tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC September 23, 2015 11:34pm-12:38am EDT
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 335! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: looking great. looking good. great new york city crowd. welcome. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. wow. guys, today's the first day of fall. can you feel it? [ cheers ] you can tell -- you can tell it's getting cold, because today i saw a rat on
the subway trying to carry a a pumpkin spice latte. [ laughter ] i gotta get it with my phone. really funny. of course, the big story here right now is the pope. pope francis is visiting the u.s. i saw that yesterday, the pope's plane couldn't land right away, because he arrived earlier than planned. that's right, the pope's flight was early. so i guess he really can perform miracles. [ laughter ] we're getting in early? oh, yeah. and president obama picked up pope francis in his motorcade yesterday and everyone was wondering if they would be able to spot the pope. well, a vatican spokesman gave us a tip on how we could find him. >> he came, as you will see, in this characteristic motorcade, that is done -- built buy big cars, and there is a clear little car and then there is the pope. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you? [ italian accents ] >> steve: it's a little car.
>> jimmy: it's a tiny little. >> steve: it's a-clear. >> jimmy: with the person dressed like pope inside. [ laughter ] thank you for the heads-up. you can also tell it's a a 78-year-old's car, because the right blinker is on the whole time. that's the pope's car. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: that's a-him. >> jimmy: and get this. i read that officials actually banned strollers from one of the pope's speeches. babies were like, "but we can't walk." their parents were like, "that was when i carried you." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: the ole footsteps. deep cut. deep cut right there. a little footsteps. let's get some political news here. i heard that chris christie recently ordered the leader of the new jersey national guard to lose weight with in the next 90 days. [ laughter ] and if he doesn't, christie will eat him. and that's the type of stuff -- [ laughter ] >> steve: hey! >> jimmy; that's the type of stuff that you -- >> steve: oh, hey!
oh, ay! ay! >> jimmy: this is pretty big news here. yesterday, a federal judge ruled that the "happy birthday" song is now public domain. so no one has to pay to use it in movies or tv anymore. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] not to be confused with the happy birthday songs in restaurants, which people would pay to never hear again. it's like -- ♪ happy, happy, happy happy, happy, happy, happy birth, birth, birth birth, birth, birth ♪ ♪ birth, birth, birth birth, birth, birth birth, birth, birth ♪ ♪ birth, birth, birthday day, day, day to you, you, you, you, you ♪ ♪ and a hap, hap, hap hap, hap, hap, hap hap, hap, hap, hap ♪ stop! stop! stop it! i don't want free cake. i want you to stop singing that song. it's not a song. [ laughter ] "sure, it's a song. we sing it all the time here at apple garden." [ laughter ] ♪ hap, hap, hap hap, hap, hap, hap hap, hap, hap, hap ♪ ♪ you, you, you, you happy birth, you, you, you ♪ stops! stop it! you're poking me now. "that's part of the song. [ laughter ]
we poke you until you're embarrassed." >> steve: then you fight us, and we sue you. >> jimmy: nobody has to pay to use the "happy birthday" song anymore. you won't believe this, but the pope actually took advantage of this to make up for missing obama's birthday earlier this year. check this out. ♪ happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, mr. president happy birthday to you ♪ >> jimmy: aw, isn't that nice? [ cheers and applause ] eat your heart out, marilyn monroe. [ light laughter ] hey, listen to this, you guys. the dalai lama raised some eyebrows during a recent interview when he said that if the future dalai lama is female, she would have to be attractive or otherwise there's not much use. [ audience ohs ] yeah. i knew the dali lama believed in reincarnation, but i never realized he would come back as donald trump. [ laughter and applause ]
this is pretty interesting here. a team of scientists in montana announced that they discovered the fossils of a dinosaur, nicknamed "ava," that they described looking as like a a "fat pony." [ light laughter ] the dinosaur was, "yeah, i'll stick with ava." [ laughter ] i like that better than 'fat pony.'" finally, this is a crazy story out of the u.k. earlier this week, commuters in england were surprised to see a a bunch of crabs crawling around a subway station. not to be confused with the way you get crabs on the new york subway. [ laughter and applause ] by sitting. we have a great show, everybody. give it up for the roots. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but you still have to pay for it, "how old are you
