tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. it's a packed house. super energetic crowd tonight. super packed house. people are very excited about the election, right? me too, me too. how are you doing jon, feeling good. >> jon: feeling good. we're doing it. >> stephi jacket. you look like barney from the waist up. up. >> jon: i used to watch barney when i was a kid. you know, i used to check him out. ? i love you you love me ? >> stephen: i do not know what you are talking about. one of us is slightly older than the other, and i would like to not dwell on it if you don't mind. well, i've got to start tonight with some shocking news. there's a huge scandal out there that does not involve donald
i know. i know. i had the same reaction. instead, it involves future former president barack obama. remember a few months ago when he got iran to release four american prisoners? well, it turns out, he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. because as the prisoners were freed, turns out $400 million was flown to iran on a plane loaded with cash. don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? you don't know who gets the armrest. it's incredible. and now, a lot of people are saying it sounds like ransom, because they know what the word "ransom" means. ( laughter ) but the administration is denying any connection between the money and the prisoner release, claiming that the timing is coincidental.
prisoners, but my plane is already full of cash. hey!" why don't we do the the... ( laughter ) so it's great the prisoners came home, but this does not look good for the obama administration. and i am going to keep talking about this story, or my name's not stephen colbert, and my isn't 160 plus 257. ( cheers and applause ) okay. okay. what else is in the news? have you heard of this donald trump guy? very interesting guy. people talk about him a lot. today on coffee joe morning, and the funky bunch, coffee joe
policy expert on the international level went to advise donald trump, and three times he asked about the use of nuclear weapons. three times he asked, at one point, "if we have them, why can't we use them?" >> stephen: ooh, i know that one! ( applause ) ching-ching. aarrgghh! time passes. yes, i followed his orders and dropped the bomb. "okay, right up there, the thing with the rope and the noose? okay, i'll go." ( laughter )
( laughter ) and i can really picture donald trump at that national security meeting: "i know there are probably reasons not to use nuclear weapons. i can't think of one, but i'm open to hearing them. meatloaf, your thoughts?" arsenio hall, should i bomb gary busey? now, this caps off a week in which trump attacked a gold star family, seemed happy about getting a purple heart as a gift because it "was much easier than earning one," and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. and i've been out here for five minutes, so i'm going to say five-gallon can of van kamp's pork and beans. he makes more gaffes than i can keep up with. it's like "i love lucy" in the
with trump, the brown stuff ain't chocolate. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. ( cheers ) thank you. thank you. peabody, please. now, things have gotten so bad that trump's allies are plotting an intervention. an intervention. and the first step to recovery is admitting that you're the problem." i'm guessing-- and this is just wishful thinking-- but senior g.o.p. officials are exploring options if trump drops out. in fact, top republicans have been seen standing outside mitt romney's house holding boom boxes.
ryan might have a replacement. because on monday, paul ryan re-tweeted a poll that said, harambe the gorilla is polling nationally at 5%, adding the comment, "one in 20 want to see harambe in the oval office." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's a bold choice. only obstacle i can foresee is that he's a gorilla, and he's dead. now please say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause )
now just over there a second ago i was saying that desperate republicans are looking to replace donald trump at the top of the ticket. but realistically, who could they turn to? whoever they pick would have to be hawkish on national defense, friendly to wall street, and is despised by liberals. yeah, okay. yeah, okay. ( applause ) admittedly ( cheers and applause ) she fits the bill, but she's spoken for. speaking of which, trump's got a new nickname for this woman. >> why did hillary get rid of her middle name? huh? hillary? no, but why did she get rid of it, hillary "rotten" clinton. "rotten" clinton. hillary "rotten" clinton. maybe that's why. it's too close.
( laughter ) ( applause ) by which i mean, sleep at nigh ( applause ) ( cheers ) ? ? ? hillary rotten clinton. and several top republicans, like congressman richard hanna and g.o.p. fundraiser meg whitman have just announced they're going to vote for hillary clinton. so it's clear the g.o.p. establishment is not pleased donald trump, but on the other hand, he can't stand them either. for instance, senator mccain has promised that he will support the republican nominee, despite trump saying this: >> he's not a war hero. he was a war hero because he was captured. i like people that weren't captured. ( booing ). >> stephen: i know, but it really brings you back to a simpler time... when that statement was shocking.
despite that, mccain endorsed trump. but despite that, yesterday, trump said this: >> i've never been there with john mccain because i've always felt that he should have done a much better job for the vets. he has not done a good job for the vets." >> stephen: oh, my lord, that is below the belt. which isn't hard, because at 79, mccain's belt suparound h armpits. i'm going to get you. come here, come here, mister! come here! now-- his belt is up around where a prom dress sits. now, paul ryan was slower to endorse donald trump than most. back in may, he said" >> i'm just not ready to do that at this point. i'm not there right now. >> stephen: yes, he wasn't there he was in his happy place, fantasizing about president harambe.
