tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. i'm glad we're all here, i'll tell you. you know who else is here tonight. the great and powerful elton john is here. [ cheers and applause ] elton john has more hits and more pairs of glasses than any other recording artist. you know, years ago you probably know elton wrote a song for me. he said i could tell everybody, it was my song. it was about how wonderful the life is since i'm in the world. very sweet. guillermo, what's your all-time favorite elton john song, number one elton john song of all-time? >> guillermo: tiny -- tiny dancer. [ cheers and applause ]
that song was written for him. also tonight, very funny woman, whitney cummings is here with us. weekend. i would love to see whitney as the new bachelorette, wouldn't that be a fun thing? [ cheers and applause ] there isn't as much crying on "the bachelorette" as there is on "the bachelor" which makes it not as much fun. that. tonight was "bachelor" night on abc, quite an episode. "the bachelor" is like a reality show version of "the hobbit." everyone is on a mission to get the ring. and along the way many of these pilgrims become insane. much of the drama on tonight's show centered on olivia, who's the local news anchor from austin. she appears to be among the favorites to win ben's heart. some of the other women were talking about eolivia herein their back, making fun of her boobs, her feet and her breath.
did what any good fellow bachelor contestant would do, she got hold of olivia just to make sure she heard what all the saying. >> what were they saying? >> they started like picking apart -- like some of your like -- appearances. it's like stupid -- >> can i get? kankles. >> no. like tiny stupid -- talking about like your toes. >> my toes? >> i'm like -- >> i don't think -- >> jimmy: that is not right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: you don't talk about another woman's toes. news. and then this is where she really hits it out of the park. later on, ben comes in to share some very bad personal news. and -- no, not a whoo. pay attention to how olivia responds.
morning from my family. two people who are close to my family passed abay in a plane crash last night. these two people have been pillars of my community back home since i was little. >> can i grab you? and talk to you? i'll lead the way. so, you know, everyone has things on their body that they just like wish they could change or things -- and like mine, waist-down, i hate my legs. i hate them. like people have written blogs that i have kankles. sorry. trying to be strong all the time. this is the scariest thing ever. >> jimmy: it is. she tries to be strong. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's the scariest thing ever. okay. now back to your friends that died. who were they again? then what made the whole thing
went from the toes to a rose just like that. it's inspirational. i really believe dr. martin luther king would have approved of this. meanwhile there's always at least one nut on the show. this season her name is lace. even if you don't watch "the bachelor" you know immediately hot crazy one is because some kind of haunted circus music plays behind her every time she talks. tonight lace had been with the words no bachelor ever wants to hear. >> ben, can i talk to you for a second? >> jimmy: "can i talk to you for a second?" never good. not from a doctor, not from your boss, not from one of the bachelorette. >> i just feel like going home might be easier. and maybe just continue working on myself. and trying to better myself. because you can't love someone else until you truly love yourself. >> jimmy: any sentence that begins with "like my tattoo says." i'm in.
[ cheers and applause ] i know that's what the tattoo on your back says. but what does the dolphin on your ankle think? so lace eliminated heard, she went home. but she's definitely going to be on "bachelor in paradise." that is a guarantee. meanwhile the bachelor, before an nba game, got a mention from none other than charles barkley. >> kobe bryant will play for the lakers his last trip to oakland and they are going to try to snap golden state's winning streak at home. they have won 36 in a row -- >> they got no chance. >> 18-0. >> they're like the black girl on "the bachelor." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he was right. lakers went home crying in a limo. last night from charleston, south carolina, the democratic presidential debate between hillary clinton, bernie sanders, and an unidentified man on the side, i'm told his name is martin o'mally.
were a boy band martin o'mally would be this guy. he look is familiar but -- can't really -- you know what i'm saying? last night martin o'mally looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce which is very sad are because you know, he's a middle-aged white guy, nice head of hair. 10 years ago they would have just handed him the nomination. now he's like the attractive older man sitting in the outdoor tub during an erectile dysfunction -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: it wasn't a bendly debate. bernie and hillary went at it. watch this look bernie gives hillary. >> president obama has led our country out of the great recession. senator sanders called him weak, disappointing. he even in 2011 -- >> jimmy: let's see that again in slow motion. he's like, what the? [ laughter ] [ applause ]
74-year-old throws shade. a little extra poison. in a sense the debate was a victory for bernie sanders. in that he made it through the whole thing without dying. meanwhile in london, the british parliament today actually had a debate on whether or not to ban donald trump from the country, for real. more than half a million people of great britain signed a petition demanding the government ban donald trump from entering. so today lawmakers there -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: -- put that up for debate. >> this ridiculous individual that is mr. trump -- [ laughter ] >> who may be elected as president of the united states -- >> donald trump is a fool. he is free to be a fool. he is not free to be a dangerous fool on our shores. >> you don't need a crystal ball to recognize that the person you're dealing with may be a successful businessman, is also buffoonery.
