Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 19, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

11:35 pm
>> jon: stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. please! welcome to "the late show."
11:36 pm
i am your host, stephen colbert. what a beautiful crowd we have here tonight. and we've got some very special audience members tonight. they're joining us from the united states coast guard reserve, everybody. please, give them a hand over there. ( applause ) thank you so much for being here. ladies and gentlemen of the coast guard. thank you for dressing up in your dress blues. you look lovely. today is the 75th anniversary of the coast guard reserve, and i'm glad they're here so no one can smuggle drugs in a speedboat through my front row. thank you for your service. thank you for guarding our coasts. so is everybody excited for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i am. are you guys going to have fun? i am completely pumped because
11:37 pm
primary in nevada, and the big be a lady tomorrow or will luck be a cranky old man in a rumpled suit?" and something has emerged that is potentially damaging to hillary clinton's campaign, and it's hillary clinton-- it's true-- who has been dogged by questions trustworthiness, and here she is yesterday with our friend scott pelley. you know in 1976, jimmy carter famously said, "i will not lie to you". >> well, i will tell you, i have tried in every way i know how, literally from my years as a young lawyer, all the way through my time as secretary of state to level with the american people. >> some people are going to call that wiggle room that you gave yourself there. >> well, no. >> jimmy carter said, "i will never lie to you." >> you know, you're asking me to say, "have i ever?" i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever have. i don't believe i ever will. i am going to do the best i can to level with the american
11:38 pm
>> stephen: how can you be this bad at it? just say no! just say no! ( laughter ) you're running for president of the united states! even-- even richard nixon knew to say, "i am not a crook." he didn't say, "it has always been my intention, as far as i believe, i will do the best i can to not be a crook." "will you lie? "is the homerun of campaign questions. you just say no and then touch all the bases. these are not advanced communication skills. any child knows how to answer that question. and here to prove it is an actual child. come on out here, billy. ( cheers and applause ) hey, this is billy, everybody. say hi to billy. hey, billy, nice to have you
11:39 pm
now now, billy, earlier today, did you throw this ball through my window? >> no. >> stephen: really? >> i would never lie to you. >> stephen: okay, i believe you. >> great. can i have my ball back? >> stephen: there you go. billy, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) it's not hard. just do that. just do that. okay? even the orange cap would be cute. and speaking of not lying, i cannot lie, we have a great show for you tonight. that is how you slide into a segue. first, i will sit down with comedian chelsea handler, ladies and gentlemen. then i'll be talking with one of the stars of hbo's "girls," zosia mamet. and we will have a musical performance from the lumineers.
11:40 pm
( band playing ) that sound is the one made by jon batiste and stay human. give them a salute, everybody. say hi! ( applause ) they're about to kick us off, but before they do, one more thing: yahoo! is reportedly for sale. don't believe me? google it. >> tonight, stephen welcomes chelsea handler. star of "girls," zosia mamet. and a musical performance by the liewm neerdz. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
11:41 pm
show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! now, jon, jon. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. frequently and love the band like i do might notice, jon, you have a guest. >> we have maude arnold on the ( applause ). >> stephen: thank you for joining us so much. ( cheers and applause ) folks, as i said before, it's friday, and as you know every friday we set up hypothetical battles between any two things,
11:42 pm
it could be anything: like pancake versus waffle. ariana grande versus mocacchino grande, or the jersey boys versus the california raisins, then we post those and you the people decide the victor. so get your game thumbs on because it's time for... >> audience:eded>>"friday night fights"! >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights"! before we get to tonight's matchup, it's time for last week's results. our guest commentator was dot com darling arianna huffington, who couldn't join us tonight because she's busy in huffpo labs identifying parts that slip other than nip. our first fight pitted mozart with a magic flute against beethoven with a machete. arianna put her euros on mozart. i backed beethoven, who took it with a commanding 60% of the
11:43 pm
