tv [untitled] May 5, 2012 5:30am-6:00am PDT
a woman changes me $350. a vile half the size of my pinkie encased. this way up. i head to the clinic. i carry the sperm box inside. it's unwieldy. this is my second attempt. so i know the routine. the first time, i brought my friend. even some crouch shots. most people don't get good shots of conception. i feel confident this time,
like i'm doing my part in the world. the war in iraq started. may be this kid will be a piece maker, a modern day jesus christ as this jew understands jesus. i don't know what does. week 21, everyone thinks i'm having a boy. by everyone, i mean the waiter and my grandmother and neighbor across the street. i was getting out of my car and she yelled "your having a boy". week 22, my family is involved
it's a covenant with god. it seems like they feel plenty of pleasure. may be we should reduce a man's pleasure. may be this was god's way of reducing a man's libido. may be my son is not going to study the torah. we need to identify proudly. but then, am i imposing my will on my child? i can't have a child. week 30, i have an appointment at the hollywood birth center
where i will have natural childbirth, which i don't recommend. alex is my primary caretaker today. i read your medical records, do you want to know if it's a boy or girl? yeah, but don't tell me. i ask if she had children. not yet i said. i said it sucks. then i try to be funny. do you think epidurals have contributed. she opens my chart. is says you're having trouble holding urine. i pee every time i sneeze. may be i should wear depends.
you shouldn't sircumicize. do you have any articles about the benefits of circumcision marks a jewish boy. i know she's not a lesbian. then you don't understand. week 31, i'm not going to sircumicize. i heard on the radio that thomas jefferson owned slaves. he bowed to cultural pressure. some things are just wrong. week 32, i make the mistake of telling my mom i'm struggling
with circumcision. i don't think so. i think of the stuff that can get caught in the vagina. that's not nice. andrea. if this child is jewish. he needs to be sircumicized. you don't want your boy to feel strange. that's true. i think my anxiety is fear of having a boy. i am terrified of boys. they are wild and smelly.
she says long contractions indicate early labor. she says call in a few hours. >> dana comes over. she feeds her tea while i'm having contractions. i am in active labor. i am surprised you're so calm. i say, i'm surprised you're so calm. 11:30 p.m. dana drives to the birth center. i tell her right now i am not sad to do this. this is a solo expedition.
i dark brown blob of slim e falls out. the mucous plug has to fall out. it's the mucous plug. i am in awe of dana. 1:30 a.m. i am naked. i modified downward dog. i think of the view everyone is getting. no one cares. 4:00 a.m., i am nine centimeters. i am pruned and exhausted. you are doing great dana says,
i am not interested in being great. it's still nine centimeters. it's not time yet. she says me to blow out with my mouth. i say i might barf. 5:45 a.m. still nine, i hate dana. dana breaks my water. after 15 hours it's time to push. when you are this desperate, it's almost over. push, your pushes are excellent.
7:17. i can feel the baby's hair. you see your baby's head. 7:40. i do what she says. we rehearse. dana is guiding my baby's head. this is called ring of fire. okay. push hard. i moan like a walrus. my vagina tears to my ass. but i don't care. dana puts the baby on my chest. the cord is still attached. i am still shaking. the baby's eyes are wide open. i cry, the baby cries. i have a baby. it's a girl.