now?" >> steve: yeah, that's gonna be a lot of money. don't say it. >> jimmy: that you still have to pay for, yeah. we have a fantastic show tonight, you guys. we love when this man stops by. from the hit nbc show, "the blacklist", james spader is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: i love that man. always fun. >> steve: a delight. >> jimmy: love that guy. plus, he stars alongside anne hathaway and robert de niro in a big new movie called "the intern" in theaters friday. andrew rannells is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] another great guy. and then, we have stand-up from one of my favorite comedians ever. i love this guy so much. he's so funny. but also what a great guy, he's such a nice guy. i'm gonna talk to him. he's gonna do stand-up. brian regan is here you guys. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] come on! >> jimmy: he is funny, man. >> steve: nice dude. >> jimmy: unbelievably funny. guys, we're in week three of the nfl season. and sunday night's big matchup between the denver broncos and the detroit lions. as you know, at the end of every season, they give out awards, like "most valuable player." but they also give out awards
at the beginning of the season, sort of like the ones in the high school year books, like "most likely to succeed," "class clown." stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for "tonight show" superlatives. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ >> jimmy: our first player is taylor boggs. he's a center for the detroit lions. he was voted "most likely to be a hitman in grand theft auto." [ laughter ] >> steve: okay. >> jimmy: thought he looked familiar. next up is vance walker. he's a defensive end for the denver broncos. he was voted "most likely to be watching his wife and ex-girlfriend hitting it off at a party." [ laughter ] >> steve: oh my god, where'd you get that? >> jimmy: brand new friendship. it's great. next, from the lions, is kyle van noy. he was voted "most likely to be joe jonas's reflection on a a doorknob." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: very specific award. >> jimmy: rare award. they don't give that out --
rare award. next up, from the lions, is gabe wright. he was voted "least likely to receive a scarf for christmas." [ laughter ] he's like, "i'm good. i'm good with a neck warm. i'm good." next, from the broncos, is darius kilgo. he was voted "amish shaq." [ laughter and applause ] i don't use modern technology. next, from the lions, is golden tate. he was voted "most likely to have a name that means something gross on urban dictionary." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: don't look it up. >> jimmy: don't. >> steve: golden tate. >> jimmy: next -- [ laughter ] clear your search history if you type that in. >> steve: don't even let the kids -- >> jimmy: don't look at that. next up is matt paradis from the broncos. he was voted "redneck julius caesar." [ laughter and applause ]
et tu, brute? and finally, from the broncos, we have starting quarterback peyton manning. [ cheers ] he was voted "oldest van der beek." [ laughter ] there you go. your nfl superlatives. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a long day and sometimes, an even longer night. helping with homework before doing your own. and you may think no one notices... but she does. she sees more than "mom," she sees determination. we do too. for nearly 40 years, we've designed an education for people just like you. learn more at phoenix.edu.
hey babe, last one home cooks? ♪ ♪ ♪ another tie. order in? next time i drive. the right-sized nissan rogue. ♪ no fees, 25% rewards bonus, extra interest, the preferred pricing, merrill edge online investing. pretty solid, huh? yeah, i agree. i actually have a bunch of other ideas, but they're not gonna fit on that board. you know, we got another side to that board. i don't see it right now. it doesn't -- it doesn't turn. can we underline some stuff, then? because none of it's really popping out. i've got this underlined in another color. are you gonna use that green marker? because it's just sitting there. you know, that's just... that's just decoration. and i am uncomfortable with the green marker.
at a local fast food restaurant. in fact, i remember it like it was yesterday. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: excuse me, young man. i would like some more mustard. >> jimmy: uh -- mustard. mustard. oh! here you go. >> steve: no, this bottle is empty. i would like a new mustard bottle. >> jimmy: okay, dude. chilly your willy. let me get my supervisor. ed! [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome to good burger, home of the good burger. can i take your order?
[ cheers and applause ] >> steve: first of all -- first of all, i've already ordered? and secondly, your grammar is atrocious. it's not, "can i take your order?" may i take your order? >> oh, sure. i'll have a good burger. some good fries. a five-piece good nuggets. one good pie. >> steve: no, no, no. >> you want some? >> steve: i need mustard for my good burger. can't you see this bottle's empty? >> uh -- no. oh, you just gotta squeeze it like you mean it, bro. oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> there you go. look at that. >> steve: there you go. perfect. >> that will be eight bucks. >> steve: well i never. >> never? >> jimmy: like, not even once?
