tv MSNBC Special Coverage White House Correspondents Association Dinner MSNBC April 30, 2016 7:00pm-8:01pm PDT
thanks so much for staying up with us on this saturday night. i'm craig melvin. you're watching msnbc's special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. president obama's eighth and last. the president expected to take the microphone about 15, 20 minutes from now. we've got our eye on the room. we've also spent some time asking people inside that room what they are going to miss most about this president's delivery. >> i know this family. i think they're fantastic. i actually helped campaign for him. i think that he has done an incredible job in the platforms that he's wanted to advance. but there are some things that we still need to address. >> i'm glad we're here. it's a great honor and a privilege. i love him. and love him as a president.
if i get a chance to shake his hand, i'll thank him profusely. >> oh, bittersweet. bittersweet. and i'm sorry to see them go. they absolutely represented the usa. >> he's been great on science and climate change, everybody. he has fought that fight as hard as he could. >> he's a great president. i mean, for me, like what i -- i've been -- like i've been here in america the whole time he's been president. and the perspective that people have also outside of america is much better than any other president that i've been around. >> i think people will miss his -- what are people going to miss most? i think they're going to miss him and everything that he brought to the white house, to his politics. i think he has a great balance of service to the community, of really giving back. >> scandal well represented
inside that room, i'm told. we have an a-list panel standing by with perspective as things kick off here in washington, including political comedian scott blakeman, bed fuey, lolula, and commentator nancy giles. thanks for sticking around with me as we are about 15 minutes away from president obama's speech inside that room. lola, what are you most looking forward to hearing president obama talk about? >> trump. i have to say. fit comes close to the level of 2011, it will be a night to remember. and again, nothing's off limits and trump has given him a host of new material. he doesn't even have to go to the hair. who cares about the hair? there's so much to discuss now. >> besides trump, besides trump -- >> who else is going to matter? >> well -- >> i think he will, you know, discuss ted cruz and his running
mate and apparently he's taking the oath of office tomorrow, ted cruz, he's a very optimistic guy. i think as i said earlier, i think the president is going to look back at eight years, a lot there. he may not do the same material but go back in some of the same areas. also go down the list. i wonder if hillary's sitting around, assuming she's the nominee, gee, i hope he doesn't -- worrying about what he's going to do. as larry wilmore's pointed out, the president in the best sense doesn't care the last couple of years, he's been out there, fearless. i think tonight as you said is getting more fearless and funny and edgier than ever. >> not to be a buzzkill but donald trump last time when the president eviscerated him was just a reality show guy. donald trump this time is the leading contender for the republican presidential nominati nomination. a big target on his back but also a remarkable change that's happened in five years. on some level he has to be treated far more seriously than he was in 2011. >> i think the president is
going to use this moment to tear him down and to say to the american public, this is absurd. >> that's right. >> this is the person that you are seriously thinking of replacing me? i predict that he's going to spend the bulk of his time on that stage dismantling trump sentence by sentence by sentence. >> is there any danger in president obama going too far? >> no. >> with the anti-trump stuff? >> no. >> is there any danger having him spend five minutes of his speech on donald trump? >> no. >> he spent ten minutes last time. >> he did and it worked really well. again, like i was saying, i can't find funny things to say about trump because i think he's really dangerous. put in the president's hands i totally agree with lowell lashes let's be serious, this is a guy that's had bankruptcies, multiple marriages, infidelities, was built up by his father's wealth. horrible hair. with all that money, the hair is horrible. bad gesturing. small hands.
you know, a nut job. >> and the leading contender for the republican presidential nomination. >> i know -- garnered 8 million votes -- >> that doesn't mean it's not prime material. >> oh, it is prime material. >> president obama's speech right now, he's starting a little beryl, let's listen in. >> -- last and perhaps the last white house correspondents' dinner. you all look great. the end of the republic has never looked better. i do apologize. i know i was a little late tonight. i was running on cpt. which stands for, jokes that white people should not make.
my brilliant and beautiful wife michelle is here tonight. she looks so happy to be here. that's called practice. it's like learning to do three-minute planks. and she makes it look easy now. next year at this time, someone else will be standing here in this very spot. and it's anyone's guess who she will be. but standing here, i can't help but be reflective. a little sentimental. eight years ago i said it was time to change the tone of our
politics. in hindsight, i clearly should have been more specific. eight years ago i was a young man. full of idealism. and vigor. and look at me now. i am gray. grizzled. just counting down the days till my death panel. hillary once questioned whether i'd be ready for a 3:00 a.m. phone call. now i'm awake anyway because i got to go to the bathroom. i'm up.
