tv FOX 45 Late Edition FOX October 12, 2013 12:35am-1:10am EDT
i almost welcome it. - kevin, i have something for you. - oh! - oh. - you know who that is? - oh. - don't be a caricature, kevin. never be a caricature. how did that feel when i tore that up? - better? - good. stand up. you will be thin. you won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. - but, i-- - you will find love. - michael, i'm pretty much okay with who i am now. - don't be. you should never settle for who you are. oscar, oscar, oscar. oscar, you are a-- - michael, i just lost porter hardware!
i just--i lost 'em. - okay, you know what? just do your best, buddy. [groans] okay, oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education, and i think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. so that's why i made you this. - thank you, michael. it's beautiful. - [laughing] it looks like... it looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm. and he just... he just accepted it, that i... that i put all this work into it. oh, man. he--he has the lowest opinion of me of anybody. oh! was it just me,
or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point? - it was just you. - how would you have wanted to do it? - i--don't. - okay, you know what? inappropriate, because i am engaged happily, and you, you have landed yourself a senator. - state senator. - mm-hmm. bravo. - brava. - bra--? - do you want to see some pictures? i just got these. - sure. - um, these are-- okay, um, this is us at the theater. - ohh! - and, uh, antiquing. - oh. [stilted laugh] - oh, rollerblading. - rollerblading. who's that? who's that guy? - oh, that's thomas, robert's aide. - hmm. i guess this could be the one, huh? - yeah. yeah. - [whistling] [sizzling] - hey. - hey. - um, i'm gonna be dropping in on one of our biggest clients this afternoon, and i could use some backup. - let's rip it up, homes.
all right. boom. - walk away, bitch. - oh, um, michael. - hmm? - uh, where do you want your last paycheck sent? - last paycheck? - do you have an address yet in colorado? - no. - what town do holly's parents live in? - i'm not sure. um, mountain...ton, i think. - sounds beautiful. - you should do more stuff like that. - i'm going to. - hey. it's almost your last day. come on. sit with us. - no,'m almost done. - you sure? - yeah. - so i'm going to carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder. - finally. that old shredder sucked. - it's a good shredder. it just keeps breaking. - yeah, and it won't shred magines. - it's not supposed to shred magazines, kevin. - i know.
- did you break the shredder, kevin? - no. it's just that old shredder sucks. just get one that'll shred magazines. - i don't think any of tm are supposed to shred magazines. - michael, you all right? - yeah. these boots, man, they're really hurting my feet. oh. ah, i think i'm gonna try to find some old shoes. - do you really think it's about his boots? - no. - good. [ for 4 days only, ] costarting friday,ey columbus day sale. save 20 percent with your coupon on apparel, home, accessories, shoes and fine jewelry when you use your jcpenney credit card. or get 15% off any other form of payment. jcpenney.
they top it off with sweet honey and a kick of cracked black pepper in their signature honey pepper sauce. and they top that top off with crispy fried jalapenos and onions. and to top the top of that top off, it's on their famous 2 for $20 menu. applebee's new honey pepper sirloin. see you tomorrow.
it's on their famous 2 for $20 menu. - do you ever regret leaving? - i'd say about 90% of every day. but look, michael, everybody is getting downsized these days, so there is no shame-- - no, no, no, no. this was my decision. i'm going to colorado to be with holly. - sure, yeah. and i left to "spend more time with my kids." - really, david, i didn't get fired. - real-- well... well, then this is a terrible decision, michael. i mean, if what you're telling me is actually the accurate truth, then don't do this. you are very, very lucky to have a job. and colorado? between you and me, colorado's one big rei sre. and nobody reads books, except if you cou that joseph campbell book they read over and over again. everybody's a racist. women don't shave their underarms. i mn, it-- - [crying] i can't-- i can't do this. all the channels are gonna be different there. i'm not gonna be able to find my shows. i'm not going to start improv at level one.
i don't think my credits are gonna transfer. ohh! and you know what? i just figured out where i was supposed to go to vote. [sniffles] i gotta call her. and i'm going to tell her that i cannot come. [line ringing] - hello there. - hi. what is the name of our town? - boulder. is something wrong? are you okay? - no. no, i just needed to hear your voice. - [deep voice] oh, you mean this? - [laughing] yeah. yes, my hero. - [deep voice] i'll pay the rent. - [laughing] - ay, my mom's looking at me like she has no sense of humor. it's a joke. - [laughing] oh, i miss you. - well, i'll see you tonight. i'll pick you up outside baggage claim.