>> steve: maybe once. [ cheers and applause ] welcome to good burger, home of the good burger. can we take your order? >> tariq: yeah, i think i'll have the good spicy chicken wrap. >> oh, one spicy chicken wrap coming up. [ jimmy beatboxing ] ♪ my name is ed and i'm here to say i love spicy chicken in a major way ♪ ♪ yeah all the spicy chicken say what what what what the cluck ♪ >> tariq: stop it, stop it. stop it. stop it! [ cheers and applause ] what the heck was that? >> well, you asked for a spicy chicken wrap. >> jimmy: that'll be eight bucks. >> tariq: you guys are crazy. >> we are non-crazy. isn't that right, bud? >> jimmy: look, i'm grape-nose boy. [ laughter ] >> well, that's impossible
because i'm grape-nose boy. bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity. bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity. bloobity bloobity bloobity bloobity. [ cheers and applause ] [ car horn ] >> jimmy: there's someone at the drive-thru. yeah, i'll be right back. >> cool. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome to good burger, home of the good burger. can i take your order? >> now lookie here, fluffernutter.
the name is lester oaks, construction worker, and i'm hangry. that means i'm hungry and i'm angry. yeah, i learned that on the intra-net. [ light laughter ] >> well, hey, lester oaks, construction worker. >> now, i ain't got no time for your pleasantries and your howdy doody doody doos! this here is a serious matter that can only be rectified and reciprocated by you giving me a a double good burger and some frenchy fries. >> okay. one double good burger, one order of good fries. anything else? >> yeah, why don't you give me one of them good shakes while you're at it. >> oh, you want a good shake? i'll give you a good shake. i'll give you one. >> hey, hey, hey! hey, quit it. you quit that. fudge bucket. i was asking for a thick milky beverage, not for you to shakify my insides. you silly goose, man!
>> oh, i'm sorry. lester oaks. construction worker. >> oh, no, it's all right, son. it's okay. >> son. dad! oh, oh! >> jimmy: hey, hey. what's going on, bro? >> bro? brother? whoa. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wait, wait. if we're brothers -- dad? >> no, no. no! i am not your daddy. that is biologically improbable. stay away from me, you fuzzy nuggets. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: never seen -- never seen dad act like that before. >> very mean. >> tariq: hey, i was just in
there a few minutes ago, and man, i can't get your spicy chicken rap out of my head. >> hey, wait. i know you. you're black thought from the roots. >> jimmy: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> tariq: why, yes. yes, i am. and i like to sign you to my record label, that is if you have one more song to prove you're the real deal. >> i only have the best, catchiest song of all time. ♪ i'm a dude he's a dude she's a dude 'cause we're all dudes ♪ >> everybody! ♪ i'm a dude he's a dude she's a dude 'cause we're all dudes hey i'm a dude he's a dude ♪ ♪ she's a dude 'cause we're all dudes hey i'm a dude he's a dude she's a dude 'cause we're ♪ ♪ i'm a dude he's a dude she's a dude 'cause we're all dudes ♪ ♪ i'm a dude he's a dude she's a dude 'cause we're all dudes ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] i want to thank kenan thompson and kel mitchell for doing that "good burger" sketch. [ cheers and applause ] that was so fun. you can check out kel in the new nickelodeon show "game shakers" on saturdays at 8:30 p.m. he's a good man. and kenan returns for season 41 of "saturday night live" on october 3rd right here on nbc. [ cheers and applause ] i love those guys. thank you so much for doing that here. i appreciate that. our first guest is a multiple emmy award winning actor who stars on the popular series "the blacklist," which premieres its third season on thursday, october 1st at 9:00 p.m. right here on nbc. please welcome james spader, ladies and gentlemen.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: james spader! thank you for coming back. welcome back to the show. we love having you on. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we never talk about this on the air, but i always wanna talk about our love of vinyl. >> yes. >> jimmy: you have a vinyl -- you have a record player and you love playing records. i love playing records. what's your favorite type of record? >> although questlove's collection puts everyone to shame, i think. >> jimmy: he has a building, yeah. i mean, it's basically a tower records, his apartment, yeah. it's a giant record shop. uh, but what do you enjoy listening to the most? >> oh, my gosh. so much. i mean, it depends on the time and the evening. >> jimmy: yes, i agree.