in fact, somebody recently said to me, mr. president, you are so yesterday. justin trudeau has completely replaced you. he's so handsome, he's so charming. he's the future. and i said, justin, just give it a rest. i resented that. meanwhile, michelle has not aged a day. the only way you can date her in photos is by looking at me. take a look. here we are in 2008. here we are a few years later. and this one is from two weeks ago.
so time passes. in just six short months i will be officially a lame duck. which means congress now will flat-out reject my authority. and republican leaders won't take my phone calls. and this is going to take some getting used to. it's really going to -- it's a curveball. i don't know what to do with it. of course, in fact, for months now congressional republicans have been saying there are things i cannot do in my final year. unfortunately this dinner was not one of them. but on everything else, it's another story. and you know who you are,
republicans. in fact, i think we've got republican senators tim scott and corey gardner. they're in the house. which reminds me, security? bar the doors. judge merritt garland, come on out, we're going to do this right here, right now! just like the red wedding. but it's not just congress. even some foreign leaders, they've been looking ahead. anticipating my departure. last week, prince george showed up to our meeting in his bathrobe. that was a slap in the face.
a clear breach of protocol. although while in england i did have lunch with her majesty the queen. took in a performance of shakespeare. hit the links with david cameron. just in case anybody is still debating whether i'm black enough, i think that settles the debate. i won't lie, look, this is a tough transition. it's hard. key staff are now starting to leave the white house. even reporters have left me. savannah guthrie, she's left the white house press corps to host the "today" show. norah o'donnell left the briefing room to host "cbs this
morning." jake tapper left journalism to join cnn. but the prospect of leaving the white house is a mixed bag. you might have heard that someone jumped the white house fence last week. but i have to give secret service credit. they found michelle, brought her back, she's safe. she's safe back at home now. it's only nine more months, baby. settle down. and yet somehow, despite all this, despite the churn, in my
final year my approval ratings keep going up. the last time i was this high, i was trying to decide on my major. and here's the thing. i haven't really done anything differently. so it's odd. even my age can't explain the rising poll numbers. what has changed? nobody can figure it out. puzzling. anyway. in this last year, i do have more appreciation for those who have been with me on this
amazing ride. like one of our finest public servants, joe biden. god bless him. love that guy. i love joe biden, i really do. and i want to thank him for his friendship, for his counsel, for always giving it to me straight. for not shooting anybody in the face. thank you, joe. also i would be remiss. let's give it up for our host larry wilmore. also known as one of the two black guys who's not jon stewart. you're the south african guy, right?
i love him. i love larry. and his parents are here, who are from evanston, which is a great town. i also would like to acknowledge some of the award-winning reporters that we have with us here tonight. rachel mcadams. mark ruffalo. liev schreiber. thank you all for everything that you've done. i'm just joking. as you know, "spotlight" is a film, a movie, about investigative journalists with the resources and the autonomy to chase down the truth and hold the powerful accountable. best fantasy film since "star wars." look. that was maybe a cheap shot.
i understand the news business is tough these days. it keeps changing all the time. every year at this dinner somebody makes a joke about buzzfeed, for example, changing the media landscape. and every year "the washington post" laughs a little bit less hard. kind of a silence there. especially at "the washington post" table. gop chairman reince priebus is here as well. glad to see that you feel that you've earned a night off. congratulations on all your success. the republican party, the nomination process -- it's all going great. keep it up.
kendall jenner is also here. and we had a chance to meet backstage. she seems like a very nice young woman. i'm not exactly sure what she does. but i am told that my twitter mentions are about to go through the roof. helen mirren is here tonight. i don't even have a joke here. i just think helen mirren is awesome. she's awesome. sitting at the same table i see mike bloomberg.
mike, a combative, controversial new york billionaire is leading the gop primary and it is not you. that has to sting a little bit. although it's not an entirely fair comparison. between you and the donald. after all, mike was a big city mayor. he knows policy in depth. and he's actually worth the amount of money that he says he is. what an election season. for example, we've got the bright new face of the democratic party here tonight, mr. bernie sanders. there he is.
