tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 9, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome the "late show." thank you so much! yeah! oh, yeah "p" ." ( cheers and applause ) yay! thank you so much, everybody. folks, welcome to "the late show"." there's no getting around it. i am stephen colbert. thank you. thank you so much for joining us here tonight, and out there watching. i know for a fact we have viewers all over the world, and i want to take a moment right now to talk directly to everybody watching down in antarctica. ( laughter ) first of all, aloha. which, down there, of course,
means "hello" and "goodbye" and "give me some alcohol." i'm guessing. because according to the news, there's so much drinking at the south pole right now there are reports of rowdy behavior and indecent expose, which down there is really any exposure. it's true-- it's a high of negative 35 today, so please guys, no streaking. your naughty bits will snap off like a kit kat. and i know, and this is true, the last flight out of antarctica was eight months ago and the next flight doesn't land for another month but there are observer ways to pass the endless darkness than drinking. there's also fighting. also, don't think about the movie "the thing." because it couldn't happen, okay. parasitic alien lifeforms don't thaw out of the ice and start absorbing people and pretending to be them. though, have you noticed clark has been acting sort of weird
lately? he's not eating. maybe he doesn't need to. maybe he feasts on human flesh. probably not. all i'm saying is, watch clark. watch him. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) don't obsess. i don't want you succumbing to "ice madness." okay? i'll tell you this, though-- i overheard clark saying he's going to steal your alcohol. there's only one way to stop him, and that's to hide it down your throat then run around naked. that way he can't absorb you. anyway, watch him. and please watch the show because we have a fantastic one this evening, okay. first, i'll be talking with
( cheers and applause ) host of the "late late show" here on cbs. so the interview will feature a special appearance by corporate synergy. ( laughter ) then i'll talk to the c.e.o. of vice, shane smith. ( cheers and applause ) grate. everybody read it. young people. they like the vice. they want the show. if you don't know what vice is, imagine if walter cronkite had a baby with johnny knoxville and then raised it in syria. we'll also have a performance from a great young singer- songwriter, halsey. you like her. >> stephen: yeah, she's create great. >> stephen: halsey's amazing. i also loved her work with oates-y. man eater that sound right there, regular watchers know, it's time to say hi to jon batiste and stay
( applause ) but before they hit it, one more thing: thieves in portland stole an entire delivery truck full of tofu. that's right, they stole $3 worth of tofu. ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> tonight, stephen welcomes host of "the late late show" james corden. star of "vice" shane smith. and a music performance by halsey. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
show" with stephen colbert." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. ( cheers and applause ) hey! you know, it's interesting. thank you so much, everybody. it's interesting, those guys up there were standing up. the people down here were not standing up. which is fine. any way, any way of chanting my name is still wonderful. ( laughter ) jimmy, can we get a shot so the people on the top can see the people on the bottom and vice versa. say hi to each other, everybody! hey! ( cheers and applause ) nice. and one more thing, see, now we're all friends.
now we're all friends. now we all know that we're here together because they couldn't see each other before okay. we can coordinate now. and, jim, could we show the people down here who can't see the dome what the dome looks like. nice. you guys have a beautiful view up there. view. now, you guys don't here, don't you wish you had the ( bleep ) yeah. ( laughter ) >> folks i'm so glad to be in new york city tonight. i would not be to be in washington, d.c., because washington is in chaos. all because of kevin mccarthy. this guy was supposed to replace john boehner as the speaker of the house. it was a lock, but yesterday he shocked the g.o.p. by dropping out of the race. the decision left everyone at a loss for words, especially him.
