tv FOX 45 Late Edition FOX October 30, 2013 12:35am-1:10am EDT
what are you doing? we doth offer so many discounts, we have some to spare. oh, you have any of those homeowners discounts? here we go. thank you. he took my shield, my lady. these are troubling times in the kingdom. more discounts than we knoweth what to do with. now that's progressive. - iris, let me tell you. david wallace is the ceo. but he's not hands-on. - so the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? - entirely is the perfect way to describe it, iris. - uh, excuse me, i'm being told by my sound engineer steve that, uh, there is a clinking sound coming from your end. does your shirt have buttons? - yes. - i'm so sorry, we are going to have to ask you to remove the shirt altogether. - now then. we were saying, when my workers gather-- - oh, i'm so sorry. i am told we are still having problems, mr. schrute. your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
- that's impossible. - are you, by any chance, wearing pants with a metallic zipper? - [sighs] the senator is exhausted. this campaign is wearing him out. - it's a tough one. - that man he's up against is so dirty, and the senator's just pushing back as hard as he can. - [groans] please stop. - what? - please stop. - anyways, last night, he was so tired, he just wanted a little mexican brought in. - [laughs] i can't. it's--it's too much. [laughs] - i'm in big trouble. - yeah, oscar's in big trouble. - okay, how is my voice now? - i'm getting the all clear from steve. so, mr. schrute, what is your response to the consumer product safety commission that says dunder mifflin paper is toxic?
- this is gotcha journalism. but you know what? they're not gonna "gotch" me. - it's clearly not an accounting mistake. - oh, kevin. - so... - his gambling problem must have resurfaced. i'm gonna have to send him home until i can do an investigation. - well, you gotta do what you gotta do, so... - this is slander, ms. black. slander, i say. i dare you to produce one credible source about this. - well, as it happens, we have with us the foreman of your upstate new york paper mill, sondra mc-- sondra mick. - [new york accent] good afternoon, iris. it's a pleasure. - i'll get straight to the point. is your paper toxic? - no, the paper's not toxic... - thank you, sondra! - unless it's exposed to oxygen. then it becomes extremely toxic. - do not listen to her! this employee is obviously disgruntled. - what the heck is going on? the stock price is plummeting. are you gonna get control of the message, or do i have to send in someone who understands the media? - get out of here, moron! - okay. - uh, excuse me, mr. dwight, who are you talking to? - okay. i will be right there.
hey, oscar. what if i'm getting a promotion? - i hope that's it, kevin. - me too. 'cause then,i would ge, and i wouldn't screw up your secret with angela. i've been really worried about that. - hi, kevin. look, i need to talk to you-- - hi. - guys, excuse me. um, a quick word? please, just-- - oscar, we're in the middle of talking. - i know. i'm so sorry. snack machine, on me. - oh, that is nice. classy move. - that's what i'm saying! no, of course not! [door opens] wha-- - what are you doing? - those figures i gave you, they're false. - no. - i was mad at kevin. we had a fight, and i acted vindictively. - so you set him up.
- yes, he's innocent. - oh...i knew it. i knew it from the beginning, this was a possibility. - what are you talking about? just did this now. - oh, no, a few years ago, when i was on the jury, the scranton strangler. - sure. - i always thought he might have been set up, but i felt pressured to convict. - that's gotta be tough. - tough? i put an innocent man on death row. - the fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount. since mr. dwight schrute began speaking, dunder mifflin share prices fell 73%. mr. schrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership. can we announce your resignation at this time? - my resignation? what are you talking about? no, i'm just following orders! listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the ceo and chairman, david wallace. - that's yours? - that's the family boat right there. - oh, my gosh, andy. this is enormous. - right? - i thought it was gonna be tiny. oh, my gosh. it's beautiful. so this is how your family came to america.
