tv FOX 45 Late Edition FOX October 25, 2013 12:35am-1:10am EDT
and a crazy idea can either make you kind of famous or kind of fired. his bosses told him to pack up his things and go... ♪ ...to an office...with a door. see, matt works at esurance, where crazy ideas make car insurance faster, friendlier, and fit for life in the modern world, which isn't all that crazy when you think about it. esurance. insurance for the modern world. now backed by allstate. click or call. esurance. insurance for the modern world. - where were we? uh--yes, okay. your... productivity thing. - yes, yes, yes. - great. ooh, spreadsheets. yum, yum. - i included some time-saving ideas. - uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. look, i'm not gonna lie to you. i'm a teensy bit distracted right now. - look, andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. this is only weird if you make it weird. - right on, brother. word dat. - mm-- - ador! - daras. - qazer! - daras. does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?
- hey, erin. - atchomar chomakaan! - oh--okay. sorry. - oh, still, it must be great to have something else going on outside of work. - yeah-- turn signal. it's exciting to be painting again-- those are the wipers. so the-- it's just-- there you go. yeah. [chuckling] yeah, things get so busy with the kids-- red light--that it's nice to have that creative outlet-- red light, red light, red, red-- [tires screeching] - that is brilliant, pam. i'd love to see some of your work. - well, since we're stopped at a light... uh, here is... the mural i did for angela's baby. - that is amazing, pam. oh, i love the lion in the tuxedo. - angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed. - hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
- vos. - so no? do you think maybe you could remind people? i'm trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today. - because of your slaves. - not my slaves, my ancestors'. maybe. probably not. - well, if it makes you feel any better, the dothraki word for "slave master," azzafrok, is a term of respect. i'm learning how to speak dothraki. color you impressed? - that you're learning a made-up language from hbo's game of thrones? i have a lot going on today, but this was a great nerd-out. - dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language. - people laughed at klingon at first, and now you can major in it. - hi, guys. - hey, boss. i am so thirsty, can i have a scoop of water? - yeah. you don't have to ask me-- [stifled laughter] ha ha. okay, great.
very funny. i get it. just because my ancestors happened to be-- [cell phone ringtone playing dixie] - very funny, kevin changed my ringtone. very funny. - good. very good. [cell phone beeping] - oh-- no. here, it's, uh, a text from andy. "new special proj. need fam. tree for evbody. "really dig up dirt. a.s.a.p." and then in parentheses he wrote out, "as soon as possible." - mm. ugh, looks like it's pretendy time again. write back, "looking for dirt." oh, can i help? we could say someone is related to, um, tonya harding. - pam, i'm related to tonya harding. - oh-- gee, i'm-- - no, i'm just practicing my lying. i love it. - brilliant. - what should we say about jim?
- um, oh--uh, say he's related to richard nixon. it's an inside joke. he looks really nixony when he wakes up. - my ex behaved like nixon. all of the lying, none of the sexual charisma. i just made a joke then. - i'm sorry. it's just, um-- i actually do have this weird feeling that there's something jim isn't telling me. - oh, no. ugh, an affair. it is always an affair. - jim? no. - [sighing] how can you be sure? - because he just loves me too much. - you're a cocky little thing, aren't you, pam? - i have done a little genealogy research of my own. turns out i'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. for example, phyllis' great-great-grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the united states. - ew. - kevin is related to both john wayne gacy and john wayne bobbitt.
- and john wayne? - no. not that i see here. - wayne johnson? the rock? you mean dwayne, and no. what about jim halpert? uh-oh. turns out, distant relative of the reviled richard nixon. - pam always says i look like nixon. that's crazy, right? i mean, there's nothing there. tru-- oh, no. - dwight's grandfather-- - was a member of the bund, which is not technically the same thing as the nazi party. so-- [clears throat] - i was gonna say he was a tax evader. - oh. i was joking about that whole bund thing. oh-ho, the look on your faces. [laughing] - and meredith is a blood relative of lizzie borden. - cool. [mimics psycho stabbing sound effect] - stop it! stop it, you're frightening me. - andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families?