>> i think we're only going to be stronger. we fought hard to win this majority and turn this country around, and this will be a best step foot-- footstep for-- ( laughs ) i messed up. >> stephen: don't leave! i was just getting to know you. your beautiful bird-like language! ( laughter ) we have so many years ago! he looks like me without the dye job. isn't that incredible? ( laughter ) man, he looks so happy. look how happy he is. jimmy, can we see what boehner was like at his announcement when he was retiring? >> zippity doo da, zippity ay, my oh my what a wonderful day. >> stephen: there is just something about not being speaker of the house that puts a smile on your face. here we are, the top two republican leaders have walked
powerful office in america. it raises the troubling question: is the house even governable? to which mccarthy responded, "i don't know. sometimes you have to hit rock bottom." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i want to point out, that's usually what you say to addicts. ( laughter ) what are they smoking in there? are they freebasing anger? i know they've been getting high on the white stuff themselves. for a long time. ( cheers and applause ) you cannot-- you cannot tell us apart. why am i mocking them? and the people hitting the rage pipe the hardest are 40 guys who call themselves the house freedom caucus. and they have a simple goal. >> they're going to shut down the entire congress and threaten to shut down the entire country if they don't get 100% of what they want. >> pretty much everything john
boehner tried to do that would even hint at a compromise with the white house, these 35 or 40 would automatically vote against it. >> there are people who are interested in governing and there are people who are interested in grand standing and happy to watch it all burn down. >> some men just want to watch the world burn. >> stephen: okay, i'm sorry. that's not entirely fair. ( applause ) that last clip was actually referring to the joker and not the freedom caucus, though this-- is their plan for obamacare. ( laughter ) ( applause )
and whoever ends up as speaker will have the crippling honor to deal with these guys. i'm sure someone is jumping at the opportunity. let's ask congressman trey gowdy! >> do you want the job? >> no! >> does anybody? >> we'll find out. >> stephen: okay, that's three down, 432 to go. but there could be a republican hero waiting in the wings. >> all eyes are on one man named paul ryan. >> the outgoing speaker john boehner and other republicans are scrambling, trying to convince former vice presidential candidate paul ryan to run for the job. >> stephen: paul ryan is the perfect choice for speaker, except for just one drawback: he doesn't want the job. why not? well, as one of his friends told reporters, "because he's not a ( bleep ) moron."
my god! ( cheers and applause ) well, if that's the standard, then congress is loaded with qualified candidates. ( laughter ) this, this is an unprecedented situation. right now, washington is crawling with calculating politicians making backroom deals to not be in power. it's like "house of cards" in reverse. "oh, hello there. you know, my daddy used to say that in politics, sometimes you got to hide in the corner and hope nobody hears you fart. ( laughter ) now, with everybody running around like bullfrogs full of firecrackers, trying to figure out who will claim the seat of power, i call 'not me.' in fact, i'd hate to hear my name somehow mentioned as frontrunner because it would be a shame if i had to push myself in front of a train because that
speaker of the house." ( cheers and applause ) and because no one in the house wants to do it, some unusual have come up, this is true. people have floated newt gingrich, mitt romney, and 92-year-old bob dole. and these would be perfectly legal choices because there is nothing in the constitution that says the speaker must be an elected member of the house. we faced this kind of crisis before when we realized there was nothing in the rulebook that says a dog can't play basketball. which means soon we could be just two heartbeats away from "air force bud." we'll be right back.
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electricity. you feeling it. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: you feeling it, jon. >> jon: i'm grabbing it. >> stephen: i'm grabbing it, too, man. i'm feeling it deep. i'm filing it all over. i might have to ice it down. it's good to be fridays. we had a hard week, worked hard. have any plans this weekend? doing anything? >> stephen: yeah, i have a photo shoot. >> stephen: something candid, jon, or something the public will be allowed to see? what are you doing? >> stephen: no, thyself will be open for the public to see. >> stephen: what's the photo shoot? >> jon: it's for kate spade. >> stephen: really? ( applause ) can you hook a brother up with a handbag? >> jon: i actually can a murse. >> stephen: is that a man purse, murse? does it go over the shoulder or clutch? >> jon: they have the clutch. >> stephen: a little clutch. a. they have over the shoulderlike backpack.
please, one of each. that's a very good weekend, man. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: have a good time. have a good time. >> stephen: yes, indeed. >> stephen: it's good. it's good to spend time on the weekend unwinding, doing your own thing. we work very hard here. but all americans work hard. you guys work hard? ( cheers and applause ) americans work hard, but the qi is are we working smart. we need to work hard and smart. we need to work smard. for example, saving time combining words. that's smard. luckily, there are ways to save time and simplify your life, thanks to the good people at the internet. you go on the internet, jon? you go on the internet ever? >> jon: yeah, yeah, i get to it every now and then. >> stephen: i just got a subscription. i just got a subscription for the internet. >> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: it's cool. they have good stuff on there. there are people who put things on the internet to do ordinary tasks in simple ways.
they're called-hackers. i saw this on reddit. it's a handy way to separate egg whites using a plastic bottle. there, okay? that's a life hack. isn't that fun? that's a life hack for making egg white omelets, plus when you get to the gym, now you have a refreshing bottle of yolk. ( laughter ) somebody even posted a handy animation to help you hack your office elevator. >> want to use elevator without stopping at floors for others? once you hop on, hold the "close door" button until the door closes. continue to hold it and select the floor you were going to. and don't let go of that number, either. once the elevator starts to move, it will allow to you skip every floor. this is actually used by police to get to a floor faster, and it works. >> stephen: yes, now you can use the same life hack police use to save lives when you just want to avoid making small talk with bill from accounting. ( laughter ) and i'm so appreciative that other people out there have done this for me, we here at the "late show" want to pay it back
with a few life hacks of our own. this is "life hacked." that's one of the best ways to open a box, by the way. first off, do you have a high electric bill. are elect costs killing you? cut those costs by plugging everything in your house into a series of daisy chained power strip. now as far as the power company knows you're only using one outlet. life life. >> hacked! >> stephen: thank you. >> that was so good, kind of frightened me. next up, everybody's had this problem. after a few months your new computer starts running slowly. just free up some memory by deleting all those photos of your baby.