but, eventually, ryan did throw his support behind trump and then threw up a little in his mouth. but, yesterday trump rewarded that endorsement with a ringing nut punch saying, "i like paul, but i'm just not quite there yet. i'm not quite there yet." ouch! oh! working the boys like a speed bag down there. using paul ryan's o that's a great way to take down your political opponent, which for trump, is now everyone. here for some in-depth analysis on trump's childish laughing out at his own party, please welcome trump campaign senior junior strategist, timmy jenkins. ( cheers and applause ) timmy. timmy. as always, timmy, thank you for joining us. >> your pleasure, stephen cold-sore.
one pass. now, you are the mastermind behind donald trump's campaign strategy, correct? >> that's right. during the primaries, i was the brains behind those powerful nicknames: "lyin' ted," "little marco," "booby jindal." >> stephen: "booby jindal?" i never heard that one. >> yeah, he dropped out before we could use it. biggest regret of the campaign. but i'm excited now for latest invention: switching from "crooked hillary" to hillary "rotten" clinton. >> stephen: that was you? >> yeah. it works on so many levels. >> stephen: it actually only works on one level, timmy. calling your opponents names is one thing, but throwing paul ryan's own words back in his face? doesn't a presidential candidate have to be more mature than that? >> doesn't a presidential candidate have to be more mature than that? ( laughter ) >> stephen: timmy, please. i'm trying to have a serious conversation. >> i'm trying to have a serious conversation. >> stephen: stop it!
>> stephen: i'm a big dork! >> now, why would you say that ( laughter ) have some self-respect, stephen cold-balls. >> stephen: timmy, seriously. okay, the last four or five days have been the roughest i can recall for any presidential candidate. trump is down in the polls, party leaders are discussing replacements, reports are that morale within the campaign is plummeting. doesn't any of that make you question whether your bullying strategy is working? >> doesn't your face make you question whether your butt is working, stephen cold-balls? >> stephen: you already used that one. >> okay, listen, i know. we node to talk for a second, man-to-fartknocker? >> stephen: go ahead, sure. >> i'm in over my head, man. i thought this would be fun, you
destroy the g.o.p., maybe ban an entire religion from the country. but trump's out of control. >> stephen: wait, timmy, what are you saying? >> that guy is too childish to be president. i'm voting for hillary! cooties be damned! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: timmy jenkins, everybody. wow! >> i'm with her, butt-lickers! >> stephen: we'll be right back with john cena. stick around. the ford freedom sales event is on! our biggest event of the year just got better! ? i'm free to do what i want and have a good time. ? announcing zero for seventy-two across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. so hurry in for 0% financing for 72 months. that's freedom from interest... and freedom to choose with ford. america's best selling brand. ? i'm free, baby! ? now get 0% financing
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now he's getting ready for w.w.e.'s summerslam. please welcome, john cena! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> all right! ( cheers ) big crowd. excited crowd. >> stephen: very excited to see you. was that your music they played when you came out here? >> that was. >> stephen: that's your entrance music? >> you're hired. you guys did it better than-- >> jon: we're already-- >> they're already working? that's cool. >> stephen: maybe on the weekends. i love that suit, man. >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: that's, like--
reason? >> well, this is the color of our brand new w.w.e. program on the u.s.a. network, "smack down live." >> stephen: it's blue, that is the color, that blue? >> it is this blue but it serves a guy my age 39 years old, every once in a while can still blue himself. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i have not-- i have not done enough y unfortunately. that's a nice suit but i'll tell you what else i like. you have a really nice suit on here. this is "teen choice awards." this is you as hillary clinton at the "teen choice awards" right there. that's a really good-- that's a really good look. yeah, yeah. she should think about it, yeah. i should stop thinking about it. ( laughter ) now, obviously, you probably don't talk about politics a lot, but i have to ask you one question-- donald trump seems
figger. do you think he would do well in the world of wrestling? >> stephen, do i! donald trump is a w.w.e. hall of famer. >> stephen: what? >> w.w.e. is made for a guy like donald trump. donald trump has been to wrestlemania and shaved my boss' head. >> stephen: really. >> so, guys, this is all my fault. >> stephen: wait a second. is there any chance this entire campaign is scrimented and you know ho ( cheers and applause ) >> no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: okay, summerslam 2016, what can we expect? >> you can expect everything. for those people who don't worry w.w.e.-- and there are only one or two of you out there, i thank the rest of you. the rest of you are in for a hell of a show. if you don't know, it's the best live production you can possibly imagine. we take the drama and excitement
rock concert, and we kind of roll it into this one big ball and send it out to the w.w.e. universe live at w.w.e. network. at summerslam it's basically our season finale. if you watch "game of thrones" you always watch the whole thing to gear up for the finale. >> stephen: you got any dragons? do you go buck naked or anything like that? >> so i tried both of those. ( laughter ) the dragons and being naked at the same time... a poor management decision, my friend. >> stephen: who are you fighting? >> a guy named a.j. styles. >> stephen: a.j. styles you'll take him with one hand tied behind your back. >> please don't say that. >> stephen: no, you're going to take him-- is he good? i've never heard of him. ( applause ) is he good? >> he's very good. >> stephen: he's very good. >> he's very good. >> stephen: have you fought him before? >> i have.
>>-- i-- finished second. >> stephen: oh, wow, oh, wow. could i ask you about your-- about your-- some of your signature moves? >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: i love the attitude adjustment. >> yes. >> stephen: and what is this? what is this called that do you? >> that's called the "you can't see me," can which sets up a maneuver called the "five-knuckle shuffle." man, my life is weird. ( laughter ) >> stephen: whose idea was this. you do this right before the attitude adjustment, right? >> yes, that was a dare from my little brother and he dared me i wouldn't get it on television. >> stephen: because it's so dumb? ( laughter ) because that's what little brothers-- not me! that's what little brothers force their older brothering to do. >> i was really excited to be here tonight. >> stephen: still be. still be excited. >> quite frankly, you're being very hurtful right now. >> stephen: i apologize, i apologize. >> that's cool. i can't see you, so it's good.
dumb my eye. >> stephen: we actually have a clip of you doing it. jimmy, show the people the good stuff. >> that right there is the attitude adjustment. and wait for it. wait for it. i'm about to become invisible. hold on. there's a big build-up because there's a magic potient. and i'm invisible right there. i disappear. i disappeared. >> stephen: okay, i take it back. ( cheers a >> it actually works, but only in a w.w. wring. i actually become invisible for a few seconds. >> stephen: wow, amazing. a couple of quick questions? >> what do you bench? >> enough to let me beat a.j. styles live at summerslam on the w.w.e. network. >> stephen: all right, that's more than i can. i'll tell you that much. do you have like-- i've heard, like, the rock has a crazy amount of food he has to ingest
jacked. like, what do you do? is it all just live chickens? >> if it breathes or it's green you eat it. >> stephen: if it breathing or it's green you eat it. >> stephen: if it breathe breatd it's green it's gone bad. >> yes, if it breathe and it's green it's gone bad. >> stephen: did you have any big wrestling heroes when you were younger? as a kid i loved macho man. i loved the >> i can say who my heroes were as a kid. you brought up dwayne johnson. i think he's a hero and inspiration to myself and anybody in the w.w.e. ( applause ) thank you, a couple of rock fans here tonight. he certainly has blazed the trail for all of us. he always comes back and continues to perform year after year in the w.w.e. and has really set the precedent that we're all not just w.w. superstars. we're a little bit more.
ultrawitty stephen colbert. >> stephen: did he start you acting? is he the reason you started acting? >> have you seen any of my stuff? ( laughter ) this has all been kind of a soft open to my start in acting. i'm going to start a few years down the road. it's not exactly acting what i'm doing right now. i'm trying my best. i'm swimming with the floaties on. >> stephen: we have to take a around? >> yes. >> stephen: we'll be back with more john cena. we're going to act. ? ? ? ( applause ) gilman: go get it, marcus. go get it. ...coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1% cash back everywhere, every time. at places like the batting cages. ? [ crowd cheers ] 2% back at grocery stores and now at wholesale clubs. and 3% back on gas.
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>> stephen: this is a question that some of my producers have asked me to ask you this-- >> this isn't you asking me. >> stephen: this is not me. this is being asked through me by some of my producers. and let's just say she would like to know of all the muscles on your body, are all of them as big as... ( laughter ). >> what the -- >> are purported in certain movies they've seen? >> my goodness, man. >> stephen: again, it's not me. >> if you vacation south of the trip. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? really? >> i'm not doing any no-handed push-ups any time soon. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm so glad that in the w.w.e. we wrestle without our shirt and not without our pants. >> stephen: that is-- that is-- >> are we cool? >> stephen: yeah, we're absolutely cool. now, this is how i would answer that. ask me. >> so, stephen, i've been
know, someone asked me to ask-- this isn't from me-- but someone-- let's just say she-- asked me your muscles are so enormous, are-- are all your muscles big? >> stephen: oh, i've got a huge ( bleep ). ( cheers and applause ). >> and that's why you're behind the desk and i'm in the chair! >> stephen: no one's going to fact check you. okay, okay. now, let's get back to wrestling here for a second. you e me-- >> man, this is awesome. >> stephen: only cbs. ( laughter ) now, explain-- explain to me-- you can explain this to me because i've watched wrestling since evidence a kid. you don't not only have to be in shape but you have to understand the physics of certain moves. how do you the the pile driver. >> you take a guy's funny bits and put them in your face and you use throanch-- what?
>> well, well, well, if it isn't stephen colbert, "the late show" dummy. >> stephen: i'm sorry about this. >> uh, who is this? >> stephen: this is-- this is butch the studio bully. i'm sorry about this. butch, i'm in the middle of an interview here, so maybe... >> >> how are you goingas dummy. i'll be waiting for you! ( laughter ) >> stephen: john, what am i going to do? he's been making my life a living hell. you know a lot about hitting people.
do you think you can get me in fighting shape? >> sure, we'll start with a few weeks of cardio, get your heart rate up, then focus on strength and resistance, adjust your diet-- >> stephen: all i have time for is a training montage. >> good enough! take my hand! ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: stephen, you gotta want it! it's got to be an eight-inch dollop. it's not going to frost itself. don't go soft on me! get back in there!
( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? >> steph ( cheers and applause ) wow, thanks, man, thanks man. i feel totally ripped and jacked. >> busting out of that suit, man. >> stephen: thanks, man, i'm really feeling it. >> if that bully ever comes back he's going to get his. hey, man, i didn't even see you there. >> you know, i couldn't wait so i'm just gog pound you now. >> stephen: well, butch, i'm ready for you. >> oh yeah?
get him, john! >> damn right, i'm going to kill your whole face. >> stephen: w.w.e. summerslam takes place on sunday, august 21 live on w.w.e. network. john cena! we'll be right back with scott eastwood. there's your beautiful baby. any day now! [crunch] you're eating doritos? really? (laughter) owww! give me that! (screaming) [baby crying] [crunch] today we're talking about automotive awards. what if i told you there was a car company that received all of these awards? one company won an award in all of these? chevy. ahhhh! chevy
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have to check with the judges, but i think that might be the fastest a guest has ever come out here. yeah. that's a new land speed record for our stage. >> that's what she said. ( laughter ) ( rim shot ). >> stephen: thank you very much. nice to meet you. let me just go a little over the c.v.. you're an actor. you model. you surf. lots of shirtless pictures of you on the intern freddie. you publicly admitted to crying during "the notebook." you fly a helicopter. are you auditioning to be the next bachelor? that's the kind of thing people make up on the resume. >> busted. "the bachelor," that's every man's dream to be on a show with 20 women competing over you? >> stephen: sure. >> that would be great. >> stephen: i, a big old
>> meat slab! no, look at this! >> stephen: this is a fantastic picture. this is you and your dad on the cover of the new "esquire." it's just hitting the stands now. >> thank you. thanks. ( applause ) >> stephen: did you live with your dad as a teenager? >> i did until i pissed him off, yeah. >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah. >> stephen: what's it like to piss this man off, because he-- he just has a look that would, like, sterilize a frog at 50 paces. ( laughter ) what was it like to get in trouble with this fella? >> it's kind of like when you see him in "gran torino" say, "get off my lawn," but with his hands around your throat. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but only because he loves you, right? >> oh, love. >> stephen: can you give me the stare? you can scare the hell-- oh, boy. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. the little head move, too. the little head move.
you?" well, now you're in "suicide squad." working with david error, who you worked on, on "fury." brutal movie to work on, i imagine. >> not like actually going to war. >> stephen: but he runs boot camps. physical and psychological torture. >> i think he likes to torture his actors. i'm not sure why i came around for a second round of torture. >> stephen: did you have to go through extensive training >> we did. he likes to put his actors through, like you said, and-- i was playing a spec -ops guy in the movie. and at one point he had us-- sleep deprivation for 72 hours. >> stephen: what! >> yeah. and then he had us sneaking around houses in the greater toronto area, and looking back
illegal. >> i'm pretty sure it is. >> stephen: was this just to make you seem tired? why do you keep somebody up for 72 hours? just give the man a toddler. you'll be tired faster than that. >> that's also good. >> stephen: did it bond you guys? did it make you feel like a team because you were all suffering at the same time? >> yeah, a lot of suffering together. >> stephen: we had margot robbie on the show and she said she has her own tattoo gun and that she was tattooing the "squad" s-k-w-a-d, on people. did she approach you about getting the squad tattoo? >> you know-- no. >> stephen: no? >> no, will and i stayed away from that. i saw wills giving the tattoos out. i said run away from that trailer. >> stephen: no tattoo for you? >> no. >> stephen: do you have any tattoos? >> no, my dad was sort of old
home one time with a tattoo and him saying, "well, why the hell did you do that?" i said, i'm not getting a tattoo. okay. >> stephen: so this is older sister? >> older and younger, actually. now what i think about it, yeah. >> stephen: did you learn to be good by watching your brothers and sisters ( bleep ) up? ( laughter ) because i think-- >> you're allowed to say that on air? >> stephen: no, i'm not allowed to say that.wh up. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you for being here for my last show. ( laughter ) i guess what i'm asking is i think younger brothers, younger brothers and srs learn to get around parents by watching how the older brothers and sisters get in trouble. >> that's true. i was very sneaky. i was very sneaky, so i got away with a lot. >> stephen: are there things
did, even now, like "i don't know how to tell them that?" >> no. no. no. not at all. >> stephen: now, you're in the few "fast and furious" coming out, "furious 8." >> i am, i am. ( applause ). >> stephen: are you a car guy? have you always loved cars? >> yeah, classic cars. i've always been a fan of classic cars. >> stephen: what was your first car? >> that's an interesting story. i actually asked my dad, i remember, when i was in for a loan. i think it was for seven or eight grand for a truck. i had a job at the time. and he said no. and so then i had-- i remember getting a deal on a '91 ford crown vic, which was for people who don't know, is an old police car. >> stephen: sure, sure, not that sexy. >> not that sexy, no. the trunk didn't close.
that was-- that was nice. you know, for dates. >> stephen: was this your first car? >> first car. >> stephen: i had a 1978 powder blue pinto. >> oh, nice, that's good. >> stephen: i got all the girls who walked by yours. scott, thanks so much for being here. it was a pleasure to meet you. good luck with the new movie. >> stephen: "suicide squad" is in theaters this friday. scott eastwood, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by the great aaron neville. stick around. ? ? ? ( applause ) you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! yeah, i'm cleaning the gutters!
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still the same refreshing bud light. with a new look. many sleep-aids have pain medicine but zzzquil is different because why would you take a pain medicine zquil: a non-habit forming sleep-aid that's not for pain, just for sleep. i sleep extremely hot. i wake up and i just feel like sticky. have the windows open, the ac on- i'd close it in the middle of the night. he'd open it in the middle of the night. it was a nightmare. my new tempur-breeze stays cool to the touch. not cold but cool. it naturally adapts to your body and somehow creates the perfect temperature for you. i feel like this was made just for me-
(vo) sleep cooler, wake more refreshed. discover the new tempur-breeze. >> stephen: here performing "be your man," from his nebu "apache," please welcome grammy winner aaron neville! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? ? ? >> ? i put her hand to my heart and said don't you feel ? how it's beating don't be afraid
she held a child in her arms ? she was the one who was weeping ? baby blue eyes the color of the sky ? so if you're lonely, and you need me ? i'll be your man i will be ? if ever troublees you ? i'll be your man ? i will be ? if you got something to go through ? need someone to hold you just take my hand ? just take my hand i'll be your man ? i'll be your man ? ? ?
? she held that cross to her skin ? and said jesus, you hear how i'm pleading ? a rose colored lens to cover up my sins ? she held her feelings within and suddenly screamed out in ? pain where have you been ? i been here all along ? so if you're lonely, and you need me ? i'll be your man ? if ever trouble comes around you ? i'll be your man i will be ? if you got something to go through ? need someone to hold you just take my hand
? i'll be your man i will be, i will be ? i'm the burning ember in your heart ? if you lose your way i'll be your fire in the dark ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? so if you're lonely, and you need me ? i'll be your man i will be ? if ever trouble comes around you ? i'll be your man i will be ? if you got something to go through
? just take my hand i'll be your man ? i'll be your man i will be ? ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: aaron neville everybody! ? i feel too young to be this old. i just want to be her mom, not her full-time job. i'm the boss of me, but sometimes i need a little help. if you or a loved one has masshealth, call commonwealth care alliance to find out about senior care options.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jamie dornan; the new star of "hamilton," javier munoz; and malcolm gladwell. now stick around for james corden and his guests, denis leary and salma hayek pinault. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ? it's the late, late show [ cheering and applause ] ?[ music ]? ladies and gentlemen, all the