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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 18, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hi, everybody. it's stephen colbert backstage at the 69th emmy awards and because it's cbs i assume the 69th just got bleeped. i come to you via satellite with a 24-hour delay. i want to say congratulations to all the winners. deplace your statutes proudly, hell, display them publicly. i have been assured none of the enemies fought for the confederacy. i couldn't make it back to new york in time for tonight's show because i'm still drinking. but i'm sure cbs found com someone every bit as talented as me. me last week. no spoilers. he still thinks he has a chance to win tonight. >> announcer: it's "the late
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show"'s second anniversary special, featuring stephen's favorite moments from the last two years, talking about donald trump and dave chappelle, tom hanks and making out with helen mirren. now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi, i'm stephen colbert. tonight i'm celebrating my second anniversary here at "the late show." folks, it's been such an honor and a joy to spend these last two years interviewing amazing guests, hearing fantastic music and finding comedic justifications to eat cake frosting straight from the container. mmm, mm-mmm! i will think of one eventually. again, i'm still in los angeles right now, so i taped all of this a week ago in new york. want some proof? this is last friday's newspaper. how could i possibly have a
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newspaper from the past if i wasn't there right now? and tonight, i'm taking a look back at some of my favorite moments from my first two years here at the shoavment i can't wait to see how much hope i had in my eyes before election day. a lot of the show happens right here. boy, if this desk could talk, it would probably say, stephen sits here and talks to celebrities over me. it's a desk. it's kind of boring. that's why i don't interview the desk. jim? this is the first thing. even oprah can make this sound exciting. ♪ you flight has been canceled! ( applause ) >> stephen: nice. ♪ the lasting effects of climate change are irreversible!♪
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. >> we launched a beauty line called honest beauty. we're in you willta beauty stores. >> stephen: what do we have here. >> sea salt spray. >> stephen: is that tasty? no, no, don't put it in your mouth! not supposed to put it in your mouth! >> stephen: that's really salty. want some? >> no. >> stephen: come on, i had some. >> no, no, no! >> stephen: it's delicious. by the way -- >> stephen: you could put this on popcorn. >> no, you can't. >> stephen: jessica alba says you can put it on popcorn! >> no! >> stephen: he fights a lot of people but he also has a lot of babes. do you do your own stunts in that direction, too? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i'm going to punch you. this is a 60-year-old man's punch. >> stephen: do i get to punch you back or is this a one-sided thing. >> how old are you? >> stephen: a frail 52. do what you need to. >> all right, i'm going to lean
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into it. >> stephen: lean into it, baby. >> i'm going to rear back. ready? ( laughter ) can i kick you as well? >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) >> where shall i go? frankly -- oh, my god. ( laughter ) >> i don't give a -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i want the truth! ( laughter ) you can't handle the -- ( gagging ) >> i see you and i see your bull (bleep)! i see it! ( cheers and applause ) know what?
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( applause ) we're live. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you hosted "snl" i think the week after trump was elected. is that true? the timing right there about that? >> yeah, it was the saturday before that tuesday. >> stephen: you said at the time we've got to give this guy a chance. which i agree with. >> especially -- right, this is very true. >> stephen: so now we're seven, eight months in. how do you feel about the chances he's been given? do you still want to give him a chaps or have you given him all the chances he's going to get? >> it's not like i wanted to give him a chance that night ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i'm not criticizing you said that. i think it's a really good impulse, but how do you feel about the guy now? >> you know, listen, man...