you don't need them. she doesn't even look like that anymore. life. >> hacked! >> stephen: tired of waiting for your pumpkin spice latte? consider this-- your name could be todd. life. >> hacked! >> stephen: have you run out of post-it notes? just grab yourself a butterfly, write a message on its wings and then tape it to the refrigerator. life. >> hacked! >> stephen: can't remember your coworker's name and are embarrassed to ask again? just start calling him on "bootylicious." when they sue you for sexual harassment, the subpoena will have their names written on the life. >> hacked! >> stephen: here's one we can all relate to. do you wish you owned a miniature pony? well, instead, just look at your full-sized horse from farther away. life.
>> hacked! >> stephen: can't get food delivered in your area? easy solution, grab an individually wrapped kraft single, slap on a stamp, and then mail it to yourself. in just two to three days you get a delicious snack delivered. life-- >> hacked! >> stephen: looking for a way to get out of a segment that has no natural ending? just stop talking. life-- >> hacked! >> stephen: we'll be right
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everybody. my first guest tonight is the host of "the "late show with david letterman" show ( band playing ) " write here on cbs. please welcome james corden. ( cheers and applause ) the late, late show the late, late show >> stephen: yeah. >> stephen: is that the first time you've walked on to your theme but not on your show? >> yes, it is. >> stephen: get used to it, man, get used to it. you're going to be on for a long time. >> as a guest. >> stephen: your show is going to run forever, man. >> i don't know about that. >> stephen: it's incredible. it's really amazing. and i'm not just blowing secondhand smoke up your ass,
the same company. they told me to. i'm not saying it because they told me to. they obviously told me to. congratulations, i love your show. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: are you having a good time? >> we're having a great time. it's lovely, it's great. >> stephen: really, lovely. that's how you describe a bouquet of flowers, really? >> that's how i see the show in many ways. >> stephen: really? a little offering here. >> a daffodil there-- >> stephen: the what. >> the gypsophelia. >> stephen: what is that? bomb. the stuff you're not sure if not. >> stephen: is it edible? >> exactly. >> stephen: does everyone in england know gardening terms? >> it's a big part of our schooling system. >> stephen: actually, that is a sincere question. you know, you're a comedian, i'm a comedian, there are a lot of things we say about british people in america for punch lines.
tell me if they're true, like bad teeth. >> yeah, there are some bad teeth knocking around. >> stephen: terrible food, except for breakfast. >> i think that used to be true, very definitely. but now, certainly in london, there's-- there's a lot-- there are some really good restaurants. but i think it used to be just a mix of just sausages and mashed potatoes, just deep fried fish or anything wrapped in pastry. ( laughter ) you grow up there, and-- >> stephen: now, speaking of all things english, you met the queen? you had a very special appointment with the queen because you were named-- what's it called-- o.b.e.. what does that stand for? >> it stands for-- it's so >> stephen: say it. >> i was made an officer of the
( cheers and applause ) come on, now, guys, guys, come on. that's-- i just-- i just want to be treated the same as everyone else, guys. don't -- >> what comes with that? do you get a badge or anything like that? >> you get a medal. you get a medal. >> stephen: you really do? >> you go to buckingham palace -- >> is it nice in there? >> yeah, it's not too shabby. >> stephen: it doesn't suck to be the queen. >> it's not as nice as it is here. there are less pictures of the queen in buckingham palace than you have of your own face in your own studio. but it's -- >> she is on the money. >> yes, she is on the the money. but yeah, you get a letter saying, "would you like--" you get a all right saying, "the prime minister put you forward for this. would you accept it if you were to be given it?" >> stephen: it's on down-low? >> yeah. it's like should i do it? should i do it?
