhile here in america, the republicans in congress are attempting to repeal and replace obamacare again, but even though they've made another big push, they're on the verge of losing the health care vote. again? it's like losing this vote is some kind of pre-existing condition with these guys. moderate republicans are not voting for trumpcare because while it technically covers pre- existing conditions, it also allows states to apply for waivers that could greatly change the cost and quality of that coverage. so if you've got a pre-existing condition, you can technically get health care. you just might not be able to afford it. like how i can technically hire bruce springsteen to play my birthday party, but i can only afford brice stringstone. i love him. i love it when he plays "thunder load." ( laughter )
but yesterday, alabama representative mo brooks explained that trumpcare is just making insurance fairer. >> my understanding is that it will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool that helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives. they're healthy. you know, they have done the things to keep their bodies healthy. and right now those are the people who have done things the right way that are seeing their costs skyrocketing. >> stephen: so he's saying good people are healthy and bad people get sick. well, that's why brooks is going to put this on his tombstone-- "i had it coming." you're not alive. you must have done something. what did you do? what did you do? something. and trump's not just trying to undo obamacare.
he's also trying to undo obamalunch, because his administration is rolling back michelle obama's push for healthier school lunches. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: you could tell this was going to happen when they replaced her white house vegetable garden with a nacho bar. that looked good. you guys remember last month when trump ordered a missile strike on a syrian air base? it was the most violent assault on a runway not ordered by united airlines. ( applause ) it all-- it all-- friendly skies. it all went down while trump was dining at mar-a-lago with the president of china enjoying what trump described as the "most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen." which is why the mission's code name was "operation dessert storm." ( laughter ) could be a misspelling. could be a misspelling. ( applause )
well, we just got new details from commerce secretary and jeff dunham puppet gone rogue, wilbur ross. ( laughter ) secretary ross was speaking at a conference yesterday and joked that the airstrike "was in lieu of after-dinner entertainment." really? what was the planned after- dinner entertainment? busboys fighting in the thunderdome? steve bannon unhinging his jaw and swallowing reince priebus feet first? and ross continued his white collar comedy tour, saying, "the thing was, it didn't cost the president anything to have that entertainment." now, technically, yes, the missile strike was $82 million. but remember, that's funded by taxpayers. so, yeah, it didn't cost donald trump a dime. or did it? we'll never know.
oh what else? trump wants to be able to sue the press. he wants to be able to take lawsuits out against people who say things about him. in march, trump tweeted, "the failing @nytimes has disgraced the media world. got me wrong for two solid years. change libel laws?" of course, trump himself would never engage in libel. just ask crooked hillary or lyin' ted. there's only one problem with changing the libel laws as jonathon karl pointed out to reince priebus on last week's "this week." >> change the libel laws. that would require, as i understand it, a constitutional amendment. is he really going to pursue that? is that something he wants to pursue? >> i think it's something that we've looked at. >> stephen: they want to get rid of the first amendment? stop the presses! seriously, stop the presses. and i can confirm that the administration is looking into change the first amendment because i have trump's rewritten version of the constitution right here:
"congress shall make no law against religion, except for the scary ones, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press. unless it is fake news like failing 'new york times'! watch 'fox and friends'!" ( cheers and applause ) slow that down. slow that down a little. oh, trump also has an interesting take on the third amendment here. "no soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, or at least not in the premier suite of an incredible trump hotel. the best. free continental breakfast before 9:00 a.m. thank you for your room service." ( applause ) and this surprised me. this next one surprise me a lot. trump wants to change the second amendment to: "bang! bang! bang! pew! pew! bang! bang!" we have a great show for you tonight. amy schumer is here. stick around.
unlimited hbo. can i stop dying now mark? no can't do mi amigo. it's unlimited. besides you are really good at it james. don't settle for any unlimited data plan. only the at&t unlimited plus plan comes with hbo included at no extra charge. woman: so this happened. zoe brought over some lime-a-rita's to ava's rooftop and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. that's elyse busting out her dance move from summer of '08. ( ♪ ) she insists it's her signature move, but we're all pretty good at it. yeah, looks like we're staying here tonight. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.
delivers a gentle mist to help block six key inflammatory substances that cause your symptoms. most allergy pills only block one. and six is greater than one. new flonase sensimist changes everything. ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) now, jon, jon, obviously, like me, i'm sure when you get home, the first thing you do is sit around and wait for our show to come on so you can watch it, right? >> jon: yeah, i sit down at the piano, turn on the tv, and watch.