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in the last six months, i think we're all getting an education about the presidency. i don't know that i've ever heard in popular discourse people discussing ethics this much and i didn't realize even how ethics were supposed to work at that level of government and he's putting all that stuff on the forefront. >> stephen: nobody likely talks about oxygen till somebody's got their hands around your throat. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you directed yourself. could you help me out? i started off as an actor back in the day. >> okay. >> stephen: the first line is i'm the doctor, lost the patient, you're the family. i'm sorry, we did everything we could. >> so you're coming out to give us the bad news? >> stephen: i'm in the scrubs, the blood, everything, like this. >> so you came out as if you just told us that our hamster died. you have to show a little more empty. >> stephen: show a little more, all right? >> yeah. >> stephen:
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( laughter ) >> now you're overacting. >> stephen: i haven't even started acting yet. what are you talking about? you haven't given me a chance! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you said he's trying to suck his own (bleep) okay? ( cheers and applause ) >> are you allowed to say it. >> stephen: it's cool, they said i could say it tonight. >> sorry, mom, about that. they picked up on a recorded line. >> stephen: i said suck. here's the deal. are you telling us you never even tried? >> no, i'm not capable of doing it. let's put it that way. >> stephen: no one said you succeeded. >> he's probably not capable of doing it either. maybe he's doing hot yoga in there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you do an impression of your husband? >> we all three have impressions of barack. >> stephen: would you mind sharing? >> it's usually at the dinner table. malia will start it because she asks the serious question, dad, tell us about your day, and what
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about that conversation on global warming? and sasha and i are, like, oh, god, don't get him started and he's like, well, um, i'm glad you asked that. let me just, um -- let me just answer that in three points. one -- and one one a, one b -- and sasha and i are, like, oh! >> i guess you could do this interview without me, then, couldn't you. >> interview? yeah, i probably could. bye. what? bye. ( cheering ) bye. bye. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ryan! ryan! ryan! ryan! please! ryan, ryan! do something!
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just -- look -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: congressman, thank you so much. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: want to walk out into the crowd with me? >> yes. >> stephen: let's do it. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: when we come back i'll show you why i have a restraining order against helen mirren.
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>> stephen: oh, hi. welcome back to our second anniversary special. one of the perks of this job besides the 5% discount at all long john silvers participating locations is i get to meet celebrities. another perk is that i get to taste what brand of toothpaste they use. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) well, tyler, i want to point out that when you came out here you just touched me on the butt. >> no, i didn't. >> stephen: you just did. you have no proof. >> stephen: what do you mean. you're a lier. >> stephen: if we work together, i have to report you to h.r. if that's unwelcomed
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contact. >> if he's lying make some noise! ( cheering ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's absolute pleasure to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) you're very comfortable with kissing other men many. >> i mean, i don't even understand the question. >> stephen: me either. not everybody is but i'm totally comfortable with it, too. >> all right. >> stephen: i just want you to know, at any point during this -- ( cheers and applause )
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what were we talking about? ( laughter ) ( band playing ) ( cheering ) >> stephen: i'm here. you are my father! you are my father! >> stephen: you are my mother. (crying) ( cheering ) >> i got magical powers. >> stephen: okay. you know, so he had a long conversation with me. he had a long conversation with me. >> stephen: i think you have a tiffany hattish problem now.
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wow, you're amazing. what a joy just to sit next to you. >> it's even more of a you if you get t get to know me better. ( applause ) >> stephen: first you lead then you bleed then when you're on your knees -- >> that's what you get for falling in rove. >> stephen: you get a little but it's never enough. >> that's what you get for falling in love. >> stephen: now, this boy's addicted. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're a good actor. >> that's right. >> stephen: after the break,
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let's get it, america. ( band playing ) >> stephen: hi, there. welcome back to our second anniversary special. folks, literally the entire run of this show the big news story has been donald trump. in fact, i did my first impression of donald trump online before we even went on the airport we rushed to get that on the internet because everybody thought his campaign wouldn't last till september of 2015. it's funny because nothing he says is true. well, now everybody does a trump impression. they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but i don't believe that because the people who imitate donald trump clearly cannot stand the guy. what's your hook? what's the thing you have to do? the face, hair, hands?
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>> it's totally a caricature. you pick a few things. i'm sitting in the room, left eyebrow up, right eyebrow down, shove your face up like you're trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car -- ( cheers and applause ) >> trump pitches forward so when he stands, he stands like this. he has no center of gravity. ( laughter ) that's why he's always leaning on people. so he leans like this, and then you have to accentuate the mouth, bring the mouth forward, and then bring in the arms. this is the key. the arms -- now do the whole thing. we're doing so well, so unbelievable. ( cheers and applause ) >> north korea, best not make any more threats to the united states. they will be met with fire and fury like the world has never
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seen. they have been very threatening beyond a normal statement. and as i said, they will be met with fire, fury and, frankly, power, the likes of which this world has never seen before. thank you. thank you. >> stephen: amazing. mr. cartoon trump, how do you respond to anderson cooper compare you to a 5-year-old? >> anderson cooper's a dumb dumb. he's a stupidhead, a total poopy pants. >> stephen: i have to say right now you are sounding a little immature. >> i know you are, but what am i? >> stephen: you sound like an idiot. >> stephen, i'm rubber, you're glue, i have a lawyer and i will sue. >> the fake news media has never been so wrong or so dirty!
