tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
deal with 38 and 37 this week! >> it's pretty rough! >> it's awful! [ laughter ] >> i don't know how we'll deal. >> thanks, eric! >> colbert is next! >> thanks for joining us tonight! >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: thank you, everybody! captioning sponsored by cbs thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) thank you! thank you! >> stiffen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, sir. thank you. boom!
boom! welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) you can feel it. >> jon: it's hot. you can feel it. you can feel it! >> stephen: thank you, so much. thanks, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. welcome to "the late show." thank you so much. thank you. i'm not sure, i think we might be serving alcohol to the balcony tonight. i'm not entirely sure. you can feel the excitement in the air right now, can't you, jon? >> jon: oh, man. it's intense. >> stephen: and we all know why everybody is excited because
the iowa caucus, and i have election fever. i think that's what it is. every time i think about the candidates, i get a little queasy. i think it's a fever. and with time running out, all the candidates are cranking out the ads. donald trump has a new one. so now you can hear about trump during
commercials-- the last part of t.v. that wasn't about him before. and one ad that really caught my attention is this one from bernie sanders. take a look. we'll marry our fortunes together. i've got some real estate here in my bank. counting the cars on the new jersey turnpike. we've all come to look for america
all come to look for america ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: tune him up! tune him up! >> stephen: that is a blatant attempt to manipulate our emotions. (choking up) and it worked! you can't go wrong with simon and garfunkel. they have the great lyrics. they've all come to look for america. which is in stark contrast with
donald trump's message on immigration: >> they've all come to look for america! get out! the call's coming from inside america! get out. senator sanders is looking to mobilize a new generation of voters, and nothing says youth vote like a song from 1965. ( laughter ) and no matter what your political leaning, you've got to love that song.
of us together. i mean, obviously, all of us but garfunkel. don't even try. but paul simon's got a huge catalog of immortal songs. his music, i think, could work for any candidate. see governor chris christie put out an ad with "bridge over troubled waters." ( cheers and applause ) martin o'malley isn't getting a lot of news coverage these days. "the sound of silence" would be fitting. you got rand paul, who's polling below 2%, probably "homeward bound." and donald trump? i'm going to say, "diamonds on the soles of his shoes." no, wait. how about "fifty ways to leave your lover."
"still crazy after all these years?" >> jon: that's a good one. >> stephen: one of those. definitely not "me and julio down by the school yard. candidates. this is the home stretch. we've got a great show for you tonight here in the ed sullivan my first guest is tony- and emmy-winning actor laurence fishburne. a really big guy. you know him from many things, including "the matrix,," of course. he's very famous for that. i'm going to offer him a red pill and a blue pill. and no matter which one he takes, he'll enjoy it, because they're both skittles. ( laughter ) then from the american museum of natural history, i'll sit down with dr. michael novacek. he's here to talk about their new dinosaur display: the
ever found. but you know what they say: ( cheers and applause ) but you whan what they say-- it's not the size. it's how you display it. then we'll have a performance by the band lake street dive. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: magnificent. they're doing a song off their upcoming album "side pony." never let your main pony find out about your side pony. ( laughter ) ( band playing ) oh, hey! i love that sound. that is the tink ling joy of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! they are about to make the jump to jazzerspace, but before they
scientists at the university of tokyo have grown a functioning human ear on the back of a rat. but before you say, "that's disgusting," remember, it can hear you! >> tonight, stephen welcomes laurence fishburne. paleontologist dr. michael novacek. plus a musical performance by lake street dive. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late
( cheers and applause ) trail-off. that's very nice, jon. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: as i said, we're we were talking before, you can feel the energy in the room. you can feel the wave of popular interest in this election rising behind you, because we are only six days away from the voting in iowa, which means this is the last week cbs will let me say "caucus" on the air. ( laughter ) caucus. ( laughter ) i'm a child. and last night in des moines, the democrats did something we rarely see anymore-- them on a week night. and it wasn't some boring
it was a town hall. and in front of the average working iowanians, they each made a great case why the next president of the united states should be, really, any one of them. >> i like hillary clinton, and i respect hillary clinton. >> i obviously respect senator sanders greatly. >> i'm honored to be able to offer my candidacy in the company of secretary clinton and senator sanders. >> hillary clinton is a very good person. martin o'malley is a very decent guy. >> stephen: wow. ( laughter ) get a room, guys. ( laughter ) they are really trying to get every last vote, including each other's. and they weren't the only ones being ruthlessly nice. the audience of iowa voters who were there to ask the tough questions, didn't show up. but these friendly folks did. >> i think you've introduced a lot of programs that could help a lot of people.
