tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC September 30, 2016 11:34pm-12:38am EDT
he tapped it in for the 8-yard score. that's all they needed. st. joseph hangs on for the 14-6 win. >> this is a young football team. you know, we've got three seniors on d, two on o. we were scrambling most of the time, but i give them credit tonight. they found a way to win in the fourth quarter. >> we appreciate all you watching out there. that's all for this edition of the nbc10 news at 11:00. up next, it's "the tonight show" with jimmy fallon. good night. see you next time. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- nathan lane. james marsden. comedian nikki glaser.
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 545. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much! hey! wow! that is a hot crowd right there. that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] i feel the love right there. welcome, everybody. welcome! welcome to "the tonight show!" this is it. you made it. [ cheers and applause ]
you're the show. thank you so much for being here. well, here's what people are talking about. it's a pretty big deal. for the first time in its 34-year history, "usa today" weighed in on the presidential race to say donald trump is unfit to be president. [ cheers and applause ] i guess "usa today" thinks if trump wins, there won't be a a usa tomorrow. [ laughter and applause ] the big story out today is that trump continues to lash out against a former miss universe, tweeting in the middle of the night that people should check out her sex tape. americans were like, that's okay, but thanks for letting us know what you were doing last night. [ laughter and applause ] we're good. and get this, a new report found that donald trump wanted to fire waitresses at one of his golf courses because he didn't find them attractive enough. so it looks like hillary's not the only candidate who's had problems with a server. [ laughter and applause ] i heard about that. i didn't read the full story.
i didn't read the full story. >> steve: full story. it's crazy. >> jimmy: meanwhile, msnbc announced it will be doing all-day coverage for tuesday's vice presidential debate. that's right. a full day covering mike pence and tim kaine. even the weather channel is like, that sounds brutal. [ laughter and applause ] wow, all day? okay. i saw that hillary clinton held a rally in iowa yesterday and afterwards, her campaign drove voters to polling stations for early voting, which is actually just a nice way of saying, kidnapping. that's sweet, though. [ applause ] either way. speaking of sweet, i thought this was kind of sweet. i read about a 98-year-old vermont republican who wrote a a letter to hillary clinton to tell her that he's voting for her. of course, the mailbox he put it in was actually a birdhouse, but still he doesn't know. [ laughter and applause ] he's 98. mailing this letter to hillary clinton. very loud. >> steve: yeah.
>> earlier this week, bernie sanders said that he and hillary clinton reached an agreement on a tuition-free college plan for families earning less than $125,000 a year. [ cheers and applause ] then he added, by agreement, i mean, she basically stole my idea. [ light laughter ] but yeah. we agree. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, sure. on wednesday, bernie sanders actually campaigned with hillary for the first time since july, at one point, he seemed to get distracted by something. take a look at this. >> come together, knowing we are stronger together to come up with specific policies in education, in health and so much more. >> jimmy: i mean, that's just -- he has everyone's phone number and he even gets -- and the camera cut to it. >> steve: the camera caught it. >> jimmy: there's a camera over his lap. i know. the whole thing. >> steve: oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: cameras are everywhere, man. drones, dude. >> steve: they are everywhere. >> jimmy: i'm telling you. >> steve: drone, man. drone it up. >> jimmy: drone, man. and finally, here's a little tech news i read about, a new robot called ipal that's
designed to take care of children. i had something like that growing up too, it was called a a television, and it was very fun. guys, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: drone, man. >> steve: drone it up. >> jimmy: nah, man. guys, coming back again next week, on monday, emily blunt will be here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: >> jimmy: oh, we love emily blunt. and we're going to play a game of "box of lies." then later next week it's a a great week, john goodman will be here. ashton kutcher will be here. ben affleck will be here and tyler perry will all be joining us. [ cheers and applause ] great music. great -- next week is a a fantastic week for music. we have performances from chance the rapper, empire of