- okay, i'll see you tonight. i love you. - i love you, too. - yeah, so i know i told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but i'm-- i'm gonna be leaving tonight. i, uh, head to the airport at 4:00. [sighs] and, uh, i have said good-bye to half of them. - so michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. what do we want? - erotic. - see? this is what happens. you can't let a street dog into the house. - mmm, let's hear her out. i would, uh, like to hear more about these cakes. - i know these ethiopians that run a cake shop. - good god. - they make these cakes that are wild. i mean... they show everything. - i don't--i don't think we want a-- - no, i know what you're thinking, but it's not just black. they do it all. and the women on these cakes,
they're not just guys' fantasies. they have real, full women. it is refreshing. - okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue. - as a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one. - you know what? i think we should get some other input. - i think we should do cupcakes. i am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. - yeah, cupcakes, that's what i said. - no. i am not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms. you know, we don't really care about your opinion. you're just a tie-breaker. - um, pam? - oh, hey, michael. i'm just gonna go to carbondale to price some shredders. i'll see you later. - okay. - well, you know, michael, i have a brother in boulder. rory flenderson. you should look him up.
- okay. - okay? - ahem, kelly? kelly? kelly? - what? - if i just went away right now, would that be the best gift that i could give you? - yes, please. please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice. - she was once my girl, and she is your girl now. - wow. - yeah. - this is totally unnecessary. - you're not prone to seizures? - no. it's really buzzing. - i don't even hear her anymore. - cool. thanks, michael. - don't thank me. thank her.
truthfully? i just didn't want to pack it. - here's the thing, rory. i think you guys would hit it off in an odd way. - i could bring him a welcome basket. i'll surprise him. - okay, well, you should give him a little time to settle in, but... - does he like jams? my shelves are overflowing with preserves. - wel no, he hates jams. - darryl. - hey. - i would like to give you thenly copy of somehow i manage, unfinished. if there's anybody here who can finish it, it's you. - [laughs] that's sweet, mike. let's see here. here's a chapter called "gum." - mmm. - with one sentence. "everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum." - mm-hmm. it's true. darryl, i have one last wish. i would like to use the baler. - no. can't let you do that, mike. - no problem. - sorry. - worth a try. - all right. - darryl said i could use the baler because i'm leaving.
- no. - all right, guys, well, see ya later, warehouse. catch you on the flippety-flip. all right then, see you guys. catch you later, warehouse. see you on the flippety-flip. catch you on the flippety-flip. catch you guys on the flippety-flip. come on. - [exhales] okay. so what's our approach? you a veteran? do i have a month to live? you gonna get married tomorrow? what? hmm? - i thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality. - that's stupid. [laughing] - well, what do i know? - i know. what do you know?
no, don't. i'm mad at them. [chuckling] why? what happened? not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement. ah. that they might be off the hook for, because i didn't tell them. what? why not? [chuckles] i just didn't, you know, want to deal-- come on, it won't be that bad. okay, you know what? here we go. [hangs up receiver] uh, everybody, just wanted to make an announcement. pam and i are engaged. hi, everyone. i thought you were already engaged. nope. that was roy. she was engaged to roy. thank you, angela. i got a gift for pam and roy.
do i have to get another one? yes. a little close to my engagement there, tuna. what's your game here? to get married. she's not a virgin, you know. wow. what's going on? no, nothing. nothing, michael. just saying hi. the tall guy got engaged. to be married? yep. [drops briefcase] [whimpers] [thud] sorry. [cheerful music] ♪
i have to read from the binder. i got it. i got it. ♪ i took you to an intimate restaurant ♪ ♪ then to a suggestive movie ♪ there's nothing left to talk about ♪ ♪ unless it's horizontally (both) ♪ let's get ethical, ethical ♪ i wanna get ethical ♪ let's get into ethics, yeah ♪ ♪ let me hear dunder mifflin talk ♪ ♪ your body talk ♪ let me hear your body talk ♪ whoo! all right! why are you helping her? you're not even dating. she's my friend, and ultimately my strategy is to sort of merge this into a relationship without her even knowing. oh. okay, let's give it up for miss holly flax! [applause] (holly) thanks, michael. [sighs deeply]
today we're gonna have a business ethics seminar, because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate. and we have a very strict ethics policy, and that employee has been fired. oh, come on. he's right there. he was hired. ooh, check it out-- hired guy. nice. okay, elephant in the room. let's talk about it. do i regret what i did? of course i do, even though it was an amazing ride, and i'll give you an example. anyone see survivor, season six? anyone know joanna on that show? in new york city, i hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that-- indistinguishable, so... okay. well done. good speech, ryan. you're a good guy. (holly) let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. "it is wrong to make personal calls during work hours." now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. but ideally you would've selected "totally agree." i thought "very strongly agree" sounded stronger than "totally agree."
corporate would like to emphasize that, ideally, you would all totally agree with that statement. well, i think we can all totally agree that holly is totally fantastic. thank you. okay. okay, "in fact, "spending a half hour at the watercooler during work hours is a form of stealing." what? yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time-wasters? this meeting. [shouting in agreement] can't set them up like that. (kelly) why is it okay for smokers to take breaks all the time? if i want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then i'll just take up smoking. i'll do it. i don't care. (meredith) i'll smoke with you. i got a bag of cigars in my purse. stealing office supplies is other big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about. okay. can we have a moment? [whispering can i talk to you for a second? a lot of good stuff, and you look--you look fantastic. (dwight) michael. yeah? what should we be working on while you guys are talking? [normal voice] do some--do some work.
