tv FOX 45 Late Edition FOX October 22, 2013 12:35am-1:10am EDT
- great. thank you. - and-- [clears his thro] it was open... and people saw this, and they're just kind of going nuts, and like... - what is this? - wondering what it is. it's a photocopy from your notebook. - you read my notebook, and--and photocopied it, and distributed it. [guffaws] no. they did, and they asked me to ask about it. - [scoffs] please. here's what it is. it's a doodle. [chuckles] - what? - some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. they draw houses, penises... funny how the houses are always colonials, and the penises are always circumcised, don't you think? well, i doodle too. but i'm not an artist, so i draw words and lists. - [laughs] that is fascinating. and by the way, i am so glad i asked. people were just sort of-- did you just move my name?
- okay. robert's in the annex-- everybody think, quick. what do these groups have in common? - maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group. - that's not it. - people in the other group? - mm-mm. still wrong. - stanley, you do puzzles all day. what do we got? - well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and shove it up your butt! [laughs] - thank you. a little much-needed comic relief. but we really need to figure this out, guys. - i know! it's alphabetical. all: no. - no, it's not. here's how we find out. let's line up, and compare the line, see if we learn anything, okay? left-siders, over here. right-siders, line up over here. face each other. match up by height and relative weight. let's just size each other up here, and left side of the list... attack! - wait, wait, wait. stop, stop, stop. [ladies scream] will you stop? [all screaming]
- dwight! dwight! go for it! [overlapping shouts] - what are you doing? stop, stop. - warning! warning! warning! [indistinct chatter] - i'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch-- jim, dwight, angela, darryl, kevin, toby, phyllis, oscar. - that's great! [claps] let's do this, guys! - all right. well, i will see you in a bit. - [voice breaks] i love you so much. - hey, it's nothing, all right? text you when we get there and let you know what's going on. - okay. - no. no dog video. - okay. - okay. see you guys. - well, we should all be really excited about our... very own pizza party.
pizza party! ♪ pizza party ♪ pizza party... - jim, your daughter cecilia-- what does she think of the street? - uh, the street? - sesame street. oh! i didn't know anybody...called-- she likes it a lot. she, uh, loves elmo. elmo. god save us-- the elmo era. - right? - sesame street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. the complete self-absorption of elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. ours is a cultural ghetto. wouldn't you agree? - yeah. she does like elmo. - "cultural ghetto"? totally, totally agree. - completely. - apt. apt analysis, robert. - the thing that i like about elmo is the tickling. - i should not be here. i'm in the-- i was in the wrong-- i'm...i'm sorry. uh, just picture me back there. i-i was never here.
- great group! pizza party! - how is this a pizza party? well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here? - yeah, well, that's just pizza. you need at least one other element for it to be a party. - okay. you guys ever had margarita pizza? - what's that? - fresh tomato, with a dollop of mozzarella cheese. - that's pizza. - that's regular pizza. - you know, i feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question. what made you pick... this group? - i just think you guys are winners, and i wanted to have lunch with you. - okay. all: aww. - well, what about the other guys? - losers? come on. - oh, come on. i don't want to say-- - come on, come on. - no. well... i guess i think they're losers. - ah, i knew it. yes! whoo! - probably shouldn't have said that. - whoo! whoo-hoo! - aha-oo! their interpretation of margherita pizza. fans of classic pizza will be psyched. [phone buzzes] - oh, text from jim. "this is getting very weird. will explain later."