how do we fund those programs? >> good. >> i'd like to know what issue you think should be most important to young voters and why. >> thank you. great question. >> madam secretary, before i ask my question, i have a quick comment, and that is that i was a lukewarm person for you before the benghazi hearings. i watched all 11 hours, every second of it, and came away from that a gung ho supporter of yours. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you. >> stephen: he did eventually get to his question, which was, "secretary clinton, why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, the thing about town halls is there's no conflict, and you don't really learn anything new. but i think it's great. because it is nice to see them get out from behind their podiums. it really humanizes them. i would love to try to make
you, sir. you're raising your hand. did you have a question? >> yes, stephen. i'm an e.m.t. from cedar rapids. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> i was just wondering, are you also willing to take questions from your audience? >> stephen: that's a great question from you, a true hero. thank you. it's an honor to answer your question. and make no mistake, i am answering a question right now. and i want everyone here to know that i have the vision and leadership to take further questions. beard? is that what you have? yes, you. >> hi, stephen -- >> yes, it's very hard to talk with a beard that fuzzy. i understand. you have a question? or perhaps your beard has a question? i'm a netflix subscriber from
do you think martin o'malley was asked any unfair questions? and do you have any jokes about it? >> stephen: thank you very much. that's a perfect question and i love you, and right now i want to crawl inside your beard and live in it like a trembling little bird. i do remember the unfair question that was requested by chris cuomo of martin o'malley. >> as you know, there is a 15% rule in a lot of these caucuses, so if you don't have 15% of the caucuses in that room, those men and women have to go to a different candidate. so if you don't have that, and your followers now have to go somewhere else, the people that support you, what is your suggestion to them? >> stephen: i think that question is way out of line. chris cuomo why not just ask marredin o'malley, "after you die, can i have your 10-speed bike." thank you for your question.
words "thank you" as you sit down. you ma'am, right over there. >> thanks, stephen. i'm a part-time c.e.o., full-time mom, currently serving in afghanistan. >> stephen: thank you for your service. what's your question? >> do you have a clip of hillary clinton that you'd like an up? >> stephen: that is the greatest question ever asked. if i was making a clone army of philosophers, i would use you as my baseline d.n.a. this hillary clip, we have all seen bernie sanders' inspirational america ad, haven't we. last night, cnn made sure hillary saw it, too? too. >> i think that's great. i think that's fabulous. i loved it. ( applause ) >> stephen: that is tough.
smile through her opponent's ad. but i think they really went too far when they made her watch the entire benghazi movie. >> pull over for inspection. >> i'm sorry, circ i can't do that. >> we have a u.s. ambassador at risk. >> we are the only help they have. >> i think that's great. i think that's fabulous. i loved it. ( applause ) >> stephen: that is the best review a michael bay film has ever received. yes, yes, the young lady with the bangs there. >> hello, stephen. i'm a professional audience plant from des moines. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> thank you. i do have a question. i brought my own footage. jimmy, can you roll that? here's martin o'malley taking off his jacket, rolling up his sleeves, and loosening his tie. why would he do that? >> here's what happens.