>> you know, like generally, it's jazz or classical, earlier on. >> jimmy: i'm glad you said jazz, 'cause i got you -- >> oh, you got -- come on. >> jimmy: it's a count bassie record. it's so rad. and when you listen to it you're going to freak out. >> you are so great. >> jimmy: oh, no. you're going to freak out. that's the one that's on pablo records. but it's -- it's a great one. and let me tell you something. through your speakers, you're just gonna love hearing it. it will be like you're in a a jazz club. it's fun. 'cause i know we talked about that when you were here. you told me that you like to crank up music and open your doors -- >> thank you. that was my favorite gift. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i hope you love it. i think you're gonna love it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: 'cause we were talkin' last time. you said you open -- you crank your music, you open your windows and you take your dog for a walk. >> i do. yeah, no, i live in greenwich village. and we have these big windows that open out. it's an old building that was built in 1820 something. and i -- and there's a big wrought iron window box, so i
can sit in the window and turn on the music. and i like to listen to my music at whatever type of music it is, i like to listen to it at the volume that it would be at if you're there, if it's live. so, if it's a jazz combo in a a small club, then it'll sound like that. if it's a classical -- if it's a symphony, it will be at that volume. if it's the the rolling stones, then i listen to it at that volume. what it would be like if you're this far from the stage, you know? >> jimmy: your neighbors must love you. oh, my gosh. really love you. >> i have a little problem with like one or two of the neighbors. like one night -- one night, i was up in my window and it was fairly late. it was pretty late. but i've always looked at it like i live in greenwich village. i mean, if you can't play your music loud on a saturday night or friday night in greenwich village, where on earth can you? >> jimmy: thank you. amen to that. i agree. [ cheers and applause ] absolutely. you should be able to. >> anyway, so i was -- well, twice i've had a problem with
one of the neighbors. so, one of them, i was sitting in the window. and sort of, you know, it's screaming music, and i'm sitting there listening to music like that, and all of a a sudden, the neighbor from across the street comes out in his bathrobe. and all he does is comes out into the middle of the street and go -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's so new york. he didn't have to say anything. >> he didn't say anything. he's like -- i immediately jumped out of the window and like turned the music down. but part of the thing -- and then the cops are called another night. but part of the problem is -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what happened with the cops? the cops -- >> well, okay. i was playing it quite loud. that night, i sort of -- i had a beef, 'cause the night with the bathrobe, that was like 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. but this night was like 11:00 or something, you know? and -- but it was pretty loud. but anyway, i -- by the time the cops showed up, and the door bell rang. i was in bed already, and the music had been off for a half hour. but the doorbell rang, and you know, there's not a great
response time if it's loud music with the police. >> jimmy: you think? we have other things to do. >> anyway, but the doorbell rang. and they said it's the police. and there's that instinct right off the bat, where i was like, okay, in the last two weeks, what sort of infractions -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think i'm okay. i think i didn't do anything. yes, officer, what is this concerning? >> yeah, okay, okay. so anyway, i rang them in, as if i'm not going to, if i'd done something. >> jimmy: yeah, jump out the window, scurry down the pole, yeah. >> so, i ring them in, and i live up three flights. so, i felt badly, you know? these guys are coming up and there's two of them. so, i go down and i like, meet them halfway down. i said, i'm so sorry. they said, you know, it's the music. i said, no, i know, i know. i know, it's a problem! but anyway, i said, but it's been off for a half hour. and frankly, you know, that seems pretty reasonable. and i'm sorry you had to come
all the way up here. but they left. but part of the problem is i walk the dog, and i like -- i live near washington square park. and i love when i leave to walk the dog, i'll put on a song because i like when i leave to walk the dog, when i'm coming back towards the house, i like to sort of hear the familiar dulcet tones of my stereo. [ light laughter ] you know what i mean? like a block away or so or two, maybe. depending if it's a quiet evening, you know, maybe two and a half, three blocks. also depending on if it's the rolling stones or not, you know? >> jimmy: oh, i love that song. i was playing, it yeah. >> i just sing in my heart, 'cause it's my stereo, it's my music. i'm like, i'm coming. don't worry. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i have to turn you on to something called an ipod. it's gonna blow your mind. [ laughter ] you're gonna freak out. [ applause ] "the blacklist" coming back.
i'm psyched. october 1st here at nbc. it takes place one minute after the second season ended. >> it is crazy. it is crazy this season. like it just leads -- this freight train leaves the station at full speed. >> jimmy: last time you were here we saw something. it was just all explosions and everything. >> it's just as nuts. >> jimmy: i'm so thankful. i love that it's on our network 'cause it's the greatest thing. i wanna show, here's a clip of james spader in the season premiere of "the blacklist." take a look at this. >> hello. >> raymond. >> elisabeth. and you are? >> marta. >> marta. >> please don't hurt me. >> no, no, no, we're not gonna hurt you, marta. we are, however, going to take your cell phone and lock you in the bathroom. okay? >> okay.