>> stephen: last night was one of the rare times i did not just watch our show. i also watched our dear friend jimmy kimmel. i just want to say to anybody out there, if you haven't seen jimmy's monologue last night about his child who was born with a heart defect, and they had to have surgery, and the first surgery has been successful, and thankfully his son, billy, is home with him and his wife-- please go watch it. it's an absolutely beautiful, heartfelt story, and it's a call for all people to have access to the same quality health care because it is a basic human need and an aspect of our dignity as citizens of the united states. and... ( cheers and applause ) it was beautiful. you're a beautiful man. i'm so glad that billy is at home and resting with his mom, and anyway, check it out, you guys. also, next week, i hope you'll check out one week from tonight we have a very special show
because i'm coming up on my 20th anniversary of having started on "the daily show." ( cheers and applause ) 20 years! i don't-- i don't look it! ( laughter ) i think it was june 2 of 1997. i remember that it was the first day. but we're not doing a show that week, so next week, a week from today, a bunch of my old buddies from "the daily show" are going to be on here, and we're going to-- we're going to reminisce, we're going to talk, we're going to have fun. we're going to do some comedy about all those great times we had together. so i'm looking forward to it. ( cheers and applause ) they're really talented. now, speaking of incredibly talented, my first guest is the incredibly talented comedian behind "trainwreck" and "inside amy schumer." she now stars in "snatched." >> do you want to do something tonight, like, something crazy, or like-- do something amazing?
>> stephen: oh, yeah. nobody like him. nobody like him. >> hi! >> stephen: hey, listen, this is the second time we've seen each other in about 24 hours. >> thank god. >> stephen: we saw each other last night at the fabulous met gala. >> you were the belle of the ball. >> stephen: was i? >> you were best dressed. >> stephen: no, you were. look at this thing. >> wow! what an outfit. >> stephen: amy, who are we wearing in this photograph? >> we are wearing zach posen. >> stephen: we love zach. we love zach on "the late show." you actually let me touch it. >> i know. >> stephen: i think you insisted that i touch it. >> i may have threatened you to touch it, right. >> stephen: it's like leather and armor at the same time. it has scales. >> i don't know, dude, but i'll tell you what, homegirl was sweating. why can't we be comfortable at that thing? i get it -- >> stephen: is this one of the things you wear if you're trying to make weight for the wrestling team. spit in a cup all day before you weigh-in.
>> that's what they do for actresses, your weight-- not me. >> stephen: that's the fanciest thing you go to, right, because everybody is in the fanciest dress possible. it's in a fancy location. >> yeah! >> stephen: they close the bar so early. >> i know, what's that about? i had to go home early and black out on my own. >> stephen: got to take care of the sister doing for herself. you are also, speaking of style. >> yes! >> stephen: this is all show and tell here tonight. you're also on the cover of "in style" right there. >> wow! honk, honk. why are the pages stuck together? ( laughter ) >> stephen: the perfume samples! they bleed. they bleed. >> yeah! >> stephen: now you said-- you said-- i think you absolutely look beautiful on this cover. you said you received backlash in the past when it comes to swimsuit photos? what's the deal?