[whispering] people expect a lot from these meetings-- laughter, sudden twists, surprise endings. you need to be robin williams and m. night shyamalan. you need to be robin shyamalan. [whispering] well, i just have to get through the binder. well, it's--just-- you're kind of losing them. i am? yeah, don't think about the stakes. it'll freak you out. okay. [normal voice] well, [clears throat] michael makes a really good point. so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. say my name is lauren, and here i am shopping in a supermarket, and i steal a pencil. that's not right. [coughing] lauren, enough with the pencils. no, i have to go over pencils and office supplies. it's part of the ethics thing. that isn't ethics. ethics is a real discussion of competing conceptions of the good. (andy) i'll drop an ethics bomb on you. would you steal bread to feed your family? boom! exactly, andy. yeah, i took intro to philosophy twice-- no big deal.
it's a trick question. the bread is poisoned. also, it's not your real family. you've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male. no, that's not how it works. i would not steal the bread. and i would not let my family go hungry. (holly) okay, but we should get back to business. have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace? (michael) anybody? this is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. stanley? mnh-mnh. oscar, come on. pass. i will go first. when i discovered youtube, i didn't work for five days. i did nothing. i viewed cookie monster sings chocolate rain about 1,000 times. what was the dilemma? to tell you or not, and i'm glad i did. i feel very, very good and "catharctic." i promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. you can say anything you want with total and complete immunity.
oh, no, no. yeah. [mumbling] come on. anybody? let it fly. okay, once--once in a while, i-- i'll take a long lunch. a siesta. (dwight) time thief. time thief-- fire him. (jim) dwight, you've really never stolen any company time? never. you are a thief of joy. anybody else? yeah. sometimes i download pirated music onto my work computer. who hasn't? good. good! what else? no, no, i'd like to hear more about that. i once reported oscar to the i.n.s. turns out he's clean, but i'm glad i did it. well, let's keep this party moving on. i'll go. have you guys ever met bruce myers, the scranton rep for hammermill? bru-u-ce! well, for the past six years, i've been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and outback steakhouse gift certificates. jackpot. [scoffs] oh, oh, oh. [clrs throat] meredith, that is serious. i-i mean, not only is that a conflict of interest, [snickering] but there's also an exchange of goods.
exchange of steak. have you ever had sirloin steak, honey? that's crazy talk. meredith. the "merenator," sleeping with suppliers. [laughing] ooh, ooh. wow. what time do we got? you know what? that's a good place to end it, right there. this, i think, was a great ethics seminar. she has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. right, what is wrong-- who's to say, really, in the end? i mean, because it is unknowable, but let's give her a round of applause. holly, everybody. [applause] holly. get back to work. (michael) great job. oh. i am truly impressed. that, uh-- you really pulled that one out. classic, classic meeting. [whispering] we should celebrate. michael, there are some serious issues with meredith. oh. i mean, all of you have done things i wouldn't have done myself, but meredith's actions are really over the line. [normal voice] yeah. what you gonna do?
[ for 4 days only, ] costarting friday,ey columbus day sale. save 20 percent with your coupon on apparel, home, accessories, shoes and fine jewelry when you use your jcpenney credit card. or get 15% off any other form of payment. jcpenney. they top it off with sweet honey and a kick of cracked black pepper in their signature honey pepper sauce. and they top that top off with crispy fried jalapenos and onions. and to top the top of that top off, it's on their famous 2 for $20 menu. applebee's new honey pepper sirloin. see you tomorrow.
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with 3 entrees under $20, like our new snow crab and crab butter shrimp, just $14.99. only at red lobster, where we sea food differently. go to redlobster.com for your free crab stuffed mushrooms with 2 dinner entrees. for your free crab stuffed mushrooms so, regarding the supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been? liaisons? you mean meet-ups? i don't know.
once a month for six years, something like that. meredith, why don't you tell holly it's not what she thinks, nothing unethical happened, and that you just like to sleep around. am i in trouble here or something? no, no. this is just a stupid formality. no, it's not a formality. now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal, unrelated to business? no. i wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. there's not a lot of fruit in those looms. [gasps] for the love of god, we're trying to help you, you stupid bag. [chuckles] what i don't undetand is-- why the steak coupons, i mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper? well, it's funny. maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, when he would give me those coupons, i just felt good about myself. hey, what's going on here? i thought i had immunity.