[ringtones and buzzing] oh, text from kevin. - "suck it, losers." you'd do that for me? really? yeah, i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm at three in the morning. who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing, jake from state farm? [ jake ] uh... khakis. she sounds hideous. well she's a guy, so... [ male announcer ] another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. ♪
[ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at $7.99. even when you don't now yhave time for a break break with new kit kat minis. poppable, bite-sized minis that let you make break time anytime. - okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that i'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? [chomps] oh, this crust is sharp! - i used to be young and cute and sort of funny, and... i could do those cute little cartoons. and everyone who came through here was like... "who's that receptionist? i like her." now i'm just a fat mom. [sniffles] yeah.
and you take one look at me and you're like, "oh, loser." - come here, pam. chins up, okay? [snickers] bad joke. look around this room. does this look like a group of losers? seriously. [pam sniffles] - oh. oh, god. [pam sobs, door clicks open] - oh! hey, guys, we had so much fun. we had margherita pizza. we all hung out and got to know each other better. how was your lunch? - it was excellent. - good times. - yeah? yeah? - oh, we did. it was the best time. and you know what? now it's over. back to work, everyone. you too, andy. - i knew it. i just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me-- my parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors-- - [quietly] well, that was certainly an odd lunch. [sighs]
is everything all right? - yeah, i'm fine. - just-- just take the-- take the casserole out of the-- - loser. - take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. uh, it'll be fine. just leave it in for 20 minutes. - [imitates shooting] - loser. - losers. - when i was a salesman, i could just be like, "not my job, not my prob. i'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob." metaphorically, of course. but now... it is my job, and my prob. [knocks on door] hi, robert? can you come out here please? it's really important. [clears throat] just wanted to clarify something. some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier, and others would be... second-tier. - i never said that. - thank you. great.
- i said "winners" and "losers." is that what you're talking about? - oh, that might-- that actually might be... what i'm thinking of. can you clarify that? - let me tell you some things i find productive. positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, honesty. i'll tell you some things i find unproductive. constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues, and then inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. no, i do not believe in that at all. if i invited you to lunch, i think you're a winner. if i didn't, i don't. but i just met you all. life is long. opinions change. winners, prove me right. losers, prove me wrong. - whew! well, i guess that's that. - no, no.
- andy, don't go in there! - i'm going in there. i know that every time i talk to you, things just seem to get worse. but, you don't know these people and i do. and if i let you work with faulty information, well then i'm not doing my job as regional manager. so...please take this pen and change your list. - i'm not going to change my list, andy, and i don't use ballpoint pens. - well, then i will make a new list for you. [sighs] stanley-- you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? and you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships? - i did not know about the sales figures.
- meredith palmer, supplier relations-- the word "no," not even in her vocabulary. and just to show you that i'm being fair, you had gabe in the loser column. i think that is... astute. good call. pam--easily the most creative and kind person i have ever worked with. - jim, shut the door. this is just gross. - shh! - erin hannon--the receptionist and my closest confidante-- a winner if there ever was one. - i like my new group. i liked my old group. - are we done? - yes. no. the friday before columbus day we're going to take a half-day so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. - you want a 3 1/2 day weekend for columbus day. - yes, i do. - and you are aware that columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native americans. - i don't care.
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the opposite of that. [ray lamontagne's trouble plays through speakers] - all right, i'm going to go warm up the ca - okay. - okay. - oh, uh, you dropped something! jim! okay, i know i've been crying easily today, but... i mean, that's just pretty killer, right? i mean, maybe it's stupid. no... [voice breaking] it's wonderful. i'm going to frame it. i can always unframe it.
are you swallowing them whole? you're eating them so fast, are they even touching your tongue? yes. brownies, is it? humph. pastry cubes made of sugar and fat? no, thank you. i'll stick with my jerky. (jim) so why'd you come in here? to socialize. and inform. ooh, brownies! i'm taking two so i can parcel them up and eat them... at my leisure later on. much healthier. you're taking two? yeah, um...but one of them is for toby.
yeah. why don't you send that to him in costa rica? um...i'm just gonna hand it to him right now. [laughing] okay, weirdo. why's that? why's that weird? she said she was gonna give it to him right now. she's probably going to. because they sit next to each other. yeah, they used to. toby works here again. [whispering] oh, can you imagine? oh, no! you don't know. i don't know. what? you should probably just meander back there, take a look, see if he's--see if he's back. dare i? [laughing] you know what? i'm going to. for old time's sake. great practical joke, jim. got me to go to the annex. hi, mi-- no! god! no, god, please no! no! no!
