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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 22, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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>> stephen colbert and the captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump reportedly close to selecting outside counsel to help him amid these ongoing investigations into russian meddling and his campaign. trump prefers to have a team of attorneys, rather than a single lawyer represent him. ♪ ♪ >> has this ever happened to you? you're the leader of a country, and accused of colluding with known enemies? >> then you need to call galino and farnes. we've handled dozens of cases just like yours all across the globe. >> many of our clients went on to successful dictatorships and/or firing squads. don't believe us? ask agusto pinochet. >> robert mugabe. >> and scar, the lion. >> there's no proof he colluded with the hyenas after we took him as a client.
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we'll protect you and your staff from all types of investigations including: >> treason. >> illegal arms sales. >> anything that ends in gate. >> and killing mufasa. >> i heard he slipped. >> so if you're a world leader, call us today. the only thing you'll be found guilty of is a great decision. >> we accept bitcoin, gold bouillon, and blood diamonds. >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes: kevin spacey. terry crews. and rob huebel. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! hey! hey!
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♪ ♪ you're sparkly. >> audience: stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey, everybody, please, have a seat. you're too kind. welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) uh, donald-- thanks so much. donald trump may be out of the country, but he is still the toast of washington. or whatever reason he's that color. i think it's toasting. ( laughter ) today-- just today, this morning? the trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled, "a new foundation for american greatness," which is just a slightly grandiose for a financial document. it's like calling your grocery list "a bold vision for yogurt and dog food." ( laughter ) now-- not a lot on that list. there wasn't a lot on that list.
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now, uh, that foundation of america's greatness? what he's building that on? it turns out he's building that foundation out of the ground-up bones of poor people, because this budget cuts things like the food stamp program, snap, and the children's health insurance program, chip. so he's cutting "snap" and "chip," to which america's children replied "stop" and "help." ( laughter ) i know this is an unpopular position these days, but i believe children should go to the doctor and eat. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) where do i find the courage? where do i find the courage? not in the white house. and the whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: trump's voters. because the president's budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely.
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it's all there on trump's new hat, "make the poor live on squirrel meat again." ( laughter ) meanwhile, budget director and newly appointed chairman of the lollipop guild, mike mulvaney told reporters, "we are no longer going to measure compassion by the number of programs or the number of people on those programs. we are going to measure compassion by the number of people we help get off of those programs." yes, it's like the old saying, "give a man a fish, he eats for a day. take away his fish, we've got all the fish! woo-hoo! fish party!" ( cheers and applause ) now-- woo-hoo! ( cheers and applause ) mick? mike or mick? mick mulvaney? something like that. this budget is filled with brutal, senseless cuts to medical research, like $14 billion in cuts from health and human services, including an unbelievable cut of 19% from the national cancer institute's budget. now look--
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>> audience: boo! >> stephen: no, no, listen, listen, trump said we'd be sick of winning, and he is ready to deliver on the first half of that sentence. ( laughter ) now, the budget also calls for major cuts to the centers for disease control. so whenever that thing inside steve bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it. ( cheers and applause ) ah, speaking of things that keep spreading, the russia investigation is only getting worse for the president. last night, we found out that back in march, after james comey testified before congress that there was an investigation into collusion between the russians and the trump team, "trump asked the director of national intelligence and the head of the n.s.a. to publicly deny evidence of russia collusion." "fellas, you know that thing i'm totally innocent of? could you crush that before it gets out?" ( laughter )
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just like comey, the intelligence directors trump talked to refused to help. so why did trump ask them? according to one senior intelligence official, trump's goal was to "muddy the waters." okay, let me get this straight. it goes "drain the swamp," then "muddy the waters." ( laughter ) "muddy the waters," by the way-- ( cheers and applause ) "muddy the waters," also, his environmental policy. ( laughter ) and earlier today, the house intelligence committee heard testimony from former c.i.a. director and man asking if you've taken the picture yet, john brennan. ( laughter ) and-- and-- lovely, lovely picture. true to pretty much all the testimony about russia, brennan said something completely shocking, in the most boring way possible. >> i encountered and am aware of information and intelligence that revealed contacts and
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interactions between russian officials and u.s. persons involved in the trump campaign that i was concerned about because of known russian efforts to suborn such individuals. and, it raised questions in my mind, again, whether or not the russians were able to gain the cooperation of those individuals. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm awake! i'm awake! put me in, coach. okay, that might have been boring, but what he just said is super important. okay? basically, he's saying, he knows that russia tried to recruit members of the trump campaign. he's not sure if they did. that's like saying, "we know the mob tried to cut your brake cables. we just don't know if they succeeded. here are the keys. have a great drive.