>> i must say, your hair, the way it frames your face, very becoming. >> gracias. >> de nada. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: charming. a charming, yet very scary man. james spader. we love him so much. season three of "the blacklist" premieres thursday, october 1st at 9:00 p.m. on nbc. we'll be right back with andrew rannells, everybody. thank you again. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is iphone 6s. not much has changed. except... it responds to the pressure of your finger. so you can peek into stuff. and pop stuff open. which changes how you play a song. read a text. read an email.
read the news. wait, you read the news? kid: yep of course you do. now you can change apps like this. pay at more places like this. and the new color looks like this... it's rose gold, it's awesome. and siri is more helpful than ever. bill hader: hey siri, show me photos of tortellini. siri: here are some images of tortellini... maybe get take out? the camera shoots 4k video now, which changes how your movies look. nice... even selfies have changed. now your screen is the flash. that's gonna get, like, a million likes. selena gomez: thanks. actually, photos themselves have changed. they move now. you just touch them. so yeah, that's what's changed. ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a tony-nominated and grammy-winning performer. you know him from the hbo series "girls," and starting this friday, you can see him on the big screen with anne hathaway and robert de niro in "the intern." please welcome a talented man. here's andrew rannells, ladies
and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: andrew rannells. >> what's happening? >> jimmy: man, thank you for coming back, and thank you for -- >> thank you for having me back. >> jimmy: i'm happy you got here on time and everything, because i know traffic has been -- >> pope-a-palooza. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's pope-a-palooza outside. >> the pope. it's like, you could get away with anything right now. >> jimmy: you really can, yeah. >> the pope -- i -- the pope made me late. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's how it was. i said the pope made me late. but you're here. >> i'm here. >> jimmy: and i'm happy you're here. thank you so much. >> thank you. so happy to be here. >> jimmy: well, you have a good reason. this movie. >> well, "the intern." yeah. >> jimmy: "the intern." opens this friday. >> this friday. >> jimmy: anne hathaway, robert de niro. >> robert de niro. nancy meyers. >> jimmy: nancy meyers movie. >> the greatest nancy meyers. >> jimmy: i love her.
>> she loves you. >> jimmy: i really -- i love her back, >> i'm in love with her. >> jimmy: she's super talented. >> everybody loves each other. >> jimmy: they do. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: how do you -- you describe a nancy meyers set very perfectly, i think. >> well, i -- it's like 50 shades of cream. [ laughter ] it's a really beautiful -- >> jimmy: it's all this beautiful, gorgeous thing. >> beautiful layers. yeah, it's really gorgeous. she's the best. >> jimmy: robert de niro's alarm clock in his bedroom was really cool. >> oh, it's really beautiful. i know, the details. she has such an eye for detail. >> jimmy: i loved it. >> and she also, like she was very good, because obviously, robert de niro is robert de niro. >> jimmy: yeah. how were you with robert de niro? >> well, you know, she gave me a really good piece of advice. she was like, "look." she was like, "just don't be an ass." she was like, "don't just run up to him and be like, 'let's talk about don't do that to him." you have to be, like, normal. >> jimmy: yeah. >> be normal. >> jimmy: he's just like a a normal dude. he's a cool guy. >> so i was like, " be -- i can be n i'll so then, we're on set and we're like, sitting next to each other, and my version of normal was to, like, just start cursing, like i had tourette's. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no! why would you -- >> so i was like, "it's
[ bleep ] hot out there." [ laughter ] right? like, "so [ bleep ] hot." and i'd be like, "what's with the [ bleep ] -- this set? [ laughter ] there's like a [ bleep ] paperweight. what's this [ bleep ] thing? so [ bleep ] crazy." and i'm from nebraska. [ laughter ] so i don't have an accent, nor is that like my go-to jam to be like, "what the [ bleep ] the [ bleep ]." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, we got it. yeah. >> yeah, i don't do that. [ laughter ] oh, is this not hbo? >> jimmy: no, no, this is not. you can't say -- >> i'm sorry, i didn't know that. i didn't know that. >> jimmy: yeah, no problem. well how did he take that? >> he was nice. he, like, cursed back at me, which was, really, i thought, very polite of him. [ laughter ] i thought that was very nice. but then the weird thing was, is like, our teamster guys who like, you know, they drive you around and they're like these sort of like gruff guys who were -- you know, they saw him, and then they had sort of like the opposite thing happen to them where they were like, [ high voice ] "hey, mr. de niro!" [ laughter ] and they -- [ applause ] they turned into, like, weird fan girls. i was like, "rocko, [ bleep ] pull it together." [ laughter ] like, "what's going on?" they did. they were like, "it's him! it's the godfather!" [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: i want to set up the movie because it's charming. it's funny. >> yes. >> jimmy: basically, you're partners with anne hathaway -- >> anne hathaway, yeah. >> jimmy: --in this tech savvy company. >> exactly. >> jimmy: and you do a thing where you're hiring interns that are senior citizens. >> yeah. wait, let me just stop you for a second. >> jimmy: no, no, no -- >> did you know that you were in the movie? >> jimmy: yeah. >> do you know that? >> jimmy: yeah, of course, i know it. >> that you're in it? >> jimmy: yeah. well, i don't want to spoil it for people. >> but she literally -- like, you're in a scene with anne hathaway. >> jimmy: i know. >> you didn't know -- [ cheers and applause ] you're really underplaying it. >> jimmy: i do. when you have done as many films as i have -- >> i know, it's just -- >> jimmy: --you just shut your [ bleep ] mouth sometimes. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm sorry. >> jimmy: i said, it's not like me. it's not like me. and you brought out the worst in me there. >> i realize that after "jurassic world," it's, like, all downhill for you. >> jimmy: yeah, i was in "jurassic world," big deal. >> whatever.
>> jimmy: biggest movie ever. yeah, i guess so. i mean -- [ laughter ] i was like, "oh, my gosh. i'm gonna get cut out of that thing." yeah. no, i was very happy. we have a clip. here's andrew rannells with anne hathaway in "the intern," in theaters friday. check this out. >> hey. i need you for two minutes uninterrupted. >> okay. >> you remember a few weeks ago, we talked about the senior intern program? >> no. >> really? we had a whole, big conversation about it. >> we did? okay, remind me. seniors in high school or college? >> no, no, no, no. seniors in life, older people. >> hold on. what? >> i told you i felt like we needed to do an outreach program. you definitely seemed to be liking the idea, so i set it in motion. it's going to be great. >> hold, please. you're hiring senior citizen interns? >> there's been a ton of research on this, and the results are actually incredible. i mean, imagine having an intern with a lifetime of experience as opposed to somebody who spent the last four years of their life playing beer pong. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our thanks to andrew rannells. "the intern" is in theaters this friday. go check it out. we have stand-up from brian regan after the break. stick around.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we are joined right now by a very, very funny, very talented man. if you ask all the established comics who's their favorite standup, most of them say this guy's name. this saturday night at 9:00 p.m., you can see him in the first ever live comedy central special, "brian regan live from radio city music hall." please give a warm "tonight show" welcome to brian regan, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> all right. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. hey. all right. that's very nice. thank you so much. i'm feeling good. i just had my annual physical. with a new doctor. new doctor for me. you ever go to a brand-new
doctor and the moment he walks in, you're like, "no. [ laughter ] no, this ain't gonna work out. i need an air vent or something i can crawl through." i was sitting there. i'm nervous enough. doctor walks in. all the buttons on his lab coat were off by one. [ laughter ] if he can't nail that task, i don't think i want his doctor paws on me. and i know this is going to sound like i'm making this up. this is the absolute truth. he was late. [ light laughter ] i don't get the doctor being late thing. i don't know why that's accepted. if i have a 2:00 appointment, i want the doctor looking at me at 2:00. and the only way i think it would be okay for the doctor to be late is if it's five of 2:00, you're in the waiting
room, and you notice from under the door that leads to the back rooms, a pool of blood. [ laughter ] an ever-widening pool of blood coming out into the waiting room. everyone has to lift their feet. "i think we might be delayed." [ laughter ] then it would be okay. for him to be five minutes late. clamp whatever's doing that. and get me back there. [ laughter ] i want to hear a clamp noise and him saying, "my 2:00 is here." [ laughter and applause ] but i need somebody to look after me like that, you know? 'cause i'm not paying enough attention to myself. i looked in the mirror the other day -- this is embarrassing. i noticed a two-inch hair growing out, dead center, from the middle of my forehead.
