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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  January 18, 2017 12:37am-1:38am EST

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers!" tonight, aidy bryant. from "a series of unfortunate events," actor, patrick warburton. music from bibi bourelly. featuring the 8g band with leah shapiro. ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how is everyone doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. great to hear. in that case let's get to the news. donald trump will be sworn in as president this friday at 12:00 noon. that's when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the bible. [ laughter and applause ]
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russian president, vladimir putin, said today that people who spread fake news about donald trump are "worse than prostitutes." he quickly added, "did i say prostitutes i meant bank robbers. it's so weird tyat i said prostitutes, ha ha ha! we have the tape." [ applause ] today -- today was first lady michelle obama's birthday. and for the eighth year in a row -- [ cheers and applause ] for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited joe biden blew out her candles. [ laughter ] [ applause ] according to a new poll, obamacare is more popular today than at any point since 2009. well, let's be honest. obamacare isn't exactly the hottest thing at the bar. but it's almost closing time. [ laughter ] donald trump accidentally tagged thwre ong ivanka when tweeting about his daughter yesterday. [ laughter ]
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he also got his son eric's twitter handle wrong. [ laughter ] [ applause ] "golf digest" magazine released a special issue today, featuring donald trump on the cover with the title "golfer in chief." meanwhile, hillary clinton is featured on the cover of the new "field and stream." [ laughter ] just walking. walking through fields. and over streams. over, i don't know, i haven't read it yet. a russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have mariah carey and sir elton john perform at his teenage granddaughter's wedding. said his teenage granddaughter, "who are these people? [ laughter ] i'm a teenager." a new study shows that millennials are twice as likely to identify as lgbt than members of older generations. while older generations are twice as likely to keep a faded photo of an old war buddy in a locked drawer, periodically take it out to look at it longingly
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wondering what would have happened if you had followed your passions instead of succumbing to societal pressure and marrying susan. [ laughter ] [ applause ] honey! honey, what are you doing up there? nothing. [ light laughter ] kevin! a female zebra shark in australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually after spending time away from her male partner. and she says so far he's buying it. [ light laughter ] but i've been gone for a year! i know, it's crazy, i'm just having babies, this is so weird. and finally, an oklahoma fire department recently rescued a cow that fell into a family's swimming pool. said the family, that's not why we called. [ light laughter ]
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ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she's one of the stars of "saturday night live." our dear friend, aidy bryant, is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] he's fantastic actor and a very funny guy and he's starring in netflix's "a series of unfortunate events," patrick warburton joins us on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we have an amazing singer/songwriter bibi bourelly joining us. you are going to enjoy that very much, i promise you. before we get to that, before donald trump even takes office, this week we are already witnessing the first major organized effort to resist the potential consequences of his presidency. specifically, over his promise to repeal obamacare. for more on this it's time for "a closer look." ♪ [ applause ] if you watch any of trump's rallies during the campaign you may have noticed that he didn't exactly have an in-depth plan in place for dealing with health care. in fact, all he ever really said
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about health care was this. >> we don't win in any capacity with health care. we're gonna win with obamacare. we're getting rid of it. we're repealing it, replacing it. we're going to win with health care. winning on health care, we're going to repeal that horrible stuff. we are going to win on health care. >> seth: what does we're going to win on health care even mean? the only time i ever consider myself winning on health care is when the nurse calls me in before everybody else in the waiting room. [ laughter ] enjoy your six-month-old "golf digest" losers. i'm getting a strep test. [ laughter ] now, obamacare is in many ways a flawed, complicated system. but it's indisputable that millions of people currently depend on it. and yet even without a clear plan in place to reassure those people, republicans have gone ahead and taken the first step towards repealing obamacare anyway. so amid all that uncertainty trump finally spoke out in a "washington post" interview over the weekend. he refused to divulge any specifics but swore he definitely has a plan saying "it's very much formulated down
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to the final strokes." when asked when the plan would actually do, all he would say was, "we're going to have insurance for everybody." trump talks about policy like he's trying to get off the phone with somebody. [ as trump ] yeah, no health care, it's going to be great. for who? everybody. look, i'm going to let you go, good-bye. [ applause ] but -- as for the details of how he'll pull that off, trump said he is waiting for his nominee for secretary of health and human services, georgia congressman tom price, to be confirmed. and of course trump's choice for health secretary is crucial. because this is the guy who's going to go toe to toe with those pharmaceutical companies trump has promised to take on. surely then price will have the best interests of the american people and not take his own bottom line at heart, right? >> new revelations about trump's pick for secretary of health and human services, congressman tom price. cnn has learned that price purchased shares in a medical device manufacturer days before introducing a bill that would
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have massively helped that company. the company's pac subsequently then made multiple donations to price's re-election campaign. >> seth: sounds like somebody's winning on health care. so we know some about trump's pick for health secretary. but we still know very little about what kind of plan the gop has in mind to reassure the millions of people who curtly rely on obamacare. paul ryan, one of obamacare's harshest critics, health a town hall last week and his first question came from a life long republican who had a different take than ryan's on the law. >> i was a republican and i worked for the reagan and bush campaigns. just like you, i was opposed to the affordable care act. when it was passed, i told my wife we would close our business before i complied with this law. then at 49, i was given six weeks to live with a very curable type of cancer. we offered three times the cost of my treatments, which was rejected.