this debate about buffoonery. you've referred to mr. trump's buffoonery. >> donald trump is an idea. >> this man is crazy. >> donald trump as buffoon. >> jimmy: a buffoon! and a waz z it. what is a wazzit? i've never heard of it before. maybe i'll ask elton john what it means, i have no idea. there you go, we're spreading fun all over the world now. today is the day on which we honor the life of dr. martin luther king jr., who was a great man, no doubt. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did brave and noble things. any fifth grader will tell you all you need to know about martin luther king but adults sometimes have a tendency to forget things. today we went on the street and asked people what they thought about martin luther king endorsing donald trump for president. obviously that didn't happen. but that didn't stop a number of
this mlk day edition of "lie witness news." >> dr. martin luther king jr. this morning came out endorsing donald trump for president. what was your reaction to that? >> he's don't. i on be a little nervous. i'd think he'd be the last one to endorse trump. >> what do you think about dr. martin luther king jr. endorsing donald trump for president? >> i figure if he's going to endorse donald trump for president, then maybe he thinks that he'll be a good president, his opinion. >> were you surprised that martin luther king jr. endorsed donald trump even though he got kicked off "celebrity apprentice" last year? >> oh, yes. i would be surprised but you've got to do what's better -- you know, the rich are going to support the rich. and they got to know how to take care of their money. because if donald trump being the money man he is will take
>> were you surprised to learn that dr. martin luther king jr. never once voted for barack obama? >> actually -- i am. >> why is that? >> i am surprised. you would think because of a minority he'd want to vote for mr. obama himself. >> but the whole being deceased and not being able to get out to vote -- >> which is true. >> do you think martin luther king endorsing donald trump was a reaction to malcolm x endorsing hillary clinton? >> well, malcolm x and hillary clinton, from martha's vineyard, they both -- malcolm x has a home on martha's vineyard so they vacation -- >> they waterski together? >> yeah, they vacation, they golf together when they're on martha's vineyard. yes, my brother lives on martha's vineyard. >> does he see malcolm x out there walking around? >> i've never seen him, my brother has, yeah. >> anything you want to say to dr. martin luther king jr. on his big way? >> congratulations, martin luther king.
that's the right thing to do. if he's going to make this a better nation for us to live under, you've got my support too. let's make this one nation under god, all the power in the world to you. so this is what we got to do for our country. >> let's bring the chargers in and keep the mexicans out. >> no, no, no, no, hey! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. save ourselves. when we come back, we're going to play "foreigner or not." stick around, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ]
the 2016 nissan altima has arrived. the microsoft cloud allows us to access information from anywhere. the microsoft cloud allows us to scale up. microsoft cloud changes our world dramatically. it wasn't too long ago it would take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome. now, we can do a hundred per day. with the microsoft cloud we don't have to build server rooms. we have instant scale.
and re-interpret our business. this cloud helps transform business. this is the microsoft cloud. [richard] we're handing out 32 million dollars, a thousand dollars at a time. a thousand people win one thousand dollars. every single day. get in on this! it's refund season. why do you think the ripples make a difference? grabs more? it's the cleanripple texture. now, do you feel so clean that you would go commando? why not! how do you feel? awesome! cottonelle has cleanripple texture so you're clean enough to go commando. what's this? a box. it takes worn out things and makes 'em better. it's our biggest breakthrough yet! we're taking worn out batteries... ...and making them into something strong. energizer ecoadvanced. world's first long lasting battery made with 4% recycled batteries. it's olive garden's new take on lighter italian fare. three new mediterranean inspired dishes.