i won, everybody. ( applause ) i've always said it: never bring a flute to a machete fight, a saying that finally makes sense. then we asked what brought you more joy, seeing a photo of your coworker's baby or not getting charged for the extra guac on your burrito? mama arianna put her bets on baby, but 86% of america jumped on my free guac bus. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. guac came out on top! then also came out of the sides when you took a bite. takeaway: i won both match-ups! i don't want to gloat, but i do wish arianna was here so i could not want to gloat right to her face. now it's time for our friday fighter du jour. he's a comedian, an actor, a writer, a "daily show" contributor. get ready for the hodg-man, the hodg-myth, the hodg-legend,
11:44 pm
( cheers and applause ) john, thanks so much. thanks for being here. good to see you. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: john, you're a brave man for being here. so many good men have fallen before you. tell me, what are you doing with your time these days? you have a podded cast, i understand. >> it's perfect i should be here because i host the "judge john hodgman podcast." people call in with disputes and i tell them who is right and who is wrong. >> stephen: first up, it's a classic mythical matchup that has been debated for centuries: bigfoot versus the tooth fairy. let's go to the tall tale of the tape. coming in at 10'2", 1,500 pounds, with a shoe size of big, this hairy hermit's natural habitat is grainy footage. his strengths include being a tower of muscle and
11:45 pm
and the confidence that comes what big feet is a sure sign of. split ends, beef jerky, and usually turns out to be a dead bear. impressive, but he'll have to sasq-watch his back, because he's going up against the tooth fairy, coming in at 0'7" and a solid 2 pounds, including a roll of quarters, this benevolent imp hails from the dreams of sleeping children everywhere. strengths include the power of flight, stealthy enough to lift a pillow without waking a sleeping child, and a shillelagh encrusted with razor-sharp baby teeth. weaknesses include a shimmering sparkly outfit that makes it hard to hide, fragile gossamer wings and a bad business model. so what say you, john. >> stephen, i pick the tooth fairy. big foot, in real life, big food footis a wimp. >> stephen: what? >> absolutely.
11:46 pm
talking about? >> in all cultures in all legends of bigfoot, whether you call him bigfoot, sasquatch, or his given name, craig bigfoot, he is always described as a shy, retiring creature, afraid of confrontation who just wants to be left alone. you put a v-neck on bigfoot, you have jeb bush. >> stephen: jeb's making a comeback. jeb's making a comeback. think about the tooth fairy. the tooth fairy is only seven inches tall. he has one weapon against her, and it's very large. it's his foot. he steps on her, she's dead. she's only the length of a piece of beef jerky. and he will snap off her head like biting into slim jim. >> i get it, the tooth fairy is small and magical and everybody loves her because she comes into your room at night and takes a disgusting piece of your body that has fallen out of your head and gives you money. >> stephen: that's exactly right. >> noboby asks why?
11:47 pm
why has she been sneaking into our children's room night after night taking samples of their d.n.a.? >> stephen: i'm sorry, what, what? >> you know what i'm talking about. >> when the bigfoot goes tooth foot it's like you and what army. and the tooth fairy is a clone of every human child that has lived. >> stephen: you're living in a fantasy world! you're living in a fantasy world. now it's up for to you diswied decide. let's take it to twitter. you can vote right now, who would win in a fight, bigfoot or the tooth fairy. pollspolls are open. i thought there was more to say there, but there's no more to say there. it's time for our next round are you ready for this? >> are you okay? >> i'm fine. >> stephen: i've jacked you back into your beard. are you ready to do this. >> my beard can take it. who would win in a fight: an apple genius with a switchblade
11:48 pm
let's go to the tale of the tape. we'll start with the apple genius. he comes in at 5'8", 157 pounds, boasting an unused comp lit degree, his battle armor is a blue t-shirt, one of those dangly i.d.s, and an impenetrable layer of condescension. plus, he comes armed with a six-inch switchblade. he's aleady charged you $80 for earbuds, so he knows how to gouge. and he just spent last 6 hours trying to explain the cloud to your mom, so he's already in a killing rage. this genius' weaknesses include having to stop constantly for ios updates and not being an actual genius. very impressive, but don't underestimate his opponent: a walmart greeter with a crossbow. coming in at 5'4", down from the 5'11" in his prime. and weighing in at 150 pounds. that includes fully loaded pill container. this friendly fellow is known for his warm demeanor and nipple-high belt. strengths include knowing the
11:49 pm
was like in his day, not to mention his aluminum recurve crossbow with quick-detach quiver and carbide steel bolts, able to silently take down any animal. plus, he saw some messed-up stuff in korea. weaknesses include-- weakness. okay, john, apple genius with a switchblade versus walmart greeter with a crossbow. who do you l le in this customer service smackdown? >> well, you know, i really should recuse myself from this one. as you know, i starred in a long series of ads for apple computer. i love apple products. i love the stores. i still-- ( applause ) excuse me. i still have the glasses and the suit and i'm ready to start work again as soon as possible. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i have to go with that walmart greater with the crossboy beau. >> stephen: how is that possible? >> because it's a range weapon. it's literally not close. he's going to shoot that apple dude from yards away before he gets near him. >> stephen: the crossbow has a 100-yard range but the walmart