just spontaneously go casual, all right. ( cheers and applause ) it makes them see more relatable or hard working. sometimes they'll even-- they'll even roll up a sleeve like this, or maybe put their foot up in a position that no one would normally stand in. and then. ( cheers and applause ) just roll up his sleeves. ( cheers and applause ) this is-- it lets-- it lets the audience know-- lets the audience know that they're just ordinary folk, ready to get to work, who have not skipped leg day. then maybe they'll just take a beer and crack it open and-- mmm! that is domestic. ( laughter ) yes. sir, right there. you look like you have a
>> yes. i didn't watch last night's town hall. so do you have anything to say about that dog that ran a marathon? >> stephen: yes, that's an issue that's affecting a lot of people's facebook feeds this morning. let me tell you what happened. it's a true story. in alabama, a bloodhound named ludivine was let out on a pee break, but it got out of the yard and ran a half marathon and finished 7th. it's a true story. it's a story of hope. it's a story that reminds me of the time i tried to go to the gym and ended up making a mistake and winning best in breed at the westminster dog show. ( cheers and applause ) yes, we have time for one last question. the tall african american gentleman in the back of the room. >> hey!
>> stephen! thank you. thank you. mr. colbert, i'm an actor from hollywood, california. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> thank you. i'm wondering, my question is, what do you have planned for the rest of the show tonight? >> stephen: that's an incredible question. you're an amazing person. i will tell you what i intend to do. i intend to be right back with laurence fishburne. stick around, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) the more you move the more you sweat degree's motionsense technology
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welcome back. my first guest is a tony- and emmy-winning actor now starring in "black-ish" on abc. >> sound like money trouble and no wonder the way you two spend-- the latest jeans, mail-order, high-top sneaker boot tennis shoes. when i was growing up all you needed was black leather pants and a denim shirt. that's yi moved to l.a. >> you moved to l.a. because of that hit and run. >> this is not about me! >> stephen: please welcome laurence fishburne! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. >> yes! >> stephen: i like the bow to the audience of respect before we get started. >> reverence for the audience, man. >> stephen: you've got to. i noticed tonight so many people in the audience were really, physically attractive people, did you notice that? >> they were, gorgeous people.
and well spoken, too. >> indeed. >> stephen: congratulations on "black-ish." >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: when we will get to in just a moment. >> sure. >> stephen: but you've got an amazing history in hollywood. you started-- you were in "apocalypse now"-- >> 14. >> stephen: 14 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have to lie to get in the movie because you played a soldier. >> i lied but they didn't believe me. they knew how old i was but they just kind of thought, "oh, yeah, he's the guy." >> stephen: how long did it take to make the movie? >> two years. >> stephen: so you weren't even 18 when it was over. >> no, when it came out, i turned 17 the year it came out, '79. >> stephen: so you've been working in movies and tv since you were 14 years old. there's a lot of talk about diversity in hollywood right now. >> yeah, sure. >> do you think it'sgotten better or worse. >> it's gotten better. >> stephen: it's gotten better. >> it's gotten better. we still have a lot of work to do but it's gotten better. >> stephen: what do you think of the oscar controversy, fact people aren't getting nominated? >> it's a very, very complicated thing.
wait to see how chris rock handles it as the host of the oscars. that's what i'm looking forward to. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, the show is called "black-ish." >> "black-ish." >> stephen: you can explain that title to me? is there a difference in being black and being blackish? that's a level of nuance i'm not entirely sure of. >> as the white man in this situation, steve -- >> i'm the white man in almost every situation. >> in every situation. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: yes, what i talk about diversity, i realize it is the pot calling the kettle white. >> it's like, you're in the position of authority. so i don't know. you tell me. >> stephen: am i in a position of authority? >> absolutely. >> stephen: because i'm sitting at this desk. >> indeed! >> stephen: well, here's the thing. i like the show. i don't think i'm black. is there a chance i'm blackish? >> definitely. >> stephen: really! >> definitely. look at your band. look at your band. >> stephen: really?
