tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 19, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> stephen: thank you, everybody! (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) yeah, that's right! thanks, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! i'm stephen colbert. i'm so glad you're here tonight. i feel good. you feel good? >> jon: i feel good. >> stephen: you guys feel good out there? (cheers and applause) it's everybody's favorite time of year. it's late november, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: it's time for "people" magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. (cheers and applause) my stage manager always has a copy right over there. it's got david beckham on the cover. spoiler alert-- he's sexy. and i get it, he's a.
had to be considering the other contenders: idris elba's on the list; chris pratt; the justins: theroux and timberlake. we have yet to determine the sexiest justin alive. but i was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label. i don't care. not important to me! i don't care at all. no big deal. (applause) i'm not really into the whole "sexy" game. at least i wasn't until 2006 when they did put me on the list of sexiest men alive. now, whenever i'm not on it-- which has been every year since then-- it makes me think, "is there anything i could have done to be more sexy?" and every year my reply is "maybe. exercise?"
but i'm not going to be. sexy-shamed anymore. because i don't think the problem is me, i think it's the people at "people." because this year, matthew mcconaghey isn't in here. show where i played a character and this show where i play are there any similarities between us? well, it's cards on the table time: both of us think matthew mcconaughey is empirically, objectively sexy. (cheers and applause) that's a given. he's the gold standard. i'm not asking for him to be on the cover. if it makes becky happy to be on the cover good for him. but mcconaughey not on the list at all?! that's sexy malpractice, especially now! america is still riding the wave of the mcconau-ssaince. i mean, i tried to be fair. i thought maybe
mcconaughey has been sexy for so long that they had retired his sexy jersey. you know, raised it on the rafters of the sexy stadium. but even if that's true, that means he's shirtless right now, so boom! he's back on the list. (cheers and applause) so something doesn't smell right here. so i'm calling on people magazine to fully disclose the methodology for choosing your sexiest man. otherwise, readers may stop taking these lists seriously at all. (laughter) one thing i am serious about is tonight's show because it's great. (cheers and applause) i'll be talking to two-time oscar winner jane fonda. (cheers and applause) last time i interviewed her, she
sat on my lap and stuck her tongue in my ear. so this time, i'm going to have a safe word. it's, "please take your tongue out of my ear." then i'll sit down with superstar broadway composer andrew lloyd webber. (cheers and applause) he wrote the music for "cats," "jesus christ superstar," "phantom of the opera," and "evita." i don't know where andrew lloyd webber found the time to invent that grill. (band vamps) that sound right there is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. (cheers and applause) jon, i understand you have someone sitting in with the band tonight. who's that? >> jon: he's very special. how about brandon niederauer on the guitar?
(cheers and applause) brandon, you look like you're 12. how old are you? >> 12. >> stephen: all right. that checks out. want to give the people a little taste? (brandon plays) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wow. brandon! welcome to the show! thank you for joining us so much! well, brandon and the band are about to do it to it, but before they do... what the?