- move. - sorry? - i'm trying to rig a boat here. i don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. - sure, i-i'm not-- i didn't know. - i'm not a ghost, so i can't walk through people. okay. - okay. he was salty. - yes, a little bit. how you doing, old buddy? missed you. - what does that one do? - this raises the mainsail. that was my job when we went sailing. - i wish i had seen you do it. - up she goes. - don't do that. don't do that. - oh, it's okay. my girlfriend and i were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. you know what? get some dinner on me. - nope. can't do that. - got it. you know what, then we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor. - we've already started boarding. no one is insured to rig or operate now, except us. - you know what? chill, okay? i own the boat. not gonna sue myself. all right? so just-- wow. - i can smack you all day if you keep touching
what you're not supposed to touch. - okay, fine, fine. - okay? yeah, fine. - good stuff. - good stuff. great stuff. [bleep] damn it! screw you, dad! ugh! have hail damage to both their cars. ted ted is trying to get a hold of his insurance agent. maxwell is not. he's on geico.com setting up an appointment with an adjuster. ted is now on hold with his insurance company. maxwell is not and just confirmed a 5:30 time for tuesday. ted, is still waiting. yes! maxwell is out and about... with ted's now ex-girlfriend. wheeeee! whoo! later ted! online claims appointments. just a click away on geico.com.
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hurry in for this limited time offer. - well, we're doing it. we're finally having a picnic on the boat. - i've had a thousand picnics on this boat. the point was for me to sail it. - andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. - fine, but i could have. - as long as we're on this boat, as far as i'm concerned, you're the captain. - i am the captain. - yeah. - right? - yeah. - i'm the captain. hey, charm school. - what? - i'm taking over from here. - nice. - okay, i hate to ruin this, uh, moment, or breakdown, but you already signed the papers. so, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the bahamas in ten days. - yeah, i know, 'cause i'm sailing it there. - okay, no. i already said you're not getting back your deposit. - fine, keep it. just leave the supplies. i already paid for those.
and how much for that cool fisherman sweater? - for those just joining us, terror in greenwich, where police have surrounded the house of dunder mifflin ceo david wallace. wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet, and has taken a mailman hostage. on the line, we have chief of greenwich police, mr. bill jackson. - good afternoon. - please, sir, spare him. please. - uh, this wallace guy's looking at hard time, and we only know this because of what dwight snoot said on record. - okay, everyone. everyone, hold on. i've got a solution. i know wallace's phone number. everyone hold, i'll conference him in. - oh, no, mr. schrute, there's really no need to, um, involve mr. wallace. - do you even know what you're doing? - yeah. yeah, i know how to hoist the mainsail, i know how to-- these buttons control bilge pumps and stuff. i also know where the booze stash is. hello.
walt? - oh, god! thank goodness you're here. i was having a little trouble, uh, with this door, uh, yesterday. i, um-- i think it was yesterday. - i thought you were in rehab. - yeah, i just, uh-- i figured i'd get that first relapse out of the way. god, what's happened to our family? everything is so messed up. how did you even know i was in here? - i didn't. i just came to say good-bye to the boat, but i've decided to sail it to bermuda. - bahamas, andy. - same thing. i need a crew. you should be my crew. three weeks, open ocean, no booze. you need this. i need it. we need this. serious bro time. come on. - hello? - david, is that you? - dwight? - oh, thank god. oh, thank god. are you okay? is everyone okay? - yeah. are you okay? - i'm okay. i just want you to know that i believe in you.
i really do. and i believe in your ability to make the right choices. i always have, david. - well, thanks, dwight. - you're welcome, sir. but, david, listen to me carefully. i'm going to need you to let the mailman go, okay? - dwight? - walk out of the house... - what? - with your hands on top of your head. everything is going to be fine. dunder mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison. - okay, dwight? gonna ask you to not call me on my cell anymore. gotta go. [applause] - wait a minute. you guys? you heard? all: schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! schrute! - schrute! schrute! overall, i'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way i expected. - well, oscar, i did not get the promotion. he just wanted to update my personal information. - well, i'm sorry, kevin.
- why on earth would you think you were getting a promotion? - you know what, angela? i-- oh, my god. - honey, what are you doing here? - oh, i just had an intuition that someone i love needed a little of my attention today. oscar, looking very healthy. getting lots of vigorous exercise? - no. no. - oscar, what is going on? what was that? - wha-- - what was that? - i-i'm sorry. i didn't mean any offense. i was just trying to be friendly. - you know what? i'm sorry. i overreacted, because i'm stressed out. why am i stressed out? who's not stressed out? who's not stressed out? - come on, oscar. we're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious. senator lipton has a big election next week. we all need to give him our support. [scattered applause] - oh, thank you. thank you very much. oh, thanks, everybody. - 'cause it's really cool. usa! usa! - usa. u--
i have to say, i'm impressed with kevin. uh, he showed a lot of self-control. - i totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] oscar is having sex with the senator, and angela doesn't even know. [laughs] her life is a complete sham. [laughs] - all right, guys. cast us off. walt, all aboard. erin, this is because of you. do you realize that? you're the best ever. - oh, you know, just being a good girlfriend. - "good"? come on. above and beyond. world's greatest. you did this. damn it, i'm happy! - yes, i am very pleased i could help andy. would i have gone with him if he'd asked me? on his sailboat cruise to the caribbean? yes, i think that would have been really fun and romantic.