- no, i'm proving a point, okay? we all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. but it's in the past, and it's not our fault. so we don't have to talk about it. - the difference is, andy, that you're the only one here still benefitting from the terrible things your ancestors did. - might have done, and how do you figure? - your family's rich. i have to believe that a big part of the bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves. - you know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in america, oscar. i'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. that wealth could one day benefit society, if capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income. [cell phone ringing dixie] - okay, kevin did that. i do not wish i was in dixie. hey, mom. how are you? did any bernards ever own a plantation in the south? she said no. take that! follow-up question, did any bernards ever make money in an unsavory way?
[quietly] i just asked you-- why didn't you used to say that? okay, stop, stop. stop talking. stop talking. that's--no. i don't want to know that. okay, you're interrupting a meeting. i have to go. love you. bye. well, turns out the bernards of yore did not own slaves. - really. - we merely transported them. which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen. this weekend. [ female announcer ] hurry in to the jcpenney monster sale for 4 days only, starting this friday, get an extra 15 percent off on apparel, home, shoes and accessories with your coupon. and this saturday, bring the kids to jcpenney in costume
so hurry in and try three succulent entrées. like our new snow crab and crab butter shrimp, just $14.99. only at red lobster where we sea food differently. [ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at $7.99. sandwiches, salads, and more. [ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at $7.99. - yo, d-dog, i need your help. i'm tryi to think of things i can say that make it sound like i had a more difficult childhood than i actually had. - you gonna po' mouth. - exactly. help me po' mouth, darryl. - actually, andy, you promised me five minutes
to talk about productivity suggestions-- - what if i said that my dad beat me, and i just left out the croquet of it all? or, i could just go all the way and say i grew up in an apartment. or is that too crazy? - that could work. - you know, darryl, this is textbook assistant regional manager stuff here, and i feel like i'm doing all the heavy lifting. i'm coming up with all the ideas here. - i'm going for a walk. - okay. - good... good, and-- [thuds] - you doing all right, man? - i'm done. i gotta get out of here. - yeah. not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager. - it's not just today, it's every day.
seems like the better title i have, the stupider my job gets. - aw, come on, it can always get better, right? - hmm. yeah, right. - no, i'm serious. there's always something better. - like what? - like, hypothetically, if i said that there was another job that you and i could both have. - what kind of job? - something cool, like sports marketing, or-- does that sound like something you'd be into? - hell yeah. - right? - that sounds awesom - okay, but wait. what if i told you that it was in philly? so you'd have to-- - i love philly. - right? - it's not even a thought-- - not even a thought. it's not even that far away, i could still commute--exactly. exactly. all right. - what? wait, wait, wait. so what, is this happening? - oh, it's happening. let's just keep it between you and me for right now, all right? - okay. yeah, yeah, yeah. for sure, for sure, for sure. man. and pam's into it?
- we gotta have a talk about it, but i think that she's-- i think she understands-- - aw, come on, man. - what this is. i thought you had something real. - what? no, no, no. come on. this is real. - it's not real until your wife is on board. - so what did you want to show me? - that is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? - yeah. it's really ugly. - needs something, doesn't it? i'm thinking, a mural. - you mean me? - yes, you. you are so talented. it's going to be my next special project. hiring scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall. - oh, my god, i love it! uh--i-- nellie, this is brilliant! hey! - hey. can i talk to you for a second? - anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. she never loved you. - what? no, i-- i got this. [giggling] okay. - [quietly] okay. this is his fault. it is not your fault.
i am gonna find you someone better, and rich. and filipino. but we'll break that to her later. you know what this is all about? - yeah. you too, huh? - yeah. go on, spill it. tell her all the gory details, you snake. - hey. he deserves this. and he said i could get in on it too. [whispering] yeah. - oh, pam, no. oh, i can't bear to watch this. - i don't know what i was so worried about. i have the best wife in the world. - i still can't believe he didn't tell me.