>> no, it wasn't really-- you don't have -- >> stephen: just trying to put some asses in the seats. >> okay, sure. guys, tune in, tune in. in every interview i've been doing to promote "snatched," the journalists will be like, so your body, like, what's the plan? i'm serious. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> i mean, they talk about it-- i'm in a bathing suit in this movie. there's nudity. i feel good about my body. i think other people need to work on how they feel. i'm good. but they talk to me like i need to be buttered to fit through a door. i'm like, i can walk right through a door. >> stephen: is that in the movie, because that's-- >> oh, no. >> stephen: as someone who is like a bit of a fashionista now-- you are. >> what! >> stephen: you're on the cover of "in style" magazine. >> whatever they slap me into but i'm very grateful. >> stephen: do you get free stuff? do you get people send this stuff and, "wear this thing because we'd be happy."
>> totally. and i didn't have any money growing up, so i'm still really grateful to get free stuff. this past winter canada goose gave me a coat. >> stephen: oh, those are great. >> yeah, super warm. and was psyched. it was my favorite, it was like... free. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i was like mmm! free. so i wore it. i got photographed in it because of paparazzi loves this. ( laughter ) i'm like, what do you want. this is what you're going to get. anyway, i was doing an event to promote my book, and these picketers came in and they're like, real yell-y. and i was like, let's communicate. but they don't want to do that. it was pictures of me in the coat. and they're like, "canada goose is murdered!" >> stephen: "canada goose is murdered." they don't kill the geese. >> but of no but to make the hoods they kill coyotes. yeah. i was like oh, my god. if i made a list of the animals i care about more than coyotes--
( laughter ) it would be a list of every animal. ( laughter ) i don't care. you know, i was like, i don't care. >> stephen: they'll come for your dog the coyotes. >> i know. i'm like whatever. you can't make somebody care about coyotes if they don't. >> stephen: the roadrunner doesn't. >> no, the roadrunner would be psyched. are you serious? i was like peta, i promised i would never wear fur again... visibly. ( laughter ) at all times i'm wearing tortured ostrich underwear. i want you all to know that. you can't see it. >> stephen: i got a mental image. i got a mental image. >> i torture them in my apartment. >> stephen: well, i want to hear more about that, obviously. we'll be right back with more amy schumer. stick around. heineken tastes perfect every single time and that doesn't happen by accident - it takes 15 years to become a heineken brewmaster. almost as long as it took me to master this look.
ooh. well that is not what the fans signed up to see. is outdated equipment holding you back? upgrade your game to intel's fastest processor. you should probably upgrade those, too. ♪ [ rock music playing ] have fun with your replaced windows. run away! [ grunts ] leave him! leave him! [ music continues ] brick and mortar, what?! [ music continues ] [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] [ doorbell rings ] when you bundle home and auto insurance with progressive, you get more than a big discount. that's what you get for bundling home and auto!
>> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back with our friend amy schumer. now, you have been traveling around the world like the big jet-setter that you are. >> you know me we had some time for some fun. >> stephen: this is you and your sister, kim, at the harry potter tour at warner brothers studio. are you a big harry potter fan? >> i like the movies. it's really hard to read, you know-- another page. you know? who has its time. >> stephen: they're thick. >> but, kim-- i got to see my sister have the best day of her life. >> stephen: she's a big fan. >> she's a huge, huge fan. she's married so that means her wedding day-- eh. harry potter-- you can go and tour the sets. warner brothers you can see where they shot it. >> stephen: like hogwarts and that kind of stuff. >> yes, and it was amazing. even for something who wasn't crazy into the books it was really amazing.