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( cheers and applause ) it's full of gas!" mean while, meanwhile, across the pond, overseas, donald trump's magical misery tour continues. ( laughter ) after leaving israel, today, he got to rome? today, president trump arrived in rome. he's so excited to finally meet jude law. should be a good meeting. ( laughter ) "you look much older in person. you've got to moisturize." now, rome is the third leg of trump's tour of some of the world's major holy sites. and if i did not know any better, i would say that trump is really trying to get in touch with god, here. >> you got that right, stephen. >> stephen: oh, it's god, everybody! say hello to the lord. ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, hello, everybody. what's up? >> stephen: thank you for being here, god. >> well, technically, i'm everywhere, stephen.
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i'm here, at every church, on a tortilla in guadalajara. oh, no, wait. they didn't see me, and now they ate me. don't know what they missed. >> stephen: well, lord, how do you feel about trump going to all these holy sites around the world? >> i don't know. you pray with three major religions in one week? seems a little needy. come on, buy a god a drink first. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, the president was praying to you at the western wall in jerusalem yesterday. can you tell us what he prayed for? >> oh, sorry, stephen. unlike some people, i don't give away top-secret information from israel. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) not this time. mum's the word. >> stephen: still, lord, you're getting a lot of attention this week. it must feel pretty special. >> oh, not at all, stephen. this whole thing is just a distraction from the russia scandal. i mean, trump even asked me if i could get james comey to stop the f.b.i. investigation. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really, wow. so are you going to? >> no! no, no, even if i wanted to help, i can't.
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you know: separation of church and state. plus, i really want to see that pee tape. ( laughter ) come on. everybody knows it's real. >> stephen: so-- don't know. >> well, i do. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so, is there any way trump can win you over? >> well, at this point, he's got to go big! you know, get swallowed by a whale, build me an ark, sacrifice one of his children-- oh, and a good one, too. not eric. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice talking to you. >> you too! >> stephen: nice talking to you, god. now, if it's okay with you, i'm going to go back to my show now if that's cool. >> you do you, stephen. i'll just be up here playing with my fidget spinner. ( laughter ) this thing helped me quit smoking. >> stephen: god, everybody! we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) kevin spacey is here. but when we come back, i'll be right here. stick around.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human. say hello the band right over there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: welcome back, my friend. now, folks, before we go any further, i just want to take a brief moment right now to talk about the horrific attack in manchester last night. after tragic events like this,
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there is really nothing you can say that can approach the shock and grief of the victims and their families. but last night, our friend james corden spoke movingly and beautifully about that city that he knows and the spirit and the people he knows in manchester, and i recommend you go online to hear what he had to say. and all we can add here is that following acts of senseless violence, like this, it's all the more important not to be controlled by fear, but instead to be reminded by the action of the people of manchester who rushed to the aid of their friends and strangers alike. it is just more proof that evil cannot succeed, as long as good people are willing to love each other. and let's all try our best to do that. ( cheers and applause ) now i'm going to go over there and do a couple more jokes. come on, let's do it. ( cheers and applause ) now, i don't know if you've noticed, but while he's been overseas, the president has not been tweeting as much. i assume it's because he's too cheap to pay for data roaming. ( laughter )
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but it might also be because last week, trump aides staged a twitter intervention. what? you can't take twitter away from trump! that's like taking the nudity away from "game of thrones!" it's the reason why we watch the show! ( cheers and applause ) now, this twitter-vention was arranged because aides have been concerned about the president's use of twitter to push inflammatory claims. yes, i mean, there's a lot of reason to be concerned. history has shown that if he keeps saying all this crazy stuff, i mean, he could win another presidential election. ( laughter ) and-- >> audience: boo! >> stephen: keep smiling. ( laughter ) and there's urgency because trump's staff fears they may soon lose their jobs. as one source put it, "the president goes through moods where sometimes he wants to blow everything up." um, excuse me.