here are our final actual costs for this year. okay. as you can see, we did pretty well. yes, yes, i can see... you can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4,300. mm-hmm, okay. but we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget. why don't you explain this to me like i'm five.
your mommy and daddy give you $10 to open up a lemonade stand. so you go out and you buy cs and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. and now you find out that it only cost you $9. ho-oh! so you have an extra dollar. yeah. so you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? next summer-- i'll be six. and you ask them for money, they're gonna give you $9, 'cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. so the dollar's a surplus. this is a surplus. we have to spend that $4,300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget. [whistles poorly] whoo. we should spend this money on a new copier which we desperately need. okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, i--i think i'm getting you. [cheerful music] ♪
♪ ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it'sonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ earlier today, matt had a crazy idea, and a crazy idea can either make you kind of famous or kind of fired. his bosses told him to pack up his things and go... ♪ ...to an office...with a door. see, matt works at esurance, where crazy ideas make car insurance faster, friendlier, and fit for life in the modern world,
which isn't all that crazy when you think about it. esurance. insurance for the modern world. now backed by allstate. click or call. esurance. insurance for the modern world. guess what, everybody? christmas has come early this year. oscar very smartly has discovered an extra $4,300 in the budget. thank you, oscar. and i have decided with that money i am going to buy a new-- drum roll, please. [making drum sounds] can anybody guess? new chairs? no. a new copier. all right. unless everybody can agree on something better? no, no, please. please do not do this. yes, michael, new chairs. these chairs are terrible. we were supposed to get new ones last year. so we all agree to get new chairs then. good? yeah, he said good. i'm good. (oscar) now listen, we are a paper company. how can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine? oscar, no. this is not the time for one of your principled stands. pam, you make more copies than anyone.
exactly. that should tell you how terrible the chairs are. okay. okay, good suggestions. all good suggestions. uh, let's just decide and agree upon one. i'm with pam. chairs. all right, so teams forming. we should really have the office's air quality tested. we have radon coming from below. we have asbestos in the ceilings. these are silent killers. you are the silent killer. go back to the annex. you'll see. michael. yes. i've talked to meredith, stanley, and jim about the chairs. i know they're with me on this. uh, actually, i'm gonna go with copier. what? jim. ever since pam and i started dating, i just feel a little weird asking her to make copies for me. so i make my own copies. and that copier sucks. let me tell you, i-- but you know what? pam and i don't have to agree on everything. jim, good for you standing up to pam like that. (oscar) so michael, what do you think? why me? you have to make the decision. wow, okay. well, i swallowed all your ideas.
i'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end. dwight, i'm a little concerned about some of these directions to schrute farms. yeah, do tell. i mean, like, "156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left." mm-hmm. "walk until you hear the bee hive." how could it be more clear? i think andy makes an excellent point. okay. but my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom. we'll dig a trench. as long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine. nana mimi cannot squat over some trench. we're gonna put out stumps. come on. let's three-way this little issue and come to a solution by the time we get to schrute farms. how's that for a plan? we're getting married at schrute farms, no matter what. i have looked at 12 venues. i have lost eight deposits. and i have seen angela naked zero times. i am not losing another deposit. hey.
hey. so, um, i've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing. mm-hmm. i really think you should reconsider. oh, pam, i really... hate that copier. yeah, i know. yeah. but i really think you should reconsider. beesly, are you threatening me? jim. jim, jim, jim. i'm not threatening you. i love you. [whispers] but you should know you're on very dangerous ground. all right. okay. whew. this is where you'll have your receiving line. of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such. mmm. mm, what's that smell? you're gonna need to be more specific. manure. get rid of it. manure covers up the smell of the slaughter house. do you have to slaughter on our wedding day? you want to eat, don't you?
