tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC November 2, 2016 11:34pm-12:38am EDT
afternoon. can't rule out the chance of a thunderstorm. cooling for friday. high of 59 over the weekend. we fall back this weekend, so we gain an hour of sleep. but now sunset will be an hour earlier. jim is shaking his head. he doesn't like it getting dark earlier. >> we don't like that. we love the sleep, but we don't like the darkness. >> me too. election day doesn't look bad, though. >> important. thank you. that's nbc10 news at 11:00. i'm jacqueline london. >> and i'm jim rosenfield. for sheena and all of us here, thanks so much for watching. "the tonight show" starring jimmy fallon is next. have a great night. join us tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- vince vaughn. patton oswalt. comedian, nate bargatze.
and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 563, iowa! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] that is a crowd! that is a great crowd right there. welcome! looking good. looking good, everybody. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it, baby. [ cheers and applause ] this is it. you're here, you made it! you made it. you're here. we've got a fun show for you. here's what people are talking about.
a new poll finds that donald trump and hillary clinton are in a a statistical tie just a week from election day. but on the bright side, at least trump's finally in a tie that was made in america. [ laughter and applause ] so that's -- >> steve: oh! [ applause ] >> jimmy: but the big story right now is the world series. tonight was game seven between the chicago cubs and the cleveland indians. [ cheers and applause ] the cubs actually came back from being down three games to one, to force a seventh game. that's right, cleveland had a a big lead, then it disappeared. or as hillary clinton put it, "fbi." [ laughter and applause ] and get this, i saw that a pair of tickets to tonight's game seven sold on stubhub, for almost $40,000. [ audience ohs ] and the couple still left in the seventh inning to beat traffic. i mean that's just -- [ laughter and applause ] "get your purse, linda." [ laughter ] "we'll catch the end on the radio." [ laughter ] i saw that both hillary clinton and donald trump have run
national commercials during the world series games. marking the only time cubs and indians fans were booing at the same time. [ laughter ] it's like, we're watching this to get away from you. [ applause ] actually, did you see this? on monday, the white house announced plans to give the president's official twitter account to the next president. hillary was like, "forget the nuclear codes. we can not trust donald trump with our nation's twitter handle." [ laughter and applause ] the twitter handle? just as we said before, there's a week until the election, and the polls just keep coming. in fact, a new poll finds that 73% of tinder users support hillary clinton over donald trump. [ laughter ] which makes sense, because people on tinder are used to looking at their options and going, "i guess." [ laughter and applause ] "yeah, do it." what do i know? i don't know. [ applause ] actually, there's probably no one more ready for the election to be over than the people who work in the news. so we reached out to see what the people who have been covering this thing for almost two years plan on doing once
it's all said and done. and check out what they said. megyn kelly from fox news, said, "i'm going to spend time with my family." msnbc's rachel maddow, said, "i'm looking forward to catching up on sleep." [ light laughter ] next, cnn's wolf blitzer, said, "i'm going to a day spa in chinatown, and getting a long massage." [ laughter and applause ] ♪ then, nbc's lester holt said, "i'm taking a vacation with my wife." next, wolf blitzer, said, "they'll drip piping hot wax all over my body. the pain is exhilarating, and i love it." [ laughter and applause ] then, abc's george stephanopoulos said, "i'll just relax at home and read." next, wolf blitzer said, "after the wax, i hang upside down like a bat, for five hours while the masseuse tickles my feet with a giant boa feather. my safe word is, 'don't stop.'" [ laughter and applause ] then chris wallace from fox news said, "i'll go to the movies." and finally, wolf blitzer said, "then i'll grab as many free bathrobes i can carry. sprint out of there while screaming, 'y'all just got blitzed!'"
