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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  May 11, 2016 12:37am-1:38am EDT

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- kaley cuoco, comedian michael ian black, author helen oyeyemi, featuring the 8g band with eric kretz. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. let's get to the news. a new poll shows that hillary clinton and donald trump would be tied in florida if the presidential election were held today. of course, trump comes into florida with a huge advantage on account of being the state fruit. [ laughter ] "i'm full of vitamin c."
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[ laughter ] experts are saying that it may be too late for a establishment republicans to find an alternative candidate to donald trump. they're married to him now. and just like in every marriage, they have to pretend he's the one they wanted the whole time. [ light laughter ] "no, it was always you, donald. i mean, can you imagine me married to paul ryan?" [ light laughter ] dr. ben carson said in a new interview that it's not going to be a problem finding a running mate for donald trump. and he will rest until he finds one. [ laughter ] it was announced today that donald trump has put his campaign manager corey lewandowski in charge of vetting his vice presidential candidates. so we're now living in a world where you can be vice president of the united states if it's cool with corey. [ laughter ] i don't know, what'd corey say? yeah, corey's my bro.
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congress is back in session, making this ted cruz's first day back on capitol hill since dropping out of the race. and congress through him a party. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the national park service is reportedly close to giving brands the opportunity to sponsor various landmarks and nature sites in an effort to offset maintenance costs. the first brand to jump on this opportunity -- ray-bans. [ laughter ] school nurses across the country are blaming group selfies for the spread of head lice among middle and high school students. so finally a silver lining for kids who don't get asked to be in pictures. [ laughter ] victoria beckham admitted in a new interview that while performing with the spice girls
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her microphone was usually turned off. even crazier, bernie's mic has been turned off this whole time. [ laughter ] "i don't need it! it's a waste of valuable electricity!" [ applause ] "save your money! a man in the uk was arrested recently for teaching his girlfriend's dog to perform a nazi salute when it heard the words "sieg heil." and if you think that's scary, the cat taught itself. [ light laughter ] [bleep] cats. [ light laughter ] tickets for desert trip, the upcoming rock concert featuring bob dylan, the rolling stones, neil young, and paul mccartney, went on sale yesterday and sold out in five hours. it would have sold out faster, but it took your dad four hours to figure out the website. [ laughter and applause ] shout out to my father-in-law, tom. i know you tried. a new trend has popped up in
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china where women sit in tubs of water half naked and let live fish exfoliate their pubic region by eating dead skin cells. of course, i find out about this after mother's day. [ laughter ] did you get the fish? no, you put them in the tub. i love you, mom. and finally, a new study suggests that a chemical released when a person is hungry can lead to poor decision-making. it's what taco bell calls our entire business model. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have -- [ cheers and applause ] great show for you tonight. you're here on a good one. from cbs's "the big bang theory", kaley cuoco is here this evening. [ cheers and applause ] he's one of our favorite comedians. we're very happy he's back on the show. he has a new stand-up special on epix, "noted expert." michael ian black will be here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and she's the author of a new collection of short stories, "what's not yours is not yours."
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helen oyeyemi is on the show tonight. a fantastic book. [ cheers and applause ] so looking forward to talking to her about it. now, before we get to all that, the united kingdom is currently embroiled in a contentious debate over whether to leave the european union. a decision that could have massive consequences for the global economy and international diplomacy. and now american politicians are weighing in on the debate, too. for more on this it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: actually, you know what? since we're talking about the u.k., it's time for "a keener glance." ♪ [ applause ] >> seth: next month british citizens will vote in a referendum on the brexit. an abbreviation for a potential british exit from the european unit. brexit is not be kwon fused for grexit, for a greek exit. departugal, for a portuguese departure. italeave, if italy left or frack off if france decided to -- [ light laughter ]
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you get it, you get it. a brexit would be a huge deal, so this decision could have massive ripple effects for the global economy and diplomacy for years to come which makes it the second most important vote british people have this year after this. >> the british organization may be regretting a public relations decision. >> yeah, they had the bright idea to let the internet have a voice in naming a new ship. >> the u.k.'s national environment research counsel, or nerc, is asking the public for name suggestions for their new research vessel. and if the internet gets its way, it will be called boaty mcboatface. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, true story boaty mcboatface actually won the poll, but in the end the national environment research council, who ran the poll, decided to name the boat the sir david attenborough, because the national environment research counsel hates good times. [ light laughter ] but with the bexit vote the results can't just be ignored, which is why prime minister david cameron who supports staying in the e.u. might be regretting putting this
