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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 28, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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have a great night. >> jon: welcome stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show." stephen! stephen. >> stephen: hey! nice! come on! whoo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen!
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>> stephen: thank you. that's nice. that's the best kind of mindless mob. thank you for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert, everybody. happy to be with you tonight. because i've got to tell you, i was a little miffed this afternoon. it's good to be with friends. i'm upset. y'all know i'm a big fan of "lord of the rings." you guys like "lord of the rings"? ( cheers and applause ) you guys know this. because i'm a big fan, my ears pricked up-- much as a hobbit's would-- when i heard that scientists in brazil have discovered a new species of spider and named it after a "lord of the rings" character, smeagol. they say they named it smeagol because it's scary looking and lives in caves. okay, that's cute.
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i've got two problems with this. one-- smeagol wasn't a scary creature that lived in a cave. smeagol was a kind and friendly hobbit-like creature who lived on the banks of anduin, the great river, and enjoyed spending time with his friends and his family. ( cheers and applause ) one day, he was out fishing with his cousin deagol, when deagol was dragged into the water by a great fish on his line and at the bottom of the river, he found the ring right there. he took it out of the river. and when he opened his hand, the dark power of the one true ring seized smeagol's heart, causing him to kill his own cousin and take the ring. then, smeagol hid from his guilt and the yellow face of the sun, by retreating into a cave where his shame and his fear turned him into an unrecognizable creature. that creature wasn't smeagol anymore. that creature was gollum. you should have named the spider gollum! ( cheers and applause ) okay? spider-- gollum. you don't discover a venomous snake and name it "anakin." you name it "darth vader"! ( applause ) come on!
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only halfway through my problems here, by the way. hope nobody has dinner plans, okay? my second problem is, you want to name a spider after a "lord of the rings" character, why not choose the character that's a spider, shelob?! yeah. the last offspring of ungoliant whose poison killed the two trees, and who consumes light and vomits darkness, you know, spiders. i thought you guys were scientists. this is sad. this is a sad state of affairs. sad state of affairs. ( applause ) "washington post--" fact check me, okay. see me shake, all right. anyway, we have got a precious show for you tonight. my first guest is two-time oscar winning actor michael caine, ladies and gentlemen.
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the great michael caine. he is the second english knight to appear on my show this week. one more, and this studio legally becomes a "medieval times." i'll also be talking with the host of comedy central's "the nightly show," larry wilmore. ( cheers and applause ) i will ask him what it's like to host a news satire show right after "the daily show." that is a tough gig. and we'll have a performance from the singer/songwriter, producer and rapper boots. oh! oh, you hear that? that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. jon, oh, jon, i almost forgot to mention. i understand you have some distinguished funky guests with you tonight. >> jon: yes, indeed, super funky. how about a hand for vulfpeck?
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welcome, fellas. nice to see you. these fellas are about to tear the roof off this mamma jamma. but before they do, one more thing-- it turns out s.t.d. cases are at an all-time high, and some blame dating apps like tinder or grindr. so please, remember to use a condom, or at least an iphone case. ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes michael caine... host of "the nightly show," larry wilmore... and a performance by boots. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
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show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to the show! >> jon: bang! >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: it's a friday crowd. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thanks everybody. thanks, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, band. thank you, vulfpeck, for sitting in with the band tonight. they've got a new album here called "the thrill of the arts." can't wait to check it out. they'll be playing a little something later for the audience here. and, you know, folks, i like talking about the news, i like talking about movie stars and stuff like that, but i've got a shocking admission.