and flavorful new! chicken piccata. all under 575 calories. only at olive garden. video streaming burns tons of data. and those other guys love over charging you for it. not t-mobile! now you can binge watch without watching your data. it's binge on - only from t-mobile. get unlimited streaming on netflix, hbo now, hulu, and more. plus get four lines with up to six gigs each for just thirty bucks a line. that's right- six gigs each plus all the video streaming you want with binge on. just thirty bucks per line.
are on the way. we shoot this show in the heart of hollywood, a great place to meet people of all nationalities, many visitors from near and far. i like to put my observational skills to the test. it's time to play "foreigner or not." out on hollywood boulevard, hello, cousin sal. >> sal: how you doing? >> jimmy: doing well. cousin sal will introduce me to a pedestrian, i've never seen this person before, the pedestrian is instructed not to speak so i can't tell if they have an accent. i will guess based on appearance alone if that person is a foreigner or not. right? >> sal: we've done this a hundred times, are you telling me? >> jimmy: let's meet pedestrian number one. okay, well. they like to -- there's a lot of thought that goes into trying to okay. hello there, sir, how you doing? >> good, how you doing today? >> jimmy: the first rule is not
but i'm guessing this gentleman doesn't follow rules. i'm guessing -- this looks like okay. cheated. but you know what? i'm going to say foreigner. and you are from? >> sal: let's see. united states. >> jimmy: oh my goodness, wait a minute, let me hear you talk again. >> i live in l.a. >> jimmy: oh, all right. what's that thing hanging around your neck? >> this is a crystal. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, you really do live in l.a., yeah. all right, we have a prize for you for participating. cousin sal will give you the most american of all things, an apple pie, enjoy. thank you very much. all right, thank you. all right. a kid who seems to have lost his parents out there on the boulevard. >> sal: he'll be fine. >> jimmy: okay, all right. i got the first one wrong. and -- okay. all right. so -- can we pan down? i'd like to see the shoes.
give-away. oh, yeah, okay. i've never seen shoes like that here in this country. but then -- i don't really know what's fashionable and what isn't. i am going to say -- that you are a -- foreigner. >> sal: let's see the flag. >> jimmy: the flag says -- yes, a foreigner! i can't see -- where are you from? >> from france. >> jimmy: where? >> france. >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. are you having fun? >> yes, so much fun. >> jimmy: are people being nice to you? >> very nice. >> jimmy: what have you done so far on your visit to l.a.? >> i'm studying in ucla. >> jimmy: you're here studying. ucla. what subject are you studying? >> it's going good. >> jimmy: okay, good. all right. all right, cousin sal has a prize for you. something you can study at home. it is a delicious american apple pie.
all right. 1 for 2. all right, okay. that's lady gaga on his shirt, she's an american. but her appeal is international so you really never know with this sort of thing. the hair is -- well. that could be -- you know, things have really -- in the old days this the hair would not have been acceptable here in hollywood. correct, cousin sal? >> sal: i agree with you, yeah. >> jimmy: i see. and his shirt is in english. can we see the shoes, please? the shoes are -- okay. adidas that could be anything. okay. wow. you know what? i'm going to go out on a limb here, i'm going to say american. i'm going to guess -- usa. where are you from? >> jimmy: what is this? dual citizenship? wow. >> i was born in mexico but i live here. >> jimmy: what? born in mexico? >> sal: a story. >> jimmy: and they said no, you
>> that's what they keep saying. but i don't want to. >> jimmy: guillermo, do you know guys with red hair in mexico? >> guillermo: no way! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. i think you get half the apple pie, i'll take the other half, okay? >> sal: he was great in "the danish girl." >> is it gluten free? >> jimmy: you really are from l.a. thank you very much. are they gluten free, cousin sal? >> sal: i'll eat them afterwards and let you know. >> jimmy: so this guy -- of course i would guess that this is an american because he has a giants shirt on. but knowing cousin sal he would never give me a lay-up like that. he has kind of an irish look to him. might not know that that's a team, might just think it's souvenir from his visit to new york. can we pan down and look at the shoes? okay, they're nikes, all right. i guess you can get those anywhere. double knots. i wonder if double knots -- is
not really, not really. i am going to say, sir, that you are -- a foreigner. is that correct? >> sal: let's see. >> jimmy: yes, indeed a foreigner! where are you from? and isn't that where i guessed, from ireland? >> you're right. >> jimmy: all right. i'm going out on a high note. cousin sal, give him his apple pie. welcome to the united states of america, enjoy your pie. thanks to everyone for participating. that's "foreigner or not." thanks, cousin sal. tonight whitney cummings is here and we'll be right back with elton john! [ cheers and applause ] so since you have at&t and directv you can get our new unlimited data plan. unlimited data? so we're like rich?! you're data rich. data rich t.i.'s "whatever you like"