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to a popular vote. because when you put things to a public vote, crazy [bleep] happens. that's true with the british boaty mcboatface or the american orangey mcorangeface. [ laughter ] "i'm full of vitamin c. huge deposits of vitamin c." and right now the polls on a potential brexit are incredibly close. and because it's such a crucial decision, political leaders around the world have been offering their opinions on what the u.k. should do. and last week donald trump became the latest to offer his take. >> i would say they're better off without it, personally. but i'm not making that as a recommendation, just my feeling. i know great britain very well. i know, you know, the country very well. i would say that they're better off without it. >> seth: and it's true, trump does know great britain very well as you can see from this video of two men holding bagpipes and a third bagpipe swinging a golf club. [ light laughter ] although i'm not sure the british people are all that eager to hear donald trump's opinion on this or any issue. in january, the u.k. parliament held a debate on a petition to ban trump from the country and
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here is just a sample of what british politicians said about him. >> a poisonous, corrosive man. >> a dangerous fool. >> a buffoon. >> this ridiculous individual. >> the orange prince of american self publicity. >> if he met one or two of my constituents in one of the many excellent pubs in my constituency, then they may well tell him that he's a wazzock. >> seth: that's wazzock or as pronounced in america, "waaaaazzzzzock." [ laughter ] here's an alt joke. a wazzock is a wizard whose hands are too small to hold a wand. [ laughter ] wazzock. okay, so why is the u.k. having this debate over the e.u. now? well, to start the last few years have not been great for the e.u. recently they've had are contend with a syrian refugee crisis that has overwhelmed many european countries and before that there were a series of crippling financial crises. like in greece, a crisis that was so difficult for the
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european union, the german finance minister actually proposed a trade with u.s. treasury secretary jack lew. [ speaking german ] [ german accent ] >> seth: "and i do not blame him for thinking i was joking. as i have a reputation for being a merry maker! [ laughter ] stand-up comedy." the e.u. has always been a difficult project, partially because while these countries share a continent, they don't have a common political system or a single political identity. and those differences bubble to the surface every time they debate an issue. the germans lecture the greeks to work harder, the french complain that the italians are disorganized. slovakia complains that they get slovenia's mail. and e.u. critics often mock the
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organization for its inane bureaucratic rules. for example, a 1995 directive that issued guidelines for the growing of bananas which specified that bananas with an extreme or unsightly curvature were to be discarded by growers. an unsightly curvature. you never want to here a banana described in a way that would bum you out if it came from your doctor. [ laughter ] "have you had the unsightly curvature for more than three hours? that's not good." [ laughter ] incidentally, unsightly curvature also an acceptable definition for wazzock. [ light laughter ] so rules like that are silly, but fighting over dumb rules like that is way better than what happened before europe was integrated. european countries invading or bombing each other constantly. european integration was designed to stop that and has done a great job of it so far. but now that project is in a crucial moment and the u.k. leaving the e.u. could very well be the death blow, because it's a much bigger deal for the u.k. to leave than a country like greece leaving. look at it this way, when zayn
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left, one direction was okay. but if harry leaves, that's it. it's over. and the u.k. is harry styles. [ light laughter ] which is why president obama took the rare step of urging the british people to vote to remain in the e.u. during a trip to london in april. the main argument for staying is economic stability and the u.s. is currently pursuing a trade agreement with the e.u. some pro-brexit politicians think the u.k. could just negotiate its own trade deal with the u.s. if britain leaves the e.u. but obama threw cold water on that idea. >> i think it's fair to say that maybe at some point down the line there might be a u.k.-u.s. trade agreement, but it's not going to happen any time soon because our focus is in negotiating with a big block, the european union, to get a trade agreement done. and u.k. is going to be in the back of the queue. >> seth: and he's the only american who can say queue and still sound cool. anyone else would sound like a
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sophomore back from a semester abroad who starts saying everything is "brilliant" or "dodgy" or "that selena gomez is a fit bird." now, obama weighing into the e.u. debate did not sit well with some british politicians, like former london mayor boris johnson who wrote in an op-ed that obama was compelled to oppose the u.k. because of, quote, "the part-kenyan president's ancestral dislike of the british empire." now just to give you an idea how much of a jackass boris johnson is, here he is tackling a 10-year-old boy during a game of rugby in japan. [ audience ohs ] >> seth: the kid wasn't even in his way. [ laughter ] like he strategically tried to take him out. ultimately the case for leaving made by johnson and others is about two things, sovereignty and immigration. this may sound familiar to you. u.k. politicians on the right say immigrants from the e.u. should not be allowed to move to the u.k. and take advantage of government benefits there. johnson argues for a policy in which european immigrants, quote, "can't come here and immediately clamp your jaws
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around the teat of the benefit system." so he's not a great mayor, but he'd be even worse erotic novelist. [ light laughter ] statement's like that have given johnson a reputation as an anti-european xenophobe, a claim he pushed back against on monday in a particularly colorful way. >> i'm a child of europe. i am, as i say, a liberal cosmopolitan. i can sing the "ode to joy" in german. [ singing in german ] ♪ anyway, you know it. >> seth: no, we don't. [ laughter ] still, even the british version of donald trump is so much more civilized than ours. he can sing in german. now, this all bears some now this all bares some similarity to our current political discourse here in the u.s. throughout the world we're seeing the rise of anti-immigrant right-wing strain of isolationism. whether it's in the rise of donald trump or the british movement to leave the e.u., it's best summed up by one of the u.k.'s strongest anti-european leaders, nigel farage the leader of the u.k. independence party, who said this about obama urging british citizens to stay in the e.u.