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i'm not particularly athletic. i'm more graceful. ( laughter ) i didn't play a lot of sports when i was younger. in fact, on our first date-- and this is a true story-- my wife asked me if i play any sports. i said, "i play a fair amount of hacky sack." and yet, and yet, she went on a second date with me! ( cheers and applause ) that is a keeper. ( cheers and applause ) ta-ping! i still got it. but i do like to talk about sports on the show here. and i will cover every sport that i can show without getting sued over licensing fees, which, unfortunately, doesn't leave a lot. mostly fish soccer at this point. that is a ridiculous sport. they never score that much in real soccer. so tonight, i want to take a
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fastest growing sport that involves sliding rocks on frozen water-- curling. frosty chess! ice road sweepin'! and broom goes the dynamite! now, for those of you who have yet to join the curl-squad, lemme break down the complexities of the game-- one person throws a rock across the ice while two others rub brooms in front of it. and you're all caught up. but that could change now. because the bomb-schpiel just hit the fan. before we go into this footage, i want to warn my more sensitive viewers at home-- you are about to see graphic depictions of canadian news. >> for centuries, the essence of curling has remained the same, but new brooms could change this ancient sport. announced they refuse to use them. >> a controversial prototype can put an extreme curl on a rock using a so-called directional fabric on the brush.
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enhancing brooms. folks, this is one sports controversy you can't just sweep under the rug. i bristle at the idea! try to brush off the allegations all you want, but this sort of thing doesn't happen in a vacuum! ( cheers and applause ) this could be the biggest curling scandal since the minnesota state champions were caught playing not drunk. ( laughter ) according to reports, these "icepad" brooms repel water better, allowing sweepers to carefully manipulate the rocks "as if they were controlled by joysticks." it's amazing. this means, soon, curling might take as much athleticism as playing video games.
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( applause ) ( laughter ) no one saw this coming, because no one watches curling. but these brooms first swept to prominence on the canadian version of "shark tank," called because everyone knows there are no sharks in canada, but it is infested with dragons. >> they showed off a slick demo. >> god, that's good. >> yeah, super fast! >> do you see how light it is? >> love it! >> and i do have really good connections in curling. >> very good. we'll take your deal then. >> done. >> with that, the icepad scored a rock solid investment. >> stephen: getting financing for a curling broom might not seem like a great idea, but remember, this is canadian "shark tank." so i assume out of politeness, they fund every project. "oh, two-in-one shampoo and toothpaste, eh?
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( laughter ) but many traditional curlers are calling foul, or whatever they call it in curling. "willynickle," i don't know. anyway, these guys don't like it. >> some of the brooms that have been made now, you would be able, never having curled in your life, to walk out there and have a rock back up four feet. for the true integrity of the game? >> at the end of the day, i think the integrity of the game is something we're trying to protect. >> stephen: i'm with gerry guertz here, who i don't have to tell you is from the world curling tour. the world. okay, this guy is curling in sub-saharan africa. you know how good you have to be to slide a stone in namibia? and gerry's right-- without integrity, the next time someone uses the manitoba rock for a takeout it will be meaningless. you can't just let curling be overtaken by whoever can afford
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that's what destroyed quidditch. don't believe me, ask quidditch player cedric diggory. oh, you can't because he's dead! think about it. i didn't kill him. and folks, i'm not alone. because just this week, the world curling federation stepped in and banned any brooms using waterproofed fabric and "stiffening inserts". now, i agree with that ruling, though i'm not 100% sure what "stiffening inserts" do. i've been assured i don't need them. ( laughter ) the point is-- the point is... ( cheers and applause ) hey. the point is, i'm a curling purist. as far as i'm concerned, it's all gone downhill ever since they started playing indoors. i prefer the original 16th century scottish rules-- just a group of guys on a frozen pond, hurling flat-bottomed river stones, then probably falling through the ice.
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whoever doesn't die, wins. now that's a sport. we'll be right back with michael caine.
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. oscar-winner who's long overdue for a third. >> do you know who composed that piece that you're practicing? >> no. who? >> me. >> i don't believe you. what's it called? >> "simple song number 3." >> and what's the composer's name? >> fred ballinger. >> and you, what's your name? >> fred ballinger. you can check at the front desk.