11:50 pm
of, like, eight yards. he is never going to see him. >> ageism. >> stephen: what? >> ageism. >> stephen: it's the truth, man. even if he gets a lucky shot off the apple guy has an iphone six-pluses over his heart, it rick shays off. nothing can destroy those things unless you drop them from the height of a coffee table. okay? >> low blow, low blow. >> stephen: that's it. >> doesn't matter. even if the greater misfires and hits the apple genius right in the skinny jeans, pulls the bolt out of his leg, gets him right through the eye cavity into his brain hole, what i call his genius hole. and then he bleeds out. >> stephen: that is-- that is-- that is a disgusting image. >> well, you chose the terms. you chose man-on-man death combat. i dont like to think about violence. you know who else doesn't? apple-store employees. these are urbab, urbane,
11:51 pm
little beanies. they don't want to fight. do i trust them to with my back in a knife fight? this is not fruit ninja, okay. this is real life. >> stephen: here's what the apple genius does. he has backup. he uses siri. he says siri, give me how to fight a crossbow. >> i saw a flaw. >> stephen: you see awe flaw? you see this? and siri thinks he says crosby, and it starts playing crosby, stills and nash's "teach your children well." ( laughter ) >> yes. >> stephen: the old guy starts crying because he's reminded when he was younger and had a loughner san francisco who left him and he's got children out there he's never even met while the old guy is crying the apple genius guy comes up with his lanyard and strangles him. game over! game over! ( cheers and applause ) game over! >> that is a fantastical
11:52 pm
>> a beautiful novel, but truly, stephen, gut check-- who do you believe-- in your heart-- has the capacity for murder? an apple employee or a walmart employee? ( laughter ) let's let twitter decide. you can vote now on "who would win in a fight, an apple genius with a switchblade versus a walmart greeter with a crossbow." tweet your votes today. the polls will close wednesday at midnight. get out and vote. or more accurately, stay on the couch and vote. that does it for... >> audience: friday night fights. >> stephen: give it up for mr. john hodgman, everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea handler. ( applause ) can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile!
11:53 pm
and get a fourth line, free! hurry. only at t-mobile. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. and i'd like to... cut. so i'm gonna take this opportunity to direct.
11:54 pm
evening, film noir, smoke, atmosphere... bob... you're a young farmhand and e trade is your cow. milk it. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. it's just a cough. if you could see your cough, you'd see just how far it can spread. robitussin dm max soothes your throat and delivers fast, powerful cough relief. robitussin dm max. because it's never just a cough. this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. not again. it's called a timeshare. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast,
11:55 pm
11:56 pm
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is a bestselling author, talk show host, and comedian. she's here to talk about her latest project, "chelsea does." >> it's so hard dating at my age. i'm busy. i work. i'm famous. i live with a les.
11:57 pm
over the map. so it's really hard for me to meet a guy. >> maybe you don't remember. >> how to find someone? >> yeah. >> or maybe it could take a long, long time to try to find someone. >> do you guys think-- and i really want your honest opinions -- do you think as a 40-year-old-- i mean, i can get up and show you my body and stuff. do you think that i am too old to get married? >> no. >> no. >> okay. and you think that i have a decent figure? >> yes. >> yes. >> thank you. >> stephen: please welcome chelsea handler. ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you!
11:58 pm
>> stephen: you have more than a decent figure. you have a lovely figure. >> thank you. thank you for noticing. >> stephen: do you often go to seven-year-olds for validation of your sexiness? >> when i get sick and tired of hearing what call the daults have to say, yes, i do. >> stephen: we have met one time before. i really enjoyed meeting you. defense backstage at the time 100. >> yes, yes! >> stephen: you had been named one of the 100 most influential people in the world. >> that was. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. congratulations. >> thank you. and you were-- were you the emcee. >> stephen: i was the emcee that night, exactly. i was the emcee. i was the emcee that night. >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. yeah. they couldn't give me-- they couldn't give me the time 100 award because i had already been on the list twice before. >> oh, wow! >> stephen: you'll get it a second time. you'll get it a second time. >> i don't remember. what years were those? >> stephen: uhhh... i think 1957 and 1959.