>> your band makes you blackish. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, jon. i didn't realize-- i didn't realize you could get a contact black. >> truly! one drop, baby. one drop. >> stephen: oh, sure, sure, back in the day. >> back in the day, one drop. >> stephen: warren g. harding. now, you play-- you play-- this is surprising to me. because we're-- we're essentially the same age. >> yes. >> stephen: but you play a grandfather. >> i play grandpa. >> stephen: how do you feel about playing a grandfather. >> i love it. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: does he have to be a sexy grandpa or something like that? >> no, listen, listen, i am not 35. and i'm not going to try to pretend that i'm 35. i am 50-something years old. i'm happy! i love being this age! i mean -- >> do you remember your grandfather? >> yes, i do! >> stephen: and are you kind
this is a totally new grandfather? >> no, i'm doing whatever i'm doing, and i'm bringing all of my years of experience and the experience that i have with guys that were older than me, because cats. so i'm just bringing, you know, my life and my stuff. grandpa eligible. i mean, i could have grandchildren. >> stephen: i am sure. if you know how babies are made. >> you know what i'm saying? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm sure-- i'm sure-- i'm sure it was in the cards. >> i am digging where i am at in terms of my age. i'm trying to age as gracefully as possible, and stepping into this -- >> you're pulling it off very well. >> they say 50s are the age of elegance, so i'm just trying to be an elegant man. i'm just trying. >> stephen: i was not preeppedz for my elegance to be so pair shaped. ( laughter ) so, yes, very nice. very nice. you know what i like, twice--
love to be able to get away with that i can't. >> tell me, tell me. >> stephen: and i think it's because i haven't embraced my blackish. you say the, cat, unironically you said cat, and dig it. >> dig that. >> stephen: daddy-o, can i dig that. >> daddy-o, not only that-- when you do it, you will be so cool, that you will be straight from the fridge. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i need to learn some more. i need to learn some more from you. you can stick around a little bit? we'll be right back with a little more blackish from laurence fishburne.
here we go. ah man, who invited these guys? hey clay, it's cool if we order some delivery? it' s time for you guys to make the right call. we're having digiorno pizza, tfresh-baked in my own oven. t okay. it' s not delivery, it' s digiorno. this is a cell tower from one of those major carriers. straight talk wireless uses the same cell towers they do. but we don't build or maintain them. so we can offer you the same great, nationwide coverage for half the cost! out here... ...and here... and here. well, not here. that would be weird. the world needs more straight talk. best phones. best networks. half the cost. get a samsung galaxy s6 or bring your own phone. unlimited talk, text and data is just $45 a month.
bargain of america and you do your part, you should be able to get ahead and stay ahead. but so many families don't feel that's not the way america is supposed to operate. i want to go to bat for them every single day. get incomes rising... get equal pay for women... cut the cost of health caret and child care so people canr actually get ahead. hillary clinton, she has what it takes to get things done. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want you back here every night for my preshow warm-up. >> yeah, man. >> stephen: i need a little bit more of the blackish. a little less of the white-oid. i think so. can i ask you something about your family name. >> yes. >> stephen: fishburne, that's kind of an unusual namely name. that's not actually my real name. my real name is kantrowitz. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, they call me fishburne because
i like to burn fish. >> stephen: so it's a nickname? you burn fish. >> you've played the dozens before. >> stephen: i know what it is. >> the dozens. >> stephen: i've heard of it. i know what that is. >> it's that.
burns!" ( cheers and applause ) you ready to burn some fish, stephen? >> stephen: please, let's
do it. sure, let's do it. >> hey fish, how's it feel to be the part of the mermaid no one likes? >> oh mama, that's a fish burn! >> stephen: that is cold. >> betafish, i bet you never laid-a-fish. >> stephen: i can try? okay. hey, yellow perch, you know where i perch? on your mom! >> burn, comma, fish! >> stephen: this is good. this is fun. small mouth bass? small penis bass! >> one fish, two fish, red fish, burn fish! what? no one's diggin' you.