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>> well, incredible. >> yeah. it's incredible. >> my teacher makes me play it. he says it's a perfect piece to start with. >> he's right. it's very simple. >> it's not only simple. >> oh, really? >> it's also really beautiful. >> yes, it-- it is beautiful. i composed it while i still loved. >> stephen: please welcome michael caine. ( cheers and applause )
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>> well, that was great. >> stephen: well, mr. michael caine, thank you for being here. >> it's a pleasure. >> stephen: it is a real pleasure and honor to have you here. that clip that we just saw is from your new film called "youth." >> "youth," yeah. >> stephen: and i think one of the incredible things about it is that you're a man who has been around for a few years, but they actually had to make you look older to appear as an old man in the film. >> yeah, they did. they gave me a very white wig. ( laughter ) and black glasses. >> stephen: yeah. >> which makes the wig look whiter. >> stephen: that's one of the tricks you know from your hollywood days that i wouldn't know. >> well, i've got white hair, so i wear this like this, because it makes the white hair look darker. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'll remember that. your age. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'll write that hold on, "18 months..." ( applause )
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over 100 films, right? >> yes, i have, yeah. >> stephen: your first film was? >> my first film was "zulu"... well, i did lots of films when i was young, like two days on a movie, you know, as the butler or as the policeman who came in away. ( laughter ) and i always had two lines and i was very proud of all that, you know. dialogue and everything was "zulu." >> stephen: it is one of my favorite films. it's my family film. when we get together at weddings, we sing the regimental fight song. man of arlex you die beautifully in that film. >> yes. >> stephen: zulu spear, right? >> they do that when they don't want you in the sequel. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "zulu dawn." >> they did the sequel and it was peter o'toole. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. did you ever hang out with peter
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>> hang out with him? he became a star in a stage play called "the long, the short, and the tall." he's a fabulous theater actor as well as a movie actor and i was his understudy. >> stephen: really. >> yeah, and i used to go out with him on weekends until, one weekend, we woke up in bed together. ( laughter ) wait a minute, wait a minute. fully clothed. ( laughter ) on top of the mattress. and then this girl came in, and he said-- he said, "well, as it's sunday, you know, we better get up." and she said, "no, it's monday." and we had a show. and we said, "what time is it?" and she, "it's 4:00." we went on at 8:00 so we rushed off. after the show, there was a very cheap lunch shop called chicken and chips. and we went to have a little snack, we were hungry. we went to have a little snack
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manager went, "get out, or i'll call the police." and he said, "don't you ever come in here again!" ( laughter ) did. ( laughter ) ( applause ) build weekends like that anymore. >> no, no. ( laughter ) i gave up quite quickly. >> stephen: now, you-- you were growing up in london during world war ii, correct? >> yes. >> stephen: what was that like to grow up in a city that was under siege like that? because right now, with the terrible events that have happened in paris, and all over the world, really, people are sort of in a panic and depressed and they're not sure what to do with their feelings. what was it like being... how old were you? >> i was six when the war started and 12 when it finished. >> stephen: do you remember how people dealt with it? >> yeah, we dealt with it-- in different ways.
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air raid shelter in the garden. >> stephen: really? >> everyone had-- every family had their own air raid shelter. so we'd go down there. but sometimes you got used to it, you know. and it wasn't continuous, and there was always another secret weapon. and the worst one was-- one, the v1, you could hear it coming. >> stephen: the buzz bombs. >> the buzz bombs and you could hear it and you obviously heard it when it stopped and waited for the explosion. but the worst one was the v-2, which wiped out an entire street and you didn't know it was coming or anything. >> stephen: how did your mother deal with it-- did you have brothers? >> we were evacuated to the country, you know. they took-- and i was evacuated with my mother and my little brother, who was three at the time. >> stephen: and were you living in the city center and then went out-- >> yeah, we grew up on a farm, which was great. because i lived in the slums of london, and in those days, they
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warmth. and so london was always foggy, you know, and it was terrible air. >> stephen: what was charles dickens like? was he a nice man? ( laughter ) >> he was lovely. the main thing he wanted was a street named after him. and he got about 20 and something. no, i mean, we went to the country. and we had a sort of healthy life. and one of the things that i only noticed about six weeks ago, i remembered, i said my wife is a big organic food, and how we mustn't eat this and mustn't eat that and all that's going on. and i suddenly thought, in the second world war in england, for six years, we lived entirely on organic foods because there were no chemicals to put in the land because they were all used in explosives. ( laughter ) now, you know what happens to you when you eat all that stuff. ( laughter ) and also, we don't grow sugar in england. so there was very little sugar.