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>> who cares what they want? it doesn't matter. it's what we want actually that matters. i'd rather he stayed in washington, if that's what he's going to do. i mean, come on. you wouldn't expect the british prime minister to intervene in your presidential election. >> seth: actually, we wouldn't mind, because i don't know if you've been too busy with your boat naming but over here it's the u.s.s. [bleep] show. sorry, shite show. this has been "a keener glance." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with kaley cuoco. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hey siri, read my note, thank you speech.
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your note from today says: thank you speech oh-my-gosh. so many people to thank. mom... dad... david... my kids, watching this at home - you should be asleep right now! pause for laughter. ah, okay, they're playing me off. thank you so much! i'll be a lot more natural. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ help you experience this world?
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i'm glad you finally made it, dad. you have to experience this city. that's what you always say. you were right about the food. hi john. hey kevin. spent the day with an astronaut, huh. one more. one more. it's beautiful, isn't it? how about a baseball game next time? done! done. book priceless experiences around the globe with your world mastercard. only at priceless.com/world nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? sfx:message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. the cruze offers up to an epa estimated 42 mpg highway. sfx:message sent this car is like a unicorn. it's magical! (group laughing) just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is.
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now we're going to show you how degree dry spray is different. degree dry spray. degree. it won't let you down. start boldly with the [ apple that bites back. redd's wicked apple. it's about to get wicked.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night", everybody. and please give it up for 8g band right over there. best band in late night. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight and all week, to sit in on drums with the 8g band, from the grammy award-winning rock band, stone temple pilots. eric kretz is here. [ cheers and applause ] be sure to check out their second studio album, "purple," which has sold 6 million albums and features the huge hits, "vaseline" and "interstate love song." thank you so much for being here. i really appreciate it. >> you got it.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is an actress who you know from her role as penny on the hit cbs comedy, "the big bang theory." the show's season finale airs thursday night. let's take a look. >> so listen, i don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but i kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time. [ laughter ] >> wait, we're going to get married again? >> yeah, kind of, and now, we can invite our friends and family. >> seems like a lot of trouble for a hug. [ laughter ] >> come on, it'll be fun. and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one. >> well, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. and also, we don't like her. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome to the show, kaley cuoco. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how are you? [ cheers ] >> awesome! >> seth: so good to have you
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here. >> thank you. i'm so happy to be here. >> seth: nine, nine seasons. congratulations. >> that's a lot of years. >> seth: it's a lot of years. >> yeah. >> seth: you're coming up on a decade. how does it feel to finish nine seasons of anything? >> feels nine years older. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah, it's a lot of years. >> seth: it's still fun? you must be still having a good time. >> so much fun. you know, we really -- we really do have a good time. we like each other. we want to be there longer. we're -- you don't think it's going to get to this point, you know? >> seth: yeah. >> each year, we still come in after an episode and say, "did anyone watch the show last night?" we do. we get that excited. so it's awesome. >> seth: this was very exciting and very deserving. it made sense for you guys to be there, because there was a night honoring james burrows who had created "cheers," and there are all these cast of iconic shows. you guys were there, the whole cast. >> yes. >> seth: what was the most exciting -- who were the most exciting people for you to meet? >> well, for me -- okay, so i grew up with "friends." >> seth: yeah. >> that was my show. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm kind of, like, a secret, crazy, obsessed jennifer aniston fan. i know a lot of people are.