bernie! bernie, you look like a million bucks. or to put it in terms you'll understand, you look like 37,000 donations of $27 each. a lot of folks have been surprised by the bernie phenomenon. especially his appeal to young people. but not me. i get it. just recently a young person came up to me and said she was sick of politicians standing in the way of her dreams. as if we were actually going to let malia go to burning man this year. was not going to happen. bernie might have left her t he. not us.
i am hurt, though, bernie, that you've been distancing yourself a little from me. i mean, that's just not something that you do to your comrade. bernie's slogan has helped his campaign catch fire among young people. feel the bern. feel the bern. it's a good slogan. hillary's slogan has not had the same effect. you'll see this. look. i've said how much i admire
hillary's toughness, her smarts, her policy chops, her experience. you've got to admit it, though. hillary trying to appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative who just signed up for facebook. dear america, did you get my poke? is it appearing on your wall? i'm not sure i'm using this right. love, aunt hillary. it's not entirely persuasive. meanwhile, on the republican side. things are a little more, how shall we say this -- a little more loose. just look at the confusion over the invitations to tonight's dinner. guests were asked to check whether they wanted steak or fish. but instead, a whole bunch of
you wrote in "paul ryan." that's not an option, people. steak or fish. you may not like steak or fish. but that's your choice. meanwhile, some candidates aren't polling high enough to qualify for their own joke tonight. the rules were well established ahead of time. and then there's ted cruz. ted had a tough week. he went to indiana.
hoosier country. stood on a basketball court and called the hoop a basketball ring. what else is in his lexicon? baseball sticks? football hats? but sure, i'm the foreign one. well, let me conclude tonight on a more serious note. i want to thank the washington press corps, i want to thank carol for all that you do. the free press is central to our democracy. and -- nah. i'm just kidding.
you know i've got to talk about trump. come on. we weren't just going to stop there. come on. although i am a little hurt that he's not here tonight. we had so much fun the last time. and it is surprising. you've got a room full of reporters, celebrities, cameras, and he says no. is this dinner too tacky for the donald? what could he possibly be doing instead? is he at home, eating a trump steak? tweeting out insults to angela merkel? what's he doing?
the republican establishment is incredulous that he's their most likely nominee. incredulous, shocking. they say donald lacks the foreign policy experience to be president. but in fairness, he has spent years meeting with leaders from around the world. miss sweden. miss argentina. miss azerbaijan. and there's one area where donald's experience could be invaluable. and that's closing guantanamo. because trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.
all right, that's probably enough. i've got more material. no, no, no. i don't want to spend too much time on the donald. following your lead, i want to show some restraint. because i think we can all agree that from the start, he's gotten the appropriate amount of coverage befitting the seriousness of his candidacy. i hope you all are proud of yourselves. the guy wanted to give his hotel business a boost, and now we're praying that cleveland makes it through july. hm, hm, hm. hm.
as for me and michelle, we've decided to stay in d.c. for a couple more years. this way our youngest daughter can finish up high school. michelle can stay closer to her plot of carrots. she's already making plans to see them every day. take a look. but our decision has actually presented a bit of a dilemma because traditionally presidents don't stick around after they're done. and it's something that been brooding about a little bit. take a look. >> the obamas are staying in d.c. for two years after the president leaves office. >> he's about to go from commander in chief to couch commander. >> [ bleep ] you, chuck todd. what am i going to do in d.c. for two years?
♪ >> you've got a real dilemma, mr. president. >> i can't golf every day, can i? >> which do you like better? these? or these? >> joe, they're the same. >> they capture different moods. >> joe, i need some focus here. >> aviator time -- >> sorry, what's that? >> i said, mr. president, you have to be practical. you can drive again. you're going to need a license. you love sports, why don't you volunteer to work for one of the teams around here? >> is this washington wizards? i understand you're looking for some coaching help? let's just say i coached my daughter's team a few times. hello? hello? >> 34. >> finally. i'm going to be in d.c. for a while and i thought i'd take up driving again. >> what's the name? >> barack hussein obama. >> yikes. well, since you don't have a driver's license, you're going to need a birth certificate. >> really? >> really.