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or anything. so what happened to us, everybody, we all grew up on organic food for six years. >> stephen: wow. >> it was amazing. >> stephen: and that's why you can handle weekends like you just described with peter o'toole. >> it was lucky that we could, yeah. i mean, peter's only just died. he was about 86, yeah. we should have all been dead long ago. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, you know, i'd like to take a pause on that cheerful note. you can stick around for a second because i want to talk about the film "youth." we have to take a little break here. >> okay, fine. >> stephen: stick around. go buy these sugary snacks that we're selling to you. we'll be right back with michael
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epic comeback starts right here lucky shot. mmm mmm mmm mm mmm mm mmmmm
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back,
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we're here with michael caine. and, michael, your new film is called "youth." >> "youth," yes. >> stephen: and harvey keitel is in it. jane fonda is in it, who was you're an 82-year-old man, i understand. >> i'm 82 in the movie. >> stephen: why is it called "youth"? >> i wondered that. i'm 82 years old and the lead in people are going to be disappointed. ( laughter ) not really. what happened was in the story, i have a medical exam, and i get older and i go to the doctor for the results. and he says, "there's absolutely nothing wrong with you" to this old man. and he said, "you know what we call that?" and i said, "no." and he said, "youth." and that's where they got the title from. but there was another line in there where i had this scene with the doctor and he says to me, "how does it feel being old?"
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"i don't understand how i got here." ( laughter ) and i thought to myself, "neither do i." ( laughter ) ( applause ) you're all very young here, and i'll tell you what's going to happen when you get to my age. you're going to go, "what happened? about eight years ago, i was 36. and it's all gone by so quickly, you know." but a reporter once said to me, he said, "how do you feel about growing old?" i said, "well, considering the alternative, fantastic." ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: you also, in the-- in the movie, your character is a noted composer. >> yes. >> stephen: and the queen wants him to conduct... perform that piece that the little boy is playing. >> yeah, yeah, yeah.
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>> "a simple song." >> stephen: and he refuses the queen. he won't do it. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're a knight. can the queen order you to do things now? >> no. ( applause ) >> stephen: then what good are you! what good are you! >> no, i've already done it. i served the national service in the army, and i'm too old to go to war, so it's okay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: does it come with anything good? do you get a badge or anything like that? >> yeah, you get a lovely medal. >> stephen: really. >> it really is very nice. cops and say, "everything is fine, officer. there's a knight on the scene." >> you can't flash anything at english cops. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, michael caine, thank you so much for being i hope we see you many times again. >> stephen: sir, it's a pleasure. >> god bless you. >> stephen: the film is "youth." we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste, stay
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those guys sound fantastic. welcome back, folks. as you may have heard, donald trump hosted nbc's "saturday night live" recently, bringing the show its highest ratings in years. it was a huge night for the long-time comedy institution, also pretty good for "s.n.l." ( cheers and applause ) but there was-- ba-boom! there was one downside. trump's appearance triggered one of our few remaining election laws, the f.c.c.'s equal-time rule, which states that all "qualified candidates" "are entitled to the same quantity, day part and price as their opponents" for television broadcasts. it's like how when your niece does a cartwheel and you say "good job," you also have to complement her less-athletic brother by saying, "hey, cool inhaler, buddy. i'm sure you're great at hacky sack." now, actually...