and we got a v.i.p. thing, because i'm very famous. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, you're worth protesting. >> exactly, thank you. for, like, literally only $100 extra, you're allowed to just straight up ( bleep ) daniel radcliffe. >> stephen: wow, wow. >> hundred. not pounds. >> stephen: a c-note. >> on your terms, too. >> stephen: i wish he put it in the bank. i feel bad for him. that's a lovely thought. >> yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: speaking of lovely thought. it's all show and tell here tonight. >> i love all the pictures tonight. >> stephen: you have done something nice-- mind if i show you this thing. this is your actual lawyer? >> this is my real lawyer, yes. so what i did-- he's, like, a really good lawyer. he's a good guy -- >> stephen: nobody is saying he's not. >> i just felt like, "sure, schumer, from long island, you have a great lawyer." but, but-- and he's very shy and serious --
>> stephen: an entertainment lawyer. >> an entertainment lawyer, but he's like, "no one look at me." it turns out you're allowed to-- i bought him four benches as if he was a personal injury attorney. ( laughter ) okay, show it. this is him-- and then i was like, "hey, can you go look at the corner of whatever?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: "have you been injured?" "have you been injured? well, i'm sorry that happened to you. i'm here if you want to talk or you need anything. let's get this dunz." >> his name is isaac dunham. he said, "this is on my way to work." i said, "i know, i bought you four benches on the way to work." we have to keep ourselves entertained. >> stephen: any span. spanish? >> no doubt. >> stephen: you have the new movie "snatched" with the lovely and talented goldie hawn.
she hasn't done a movie in-- >> 15. >> stephen: 15 years. she plays your mom we had chris pratt here yesterday-- >> oh, my gosh, let me sniff the seat. >> stephen: no, afraid not, cbs. and kurt russell played his dad. you were like movie brother and sister. >> that's what i keep texting him. i'm like, "hey! let's hang out, bro!" >> stephen: how did you get this nice lady who has been, like, just enjoying herself for 14 years to step back in on to a movie set? because it's been since 2002 or '03 or something like that since she did a movie. how did you get her? >> i gave her $100. >> stephen: and daniel radcliffe. >> and daniel radcliffe. no, i approached her on an airplane-- she had no idea who i was. she's so nice to everyone. she's truly the kindest person. and she's like, "okay, honey." and i said, "i want to be in a movie with you." and she's like, "sure, you do." ( laughter )
but then it happened. and she wrote the script and we just loved each other right away. katie dippold wrote the script, and my sister and i rewrote it and picturing goldie the whole time. goldie wrote the secret too. and we had the best time. people were worried about her. >> stephen: why? >> because she's in her 70s and it's a hard r-comedy action movie. but she's, like, doing handstands on set. and-- seriously. and then i'm, like, sweating so much in between each take, it's like, "10-minute reset on schumer." and yeah. it was-- she was totally fine the whole time. >> stephen: are you best friends now? >> yeah! >> stephen: you can say you're friends with goldie hawn? >> i can say we're, like, life friends. >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah, she's the real deal. >> stephen: i heard you say that you can't make-- you only made, like, five friends in 15 years. so it's a very high bar to get
into the amy schumer friend club. >> correct. >> stephen: why, do you not like people? ( laughter ) >> well, i mean, you're okay. ( laughter ) but... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: were you bullied at all as a child? >> yeah. i had curly bangs -- >> stephen: how could you have curly bangs? >> it was very simple. my mom told me they looked great, and i bought it. and, yeah, no. ( laughter ) i was-- i was a late bloomer. teeth-- my front teeth fell out when i was 11. >> stephen: in middle school. you didn't have your front teeth? >> going into middle school, i did not have my front teeth. ( laughter ) hi, "13 reasons why." kids are mean. >> stephen: no--
>> thank god there was no social media then, thank god! >> stephen: well, "snatched" is in theaters may 12. the love lady with all the teeth, amy schumer, everybody. we'll be right back with gabourey sidibe. you could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper: rocket]
charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. it has comfort cushions you can see that are softer... ...and more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. remember, that's charmin in there... no wasteful wadding! we all go. why not enjoy the go with charmin. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back to the "late show." now, jon, how did you sleep last night? >> jon: i slept pretty good man, i slept good. >> stephen: i did not. i was up all night. i kept waking up wondering whether the writer guilds strike was going to happen last night because i have been through that once before and it was terrible. i kept waking up and not checking my phone. >> jon: you don't want to know. know. >> stephen: i don't want to know because what can i do but i kept waking up wondering what happened.