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they required an insurance card. thanks to the affordable care act, i'm standing here today, alive. >> seth: look at paul ryan's face. that's the face the groom has when his best man is 20 minutes into a story about the time you hooked up with one of the coors light twins. [ laughter ] [ applause ] to ryan's credit -- to ryan's credit, he dealt with the question politely, but jeff had one last thing to say. >> first of all, i'm glad you're standing here. i mean, really, seriously. no, really. >> can i say one thing? i hate to interrupt you. can i say one thing? i want to thank president obama from the bottom of my heart, because i would be dead if it weren't for him. >> seth: so here's to the bride and groom, to love ever-after, and twins! [ light laughter ] now ryan answered that question by pointing out the premiums
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under obamacare have been rising. and that's true. but overall they've risen at a slower rate than they did before and most people get subsidies to offset those increases. republicans want to forget the whole reason we have obamacare in the first place is because health care sucked before. sure obamacare isn't perfect but it's better. obamacare is like a fireman who carried you from a burning building but on the way out he banged your head into the door frame. sure you have a headache now. but at least you're not on [ bleep ] fire. [ cheers and applause ] just like -- there's like a dull ringing. [ light laughter ] and in addition to taking insurance away from millions, repealing obama care's taxes would also give the wealthiest americans a huge tax cut. so why do republicans continue to insist on moving forward with repeal without a clear plan to fix those problems first? well, georgia congressman, drew ferguson, explained his support for repealing obamacare before replacing it with this bizarre metaphor about a goat. >> a little over six years ago i
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lived in a pretty decent house. and one day i heard a knock on the door. before i knew it my colleagues from the other side of the aisle had let a goat loose in my house. now, for six years that goat has been messing in, and destroying my house. i want to renovate my house but before i can i have to get the goat out of the house before it does any more damage. it makes no sense to start fixing up my house until we get the goat out. >> seth: what? what is life like in your district? i'd like to get a new kitchen. well, first you're going to have to get the goat out of your house. [ light laughter ] took you six years to get the goat out? the goats have squatting rights? [ light laughter ] that story of course comes from the gop children's book "the goat who lost his health insurance." [ light laughter ] that's a quick side note, what's with republicans and weird animal metaphors? last month trump supporter, newt gingrich, added this to the cannon. >> donald trump is the grizzly bear in "the revenant." [ light laughter ]
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if you get his attention, he will get awake. when he gets awake, he will walk over, bite your face off, and sit on you. >> seth: that's right. trump is the bear from "the revenant." and if they repeal obamacare, the rest of us are going to be leonardo dicaprio sleeping inside that horse. [ laughter ] so clearly republicans don't have a coherent plan for replacing obamacare but if that's the case what are they busy doing? >> you know, i actually do know what a dab is, okay? just for the record. [ laughter ] it's - it's this, you know. >> seth: oh, i see. their plan is that nobody will need health care because we'll all be dead from embarrassment. [ light laughter ] incidentally, ryan was responding to a clip that went viral, where he was seen telling the son of a congressman to stop dabbing during his father's swearing-in. ryan offered this explanation. >> he wasn't doing a dab by the way, looks like he was sneezing, he was going like this. >> you took issue with his technique. >> his technique. and i thought he was sneezing. >> seth: i thought he was sneezing, so i told him, better go see a doctor now before i take away your health insurance. [ cheers and applause ]
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don't let that get worse. now there is one other crucial thing we know about repealing obamacare. in addition to cutting taxes for the wealthy and taking health insurance away from millions, repeal would also result in major cuts to medicare and medicaid. and that's something trump specifically promised he would not do during the campaign tweeting, i was the first and only potential gop candidate to sate there will be no cuts to social security, medicare, and medicaid. bernie sanders in particular has promised to hold trump to that pledge, which led to this amazing image of sanders speaking on the senate floor with a giant printout of a donald trump tweet on an easel next to him. let's all just spare a thought for the poor congressional intern who had to go to kinko's and print out a giant donald trump tweet. [ light laughter ] [ as sanders ] don't spend extra on that glossy paper, it's a rip-off! [ light laughter ] bernie sanders does not glossy! i'm matte! [ light laughter ] i do very fine as matte!