get data rich. get unlimited data on four lines for $180 a month when you have at&t wireless and directv. (music) woman: i'll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but days like this, i'll never forget. get out there, in the 2016 ford escape. be unstoppable. this is my fight song take back my life song
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back. top night on the show, very funny, she has a new comedy special called "i'm your girlfriend." it premieres saturday night on hbo, the wonderful whitney cummings is here. then later, we'll go outside for music. the one and only sir elton john from the samsung outdoor stage. tomorrow night, we have a fun show tomorrow. zach galifianakis and aubrey plaza will join us, and we'll have music from weezer. and later this week, casey affleck, zac efron, vanessa hudgens, lauren cohan from "the walking dead," plus music from both savages and criminals. so please join us then. our first guest tonight is an enormously talented and influential musician who has inspired singers, songwriters, philanthropists and optometrists
his new album "wonderful crazy night" comes out february 5th. please welcome elton john. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for coming. you don't need that. how you doing? >> i'm good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you look great. i'll tell you something. i saw you in concert at the wilturn last week, you sounded
>> thank you very much. >> jimmy: voice is fantastic, piano playing, you seem to be enjoying yourself. are you enjoying yourself or pretending? >> if it wasn't for the wooden leg i'd be in great shape. no, i'm having a ball. i've put out a new album which is full of uptempo songs. i'm feeling happy. life is great. my boys are doing great, all no, things couldn't be better. >> jimmy: excellent. you talked about writing an upbeat album. we know bernie topham writes the lyrics to the songs, you write the music for the songs. what if bernie is not happy, unhappy place in his life? >> i check that out beforehand. >> jimmy: okay. >> i want to make sure we make a joyous record. he's happy at the moment, i'm very happy, so sometimes that doesn't -- the moons don't meet and we both were in the same place. so he came up with the goods. yeah, we were both feeling pretty good.
happy on the album cover. this is one of the happiest album covers. [ cheers and applause ] the last time -- i didn't know this at the time. i found out afterwards and i want to apologize. the last time you were here there were cockroaches in your dressing room? >> there were. but don't mind, don't mind. >> jimmy: it's just the filthiest venue you've ever played? >> no, [ bleep ] could take the roaches. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] in america you call them [ bleep ] roaches, right? >> jimmy: no, but we will now. by the way. great title for your next album. [ bleep ] roaches. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i wanted to show -- last time you were here you told me that you didn't have a cell phone, you weren't on twitter or any of that st me.
>> no. >> jimmy: you could afford a phone, right? it's not a money thing? >> no. it's -- i just don't want one. and i instagram things but david does that for me. i'm a luddite. >> jimmy: david did did this, correct me if i'm wrong, i believe this is a class reunion, what class was this? >> there was my 3-c class reunion from 50 years ago which happened april this year of my house. have rent seen any of these people for 50 years. >> jimmy: it was at your house? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's when you know you have juice, you have everyone come to the house instead of going to some gymnasium. >> well, i was very intimidated. years. >> jimmy: yep. >> i've been married to a woman, a man, i've got children. what were they going to think? you know, i have to say, for six hours, it was like being back at school with these people. they were so fabulous. they were my school friends.
see concerts, went everywhere together, we had so much fun. it was one of the nicest days of my life. >> jimmy: did they call you elton elton? >> sir. >> jimmy: yes, sir. >> at school they used to call me something else but they called me elton, yes. >> jimmy: how old were you when you realized, i love music so much i want this to be my life, i want to do this? >> as long as i can remember. at 3 years of age i can remember playing a piano and listening to records. music was always a constant companion for me. my family, i grew up in my grandmother's house, my mother lived there, my aunt, uncle, we all loved music. the radio was on, records were being played. wherever i've been, happy, sad, music's been my companion. >> jimmy: was there an audience? >> i didn't expect to become elton john. i thought i'd be a songwriter, maybe a piano player in a band. everything that happened to me was lucky and very fateful. i'm very grateful for it.