[ cheers and applause ] i think he's losing his mind. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: check this out, apple's new update, they just updated their ios in the phone, there. it actually changed the peach emoji so that it no longer looks like a cartoon butt. [ laughter ] yeah. it used to look like this. and now it looks like this. [ laughter and applause ] so that's much better. that's much better. >> steve: that's better. looks like it's cracked. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. and finally, this was kind of crazy. i saw that a tech blogger in california used a weather balloon to drop an iphone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air to see what would happen. and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy's toilet. [ laughter and applause ] i screwed that joke up. i screwed it up a little bit. can i just read it again? [ laughter ] i'll read it again from here. maybe i need to be closer. that was the problem. let me read it again. and finally, this is kind of crazy. i saw that --
no, don't light me. i like it dark. [ laughter ] mysterious. mysterious. so that if it bombs again, you won't remember it was me. [ laughter ] and finally -- [ laughter ] can i talk to you guys for a a second? this is kind of crazy. ♪ i saw that in a tech blogger in california -- [ laughter ] used a weather balloon to drop an iphone from the edge of space, 100,000 feet in the air to see what would happen. [ light laughter ] and somehow, the phone still landed right in the guy's toilet. [ laughter and applause ] get the rice! get the rice! we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, guys! thank you very much. we have a great show tonight. but before we get started, we're doing this fun new show for snapchat. and the first one goes live tomorrow morning. we had this idea called instant song challenge. basically, we had people snap us random song titles. and then me and a surprise guest made songs out of them on the spot. we did one with our good friend justin timberlake, who is in the movie "trolls" out this weekend. it'll be on snapchat starting tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. and it'll only be up for 48 hours. >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: so tomorrow at 8:00 a.m., go to snapchat, look for fallon on the discover tab, and check out what we did. it was a lot of fun. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, emmy award-winner benedict cumberbatch will be here! [ cheers and applause ] who doesn't love benedict cumberbatch? >> steve: he's a delight! >> jimmy: he's hosting "saturday night live." >> steve: yep. >> jimmy: he's hosting "saturday night live" with solange, right? the musical guest. that's gonna be great. >> steve: it's gonna be nuts.
>> jimmy: plus, rachel maddow, we have music from jim james. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a good show. and then on friday, my man dana carvey will be here. >> steve: come on, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of our favorites, alicia keys will be joining us! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but first, it's always a pleasure to have this guy come through. he's not only a good actor, but also a great guy that's super funny. oh, my gosh. he stars in a big new world war ii drama out this friday called "hacksaw ridge." mr. vince vaughn is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] getting rave reviews. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: a.o. scott, "new york times," justin chang, "l.a. times," david edelstein, "new york magazine." vince vaughn getting rave reviews for this new film. yeah, and he deserves it. he's awesome. vince and i are going to talk about the movie. then things are gonna get very intense with an emotional interview. >> steve: ooh. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: so, stick around for that. plus, we love this guy. he's a very talented, talented comedian. he just won an emmy award for this. patton oswalt is stopping by.
>> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: love him. >> steve: love him, too. >> jimmy: and we have great, great stand-up from my man, nate bargatze is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: i love this show! >> jimmy: the whole show is going to be fun. hey, guys, we are in week nine of the nfl season, and the big sunday night football matchup is between the denver broncos and the oakland raiders right here on nbc. now, as you know, at the end of every season they give out awards, like most valuable player. but they also give out awards during the season, sort of like the ones in high school yearbooks. like, most likely to succeed, class clown. stuff like that. so with that in mind, it's time for tonight show superlatives. here we go. ♪ tonight show superlatives ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first player is jordan taylor. he's a wide receiver for the denver broncos. he was voted, most athletic hanson brother. >> steve: wow. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: next up is broncos quarterback paxton lynch.
he was voted most likely to kiss the tips of his fingers like a french chef after a a touchdown. [ laughter and applause ] "magnifique!" here's adam gotsis. he was voted most likely to grab the clippers out of his barber's hands and say, "now i try." [ laughter and applause ] interesting. >> steve: very specific award. >> jimmy: next up from the oakland raiders is jon condo. >> steve: wow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he was voted most likely to be bradley cooper after being hit in the nuts with a shovel. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: what? [ squeaky voice ] >> steve: hi! >> jimmy: i didn't know they gave that award out. [ laughter ] next we have jordan norwood. he was voted most likely to show up three hours early to your dinner party. [ laughter and applause ] need help with anything? cutting vegetables? setting the table? anything? [ laughter ] next we have darius kilgo. he was voted most likely to bring reference photos of abe lincoln and
shaquille o'neal to his barber. >> steve: wow. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: and finally from the raiders, we have darren bates. he was voted "football coolio." [ laughter ] there you go everybody, those are your nfl superlatives. we'll be right back with vince vaughn! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are joined by a a very funny man. he's also a very talented actor. starting nationwide this friday, you can see him on the big screen starring opposite andrew garfield in the critically acclaimed world war ii drama called "hacksaw ridge." say hello to a friend of the show. here is vince vaughn, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> very nice.