hey, what are you doing up there?! get out of here. get out of there! i'm doing a show here! that's the wrong door, buddy! i'm coming for ya! i'm coming for ya! what the hell? hey, i recognize that signature that was street artist "invader," defacing my set with valuable artwork. now, i'm going to get the whole theater re-appraised. anyway, before we get started, one more thing: donald trump says he has lost 15 pounds on the campaign trail so far. which is great news, because if campaigns long enough, maybe he'll disappear completely! (cheers and applause)
(cheers and applause) glad you're here. so glad you're here. these guys treating you all >> yeah. >> stephen: you let me know, okay? i'll talk to these guys if they give you any trouble, okay? no hazing. >> okay. >> stephen: no wedgies, jon. oh, we all had to get one! >> stephen: against company policy. i don't know about you, but after the attacks in paris, i don't want to talk about isis, or "isil" or "daesh" or "p-diddy" or whatever we're supposed to call them this week. here's the deal: if you want to live in the seventh century, you don't get to be on tv. but, after that senseless tragedy, the question of whether to let syrian refugees into this country has become the new political issue, completely overshadowing the old political issue: whether to let mexicans into this country. it's all anybody in washington, on the campaign trail, or on the tv box is talking about. so let's wander blindly onto the
news tarmac and get sucked into the fear turbines, starting with the news that this afternoon congress passed a new bill that would require the nation's top security officials to personally certify that each refugee admitted from iraq or syria is not a threat. it's called the american security against foreign enemies act, or "asafea," because under the law, no one will be let in with a name like "asafea". (laughter) (applause) besides, presidential candidate and man whose hair is a refugee from his scalp, donald trump, isn't even sure they'd want to be here. >> the weather-- a friend of mine lives in minnesota, and he calls me. he says, "can you imagine? it's 130 degrees in syria and now they want to send some up to minnesota where it's 30 degrees." well, these people are going to
cold. you keep 'em in syria. the weather's the same." >> stephen: yeah, it's a tough call for the refugees-- "do i stay in a war zone where my family faces almost certain death? or do i go somewhere i have to put on a jacket before i go to the mall? (laughter) (applause) i mean, you're walking around carrying your coat, you get all sweaty, then you go outside and it freezes. i'll take my chances with isis." (laughter) all the republican presidential candidates have come out against accepting syrian refugees. and yesterday, the president had some harsh words for them. >> apparently, they're scared of widows and orphans coming into the united states of america. first, they were worried about the press being too tough on them during debates. now, they're worried about three-year-old orphans. >> stephen: first of all, sir, i
three-year-olds. it's the a adults, also. shouldn't we be scared of three-year-olds? you think you can't negotiate try negotiating with a three-year-old. they play hardball. (applause) you don't buy them the toy in the store, they start yelling "you're not my dad." now you're running out of a store carrying a toddler yelling "you're not my dad." by the way, running makes it worse. (laughter) besides, not everyone wants to turn away every single refugee. >> both ted cruz and jeb bush have suggested in recent days that america should accept christian refugees from syria but not muslims. cruz explained by saying, "there is no meaningful risk of christians committing acts of terror." >> stephen: that's right, christians have never committed acts of terror. i'm sure. i'm sure these guys right here are just campers roasting
tents. and this kind of selective immigration is nothing new. like the plaque on the statue of liberty says, "give us your christians, and maybe one or two indian guys with engineering (laughter) (applause) while we're at it, i'm not sure about that big green lady, either. she's wearing a robe, sandals, funny head gear, holding a molotov cocktail. no way she'll get through a metal detector. we should hold her on an island until we know she's cool. jeb bush and ted cruz don't know if they can trust syrian muslims
but can relate the christians. prayer and following the teachings of his holiness moran mor ignatius aphrem ii prince patriarch of antioch and all the east. snake santa pope." come on, louisiana. he could be the king of mardi gras. of course, some have questioned how you tell christians from non-christians, and jeb bush has the answer. >> what does this focus on christian families actually look >> well, if you're christian, you can prove you're a christian. >> how? >> i think you can prove it. >> stephen: yeah, you can prove it. (applause) (laughter) when somebody shows up, just ask them to complete this sentence: "jesus said i was hungry and you gave me something to eat, i was
wel veoullhereummoe anlsor yr.lu 40doarba. soo li oca n.t t t pt.etio ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight has spent over 50 years in the spotlight as an oscar- and emmy-winning actor, an activist, a feminist, and a fitness guru. her new film is "youth." >> how many years have we known each other, nick? >> put me on the spot. let me count. >> 53 years. how many films have we done together? >> nine, ten! eleven. so after 53 years of friendship and 11 films together, you don't
(bleep) you, do you? you of all people? >> no, i don't deserve that. that's right, you don't deserve it. you deserve me to call a spade a spade, which is why i drag my ass here from l.a. >> stephen: please we can the great jane fonda! (cheers and applause) (band playing) how are you? >> i'm very well, thank you. very nice to see you again. >> stephen: it's nice to see you, too. and i hope we can keep this professional. because the last two times we were together, this is the first time that you and i were together, that is you breaking some of the rules from human resources, and this is the second time we were together
you, me and gloria steinem. >> you were asking for it. >> stephen: yeah, we shared a spoon of ice cream. that's the closest i've come to a three-way. (laughter) you are an icon of your generation. people say bob dylan was the voice of the baby boomer generation. you were the voice. you started the work out craze in the '80s when business became king, you started your own empire, married a billionaire, then became a person of faith, now started leading the way showing baby boomers how to age with passion and grace. aren't you really sort of the icon of the entire scope of the baby boomer experience? >> i don't know. my daughter says i'm a chameleon.