and waking up is the hardest part of getting out of bed. do you know what i mean, jon? is it hard for you to get out of bed in the morning? >> jon: yeah, sometimes you wake up and you're kind of cranky and it takes you two to three times to get into it, shake it off, shake that crankiness off of you. >> stephen: you have a system for shake off that crankiness? >> jon: oh, yeah, i sure do, i have a system with the new jon batiste alarm clock. jim. hi, i'm jon batiste, and i know mornings are the worst. and you know why? alarm clocks. >> aaaah! dang alarms! >> jon: alarms are the worst. but now you can wake up to jon batiste way. >> hey, it's morning! yeah! hey, it's morning!
yeah! good morning from me and my best friend the melodica. i've got options for every sleeper. ♪ cold blood hey, wake up! and light sleepers. ♪ cold-blooded wake up >> jon: and if you don't want to get out of bed, there's a snooze option. snooze activated. i get you want to finish your dream about the middle school dance. that's a good one. i'll let you rest for five minutes and then wake you up. what am i going to do for five minutes? oh, i know, i'm going to make me some breakfast. ( dishes clanging ) man, i'm out of eggs. oh, well. maybe i'll work on my new reggaeton song. ( air horn ) wooo!
down low, waking up with jon batiste today. and if you use a clock as an alarm clock, what's wrong with you? you can't make calls on that thing! you're welcome. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, sir. you at home can get all those tunes on our website www.colbertlateshow.com. we'll be right back with gabourey sidibe. stick around. we, the entertainment-loving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. because those are the best rooms. because they have tvs in them. and, when we're not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. anywhere? you got that right, kid show thing. get a directv all-included package for 4 rooms. only $25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. available for at&t unlimited plus customers.
searching one topic. that will generate over 600 million results. and if you've been diagnosed with cancer, searching for answers like where to treat, can feel even more overwhelming. so start your search with a specialist at cancer treatment centers of america. start with teams of cancer treatment experts under one roof. start where specialists use advanced genomic testing to guide precision cancer treatment... ...that may lead to targeted therapies and more treatment options. start where there's a commitment to analyzing the latest research and conducting clinical trials-to help each patient get the personalized cancer care they deserve. start at one of the cancer treatment centers of america hospitals near you. the evolution of cancer care is here. learn more at cancercenter.com/experts appointmenents available now.
♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ pcountries thatk mewe traveled,t what is your nationality and i would always answer hispanic. so when i got my ancestry dna results it was a shocker. i'm everything. i'm from all nations. i would look at forms now and wonder what do i mark? because i'm everything. and i marked other. discover the story only your dna can tell. order your kit now at ancestrydna.com.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: caught me by surprise. you know my next guest from "american horror story", "empire" and of course her oscar-nominated performance in "precious." please welcome, gabourey sidibe! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hi! >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you! >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> nice to meet you!
>> stephen: how did i do with your name? gabourey sidibe, am i right on target there? >> you did pretty good. i'm not at all embarrassed. >> stephen: what's-- how-- what's the perfect way to say your name. >> okay, so i'm senegalese, and my name is pronounce gabba-ray sid-deebay. but you're american, so i'll let you call me gab-ooree seed-ibay. it rhymes with cabaret. >> stephen: what's the worst anyone has butchered it? >> the worst is-- okay, sot very beginning, the second, like, talk show i went on was the "tyra banks show." and she said the entire interview for two segments she called me gab-ern-ay. and i was too new and little to correct her, because i felt like i was going to be rude if i told her that my name was not pronounced that way and i have regrets about it.
i should have just said right, to be fair. >> stephen: right, right, stand up for yourself. >> stand up for my. >> stephen: when people say "coal-bert," i answer to that but inside i'm furious. >> don't let them do that to you? >> stephen: i won't, i won't. here's the interesting thing. you have a new book called, "this is just my face: try not to stare." all right. it's a memoir. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: it's a memoir. you're 33 years old. why write one now? you're just going to have to write another one in 10 years. what made you want to write this memoir? >> i don't think-- it didn't start out as a memoir. i started writing about things that, like, bothered me, and i realized that the first sentence of the chapter about something that bothered me felt horrible, but the last sentence felt really amazing. and so, like, i realized that i was get something, like, therapeutic work out of writing. and so i just kept doing it.