very nice. >> jimmy: that is vince vaughn right there. >> that's what they do. >> jimmy: you're a stud. >> they heat it up. unbelievable. >> jimmy: what was that? is it -- >> we are doing the turtles original sample. the sample to the d-night song. >> jimmy: who does that song? >> the turtles. >> jimmy: the turtles? >> flo & eddie. >> the term de-licious is what that was. >> jimmy: thank you. >> always. always. >> jimmy: i've got to say, thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: it must be a very exciting day. because right now people watching at home, they probably know, we don't yet. >> that's right. >> jimmy: who's going to win the world series. but i know you're a life-long cubs fan. so this must be so exciting. >> it's an exciting time. it's unbelievable that we're with game seven. >> jimmy: yes. >> so i'm very excited. and i'm excited to watch the game. it's a little bit surreal. you've been with this with the red sox. you guys had a long drought. >> jimmy: i played -- well, i was in this movie "fever pitch," hold your
applause. [ applause ] >> i'm not holding anything. >> jimmy: no, you got to hold it back a little bit. gotta take it down a little. >> let me tell you something. some forces can't be contained and this is one of them. [ laughter ] one more time for "fever pitch." [ cheers ] >> jimmy: and honestly that was 86 years. you know? weirdly, theo epstein, who was running the red sox then. he's now with the cubs. it was surreal when you see fans that haven't seen their team win in that long. obviously, i get goose bumps talking about it. 'cuz it was like -- >> the response in boston when they did win, was -- >> jimmy: it wasn't screaming like -- it was like weeping, crying. people on the phone like, dad, we did it. seriously, i'm getting choked up just thinking about it. they really did. and you would drive down these awesome streets in boston and you would see -- >> great sports town. >> jimmy: yeah. in the cemeteries they would have like hats and pennants on
the grave stones because people didn't live to see their teams win, and -- >> yeah. yeah. powerful. >> jimmy: tonight is powerful, whether it be cleveland or chicago -- >> i'm on the other side. i respected cleveland. they've had a long drought as well. it would be easier if it was another team that has always won. it is interesting that it's two. but being a chicago fan, as you can understand, i'm only on one side of this argument. [ laughter ] i hope there's tears and graveyard stuff going on in chicago. >> jimmy: that's not what -- don't want to hope for that. >> well i hope for the emotions. i hope for the emotions. [ talking over each other ] >> jimmy: i'm emotional i don't even have a dog in the fight. i'm rooting -- either way, i think people are just going to be so happy. >> that's true. >> jimmy: the world is going to be watching, and enjoying themselves. and that's what it's all about, good sportsmanship. >> that's right. >> jimmy: how are the kids? >> the kids are fantastic. >> jimmy: how was trick-or-treating? >> trick-or-treating was an exciting time. they're still. they're young enough so they're still not really in charge of their costumes and that, but they enjoy it. >> jimmy: how old -- >> my daughter is almost six. and my son is three. your daughters are very young. >> jimmy: yes.
three and almost two. >> two. got it. >> jimmy: yeah, they have no idea. >> but they're getting candy. it's a nice day. they're putting on a costume. they're excited. >> jimmy: they came to the office and the little one's just yelling "treat, treat, treat" and just grabbing candy. i have no idea what the candy was. >> i loved to trick-or-treat like nobody's business. >> jimmy: even as a child you liked it? >> i liked it as a kid 'cuz that was nice. you maybe have a parent they walk you around and you get hopped up on the sugar. although, in the '70s, it was different. it was just a baseline of sugar. i mean you were having sugar cereals every day. you would drink tang. tang had sugar in it probably. >> jimmy: oh yeah. >> so there would be a small spike you know? you would constantly have a a baseline of sugar. [ light laughter ] today, these kids when they have sugar it's like they're all eating kale all day. they're going out of their minds. right? [ laughter and applause ] no, it's a bigger swing. >> jimmy: it's a spike. >> it's a spike. we had that big league chew. sucking down big league chew. it's crazy, right? >> jimmy: i used to have sugar all day long. >> you thought you were chewing tabacco, with big league chew, a wad of gum in your mouth. that was just a normal day. it's very different. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but once you get to be older and you go out by yourself, like once you get to be nine or ten, and you're kind of on your own moving around in the neighborhood with a pack of
other nine or ten-year-olds, it becomes an exciting time. >> jimmy: oh yeah. >> did you do that? >> jimmy: not really. i mean, a little bit. >> what does that mean? how do you a little bit do that? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i remember the idea of doing it. i was very overprotective -- my parents were very overprotective. >> they were? >> jimmy: i never got to leave -- >> well you turned out great. but overprotective in what way? >> jimmy: i never really got to leave my backyard at all. [ laughter ] >> who are you? were you in the amish country of pennsylvania? >> jimmy: no, i was not. i was in upstate new york. a great place. socrates, new york. yep. >> respect. >> jimmy: yeah. respect. it was like a chain link fence from me and the outside world. >> how big was the yard? suburban yard? how much acreage? >> jimmy: half an acre maybe. >> that's not bad. >> jimmy: yeah, not bad. >> but it's a small confined area for a young irish falcon to be contained like that. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: for a young irish falcon. >> yeah. >> they saw the beauty in this irish falcon and they put him in a guilded cage. i don't know why. why were they so selfish to keep your wings for them. >> jimmy: i think -- i don't know.
i think my parents -- i think they kind of crate trained me. >> uh-huh. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's a new thing. in the '70s, they didn't know what was happening. >> crate training. >> jimmy: they crate trained for children. >> so when you were 11, did you go out on your own to get some candy? >> jimmy: i remember i did once. it was more about like, like vandalism. >> that's right. [ light laughter ] that's right. that's what i would expect from a young falcon. not a good thing to do, but you're learning, you're pushing boundaries. did you ever go to a house and they would have the candy out that would "say please just take one?" >> jimmy: yeah. >> what would happen? >> jimmy: i'd take one. >> you would? >> jimmy: probably, yeah. [ laughter and applause ] >> that's why we love the falcon. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's why we love the irish falcon. >> jimmy: the irish falcon. i would go by the rules. [ talking over each other] i remember like shaving cream -- >> me and my friends there would be no more candy. >> jimmy: you'd take the whole thing? >> we did. hey, this is great. there's a whole thing of reese's. those are good ones to get. >> jimmy: yeah, if you just take the whole thing. >> if it was just an apple, there would be a trick played on the house. >> jimmy: oh yeah? >> did you ever play tricks?
it is trick-or-treat. >> jimmy: that is true. i thought that was an option. i thought it was their choice. >> they were gonna trick you? >> jimmy: i said look -- i love magic. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'm a fan. i go trick-or-treat, i'll take either one. >> please levitate. >> jimmy: i don't know. you could be david blaine. i don't know who's going to ring the bell. the guy is a professional magician. and he's like, "you came to the right place, i've got a trick for you." it's unbelievable. i don't have to go to vegas. i don't have to do anything. in upstate new york of all places. i'm gonna get a trick. >> it was an odd conversation. you're laying in bed at night, you're scared to open up to your parents. and your mom would be sitting there with you. and say, "how was halloween, falcon?" you would say, "well, it was okay." [ light laughter ] "what do you mean it was okay? you got lots of candy?" "yeah, lots of candy." "what could have made it better?" "no one did a trick." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: not one, yeah. >> when you saw "the boy in the bubble," what did you think? [ laughter ] were you like finally someone gets me? do you feel like that your life story? or were you like, that's how everyone grows up?
everyone is in the bubble. >> jimmy: the young john travolta. >> the young john travolta. >> jimmy: no, but i remembered i had a trick-or-treat bag that was purchased, like a plastic bag. >> a plastic bag. that's nice. a pillowcase is a sturdier for candy. but here's what i want to say to you. there's no judgment. it's a fantastic childhood is what you had. you had very caring parents i bet they're great grandparents. >> jimmy: yeah. they are. i have no complaints. >> no complaints about it at all? i think it's just like everyone's got a unique way to the waterfall, but we're all drinking. we're all drinking. >> jimmy: let me write that one down. that's a good -- that's my yearbook quote. that was my yearbook quote. let's talk about "hacksaw ridge", please. because, man-o-man this is why i love you. you're funny, but you're also -- you're a great actor. and in this movie you get to be both. you're kind of sarcastic when you have to be, and you're a a bad ass, you're a hard ass in certain things. and it's based on a true story. >> it's about this guy, world
war ii veteran named desmond doss who wanted to go and serve and be a medic but refused to carry a gun. then went to okinawa, which is one of the roughest battles that was in the pacific. and one night dragged 75 men completely unarmed, would go out by himself, into the battle, and bring wounded people back in. when i first read this, i thought, this is crazy. i'd never heard of this story. there's documentaries and stuff on it. it's completely true. so it was a powerful story about a guy with conviction, that really kind of stayed true to himself. andrew garfield is unbelievable. >> jimmy: great! >> isn't he great in it? he's a terrific actor. >> jimmy: i know andrew and when he comes on the show, he's like, [ imitating andrew garfield ] "hello, how are you?" he doesn't really talk like that, but he's british. >> pretty good. >> jimmy: but man he does a a great accent in this and you have no idea that he's english. i thought the girl was fantasic too. >> theresa palmer is fantastic. >> jimmy: theresa palmer. >> the love story in the beginning is really terrific. young innocent love is very, very powerful. >> jimmy: you also forget how young these soldiers were in world war ii. >> yeah, they're babies.
here we are talking about our trick-or-treating night. >> jimmy: yeah. >> these gentlemen were going on and fighting. >> jimmy: it's intense but it's great. and you're getting great reviews. congrats on everything. >> thank you. >> jimmy: everything i read, including me. i give you good reviews. i have a clip. here's vince vaughn and andrew garfield in the big new movie called "hacksaw ridge" in theaters this friday. check this out. >> gentlemen! i want you to meet private desmond doss. apparently private doss does not believe in violence. he does not practice violence. he will not even deign to touch a weapon. you see, private doss is a a conscientious objector. so i plead with you, do not look to him to save you on the battlefield. because he will undoubtedly be too busy wrestling with his conscience to assist -- >> sarge, that's not true. >> private, as you were! now, i realize some of you might have strong feelings
about this. it is what we meant fight for. to defend our rights, and to protect our women and children. even if private doss beliefs it might cause women and children to die. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well done. >> thank you. >> jimmy: come back, everybody. vince vaughn and i are going to play a fun new game after the break. stick around, everybody! ♪ ♪ you got your mom side. ♪ a just be calm side. ♪ you got a, "i never thought i'd get married at 65" side. ♪ ♪ "hey i'm just looking" side. ♪ man, you better buy that ride, whooo! ♪ ♪ that's why there's nationwide. ♪ ♪ they help to know, protect and grow your many sides. ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. and we love the roots. we're hanging out with vince vaughn, everybody, right here. [ cheers and applause ] now, vince, you are in the new world war ii drama "hacksaw ridge" but you've also acted in many comedies like "wedding crashers" and "anchor man." [ cheers and applause ] to be able to do both comedy and drama that must mean you're in touch with many emotions. would you say that's true? >> i don't shy away from them. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: let's see how emotional we can get. it's time for "an emotional interview." ♪ ♪ emotional interview now, here's how it works. we're going to have a normal conversation with each other. every so often we're going to hear this ding sound. [ ding ] >> my emotions just came flooding to me. that's crazy. >> jimmy: when we hear that, we'll be given an emotional situation that we have to act out as we keep talking. >> once i turn on this faucet, i don't know if i'll be able to turn it off. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: alright, here we go. here we go. we are entering the holiday season. do you have any plans?
>> that's weird. you'd asked me if i have plans or not? i don't know it just feels like you're assuming i wouldn't have plans. that is weird. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i mean i have plans. >> you do? >> jimmy: yeah, you think i don't have plans? i have plans. >> i just think it's weird that you would even -- i mean like -- >> jimmy: i'm just saying, i obviously have plans. >> do i look like a person -- i'm a person who has plans. >> jimmy: no, no, no, no, no, no. you can have plans. i can do stuff, too. it's the holidays. whatever -- i don't care what holiday we're celebrating. >> people like, you know, some people, they definitely got plans, you know. [ ding ] >> jimmy: what you consider plans. i guess they're -- i guess they're plans, yeah. sure. sure good for you. good for you. >> i think if, you know, if your soul is real empty, it's probably nice to feel good about other people not having stuff to do. [ laughter ] that might make you feel like a a big, strong man. if someone else doesn't have anything to do, i'm sure that really just gets your motor
running there. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. [ ding ] yeah. i just, i just, gosh. >> can we get positive for a a second? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. let's get -- what is out there? i mean -- i mean, i'm like, what notch in orion's belt are we up to these days? i mean, it's probably getting bigger, you know? >> you seen orion's belt, i see his whole closet. it's amazing. [ laughter ] it's like -- i can't even eat because i feel like -- it's just amazing. >> jimmy: i'm looking at two big planets right now. [ laughter ] >> i'm looking at the whole solar system. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. this is great. i love space. space is real fun to talk about. its just -- it just -- >> compared to what i'm doing now, space bores me. [ light laughter ] [ ding ]
[ light laughter ] what's wrong? you feeling a little -- feeling -- something took a a turn? are you okay? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's good. it's all good. >> sometimes if you're feeling a little down, sometimes you just give a big smile, it kind of warms up your, warms up your spirit. externally if you do something confident, it can make the internals confident. why don't you start with a big, big smile. [ laughter and applause ] let me tell you something. let me tell you something. let me tell you something. >> jimmy: whoa, whoa, you want to say something? >> i don't want to get on a a soapbox. people know that about me. i'm not a big -- >> jimmy: you want to say something? >> let me tell you something. you're talking about talent, looks, charm, great interviewer, lots of fun, jimby is your man, am i right? ♪ >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about right there. vince vaughn, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] stick around, we'll be right back with patton oswalt, ladies and gentlemen.
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go through the roof. grab 'em by the p*á*á". when you're a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. more accusers coming forward to say they were sexually assaulted by donald trump. i'll go backstage before a show... yes.. and everyone's getting dressed. donald trump walked into the dressing room while contestants, some as young as 15 were changing. standing there with no clothes. you see these incredible looking women. i'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. do you treat women with respect? uh... i can't say that either. alright, good. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message.
♪ [ cheers and applause
] >> jimmy: our next guest is an emmy award winning comedian and "new york times" best-selling author. you can see him performing as a a part of the new york comedy festival at the beacon theater thursday night here in new york city. everyone, please welcome patton oswalt! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> wow. >> jimmy: it's always -- it's always a good -- >> and now i have to follow the roots.
--part of the show. >> jimmy: thanks for coming back. i appreciate it. i know you had a great halloween. >> yes. >> jimmy: with your daughter. >> yeah, well, we both equally love halloween. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> we're both like equal fans of it. >> jimmy: me and you, you mean? or you and your daughter? >> you know what, i'll take it either way. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. sure, i enjoy it. >> however you want to do it, jimby. so the -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: kind of hoping the irish falcon would pick up. [ laughter ] >> somebody #irishfalcon and get it trending, please? >> jimmy: no, don't do that please. you went all out -- >> the thing was, she wanted to be raven from "teen titans go." because she loves that cartoon. and then she goes, you've got to be raven's dad, who is this demon named trigon, so -- >> jimmy: i mean this is not bad. that's your dad? how awesome is that.
how cool is your dad. [ applause ] you did this last year, too. >> well, i did this a couple of years ago and it kind of backfired, because she said, i want to be spidergirl, and you have to be dr. octopus. she was three. >> jimmy: dr. octopus. >> octopus. and there's no dr. octopus costumes. but luckily, she said it to me on october 1st. and then i ran into -- the next day i ran into adam savage from "mythbusters." and we're talking about halloween and i told him like, i don't know how to make an -- and he goes, i'll make you a a dr. octopus costume. don't worry about it. i'm like are you sure? he goes i totally -- and he made me this amazing costume. >> jimmy: i've got to show this. >> which he sends to me. >> jimmy: look at this thing. >> holy moly. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that is the best costume i've ever seen. >> well, okay. yes, it was a great costume, but the minute it arrived, i go, hey, i've got my dr. octopus costume. she was like, oh, i want to be
dorothy from "wizard of oz" and you have to be the lion. she totally changed her mind. so, i made her take this picture. and the minute we were done, she took her spidergirl outfit off and goes i want to be dorothy. i had to run out and get a lion costume which i couldn't find. but i found one, i think it was kind of like an adult one. 'cause it was a lion costume but there were no arms. it was this weird sleeveless -- and my arms, like my bare arms, it looks like two big tubes of vanilla cookie dough. like it did not look -- it looked like -- it looked like a lion, and a weird scientist was like wouldn't it be nice, a world if lions had cookie dough arms? [ laughter ] so then i was like walking and the other adults were like what are you dressed -- it was the creepiest -- yeah, and i was just like skeeving everyone out on the block. >> jimmy: and like i have the best costume at home right now, i'm dr. octopus. >> exactly. yeah -- but no, i'm weird pudding armed lion. that was my -- >> jimmy: pudding arms. >> yeah. >> jimmy: let's talk about this. congratulations for this. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: you're doing a
a special release on vinyl, which i think is so fun. >> i love -- this is so for me. all of my first comedy albums were on vinyl. yours were on vinyl, right? >> jimmy: of course. >> what were the -- what were the ones -- what were your -- what were your big ones? >> jimmy: i had smothers brothers were big. rodney dangerfield, "no respect." >> you had no -- see, "no respect", and the flip side was "son of no respect." remember the two sides of the album? >> jimmy: oh, right. >> that's right. you would listen to those. >> jimmy: i would memorize rodney dangerfield. i use to have a record player in my room. but my parents, as i was saying earlier, they were very overprotective. my dad would actually take a a key and he would scratch out the curse words. >> hang on -- >> jimmy: so -- >> that meant he had to sit and listen to the album and figure out where the curse words came -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> and stop and then back it up scratch out. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's horrible, yet dedicated parenting. >> jimmy: also it kind of
screwed up all the jokes. >> oh, really? >> my doctor and all of a a sudden it goes -- and a pause. and you go doctor? that's not a joke. you're thinking, comedy is a a cinch. >> jimmy: it's so easy to do. >> but folks, my shoes -- [ laughter and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it works. it still works. it still works. >> jimmy: i'm happy that you're doing that. because any person out there that loves stand-up, you'll love this "talking for clapping." >> thank you. >> jimmy: and when you won -- when you won the emmy, gosh, everyone was so happy for you. i was in there. we watched you get up there. it was very emotional, because i know that this year's been tough. >> this year has not been fun. that was a moment where, i mean, i went into the emmy's very relaxed and happy with, oh tig, or amy will win. and i'm totally cool with that. and when they call my name, you see it -- i have no speech. i don't know what i'm going to say. i almost break down in the middle of it because i realize i'm not going to get to hang out with my wife, michelle, afterward, because she passed in april.
then i've got to kind of recompose myself and thank more people. then i thank her at the end. now i'm -- it's 6 months and 12 days on. and man, grief is -- the thing about grief is, it likes it's surprises. so, a couple of months ago if i started to cry or have a moment where i missed her, it was for a reason like, oh, she loved this wilco song, or, oh -- you know, that i remember us taking this drive. now grief will make me cry at -- i have no idea why i'm doing it. because it so knows all the triggers. but it wants to surprise me so i'll be like waiting -- i was waiting for an app to update. and i don't know why, but then i started crying thinking, there's apps on her phone that will never update again. like, it was the dumbest thing. so now i'm like, i'm like the hulk of crying. like i don't know when i'm
going to hulk out crying, and it will be for nothing. >> jimmy: when is it going to happen? >> yeah, when will it happen? like i'll get some dim sum. and then you go dim sum my life is actually dim. [ light laughter ] i'm just eating -- so it's just sucks. >> jimmy: i just want to say we love you here. and all of our fans. it's tough out there to deal with this grief. but also to continue to go out and making people laugh. because people need a laugh. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we love you, buddy. >> thank you. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we love you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're a tough dude. you're a good dad, too. >> i know. >> jimmy: patton oswalt. go see him at the beacon theater! we'll be right back with comedian nate bargatze, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is my body of proof. proof of less joint pain.
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i alone can fix it! bomb the [bleep] out of 'em. i'd like to punch him in the face. i like people that weren't captured, okay? he's a mexican! she ate like a pig... i moved on
her like a [bleep] i did not say that... i love war. yes, including with nukes. blood coming out of her... they're rapists... wrong. there has to be some form of punishment. such a nasty woman. i wanna be unpredictable. ...on 5th avenue and shoot somebody... she's a slob... i don't remember! and you can tell them to go [bleep] themselves! priorities usa action is responsible for the content of this advertising. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of my absolute favorite comedians, and a regular here on "the tonight show." you can see him this week during the new york comedy
festival as well as the stand this saturday. everybody, please welcome, the very funny nate bargatze! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. thank you, everybody. that was -- it was unbelievable. alright. i've done comedy for a while, i've done a lot of different shows. they're not, you know, they're not all as exciting as "the tonight show." i did one in a prison once. like, in it. like, all the way in it. like, we went to them. like, we didn't meet 'em out, you know? so we go in. let's say you guys are the inmates. so i'm sitting here, i'm like doing my dumb jokes. none of it works. every joke i have involves being outside in the past 30 years. like, just -- i'm like, traffic's crazy. you guys remember. who remembers? people remember traffic here, right? so i'm doing my dumb jokes.