to succeed by your class? >> no, not really. no. i was kind of overweight, very shy. no. i mean, i was kind of meek and mild. i didn't ever envision the life that happened for me. >> jimmy: who could ever imagine this? really. >> no, you cannot write it. if someone said to me ten years ago i'd be sitting in los angeles in my house with two children, i'd have said, you put acid in my drink. and it's been the greatest ride possible. everything in my life what happened to me has been for good reason. my bad behavior got me sober, my sobriety got me my husband, my husband got me my children, everything's been fantastic, i can't complain. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a book of photographs of you by terry o'neal. this is inside your plane. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what year was this? >> about 1975, '74. >> jimmy: correct me if i'm wrong, that's a piano in your plane?
>> jimmy: an organ in the blaineplane? >> i remember being on the plane and after a show, stevie wonder was on the plane and he played "happy birthday" to me. [ applause ] there's a no smoking sign on the piano while this guy's smoking. >> it was an amazing plane. it had a bedroom, a shower. plane? sherman. remember bobby sherman? >> jimmy: yeah, of course, sure. >> he owned it and rented it out to led zeppelin, me, the rolling stones. >> jimmy: there's the bedroom, oh my god. >> that's one of my better photographs. yeah. that's the only way i could get satellite television. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: elton john is here,
back! here i am in cancun. this is me talking to la policia. this girl? totally sweating me. and uh, i don't even remember taking this one. you realize this is a job interview. i know, i wanted to show you how proficient i am in social media. we'll be in touch. excuse me. hello? hi, i'm just following up on the interview. dimpatient. dim and impatient. hunger keeps inventing new problems, so we invented new snickers crisper. all right everybody, if this doesn't get your toes tappin',
to those caked in flour... coated in dust... even covered in lava. to all the beautiful mess makers. keep it up... with delta touch2o technology, you can. see what delta can do. "beth" by kiss beth, i hear you calling... but i can't come home right now... me and the boys are playing... ... all night text beth, what can i do... [siri:] message. pick up milk. oh, right. milk.
across 21 hospitals and over 450 community and research facilities, we're 61,000 people looking to not just raise our standard but raise the standard of health care. north shore-lij is now northwell health. look north. >> jimmy: we are back with elton john, his new album "wonderful, crazy night." you still listen to vinyl, records on vinyl? >> i've begun to buy vinyl again. i sold my vinyl in 1991. the elton aids foundation, i sold my vinyl, i had so much of it, i didn't know what to do with it so i sold it. i started collecting vinyl again. i played vinyl in vegas, at home. everyone releases albums now on vinyl. it's the experience. it's the ritual of looking at
out, putting on it, listening to five tracks, getting up, turning it over. and it sounds so different, i have to say. can i say you have the best band i've ever heard on a show like this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's really nice. >> there are some great bands around but this one kicks ass. >> jimmy: thank you for saying that hear that, guys? they weren't paying attention but now they are. when you're driving you listen to the radio in the car? >> no, i don't, i listen to cds. i listen to new music because i have to keep up with everything. i have a radio show that i like to listen to new stuff. so it's so great to listen to music in the car. >> jimmy: you keep up with the young artists. from time to time we have people like ed sheeran -- >> you have savages coming on this week. >> jimmy: we do. i know ed sheeran is a guy you're involved with, brandon flowers is somebody i know that you talk to -- >> we're friends and we've been friends ever since i started going to vegas. so yeah, you have some good acts
make sure you get christina mcqueens on here, they're amazing. a french girl. >> jimmy: guillermo's in charge of all the music. christina mcqueen, she's french. >> guillermo: next week. >> jimmy: guillermo's going to get her on. i'm interested in your song writing process. we talk about bernie, how he gives you lyrics. what i did not realize until recently, reading an interview, you would talking about, and correct me if i have this wrong. you get the lyrics then you go in the studio and come up with the music right there? >> i don't get the lyrics, i just go to the studio and there's 24 lyrics waiting for me. i look through them. see which one i want to start with. then try and write a song. i never, ever know what the lyrics are going to be up front. >> jimmy: you don't sit at home -- >> no, no, no. you know, when i first started writing with bernie it was exactly the same as it is now. i would get a lyric, i would go away, and write the melody, that's never changed. it's the same thing now, exciting now as it was then. fy write a song on this album
him in, this is the song, then the band come in and learn it and we put it down. >> jimmy: do you ever come up with a melody and try to match it to lyrics that he's given? >> i've done it twice. no, once. "don't go breaking my heart." that's it. >> jimmy: wow, really. that's something else. >> that's the only time. >> jimmy: do you know of anyone else who works like that? >> there must be some people that work like that. we've been writing 49 years together this year. it's just amazing -- i don't try and analyze it. it's strange but it works so i don't question it. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. we're going to hear music when you come back. on the outdoor stage? >> i'm going to do first of all "looking up" from the new album. >> jimmy: "wonderful crazy night" is out february 5th. we'll be right back with whitney
[richard] at block, a thousand people win one thousand dollars. every single day. on top of their refund. it's refund season. all the hard work... time in the service... community college... it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. at our house, we're always down for more... case in point: our handcrafted skydiving chamber. refueling! be hungry for more. just never be hungry. with premium pepperoni and 100% real cheese...