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- hey, some buddies and i are going to poor richard's for beers and pool. you want to come? i can't promise you too much, but you might get to meet my friend flipper. - does he have a flipper? - uh, he flipped a table one time when he was drunk. - he sounds like an idiot. - yeah, he is. - okay. - okay. - thanks. - yeah.
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everyone loves p[paper ruffling] what's this? looks like a red wire. oh. that wasn't here before. well, it's a computer, dwight. i mean, computers have wires. yours doesn't. doesn't it? no. it's going in a different direction than the other wires. dwight, i'm really busy. i can't talk about this anymore. [cabinet door opens] [tape tearing] here. dwight! just shut up, phyllis. get outta here. (stanley) what are you doing?
♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's so groovy now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ ♪ i think it's wonderful now ♪ that people are finally getting together. ♪ overmany discounts to thine customers! [old english accent] safe driver, multi-car, paid in full -- a most fulsome bounty indeed, lord jamie. thou cometh and we thy saveth! what are you doing? we doth offer so many discounts, we have some to spare. oh, you have any of those homeowners discounts? here we go. thank you. he took my shield, my lady. these are troubling times in the kingdom. more discounts than we knoweth what to do with. now that's progressive. what you talkin' 'bout, wallace?
(wallace on speakerphone) hi, michael. how are you? hi, i'm well. how are you? very good. so, listen, as you know, we haven't yet filled the regional supervisor job. oh, have you not? correct, and i was wondering if i could get you to do some of the fieldwork that would normally go to the supervisor. okay, there's an area from carbondale to marshbrook where we've never done any business. there's a small company there, prince paper. i can't get a report on it because it's not a public company. mm-hmm. but we've been talking about going after their market. so i was hoping you could do some fact-finding for me. okay. so i'll fax over some of the things we're looking for, okay? fax? why don't you just send it over on a dinosaur? look, this is important, michael. oh, well, then e-mail it, david. you've got no taste, stanley hudson. oh, i do. what are you guys talking about? some actress. whether she's hot. (andy) who's the gal in question? hilary swank. ah, hilary swank. not at all. she's got mean eyes. have you seen her with her bangs?
she looks like a monster. guys, she is a beautiful movie star. so maybe we should just go to work. she is an amazing actress. but that's not the question. she's not hot. (kevin) yeah. thank you, phyllis. okay, why don't we just put this to a vote? and then we'll be done with it. i'm not voting. no one cares. who thinks that hilary swank is hot, raise your hand. okay, and who thinks that hilary swank is not hot, raise your hand. five. five to five. thank you, accounting department. so what do we do now? what if the owner of prince family paper has a beautiful daughter and we have to seduce her in order to get their secrets? i will seduce her. no, i wanna seduce her. i'll seduce her. let me seduce her. no, no, no. michael, please, can i seduce her? i got it. you'll fall in love with her. yeah, so what if i did? that would take precedence, and i would expect your support. okay, so let's go over the plan again. all right, i'm a local business owner. mm-hmm. i need to buy paper. i find out everything about their prices and policies.
your fictitious name? michael scarn. good. i am a paper salesman looking for a new job. i find out everything about their expenses and salaries. okay. then we meet at the denny's, and we compare notes. no. no, i never said denny's. ihop. no, i said denny's. ihop. we're going to ihop. you know how i feel about ihop. oh, don't start. are you a socialist? you know whati don't want to get into this debate again. okay. i enjoy ihop. i'll have a cup of coffee. you will have pancakes, and you'll like it. the store next to them is for lease. so what? it means they're not expanding. maybe they're shrinking. no, no. they could be shrinking. no, because the sign is centered perfectly above their store. no sign of the sign being moved. aha. (dwight) it's lunchtime. but no sign of anyone coming in or out, which means they're not taking new customers out to lunch. mm-hmm. which means they're not acquiring new business. so once again, no growth. yeah, and there are clouds. clouds in the sky.