honey, say something. uh, dwight, if we pay extra could you slaughter the entrees the day before? i'll consider it see? that's how you do it! makin' progress here. [squish] oh! darn! there's a hose out back. okay. remember, you were gonna get a new chair and you were gonna give your old chair to me. remember that? yes. well, that never happened. michael. i don't know. i haven't decided yet. i'm just gonna grab some lunch. wanna come with? really? absolutely! yeah, that would be amazing. whoa, you guys going to lunch? yes. mind if i join? oh, god! yeah! best lunch ever! whoo hoo hoo! let's do it. all right! cool. where we going? (michael) i have no idea. so i guess that's how they're gonna play this. it is on. it is so on.
good thing we've got bounty select-a-size. it's the smaller powerful sheet. look! one select-a-size sheet of bounty is 50% more absorbent than a full size sheet of the leading ordinary brand. use less with bounty select-a-size. but it's fine, because i use tide with bleach which helps keep his socks brilliantly white. bye mom. hold on. [ horn honks ] show 'em what you got!!! [ female announcer ] tide plus bleach alternative is back. mom!! [ mom ] that's my tide. what's yours? [ female announcer ] tide plus bleach alternative is back. mom!! (pam) look, i really need this new chair. i mean, seriously. how is it possible that, in five years, i've had two engagement rings and only one chair? [laughing]
stop it. (oscar) michael. michael, that is hilarious. oh, is somebody making fun of me? (oscar) the best! ha! great friends. thank you, michael. [laughing] [long sigh] i got you some tiramisu, so no hard feelings. aw. yeah. that's cool. mm, good stuff. you look really pretty. thank you. [knocks] yeah. michael. yeah? hey! oh, hey! you got a second? (michael) i do. (pam) oh, good. oh, that must've been so fun. it was fun. we had a good time. hey, have i told you you look really nice today? oh, thank you. yeah, is that a new tie?
um, no, not-- no, no, i got it at tj maxx, $4. that is amazing! you think that's good. check out these pants. $9. what? $9. the boys department. no. look at the ass. check out the ass. no way! look at that. uh-uh. yeah! [snorts] so i guess oscar and jim were talking your ear off about the new copier, huh? yes, they were. they were. here's what i was thinking. everyone sits on a chair every day. but not everyone-- sits on a copier. or even uses the copier every day. yeah. yeah, right? very valid. that's it. [laughs] all right! see you later. see ya. hot tie guy. ha ha ha! well... have you made a decision on the butter sculpture? no, i haven't thought of it. okay, cow, goat, or sheep. it's not that hard. i would like a cat. cats don't make butter. i would like a cow butter sculpture of a cat.
it doesn't make any sense. i'm telling you-- yes, it does! i want a butter sculpture of a cat. cow, goat, or sheep. what is this? all right, we're all on the same team. is it-- [squish] damn, why is that in the kitchen? [beeping] [mumbles indistinctly] [beeps] [humming] [beeps] you might want to consider changing teams, because we would-- we would love to have you. no, copier's great. yeah? yeah. i have my copies. there they are. and i have my original. you got it. so suck it. okay. okay. michael, i bought you a hot chocolate. i hope that's okay. oh, thank you, my dear. wait, michael. let me open the door for you.
oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. okay. there he is! there he is! hello, hello. hello! good to see you, good to see you. oh! mm. yeayah! there's that ass. hey, hey! yeah, uhn, uhn! whoo! oh, yeah! oh, don't take it away! [michael laughs] oh! ah, i almost choked. here's another place. it's beautiful. hey-oh! so... why don't we try this out and see what would happen? give it a little test drive. what do you say? you pretend to be angela's father. you will play angela, and i'll pretend to be you. that way you can see what it looks like when you're up here. [whistles pachelbel's canon in d] ♪ ba da da da da da ♪ da da dee da da dum ♪ ba da da da da da [whistles]