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but democrats haven't limited themselves to printing out tweets. over the weekend democrats and progressive groups held rallies across the country in an opposition to repealing obamacare. including in michigan where there was a massive crowd to watch bernie sanders speak, although maybe they were just excited to see which tweets bernie would bring with him this time. [ as sanders ] i'm doing this whole speech as a gif! [ laughter ] that kind of on-ground organizing is what will stop trump. obamacare's not perfect but millions depend on it. otherwise if republicans win we're going to see a lot more of this. >> i actually do know what a dab is, okay, just for the record. it's -- it's this. >> seth: this has been "a closer look." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with aidy bryant everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight, she's the rock solid drummer from the acclaimed band black rebel motorcycle club who will be releasing a brand-new record later this year, leah shapiro is here. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for being here, leah. [ cheers ] you know our first guest tonight
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from her work as a cast member on "saturday night live." "snl" returns this week with host aziz ansari and musical guest big sean. please welcome back to the show our very good friend aidy bryant, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: hi, old friend. >> hello. >> seth: so good to see you. >> so good to see you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: this is beautiful, you look gorgeous. >> oh my god, seth. >> seth: so here you are. we're sort of in the second half of the "snl" season. >> whoo, you're telling me, bud. >> seth: you had a very busy -- one of the most busy schedules the first half of the year that i'd ever seen. >> i think it was like, yeah, it was the election, so they were like, let's pump these out. >> seth: yeah, they pumped them out and then you guys got through it. you did a great job, fantastic work. do you have -- personally do you have a favorite sketch of the year that you were involved with, that you helped write? >> i really did love our
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halloween sketch. it was like the girls halloween. >> seth: it was fantastic. >> thank you so much. [ applause ] >> seth: for those who missed it, it sort of went from -- >> thank you for the smattering, y'all. [ light laughter ] it really does mean a lot. [ light laughter ] >> seth: we flashed the "smatter" light. but it sort of shows girls getting ready for the halloween night out. >> that's right. >> seth: and then kept flashing forward to how badly it goes. >> yeah. and we were dressed as like cats and mice, and then it would cut to melted whiskers, like aah! [ light laughter ] kind of how it is. >> seth: did you ever have any real-life halloween meltdowns? >> yes, it's fully based on like a halloween that i experienced in college where i was dressed as a leopard and i thought i was very [ bleep ] cute. [ laughter ] and i was just like feeling myself so hard. and i went to like a theater department party, as you do. and i like went there, drank a little bit, which i couldn't handle at all. and then i kissed like one boy in the theater department. and then immediately went back to my dorm, called my high school boyfriend, and was like,
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i'm sorry! [ laughter ] like, couldn't handle it. whiskers like pouring down my face. >> seth: sad leopard. >> all full sad leopard. >> seth: yeah. that, so you're not really a big drinker. >> no, not at all. i would call myself a goody two shoes. >> seth: a goody two shoes. >> yes. >> seth: for those who don't know, one of the greatest nights of the year for "snl" staff members is what's called the writers party. it's the last thursday of the season. >> yeah. >> seth: and the writers and the cast go out and there's no guests. >> yes. >> seth: it's just a full-on boozer. >> and it is -- i would say like you take all the anxiety and like stress, and power from the season and you pour it into one night of drinking alcohol. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and -- i mean, this most recent one that we had at the end of last season, i would say it almost destroyed me as a human woman. [ laughter ] >> seth: because you drank too much? >> i drank so much that i blacked out.