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incorrect stories and phony sources! to meet their agenda of hate -- sad... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: trump says we'll win and keep on winning until we don't want to win anymore. it might be good for you. >> it will be good for me. >> stephen: here's a picture of you right here. >> okay, got it. >> stephen: and here's mrs. trump. >> yeah. >> stephen: right there. i'm going to have a second career as an impersonator. ( applause ) >> stephen: ( laughter ) can you imagine needing to work out that impression because melania trump actually became the first lady? roll it! live via satellite from the white house please welcome melania trump! ( cheers and applause )
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well, you're arriving at the white house at a very dramatic time. after james comey's testimony last week, some people are talking about impeachment. >> they are?! i mean, they shouldn't say such things, stephen. america took a vow and donald trump is our president. for better or worse, for richer or even richer. in sickness and in no healthcare. and we must honor that no matter how often america fantasizes about being with justin trudeau. ( laughter ) >> stephen: next up, brad pittt and i lie on a blanket.
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( band playing ) >> stephen: oh, hi. and welcome back to "the late
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show" second anniversary special. i always love doing comedy bits with my guests. stephen colbert's midnight confessions on sale now. you will find it wherever they accept money for things. jim? >> name? bond. james bond. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i don't have that. ( laughter ) could it be under another name? ( laughter ) >> give-many-a-car. give me a car. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: sir -- sir -- sir -- sir -- i understand you're in a hurry. i understand. we have to pay for our own vests, if you don't mind. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> zoltar, i finally found you again! well, come on, zoltar! zoltar! yes! yes! oh, jeez! ( laughter ) >> yes, the all-knowing zoltar remembers you well. i want to say -- tim something? ( laughter ) >> tom. tom. tom hanks. >> stephen: yes. we worked on that movie
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together, the santa claus. >> no, it was "big." >> stephen: right. ( cheers and applause ) >> hello, sweetheart. >> stephen: i usually say champ. >> well, you don't mind if i call you sweetheart, do you, honey bunch? listen, we know there is a lot of uncertainty in your life right now. >> things are changing. there is strange hair in places you never expected. >> like the oval office. ( laughter ) but we just want to tell you that everything is going to be okay. >> stephen: yeah, we really want to tell you that but we can't. >> nope. >> stephen: sorry. but this helps. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> what?! >> stephen: yep. the guy from "the apprentice"? >> stephen: yep. i guess you do your own stunts
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then. ( laughter ) i mean, with all due respect, i find that hard to believe. ( applause ) >> come out from behind the desk. ( audience reacts ) >> hands in pockets, buddy. >> stephen: you want to go? it's already begun. ( laughter ) oh! >> stephen: that's what i'm talking bout, willis! ( crashing sounds ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm gluten free you son of a pitch! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> are you not entertained? >> stephen: donald trump!
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what?! >> stephen: yes. you get out of my way! ( laughter ) >> stephen: you play rose, i'll play jack. the titanic has gone down and we float in the north atlantic clinging to our lives and our love. ( laughter ) let's get a little wet. >> okay. it's freezing! >> stephen: we're drowning, it's freezing cold. get in character. all right. all right. and -- act. >> i can't feel my body. ( laughter ) >> stephen: winning that ticket, rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me. it brought me to you, and i'm thankful for that, rose. i'm thankful. you must do me this honor, you must promise me that you will survive, that you won't give up, no matter what happens, no
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matter how hopeless! promise me now, rose, and never let go of that promise. >> i promise! ( laughter ) >> stephen: never let go! i'll never let go, jack! i'll never let go -- jack? ( applause ) jack! ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, bradford? yes, steve-a-reno. >> stephen: do you think beauty is only skin deep? >> i don't know. i've never taken my skin off. ( laughter ) >> what do you think oprah's doing right now. >> stephen: probably talking to gayle in their secret language. ( laughter ) ( applause ) will, are you an introvert or an
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extrovert? >> um, that depends on how cold the water is. ( laughter ) >> five minutes to show time, people! >> oh, my god! quick! you! get me footage of an old lady slipping on ice. >> one frozen granny fanny coming up. as steve carell always says. >> yeah, always says that. give me three puns about donald rumsfeld's penis. >> shalonal. no wonder we win emmys. all right. >> stephen: what about me, john, what do i do? >> stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something, makes people think you're smart. >> stephen: got it. ( laughter ) want to see something spooky? >> yeah. oh! don't do that! it's not funny!