how is that even possible? [ light laughter ] all the other hairs are up here. how does one hair do a lone wolf? [ laughter ] "we're doing a jailbreak!" and i know it was two inches because i measured it. now, i don't know how long it takes for a hair to grow two inches, but nobody in my life bothered to tell me about it for the entire growing season. [ laughter ] they must have had daily conversations. "has he noticed yet? "he has not." [ laughter ] "how is that possible?" "i don't know. he must look directly into the mirror and the hair must be perfectly straight. and he must not move his head a a billionth of an inch. he is unaware of his unihair." [ laughter and applause ] not cool, you know?
and i'm trying to be cool. in fact, i'm thinking of getting a tattoo. [ light laughter ] but i want to get a tattoo that is unique. you know, i don't want a tattoo like everybody else has. so i'm going to get a tattoo of a blender. a big one on my chest. [ laughter ] and then when i go to the public pool and take my shirt off, everyone would be spellbound. they would be like, "it's -- is that -- a blender?" born to frappe. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you. thanks. i don't know, i have weird tattoo ideas. i think someone should get a a tattoo of a dozen easter eggs.
but tell the tattoo artist to hide them. [ laughter ] right? [ cheers and applause ] you get back in shape, you might find a golden egg. [ laughter ] you guys are great. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: brian regan. we'll talk to brian after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're hanging out with brian regan. do not miss this -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: do not miss his comedy central special, "brian regan live from radio city music hall" this saturday. set your dvrs, your tivo, set your vcrs, if you still have one, good for you. 9:00 p.m. this saturday. this is a first. they've never done this before. >> comedy central has never done a live special. i pitched the idea to them, and they said let's do it. >> jimmy: you look good. you're camera of ready. >> aw, thank you. >> jimmy: yeah, you're ready to go. absolutely. >> hey. actually, you know, it's like a
a big deal for me. i actually, you know, i spent it last couple months -- i lost ten pounds. and then i found out that tv adds ten pounds. so basically, i have been wasting my time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you gotta lose 20. sorry about that. >> you gotta lose 20 to look like you lost -- >> jimmy: you don't want to get the math involved. >> i didn't have the math. >> jimmy: you told me there was another brian regan working in hollywood. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i didn't know this. >> i didn't know either. there's a brian regan screenwriter. this is true, and he's a really good writer. he wrote "102 dalmatians" and "how to lose a guy in ten days" and a bunch of other movies. a very good writer, but i didn't know about him. i was on the road and these people said, "you want to do a a local tv interview?" i'm like, "yeah. yeah, sounds good." [ laughter ] they said, "we want to do it out in front of the movie theater." and i'm like, "okay. [ laughter ] whatever. wherever you want to do it."
they said, "yeah, we want to have the '102 dalmatians' logo behind us during the interview." i'm like, "all right." [ laughter ] you know? does that look good on camera? [ laughter ] whatever you want to do. so i still have no idea what's going on. we're sitting in the two chairs. and the guy goes, "so tell me about the movie '102 dalmatians'." [ laughter ] i'm like, well -- i don't know if they have some tie-in. i say, "well, that's a lot of dogs jumping around. [ laughter ] so you know it's going to be fun." and then he goes, "how will '102 dalmatians' be different than from '101 dalmatians'?" i say, "well, i'm not a math expert.
[ laughter ] i'm thinking one dog." >> jimmy: you guys, you have to check out brian regan this saturday. [ cheers and applause ] on comedy central. one of the funniest. thanks for always being a great guy to me. always been nice to me. i really appreciate that. my thanks to jame spader, andrew rannells, right there. [ cheers and applause ] brian regan once again. and give it up for the roots from philadelphia right there. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow, everybody. bye-bye. ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- will forte, from "addicted to fresno," actress natasha lyonne, featuring the 8g band with stephen perkins. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] glad to hear it. in that case, let's get to the news. today is the first official day of fall, and yet some people still insist on wearing white. [ laughter ] you're embarrassing yourself.