so it just depends on your point of view. i guess some people would say i'm an icon. but icons mean you represent something. so it depends on what it is you think i represent. >> stephen: well, the whole idea is they were a rebellious generation. >> when i was about 62 and i knew that the marriage wasn't going to work, ted said, well, people aren't supposed to change after 60. and i said, you know, i don't agree with that at all. i mean, i'm almost 78 and i'm still changing. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you definitely look like you're halfway changing out of that dress right now, actually. you look quite daring. i have to say, you pull it off nicely. >> i wore it especially for you, stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much! (cheers and applause) you say failures are what
what do you mean by that? >> well, it's not from your successes that you learn, it's from your failures and how you handle them that you grow and you learn. i read somewhere god comes to us through our wounds, not our awards and successes, and i think it's true. you know, everything i've learned comes from when i haven't done so well and i -- >> stephen: can you think of some of the mistakes or failures? >> i'm not going to say them here on national television (laughter) >> stephen: you have a new film called "youth" we just saw a clip of. you're bringing it pretty hard to harvey there. what's the film about? >> it's about aging. at least that's how i see it. it's a real work of art, but i think it's about how, if you still have passion and if you haven't become cynical and you've remained open to life, then no matter how old you are chronologically, you're still young. so aging is relative. you know, if people say i look young for my age, it's because i
feel like i'm a newbie. i feel like i'm just beginning, just learning how to do things. it's not what i expected at all. i think that's kind of what the theme of the movie is. >> stephen: you said that when you were starting out, you weren't sure whether you wanted to continue to be an actress because your father, the great henry fonda, didn't look like he enjoyed it that much. have you enjoyed it your whole career? >> not my whole career. i left it 15 years because i wasn't enjoying anymore. i don't know about other actors, but for me, if i feel bad about myself, it's hard for me to be creative, so i just left for 15 years. people think i did it because of ted, but i had already decided to go, and then ted sailed into my harbor and swept me away and it was great. so i spent ten years with him, five writing my memoirs. as i finished my memoirs, i realized i was a very different person, and i said to myself, i
think i could find joy in acting again. so i came back with the film "monster-in-law" which was the only smart career thing i did. i thought, well, people are going to come to the movie to see jennifer lopez, but they'll discover or rediscover fonda, and that's what happened. >> stephen: j. fo is what we call you (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll go to break and come back and talk more. >> i would love to. >> stephen: back with more jane fonda! (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) you look like a movie you sound like a song my god this reminds me
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. we're here with jane fonda. jane, besides the movie "youth" with michael caine and harvey kitel -- how much man meat do we get to see? this takes place in a spa. any cheesecake there? >> yeah, they're both naked. >> stephen: they are? yeah, and then there is a woman that's naked and that's alone. she's so beautiful. >> stephen: yeah? and rachel bise is in it. >> stephen: naked in it? almost. >> stephen: i'm going. (laughter) don't tell daniel craig i said that.