that's a clam slam! >> oh! oh! hey, grouper, you're so ugly that when you're on the menu, people order chips and chips! >> what time is it? it's fish burn o'clock! >> stephen: wow, we really said some terrible things to fish there, laurence. do you ever feel bad about that? >> no, no, stephen because they've got it coming. they've got it coming. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> my pleasure. "black-ish" airs wednesdays at 9:30 on abc. the great laurence fishburne, everybody.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. you know, i don't know about you guys, but i love to do the internet because there are so many great things you can learn out there, sp some of the best ones are these things called life hacks. they're clever little shortcuts on daily tasks that can save you a ton of time. for instance, here's a clever way you can turn a bag of cheetos into a bowl of cheetos.
it's that simple. it's convenient and makes you feel like you registered for wedding gifts at a gas station. ( laughter ) or this is an actual one from savvy travel hacker justin roz lee. >> here's a way to make sure that your bags are never lost. you go to target, and you buy a starter pistol. so when you're checking in, you tell the check-in lady, "i'm declaring a firearm in my bag." they don't know if you have an ak-47 that's legally purchased and registered or a starter pistol. it doesn't matter. it's handled the same way. >> stephen: yes, you'll be able to locate your bag, and when t.s.a. hauls you off the plane for a cavity search, i promise, they will locate your sack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but despite-- they're very thorough. they're very thorough. blue gloves. but despite all the clever tips and tricks out there, there are still a lot of everyday problems
this is "life hacked!" first up, do you worry about your car being stolen because it doesn't have an expensive alarm? not anymore. whenever you park it, simply set your car on fire. now if someone tries to steal your car, they'll catch on fire and the amublance's siren will act as a car alarm. life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: pretty good. are you being driven crazy by all the noise from a nearby construction site? wait until they leave for the night, then finish the building yourself! life... >> audience: hacked! ( laughter ) >> stephen: desperate for some cuddling but allergic to cats? here's a helpful tip-- maybe you're not alirnlgic to raccoons.
little pizza on your neck, and wait for your new best pal to show up. life-- >> hacked! >> stephen: losing custody of your kids during your divorce? simply dress up as a woman, become their nanny, and win back the respect of your wife, sally field. life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: someone spill red wine on your new white carpet? go to your kitchen, grab a knife, and stab them. they'll never spill again, and the blood will cover up that unsightly wine stain. life... >> audience: hacked! ( laughter ) >> stephen: want to hide your marijuana farm from police helicopters? just plant it in the shape of the words "normal farm." life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: looking for a way to get out of a bad relationship? walk slowly and silently into the ocean. don't hesitate, that's what the
life... >> audiencee: hacked! >> stephen: hosting a late night show and have to take a commercial break? jsut repeat a catchphrase to end your segment. "life..." >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: we'll be right back with paleantologist dr. mike novacek. i like your style just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) cellar door starts right here lucky shot.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a veteran dinosaur hunter who works here in new york at the american museum of natural history. he's here to introduce us to the titanosaur, the largest dinosaur ever found. please welcome dr. michael novacek. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first of all, thank you for being here. and how did you get a job like paleontologist, a job that every six-year-old wants? ( laughter ). >> a little bit of luck. some guy retired. >> stephen: really? >> at the museum. >> stephen: is it who you know in paleontology? >> no, not really. i had to compete for the job. and, you know, but there are very few jobs in this field. it's difficult to find a job,
american museum of natural history, so i was very lucky to get a job there. ( applause ) a fantastic museum. >> stephen: it's one of the jewels of new york city? >> it's an incredible place. >> stephen: tell me about the titanosaur. let's give some people a sense of the size of this animal let's see, john, you can put that up-- okay. so there's the head over there. and then there's the body that goes around. but even this is nowhere near the size of it, right? >> no, yeah, it's about four times that big or more, actually. >> stephen: because the actual titanosaur would not fit inside this theater. >> it would not. >> stephen: let's have a shot of what it would look like if it was walking down broadway. that would be the size of the titanosaur. now, where was it found? >> in argentina, a lonely place in a patagonian desert, south of buenos aires. >> stephen: this is how you found out about it. a friend of yours sent you this