nooooo! [cheerful music] ♪ (michael) look at him. with his stupid face. stupid...tan. he looks great. well-rested. no. he looks worse. (david) michael, is everyone okay? ohh. well, i'm afraid not. toby flenderson of h.r. has made a sudden reappearance. i don't understand. is anyone hurt? not on the surface, no. but i can tell... people are disturbed, david. michael, you texted me 911--call me. yes. all in caps. do you know what 911 means?
i learned a while back that if i don't text 911, people will not return my calls. um...but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened. now, what i'm curious about is how you were able to go an entire week without knowing a member of your staff was there. i did not want to go back to the annex because that is where holly worked, whom i loved. also it's icky back there. that's true. people say it's icky. okay. i have to go. david, wait. no. is there no way we can get rid of him? not without cause, michael. i have cause. it is because i hate him. you have to get along with toby. no. yep. i don't. good-by michael. [phone hangs up] don't do that. oh, come on!
do you see this? disgusting. so, tunes, you still gonna buy your old man's place? yeah. i am. wait. how do you know that? i didn't tell you that. uh...no, i was just walking by your desk. i saw some emails. i got peepers of an eagle. that's really not cool. so jim, you're gonna live in the same house that you used to pee the bed in? yeah. i guess technically, kev, you're right. today's a big day. today's the day that i show pam the house that i bought for us. without telling her. but it's my parents' house, the house i grew up in. and, yeah, i bought it kind of impulsively. i mean, the price was good, and i was helping out my mom. it's got shag carpets. i mean, you can't blame my parents--it was the '70s. and why would you wanna buy ugly wood from trees when you can have paneling and a painting of some creepy clowns that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity of the building?
she's gonna love it. right? would you guys all do me a favor and just not talk about this until i tell pam? that'd be great. whoa! you haven't told the missus about the castle? you're in for a spanking, my friend. myself and my lady-- no secrets. (phyllis) jim, don't listen to andy. i think it's romantic. oh, thanks, phyllis. where's your place? oh, it's on linden ave., by the quarry. oh... (creed) cool beans, man. i live by the quarry. we should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there. definitely, we should. (oscar) "to whoever made the microwave mess-- "the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. "by not cleaning it up, "you are basically telling whoever follows "thatheir time is less valuable, "as they will have to scrub out your disgusting splatter. sincerely, disappointed." that is just obnoxious. no kidding. yeah. wait, what? the mess or the note? the note. so holier than thou. hmm.
i liked it. don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one? no... the note is way more obnoxious than the mess. "sincerely, disappointed." get off your high horse, richy. just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich. nah. they're rich. you wanna see some real high-caliber acting? well, mr. kurt russell, you are about to be served. hey, toby. great to have you back, man. seriously. just, uh... just a real pleasure to see ya again. well, thanks, michael. you're welcome. missed you. missed you as part of our family. well, that's--that's-- sweet. i missed you guys too. so costa rica, that was... did ya have fun? that must have been fun. well, um, it was amazing. really was. thanks for asking.
um...beaches were pristine. nice peaches? pristine beaches? yeah, uh... the whole thing was incredibly cathartic. why'd you come back? why didn't you stay? well, it's actually kind of hard to meet people out there. i bet. for you. and, uh. yeah. plus, it was hot. hot. why didn't you get an air conditioner? should have gotten an air conditioner for yourself. are you all right, michael? yeah, i am. i am. i tried. i tried. i tried to talk to toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil...snail. i feel like i'm dyin' inside. i feel like neve campbell in scream ii. she thinks she can go off to college and be happy, and then... the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. learned a lotta lessons from that movie. this is just one of 'em.