>> it's real. >> is it? >> it's real. >> but is it? >> huh. michelle left her phone. let's see here. huh. she's got snapchat. obamacare is great! and it's really working! sign up now! >> breaking news -- >> michelle obama in hot water after posting this video earlier today. >> obamacare is great! and it's really working! sign up now! >> no? >> no. >> did it get a lot of views at least? >> honey, enough, enough. why don't you talk to somebody who's been through this? i've got to go to soul cycle. >> she's right. i know who i need to talk to. hey. it's barack. listen, can we get together?
now that is a great movie. >> yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> so you got any advice for me? >> now you want my advice? first, stop sending me all these linkedin requests. second, here's the beauty to this whole thing. you've got all the time in the world to figure this out. you can just be you for a while. if you know how to do that again. >> so i can just be me. and i can wear my mom jeans in peace. i hate these tight jeans. >> good, good. yesterday i had a beer at 11:30 in the morning. and you know mcdonald's now serves breakfast all day long. >> you know, michelle's going to be at spin class, she'll never know, right? >> let it go. it won't be long you'll be able to walk right out of the oval office singing
"zip-a-dee-doo-dah." you'll have plenty of time to work on your tan. and you know what? i finally got the grand bargain. on a sweet chevy tahoe. ♪ look here. look here, here, you want one? hm? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> president barack obama on his 347th round of golf for the year and it's totally great! and gloria, not a problem for anybody. >> i can't think of a reason to care, wolf. and believe me, i've tried. >> there you go. i am still waiting for all of you to respond to my invitation to connect to linkedin. but i know you have jobs to do,
which is what really brings us here tonight. i know that there are times that we've had differences and that's inherent in our institutional roles. it's true of every president and his press corps. but we've always shared the same goal. to root our public discourse in the truth. to open the doors of this democracy. to do whatever we can to make our country and our world more free and more just. and i've always appreciated the role that you have all played as equal partners in reaching these goals. our free press is why we once again recognize the real journalists who uncover the horrifying scandal and brought some measure of justice for thousands of victims throughout the world. they are here with us tonight. sasha pfeiffer. mike resendes. walter robinson. matt carroll. ben bradley jr.
please give them a big round of applause. our free press is why, once again, we honor jason razion as carol noted. last year we spoke of jason's courage as he endured the isolation of an iranian prison. this year we see that courage in the flesh. it's a living testament to the very idea of a free press and a reminder of the rising level of danger and political intimidation and physical threats faced by reporters overseas. and i can make this commitment that as long as i hold this office, my administration will continue to fight for the release of american journalists held against their will, and we will not stop until they see the same freedom as jason had.
at home and abroad, journalist , like all of you engage in the dogged pursuit of informing citizens and holding leaders accountable and making our government of the people possible. and it's an enormous responsibility. and i realize it's an enormous challenge at a time when the economics of the business sometimes incentivize speed over depth and when controversy and conflict are what most immediately attract readers and viewers. the good news is there's so many of you that are pushing against those trends. and as a citizen of this great democracy, i am grateful for that. for this is also a time around the world where some of the fundamental ideals of liberal democracies are under attack. and when notions of objectivity and of a free press and of facts
and of evidence are trying to be undermined. or in some cases ignored entirely. in such a climate, it's not enough just to give people a megaphone. that's why your power and your responsibility to dig and to question and to counter distortions and untruths is more important than ever. taking a stand on behalf of what is true does not require you shedding your objectivity. in fact, it is the essence of good journalism. it affirms the idea that the only way we can build consensus, the only way that we can move forward as a country, the only way we can help the world mend itself, is by agreeing on a baseline of facts when it comes to the challenges that confront us all. so this night is a testament to all of you who have devoted your lives to that idea.
who push to shine a light on the truth every single day. so i want to close my final white house correspondents dinner by just saying, thank you. i'm very proud of what you've done. it has been an honor and a privilege to work side by side with you to strengthen our democracy. and with that i just have two more words to say. obama out. >> i knew he was going to do that. >> what a fitting end for president obama's eighth and final white house correspondents dinner. and he drops the mike. that after spending about 33 minutes on everything from the donald to -- we even got a we
joke, a dick cheney joke, a justin trudeau joke. he started with hillary clinton. i'm joined at the table by a fellow named david litz, the claim to fame is you helped write the last four correspondents' dinner addresses. also gave us the anger translator last year. he's with funny or die right now. your initial assessment? >> i'm not surprised to say i thought he did great. everything from the beginning like you talked about making some tubmans, to the end, a cameo with a surprisingly game john boehner. that was i think a fitting end. >> larry wilmore's taken to the mike. we'll chat a bit after he's done. let's listen in. >> well, welcome to negro night here in washington. or as fox news will report, "two thugs disrupt elegant dinner d.c." that's how they do it.