i just met him the other night. cuter in real life. >> stephen: super personal, >> very, very nice. >> stephen: i arm wrestled him once. we were having an interview and we weren't having a good time. i said, you work out, buddy? he says, yeah, i work out. i said, let's arm wrestle. it was like arm wrestling a backhoe. it nearly sheered my arm off at the shoulder. it was incredible. >> i'm glad because it would have been really weird if you had won. (applause) >> stephen: hey! now, besides the movie, you have a netflix series called "grace & frankie." (cheers and applause) now you're a busy lady. what's this one about? >> aging. (laughter) when i was in my 40s, i wrote a book because i was aging and i wanted to understand so when i want to understand, i write a book so i have to research. in the book, i said, you know,
my goal is to give a cultural face to older women. then i never thought it would happen because i left the business, but i'm actually doing it with lily, now. >> stephen: do you ever want to go back to that 40-year-old person who wrote the book and say you know nothing about aging? >> i wouldn't go back. i was so old at 20, ancient at 30, and i'm so much younger now! (applause) that's the theme of "youth." when people say, you know, when were you your happiest? i have to say now. >> stephen: really? yes! >> stephen: why are you happier now? you just don't give a damn about anything? >> that's part of it. it's, like, what the hell do you have to lose? do you know what i mean? so arrest me, already. so i'll go to the barricades. so i'm going to be an activist like you've never seen.
i neverthey haven't tried? (applause) i didn't finish telling you about "grace & frankie." >> stephen: tell me. it's about how to overcome trauma, about women in the 70s that have a terrible thing happen to them, the husbands leave them for each other after 40 years of marriage. >> stephen: are the husbands happier? >> yeah. >> stephen: are they happy for them? >> we just finished the second season and i won't tell you what happens. i'm rolling around in bed with sam elliott. >> stephen: wow! (applause) does h he still have a big mustache? >> a beard. i'm used to mustaches, though. it's a lot of fun. it shows you how -- you know, and women come up to me and lily and say you've given me hope because it eshows how you can come through a crisis and a trauma and be forgiving and be okay and still love life and
it's one of the most successful things netflix has and i think because it's so hopeful. >> stephen: one of the things that's great about it is you can watch all of it at once. >> six and a half hours it takes. >> stephen: people can can binge watch it. >> it's a whole new experience. it i took a plane from new york to l.a. and by the time i landed people had seen the whole season. >> stephen: wow. you also, you know, are obviously a feminist icon and you also like to use emojis. tell me if i'm wrong, but you like using emojis but there's no feminist emoji. >> right. >> stephen: there's a regular emoji. we know what the male emoji is right there. (laughter) there are a few -- see if you accept these as female -- as
this is one that exists now. a woman raising her hand, she's got the answer. is that feminist? >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. queen. is that feminist enough? >> i'd rather it be president but queen will do. (applause) >> stephen: gloria steinem was a playboy bunny. >> right, the steinem part of it is feminist. >> stephen: we made new emojis. >> a bra that's on fire? >> stephen: it's a burning bra. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's old school. no? this is -- it's a woman leaning in. (laughter) >> cheryl sandberg. >> stephen: 70% of a dollar.
>> that's the old colbert i love. >> stephen: miley cyrus? i like that. yeah. i'm big on cyrus. >> stephen: ruth bader ginsburg (cheers and applause) >> now there's an icon. >> stephen: jane fonda. (cheers and applause) >> and i think this is the feminist icon i like the most -- >> actually, let me tell you something about that. >> stephen: okay. benjamin franklin said that revolutions can begin in the muscles. that's true. so there. so this is feminist. >> stephen: jane, you know the muscle he was talking about, right? (laughter) benjamin franklin we're talking about here. ben had needs. (laughter) ben had needs. here's the feminist icon i like the most. >> it's me and you! (applause)
>> stephen: jane fonda, thank you so much for being here! always a pleasure seeing you! "youth" is in theaters friday, december 4th. grace & frankie is on netflix. jane fonda everyone! we'll be right back. ( band playing ) think your heartburn pill works fast? take the zantac it challenge! zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. when heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than
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( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is an oscar and seven-time tony winner actor and producer, please welcome andrew lloyd webber! (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) thank you for being here. >> thank you. i like that outfit. >> stephen: looks good on you. i don't know who that masked man is. >> does he work here? >> stephen: he just haunts it. i mean, i knew the little boy a because he's in my show. >> stephen: brandon over here. get a light up on brandon?