the sun, norah jones, green day, and van morrison! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: that's nuts. >> jimmy: drones, man. >> steve: drones, man. >> jimmy: put your money in drones. >> steve: drone it up. >> jimmy: trust me, man. >> steve: drones are the future. >> jimmy: don't get me upset tonight, you know? i'm telling you, man. >> steve: why's that? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i lost my train of thought. >> steve: 'cause of the drones. >> jimmy: oh, no, i remember. drones. >> jimmy: but first, we have a a great show tonight. he's currently starring on broadway in "the front page," and he has a new children's book coming out, the hilarious nathan lane is here. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "naughty mabel." the "naughty mabel" series. it's super cute. it's super cute about his dog. >> steve: i love nathan lane. he's the best. >> jimmy: he is the greatest. he's a great actor, super funny. he also comes and has a a gazillion jokes and i just -- i almost don't have to do anything. >> steve: you sit there and you go please. >> jimmy: he's the greatest. he's the greatest guest to
have. i love him so much. and then nathan and i are coming on, we always force him to play a game or do stuff, he doesn't like it. but, we're going to force him. not really, he loves it. we're going to play a game of "fast family feud." that's right. [ cheers and applause ] this gentleman, hot. this gentleman is hot! [ cheers ] he stars in the new hbo series, "westworld," big buzz around that one, my man james marsden is dropping by. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and we have fantastic stand-up from comedian nikki glaser tonight. [ cheers and applause ] i know nikki's fantastic. i'm happy she's here. you guys, a cool thing happened to me the other day. willie nelson was in town. yeah. and he's always on tour. and he invited me to come see his show and it was awesome. if you get a chance, go see willie nelson in concert. it is unbelievable. he is just fantastic.
so i went and i loved it. but not only that, i actually got to hang out with him on his tour bus. [ laughter ] right before the show. and talk to him for a little bit. and i think there was like a a drone in the bus or something like that, because they taped the whole thing. >> steve: the whole thing's taped. via drone. >> jimmy: we taped the whole thing. it's pretty interesting. check out this. >> jimmy: willie nelson, thank you so much for having me on the tour bus before the show. i mean, this is awesome. tour bus looks great. i guess this makes it very easy to go on the road again. [ light laughter ] what are you going to do tonight? you're going to do, "always on my mind," right? "blue eyes crying in the rain?" "whiskey river?" yeah. of course, come on, do it with me -- ♪ to all the girls i've loved before ♪
[ light laughter ] yeah. anyway, i was thinking maybe after the show, we can go get something to eat, maybe get some italian. chinese? thai? you're right. let's just wing it. well, i should probably get going. your show's about to start. this was fun. not much of a talker, are you? [ laughter and applause ] [ coughing ] >> how about mexican? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you to our pal, willie nelson! [ cheers and applause ] oh, we love willie nelson. his latest album, "for the good times: a tribute to ray price" is out now.
and you can pick up his new holiday novel, "pretty paper" on october, 25th. stick around we'll be back with "thank you notes," everybody. willie! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ get the new iphone on us when you switch to at&t and have directv. ♪ oh ♪ with a little bit of uh uh, and a little bit of ♪ ♪ i said, it's getting hot in herre ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, guys. it's a big weekend. this weekend is the big roots picnic weekend -- >> questlove: absolutely. >> jimmy: over in -- yeah. >> questlove: bryant park. >> jimmy: central park. >> questlove: bryant park. >> jimmy: yeah, this is a -- this is in bryant park? >> questlove: bryant park. >> jimmy: bryant park. are tickets still available? >> questlove: maybe, for the second show. >> jimmy: second show, try to sneak in, get tickets, go see the roots. it is unbelievable. everybody showing up this to this thing. they've been rehearsing all week. >> questlove: yeah, true. >> jimmy: i mean, you were here probably last night or the night before until like 4:00 a.m. yeah, i mean, really, they go for it. so really, we had said go see willie nelson live. but, go see the roots live, support these guys. [ cheers and applause ] roots picnic, bryant park. bryant park this weekend. check it out. welcome back, everybody. well, today is friday. that's usually when i catch up