there are so many people who deserve it more than me. my mom and dad will love it. okay, i'll do it. >> stephen: who deserves it more than you? >> every work and social worker and teacher. do you know what i mean? ( cheers and applause ) that's the truth. so, you know, like genuinely, it's, like, what do i do? >> stephen: i didn't realize that order of the british empire was given to people who provided something to society. i thought it was just for fancy people. >> no, no, it's not. >> stephen: can it go to not-fancy people? >> yes, service to charity, education, medicine. >> stephen: what the hell did you do? >> i have no idea. ( laughter ) basically, let's be honest, be a professional for the most of his life. >> stephen: we don't have that in america. the best you can hope for in america is obama retweets you. that's our equivalent. >> but the old favorite. it's the favorite of a tweet. well done, but not quite a retweet.
the first lady retweeted, and then finally, if you're meryl streep, the prime-- the president will retweet you. >> stephen: can americans ever get this? >> well, kevin spacey-- kevin was on your show-- and he was given an honorary knighthood for his work -- >> are you a knight? >> no, oh, no. that is a much higher thing. >> stephen: it's not sir jimmy? >> no. that will be -- >> but you do have a badge? >> you get a medal. >> stephen: if you get pulled over can you flash it and go, "it's all right, officer. i'm an officer as well. be about, my young man. fetch me a cup of meade, my friend. >> friend. >> a cup of meade. >> stephen: my research says all english people drink meade. is that not true? really. >> no, you bang on, you're bang on the money. >> stephen: well, hey, there's so much more to cover about your
>> stephen: we're back with james corden. now how can you be here if you've got a show every night? do you not have a show tonight? >> we do-- we have a repeat on a fridays. we do a repeat on a fridays. >> stephen: you only do four shows a week? >> we do four a week, i know. >> stephen: grow a pair, buddy. >> i know that this is -- >> i am so jealous of you! i used to do four a week. >> well, we have a lot of other things to shoot, which we shoot on a fridays, which we do all that. no, i'm not saying that. no! we can swap if you want. ( laughter ) it's up to you. you've got to the swap the whole thing. your wage, my wage. >> stephen: i understand, i understand. >> got it, okay. no? not going to happen. >> stephen: people can just graw drawme pictures of what my family looks like now. you sing.
i did a sondheim musical. >> yes. >> stephen: and last time we were together was on the old show. we did-- what did we sing? we sang something. >> we sung, "have yourself a merry little christmas." >> stephen: it was the last show right before christmas right before you started your gig. it's a little too early to sing a christmas carol, but do you want to sing something? ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: something two guys-- two guys-- um. >> hang on. >> stephen: uh, uh. >> all right brilliant television. you-- like the wallpaper stick to the wall. like the seashore clings to the sea like you'll never get rid of your shadow steve, you'll never get rid of me let all the others fight and fuss
whatever happens, we've got ours. me and my shadow we're closer than pages that stick in a book we're closer than ripples that play in a brook strolling down the avenue wherever you find him, you'll find me just look closer than a miser or the bloodhound's to liza me and my shadow we're closer than smog when it clings to l.a. and my shadow. we're closer than jay z is to beyonce not a soul can bust this team in two we stick together like glue and when it's sleeping time ( cheers and applause ) that's when we rise we start to swing ring-a-ding-ding. happy new year. and now to repeat what i said
we're alone but far before we get finished, we'll make the town roar we'll make all the late spots and then a few more we'll wind up at jilly's right after toot's shore life is gonna be we-wow-whee! for my shadow and my. >> stephen: "the late late show," cbs, right after this! james corden! don't turn off the tv. just keep the tv on. >> just keep the tv on! >> stephen: we'll be right back! ( applause ) we're the open water paddlers. the best part about kayaking together are times like this.
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it is time to deal out-of-pocket costs. commentator: the 32-year-old head of a pharmaceutical company of a life-saving drug overnight by 5,000%. i'm announcing a detailed plan to crack down on these abuses. he may be lowering it after hillary clinton blasted him out of the water. her plan would limit
that consumers have to pay. clinton: nobody in america should have to choose between buying the medicine they need and paying their rent. i'm hillary clinton, and i approve this message. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back,"everybody. my next guest is the c.e.o. of report is called "fixing the system." >> as a national debate rages on mass incarceration, for the first time in history, the sitting president visits a federal prison and sits down with inmates, coming face to
>> there was a strong political consensus, i think to be strong on drug. >> everybody is at risk of life or life without parole. >> what happens because of that? >> injustice happens because of that. >> we let society down when we let industry commercialize people who are in prison. >> we're all paying for this. >> we think it's somehow normal for black youth or latino youth to be going through the system in this way. it's not normal. >> stephen: please welcome shane smith. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> i think it should be illegal to come and follow the funniest man next to you in the world doing a song and dance. >> stephen: we could do a show >> no.