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if he goes through moods where he wants to blow everything up, maybe it's not twitter you should be taking away from him. now, apparently-- ( cheers and applause ) now, apparently, this intervention included white house staff only, but there are plenty of us who have been deeply affected by president trump's tweets. so, i just want to take a second to speak to president trump personally. i wrote this letter as part of the intervention, sir. ( laughter ) "dear president trump, your tweeting has affected me in the following ways: my ratings are up. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) but, president trump, some nights, half my monologue is just about things you've tweeted.
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you're squeezing out other fun news stories. did you know that san francisco is opening a rat cafe? they are. that's real. ( laughter ) you took that away from me. ( laughter ) we want you to accept help. or at the very least, autocorrect. ( laughter ) how many ways can you misspell "independent council?" so please give up this harmful addiction and find another coping mechanism. have you tried drinking? because that's what i've been doing, and it's going pretty great." we'll be right back with kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin.
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everybody. folks, my first guest tonight is a tony and academy award winner who is about to return as the infamous frank underwood on "house of cards." ( cheers and applause ) >> how much more proof do you people need? ( cheers and applause ) i demand that every member of this house take a stand, like f.d.r. before, and wilson before him. i demand that this congress declare a formal declaration of war, against them, both here and abroad! >> the house will adjourn. the president will cease. >> i will not cease! i will never cease! >> stephen: please welcome kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> oh! >> stephen: look at that. i'm afraid that's all we have time for. >> oh, thank you so much. good night. >> stephen: i love a guest who takes his time on the cross, saying hi to the band. respect, you've got to. >> good evening. >> stephen: good evening to you. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: welcome back. >> it's been a while. >> stephen: it's been over a year. >> is this for me? >> stephen: it is yours. let's find out. ( laughter ) that's the good stuff. >> that's the good stuff. >> stephen: that's the good stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: so it's been over a year since you were here. >> that is correct.
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>> stephen: and the last time you were here, a bit of a different world-- or at least different leadership, last time you were here. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: is it-- is it odd to do a show like "house of cards" that does not seem as crazy as reality anymore? ( laughter ) is that a challenge in any way to you? ( cheers and applause ) >> well-- as christopher walken might say, "it's crazy." ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's one of the things-- one of the things about "house of cards" is that you guys, for season after season, people would go "how did you know the world was going to be the way it is?" you know, like, you guys are sort of predictive. >> well, it's interesting that every season-- and i would say particularly this season-- we have-- you know, we come together. we do our bible of what we're going to do in the whole season. we start writing. we write the episodes. we shoot the episodes. and then at some point between when we've shot the season and before it drops, three or four or five things that we have
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dealt with on the show happen in the real world. and we go, "okay. everyone's going to assume we stole it from the headlines." but in fact, we did it first. ( laughter ) and i think actually what's been interesting this year sort of watching a lot of commentary. people have been saying "'house of cards' is going to be boring this year. how can they compete with reality?" ( laughter ) i have to say, in all honesty, i think we've never been more relevant. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the first time you were here, the first time you were here, i asked you like, you know, when frank underwood does his asides into the camera, is there anyone he's actually talking to. you said it was-- >> i think i said as a joke that it was donald trump. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that was a long time before he was seriously considered a guy who could be president of the united states. >> what has become clear since then is, of course, he's just not listening at all. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: i think trump could use a little frank underwood. a little planning would be comforting. because he seems a little seat of the pants all the time. >> i would simply say this-- i do believe we have better writers. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: improv. i think he's doing-- i think he's improvising. >> a little bit. >> stephen: yeah. it's like jazz-- it's the governance you don't do. ( laughter ) >> very interesting. um, he-- yeah, no, it's been-- i have to say, you know, it's been very entertaining. >> stephen: yeah, it sure has. >> yeah. >> stephen: it sure has. exhaustingly so. >> no, no, i'm just talking about you coming out here every night and talking about it. that's been very entertaining. >> stephen: oh, that's been very entertaining for me, too. ( cheers and applause ) that's been medicinal. that's better than a cocktail. now, you've acted on some of the greatest stages in the world here and abroad. but i understand you're taking