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>> stephen: hey, ow! ow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: when i grow up, i'm going to be president so i'll have the secret service stop you from doing that to me. >> hello. >> stephen: i'm randy. i'm the office manager. >> hello, randy. >> stephen: this is going to go very well. >> are you intending on helping me sharpen my skills when i go in for an interview, is that your intention here. >> stephen: it's what i do for a living. >> okay. >> stephen: we're here to find out what you're going to do for a living. >> okay. >> stephen: 55, tough time to start over for a man. ( laughter ) doesn't say here. where were you born? >> really? >> stephen: i is this the longest form of this resume available? >> why don't we move on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you have any awards or commendations? >> well, i have almost 30 honorary degrees and i did get
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the nobel peace prize. >> stephen: oh, really? what was that for? >> to be honest, i still don't know. >> stephen: next, steve carell know. >> stephen: next, steve carell takes me to prom. vey probiotics, endless fiber-- it could be wearing on you. tell your doctor what you've tried, and how long you've been at it. linzess works differently from laxatives. linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. it can help relieve your belly pain and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. do not give linzess to children less than six and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. it may harm them. don't take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. the most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. if it's severe, stop taking linzess
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springsteen, paul simons, mabel staples. but a lot of them were missing something -- turned out to be me. jim? >> john, do you know anything from fidler? >> yeah, what about the -- ( piano music ) ♪ match maker match maker make me a match ♪ ♪ find me a find ♪ catch me a catch ( humming ) >> line? ♪ and make me a perfect match ( cheers and applause ) ♪ for me, well, i wouldn't holler if he were as handsome as anything ♪ ( singing ) ♪
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♪ ♪ life is gonna be a wow, wow-wee ♪ ♪ for my shadow and me ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hello lamp post ♪ nice to see ya ♪ we might get bombed by north korea ♪ ♪ we're getting close to world war iii ♪ ♪ so run for the shelters ♪ feeling groovy badadadadada ♪ ♪ feeling groovy ♪ wells fargo arena ♪ cheesecake jamboree ♪ where your mind can be set free ♪ ♪ miss power girl will change the world ♪ ♪ if donors all agree
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♪ well, that's one way to wiggle but listen up close, there's a different kind of wiggle that i dig the most. you just stretch your back wings an make them clap ♪ ♪ and don't forget to do the skeleton clap ♪ ♪ mak stick my face in the candy bowl, turn you around like a hershey -- ♪ ♪ my kind of america ♪ u.s.a. ♪ my kind of america ♪ freedom made et that way ♪ dance with me ♪ i want to be your partner ♪ can't you see ♪ the music is just starting ♪ night is calling
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♪ and i am falling ♪ dance with me ♪ ♪ ♪ let it lift you off the ground ♪ ♪ starry eyes and love is all around you ♪ ♪ night is calling ♪ and i am falling ♪ dance with me ♪ . ♪ wacky hats ♪ crazy ties worn but thousands of white guys ♪ ♪ an entire airplane hanger filled with donald trump's ex-wives ♪ ♪ we'll see knew the, ron and rand,. ♪ maybe members of the klan ♪ but no muslims or latinos because i think they've all been banned ♪ ♪ i'm john freaking adams ♪ i know where we signed ♪ from boston to carolina ( rap music ) ♪ist a mystery why you're pissed
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at me but gwyneth will make history. don't you forget ♪ ♪ tell 'em my name ♪ what's my name? ♪ ♪ two best friends singing a song ♪ ♪ two best friends always get along ♪ ♪ my friend is fun like christmas eve ♪ ♪ my friend's a pal i can always believe in ♪ ♪ that's why i love my best friend steve ♪ ♪ that's why i love my best friend gary ♪ ♪ two friends -- >> stephen: wait, wait, steve, who's gary? >> he's my best friend. i have been singing about him this whole time just like you have been singing about your best friend steve. ( gasps ) ( laughter ) ♪ it's the end of the year as we
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know it ♪ ♪ it's the end of the year as we know it ♪ ♪ it's the end of the year as we know it ♪ ♪ and i feel fine ♪ it's the end of the year as we know it ♪ ♪ it's the end of the year as we know it ♪ ♪ it's the end of the year as we know it ♪ ♪ and i feel fine ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: after the break, i spent the day with a putin connected russian oligarch. stick around to find out if i'm murdered. ultimate freshness... with every move. the more you move, the more it works. degree, it won't let you down.