that means it's gonna rain. bad for business. oh, it would if they were altocumulus, not cirrostratus. why do you--okay. michael, get your clouds right. whatever. shut up. okay. so you go in now, i'm gonna go in in exactly ten minutes. we have never met each other. we are complete strangers. right. also, we're gonna need a signal to bolt outta there in case there is danger. and that signal is-- lick your lips. try it. no, no, no. like this. good. ready to do this? yeah. all right. here come the sharks. bah-dum. (both) bah-dum. bah-dum, bah-dum, bah-dum, bah-dum, [accelerating "bum"s] [keeps going after michael stops] bah-dum. (both) bah-dum. have hail damage to both their cars. ted
ted is trying to get a hold of his insurance agent. maxwell is not. he's on geico.com setting up an appointment with an adjuster. ted is now on hold with his insurance company. maxwell is not and just confirmed a 5:30 time for tuesday. ted, is still waiting. yes! maxwell is out and about... with ted's now ex-girlfriend. wheeeee! whoo! later ted! online claims appointments. just a click away on geico.com.
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[ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at $7.99. (michael) in nature, there's something called the food chain. it is where the shark eats the little shark, and the little shark eats the littler shark, and so on and so on and so on until you get down to the single-cell shark. so now, replace sharks with paper companies. and that is all you need to know about business. hello. hello. hello. hi. hi. how can i help you? my name is michael scarn. i am a local business owner, and i would like to find out about your company. oh, please come in. thank you. what kind of business are you in? we're a law firm. i assume your primary paper needs are stationery, general office.
you know, i'll be honest with you about something. where i used to live, our paper supplier had a lot of big clients, and i just didn't feel like a priority. so i guess my question to you would be, how many clients do you have? about 80. really? that many? this doesn't seem like a very big operation. well, it's just me, my wife, and my son. (michael) ah, so when-- when did you set up shop? oh, i opened this place after i came back from vietnam. ooh, vietnam. i hear it's lovely. hmm. (andy) each side will have three minutes to prepare opening arguments. topic: hilary swank is attractive. (all) hot. the debate is whether she's hot. what difference does it make? attractive, hot, beautiful-- we're talking about the same thing here. huge difference. a painting can be beautiful, but i don't want to [bleep] a painting. oh-kay! tmi. so even specialty paper, say 94 brightness double-bonded,
you would put that on the same truck as your conventional stock? you sure know a lot about paper for a lawyer. oh, well, that is because i am a genius. oh, really? yes, well, about some things. and other things, i'm just--i'm very stupid. [chuckles] like watch this. is this the cup? is this the cup? is this what i drink out of? gah! [laughs] laughter is my job. tears are my game. law is my profession. ah, well... (dwight) hello. i'd like to apply for a job. hi, i'm afraid we're not hiring right now. why don't you just get rid of this guy? that's my son. i'm your son now. you can visit him on holidays. dwight schrute. i'm a paper salesman at a second-tier paper company called dunder mifflin. i'm the top salesman there, and i'm looking for a new challenge. i would say you guys have, what, 40 high-volume clients?
try 80. 80, that's nothing. i've got 90 clients myself. better look out. someone might run you out of business. well, i sure hope not. [laughter] me too. i think all of us have a tendency to view celebrities as sort of mythical figures. you know, we don't really see them as real, so therefore, we don't judge them as real people. are you serious? jim, just show us a picture. kevin, come on. yeah, shut up, kevin. no, but he's making all these fancy-- it's a t thing. (jim) that's fair. you know what, kev, do me a favor. why don't you close your eyes? [whispering] okay, now imagine that hilary swank comes into this office for real. she walks over to you and she says, [whispering] "kevin malone, i just read your online profile. "and there's nothing i'd rather do than make out with you right now." now you tell me, something. is she hot?
[cheers and applause] does that end the debate? or... hey, kevin, what are you doing? no, it's "is she hot?", not "would you do her?" respect the game. oh, my god. this close. so why are you considering leaving dunder mifflin? my boss. oh, yeah? do tell. his insensitivity could border on the cruel. this is a man who does not listen to the needs of his underlings. hey! he's way-- hey, how's the interview going? it's going very well. don't blow it. hey, linda, can i get a picture of you? you want a picture of me? i would. could you just stand right over here? yeah. that would be great. just something to remember the trip by. just a little to your left. there you go. good. [camera beeps] perfect.