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>> seth: i feel like, yeah, you're not alone, but -- >> so, she was there. >> seth: yeah. >> and we were -- her table was very close to my table, so my sister and i kept, like, looking at her. and i told my sister, i'm like, "you know what? this has to be my moment." >> seth: yeah. >> "i have to go introduce myself." and my sister was so cute. she's like, "she probably, like, knows who you are." i'm like, "no, she doesn't, she doesn't, she doesn't." [ laughter ] "but i'm going to go, i'm going to go." so, i get up to go introduce myself. i'm like, "i'm gonna do this." and there is, like, a line full of people, because they all want to meet her. >> seth: yeah. >> and she's talking, talking, talking. so, i'm standing in line getting more nervous, more nervous, more nervous. and finally, i get to the front of the line, and she's facing away from me and, i'm, like, ready to just die. i don't know what i'm going to say. i don't know what i'm going to say to her. i've never felt this way, ever. and she turns around, and she literally goes like this. "kaley!" >> seth: oh, my god. >> no, no, no, no, no, you guys -- [ laughter ] >> seth: now, was there a chance there was another kaley behind you? >> no, it was me. it was me. it was me. [ laughter ] don't take this away from me, seth. >> seth: okay, okay. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, anyway, so she says, "kaley." and it was, like, the skies opened up, and she smelled like a garden.
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>> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> it was everything i dreamed it would be. >> seth: yeah, i've met her before. she smells fantastic. [ laughter ] >> doesn't she smell amazing? >> seth: and you know -- you immediately know, "oh, this is a not on attainable smell for normal people." [ laughter ] >> you cannot buy that perfume. >> seth: yeah, that's not like, "where did you get that?" >> no. it is an essence. >> seth: and this is a pretty awesome picture? >> yeah, so i had, like, my cast come over. >> seth: yeah, look at that. >> i'm like, "you guys, we've got to get this photo." [ applause ] look how crazy i am. i know courtney a little bit. courtney's amazing. look at me. i'm, like, literally strangling her. i was so happy. >> seth: because nobody else's heads were touching another person's head. [ laughter ] you did not appreciate what the frame was. you had a lot of space. you could have been way over there. >> i needed to be touching. >> seth: still friends? are you still friends with aniston? how's that going? >> she -- it took a lot for me to not ask for her phone number. >> seth: yeah, that's for the best. that would have been a little creepy. >> it would have been a little creepy. i wanted to, and so i didn't, but i'm still thinking she's probably looking to for mine.
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>> seth: yeah, that's probably it. [ laughter ] you guys will find each other eventually. >> she'll find me. i know she's concerned about it. >> seth: absolutely. >> so, she'll find me. >> seth: so, i have to ask about this, because your show is not just on here once a week. it's in syndication. it's on all the time. it's on airplanes. >> yes. >> seth: it's on foreign countries. >> yes. >> seth: so everyone knows you guys. do they feel a freedom, especially after nine years, to just walk up and approach you and talk to you? >> you know, there is an insane comfort level that is shocking. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and i think because even if you don't like our show, you know about our show. like you said, you're on a plane. you're forced to watch us. or you're jumping off. >> seth: right. >> there's not much you can do. >> seth: i think, like, when they put people under for surgery, they say, "we're gonna just put on 'the big bang theory'." >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: "just watch this. you'll be" -- >> yeah, no, exactly. so there is a comfort where people -- it's amazing. we've built these characters to be -- you know, for people to feel comfortable around us, and so, i get a lot of people that feel the need to touch me and hug me. >> seth: gotcha. >> i have a lot of fans in
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prison. >> seth: really? >> yes. >> seth: how do you know that? >> "big bang" does great in the prisons. >> seth: really? >> it's, like, number one apparently. >> seth: wow! >> dvd sales are, like, flying. >> seth: how does a prison community reach out to you? >> get a lot of mail. >> seth: really? >> yes. >> seth: prison mail. >> a lot of prison mail. [ laughter ] >> seth: wow. >> a lot of prison mail -- >> seth: now, respectful letters? how do -- how are prisoners -- >> some are slightly graphic. >> seth: yeah. >> i probably shouldn't show a lot of them, but they -- >> seth: they're like, "we love science." [ laughter ] >> yeah, maybe, yeah. you know, i told them, i feel the need to let them know that i got their letters. >> seth: that's nice. >> and i'm just -- >> seth: so you write back? >> i don't write back. >> seth: okay. >> that might be a little -- >> seth: you're letting them know now? >> letting them know now. >> seth: well, i hope we're on in prison. [ laughter ] gentlemen, let me just say that we also have a mailbox. [ laughter ] >> only "big bang." "big bang" does great in the prisons, yeah. we're definitely number one. >> seth: well, when they heard they got "big bang", they thought it was a totally different show -- >> they do -- [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: and they are probably writing to say, "this is false advertising!"