our next item is a genuine "name your price" tool. this highly sought-after device from progressive can be yours for... twenty grand? -no! we are giving it away for just 3 easy payments of $4.99 plus tax! the lines are blowing up! we've got deborah from poughkeepsie. flo: yeah, no, it's flo. you guys realize anyone can use the "name your price" tool for free on progressive.com, right? [ laughing nervously ] [ pickles whines ] i know, it's like they're always on television.
music: "another sunny day" by belle and sebastian such a shame it's labeled a "getaway." life should always feel like this. hampton. we go together. always get the lowest price, only when you book direct at hampton.com [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, music from elton john. our next guest i a very funny and improper young lady whose new standup comedy special "i'm
hbo saturday at 10:00 p.m., please welcome bitny cummings! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know why we have the other chair. >> i feel this really threw elton john. >> jimmy: i think he was getting. >> oh, so was i. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm good, how are you? >> jimmy: it's weird this is your first time here. >> i'm uncomfortable. we have friends in common. we hang out. >> jimmy: one of them is my wife. >> one of them is your wife. big fan. but we've never hung out one on one. and this was our first time in front of millions of people. it's just weird. >> jimmy: this is where i'm most comfortable. in front of millions of people. >> yeah. >> jimmy: these people are my dearest friends. [ cheers and applause ] one of them came all the way from denmark to see me. >> is that true?
[ cheers and applause ] >> did you really come from denmark? >> jimmy: she did come from denmark. >> definitely call the police. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everyone's clapping a lot because she's paid a shockingly low amount to be here. it's almost criminal. >> they're scared of her. >> jimmy: i don't know why it's legal but it's unfortunate. yeah, we have -- you and my wife are close. >> very close with your wife. also we have howard stern and beth in common. >> jimmy: howard stern and his wife beth. >> yes. >> here's the thing, they were my friends and now i feel like you've taken them. >> jimmy: well -- >> let me finish. >> jimmy: i have known them longer than you have. >> okay. stop changing the subject. okay. so i feel like we were friends and now every time i ask them to hang out they're like, we're with jimmy and molly. >> jimmy: they're lying because we live in l.a. and they're in new york. so they are tricking you. they're trying to get away from you, sounds like.