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on an enormous new stage right here in new york over in flushing meadows. >> yes, where they normally do the u.s. open, which is arthur ashe stadium, i have decided to do a one-man play that i did in london a couple years back about a great, legendary american attorney named clarence darrow. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sure. >> for those-- for those in the demographic who don't know who clarence darrow is? >> stephen: yes. >> you do actually know who he is because he is the basis of the great film "inherit the wind" which is about the great scopes monkey trial about the teaching of evolution in a science class in tennessee that spencer tracy made into a great film. orson welles played clarence darrow in "compulsion" which is the movie about the leopold and loeb case. but he was one of the most extraordinary voices i think in american history. in fact, he had a lot to do with the way we live our lives now. he was a remarkable labor attorney. he, in fact, is the reason that we have an eight-hour day for american workers, clarence darrow. ( cheers and applause ) he was also an extraordinary
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civil rights attorney. and he took on cases that no one else would take on. and then later in his career he was an incredible criminal defense attorney. and so i'm doing this one-man show about his entire life. and i just think that his voice right now in the place that we're at, he was a reasonable, very, very funny-- there was a lot of audience participation-- we're not selling out the whole stadium, by the way. it's going to be quite intimate. we'll probably play in front of 5,000 or so people. and one of the things i'm most excited about-- >> stephen: 5,000. >> about 5,00, yeah. i played at the epiduris. >> stephen: what's the epiduris? a skin disease. what is that? >> yes, but because of the budget, you can't fix it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: so what's the epiduris? >> epiduris is the incredible ancient greek theater in greece, in athens. >> stephen: like an original theater. >> and i went out, i did "richard iii" there and i played in front of 14,000 people. >> stephen: wow.
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how do you-- how do you-- like, how do you gauge the level, the size of your performance. like, you're doing "richard iii" in front of 14,000 people. what's the difference-- >> for example, let's say we were doing it here on television. can i have a close up, please? a little closer than that. ( laughter ) a little closer than that. so i could literally say this "now is the winter of our discontent." i could say it just like that. but in a place like the epiduris-- pull the camera back now, way back, way back. ( shouting ) now is the winter of our discontent! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that one. that's like a cup of coffee. that's like a cup of coffee. so, um-- >> let me tell you the most exciting thing about arthur ashe and doing darrow there. is that we're not using the whole center court. we're putting a stage there but we're bringing in 600 additional seats, of which 300 of those seats will be seats for young
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people. and i want to announce tonight-- ( applause ) >> stephen: announcement, a special announcement. >> i want to announce tonight that in addition to the 300 seats that we're offering to young people, the 18 to 25-year- olds are for free. and i'm offering tonight an additional 100 of those seats, and if you go to, you can sign up for our lottery for those tickets. >> stephen: wow. ( cheers and applause ) we'll put that right up there. that will be great. wow. wow. speaking of young people, did you live in new york when you were first an actor? >> yes. i started-- i started my career after i went to juilliard, i know most of the band went to juilliard. >> stephen: you guys went at the same time, right? you guys went to juilliard-- ( laughter ) >> but of course, at that time he was in the dance division, strangely enough. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: how did you, when you were a young actor in new york, how did you make your way in the world? because i was a young actor in chicago, which was hard enough. but new york is an expensive place. >> i had a whole number of, you know-- i was a hat check guy at a restaurant.