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>> seth: okay. >> okay? yes. [ laughter ] i know! and -- i mean, i didn't even know how i got home. i had to like drunk detective piece everything together the next morning. so i put together that i -- >> seth: where did you wake up? >> i woke up in the hallway of my building. [ laughter ] on the floor. which is very humbling. [ laughter ] i made it look like a painted lady right now. but i also sometimes sleep on the hallway floor. and so, yeah like i woke up on the -- and the only reason i woke up was because i was hit by a newspaper that was being delivered to my neighbor's door. so like a woman came out of the elevator and just threw a newspaper down. [ laughter ] and i was like, huh! so i woke up and then i had -- i couldn't find a key, so i went down to my doorman, got a key, went into my apartment. and then i realized like, oh, i don't have a purse. i don't have my phone, or wallet, or anything.
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[ light laughter ] so then i went to work, like immediately. an ill woman, i puked a little at work. at "saturday night live!" [ laughter and applause ] and very humiliating, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> then like two days later, basically, a doorman was like, does this purse belong to you? because i had left it on some random floor. i guess when i got home i just pushed any button in the elevator. [ light laughter ] went up there. then was just like, i'll sleep in this hallway. [ light laughter ] then when i was awoken by the paper i just left my belongings there and was like, okay, i know where it goes, doorman, get me inside. you know, like full, full drunk monster. >> seth: we have a photo from this party. and i got to be honest, i think you look fine. >> yes. >> seth: look at you right there in the middle.
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[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> truly, truly very sad. >> seth: that -- that looks like a photo keith morrison shows on "dateline." [ laughter ] "that was the last we ever saw." >> i know. [ laughter ] the deadness in my eyes and the irish on my face -- >> seth: yes. >> is so full throttle. [ light laughter ] it's very rough. very rough. >> seth: i want to talk about something that's not rough at all. you have an angel of a dog named fuzz. >> thank you for saying that, yes. >> seth: thank you. >> i would call him a piece of trash that has become a treasure. >> seth: okay, gotcha. [ light laughter ] >> because he was a little rescue. he was like rough around the edges. but he's now a worldly angel. he travels with us. >> seth: how is traveling with fuzz? >> very difficult and bad. [ light laughter ] but it's like worth it. >> seth: yeah. >> he, you know, is good. but you have to like kind of drug him. >> seth: sure. >> you know, so he can handle being on the plane. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and like this -- most recently when we took him, he got out of his little bag after
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being under our seat and he truly was like -- just like waddling around the airport like, holy hell, where am i? it was very charming. >> seth: of course, you can't be that judgmental, that's basically the story you just told us about you. [ laughter ] >> wow. >> seth: basically. [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. >> seth: he was like, i learned it from you, mom. >> yeah, right. it's very sad i've passed it on down to my son. [ light laughter ] >> seth: is he an affectionate dog? does he love you as much as you love him? >> no, i don't think so. because i like do a thorough rub of like his belly and legs and everything. and he occasionally will just like, poop on our bathroom floor. you know? >> seth: right, yeah. >> but it's -- i'll take what i can get at this point. >> seth: you have some wonderful -- you do some -- what do you call this? >> oh yeah. well, i would call this gorgeous art. >> seth: gorgeous art. >> and, i basically, i take photos of him, and then i surround him in gorgeous emojis, to sort of give him a life that he's not living but i like imagine upon him.
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>> seth: all right, so what sort of life would this be? >> this one would be - [ light laughter ] this is a jock thinking about money and sex. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> okay? >> seth: that's a life he's not leading but you are giving to him via gorgeous art? >> yes, that's right. >> seth: what would you call this? >> this one i would call "fat gentleman." [ light laughter ] because he's has a lot of food but he's got a hat on, you know? >> seth: this -- i can't quite figure out this one. this seems to be some sort of office worker. >> this is a businessman thinking about a nice vacation. >> seth: so he's got a lot -- >> he's always thinking about things. >> gotcha. except, what's -- i don't know, so this is the last one. what's going on here? >> this is just a king in a field of tulips. [ laughter ] you know? kind of a simple -- >> seth: yeah. >> simple story. [ applause ] >> seth: a man with a simple, simple kingdom. >> it is what it is. you know? it is what it is. >> seth: it is what it is. thank you so much for being here. it's always a pleasure to see you. >> what a treat. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: have a wonderful show this saturday. >> thank you, likewise. >> jimmy: much love, aidy. aidy bryant, everybody.