11:59 pm
>> yeah, that's a long time ago. >> stephen: now i loved "chelsea lately." why did you stop "chelsea lately?" it was on for only seven years. >> because you had to sit-- because it was really stupid. >> stephen: but i love stupid. stupid is good. >> no, i love stupid too. but you can only talk about stupidity for so long before you actually become stupid. i mean, it was really, really hard to talk to people like that every day. >> stephen: i wouldn't know what you're talking about. talking about. it? do you like interviewing celebrities every night. >> stephen: i do, i do. >> you better say you do. >> stephen: i don't like interviewing celebrities. i like people. you're a celebrity, but i don't care. >> right -- >> i don't. i like you as a person. you're an entertaining person. >> but you wouldn't know me if i wasn't a celebrity. >> stephen: i know, thank god you are. if you were just off someplace i would miss out on you, but i haven't, thanks to hollywood. >> i would say that's thanks to god.
12:00 am
>> yeah, jesus christ and his savior. >> stephen: really, jesus, jesus-- wait a second. nice try. jesus christ and his-- hold on. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up! back it up! >> stephen: you just said jesus christ and his savior. >> yeah. i'm jewish i don't know how that goes. jesus christ -- >> well, you know, chel chelsy the door is always open. the door is always open. >> jesus christ is god's son, right? >> stephen: that's exactly right. that's exactly how it works. you've caught up with the first century. >> and who is mohammed. >> stephen: mohammed say prophet of god. >> and he. >> -- and he's friends with gandhi? >> stephen: no, i think gandhi liked him just fine. but mohammed is from the sixth century. >> we're getting somewhere. >> stephen: you're not a very religious person, i take it. >> no, but i've done yoga. >> stephen: that's close enough. ( laughter ) you took 18 months off after
12:01 am
>> that was the best, the best time of my life ever. >> stephen: being off, not working? >> i grew up. i turned 40. i was didn't have to go to work every day. i traveled the world. >> stephen: that's not what grown-ups do. grown-ups suck is up and go to work whether they like it or not. >> i'm back to work. back off! you have very, very aggressive! >> stephen: i'm going to baptize you in a minute. ( cheers and applause ) you'd never even know. it's like the tooth fairy. in the middle of the night i'm going to come for you. >> the church wouldn't take me. >> stephen: what? >> they would reject me. >> stephen: they refuse no river, chelsea. so "chelsea does," you-- you does various things. >> what a gross-- what a gross expression. >> stephen: the sea refuses no river? >> that was so gross! >> stephen: you don't like that? >> no, i don't like it. it reminds me of other things. anyway, what were you saying? >> stephen: just talking about
12:02 am
>> oh, talking about my show. i did a docu-show. i did one on racism and silicon valley because i'm a luddite. i did one on drugs because i love them. and i did one on marriage because i don't know anything about that. i wanted to pick different topics, some i knew a little bit about, and some i knew nothing about. how is your marriage? >> stephen: it's really good. my wife is in the audience tonight, actually. >> she is? oh, hi! that's so sweet! >> stephen: yeah. >> you guys are like-- you guys are like dr. phil and his wife. >> stephen: exactly. at the end of every episode i walk out, i kiss her, and we walk into the sunset. you know what we haven't done? talked about your show at all. could you stick around after the economy, break. >> let's do it. >> stephen: do you really want to? >> i'm so excited. your wife is here. that's so sweet. it really is. it's so sweet.
12:03 am
we'll be a thuple. >> stephen: that's really nice. you'll have to explain to me what that is. we'll be right back with chelsea handler. we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning) ...alec? we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is.
12:04 am
and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. i have asthma... of many pieces in my life. so when my asthma symptoms kept coming back on my long-term control medicine, i talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment. once-daily breo prevents asthma symptoms. breo is for adults with asthma not well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. breo won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. breo opens up airways to help improve breathing for a full 24 hours. breo contains a type of medicine that increases the risk of death from asthma problems and may increase the risk of hospitalization in children and adolescents. breo is not for people whose asthma is well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. once your asthma is well controlled, your doctor will decide if you can stop breo and prescribe a different asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. do not take breo more than prescribed. see your doctor if your asthma does not improve or gets worse.