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>> that is probably -- you're right. you are right. yes. >> seth: um, i want to ask you this, because you do a show for nine years. >> yes. >> seth: and they make you do stuff, i guess you might not have been psyched about. >> yeah. >> seth: this is something they made you do on the show. you were -- is that actually like -- >> so yes, we did an episode where my character got this movie called, "serial apist." >> seth: okay. >> she is, of course -- >> seth: yeah. >> half ape, half woman. >> seth: sure, yeah. >> so i had to do this for about a week. >> seth: this too. >> you know what was great about this? they actually gave me about a month's head notice, and i just stopped shaving. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, that's good. >> so it just became this. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. >> so they didn't even have to -- >> seth: so that's not any -- oh, that's great. >> that is just -- they gave me a little heads notice and no makeup was required. >> seth: do you know what kind of hair was it? was it actual monkey hair? >> it was -- it was mean hair. >> seth: yeah. >> it itched, and it was horrible, and i was very upset about it. >> seth: well -- >> it was not okay. >> seth: i would like to ask you about something else you got upset about, which i think is
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fantastic, because i'm also a big fan of my sibling. your sister was on "the voice?" she was a contestant on "the voice?" >> yes, she was. >> seth: and she did great. >> she did a great job. she got through a couple rounds. >> seth: a couple rounds, and then -- but when she got kicked off, you took to twitter, and you sort of unloaded on blake shelton. [ laughter ] >> you know, i just really had to go to bat for my sister there. she was living all my dreams on that show. >> seth: that's what -- you would rather be voicing it than anything else? >> oh, my god. her sing -- i wished i was on the stage. >> seth: would you make it through a couple of rounds? >> i mean, if blake didn't see my tweets. he'll see them after that. [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, yes, he should. but it was such a blast, and i it was so amazing. i know i've been in this business for a long time, but still, things shocked me. that show is very real. >> seth: really? >> i mean, we were, like -- >> seth: do the chairs actually turn? >> the chairs turn. >> seth: wow. >> and they actually drink sodas. >> seth: wow. >> yeah. >> seth: so it's not all cgi. >> it was amazing. >> seth: wow. >> they actually drank sodas. >> seth: so, what did you mean by that? you're, like, out? you're with your family? >> yes, so they brought my family in. i mean, i'm talking, like, ten hours ahead of time, and each
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family of the contestant was in a separate room. and you couldn't see what was going on, so each contestant couldn't see each other. we had to be hidden. and then, my sister would be taken to the front, and then, we'd get pushed to another secret room, and then, like, there was carson daly, and he was, like, sitting there. and then all of a sudden, she's on the screen, you look up and she's singing. and then, you're waiting, you're like, "oh, my god, i'm going to die." like, it's crazy. and i started crying. then she got through. it was the best day of my life. >> seth: wow. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: that's fantastic. >> it was really cool. >> seth: that's great. >> it was really cool. >> seth: and blake shelton had to screw it all up. >> i know. i know. you know what? he's another number i need to get. >> seth: okay, great. [ laughter ] >> him and jen aniston. >> seth: jen aniston. or you know what we do? we just give his address to all your friends in prison. >> oh, that's a great idea. [ laughter ] after the show, go on the website, and i'm gonna write that down for you guys. >> seth: there you go. you can write to him, and explain about the title of "big bang." >> yes. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. i really appreciate it. >> thank you. >> seth: give it up for kaley cuoco, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the season finale of "the big bang theory" airs thursday night. we'll be right back with michael ian black. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ] ♪ when josh atkins books at laquinta.com.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a best-selling author, comedian, and actor who you know from "the jim gaffigan show" and "wet hot american summer." his latest standup special, "noted expert", airs this friday on epix. please welcome back to the show, michael ian black. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back. >> thank you. nice to be here. i brought you a present. >> seth: oh, okay. >> i heard you had a kid or something. >> seth: i did. >> and -- >> seth: six weeks -- six weeks old. >> i didn't ask. and -- [ laughter ] i know that as a parent, when people would give gifts to my kids when they were babies, what would happen is they would always buy gifts for newborns. like -- >> seth: yes. >> clothes for newborns. >> seth: that is true. >> and it was always annoying, because they outgrow them so fast. >> seth: yes. >> so i got your son an outfit
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that he can grow into, and i hope you like it. >> seth: oh, wow, that's very nice. and i this -- what's this bag from? >> we just had that downstairs in the basement. [ light laughter ] >> seth: what are these? >> that's my -- [ laughter ] so these are jeans. >> seth: okay. >> now, those are -- i should say those are my jeans. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> and i got a little -- i gained a little weight and they don't fit me anymore. >> seth: okay. >> so i thought your son could maybe grow into those. >> seth: okay. >> that's a t-shirt. >> seth: uh-huh. uh, okay that's -- [ laughter ] that's a "late night" t-shirt. >> yeah, i got this the last time i was here. >> seth: okay, yeah. >> never worn. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] that's great. thank you. >> so that's good. >> seth: okay. >> socks. >> seth: these are adult socks. great. thank you. oh, i don't know if we would need underwear. [ laughter ] >> well, he's going to be toilet trained at some point. but you know, so -- >> seth: that's right. why am i being so pessimistic about that? >> right. and then i got him my book. >> seth: oh, that's a book. your book -- >> "navel gazing: true tales of bodies, mostly mine (but also my mom's, which i know sounds weird)." >> seth: is this a children's
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book? >> no. >> seth: oh, it's not. >> no. >> seth: so this is a book that you wrote, and what is this book about? >> it's a lot about my mom's health issues. i thought your son might like it. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] so now, would you read this as a bedtime story? >> you could. you know, i'll just flip open and see. um -- "ultimately, wasn't impressing my wife and by extension the entire female population, the point of this endeavor?" i mean, i don't know if that's something that your kid would like or not, but -- [ light laughter ] >> seth: i might not jump right into it. >> right. >> seth: but this is also exciting. you are writing a children's book. and you're writing a children's book -- you've written children's books before. >> many. >> seth: but this one is about -- it's a donald trump children's book. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> seth: and this is -- now, is this a book -- a children's book for donald trump? is it for your kids about donald trump? >> okay, it's called "a child's first book of trump." >> seth: okay. >> and the intention is for -- if you need to explain to your children what a trump is -- >> seth: ah. [ laughter ] >> this book can help you out. >> seth: gotcha. because i'm assuming a lot of parents have to explain that
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now. >> yeah, because it -- yes. you could end up with that. >> seth: so this is an actual page from your actual trump children's book. [ laughter ] >> so there's -- >> seth: yeah. >> now, i should say -- [ laughter and applause ] the illustrator's name is mark rosenthal. he's fantastic. i'll read it for you. "the beasty is called an american trump. its skin is bright orange, its figure is plump. its fur so complex you might get enveloped. its hands are sadly underdeveloped." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: do one more, do one more for us. >> okay. "now where does it live? on flat-screen tvs. it rushes towards every camera it sees. it thrives in the most contentious conditions and excretes the most appalling emissions." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. now when is this book available? >> it comes out in july, but you can preorder it right now! >> seth: right now? on amazon? >> go to amazon! preorder the hell out of it! >> seth: preorder it. [ applause ] that's fantastic. very helpful.
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now, this -- we were -- you have two children. >> i do. >> seth: married. your special -- you talk about your family in your special, in your stand-up special. >> i do. >> seth: do you have a line as a comedian as far as what you will talk about with your family? >> here's my line. i say to my wife and kids, "do you like to eat? [ laughter ] you like living in this nice house? then shut your [ bleep ] damn mouths." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a good line. so obviously, you're weighing everything very carefully. >> yeah, i'm very considerate of their feelings. [ laughter ] >> seth: you are on jim gaffigan's show. >> yeah. thank you guys so much. [ laughter ] they love it. clearly they love it. [ applause ] >> seth: i didn't leave enough air for the applause break. now, you -- do you enjoy watching yourself as an actor? >> no! >> seth: you don't. >> i don't want myself ever. >> seth: ever. from the beginning? >> never. >> seth: wow. >> because in my head, when i'm acting, like, i look different
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than when i see myself on tv. >> seth: what do you look like in your head? >> i'm maybe -- i have a whole person in my head that i call bruce whitehall. >> seth: okay. >> who is about 6'2." rangy. i think he's a rower. [ light laughter ] you know? i think he rows. >> seth: so like back muscles? >> huge ba -- but, here's the key. doesn't flaunt it. you know what i mean? if he's at the beach and he happens to go in the water, what? [ laughter ] bruce whitehall? i had no idea. and he's like, "i don't even -- i don't even know where these abs come from." he knows where they come from. >> seth: the rowing. [ light laughter ] >> so that's what i imagine in my head when i'm acting. i don't look anything like that. and it's always upsetting when i see myself on tv. >> seth: gotcha. >> like, i can see myself on tv right now, and i don't look anything like that. >> seth: no, that is not the man you just described. that is not bruce whitehall. >> you're much closer to bruce whitehall than i -- take off your shirt. >> seth: okay.
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[ cheers ] >> why shouldn't seth take off his shirt? >> seth: and that's when they found out about seth's complicated girdle system. [ laughter ] what? now, this -- i know you probably can't say much about this. you were in the great film "wet hot american summer." >> uh-huh. [ cheers ] >> seth: then -- >> thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: then excellent "wet hot" prequel series on netflix. and now it's been announced there's going to be another netflix series. >> a second season. that's right. "wet hot american summer" -- [ cheers and applause ] thanks, guys. "wet hot american summer", ten years later. so it takes place in the early '90s. >> seth: so the first movie was early '80s. the series was right before. >> you're really good at math. [ light laughter ] >> seth: i did that so fast. >> the movie and tv series were early '80s. this is ten years later, early '90s. >> seth: okay, that's fantastic. >> yeah. >> seth: so you guys still, though, are so much older than you would be -- >> that's right. part of the joke of the entire thing is when we first made the movie, we were all close to 30 playing 15, 16, 17 years old.
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then when we did the tv series 15 years later we were in our 40s playing the exact same ages as when we made the movie. [ laughter ] now we're also in our 40s but playing in our early 20s. >> seth: you get a little ten-year cushion. that'll be nice. thank you so much for being here. i can't wait for that. always great to see "gaffigan show." can't wait to see the special. >> thanks. >> seth: congrats on the books. >> i hope your son enjoys the gifts. >> seth: absolutely. and i will definitely be preordering him the trump book. so thank you for being here. >> thanks, seth! >> seth: michael ian black, everybody. "noted expert" airs friday night on epix and "the jim gaffigan show" returns june 19th on tvland. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody! here at the show we believe that no matter how different two things are, they can still have common ground. and to prove it, it's time once again for "venn diagrams." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you guys remember "venn diagrams." we take two seemingly separate groups and find out what they have in common. first up, on one side, we have mother's day brunch. on the other side, we have a straitjacket. [ laughter ] in the middle, we have things you can't get out of. [ laughter ] moving on. on one side, we have a giant oak tree. on the other side, we have beyonce. and in the middle, we have throwing mad shade. [ laughter and applause ] moving on, one side we have donald trump. on the other side, we have a defective clock. in the middle, we have two little hands. [ laughter and applause ] moving on. on one side, we have the musical "hamilton." on the other side, we have an italian family reunion.
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in the middle, we have lots of tonys. [ laughter and applause ] "you know my cousin tony? that's my cousin tony. that's my uncle tony." moving on, on one side, we have self-driving cars. on the other side, we have hand lotion. in the middle, we have things that help you masturbate. [ laughter and applause ] "got myself a self-driving car. it's pretty good." [ laughter ] moving on. on one side, we have el chapo. on the other side we have el chapo's new jail cell. and in the middle we have -- and there he goes. [ laughter ] you cannot hold him. you cannot hold him. and finally, on one side, we have sea world. on the other side, we have magic mike live. and in the middle, we have the first few rows will get wet. [ laughter and applause ] that's "venn diagrams." we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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it's beautiful. put this on our homepage now. can i have three tickets for "onions" please? this was like seeing the onion on a molecular level. this is talent. why are we not representing it? ¡tan bonitas! 4k on an iphone, wake up people! and the winner is... "onions." [cheering] ♪ it's all about getting to the dunkin' quicker. man: i smell dunkin'. ♪ delicious dunkin' donuts coffee. pick some up where you buy groceries. try our k-cup pods today. america runs on dunkin'. nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? sfx:message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest has written the critically-acclaimed novels "mr. fox" and "boy, snow, bird." her collection of short stories, "what is not yours is not yours", is available in bookstores now. please welcome to the show, helen oyeyemi. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome. i'm so happy to have you here. >> oh, thank you. >> seth: i really enjoyed the book. and this is a series of short stories, and one of the themes that runs through it all is keys, both literal and metaphorical. what is it about keys that drew you to write about them so much in this collection?
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>> oh, many things, many things. i wrote a book called "mr. fox", which is a bluebeard retelling. and keys are actually central to bluebeard. but i knew that i was going to have some stuff to say about keys so i separated it out for a separate book, which is this. >> seth: so you just knew you had enough on keys to fill a whole book? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you have that much arrogance about your key game? >> kind of, kind of. >> seth: there's also -- if there's another thing that sort of finds its way into this book, it's puppets. puppets, was that another thing that you were always drawn to? >> no, puppets found me by accident. so, i'd written the first story -- >> seth: that sounds like a horror movie. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: your next book should be called "puppets found me." >> by accident. i had written the first story and i was almost -- i felt like, "oh, is that all that i have to say about keys?" then i came across this amazing book about "puppets: an essay on the uncanny." >> seth: okay. >> by kenneth gross. and it was all about -- it was all about puppets, and i suppose about the lives of inanimate objects. and it got me thinking in all these different ways and it gave
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me the rest of the book, in a way. >> seth: and now, are you good at puppetry at all? >> no. >> seth: no. [ light laughter ] so even though you wrote a whole book on puppets --? >> no, i think it was enough to just read it. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, that's enough. you didn't have to go forward with more puppet stuff. now you've written novels before. a collection of short stories, is that harder, easier, does it change the process for you? >> i think it's about the same. >> seth: okay. >> yeah. i find both equally hard. but i found the short stories more fun. >> seth: i'm glad. so they are more fun? >> they are more fun, because i got more chances to try different styles. >> seth: well, that -- it was interesting for me, because i have not read your novels, so i did not quite -- like, i guess the first story was your style, and then it changed throughout. that must be really fun as a writer to do that. >> it is. and it's great because, like, i read so many different styles of books so i got to play with lots of different ideas and sort of be in conversation with different writers that i love. >> seth: and now, is this something -- i've heard you don't write outlines before you write. so how do you go about actually -- when you start putting pen to
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paper, like how far into the process are you? >> i usually have a bunch of characters and then i have an idea of when i'm going to stop telling the story and then i just have to figure out the middle. >> seth: that seems to be a very simple way of laying it out. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: well, here's the hardest part of writing is the middle, wouldn't you say? >> i agree. >> seth: when you were young, what was -- when did you know you wanted to be a writer? what was the impetus for you taking this on as a career? >> i think it was probably when i realized i could change other people's stories. >> seth: how so when you say change other people's stories? >> so, i was obsessed with "little women" by louisa may alcott. and when beth died, i just couldn't take it. >> seth: okay. >> and literally, i was -- >> seth: spoiler alert. [ laughter ] beth doesn't make it, if you're in the middle of "little women." we apologize. >> i couldn't handle it. >> seth: so how old are you when you can't handle -- >> i must have been about eight. >> seth: okay, so you're eight, you're reading "little women," beth dies, you can't handle it. so what did you do? >> and i just crossed it out and wrote "no, she lived!" [ laughter ]
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and then when jo didn't get married to laurie, i was like, "no, they got married." and so it was just about being in denial, i guess. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's fantastic. it must have been an awkward interaction with the librarian when you returned the book. >> yes. [ light laughter ] they were library books. everyone was very angry. but also they didn't understand. [ laughter ] they just didn't understand. >> seth: those fools, they never understood you. this is amazing to me. you're 31 years old. this was your sixth book and there were five novels before this. >> yeah, yeah. >> seth: so does that mean that you write incredibly fast? [ light laughter ] >> not really. i just sort of get ideas. i try to stop having ideas, but they just keep coming. i end up reading something and then i end up writing something. and that's how it happens. >> seth: so is it mostly as being a reader that inspires you the most to write? >> yeah. that's always -- always the problem. >> seth: do other writers hate you, because you've written so many books and you're only 31? >> i think they might hate me because i'm awful. like, but that's different. >> seth: oh that is different. yeah, yeah, yeah. that's totally different. >> yeah. >> seth: and you mentioned, you
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know, when you say you sort of found that puppetry book, like, how do you find the books that inspire you? like, i -- a lot of things would have to happen for me to all of a sudden be reading a book on puppetry. [ light laughter ] a lot of things -- like a lot would have to go wrong. [ laughter ] but how do you -- how does a writer like you find different things to read? how does that -- >> it all seems like a random process. i feel like the puppet book was a gift that just fell on my lap, because i was really thinking of -- i was looking for ways to talk about keys and it just came to me. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's fantastic. you are living a magical life. >> yes, i am. [ laughter ] >> seth: you really are. that's fantastic. and there is really a wonderful bit of fairy tale in this book as well. and i really just enjoyed reading it so much. and it's such a pleasure to meet you. so thank you so much for coming on the show. >> thank you. >> seth: give it up for helen oyeyemi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "what is not yours is not yours" is available in book stores now. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to kaley cuoco, michael ian black, helen oyeyemi, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] eric kretz and, of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. i'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ >> carson: hey, everybody! good evening. welcome to "last call." i'm carson daly coming at you from 97.1 amp radio with tonight's show. we got a good one. the music tonight is plague vendor. we'll do that from the troubadour. our spotlight, we're gonna shine

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