then using you guys as pawns to avoid me. they're sitting at home alone. we're with jimmy and molly, weirdo in denmark. >> jimmy: jimmy and molly are their cats. >> i always feel like howard's always busy, you guys were at the gynecologist's together, whatever you guys do. you guys are always hanging out. >> jimmy: how did you meet howard stern? >> again, on-air. this is how all my relationships start. and it was super embarrassing. when i first did his show i had not listened to it. i didn't grow up listening to howard. but i thought i was just supposed to go in and be very slutty. i thought that was the -- >> jimmy: that's what people think it is, right. >> i didn't get the memo he has a gorgeous wife, and he doesn't really do that stuff anymore. >> jimmy: right. >> so i went to -- do you know the store american apparel? >> jimmy: oh. i am an american. >> it's basically where like russian prostitutes buy their
and so i bought like these weird mini skirts. like i looked like -- remember kelly bundy from "married with children"? you won't get that. so i -- i'm ready to ride. i think it's going to be this crazy -- i'm like doing kiegels in the lobby. then it was not like that at all. then i also kind of like was shocked by how attractive howard was. because he always says -- he doesn't think he's attractive. but i said to him, you're so attractive. i was kind of like borderline flirting. then i get a direct message from his wife beth who's like, dupd to get a drink? i'm like, oh-oh. she's either going on beat my ass or i'm going to get to have a threesome with them. either one i'm available for. >> jimmy: which was it? which did it turn out to be? >> insultingly, neither. >> jimmy: neither of those things. >> she wasn't jealous at all. oh, she must think i'm trying to
she's an angel, adonis, gorgeous. she's shockingly nice. i hang out with filthy comedians. i thought she was a recruiter for scientology or something. i was like, i am so in. yeah, then we sort of became friends after that. >> jimmy: yeah, well, i have a similar thing except for the threesome and the beatings, yeah. so by the way, it's every comedian's dream to have a standup comedy special on hbo. >> pretty cool. >> jimmy: what was the one that made the biggest impact on you growing up? >> oh, man. all of carlin's. carlin was my favorite, still is my favorite. denmark, george carlin, anything? nothing? >> jimmy: she probably knew "married with children." do people know you now from the roasts primarily? >> i feel like people -- i figure -- people either think they know me -- i can't tell. i'm at the level of fame where people either think i'm famous or they just think we went to college together. >> jimmy: right. >> like i'll go on an airplane, there will be someone to my
plane, i'm a fan, can i get a photo! sure. then the person next to me is like, who are you? and i'm like, okay. he knows. like everything about me. you know nothing about me. what is it? i have to be like, i've been on some shows. they're like, what shows? he's not sure. then i have this thing where people feel the need to give me career advice. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> yeah. i get a lot of career advice. >> jimmy: what do people say to you? >> people are like, hey, why aren't you in the new "star wars" movie? that's what you should be doing! like, as if i haven't thought of it, hadn't crossed my mind. >> jimmy: why aren't you? >> i overslept. i just hadn't checked that e-mail. so i have to tell them why, which is that they don't want me. that i'm not famous enough. >> jimmy: that's not true, they just probably hadn't thought of it either. there's going to be a lot more "star wars" movies to come. i have a feeling you're going to be in at least one of them. >> maybe.
then they'll be like, you know what you should do? you should have your own late-night talk show. >> jimmy: you can have this one, i'm exhausted. >> i'm like, let me just call jimmy and tell him i'm ready to take over. >> jimmy: you're welcome to it, any time. it's very good to see you. my wife and i watched your special, we thought it was great. saturday night on hbo, it's called "i'm your girlfriend." whitney cummings, everybody. we'll be right back with elton john! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. the common core rollout was a disaster. parents knew it. teachers knew it. and now, governor cuomo's task force is doing what's right.
and test scores won't be used in teacher evaluations. less testing. greater focus on learning. that's a start, but there's more to do. let's work together to support sensible and fair learning standards that help every child -- in every neighborhood -- succeed. in new york state, we believe tomorrow starts today. all across the state the economy is growing, with creative new business incentives, and the lowest taxes in decades, attracting the talent and companies of tomorrow. like in the hudson valley, with world class biotech. and on long island, where great universities are creating next generation technologies. let us help grow your company's tomorrow, today at business.ny.gov bleeding gums? you may think it's a result of brushing too hard. it's not.
which you can help reverse by using listerine added to your brushing routine listerine kills up to 99.9% of germs and helps reverse early gum disease in just two weeks. listerine power to your mouth also try listerine floss. it's advanced technology removes more plaque. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank whitney cummings and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, his album "wonderful crazy night" comes out february 5th, here with the song "looking up" sir elton john!
figuring out where i went wrong the script not followed then was awfully long too much pluck too little of the acting right not acting up i wore the world upon my back though someone else could meet pick up the slack just because i could say it's my life do things my way now i'm looking up more than i look down the view's a whole lot better second time around too much of me was hidden in the shadows i looked up and felt
color a lot with a broader stroke the laughter comes as easy as the jokes nowadays i'm thinking 'bout time is wasted looking back now i'm looking up more than i look down the view's a whole lot better second time around too much of me was hidden in the shadows i looked up and felt my feet lift off the ground you drop a bucket in a well it's dark and deep down there crank the handle bring it up
crystal clear i'm looking up more than i look down the view's a whole lot better second time around too much of me was hidden in the shadows i looked up and felt my feet lift off the ground i'm looking up more than i look down the view's a whole lot better second time around too much of me was hidden in the shadows i looked up and felt my