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check out "snl" this week with aziz ansari and big sean. we'll be right back with patrick warburton! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is life... ... no football. this is football... first down. maybe not enough life. (children chattering) and this is the perfect balance of football and life. (vo) watch the 2016 nfl playoffs on nfl mobile data free with verizon. switch now and get up to $650 to cover your costs.
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made for real, real life.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night." you know our next guest from shows like "rules of engagement" and "crowded." he currently stars as lemony snicket in the netflix series "a series of unfortunate events." let's take a look. >> if you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. in this story, not only is there no happy ending, there's no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. my name is lemony snicket. it's my solemn duty to bring to life the sorry history of the baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. you in the audience have no such
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obligation, and i would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately and watch something more pleasant instead. >> seth: please welcome to the show patrick warburton! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ >> seth: thank you so much. so happy to have you here. >> well, i hope nobody's tuned into that program. i would ask you. it's great to finally be here. this is awesome. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, how long and hard have you been -- you guys been trying to get me here? [ laughter ] >> seth: well, i think your publicist actually reached out to us. [ light laughter ] >> apples and oranges. [ light laughter ] >> seth: okay, good. >> it's just -- i'm just glad to be here. we don't need to -- >> seth: let's just talk about how it happened. >> get all nit picky and weird.
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>> seth: i'm so happy to have you here. i've been a fan of yours forever, and this show is fantastic. it's beautiful. i know we showed one scene in a tunnel, so it didn't really quite tell people how colorful and beautiful the show is. but, you are the narrator throughout this entire show. you only deliver your lines directly to camera. is that -- are you jealous of other actors who get to interact with one another? >> yes, yes. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> as an actor, i kind of like to engage, you know. [ light laughter ] the other actors are neil patrick harris, alfre woodard. it's all theater snobs, anyway. >> seth: yeah, so -- >> so, i don't want any part of it. >> seth: you just like to look right down the lens, then. >> that's right. >> seth: just lock it in that way. >> neil's all, "i won a tony." he did win a tony. [ light laughter ] it's impressive. i mean, he doesn't brag about it. >> seth: yeah. he just says it, you know, and then, you confirm it. >> you know, he reminds us. >> seth: you -- there's a scene with a lot of reptiles. there's a room that neil goes in, a lot of reptiles. this is not alarming to you, reptiles, because you actually live in a home with reptiles?
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>> scarier creatures than uncle monty has in the reptile room, yes. >> seth: okay. >> my son has goliath bird-eating tarantula, which is the size of a dinner plate. they actually don't eat birds, but they've been caught eating a bird, and so somebody called it that. but they're -- >> seth: oh, yeah. >> they have fangs. >> seth: it sounds like if they caught eating a bird, they eat birds. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: they probably got caught having an affair with a bird, and then cover was, like, "i'm just eating it for dinner!" [ laughter ] so, you have a -- >> "who is this?" >> seth: "this, i have never met this bird!" [ light laughter ] so it's a giant bird-eating tarantula. >> yes. >> seth: you have that in your home. >> yes, and he has centipedes from south america that are over a foot long. >> seth: oh. >> yeah, they're wicked creatures. and he's got a snapping turtle and scorpions and hissing cockroaches from madagascar and a python, and these are all in the bedroom. >> seth: wow. >> yes. >> seth: is this -- has anything ever escaped? >> a snake has. and his girlfriend's left before and found in her home, a hissing cockroach in her shoe, so -- >> seth: oh, man. >> if it got in her shoe,
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they're probably around the house too. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> but they're all -- now he'll just acquire an animal, and then we find out later, he doesn't -- then mom gets upset. but he -- but the bad example is me, years ago because i -- we got a 1969 dodge charger. i had an old car i hadn't gotten rid of -- >> seth: uh-huh. >> before we got something else. and i was given instructions from the boss that no other cars until you get rid of this one. >> seth: got it. >> so i had talon go pick up the 1969 charger. >> seth: talon is your son. >> my son, talon, yes. >> seth: you named your son "talon." >> yes. >> seth: now he has a room full of creatures. >> yes. [ laughter ] you see how that works? [ applause ] >> seth: so talon goes to -- >> he goes to get the car and calls me up and says, "mom is really mad." and i said, "well, she'll be really mad. and then, in two days, she won't. and we'll still have a 1969 dodge charger."