>> my colleague, mark nurle, a paleontologistt museum, i woke up one morning, checked my e-mail-- i was actually out of town. he didn't say anything in the e-mail. he just sent me this photo. and i said, "wow." right away, we knew that it was about the biggest thing ever found. and i said, "well, we gotta get that, or we gotta get something of that at the museum." >> stephen: what makes the titanosaur special? >> well, titanosaurs are probably the biggest land animals that we know of, that ever lived. i mean, they're smaller, probably, than blue whales but this thing roabl weighed 70 tons. a blue whale can weigh in around 80 or 100 tons. but it's being suspended in water. these things are walking on land. >> stephen: i'd like to see those guys fight. ( laughter ) and when you find a pile of bones like this. >> yeah, this was a big pile. >> stephen: how do you know you're putting it together correctly? ( laughter ) how do you know you're not just
bones, and going,un," kind of looks like that?" how do you know the way it goes together? there's no instruction manual. >> i'd like to say that isn't a good question, but it is. >> stephen: oh, it is? >> sometimes some mistakes have been made. >> stephen: what's a famous mistake people have made? >> oh, well, at our museum, we had the wrong skull on a dinosaur for years. we realized that -- >> is this the bront sauer you're talking about. >> the brontosauer. >> stephen: when i was a kid, the bronto sauer was like the titanosaur. and then it disappeared and they said there's no such thing as a brontosauer? >> some are claiming the name is valid again and there's some argument going back and forth. it has to do with the measurement of the skull and the skeleton. and they say, oh, no, brontosauer is a valid name. but names go back and forth and a lot of people get obsessed
name a different species or same species. it's a formal term in taxonomy, in naming things that there are splitters. and the splitters any time they see something knew, they say we have a new species. and the lumpers who build their careers by bringing all those names back together. >> stephen: so are you a splitter or a lumper? ( laughter ). >> depend. depends on the situation. >> stephen: i believe you're called a waffler. does this thing have a name yet? >> it has a name. a scientific name, but i can't tell you what it is -- >> why not? >> because it's part of an unpublished manuscript that was submitted to a journal, and you cannot publish a name until it's published with a paper with a description and the illustration of the specimen. >> stephen: you can whisper it? >> no gli won't tell them what it is. i'll just act if i like it or not. you can't say anything? i'm going to say it's allen. it's call allen.
>> no clue. >> stephen: no clues? ( laughter ) wow. >> can't do it. among paleontologists. >> stephen: incredible. >> i'll be in big trouble. >> stephen: incredible. can we expect we're going to find anything bigger than that out there? is it this? have we reached the limit? can you do the math and say crawl around. >> we know something is bigger than this. something older. >> stephen: the daddy. >> we just haven't found it. there probably is something bigger out there, and there's a lot of competition-- my dinosaur's bigger than your dinosaur. >> stephen: yeah, there's a lot of that in the rock locker room, there sure is. are we ever going to be able to clone these guys. >> no. >> stephen: are you sure? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if we could, do you think we should? >> well, it would be kind of interesting to see. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it would be a blockbuster.
>> it could be an interesting experiment or the end of all humankind. i mean -- >> either way, pretty interesting. >> pretty interesting. that's what science is all about. but it's technologically impossible to do that right now. >> stephen: presently. >> presently. >> stephen: okay, well, that's comforting. well, doctor, thank you so much for being here. >> it's my pleasure. >> stephen: pleasure to meet you. dr. michael novacek, ladies and gentlemen! the titanosaur is now on display at the american museum of natural history. we'll be right back. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. "beth" by kiss beth, i hear you calling... but i can't come home right now... me and the boys are playing...
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