12:05 am
could be a missing piece for you. see if you're eligible for 12 months free at every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting the water they need for their families. each limited edition stella artois chalice helps provide five years of clean water
12:06 am
12:07 am
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. chelsea handler. we were talking about. >> i want to interrupt you. my sisters came tonight because they really like you and they never come to anything. they don't even watch me. >> stephen: they sound like lovely people. >> they are. they're in the back. since it's a family night i figured -- >> are they younger or older? >> everyone is older than me. >> stephen: are you from a big family? >> i'm from a big family.
12:08 am
that's a lot. i'm the youngest. >> stephen: i'm the youngest. it's fantastic. they have to listen to your stories. >> and when they stop listening you get your own tv show. >> stephen: exactly. it's called being needy. it's called being needy. ( applause ) but it butt you got rid of your tv show and now you have "chelsea does." but as you're saying, these are serious issues you're talking about-- >> serious issues but with a sense of humor. >> stephen: i know, but is this "chelsea does journalism?" why did you want to learn about-- drug. you drank iowaska tea, used in spiritual awakenings among the indigenous people of peru. how did that work out? >> you hallucinate. the first time it didn't hit me. i have a high tolerance. >> stephen: with the tea or pretty much anything? >> pretty much anything-- the pills, street drugs. and the second name nighti had to go with the shawman -- >> you're with a shawman and a fire. >> there's not a fire, no -- >> don't talk like that was a
12:09 am
"there's not a fire!" i mean it's a shaman not a witch doctor. >> it wasn't a cracked house. ( laughter ) so they put this brew in and they brew this tea with these leaves -- >> what is iowaska? >> it's like a tree root. it's got d.m.t. in it. and you vomit. >> stephen: sign me up! >> yeah. and you purge. they call it purging and you purge and you have all these hallucinations about your childhood. it's very, very vivid, like, vivid imagery. >> stephen: and is that good? i mean, did you get something from it? >> yeah, i had forgotten they loved my sister. >> stephen: all right. ( laughter ) so i told her right away. i was like, "hey, girl, love you again! >> stephen: you also do one on racism. >> yes. >> stephen: and you actually talked to some people from my home state of south carolina, who say that, well, slavery wasn't that bad. did you freak out on them when they said that? what was your reaction? how did you control yourself?
12:10 am
documentaries were an exercise in restraint. i wanted to do something i knew nothing about. i wanted to be out of my comfort zone -- >> and you knew nothing about racism? where did you grow up? >> i knew nothing about documentaries. what you think you know about racism you don't know until you go to the south. i always had an idea that everybody who is racist is some hillbilly that lives in the south with one tooth and, you know, drinks beer from 9:00 a.m. to-- till whenever he passes out. but i actually met a lot of people that were intellectuals that were racists, that, you know, had a college education, that-- i mean -- >> some of them are running for president. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) you're welcome. >> stephen: thank you very much. do you get into politics at all. >> yeah! i love politics. i'm into it. yeah, i want to talk about politics. >> stephen: like now, or like in general in your life? >> just, like, later. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm afraid that's
12:11 am
>> oh, i guess forget it, then. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> it was great to be here. thank you for having me. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet your sister. >> and it was lovely to meet your wife and your wife's friends. hello, friend, wife. this is like a family reunion. it's like we're a bunch of mormons, all our big families. ( laughter ). >> stephen: people can stream this now? >> yes, it's available on netflix right now! >> stephen: "chelsea does" is available on netflix right now. chelsea handler, everybody. thanks so much. ( applause ) what the internet did for buying music and plane tickets and shoes? you would turn an intimidating process into an easy one. you could get a mortgage on your phone. and if it could be that easy, wouldn't more people buy homes? and wouldn't those buyers need to fill their homes with lamps and blenders and sectional couches with hand-lathed wooden legs?