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>> a hat check guy. back when people had hats. >> back when people had hats. and i actually took yul brenner's hat one night and put it right there. >> stephen: what? he needs it. >> and i worked in an office. i also worked at the public theater, in the basement. and one of the things i did in order to reduce the rent at an apartment that i had was i was the super of the building. >> stephen: so you were there and you-- >> i changed the light bulbs, i did it all in order to have a reduced rent. >> stephen: did you know what you were doing? did you have any skill when it came to supering? >> i would say it's a little bit like you-- i learned on the job. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. yes. both just going out every night and cleaning up people's ( bleep ). >> exactly. >> stephen: well, the tonys are on june 11. >> that's correct. >> stephen: and you are hosting this year, congratulations. >> i am hosting the tonys. thank you very much. i'm very excited. ( cheers and applause )
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and i'm not wrong, you are hosting the emmys a little later in the year. >> stephen: yeah, i'm doing it in september. ( cheers and applause ) >> so we are-- we are truly the hosts with the mosts. >> stephen: that's right. >> aren't we? >> stephen: yeah. have you seen everything this year? >> i haven't. i'm starting to go and see everything. i'll try to catch up over the next two weeks and see everything. >> stephen: have you seen "dear evan hansen?" >> i have. >> stephen: i cried like a child. >> i know the actor was here last night. it's a wonderful show. i actually saw it off broadway. i'm going to try to see it again now on broadway. so, yeah, i'm going to try and see everything. because we're going to have some fun on tony night. now does that mean you're going to see every television show? >> stephen: yes. >> if i'm going to see all the broadway shows-- >> stephen: i'm going to see every television show, every single one. >> there's only one you really need to see, actually. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that would be "house of cards" on netflix next tuesday. and the tony awards june 11 on cbs. kevin spacey, everybody. we'll be right back with terry crews. stick around.
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an actor and former n.f.l. player who you know from "brooklyn nine-nine," please welcome, terry crews! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> what's up, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) what? what? wooo! >> stephen: i like that. i like that. i like the little pecs. >> man, it's hot in here! ( cheers and applause ) exciting!
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you know i gotta do this. >> stephen: i know you gotta do that? it's cbs. we might have to blur it, though. it's a family show. how long has it been since you played ball? >> oh, my god, almost 20 years. >> stephen: 20 years! >> i retired in 1997. >> stephen: okay. now, i think of you as a great comic actor. but you started off as an athlete. how do you stay in shape? what is the thing do you? what is your regimen? >> i have never stopped working out. it's kind of weird. two hours, pretty much, a day. >> stephen: two hours a day! >> i do. i get up, if i know i have to go to work at, like, 7:00, i'll get up at 4:00 and do my thing. i have to have it, though. i have all this energy. you can tell. can't you tell? >> stephen: yes, i can tell. >> the energy is here. i have to burn it-- this is after the workout. okay? so before, you have to imagine. but i have five different gym memberships, everywhere. >> stephen: wow. >> just so-- just in case i can get a workout in. one is a 24-hour membership.
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the other one is for on set. i got one for a nice gym. i got one when i want to get down and dirty. it's like, styled to my day. >> stephen: is this all just workout or is this whole lifestyle? like, is it food, is it supplements, what are you taking? >> food-- you know one thing. i do this intermittent fasting thing. i only eat from an eight-hour period, from 2:00 p.m. to 10 p.m., and then i'm done. and then it's like a 16-hour fast. >> stephen: that's a long meal, though, 2:00 to 10:00. >> oh, no, yeah, right! i don't stop eating during that whole period. but the thing is, it's important to get the stuff out. >> stephen: you don't do breakfast? >> i don't do breakfast at all and i work out fasting. it's kind of wild. but i'm 49. >> stephen: do you drink coffee or anything like that? >> coffee and tea and an amino acid drink, that kind of thing to keep the blood flowing. but, my thing is, being 49-- i grew up in the gym so all those guys are like, "you gotta eat 17 meals a day!" and i realize that you just get- - you keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. and i decided, let me just
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reverse this thing. and it works for me. i've been doing it for five years. >> stephen: just maintain. >> it's amazing! how does it look? ( cheers and applause ) i like fishing for compliments. >> stephen: now, is your family as motivated as you are? because you're a living embodiment of getting it done every day. how does your family feel about this level of energy all the time? >> i am a motivation machine, okay? but my family is really sick of it. they're really tired of it. ( laughter ) you know, i found this great quote the other day, it was from michelangelo, and he was like, "please god help me to desire more than i can accomplish." and i was like, "that's my new saying!" and i went around saying this stuff. my wife's like "why don't you desire to get your sweaty clothes off the floor. okay?" my wife is done. she's like so tired of it. i'm like, "honey, it's a new day! it's all yours. you can take it." she's like, "i'm going to take this nap. will you please get away from me." ( laughter ) and i understand it.