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[ laughter ] and so now, that is the way he lives his life. so he gets -- he just puts more animals in the room. she comes in and she gets very upset. "we just had this discussion. there are no more creatures." and he has a no problem with her being upset because he knows that in two days she'll be fine, and he'll still have the python. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, exactly. i like it. it's a pretty solid strategy -- >> mm-hmm. >> i think, for pretty much everybody in any kind of relationship. [ laughter ] you are -- your wife is now letting you sort of indulge a teenage fantasy? >> i have a garage band. you guys are -- you have a great band. >> seth: this is a fantastic band. give it up for the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] >> i've always been a huge pearl jam fan, so apologies for the -- yeah. [ light laughter ] i preach the gospel of eddie vedder. i have -- so our band is the bearded pearl clams. that's who we are.
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>> seth: okay. >> we're a pearl jam cover band. >> seth: a pearl jam cover band -- >> pearl jam cover band. >> seth: called "the bearded pearl clams." >> called "the bearded pearl clams." >> seth: okay, good. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: your son has two of those in his room? >> yeah. [ laughter ] they are interesting. they are. >> seth: so -- and when, and what -- so you play -- how many people are in your band? >> well, you know, bass guitarist is my buddy chris, and then, guitarist and drummer. >> seth: okay, and have you done any shows yet? >> we mostly perform in the backyard. >> seth: okay. >> yeah. for friends and family. >> seth: friends and family, and what's their response have been so far? >> oh, it's been great, you know? what are they going to tell me? [ laughter ] they're not -- it's always positive. you know, i beg, even though i know the real answer, but i would be like, "really? was it all right?" and they're like, "yes." i go, "you're just saying that." you know, and eventually, someone gets so irritated with me, they're gonna, "i am just saying that! i am just saying that because" -- so far. >> seth: "you made us come and watch a pearl jam concert. >> i would be the guy if i was on, you know, "star search," right? >> seth: yeah. >> not "star search"?
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no. >> seth: "american idol." >> "american idol." >> seth: yeah, "star search" is for the kids. that's for the kids. [ laughter and applause ] >> if i was on "american idol," i'd be having it out with simon because simon cowell used to be on "american idol." >> seth: yeah. >> he'd be saying, "you're terrible." and i'd be, "i'm sorry but my kids and my entire family, think that i am great." [ laughter ] >> seth: and they weren't just saying that. >> "you're an idiot, simon." >> seth: yeah, sorry about that. >> "you are an idiot." >> seth: well, i hope i can make it to your backyard one of these days and catch a show. >> i do, too. yes. >> seth: but i'm going to be honest, if i'm there i do want to go up in your son's room and check out what's going on. [ light laughter ] >> please. >> seth: i would love that. >> please. >> seth: thanks so much for being here. big fan. congrats on the show. >> thank you so much, seth. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: patrick warburton, everybody! "a series of unfortunate events," see it on netflix now. we'll be right back with more "late night"! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you gotta go harder. come on. hey, yo brian, brian... stop, stop playing yourself.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. you know, being a host at "late night" is a demanding job, and i just realized that january is nearly over and i never made any new year's resolutions. i just never got around to
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making any. so, i was mentioning this today to my writing staff, and they decided they could write a bunch of resolutions for me. and they insisted that i stand in front of this mirror and read them out loud so that i could hold myself accountable. now the other thing that they thought was really important is that i not read these resolutions until this moment right here. [ light laughter ] and i'm confident that they wrote resolutions that will really help me be the best i can be instead of making me feel bad about myself. [ light laughter ] again, i have never seen these before. the first time i read these will be right here in front of you. let's go. ♪ [ light laughter ] >> seth: in 2017, i'm going to lose six pounds. and to make everyone in my building happy, those six pounds will be my weird italian greyhound, frisbee. [ light laughter ]