12:12 am
opportunities for wooden leg makers? and wouldn't those new leg makers own phones from which they could quickly and easily secure mortgages of their own, further stoking demand for necessary household goods as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things and isn't that the power of america itself now shrunk to fit the hands of a child, or, more helpfully, a home-buying adult. anyway. that's what we were thinking. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. [dog whine]
12:13 am
12:14 am
12:15 am
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, my parents always told me to never talk politics at the dinner table, which is why i don't have a dinner table out here. ( laughter ) and we've still got nine months until the election. but between now and then, the brave candidates have a long, strange trip full of unexpected dangers. this is the road to the white house. >> the american dream is dead.
12:16 am
>> stephen: that opening graphic was based on a true story. now, on the republican side tomorrow, all eyes are on my home state of south carolina. and i encourage all palmetto state republicans to get out and vote. you can have an important voice in who i'll be making jokes about for the next four years. i think you know who my choice is. and this is still anybody's race. believe it or not, the hottest thing on social media right now is current presidential candidate and future co-op board treasurer, jeb bush. jeb knows he really needs to win south carolina, so he's bringing out the big guns, by which i mean tweeting this photo of an actual gun, with his name engraved on it. jeb is either reaching out to gun owners, or he's going to camp and his mom wrote his name on everything.
12:17 am
higher for marco rubio. in iowa, he stormed into third place. in new hampshire, he thundered into fifth place. and he's surging towards second after pouring a lot of other people's money into this new ad. >> it's morning again in america. today more men and women are out of work than ever before in our nation's history. people paying more in taxes than they will for food, housing, and clothing combined. it's morning again in america, and under the leadership of barack obama and hillary clinton, our country is more vulnerable, divided and diminished than ever before. >> stephen: yes, an uplifting message of hope. it's morning in america. but you've got no job, isis is going to kill us all, go back to bed, grab a bottle of jack daniel's. put a nipple on it. and i'm sure this ad will boost the senator, because it provides
12:18 am
the greatest country on earth! except for maybe the one you're seeing in this ad, which uses stock footage of canada. yes. it turns out that skyline is vancouver and that american boat of optimism has a canadian flag on back. maybe it's trying to tug vancouver into the united states! the point is, ladies and gentlemen, that regardless of the footage, i believe this ad speaks to all americans, as surely as the eagle soars, marco rubio is as american as baseball baseball, apple pie, and mom. ( cheers and applause ) he will strengthen our armed forces.
12:19 am
southern border, bring back good american jobs, fix our educational system, and make this country great again. because it's morning in america. vote rubio. you won't be sourry. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with zosia mamet. scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side
12:20 am
53 state wins, and t-mobile... whoa, whoa, whoa. listen, folks. i have to apologize, again. look, those were last years numbers. it says right here on the card. t-mobile doubled there lte coverage in the last year. and with more lte towers than verizon, t-mobile reaches pretty much everyone they do. i'm not taking responsibility on this one... uh-uh, verizon got it wrong... yes! not me! join the millions that switched. (playing harmonica) get your own liquid gold. go on, git! there's gold in them thar shells. liquid gold.
12:21 am
this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
12:22 am
at devry university's college of business, we're looking for what the companies you'd want to work for, are looking for: the go-getters. students who want to go places, in the business they're in now, or the start up they haven't even started yet. at devry we teach, what's been business-world tested. so if you want to learn today, and make an impact tomorrow- you're our kind of student. our kind of different. devry university's college of business.
12:23 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest plays the neurotic, fast talking shoshanna on the hit show "girls." >> that looks great and is ready for some bridessed maidy action. by the way, living in japans that made me so effing good at folding, steaming, pressing, et cetera. me friend said i'm a natural and can compete with the rest of them. they have a reality tv called,"fold, fold, press." >> stephen: please welcome
12:24 am
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: "girls" season 5 premieres on hbo this sunday at 10 p.m. congratulations on season five. >> thank you. >> stephen: how does it feel to be part of an honest-to-god cultural artifact. it has been called one of the most accurate portrails of what it's like to be a woman in her 20 today. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you-- you. >> y would know. that. it's on the card. >> it's on the card, i i got it. >> stephen: do you love finding out what happens to the character or do you dread it? is it predictive of your life? incredibly different. the amount of, like, products that they dress. i bought a brush, like air, year ( laughter ) yeah, i love finding it out. i-- we did press the other day for "girls," and they were asking about, like, if we try to imagine what's going to happen to our characters?