and then an inmate gets up and starts walking toward me. and i'm like, oh, boy, here we go. you know, like, he's going to use me to break out. and i don't want to point at him. but no one's like looking. but i am using hand gestures. i 'm like, what do you guys do on this side of the room? should he be walking up like that? [ laughter ] turns out the bathrooms are behind me. he's a good guy. i judged him on what he was wearing and where we were at. [ laughter and applause ] it was my fault. so i'm like against a brick wall. and it goes like halfway up. and the urinals are all behind here. so then he comes to use the bathroom, and he comes to the urinal right behind me. so then it's just me and him just looking at everybody. and he peed. he peed without even -- it was the most confidence i've ever seen in my entire life. i thought, whatever you think
this guy did, this guy did it. alright? that's not -- an innocent man doesn't pee like that. that's a guilty, i'm not getting out. [ laughter ] i took social media off my phone. it's too much. like you just -- you know, you walk around and just look at it all day. facebook, they did a real good job. it's a real good company. and facebook is just too much. everybody's seeing everybody's best or worst days of their lives. you know? you're either like "i'm getting married", or "my house is on fire." no one's like, "today's normal, nothing happened. i have no strong opinions about anything." my wife gets mad because, she's like, "you don't like any of my photos on facebook." and it's like, is this not enough just us being married and living together? [ laughter and applause ] like, you know -- how much -- and i did like it. when we took it, i said, i like that photo. i told you that. i'm in the photo.
there's not much more than i can do in this photo's life. [ laughter ] we've been married for ten years, and we still fight. like, you can -- when you're married, fighting is open 24 hours. anytime. we got in a fight recently at 3:00 a.m. we woke up to get in this fight. [ laughter ] and we have -- we live in nashville. we have a dog that freaks out when it thunders. so it was thundering. so we have sedatives to give her, because there are only so many times you can tell a dog it's just thunder before you're like "just take this." i hope this works. i'm not going to hold you through it, you know. so i wake up, and i asked my wife, "hey, where are the sedatives at?" she's like, "they're at the top of the cabinet." so i go get them. when i get them i look at the bottle. the bottle said they were expired. so i had to wake her back up.
i was like, "hey, these say they're expired." she was annoyed. she was like, "they're not expired. those are new pills in an old pill bottle." and i was like, "alright." i should have thought of that. that's my fault. [ laughter ] people come to our house all the time and they get milk, and they're like, "is that milk expired?" and i have to go, "that's new milk in an old milk jug. are you the stupidest person i've ever met in my life? how could you not figure that out?" that's basically what i told her. it wasn't as fun as that, you know. but that was the gist. and instead of just saying, you're right, that's a logical statement, she dives all in, and tells me, "it doesn't matter, the dog medicine can't even expire." she hasn't even heard a rumor about that. she doesn't know that. we don't know any dog medicine people. i know who she knows. we don't know one dog medicine maker that's like, texting her. "let me tell you a little secret about dog medicine. we invented medicine that can't expire." alright, guys, thank you so much! i appreciate it! you guys are great.
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when government bureaucrats refused to approve a cancer vaccine equally for both girls and boys, i stepped in to change that rule. when my own party held up recovery funds after sandy hit us, i took them on and won. and when veterans were forced to travel out of state for health care, i brought in new local clinics and expanded services. but there's much more to do. my mission is to protect south jersey's way of life. i'm frank lobiondo and i approve this message.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: once again, how great. nate bargatze, by the way! that was fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] my thanks to vince vaughn, patton oswalt and nate bargatze. and, of course, the roots from philadelphia, pennsylvania. stay tuned for "late night with seth myers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- christian slater, star of "quantico", actress priyanka chopra, from "hacksaw ridge", actor luke bracey, featuring the 8g band with hannah welton. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlem, seth meyers. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody! i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] well! isn't that fantastic to hear? in that case, let's get to the news. tonight was game 7 of the world series between the chicago cubs and the cleveland indians. now we taped this show before the game, so we don't know the outcome, but if you live in one of those cities, and you're