nice to be here though at the white house correspondents' dinner. or as you know they're going to call it next year, donald trump presents a luxurious evening paid for by mexico. very scared of that. but thank you so much. it's an absolute honor to be here tonight. i want to thank the president, the first lady, the white house correspondents' association for hiring me, and mitch mcconnell for not blocking my nomination. seriously, you've got to give mitch mcconnell credit. at this point he could block lebron james. he's unbelievable. but to tell you a little bit about me, so i am a black man who replaced a white man who pretended to be a tv newscaster. so, yeah, in that way lester holt and i have a lot in common. and i have to admit it's not easy to follow the president.
you've got some jokes, mr. president. president's funny. stay in your lane, man. you don't see me going around presidenting all the time, right? i don't go around passing health care and signing executive orders, pardoning turkeys. not closing guantanamo. oh, wait, maybe i did do that. but i have to say, it's great. it looks like you're really enjoying your last year of the presidency. saw you hanging out with nba players like steph curry, golden state warriors. that was cool, that was cool, yeah. kind of makes sense too because both of you like raining down bombs on people from long distances, right? yeah? true? what? am i wrong? what? speaking of drones, how is wolf blitzer still on television?
ask a follow-up question. hey, wolf, i'm ready to project tonight's winner. anyone that isn't watching "the situation room." no, all right. fine. i like wolf. vice president joe biden is here? nice to see you, vice president. that's great. i heard joe's retiring, moving back to delaware, which is good. he won't have to answer any more difficult questions like, hey, don't i know you from somewhere? but i have to say about the first lady, it's so nice to have dinner with you. she's the epitome of grace, class and poise, isn't she? she really is, yeah. not to be confused with future first gentleman bill clinton whose three favorite strippers are named grace, class and poise. don't make that mistake. it's "the late show," mr.
president, i can do these jokes. let me just say, mr. president, the office has taken its toll. you look terrible, mr. president. no, you do. i mean, look at you, your hair is so white it tried to punch me at a trump rally. president's hair so is white he keeps saying, all lives matter. all right, mine. fine, i get it. i get it. no, man, you came in here looking like denzel, right? now you going out look like grady from "sanford and sons." you're dated, mr. president. you'll all i'm saying is that in less than two years you bested two honored black stereotypes. black does crack. and apparently once you go black, it looks like we are going back.
yeah. thanks, ben carson. i got to be careful picking on you, though, mr. president. couple of years ago during this dinner you were like killing osama bin laden. remember that? who are you killington night? can't be print journalism, that industry's been dead for a while now, right? sorry. i'm just kidding. shout-out to the print media. no, really. you have to shout. they're like all over 70 now. the follow-up was nice, wasn't it. oh, by the way, black lives matter is here tonight. i'm just kidding, relax, white people, they're not here. just a joke. just relax, just relax. but i am impressed with the people in this room. there are so many rich, powerful people in this room. it's night to finally match the names to the faces in the panama papers. it's very nice.
nice to see them come together. will submit is here from the upcoming movie "suicide squad." yeah. big will. by the way, not to be confused with the new jeb bush documentary "suicide watch." yeah. groans are good, groans are good. anthony anderson is here from the hit show "black-ish." which is also my nickname in high school, unfortunately. that's what they call you in kenya too, mr. president? c-span of course is carrying tonight's dinner live. yeah. which is ironic because most of their viewers aren't. it's true, guys. c-span is the number one network among people who died watching tv and no one's found them yet.
no, but it is good to be on c-span. glad i'm not on your rival network, no input, hdmi 1. that was for me. that was for me. cnn is here tonight. mention cnn, yeah. i've been watching cnn a long time. used to watch it back when it was a news network. i did. is it all cnn here tonight? i don't know about you guys but i can't get enough of that cnn countdown clock. now we can see exactly when they hit zero in the ratings. yeah. not to throw any shade, but fox news is the highest-rated cable news channel among viewers who have no idea what shade means. fox news actually tried to
convince america that beyonce was anti-cop after her black panther-inspired performance at the super bowl. anti-cop, come on. at the most she's anti-pants. all right? i think fox news secretly likes beyonce, though. they just renamed "the kelly file" "becky with the good hair." lemonade, mr. vice president? lemonade? msnbc. msnbc here tonight. no? which actually now stands for missing a significant number of black correspondents. am i wrong? they like fired melissa harris perry. they canceled joy reid. they booted tore touray. i heard they put chris hayes on probation because they thought he was related to isaac hayes. that's wrong. msnbc got rid of so many black people i thought boko haram was running that network.