and the weird-- okay, it sounds like it's super serious. but, actually, you guys it's funny. it's really funny, too. it's really, really good. and i feel really cathartic and there was some stuff i had to, like, get out. >> stephen: one of the things you've gone through, worked through writing the book think other people will read and say, "i've experienced that? that helps me work through just by reading that." what are some of the things that have bothered you? >> some life lessons. like for one-- it's a weird thing and i've been talking about it. i spent three years being a phone sex operator. >> stephen: what? >> yeah. >> stephen: you're acting like i would know that. >> i mean, sorry, well, like, yeah, i was a phone sex operator for three years, whole years. and that's kind of, like, what i did right before i was-- literally, i got my-- my first one was "precious" and that's what i did the day before i was filming "precious." >> stephen: it's like acting. >> yeah.
it was my acting school. some people went to juilliard. and i went to the phone. >> stephen: good program. were the hours good? >> the hours were great. it's, like, a 24-hour company so you can-- >> stephen: make your hours. >> i did 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. on saturday because you get double the minutes, okay? that's a big deal. make your coins. >> stephen: that's good to know. >> write that down. "double the minutes." >> stephen: i got it. you have some great blurbs on this. the top one says-- i don't know if you can see this. it might be too small. "'you're the bomb, girl,' president barack obama." how did you get-- that's a great blurb. how does one get the barack obama blurb? >> first of all, barack obama is my uncle barry, as i call him. >> stephen: does he know you call him that? >> he does not. and i'm-- i met him at the correspondents' dinner, like, before it became a farce.
and, like, two years ago. and he had my name on a card. and i was like hi, my name is gabourey. and he said, "i know who you are. you're the bomb, girl." it shook me a little bit because if anybody says the word "bomb" near the president-- i needed the secret service-- but he did say that. >> stephen: he's allowed to say that. >> he's the one person allowed to say that, that close to the president! also like, "hi, your dad says you're the bomb," right? that's such a dad thing to say. i thought he was going to call me all that and a bag of chips later. >> stephen: he is like a dad. >> he's my uncle barry. >> stephen: you have an aunt, you actually have an aunt who is also a famous for working for women's right. dorothy pitman hughes, and here she is with gloria steinem taken in 1971.
>> yeah. >> stephen: that's a pretty cool aunt. that's a pretty cool aunt. >> yeah, my-- my aunt-- we disagree on how to pronounce that word. you say "ant." and i say "aunt." which one of us is the fancier one. >> stephen: you sound fancier. >> it's me. >> stephen: do you say vase? or vozz? >> i think i say "flower holder" because i didn't graduate from college. this is a flower holder, right? >> stephen: that is. that is a cup. >> you can put a flower in it. are you serious? do you know how flowers work? >> stephen: i apologize. >> i got so sidetracked by aunt. ( snorts ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) i promised myself i wasn't going to snort tonight.
>> stephen: i love a good snort. ( snorts ) >> stop! okay. ( cheers and applause ) it really is natural. you do that to me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm honored. ( laughter ) you're the bomb, girl. ( snorts ) the book is "this is just my face: try not to stare." the lady is gabourey sidibe. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) th so find a venus smooth that contours to curves, the smoother the skin, the more comfortable you are in it. flexes for comfort, and has a disposable made for you. skin smoothing venus razors.
♪"my friends know me so well. they can tell what i'm thinking, just by looking in my eyes. but what they didn't know was that i had dry, itchy eyes. i used artificial tears from the moment i woke up... ...to the moment i went to bed. so i finally decided to show my eyes some love,... ...some eyelove. eyelove means having a chat with your eye doctor about your dry eyes because if you're using artificial tears often and still have symptoms, it could be chronic dry eye. it's all about eyelove, my friends.
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry where ♪ it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from punxsutawney, michigan, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden!