tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC April 7, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am EDT
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 241, gabon! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a hot crowd. thank you guys very much. i appreciate it. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." you're here, this is it. [ cheers and applause ] that's what i'm talking about. hi. hey. fun, fun, fun. well, here's what people are talking about, you guys. a big political story. during a speech in kentucky today, senator rand paul became the second major candidate to
officially join the 2016 presidential race in addition to ted cruz. that's right. they're the only two candidates right now. [ laughter ] which means if the election were held today, hillary would still somehow win. i don't know how, but -- [ cheers and applause ] i don't know how, she's not even a candidate yet. i don't know how they do it. speaking of hillary, i read that she actually plans to travel without bill after she launches her campaign. [ laughter ] they tried reaching bill for comment, but he was busy high fiving literally everyone he knew. [ as clinton ] "i'm going to have a great summer. oh, my goodness. a whole two months, come on." that's right, rand paul is officially running. he even revealed his campaign slogan, which is, "defeat the washington machine, unleash the american dream." yeah, it's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for bowflex. [ laughter ]
defeat the machine and unleash the dream. [ laughter ] i've been defeating the -- [ laughter ] is the dream unleashed? you bet it is. that's right, "defeat the washington machine, unleash the american dream." that's a great slogan. especially if you want to cover your entire car bumper. i mean, it's the largest bumper sticker ever. that's something. super bumper? >> steve: super bumper. >> jimmy: super bumper sticker. >> steve: "defeat the washington machine --" >> jimmy: that's correct. >> steve: "-- unleash the american dream." >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: rolls off the tongue. [ laughter ] did you guys see this? there was a massive power outage in washington, d.c., today. you heard about this? did you hear about this? it affected a number of the federal buildings, including the white house. when asked when they could restore power to the white house, officials were like "2016?" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] actually, the blackout at the
white house only lasted about 10 seconds. and then obama was like, "is everyone okay? what's going on? the transmitter must have blown or something. somebody smoking in here? get out of here, everybody." some more news out of washington. i saw the cia recently tweeted, "good riddance, carrie mathison." after it was announced claire danes' character was leaving the cia in the next season of "homeland." it's a real tweet from the cia. take a look. [ laughter ] the cia tweeted that. a lot of people were surprised the cia would have such a a strong opinion about a tv character. but it turns out they actually have a long history of voicing their opinions about tv shows on twitter. for example, they tweeted, "news flash, not everybody loves raymond. in fact, it's a fairly toxic household." >> steve: wow. wow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they also tweeted, "if we wanted to see people drinking, smoking and
womanizing, we'd skip 'mad men' and hang out with the secret service. #yeahwewentthere." [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh my god. >> jimmy: hey, whoa. what are you guys doing -- >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: -- over at the tweeting offices there at the cia. finally, they tweeted, "ross didn't do anything wrong to rachel. #theywereonabreak. #bitchesbecray." [ cheers and applause ] who's doing this? >> steve: who's the tweeter? >> jimmy: guys, i want to say congrats to the duke blue devils, who defeated the wisconsin badgers last night to win the national championship. yeah, it was a tough loss for wisconsin fans, but i don't think any of them looked sadder than this guy. check it out. >> amazing, what he's been able to do with this program. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just when you thought a grown man in a teletubby costume couldn't get any sadder, that went and happened. you know he was like, "oh, great, now i look foolish." [ laughter ] of course, everyone's talking
about the new high speed action movie "furious 7." it was the number one movie at the box office this past weekend, making $143 million, which is the biggest april opening ever. everybody's talking about that, and that means it's time for "the fan and the furious." this is where we send our writer, arthur, down to rockefeller plaza, and ask people about "furious 7," and make it look like they're driving, by giving them a a steering wheel and running a a fan and a leaf blower in front of their faces. check this out. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> are you planning to see the new "furious 7" movie? >> absolutely, yeah. >> what are you most looking forward to about it? >> the driving, i love it! it's the speed! awesome! >> are you planning to see the new "furious 7" movie? >> well, i might. i might see it at the theaters or i might see it on dvd. i don't know. >> which "fast and the furious" movies have you seen? >> i can't hear what you're saying. >> which "fast and the furious"
movies have you seen? >> i still can't hear you. >> do you like the "fast and furious" movies? >> yes, i do. >> are you planning to see the new "furious 7" movie? >> yes, i think so, because i like the pretty cars on german freeways. >> jimmy: there you go. [ cheers and applause ] this is pretty amazing here, guys. i read that a go pro camera just survived a 10,000 foot fall with its footage in tact after it was accidentally kicked off a skydiver's helmet. you hear about that? meanwhile, your iphone just fell two feet into a pile of marshmallows and is now completely useless. listen to this, you guys. a new survey found that a a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. [ laughter ] they would have said more, but they had to go pick up their gold star for participating in that survey. you did it. you did a great job. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, this is pretty
impressive. i heard that a 100-year-old woman from japan recently completed a 1,500 meter freestyle swim in just one hour and 16 minutes. one of the sharks circling her was like, "does this still look good to you?" [ laughter ] "i'll wait, right? i'll wait. i'll eat tomorrow." [ laughter ] oh, yeah, a little shark humor. [ applause ] and finally, according to a new study, students who write out their class notes instead of typing them have a better understanding of the lessons. while students who pay a friend for xeroxed copies of their notes are more likely to one day host "the tonight show." so thank you again. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody! ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody, thank you so much. we have a great week of shows ahead. tomorrow night, multiple emmy award winner julia louis-dreyfus will be here. [ cheers and applause ] we love julia louis-dreyfus. >> steve: a delightful person. >> jimmy: couldn't be cooler. julia and i are going to take the whisper challenge. so stay tuned for that. i don't even know what that is. >> steve: it's whispering. >> jimmy: no, it's -- oh, i know what it is. it's that fun game we played with blake shelton, right? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: it's fun. it's where you put on headphones and play really loud, and you have to guess what the other person's whispering? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: just by reading their lips. that's good. that'll be fun. on thursday, this is what i'm talking about. madonna will be joining us thursday. [ cheers and applause ] the one and only. first time ever. we're going to go big. i'm gonna talk to her, she's going to perform and we might even do a little singing together. >> steve: really? >> jimmy: just maybe. with the roots helping out on that. you don't want to miss it.
yeah. they're going to think about it. yeah. it'll be fun to have madonna. but first we have a fantastic show tonight. he's a very funny, very talented man. we love it when he stops by. louis c.k. is here. [ cheers and applause ] louis c.k., he's great. >> steve: wonderful. >> jimmy: from nbc's hit show "chicago p.d.," the beautiful sophia bush is dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] she's always fun. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: and this is exciting here. this is -- during tonight's musical performance, we're going to find out the man or -- right? is it a male or female? no one knows really. >> steve: no one knows. >> jimmy: behind who is fancy. you heard the hit song, it's the hit song "goodbye." do we have the song here? here's the song. here's a taste of what the song is. ♪ goodbye goodbye ♪ until now, no one has seen the artist's face. no one's seen it yet. that's all about to change
tonight. who is fancy is going to reveal their identity. [ cheers and applause ] you will finally see who is fancy. >> steve: who is fancy? we'll finally see who is fancy, who is fancy. >> jimmy: you're going to see who is who is fancy. >> steve: yes. who is fancy? we'll find out. >> jimmy: guys, it's time to take a look at the stories making headlines today and weigh the good with the bad. it's time for pros and cons. here we go. ♪ pros and cons and pros and cons and pros ♪ >> jimmy: tonight we'll be taking a look at the "pros and cons" of being in space for a a year. astronaut scott kelly and a a russian cosmonaut took off on a year long mission to the international space station last week. it's the longest any american has ever been up there. so let's take a look at the pros and cons of being in space for a year. here we go. pro, it's just one year, then it's over. con, that's what obama keeps telling himself. [ laughter ] there you go. >> jimmy: pro, trying to maintain the long distance
relationship with your girlfriend. con, getting a text from her saying she needs even more space. [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: i'm in space. >> steve: literally in space, not figuratively. pro, imagine all the fun you can have in zero gravity. con, doing one of those flip things, then looking at your watch and seeing you still have 364 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes left. [ laughter ] oh, boy. >> jimmy: pro, going to the bathroom in zero gravity is no different than going on earth. con, except when you're done, you also have you to wipe the ceiling. >> steve: really? [ laughter ] that doesn't sound right. you have to wipe the ceiling? wow. >> jimmy: pro, spotting a black hole. con, realizing it's just uranus. a common mistake. [ laughter ] >> steve: the planet? the planet uranus. >> jimmy: yes, uranus, the planet. yes. >> steve: the planet. >> jimmy: common mistake. >> steve: not the thing you have to wipe. not the ceiling. >> jimmy: no, yeah. a lot of first graders make
that mistake, making that joke in school. and finally, pro, missing out on a year's worth of election coverage. con, landing on earth and hearing, "welcome home, i'm president taylor swift." [ cheers and applause ] there you go, right there. that could be a good thing. that's the pros and cons. we'll be right back with louis c.k., everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ fly into sears, #1 in appliances and home of kenmore, the most awarded brand in the industry. and hurry in for the lowest prices of the season event! save 50% off stainless steel kenmore wall ovens with sears card. get up to 20% off other kenmore appliances... plus, use your sears card and get an extra 15% off all appliances over $499. and free delivery on all appliances over $399. start your search at sears
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is a grammy and emmy award-winning writer, director and performer whose acclaimed series "louie" begins its fifth season april 9th on fx. please welcome back to the show one of the best comedians around. here is louis ck! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: nice to see you. thank you for coming back to see us. >> sure. >> jimmy: i appreciate this. >> what am i going to not do it? >> jimmy: no, you're already doing it. i appreciate you're doing it. you almost danced even for a a second.
>> did it look like i almost danced? >> jimmy: yeah. you looked like -- >> i felt a tiny impulse to dance, and i thought, "no, you don't do that." [ laughter ] i said to myself, "don't do that." >> jimmy: no, you don't do that. do you do that at weddings or anything, do you dance? like, if you go to a wedding, are you forced to dance? >> no, i'm one of those people i just go, "no." [ laughter ] everybody's like, "come on." i'm like, "no, it's not happening." i just wait until they get real sad and stop asking. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i just saw that you were in something, and please explain this to me. because it was like an insider thing for just a bunch of politicians. it was almost like a roast on mayor bill de blasio. >> oh, that's right. the mayor of new york. they asked me to do this thing where i went on stage with him, and he would say something polite about it, the subject, and i would say the bad thing. >> jimmy: that's kind of interesting. >> it was fun. well, you know, like he said we want to get -- has the goal of zero pedestrian deaths in new york city. that's our goal. and then i said, "the only way you're going to get there is if
you have zero stupid people." [ laughter ] they just walk with their phones in their face and they get killed. it used to be lions, now it's taxis. [ laughter ] it's natural selection. >> jimmy: it's natural selection. exactly. used to be lions, yeah. but this is all the people in the audience. there's a lot of important people. >> yeah, so they're all wearing tuxedos. it's a big deal, right? i mean, you can rent a tuxedo, but this is like -- >> jimmy: they own them probably. >> yeah, i think they did. they fit really well, the tuxedo. okay, so anyway, i was brought there and i was kind of a a surprise. i came out from behind a a curtain. i was taken through this whole thing by an aid, a very serious guy talking into his sleeve. and i said, "can i go to the bathroom?" and he's like, "you gotta go real quick, because the mayor's going to be waiting on stage for you." so, oh, my god. so i run to the bathroom, and i'm kind of trying to go fast, trying to pee quickly. i'm kind of pushing to get the pee out and too much pressure, and out the back, pop.
[ laughter ] just pop. yeah. and i'm -- you know. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i think i know what you're saying, yeah, yeah. >> i'm at a urinal and -- boom out the back. >> jimmy: can i ask you a dumb question? >> yeah. >> jimmy: when you're at the urinal, and -- this is personal. are you one of those guys with the pants pulled down? >> which guys do that? [ laughter ] how many of those guys are there? >> jimmy: there are guys that do that. >> at the urinal, pull down everything? >> jimmy: i think so. haven't you seen those guys? >> not in my life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, so you're half covered. >> i've just got a -- yeah, more than. i'm 99% covered. [ laughter ] i'm like as covered as an elizabethan woman with everything. one little -- >> jimmy: everything's covered except for one --yeah. >> well, it's not little. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't want to get into it. >> relative to my body. it's 4% of my body.
>> jimmy: i understand. i understand. belt's undone. >> yeah. >> jimmy: belt's undone, yeah. i didn't know, sometimes -- >> yes, i have my [ bleep ] out at the urinal. [ laughter ] [ bleep ] dammit. >> jimmy: i don't know -- >> [ bleep ] dammit. >> jimmy: i'm asking hard pressing questions. but this is crazy to me. so this whole thing goes down. what do you do? >> okay, so now, boom -- >> jimmy: you cancel. >> i've got wet underwear. [ laughter ] and there's -- the guy's waiting for me. the mayor's waiting for me. so i just kind of -- i didn't -- i couldn't do anything, i was like, "we got to go." so i follow the guy and now i'm walking -- [ laughter ] you know, like you'd have to walk. and there's people and -- oh, chuck schumer, the senator of new york. george stephanopoulos. all these people. so then they take me to this little waiting area, and then i stood there for 45 minutes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and you're currently holding? >> i'm just -- yeah, i'm standing there, and it's just sort of -- i'm kind of drying off. [ laughter ] i'm drying off for 45 minutes. >> jimmy: it's a disaster.
>> and then i stood next to the mayor of new york city and did a whole thing with poop in my pants. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know this was part of the story at all. this is -- >> this is the kind of stuff that happens. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you shouldn't -- you have to stop leaving the house or something. because i feel like you get in these situations. you get in trouble -- >> it's not my fault. >> jimmy: i know, but -- but just don't -- i don't know what to tell you. >> i should have let the pee just ease out. that's the mistake i made. >> jimmy: you should have went in cool. >> i should have been like, "it's cool, man. they'll wait." >> jimmy: or just, you know -- >> don't hurry. don't hurry in life. >> jimmy: that's true. i have something on my mind. >> are you okay? >> jimmy: well, no, i'm thinking about something. because i heard this thing backstage. they said, "louis wants to add a story. and i don't know if you remember this." and i go, "what?" and they go, "you auditioned for louis once, years ago." >> that's right. >> jimmy: and i go, "i don't remember this thing." they go, "well, have a good show." and then -- so i want to know what's -- >> you auditioned for me. i was the head writer of "the
dana carvey show," which is a a show that was on abc back in the '90s. >> jimmy: i love it. >> yeah, 7 episodes and it got cancelled. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i watched it, yeah. >> yeah. but it was a big deal at the time. dana had just come off "snl." and the writing staff was all these great guys like charlie kaufmann, who wrote oscar-winning movies. >> jimmy: smigel. >> robert smigel. everybody on the show -- steve carell was on the show. steven colbert was on the show. it was a huge show. >> jimmy: i remember this. >> yeah, so we were auditioning people to be in the cast, and you came in. and you were a young, adorable little boy. [ laughter ] i mean, he was a grown man, i'm not a creep. [ laughter ] but you came in and auditioned for us, me and all the producers were sitting in chairs. and you came in and you're playing guitar, and you had these little troll dolls and you were singing songs about troll dolls. [ laughter ]
and you would sing -- you were kind of like, "hey, okay. here's a song about troll dolls." and you're singing and then -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your impression of me is unbelievable. i've never seen you do an impression. that's why i'm hilariously laughing. >> "yeah. here's a song by a troll doll. it's a neil diamond thing." or something like that. i don't know. you would do an impression. >> jimmy: neil diamond? >> i don't remember. and then you would turn around and wiggle your ass a little bit, because you were young and you had a tight little ass. so you'd wiggle it around. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about? >> i'm just making observations. i didn't have any feelings about it. i'm just saying what i saw. [ laughter ] anyway, so you did. >> jimmy: i didn't do that after every joke. >> you did it a few times. two or three times. >> jimmy: two, three times. >> i'm sitting there, i'm watching, and you would just turn your -- and you would just wiggle your ass. [ laughter ] and i was like, "what is he doing?" >> jimmy: i definitely did not do that. but -- >> no, you did. >> jimmy: no, i definitely didn't do that. but if i did -- >> why would i say it? why would i say it if it wasn't
true? >> jimmy: maybe i did it once and it stuck in your brain. you wanted more, more, more. [ laughter ] you couldn't get it. leave them wanting more. no, because i do an impression of george michael, and i -- so i did turn around and shake my butt. but i didn't do it after every joke. >> not after every joke. the truth lies between us somewhere. [ laughter ] but so here's -- which is usually the case. but so here's what happened. so then we had our meeting about who's going to be on the show. and your name came up, and all the women in the staff are like, "he has to be on. that guy's going to be a huge star." and me and this guy dino, who's a writer -- dino stamatopoulos on the show -- we're both like, "never, never him. never him. [ laughter ] i will quit." i think i actually said, "i will quit the show --" >> jimmy: what?! >> "--if you hire that kid." absolutely not. absolutely not. >> jimmy: what? no way. >> i was dead against you. yes, because you had all your hair, you were in shape, you were a young kid, and i was already kind of just sweaty and balding, and i was depressed and -- pure jealousy. and in my head, i knew it --
like, this is really [ bleep ] up to be doing this. because this kid is really talented, but i don't want to look at him every day, because it'll make me upset about myself. [ laughter ] so i torpedoed your chances to have -- and i mean, i really, really went to bat against you. [ laughter ] and you didn't get the show. >> jimmy: i did not get the show. >> it doesn't matter. you were inevitable. you are a huge talent, you're a a superbly talented kid. [ cheers and applause ] and no matter what -- >> jimmy: i appreciate that. >> if you had gotten the show, it would probably be on the air now. and you would have taken it over at some point. it would be "the jimmy fallon as dana carvey show." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not sure what it would have been right now, but i can't believe that, though. you squashed my dreams. >> yes, i did. for a minute. but that just shows, you know? nobody can really hurt you. [ laughter ] i took that thing away from you. i took something away from you. >> jimmy: you did. >> yeah, and look at you now. >> jimmy: you want me to thank you? [ laughter ] >> no. i kind of do, yeah. everything that happens in your past leads to where you are, right? so if you got "the dana carvey
show" -- by the way, we did get cancelled after seven episodes, and then you would have been in some ditch. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i -- i never heard this story. >> in a ditch. with your troll dolls and your fine ass. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, thank you, thank you. louis, thank you. [ laughter ] so much. i do. [ cheers and applause ] >> finally. >> jimmy: i appreciate it, thank you. >> sure. >> jimmy: more louis ck after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
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everybody. [ cheers and applause ] his multiple emmy award winning series "louie" begins its fifth season april 9th on fx. louis, thank you for that, and thank you for my career as well. >> sure. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but also, you're working with steven wright on this, this season as well. >> yeah, great legendary comedian, steven wright. >> jimmy: oh, my god, he's my favorite. >> yeah. love steven. >> jimmy: that's so rad. i can't wait to see this. it's going to be good. >> yeah, good show. >> jimmy: but also, you can talk about standup stuff because you both have lived on the road and you've done -- >> that's right. >> jimmy: this season especially, you have episodes that are about going on the road? >> yeah, i've got the last two episodes of the season are about being on the road and just, you know. >> jimmy: no one understands what it is to be like a road comic the whole different -- >> yeah, it's pretty depressing. it's a pretty awful life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not the best. yeah. >> yeah. i mean, i did standup for about 20 years before i got any attraction. so for 20 years, it's like a, it's the worst life. >> jimmy: i couldn't imagine 20 years, no. >> yeah. well, and it's you're own fault, because you made a
a really dumb choice with your life. [ laughter ] to be a comedian, i mean, what are the -- what a stupid thing to look at life choices and think, "i could be an engineer." i mean, if i wanted to be an engineer, i could just go be one, i could really study hard, as long as i do my part, then being an engineer is there waiting for me, right? >> jimmy: sure. >> if i wanted to be a lawyer, it's provable that's a path you can take. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, like, "i'm going to be a comedian." what are you doing? what an [ bleep ] hole to think that you're going to be -- [ laughter ] there's how many successful comedians are there at one time, like four, like in the whole world. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. that's true. >> and you think you're going to be one of them? no. and as soon as you decide that, life starts kicking you in the balls over and over again. [ laughter ] and just saying, "you stupid, idiot. why did you do this?" >> jimmy: well, i mean, you do get reminded of it. yeah. but being a road -- i mean, do you remember being in the hotels? your first hotel? >> yeah. i mean, you go from -- there's a lot of comedians out there now, who don't have a home. they live in their car because you work like tuesday through sunday at a comedy club, in,
you know, like cincinnati. like "go bananas" in cincinnati, or "bananas" in poughkeepsie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i started, that's where i started at "bananas" comedy -- do you remember "bananas" in poughkeepsie? >> of course. yeah. it was run by this couple, they would just, people would come, it was the lounge of a a holiday inn in poughkeepsie, new york. >> jimmy: yeah, it was. >> it wasn't a comedy club, it was the function room of a a holiday inn on the highway in poughkeepsie. [ laughter ] and they would bring in this cardboard thing that said "bananas" on it. >> jimmy: yeah, and they'd hang it up. >> they hang it up, and now it's a comedy club. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and there's this great couple that ran the place, a a married couple. >> jimmy: i remember them, harlan and arlene jamison. >> that's who that is, exactly. >> jimmy: i totally remember them. >> yes. >> jimmy: they were the best people to me. >> that's because she would always have a cigarette dangling, i think, in my head. and they would take money from the people, you know, people that have their honeymoon at the holiday inn in poughkeepsie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> like they got married, and their honeymoon, their terrific lives are beginning there. [ laughter ] and that's who the audience was, you know? >> jimmy: yeah.
>> or somebody who lives down the street who walks with the traffic. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a busy street, yeah. you don't get any walk-ins at all. >> and then arlene, what were the names, james and arlene? >> jimmy: arlene and harlan. >> and they would take the crumpled depressing bills and we would split them up. they would give some to the comedian and they'd take some home. >> jimmy: do remember getting -- i just did this thing with seinfeld, "the comedians in cars." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and when we were finished doing it, it was a a really fun day, and at the end he gave me an envelope full of cash. >> yeah, he pays you, because he knows what that felt like because jerry went through this too. >> jimmy: yeah, and i go, "i don't want any money, man, like what are you doing this for?" he's like, "don't you remember?" i won't do the impression but, "don't you remember?" >> "don't, don't you remember?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're doing it too. >> "what, jimmy?" >> jimmy: you shake your butt, that's a funny joke. >> that's right. >> and you're like, "why are you giving me money? [ laughter ] it's so weird. you didn't have to pay me." >> jimmy: oh, my god. but you would do -- that's a a good impression. [ laughter and applause ] >> yeah, it's pretty good. >> jimmy: he's got this money and when -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: he goes, "remember after you worked hard for a a whole week and you sold out
the shows, i mean, you remember those days." >> that's right, because usually as a comic, you get paid like whatever they want to give you, you know? like they say, "you're going to do eight shows and we'll give you $800." and your like, "that's not a a lot of money." and they're like, "we'll get somebody else." they don't care. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, but i remember the first night i got real money. i worked at a place in minneapolis called the "acme comedy club," run by a guy named louis lee, and it was a a club i had worked at a lot. and it was always like half full, you know, and you pour your heart into these shows, and then they give you like 800 bucks maybe 1,000. and then you go on to the next place. it's sad life, you know? but this one week i sold the place out, i packed every show, and i had never really done that before. and at the end of the week, louis handed me an envelope with $10,000 in it. and he said, "this is yours." i said, "why are you giving me this?" he said, "it's your money. you brought the people in. this is where you're at now. this is how much you should be making a week." and he gave that to me and i just started crying like a a baby. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> 'cause i got $10,000 for telling jokes, you know. >> jimmy: you never forget those, man. it's amazing that you remember. >> so yeah. so that's why, i mean, my show,
i'm not successful, on my series. i play me with no success. and it's a fantasy, because i miss it, i miss struggling, you know. >> jimmy: you really do, yeah. [ laughter ] >> 'cause you don't get that back. >> jimmy: you never do. >> no, now we're here, and we're on tv, and you know. >> jimmy: you're forced to talk to me. >> yeah. i have to talk to you. >> jimmy: normally you wouldn't be. >> now it's once you get to a a certain point you can't go back there. you can't get those days back where you're, you know, trying to get an apple pie out of a a vending machine on route 40 in harrisburg, pennsylvania. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's so specific. oh, my god. >> i remember every single thing. i remember a few things exactly. i remember my daughter being born, i remember my dad spanking me and i remember working at "rumors comedy club" in winnipeg. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the only three things by your memory. >> the three things i remember really vividly. >> jimmy: god, that's why -- >> the two worst and best things that happened in my life. >> jimmy: that's why i think we love the show. and there are those people that love their show because it's so specific and -- >> there are a few people. >> jimmy: oh, man. >> very few people.
>> jimmy: it's so great and it really pays off. it's a brilliant, brilliant show. >> oh, thanks. >> jimmy: it's so fun, everybody. >> ah, it's all right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's great. no. >> it's not for everybody. >> jimmy: stop, don't -- >> that's not smart. that's good promotion, right? >> jimmy: it is for everybody. >> no, it's not for everybody. >> jimmy: how do they know? >> whoever you are watching this, you probably won't, wouldn't like it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, you will. try it and you might like it. >> it's not -- it's kind of dirty, it's gross. >> jimmy: no, no, it's funny. >> i mean look at me. >> jimmy: it's funny. it's won emmys. >> no, watch the show. >> jimmy: this is a show to watch. >> he has a tie on, he looks nice you don't want to watch this. [ laughter ] who watches this? >> jimmy: let me tell everyone. >> don't watch the show. >> jimmy: let me show everyone a clip. i'm going to force you to watch. here's a clip of the new season of "louie" which premieres april 9th on fx. here's a clip. >> all right. >> yeah, well, it's nice to see you. >> yeah, you know, we should hang out sometime. >> sure, yeah. >> what are you doing in the morning, you want to go a knicks game? >> i don't -- >> don't say you want to hang out and not hang out with me louis, come on. >> no, no, no, no. i know, i know. i wasn't -- >> yeah, but i'm saying, i'm from back home, remember?
>> yeah, no i know. >> i'll take you to the knicks game, we'll sit on the floor, you can spit on the players if you want. you want to spit on the players? >> i mean -- >> you got a phone number? give me your phone number. you got a phone? where's your phone? [ laughter ] what's your code? this is your phone? >> yeah. >> what's your code? >> 6789. >> 6789, this is a piece of [ bleep ] all right. i'm calling my phone. all right, now we got each other's phone numbers, and we'll stay in touch, i'll call you, all right, tomorrow. >> all right, sure. >> the knicks game. >> okay, sure. >> all right. it's great to see you, louie. >> yeah, it's good to see you too. >> all right. i'll see you around, you big piece of [ bleep ] look at you. >> all right, man. >> this guy's a big comedian, sammy. he's a big famous comedian. >> jimmy: i mean, come on. [ cheers and applause ] michael rapaport. >> michael rapaport. >> jimmy: fantastic. our thanks to the great louis c.k., everybody. sophia bush joins us after the break. stick around, come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey, can i help you? yeah, we're interested in the iphone. we promised one to beth for her birthday. you know mobile share value plans now include rollover data,
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on the hit nbc show "chicago p.d," which airs wednesday nights at 10:00 p.m. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome sophia bush. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on. i appreciate it. >> it's great to see you. >> jimmy: nice to see you as well. >> i need to talk to you about something. >> jimmy: what's up? >> you remember the last time i was here, we discussed, argued, squabbled over, the fact that we both invented the hashtag. >> jimmy: oh yeah, hashtag. >> hashtag. >> jimmy: yeah, hashtag. >> hashtag. have you seen what's going on? >> jimmy: well i invented -- no. >> we have a clip, i have to show you something. >> jimmy: sure. >> #sweetdeals. #chaching. >> you made my day, #you rock. >> #i'm telling everybody. >> #word. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> #they didn't even thank us.
#creative team thank you, soph and jimmy. >> jimmy: yeah, but also -- >> they stole our idea. >> jimmy: well also, the hashtag was my idea. [ laughter ] >> it was my idea. >> jimmy: no, your idea is hastag. >> hastag. >> jimmy: hastag, yes. >> it's easier. >> jimmy: that's not what they did. >> this -- >> jimmy: they did this, that's what i did with justin timberlake. we did -- either way i'm screwed. >> either way. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i mean yeah, someone should pay me. >> royalties. >> jimmy: yeah, #give me every dollar you own, toyota. [ laughter ] yeah. >> jimmy: i also, well, i have a question for you. i have a thing to talk to you about. >> okay. what is that? >> jimmy: it's an instagram photo you sent out. this is a christmas thing. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: this looks like, is this a giant ball of flames? what is that? is that a giant fireplace? [ laughter ] >> let me begin by saying, nothing caught on fire at easter. so i'm doing better this holiday season. but yeah, we were exchanging gifts and my mom had just gotten the iphone 6 plus, which is the size of a spaceship and was zooming in on it to take a a picture of me opening a
a present and didn't realize the gift i had given her to open, she had set on top of a a christmas candle. so, she was actually taking pictures of me trying to put out her flaming gift. [ laughter ] and we didn't even know this photo existed until the day after christmas. >> jimmy: i mean, that's unbelievable. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and everyone's okay? >> everybody is okay, "the humans of new york" book i gave to her kind of looks like a a summer camp marshmallow. >> jimmy: yeah, it's melted. >> but the pages are okay. >> jimmy: yeah. well, gosh, you should have auditioned for the show "chicago fire," but instead you're on "chicago p.d." [ laughter ] either way -- >> i know, they don't even let me put fires out when i get on that show. >> jimmy: police don't even do that, no. and also your dad should have been the one taking the photo. >> yes. >> jimmy: your dad is a famous photographer. he did for years, right? >> yeah, when i was a kid, he actually just retired. we got a couple pictures of -- that he shot of the beautiful sophia loren. and that's you as a baby. >> that's me. >> jimmy: i mean, now look at these. >> isn't that crazy?
>> jimmy: look at this it's like -- [ audience aws ] >> my parents actually named me after her. my dad photographed her for ages. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. she's pretty cool. >> jimmy: she's really cool. do you ever, do you keep in touch with her at all? >> she's in italy full time, so if she's ready to have me, you know, relax at her villa, and drink her wine, i'm in. >> jimmy: yeah. sophia if you're watching, yeah, please. >> call me. call me. >> jimmy: call her. call me? [ laughter ] don't, no one's doing that, i'm telling you, it's this. this is not a thing. >> okay. >> jimmy: i want to know what's going on with "chicago p.d." congrats on everything. gosh, it's a giant hit for nbc and we're so psyched. it's a giant hit everywhere. >> it's really fun. >> jimmy: yeah, it's fun. and you know -- you know how to shoot, man. you're fantastic. >> yeah. >> jimmy: did you have any practice growing up? did you know how to shoot a a gun? >> i did. when i was a little kid i went to summer camp every summer, and you know, you go on the rifle range, and i thought i was super cool with the little .22, and i got home and my dad was kind of excited that i was in into this because he grew up in canada and grew up shooting with his dad, so he took me to the shooting range and i actually got quite good.
so when i first went to train for the show, you know, the guys on the s.w.a.t. team are like, "don't worry we'll take it easy on you." and i was like, "okay." [ laughter ] and i got on the shooting range, and they we're like, "just see if you can hit any in center mass," which on a target is basically the chest box, and i put them all in the tiny little square in the middle. and i waited. i shot five and had one left in the chamber. and i looked at my instructor and he goes, "just, you know, anywhere else." i put it right in the middle of the forehead. and he was like, "she's good, she's clear. [ laughter ] ready to go." >> jimmy: yeah, i'm walking out of here, okay. your hashtag kicked ass. that's okay, yeah. >> jimmy: you guys, sophia bush. "chicago p.d." airs wednesday at 10:00 p.m. on nbc. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. who is fancy performs next. you gotta see it. you going to stick around? >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what made you switch to taco bell breakfast? it's like it doesn't matter where you go, it's the same thing which is like an english muffin with an egg on top! what do you eat now?
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♪ i was a hot mess in my sunday best black tears in my eyes ♪ ♪ you were my first love you were the only one i can't believe your lies ♪ ♪ once we were like bottle rockets now i know i have to stop it ♪ ♪ please believe me this isn't easy i just need to say goodbye ♪ ♪ goodbye goodbye losin' my mind goodbye ♪ ♪ you got a new friend
you like to play pretend i'm just keepin' my cool ♪ ♪ turn on that smoke machine magic and make-believe she'll never know you like i do ♪ ♪ once we were a fire burnin' now you're just a lesson i'm learnin' ♪ ♪ please believe me this isn't easy i just need to say goodbye ♪ ♪ goodbye goodbye losin' my mind goodbye ♪ >> come on! ♪ i know that i can find somebody you won't ever find nobody else like me ♪ ♪ i know that i can find somebody you won't ever find nobody else like me ♪
♪ i know that i can find somebody you won't ever find nobody else like me ♪ ♪ i know that i can find somebody you won't ever find nobody else like me ♪ ♪ once we were like bottle rockets now i know i have to stop it ♪ ♪ so please believe me this isn't easy i just need to say goodbye ♪ ♪ goodbye goodbye losin' my mind goodbye ♪ ♪ ooh
ooh ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the way to do it. that is the way to do it. congratulations. what a cool thing. who is fancy? [ cheers and applause ] what a cool thing. "goodbye" is available on itunes now. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ xfinity watchathon week. the biggest week in television history. it's your all-access binge-watching pass to tv's hottest shows, free with xfinity on demand. xfinity watchathon week. now through april 12th. perfect for people who really love tv.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to louis c.k., sophia bush, who is fancy. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there, ladies and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. buh-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