okay, just summarize. okay, fire-able offenses include workplace violence and sexual harassment. that's it. that's it, perfect. we will get him to hit on somebody, and then we'll catch him in the act. i love catching people in the act. mm. that's why i always whip open doors. me too. okay, let's get this started. okay. what are you doing? i am the bait. for what? menind me desirable. no, no, no. oh, it's a good day too. i'm wearing my mustard shirt. you're the bait for toby? mm-hmm. no. for one thing, he's not gay. and if somebody were to be bait, it would be jim or ryan, or me. men find me desirable. yes. sure they do, dwight. when it comes down to it, it's a health issue. i should've written that. mm-hmm, yeah. why aren't you as mad or interested in this as me? oh, totally. sorry, are we talking about the microwave still? are you inching away from me? no. reach your arms out. [laughs]
i'm always this close. ♪ camptown lady sing this song doo-dah doo-dah ♪ hello, pam. jim, may i have a moment with pam, please? [cell phone rings] yes. i just have to take this call anyway, so-- oh, ooh, his mistress! no, i'm kidding. nobody would ever cheat on you. you are the complete package, pam. what do you need, michael? okay, what i would like you to do is take this folded note, and deliver it to toby flenderson. i want you to just react to whatever this note elicits. do not read it beforehand. can you do that for me? sure. good. no, no, no, no, don't-- "please hug and kiss me, no matter how hard i struggle. i am too shy to tell you that i love you." damn it, pam. you gave me your word. [mumbling] hey, guys, that's really inappropriate. [moaning]
what's up? um, i got some photos from, uh, costa rica if you want to see them. yeah, yeah, i'll see 'em. mm-hmm. cool. toby, can i see those? wow. what's the matter? what's the matter? you--you scared? those are fightin' words. you mad? you mad at me? i hope he doesn't haul off and just hit ya. do you wanna do that? do you wanna hit me? you wanna punch me? hmm? huh? punch him, toby. i dare you to. come on. bam! what's the matter? hit him. hit him, chicken. yeah, punch him. hey, hey, come on, ryan. whose side are you on? (dwight) come on, man. (michael) no, do it. do it. i dare you. punch him as hard as you possibly can, in the face. not as hards you can. just a good, solid punch. come on, come on. i'm not going to punch you, michael. are you really not going to punch him? no, why would i punch you? son of a bitch. shoulda hit him, man. guy was asking for it. once in a lifetime, man.
i thought you were gonna parcel those out through the day. would you stop it? you haven't done anything helpful all day. there's still one thing we can do to get toby fired. what's that? frame him for using drugs. frame him? yeah. it's illegal, but everything they do on the shield is illegal. i've never framed a man before. have you? i've framed animals before. i framed a raccoon for opening a christmas present. and i framed a bear for eating out of the garbage. [sighs] just seems awfully mean. but sometimes, the ends justify the mean. hello. i've seen you guys around. i'm michael scott, dunder mifflin. how you doing? [sighs]
so i guess you know why i'm here. i need to purchase something. like a fridge? no. uh-- [whispering] i wanted-- i wanted to buy some weed from someone. what? grass, weed? what makes you think we'd have weed? i heard you were drug-- i heard you dealt. [whispering] hey, just hold on one second. i'm not wearing a wire, so-- why would you even say that? hey, it's gonna be $500. how much? $500. it's a good price. it's a eal. how many pounds is that? it's two pounds. i'm losing money on this, man. just give me the money. okay. all right. walk away, walk away. hey, pam? i just wanted to let you know, i'm totally on your side with the whole microwave situation.
tha you. i was just back there to make some cup of soup, the thing is still a huge mess. i know. can you believe it? yeah, it's crazy. but i guess the thing is, at some point, notes or no notes, someone's gonna have to just get in there and clean it up. i guess that's why we have a temp, huh? [laughs] oh, no, trust me. i would just make it worse. how would wiping it with a paper towel make it worse? i--i would find a way. you've seen things clean before though, right? i--pam, i am hopeless to that stuff. i--i, uh-- hi, michael. hey, hey, hey. i forgot-- forgot-- (dwight) yes, i repeat: a drug dealer is on the premises of dunder mifflin. his name is toby flenderson, and he recently turned from a mysterious vacation in central america. i have risked a great deal to tell you this information.