brandon is in your new show -- let's put that up there, school of rock, which opens december 6. (cheers and applause) >> he's something, he really is. >> stephen: he's incredible. are you having a good time in the "school of rock" band? >> yeah! >> stephen: that's show business right there. you are the composer of joseph and his amazing technicolor joseph and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat, "jesus christ superstar," "phantom of the opera," you actually were made a sir and a lord -- is lord better than sir? >> it's very difficult to say. you try saying lord lloyd webber. it's a nightmare. >> stephen: is it lord lloyd webber? >> i will get it wrong
>> stephen: does it come with anything? do you get to go to the house of lords? >> if you appear -- i don't have to go because i'm what they call a working peer. i'm not a political peer because i was put in as an honor. but i would go and take part and occasionally i do vote. >> stephen: would you be pro or con if they came down on arts or music? >> the kind of thing i really get passionate about is about music and education. i think music is such a vital part of children's lives. (cheers and applause) i have theme where kids sign up and the first week at school they're given a free violin and learn on that throughout their school days.
in was a school we would call a sink school which is off the radar workwise. >> stephen: a sink school? it's pretty much like that. closed. 46 different languages spoken. five years after the experiment happened with the children getting free music lessons each week, they got their first scholarship to harvard which is -- to oxford which is the equivalent of harvard. what's going on in the world right now, music and education is a vital thing. it's not for nothing that you don't find music in extremist islamic schools. >> stephen: your parents were musicians. was it like joining your parents at the factory? >> my dad was at the college of music.
my dad believed in two kinds of music, good and bad. he believed there were good and bad pop records, just as good serious music and bad serious music. >> stephen: you've written so many musicals, have you ever listened to a song from someone else's musical and gone, damn! i wish i'd written that? >> all the time. i wish i had written "hamilton" (applause) >> stephen: can you get me tickets? (laughter) >> i might be able to to speak to someone. >> stephen: do it. would you stick around? i would love to talk about some of your individual songs and the stories behind them. we'll be right back with more
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we're here once again with the great andrew lloyd webber. thanks for sticking around. >> thank you. >> stephen: thanks for bringing your own piano. he inflated it just a moment ago. (laughter) you have been creating these musicals since you were very young. joseph was your first hit. how old were you when you wrote that? >> i was about 18. i wrote it to school. >> stephen: damn you to hell. (laughter) >> it was written for a bunch of kids and these kids weren't necessarily able to really play instruments. it was something to entertain. >> stephen: why did you do it based on a story from the old the testament? >> it's a very simple bible story and i think a lot of kids know it in schools. we toyed with taking a james bond idea or something like that but in the end we came back to what we thought was a very
>> stephen: would you play a little? any dream will do >> that was the first one that was a hit. it was buried a couple of years because it was written for the school. it calm out as a piece. it was "jesus christ superstar" when that was a hit they said what else do these guys write. >> stephen: that's extraordinary. how old when you wrote "jesus >> about 22. (laughter) why the bible again, first of all? >> very good question. this time, seriously, we thought again about other ideas to do, but what really, really turned me on to the idea was the bob bob dylan line did jesus have god on his side.
>> stephen: jesus was the hero. >> he is. >> stephen: he has the opening song. >> yes. >> stephen: can you play a little bit of that? >> i can. my mind is clearer now-- at last all too well i can see where we all soon will be jesus! you've started to believe the things they say of you you really do believe this talk of god is true (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so why did you want to write about a dictator
in argentina? >> it was written in 1975 at a time when britain was very much in turmoil and there was a miner's strike that nearly brought the government down and a huge sense of unrest. that. >> stephen: the song everybody knows from that immediately is "don't cry for me argentina." jon batiste, would you come over here? (applause) jon, andrew. andrew, jon. don't cry for me argentina the truth is i never left you
my mad existence i kept my promise don't keep your distance (cheers and applause) >> stephen: beautiful! "phantom of the opera," still running on broadway, been 14th century -- 13th 13th century, my apologies. (laughter) the great song is "music of the night." night time sharpens, heightens each sensation darkness stirs and wakes imagination silently the senses abandon