what is going on? i should say some of america's finest black journalists are here tonight. don lemon's here too. hey, don, how's it going? alleged journalist don lemon, everybody. al sharpton i think was here tonight. you know, i'm surprised al's a hillary supporter. you don't put a relaxer in your hair for 40 years and not feel the bern. that just doesn't happen. it's impossible. is what i'm saying. right? if you're sitting next to al sharpton, feel free to feel the perm. it's okay, we've cleared it, it's all right. lots of big news this year. the treasury promised to put harriet tubman's face on the $10 bill.
now we have to wait till 2030 for the $20 bill. women haven't been this deceived by a bill since cosby. oh, like i did it. ben carson was also against harry tubman replacing andrew jackson on the $20 bill. he praised jackson saying he was a tremendous president. from the grave andrew jackson replied, what did that jigaboo say? that's what he said, that's what he said. i'm just the reporter, you guys. i'm just the reporter. i'm the reporter, mr. president. yeah. did larry wilmore say jigaboo on obama's last -- i did, i honestly did. but 2016 has been a beast though, man. we lost david bowie, merle haggard, prince. or as hillary clinton calls it, my favorite singer, my favorite singer, my favorite singer.
no? okay. biggest thing this year though has been the presidential election. lincoln chafee ran an admiral challenge pain. now he's back to doing what he does best, manning the pottery booth at the craft fair. chris christie was supposed to be here tonight. i don't know if he made it. he rsvp'd for three. him, his wife, and donald trump's dry cleaning. i shouldn't make fun. chris lost a lot of the weight recently, didn't he? this is what he said. he said he just eliminated everything from his routine that wasn't necessary, like his self-pride and dignity. you guys are tough, man. senator bernie sanders here tonight. senator? what a surprise, you never come to these things. he usually goes to the white house correspondents' early bird dinner. yeah, nice of you to come to this one this time, senator, i
appreciate it. senator recently had a hernia operation. his doctors say it's his own fault for trying to lift the hopes of the disenfranchised. you got to stretch before you do that, senator. i am confused with bernie's stance on guns. he seems antigun. he seems to be antigun everywhere except vermont. bernie doesn't care who gets a gun in vermont. there are no black people in vermont. i have to give you credit, bernie. you are trying hard to get the black vote. i think it's great. bernie's been hanging around with rapper killer mike. or as hillary clinton calls him, super predator mike. it's true. bernie sanders gets a knock for his age, which is kind of unfair. it is, isn't it? although i will say that bernie's so old his first campaign slogan was "fire."
remember that? remember that? that's cool. free stuff, right? yeah. bernie's so old when god said let there be light bernie said, conserve energy, let's sit in the dark, it's okay. but man, you have to admit, it is a really tough race between senator bernie sanders and democrat nominee hillary clinton. hillary clinton was flustered when a black lives matter protester challenged her. man. whoo. i haven't seen a white lady that upset over being brine sided by a black person since kelly ripa. right? exactly. hillary's had some awkward interactions with black lives matter. she has, man. you know it's bad when her immediate response is, can't we talk about benghazi? please? and bernie got in trouble,
remember bernie you got in trouble for saying hillary was unqualified? that's right, hillary, she is extremely qualified. in fact, when you factor in all of her policy flip-flops she is at least several of the most qualified candidates ever to run for president. you know i'm not wrong. donald trump said that if hillary clinton were a man, he didn't think she'd get 5% of the vote. okay. all right. all right, first of all, if hillary clinton were suddenly a man, her biggest problem would be finding a bathroom she'd be allowed to use in north carolina. right? that would be her biggest problem. donald trump, now donald trump says he's going to try and be more presidential. it's true. he's serious about it too. so he says that now, when he boasts about his genitalia during a debate, he's only going to refer to it as his president johnson. that's it. lbj? oh, very good, thank you. and i can't understand why everybody treats donald trump
with kid gloves. then i realized they're the only gloves that will fit his stupid little baby hands. oh, man. but actually, frankly, donald trump, his campaign is inspiring. mass violence. whenever i turn on the tv i see trump's family campaigning for him. gushing all over him. or as it's also known, "morning joe." are you seeing -- come on, guys, seriously. no, you know it. guys, morning joe has their head so far up trump's ass, they bumped into chris christie. you know that's true. you know i'm not lying. you know that's true. but donald -- you know what it is with donald trump? donald trump looks like the rich dad in every episode of "law and order" where the frat kid
accidentally strangles a hooker, right? doesn't he? or as they say here at the washington hilton, tuesdays. tuesdays. but guys, i am not surprised donald trump is happening to america -- because i watch movies. i do. and every time there's a black president, something always comes to destroy the earth. always. it's true. ted cruz has vowed to stay in the race. man. everybody hates ted cruz. even o.j. simpson said, that guy's just hard to like. this is true, this is true. you know, there's a joke going around the internet that ted cruz is actually the zodiac killer?