with some personal stuff. i check my inbox. i return some e-mails, and of course i send out "thank you notes." and i was just wondering -- [ cheers and applause ] running behind, so i thought if you wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly "thank you notes" right now, i'm sorry, that you don't write them out higgins. but, i do. >> steve: no, you do. but that's all right. >> jimmy: james, can i get some "thank you note" -- >> steve: oh, he blinked. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: james, can i get some "thank you note" writing music, please? ♪ >> steve: now he's back. >> jimmy: he's always in the best mood. >> steve: you know what he's always cute. >> jimmy: you know -- he's holding his breath like willie nelson. >> steve: like willie nelson. >> jimmy: willie nelson. i know. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: drone. >> jimmy: drone. thank you, james. ♪ "thank you, lester holt at the debate, for reminding us what
it's like to be a kid in the back of a car while your parents are arguing." [ laughter and applause ] sorry. hold on. let's change the subject. ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you, bobbing for apples, for being the most festive way to water board yourself." [ laughter and applause ] i'll give you the codes. ♪ "thank you, tissue boxes, for either giving me one tissue or 30." [ laughter and applause ] ♪ "thank you, croutons, for being like the lucky charms marshmallows of salad." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: they're magically delicious. ♪ >> jimmy: "thank you,
restaurants that automatically add an 18% gratuity. i was going to leave you 20%, but that's what you get for being sneaky." [ laughter and applause ] ♪ "thank you, rakes, but i got to be honest. you ain't nothing but a fancy hoe." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: indeed! >> jimmy: good day to you, sir! >> jimmy: fancy hoe! [ talking over each other ] [ slap ] [ slap ] [ slap ] [ laughter ] >> steve: your leather gauntlet. drone. ♪
>> jimmy: "thank you, candy corn, for finding a way to ruin both candy and corn." there you go. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] those are my "thank you notes." we'll be right back with nathan lane! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ inthousands ofk barrels lay silent aging, building a fuller smoother flavor that only comes from being aged four long years at jim beam our history is made from the inside how will you make yours? now try jim beam apple poured over ice and serve with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge to make a crisp, refreshing jim beam apple and soda. with another new flavor you never saw coming...
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an emmy and tony award-winning actor who's currently starring on broadway in "the front page" at the broadhurst theater. he also has a new children's book coming out this tuesday called "naughty mabel sees it all." this is the sequel to "naughty mabel" which -- this is the first one, there. this is "naughty mabel sees it all", it's super cute. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome nathan lane! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
♪ >> jimmy: new york loves you. oh, my goodness, nathan lane. >> and i love you. i must say, it is such a a pleasure to be here and it's always an honor to be played on by the roots. >> jimmy: yes. >> jimmy: but i think it -- you know what it is? it's the fall. i love fall in new york. >> jimmy: you do? [ cheers and applause ] >> you know. >> jimmy: it is magical. >> i know. that's when i know it's time to clean out the panic room, call uber for a hay ride, and then i switch over to pumpkin spiced xanax. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, it's just that time of year. it's that time of year. >> it's great to be back -- [ sniffing ] because i love appearing on your show. [ sniffing ] >> jimmy: you do, yeah. >> i'm sorry. >> jimmy: it's okay. >> i seem to have caught whatever donald trump had during the debate. >> jimmy: oh, my god. [ light laughter ] yeah, i head about -- i'm so sorry you have that.
>> oh, boy. sorry. >> jimmy: what was that? that was -- did you watch the debate? you must have. >> well, sure, 84 million people watched the debate. they watched a bloated piece of candy corn yell at a sick woman with lipstick on her teeth. [ laughter ] and it was the second highest rated program of all time. >> jimmy: it was. >> passing the "seinfeld" finale. which makes sense, because both shows were about nothing. [ light laughter ] but you know, i love -- [ applause ] i love that trump blamed the microphone for his poor performance. he finally ran out of ethnic groups to blame and went on to inanimate objects. [ laughter and applause ] but, look -- look, in 38 days, there's a a 50/50 chance donald trump could become the next president or kfc's new extra crispy colonel. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he would be a good colonel, wouldn't he? >> watching the debate was scary for me. i mean it's very tough, because as you know, i never miss "monday night football."
but the highlight -- [ laughter ] the highlight was seeing bill clinton shake hands with melania trump, because didn't you -- you got the sense that they both had the same thought, "let's run away together." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> of course -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i had that same feeling. >> of course, it's always fun to see trump's sons, uday and qusay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: his sons. >> and of course the real excitement starts next week, as you said, with the vice presidential debate. i'm going to record it and use it as a white noise machine. [ laughter ] mike pence and tim kaine, and we thought we were white. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: nathan, nathan, what happens if -- what if trump wins? >> oh, well, aside from hell freezing over? well, let's imagine that, shall we? president trump's first 100 days -- well maybe not 100. let's do the first 30 days. when he moves to the white house, the first thing he'll have to do is change his mail order bride address. [ light laughter ]
then, of course, i can see he'll pick a supreme court nominee based on a swimsuit competition. >> jimmy: yeah. >> the second week, he'll put his head on mt. rushmore and his face on the million dollar bill. [ applause ] >> jimmy: something different. >> and then i see him hanging his shirtless portrait of vladimir putin over the mantle. [ light laughter ] you know, chris christie will be part of trump's cabinet. and who's spent more time in cabinets than chris christie? [ laughter and applause ] and i love -- i'd love rudy giuliani to be secretary of state, not because he'd be good, just because i'd like -- it would be fun to hear a man with a lisp keep saying, "secretary of state." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: over and over again. >> over and over again. and then he'll nuke canada. you know. >> jimmy: of course, that goes without saying. >> for the hell of it. >> jimmy: yeah, you like fun things. this is a fun thing. >> oh. >> jimmy: "naughty mabel sees it all." >> thank you.
>> jimmy: this is the sequel. i loved the first one. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm not just saying that, because i have two little girls and i read this all the time and we loved it. it's really fun. 'cause it's a naughty little dog -- >> it comes out next week. we're very happy with it. and the real mabel, of course, who inspired it -- >> jimmy: how is the real mabel? >> well, she has been sick recently. >> jimmy: oh, i'm sorry. >> this is, it's true. she was acting strangely after i had taken her out for a walk. she was sort of bleary eyed and stumbling, and i was very upset. i rushed her to the vet, and they did some tests, and it turned out that there were strains of marijuana and pcp in her system. and that she had apparently eaten the remains of a joint on the street and was high and hallucinating. [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: that's terrible. >> now, i should have suspected something when she went to burning man. [ laughter ] but now i'm worried because she's hanging out a lot with seth rogen's dog. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's a give away. >> now when the mailman shows up, she's like, "yeah, whatever."
i think she may be dealing, because i keep finding wads of cash under her doggy bed. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> look, a friend of mine, his dog ate some viagra once, and let's just say, for four hours, he could not roll over. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just kind of stuck in one position. >> oh, yeah. i think so. >> jimmy: let's talk about the -- >> boy, can you paint a a picture. >> jimmy: thank you. [ light laughter ] i took creative writing in college. let's talk about this, "the front page." >> "the front page." >> jimmy: this is -- look at the cast here. >> it's a night of 100 stars. >> jimmy: look at the cast here. >> john slattery, john goodman, robert morse -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: how insane. >> i must say -- >> jimmy: this is over at the broadhurst theater. >> yes. it's a great, classic comedy from the '20s. it's a hilarious play and -- >> jimmy: i loved it. >> by hecht and macarthur. it's just an amazing cast and i'm really, i've been having the most fun i've had in a long time. but more importantly, i just want to discuss something with you. i want to discuss your, dare i
say, obsession with broadway. i mean, because you're at the theater almost every night. [ light laughter ] most married men hide playboys, you hide play bills. >> jimmy: i do. i make sure that they're -- >> i mean, are you going to dress up like bernadette peters again for halloween? [ light laughter ] isn't it strange that you come to my super bowl parties and i go to your tony award parties? [ light laughter ] i'll never forget when you got hysterical when kristen chenoweth left "wicked." >> jimmy: i couldn't believe it. >> cried like claire danes in "homeland." >> jimmy: i couldn't believe it. i couldn't believe it. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: i couldn't believe it was actually happening. >> and by the way, lin-manuel miranda told me to tell you to stop calling him. you can't play aaron burr. >> jimmy: why? >> but he thinks you'd make a a good newsie. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: well, that's interesting. i would try that. ♪ the headline today what's the headline today ♪ >> wow. >> jimmy: everywhere -- something? what is the song from "newsies"? ♪ the headline today what's the headline ♪ >> i've never seen "newsies." >> jimmy: me neither. i've never seen it. [ laughter ] i'm assuming it's newspaper boys. >> but, you know -- you know who was --
>> jimmy: get 'em off the truck. get 'em off the -- [ light laughter ] get 'em off the truck. get 'em off the truck. >> no, but in spite of this, you have never seen me in a a show. i mean, by my count, you've had -- >> jimmy: what? >> let's see. there were 23 wisdom teeth removed and 11 aunts died. what's holding you back from seeing me, the commute? you even waited until i left a a play to see marty short, who replaced me. that really hurt. that really hurt. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i did. i did actually see him. >> really. >> jimmy: he was fantastic. [ laughter ] he was great >> of course he is. he's a genius. >> jimmy: oh, before you leave -- >> yes? >> jimmy: can we force you to play a game? >> oh, now, listen, i'll play a a game with you but you have to promise to be nice, jimmy. >> jimmy: i am nice. i'm always nice. >> jimmy: not jimmy who's like a kid on christmas morning getting a pony. not competitive jimmy who's like a former cia assassin. [ laughter ] whose eyes glaze over like a a shark taking its first bite. i need nice jimmy. >> jimmy: i will be nice jimmy. >> because, listen, i'm not
used to playing parlor games. i came from a family, their idea of entertainment was drinking until they couldn't pronounce their own names and passing out. [ light laughter ] we did not play charades and parcheesi. there was -- there was vicious recrimination and a lot of alcohol. >> jimmy: let's do this. let's do this. when we come back, nathan lane and i are playing "fast family feud." when we get back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you work at ge? yeah, i do. you guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right? like a new language for crazy-big, world-changing machines. well, not me specifically. i work on the industrial side. so i build the world-changing machines. i get it. you can't talk because it's super high-level. no, i actually do build the machines. blink if what you're doing involves encrypted data transfer. wait, what? wowwww...
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back,
everybody. we're hanging out with the one and only nathan lane! [ cheers and applause ] you have to see him in the play "the front page" at the broadhurst theater. and starting tuesday, you can pick up his new children's book, "naughty mabel sees it all." nathan and i are about to play a game that's just like "family feud", only faster. it's time for "fast family feud." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ fast family feud fast family feud ♪
>> jimmy: getting warmed up. here's how it works. we're going to hear a question and whoever buzzes in first gets to answer it. you get -- if you get the number one answer, you automatically win that round. but if you don't, the other person has a chance to steal the round. you ready to play? >> yeah, let's do it. >> jimmy: whoa! [ light laughter ] you're a little competitive. >> sorry. yeah, i know. >> jimmy: very competitive, all right. we surveyed our audience and the top three answers -- this isn't even the game yet. they're on the board. let's hear the first question. >> name something you like to drink in the fall. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: apple cider. [ ding ] [ cheers ] that's the number two answer. something you like to drink in the fall. >> let's see. mulled wine. [ buzzer ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you want a popular answer. you're not going for a -- you might as well just say buttermilk. >> what was number one? >> jimmy: okay, right. sorry. [ ding ]
[ cheers and applause ] >> oh, and everyone was judgmental about mulled wine. but pumpkin spice latte? >> jimmy: i call it punkin' spice latte. >> you pretentious -- >> jimmy: stop! calm it down. i want happy, friendly nathan. >> all right, okay. >> jimmy: here we go, round two >> nice jimmy, nice nathan. >> name something that can happen to you when you laugh too hard. [ buzzer ] oh, damn! >> jimmy: crap your pants. [ laughter ] [ ding ] ♪ oh, that's close. i'll take that one. pee and poop are the same thing. [ laughter ] >> wait a minute. you know, i'm no scientist, but not -- not really. not quite exactly. >> jimmy: the judges have been drinking. i don't understand -- what was the number two -- >> you get a pain in your side. [ ding ] you cry. >> jimmy: i've been doing that. yeah. >> oh, that's true. [ ding ] snort. >> snort. >> jimmy: okay, very good. >> snort. >> jimmy: are these based on our audience, right?
[ cheers and applause ] think about that when you answer this one. >> all right. well, so far, i have not -- you've beaten me to the buzzer every time. >> jimmy: that's a good name of a game show, "beat the buzzer." >> "beat me to the buzzer." >> jimmy: "beat me to the buzzer." it's a british sitcom, "beat me to the butler." [ english accent ] there you go, once again, you've beat me to the butler. good day to you, sir! >> i said good day! >> jimmy: i said good day! >> good day! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're doing that next time you're here, "beat me to the butler," we're doing it. round three, let's hear the question. >> name a fictional creature that people want to have as a a pet. [ buzzer ] >> unicorn. [ ding ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what? how in the heck did you get that? how could you have a unicorn as a pet? where do you put it? what do you feed it? >> you know, you'd have to have a large apartment. >> jimmy: i mean, this is unbelievable. >> but it's good because you
could hang your dry cleaning on its horn. >> jimmy: that's true. just like if you have a a treadmill in the house. that's what i do. number two and three, what are those? [ ding ] dragon. [ ding ] >> pokemon. >> jimmy: that's good. i was going to say, gremlin. don't they seem like fun? >> yeah. >> jimmy: pokemon. all right. final round. this is it. this is for everything. whoever wins this wins the whole thing. >> wow. >> jimmy: let's hear the question here. >> name another word for "kiss." >> name another word for "kiss." [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: smooch >> smooch. [ laughter ] [ ding ] >> jimmy: hey! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] let's see what else is on the board here real quick. [ ding ] [ ding ] i love you, buddy. >> i love you, too. >> jimmy: nathan lane is the winner. come on, we both said it. [ cheers and applause ] smooch. we'll be right back with james marsden, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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"the notebook," "enchanted," and the blockbuster x-men franchise. he's now starring in the highly anticipated new hbo series, "westworld," which premiers this sunday at 9:00 p.m. please welcome the very talented james marsden! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hello! come on. >> come on. >> jimmy: you're the best. come on. you know it. >> oh, stop it. >> jimmy: i'm psyched that you're here, and congrats on the magazine cover, which -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look fantastic and sharp as always. [ cheers ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: look at this. the world's handsomest man. >> yeah, it's just -- >> jimmy: not too shabby right there, buddy. >> i -- i could have used that in high school. >> jimmy: the world's -- the world's handsomest man. >> it's a fact. >> jimmy: now it's a fact. >> they polled everyone in the world so now it's -- it's true
now. >> jimmy: and now it's just true. i just -- >> were you -- were you in there somewhere? >> jimmy: i took myself out of the running after winning for so many years. [ laughter ] i thought someone else could maybe win. >> okay, well, i appreciate your charity. >> jimmy: it's like looking in a mirror -- exactly the same. >> it is. >> jimmy: but your mom must love this, come on. >> oh yeah she loves it. i try to tell my mom, i'm like, you know, "world's most handsomest man of the world," probably "westworld," they're doing that angle. she said, "nope, nope." i guess that's how my mom talks now, "nope, nope!" "yeah!" "yeah!" >> jimmy: like a construction worker, smokes a lot. >> nope, no way that my son isn't the most handsomest man in the whole world. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: smoking those cigars all the time. >> she said, no -- now she's british. >> jimmy: mary poppins is your mom. [ talking over each other ] >> my mom is at home just like
shaking her head. what did i do to deserve this? she -- she likes to think it's the whole wide world. >> jimmy: it is the whole wide world. mom, you're totally right. i mean -- look at this guy. he's doing great, isn't he awesome? [ cheers and applause ] oh boy, have you ever been -- have you ever been bonked? >> bonked? >> jimmy: yeah. >> can we talk about this on nbc? >> jimmy: yeah it's an -- bonk is an app, a free app where if you can put your face in this thing and press a button you can get bonked, and i was wondering if the world's handsomest man has ever tried being bonked. >> oh, okay, what does it do? >> jimmy: put your face in there. >> okay. >> jimmy: that's a good photo there. >> okay. all right. >> whatever you say. >> jimmy: bonk. [ bonk noises ] [ laughter ] >> i mean -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go. >> i like that, i like that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not too shabby. >> still gorgeous. >> jimmy: still got it, man.
>> most handsomest man in the world. >> jimmy: did you hear chris harrison, our dude chris harrison who is the host of the bachelorette and the bachelor, he said the next bachelor that's coming out, his name is nick or something like that, he's the james marsden of bachelors or something. >> oh, i'm scared to ask what that means. >> jimmy: yeah, i don't know what that -- what do you think that means? >> well, is he -- does he have bad luck getting the girl? >> yeah. >> okay, that's probably what it means. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> sympathy sigh, that's always nice. thank you. >> jimmy: because you're typecast in the movies? >> no, i think there's a couple of my films that were very successful, i end up sort of not getting the girl, you know? i lose out to the, you know, the ryan gosling and the hugh jackmans. >> jimmy: hey, come on -- >> do you have any sad music you can play? >> jimmy: tell me about it. >> and, you know, there's -- good guys.
it's like he's upright and treats her well. >> jimmy: can we lower the lights a little bit too? ♪ lady, for so many years i've thought i'd never find you ♪ what are we doing? >> jimmy: we're singing kenny rogers. >> that is kenny rogers. ♪ you have come and made me such a fool ♪ [ cheers ] i sing to them. i serenade them. but they always go with the goslings. [ laughter ] ♪ you're my lady i love you ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "westworld." [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: always in danger for a song.
"westworld." i love when you're on, we can always play around with that. thank you for doing that. thank you for doing that. "westworld," everyone's talking about this. it's so sci-fi, it's western, it's hbo, it's exciting. >> yeah, it's -- it's coming out this sunday. it's basically based on a a michael crichton movie in the '70s where it's a futuristic theme park like jurassic park, in which the paying visitors can go live out their fantasies, you know, nihilistic or violent or sexual, in this western town that's inhabited by robots, essentially. >> jimmy: and you don't know who's a robot and who's part of the western game. >> right, right, the robots are indistinguishable from humans, so you can kind of live out all your like -- >> jimmy: no spoilers here. i don't want to know who you are. >> i won't tell you. [ laughter ] [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: here's james marsden arriving at the saloon in hbo's "westworld." take a look at this. >> you're new.
i'll get you a discount. >> no offense, but i'd rather earn a woman's affection than pay for it. >> you're always paying for it, darling. the difference is our cost is fixed and posted right there on the door. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: james marsden, everybody! "westworld" premiers this sunday at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. we'll be right back withstand-up from nikki glaser. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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such an honor to be here. i -- i just turned 28 in june of 2009. [ applause ] thank you. thank you. i'm 32, not married, no kids. i don't have baby fever yet, um, not jaundice, but like the kind where you, like, want a a baby. i don't have it. i'm scared i'm going to catch it sometimes. like i was holding a baby recently, and my mom was there and she was like, well, you look comfortable holding that baby. [ light laughter ] and i was like, harambe looks more comfortable holding a a child than i do. [ laughter and applause ] someone shoot me. [ laughter ] it was so cute, though. and i was scared i was going to look at it and be like, "i want a baby." but the more i looked at it just like chilling and drooling, i was just, like, "i want to be a baby." like, that was my feeling. [ light laughter ] i just think i'd make like a
a really great stay-at-home aunt, you know? like my sister is pregnant. she doesn't know what she's having. i have a feeling it's going to be regret, but -- [ laughter ] i can tell. the way she's carrying, she's just kind of -- and -- no, no, i'm dying to know the sex she had to conceive it, but she won't tell me. [ laughter ] she's like, "it's private." i'm like, "that's why it's interesting." but i've been in a relationship now for three and a half years, so we're almost done and -- [ laughter and applause ] thank you. we're going to make it. thank you. we'll get there. yeah. we live together. we fight a lot. mostly karate, so it's kind of fun. but he does the silent treatment sometimes, and that -- the silent treatment sounds a lot nicer than it feels. like it almost sounds like something you'd find on a spa menu, you know, "would you like
to try the silent treatment today?" what is -- what's that? well, uh, during your massage, your masseuse will lay next to you on the table with his back to you and take out his phone and start going through it. just when you think he's asleep, he'll start clearing his throat and sighing to himself just to let you know he's still awake but choosing not to talk to you. [ light laughter ] you'll try cry yourself to sleep, but you can't because you're on too many anti-depressants, so you'll take out your phone and pull up uber, just to remind yourself of all the single men just circling your house like sharks, waiting to pick you up. [ cheers and applause ] soothing. where do you go when he's being like that? i wish there was like an ignored women's shelter. like, that would be great if i could show up there, like, "am i safe here?" they're like, "yes." i'm like, "what if he finds me?" they're like, "he's not looking for you, okay?" [ light laughter ]
we're -- we're going to try an open relationship, just to really drive it into the ground, and i originally brought it up. it was early on in our relationship, we were in bed, i was trying to get things going, you know, just saying things i didn't mean, like, i love your mom, like whatever aroused him. [ light laughter ] and i ended up saying -- i was just like, "i would totally let you be with another girl some day." didn't mean it but here's the thing. i think every girl should tell their guy that, even if you don't mean it, just to see his reaction because my boyfriend reacted the same way that women react when they get proposed to. he started crying. he was like, "i have to go call my dad." i'm like, "okay." he's planning it on pinterest. i don't know what to do. but -- [ laughter ] but i honestly don't care. i'm like, go do whatever at this point. because i've always liked hearing his stories of past hook-ups, it's always been like a turn on for me and he doesn't
have that many of them because he's short so it's like, he's so hot, but he's short, and so they're all -- there's like four stories, they're all from middle school when he was the tallest. [ laughter ] and i don't mind a short guy, by the way. i'm tall. i'm 5'9" but i like it. like our first kiss was in his kitchen and i like lifted him up and put him on the counter. i felt alive. [ laughter and applause ] but people have a lot of questions. they're like, wait a second, "can you hook up with other people?" and i'm like, "no, i honestly think he just -- he would be too jealous to handle that." my boyfriend heard me say that and he was like, "why do you think i'd be jealous?" i was like, "oh, i just assumed you would be because remember like a year and a half ago when my ex-boyfriend died and i was crying about it and you got suspicious that that meant i still liked him." see, that told me that i probably shouldn't be with an alive person any time soon.
he was seriously -- [ applause ] he was like, "are you still attracted to him?" i'm like, "i don't know. i'll let you know if it's an open casket, i'll tell you. i haven't seen him in a while." but he doesn't believe me. he's still checking my ouija board. i'm like, "i'm not talking to him, okay?" thank you guys very much. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nikki glaser! oh, my goodness. thank you so much. for more on nikki, please visit nikkiglaser.com. my thanks to nathan lane, james marsden, willie nelson, nikki glaser! [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. and the roots right here from philadelphia, pennsylvania. break a leg, break a leg this weekend. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for joining. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- ice t, from "marvel's agents of s.h.i.e.l.d." clark gregg, music from glass animals, featuring the 8g band with elaine bradley. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's good to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump held a news conference friday, where he announced that he believes president obama was born in the u.s. said trump, "i hope that settles the issue, that muslim was born here." [ laughter ]