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the best or nothing. >> stephen: you may have noticed i'm not in the theater for this intro. i am what we industry insiders call in the field and what normal people call-out side. that's because while i love doing bits and talking to celebrities in the ed sullivan theater, sometimes i just want to dress up like an average guy and talk to real ordinary folks, folks like astronauts and billionaire russian oligarchs.
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jim? julie gross master practitioner of the myers-briggs personality assessment dropped by my office to administer the test. what if we find out i don't have a personality? ( laughter ) >> it is simply not possible to have no personality. >> stephen: have you ever met ryan secrest? >> no. ( applause ) >> are you more attracted to a person with a quick and brilliant mind or a practical person with a lot of common sense? >> stephen: i'm flattered but i'm in a relationship right now, thank you. ( applause ) i'm not going to say i'm not feeling it, too, but let's be professional about this, julie. what was the question? i got lost in your teeth there for a second. ( laughter ) you guys say light this cannedle? >> we never say that. >> stephen: if i said let's light this candle, would you know what i mean? >> i would know exactly what you mean but the cooler astronauts don't say that. >> stephen: what's the cool thing to say?
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>> ready to fly. >> stephen: ready to fly? ready to fly? >> stephen: let's light this candle. >> stephen: you bring the beef, i'll bring the buns. hot dog joke. that's all i've got. ive driven away everyone who ever loved me. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: it's show team.
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it's show time. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ hello. join me, won't you? in the bedroom of the presidential suite of the ritz carlton hotel in moscow. when you're in this room -- i don't know how to describe it. it's soaked in history. it just -- it just washes over you. i mean, it's not even like it's in the past. you're in history. you're in it. you know what i'm saying? ( laughter ) >> stephen: the one thing left to do was the one thing democrats real will didn't want me to do, mount the podium where hillary would be crowned. >> podium pass. >> stephen: i have a podium pass. >> oh. >> stephen: thank you very much.
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i'll leave if you let the weasel on. what could the weasel hurt? ♪ what so proudly we hail at the twilight's last gleaming ♪ ♪ whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪ ♪ through the perilous fight ♪ over the ramparts we watched ♪ were so gallantly streaming >> can i pull his teeth? >> stephen: yes. if you said no, you would never leave the country. >> stephen: that's hilarious? ( laughter ) >> an oligarch, you need to have balance. >> stephen: yes. and for the balance, an oligarch balance, you need both. >> stephen: those i have, my friend. >> this is cool. >> stephen: this is like dr. seuss' sex dungeon. ( laughter ) ♪
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( applause ) >> okay, when you're done talking and made them happy and say goodbye, you might want to say happy thanksgiving. >> stephen: is it more important to have a happy beginning of the phone call or a happy ending? >> all the way through. >> stephen: all the way through? >> keep it happy, informative. when you're done, see the black button? that's going to get release and -- >> stephen: the release is right there? >> right. >> stephen: after the happy ending, i hit the black button for the full release? >> that's right. >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: do you know who i am? >> yeah, i know you. >> stephen: who am i? yeah, i know. >> stephen: who am i? you're a very cool guy from u.s.a. >> stephen: do you know my name? >> jimmy colbert? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i know you have white balls on your ep let there and these on my shoulders.
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what are these for? >> these are black tracks, basically a computerized spotlight. wherever you move, they'll narrowly you. ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: so i became tax professional -- otto i snuck into the h.&r. block undetected. do you mind if i make duplicates? >> no. >> stephen: thank you very much. ( laughter ) what? ( laughter )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: on behalf of myself and the entire amazing staff and crew here at "the late show," thank you so much for watching these past two years. tonight is our 407th episode. you know what they say? you always remember your 407t 407th. though i won't because, again, i'm not here. i'm in los angeles. this is a pre-tape. tune in tomorrow when i will be joined by hillary rodham clinton, yeah, that one. we'll be talking about her new book and, who knows, maybe my new book. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ put stuff in your mouth. ♪ what could be sweet. ♪ it's the "late, late show." ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside the gravef

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