right? i'm not making that up, you know. come on that's absurd. you know, some people actually liked the zodiac killer. recently ted cruz got a string of wins and endorsements. then everybody remembered who ted cruz is. the zodiac killer. ted cruz got zero delegates in new york. which is actually five more than i thought he would get for the zodiac killer. john boehner. john boehner came out of retirement and described ted cruz as lucifer in the flesh! lucifer! i mean -- that is not fair, man. lucifer is horrible but he's not the zodiac killer. recently heidi cruz revealed that after they got married, ted bought them like 100 cans of soup. not making herself look less
like the zodiac killer, ted cruz. not doing it. i don't even think ted cruz wants to be president. i think he's just crisscrossing the country zodiac killing. that's my theory on it. all right, that's enough on that. ted cruz actually announced carly fiorina as his vp pick. and he's not even the nominee yet. you've seen this, right? who does that? except the zodiac killer. no, but see here, think how strange it is, you guys, think how strange it is. ted cruz picked a vice president, that doesn't make sense, because serial killers always work alone. starting to make sense now. and i don't know if you've thought about this, but if carly fiorina were vice president, she would only be a heartbeat away from being zodiac killed. it's very important information.
people should know. but right now it's all about you, mr. president. you've got seven months left. and we should enjoy every moment of it. that's right. soak it in, people. i don't know when we're getting a black president again. i mean, they're not even going to let morgan freeman be president in movies anymore for a while, right? the president and first lady will return to private life. it's going to be different for you guys. nobody to wash your dishes or change the bed linens, sweep the floors. you've got to install a bagman. oh, man. oh, i just got a note from the president saying that if you want another drink you should order it now because the bar will be closing down. of course he said the same thing about guantanamo. so you have at least another eight years. he made that joke. but just think, mr. president. less than a year. you'll be playing golf every
day. so things won't be that different. it will be great. this is your last year in office, right? so now your legacy begins. so i want to talk about what you're leaving behind. and i don't mean the black jesus in the lincoln bedroom. no, i'm just saying, make sure you take all your culturally specific items with you so you can get your security deposit back, mr. president. quick impression of the next president moving in. what's cocoa butter? i've never heard of such a thing. cocoa butter. but i have to say, when it's all said and done, mr. president, after eight years in the white house, we are really going to miss michelle. we really are. thank you for being a good
sport, mr. president, but all jokes aside, let me just say how much it means for me to be here tonight. i've always joked that i voted for the president because he's black and people say do you agree with his policies? i say, i agree with the policy that he's black. i say, as long as he keeps being black, i'm good. people say, what about iraq? is he still black? but behind that joke is a humble appreciation for the historical implications for what your presidency means. when i was a kid, i lived in a country where people couldn't accept a black quarterback. now think about that. a black man was thought by his mere color not good enough to lead a football team. and now to live in your time, mr. president, when a black man can lead the entire free world.
words alone do me no justice. so, mr. president, i'm going to keep it humble. yo, barry. you did it my -- you did it. thank you very much, good night. >> larry wilmore in his first and last appearance, likely, at the white house correspondents dinner. well, maybe he kept it on, i don't know. david lynn is with us, so is the rest of our panel who's been with us all night. thanks so much for sticking around. let wrap things up here. but let's start with larry wilmore. because you made a fascinating observation during that spiel. maybe he didn't kw