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[ audience aws ] i will stop procrastinating and finishing everything in the last second, except for sex, which i will finish in the first second. [ laughter and applause ] in 2017, i resolve to be a better father. i promise to change more diapers, starting with the one i'm wearing because it's getting pretty rank. [ laughter ] in 2017, i'm going to put -- i'm finally going to put up those shelves. and by put of those shelves, i mean hire a man to come to my apartment, awkwardly ask him if he needs any help, and feel emasculated as i hear hammering in one room while i read "the new yorker" in the other. [ laughter and applause ] this year i'm going to pick up a new hobby, like, maybe comedy. [ laughter ] i resolve to get more in touch
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with my feminine side and spend less time touching my masculine side. [ laughter and applause ] in 2017, i'm going to finally stop smoking synthetic marijuana. [ light laughter ] every kind, you know, spice, k2, black mamba, bliss, bombay blue, fake weed, george clooneys, zoe high, howie wowie, the declaration of spliff dependence, buzzfeed, peppermint squirts, clam, and donkey dong. [ light laughter ] i just love donkey dong. [ light laughter ] you know what? i'm never going to be able to give up donkey dong. [ laughter ] what can i say? i've just got to have that dong. [ applause ] i want to get really buff, so my wife stops mistaking me for her mirror. we'll be right back with music from bibi bourelly! [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: tonight's musical guest is a talented songwriter and performer debuting her new single "ballin'." please welcome to the show bibi bourelly! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ i got fired from old navy landlord keeps on knocking swear that he hates me ♪ ♪ sleeping on this old couch
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but i'm not complaining 'cause i'm still a pimp though ♪ ♪ like there's moulah raining ♪ ♪ and i ain't never ever been this rich ever i don't even make all that much dough ♪ ♪ ask my mama for a dub and raised her blood pressure now she got me working at the corner store ♪ ♪ but i'm ballin' ballin' i'm so freaking awesome vroom vroom yeah that's my camry roaring ♪ ♪ think the engine light came on now i gotta walk 15 miles to my apartment ♪ ♪ ballin' ballin, ballin' i'm so awesome, yeah ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ♪ ♪ oh lord yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ gormet heart them ramen noodles
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freak it with the hot sauce i do mcdonalds too though ♪ ♪ and when i wanna go out goodwill gotta do though sweet talking the bouncers 18 bucks i need two more ♪ ♪ and i ain't never ever been this rich ever i don't even make all that much dough ♪ ♪ ask my mama for a dub and raised her blood pressure now she got me working at the corner store ♪ ♪ but i'm ballin' ballin' i'm so freaking awesome vroom vroom yeah that's my camry roaring ♪ ♪ think the engine light came on now i gotta walk 15 miles to my apartment ♪ ♪ ballin' ballin, ballin' i'm so awesome, yeah ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ♪ ♪ jumped the gate subway station
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all the seats are taken ♪ ♪ this kinda lifestyle teach you patience i spend my very last savings on some takis ♪ ♪ i'm good at simbi's crib i don't need no hotel lobbies i doubt i'd get along with paparazzi yeah ♪ ♪ i just want a slim jim and a 40 ♪ ♪ i just wanna roll up to the sundown without my moms throwing a fit ♪ ♪ i just wanna party in new york in all the abandon warehouses ♪ ♪ with the hipster kids and bad bitches with hair on their armpits ♪ ♪ we wear designer clothes from thrifts my hair might not be laid and did ♪ ♪ but i'm ballin' ballin' i'm so freaking awesome vroom vroom yeah that's my camry roaring ♪ ♪ think the engine light came on now i gotta walk 15 miles to my apartment ♪ ♪ ballin' ballin, ballin'
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i'm so awesome, yeah ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ballin' ♪ ♪ oh lord [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: bibi bourelly, everybody! her "free the real, pt. #2" cd is out now. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our thanks to aidy bryant, patrick warburton, bibi bourelly, everybody.
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pcpc leah shapiro and, of course, the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hey, what's happening? i'm carson daly. this is "last call" here on nbc. tonight, death valley girls gets the snapshot treatment. holy ghost! performs from the

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