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i understand. >> stephen: okay, so you, obviously, two hours a day working out. obviously, you've got "brooklyn nine-nine." you're doing a lot of different projects. but this new thing that you're doing here-- >> yes! >> stephen: is you're designing furniture. >> exactly. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, that is not the first thing i would think of-- >> it goes hand in hand! >> stephen: why does it-- well, here's an example. this is a combo-- it's a nice little seat combo-coffee table right there, with some orchids right there. >> yes! >> stephen: and i will show you the lifestyle in action right there. >> that's right, baby! >> stephen: this is the life you can have. ( laughter ) i'd buy that. i would buy this lifestyle. >> but i grew up an artist. i was an artist-- i saw no difference between being an athlete and an artist. i would have a painting in the showcase at high school on my way to football practice. and it was so funny because i'd go to practice and then i'd go to the classes and the little girls are wearing black and they're so sad and i'm like, "hey, y'all. how you all doing?
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let's paint the hell out of this thing right now!" that's how i did it. >> stephen: nothing wrong with that. you don't have to be a tortured artist. you can be a happy one. >> exactly. >> stephen: well, okay, but now there are a lot of people who have gotten into the furniture design business, i found out here. kathy ireland has furniture. ellen has furniture. lebron james has furniture. >> uh-huh, uh-huh. >> stephen: why should i buy your couch and not lebron's? >> because theirs is ugly. ( laughter ) >> stephen: lebron's is ugly? >> all of theirs is ugly. mine, i have structural-- i'm serious, i have sculpture that you can use and you can sit on. >> stephen: sculpture? >> sculpture. my thing is sculpture. theirs is ugly, man. just being real with you. i'm sorry, i love you all. they're going to hate me. >> stephen: i assume you've had to go to, like, furniture design conventions, stuff like that to sell your stuff, high point or something like that. >> you know, i literally am here right now with i.c.f.f., it's in town right now. and i'm going to neocon in
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chicago. >> stephen: those are all furniture design-- >> i've been to the big milan furniture fair. let me tell you, once you get into it, you are so hooked. once you get into the design world-- >> stephen: have designers been open to terry crews? >> well, some of them. and i had another guy come by and he looked at my whole installation and he was like, "wow, this is great man. this is good. you know what i'm going to start a tv show." and i said, "really? maybe i can help you." and he said, "no, i'm not. i'm never doing that." and i was like, "oh. oh! i'm in your-- i get it. i'm in your world." >> stephen: he's scared of you now. he's scared of you now. >> we're going to have a cage match and figure out who the best designer in the world is. that's what we going to do. >> stephen: you could break a chair over him. ( laughter ) well, good luck. >> thank you. >> stephen: good luck with the working out and the lifestyle and the energy. ( cheers and applause ) thanks for being here. you can stream "brooklyn nine- nine" on fox now. terry crews, he's got couches. we'll be right back with the
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the "late show" already in progress. folks, you know my next guest from "the league" and "transparent." he's now starring in the new "baywatch" movie. >> did you pull brodie off the beach to break into the medical examiner's office earlier today? >> yeah, you bet i did. the councilman's boating accident was no accident at all, and our investigation led us back to huntly. >> you don't do investigations. you're life guards. police do investigations. when you do it, it's just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys-- no offense, you're included in that. >> none taken. >> leave law enforcement to the police, and you guys just do the jobs that i hired you to do. you remember? the life guarding stuff. >> splish splash. >> stephen: please welcome rob huebel! ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: please. now, nice to see you again. >> that's a crowd. that's a serious crowd. >> stephen: it is a serious crowd. ( cheers and applause ) that's a serious pander. well done. really well done. here's the thing. nice to see you again. people probably don't know this about you and i, but we used to have offices next to each other at the "daily show." >> that's right, yeah. >> stephen: it was me and steve carell in one office. and then you were in the office next door to me. and who was your office mate? >> steve carell's wife. >> stephen: nancy. >> yes. whose name is not steve carell's wife. >> stephen: it's nancy walls. >> if you worked with your wife wouldn't it seem you would be in the office with your wife? like, it was crazy. >> stephen: no, no, you have to have some separation.