>> stephen: as i was saying, you're the cofounder and c.e.o. of vice media, started in 1994 as a punk magazine now reaching over 200 million people a month. why do you think that young people watch your stuff? >> well, i think every generation, there's a changing of the guard in media. and i think, you know, in news, especially, you know when we started news, everyone said young people don't care about news. they don't care about international news. and in fact they do. and so we're the largest and fastest growing news platform on the web. we just said let's go out there and talk to the president and what's really going on. >> stephen: do the old media companies ever come to you and say how do you do this? how do you get people to care? >> all the old media companies want to buy-- i'm not a sellout yet. ( applause ). >> stephen: but you're in the market. ( cheers and applause ) >> i still-- i still-- i still
look, you know, the thing is, is everybody's looking at us because we're hot and we're new media. we're new media, not old. and we have the demo that everybody wants, which is millennials, and, you know, we're just trying to do what we're trying to do. >> stephen: you've done reports from north korea, iraq, sudan, libya, afghanistan. when you see some part of the world dissolving into chaos, how long governor life you start looking plane tickets. do you say there's a story here on the ground, let's meet the people before the story happens? >> generally, we're there already. when you look at syria. syria didn't just happen. syria has been happening the last three, four years. we have before, we have during, we have after. we try to not follow a news cycle. the story continues. obviously, when we emed abouted with isis -- >> how do you do that? how do you get off a plane and say, "we're looking for isis, please. is there-- i'm sorry, what g.p.s. do i put in?"
how do you get someone to bring you to isis? what's the question you ask. >> well, we asked them. we had a palestinian filmmaker who had done stuff with the palestines and we said we'd like to show the caliphate, show the state. and we just pressed "record" and put it up there. and, you know, it was-- we were the only ones to do it to date. and we're going to try to go back and show it again. but because we're nonpolitical and we just say, "hey, wire going to just go what's showing on," they let us go. >> stephen: you say you want your stories to punch people in the face. >> yeah. >> stephen: doing these stories, have you been punched in the face? >> yes, i have been. >> stephen: so you're just paying it forward. >> i'm paying it forward, yeah. i want people to pay the same price that i pay. >> stephen: let's talk about fixing the system. it's about the incarceration system in the united states. what do you think is broken about it? or what did you find out in your reporting? >> everything. i mean, it starts in policing,
which we've seen in ferguson, baltimore. so we talk to the police. the police admit it's broken. we go to sentencing and we talk to the judges, and they admit it's broken. prosecutors, they admit it's broken. the attorney general admits it's broken. the president admits it's broken. everybody does. and the problem is the war on drugs started, and, you know, we have now 56% of prisoners are drug offenders or nonviolent drug offenders. so more-- like robbery, murder, rape, arson-- all the traditional stuff, more than all that combined is nonviolent drug offenders. so we looked at somewhat subset and said how do we stop this system of mass incarceration? >> stephen: how many people are in jail right now in the united states? >> 2.3 million. >> stephen: 2. the 3 million. >> yes. we have 5% of the world's population. 5% of the world's inmates. we're the number one incarceration country in the world. >> stephen: you got the president of the united states to sit down for this and come to
a federal prison. >> for the first time ever. >> stephen: no president had ever been to a federal prison before. >> no. >> stephen: was he shocked by what he learned? or did he already know what you were reporting? >> i think we were both shocked. i think-- he knows-- i mean, this is a very personal issue for him. there's a little bit of "there but for the grace of god go i" which we get into in the documentary with him and attorney general holder. yeah i think we don't really, realize the extent of the problem. people serving 30, 40, 50 years, life sentences for nonviolent drug offenses, for drug offenses that will not be illegal very soon as states adopt legalize ago. >> stephen: yeah, in colorado and washington state. in washington, d.c., in fact. recreational use of marijuana is legal. what do you do with that enormous population of people who went to jail for minor drug offense? >> somebody in the 70s gets, you know, dinged for pot, and
then they're still in prison 30 years later. >> stephen: what's the answer? let them go? yeah, i mean -- >> what will that do to msnbc's ratings on the weekend? no more lock-up. they've got no programming anymore. ( applause ). >> i think if you look at the subset we're talking about and you basically half those prisoners are nonviolent drug offenders. so i think they have to go back ask they have to look at these sentences, 30, 40, 50 years, life sentences. >> stephen: did you ever go to jail? >> well, i've been to this jail for this documentary. >> stephen: did you ever go to jail? >> i'm going to plead the fifth on that one. >> stephen: well, i'll have my research department get on it. ( laughter ) shane, thank you so much for being here. shane smith. his vice special is called "fixing the system," now available on hbo. we'll be right back. ( applause )
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