12:25 am
what i could ever imagine, so i always just show up at the table read like, "what's going to happen? let's see! oh, wow, that's crazy!" >> stephen: now, the girls, they do engage in the physical contact in a sexual nature. >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: to keep-- it's cbs. when you look-- do you skim-- are you dreading that or going like, "that will be fun?" when you look at the script, is it comfortable to see that in the script, like, "what am i going to have to do here?" >> it's not like jumping-- it's not like naked people are coming out of my page as me. >> stephen: i know, but i've never-- >> oh, my god! >> stephen: i've never done a sex scene. i've never done a sex scene. >> really! oh, my god. >> stephen: no, i've done the sex, but i've never done the sex scene. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ). >> so you've done-- yeah. you've done -- >> i guess what i'm asking if i saw that in a script, i would be like, "oh, my god.
12:26 am
>> yeah, it's kind of like the sex, except it's pretend. so it's, like, pretend-- it's pretend sex. >> stephen: uh-huh. i did that for-- i did that for years before i met a woman. >> did you? so you know! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so you know. you just didn't read it first. you just read it in your mind. >> stephen: exactly. >> it was like the script played in your mind. it was like, "and then he goes to the dresser--" and i don't know why you're going to the dresser. >> stephen: i don't know, but i can't wait to read the rest of the script. >> something very sex so the dresser. i promise. >> stephen: your character moved to japan. >> yeah. >> stephen: "a," why japan? and did you shoot in japan? >> well, my character gets a job there. and she's having a very hard time getting a job in america, but then the japanese are like, "hey, come here and work." and she's like, "all right, great." >> stephen: is there a lot of japanese jobs for girls in their 20s? >> you would be surprised. you would be very surprise gld did you learn japanese?
12:27 am
>> stephen: anything left? you got anything left over. i was reminded of this word when day. it means cute. it's sort of a slang term like oh, wuaui. it means cute, like swaing cute. >> stephen: ( speaking japanese ). >> are you trying to make me look bad? what was that? you just set me up. >> stephen: everything i know that's in japanese i learned from james clavell's "shogun." that's it. miniseries that's all i know. >> i'm out. >> stephen: that's it, i've got nothing left. if you hadn't said that i would think the man speaks fluent japanese. >> stephen: i'll edit out where i said, "i don't know how to speak japanese." >> you should really keep that going. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, why not. >> stephen: that would be a great rumor. would you like any rumors spread about you? you know what i hear? >> what. >> stephen: i hear that, like,
12:28 am
beck used to play squash together. >> no, it wasn't squash. it's that other thing that squash is like -- >> racquetball? >> no, no, no. >> stephen: handball. >> bad mitten. >> stephen: yeah, that's what it was. you used to play badmitten every day, and that's why it's a perkave dog-- >> i don't know if it's playing. it's more we experienced badmitten together. you know what i mean? is there no. >> yeah, me either. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. congratulations. >> thank you for having me! the fifth season of "girls" returns to hbo this sunday at
12:29 am
i'm not peeking my flight. i'm peeking my...wait, i missed my flight. owl photos. desert photos. photos of... dolphins! a high-stepping gifs. it's all faster with 3d touch iphone 6s.
12:30 am
suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. well, just put on a breathe right strip which instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right you're getting 3 here. alright? here goes. yep. [ crunching ] oh! cheddar, sour cream & onion, and salt & vinegar. wow! wow! how did you do that?! i can see through the blindfold. [ male announcer ] pringles! every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting the water they need for their families. each limited edition stella artois chalice helps provide five years of clean water
12:31 am
the song, "ophelia," ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the
12:32 am
ah, ah when i was young i, i should've known better and i can't feel no remorse and you don't feel nothing back i, i got a new girlfriend here feels like he's on top and i don't feel no remorse and you can't see past my blindness oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl
12:33 am
oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love i, i got a little paycheck you got big plans and you gotta move and i don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small honey, i love you that's all she wrote oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl
12:34 am
oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the lumineers' new album, "cleopatra," is out april l
12:35 am
12:36 am
12:37 am
we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in monoday when my guests will be casey affleck, richard dreyfuss, and music legend mavis staples. good night, everybody! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right it's the late, late show ladies and gentlemen, all the way from libbey, montana, give it up for your host, the one,


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on