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>> it was nancy and i over here and then all we heard was you guys next door just cutting up all the time, like-- ha-ha-ha! we're like, typing on our computers. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i remember a fair amount of the writing staff being mad at me and steve because we laughed a lot. >> yeah. there is a lot of, like, really over-the-top laughter. like, just going crazy. but, you know-- >> stephen: we were just faking to make you crazy. >> it was really-- >> stephen: here's the thing. when i found out you were coming on the show, i said, "oh, yeah, he used to be a correspondent on 'the daily show." and they said he was a producer. and i said, "pretty sure that guy was a comedian, i don't think he'd be a producer." >> that was when i was just starting out. and i'll be honest, i was a very mediocre producer. >> stephen: did you ever get in trouble as a producer? because producers have to go do things-- like the talent goes and hides in the car while the producer sets up the situation that the talent goes into. we're like the strike force, and the producer is grinding it out. >> i like that analogy, we're like a strike force. >> stephen: yeah, we are. a comedy strike force. you softened up the beach. you ever get in trouble?
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>> i've gotten in trouble a few times. one of the first jobs i ever did was on a prank show for vh1. and-- so they had this idea that we would do this prank-- hilarious-- where i would take a michael jackson impersonator-- this is before michael jackson passed away, obviously-- and we were-- i was going to try to sneak him in to yankee stadium so that michael jackson could throw out the first pitch before a baseball game, right? great idea-- >> stephen: so you say, "i have michael here. he just stopped by to throw out the first pitch." >> so i had to-- and the producers of the prank show are like, "it's going to be hilarious. you're never going to get in the stadium. you'll argue with some security guards and they'll throw you out." we're wearing those hidden camera glasses, you know, and it's really obvious i'm filming, filming, filming. and so but they didn't take into account that i'm pretty good at lying. like, i'm pretty good. and so we went into the front office of yankee stadium. and i just laid down all this
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b.s., that i was with michael jackson. and they were like, "let's do it." ( laughter ) next thing you know-- >> stephen: it's you and michael-- with the glasses and the glove and the sparkly jacket. >> no, not even a black person. he's, like, a german guy-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) with-- wearing the surgical mask just like-- it was-- it was so ill-conceived. ( laughter ) next thing you know, we're in the dugout. i'm sitting-- sitting next to derek jeter and, like, joe torre. they're like, "yo, michael jackson!" ( laughter ) and we were like... so, right before we are about to throw out the first pitch, like, security started getting suspicious. and so, they brought us out of the dugout, and they separated us. and they started grilling us. and this other person that was with us, this other producer, started crying. >> stephen: aww. >> don't ever cry under questioning. we went to jail. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: you went to jail, like cuffs, like jail? >> i went to jail in the bronx on a friday night. if you go to jail in the bronx friday night, you don't get out till monday morning. so-- >> stephen: were you in the same cell as michael jackson? >> yes, they called us-- yes. it was me, michael jackson, and three other people. so they called us "the jackson five." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's the best producer story i've ever heard. >> yeah, i am permanently banned from yankee stadium. i have a thing that says, "you may not ever go back in yankee stadium." but i've been back already! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good for you. now, you're in the "baywatch" thing. are you-- are you, like, one of the guys who takes off his shirt and all jacked up that kind of stuff? >> well, here's the thing: i wanted to. they wouldn't let me. >> stephen: you're a fit guy. >> i'm not very fit. thank you for saying that, but under this suit, just pasty, gross flab. ( laughter )
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and then i offered-- i started emailing the director pictures of myself in a speedo. and he was like, "please stop, stop. stop doing that." >> stephen: for the sequel, maybe for the sequel. >> maybe, maybe. >> stephen: lovely to see you again, man. >> so fun to be here. thank you for having me. >> stephen: congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) "baywatch" opens this thursday. rob huebel, everybody, he went to jail! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: hey! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from


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