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actually invoking this law is pretty rare, because it makes you seem petty and desperate for attention. so five candidates have invoked it-- john kasich, lindsey graham, george pataki, mike huckabee, and jim gilmore. now, no one panic. you haven't fallen through a wormhole into an alternate dimension, where you're supposed to know that jim gilmore is running for president. you're still in this universe, where no one knows that. i'm not sure jim gilmore knows. jim, if you're watching, you're running for president. seek help. ( laughter ) the point is, these five men want to force you to look at them. they're like subway panhandlers- - "excuse me for bothering you, ladies and gentlemen. i am not a drug addict. however, i am running for president. if you could find it in your hearts to spare a small donation, of the legal limit of $2,700, i promise, i will use it to find a good job in washington, d.c.
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doo-wop! di-di-di-di-di... show time! whoo! show time! ( cheers and applause ) no? you guys don't see those guys on the subway? you guys see those guys on the subway? i have a bag of sandwiches, if anyone is hungry. >> jon: hey, hey, hey, over here! >> stephen: no, they're mime sandwiches, jon. >> jon: okay, >> stephen: so get ready to see a lot more of these fellas, because they're demanding that nbc give them 12 minutes and five seconds of air time, which trump was on camera at "s.n.l." sia was just trump in an even more elaborate wig. ( applause ) ( laughter ) could be. don't know. and they could end up getting this equal time, because this has happened before.
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"s.n.l.," so rival candidate and leaking bean bag chair joe lieberman got nbc to cough up 28 minutes, which he used to broadcast reruns of a lieberman town hall meeting. ugh, don't you hate it when you curl up to watch a lieberman town hall meeting and it's a rerun? ( laughter ) it all worked out great for lieberman, who famously went on to become our nation's 43rd not- president. and it's not just nbc-- the equal time rule applies to all tv broadcasts, which is a problem for me because, as long- time viewers of this show know, it is a tv show. so we checked with our network's lawyers, and this is absolutely true-- it turns out there are guidelines i can use to protect myself. the first thing i learned is that, according to the f.c.c., equal time applies only to content that shows a candidate in a "positive" light. it's like the old saying-- "if you can't say anything nice,
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( applause ) for instance, if i said hillary clinton has cool sunglasses, martin o'malley could sue me for equal air time that makes him look good, which is not hard. damn, son! get it! get it! i wish i had some quarters to pump in your navel because i'd like to do a load of whites on that washboard right now. yeah! man! that's the commander in briefs right there! ( applause ) clearly, he's got foreign outreach because he's got a brazilian wax! i also found that the rule has never been applied to coverage lasting less than four seconds. so i can get away with saying something positive about ohio governor john kasich, if i keep it short like, "governor john kasich looks like he might be good at bowling." ( buzzer )
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i also-- i also learned that i can say whatever i want as long as i don't say it while showing the candidate's likeness. so from now on, when i want to say something nice about someone running for president, i'll just put up a picture of something else that reminds you of them. for instance, i can say positive things about ben carson as long as i say it under a picture of a sleepy otter. ( laughter ) ( applause ) or in the case-- in the case of chris christie, the mucinex man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) for hillary clinton, i'll use this image of bill clinton, though not as much as she's going to use it next year. for donald trump, i'll use a fire hydrant. for bernie sanders, maybe a picture of gargamel. and for former front runner jeb
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burning dumpster. ( applause ) so by staying within these guidelines, i can finally say without fear of legal action, "this is the greatest slate of presidential candidates america has ever known. we'll be right back with larry wilmore." ( applause ) ok, we're here. here's dad. mom. the twins. aunt alice... you didn't tell me aunt alice was coming. of course. don't forget grandpa. can the test drive be over now? maybe just head back to the dealership? don't you want to meet my family? yep, totally. it's practically yours,
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the volkswagen sign then drive event. zero due at signing, zero down, zero deposit, and zero first months payment on a new jetta and otherselect models. there's got to be a way to redeem our hotel points. i just want to take a vacation. this seems crazy. tell us something we don't know, captain obvious. ok. with, when you collect 10 nights you get one free. oh. and this room smells like cat food and sadness. hi everybody it's alexandra gert! and this is my after holiday haul. i got some really great stuff at old navy... sweater. shut the door! everything in the store is up to 75% off. wait, seventy, five! you, go to old navy! all: milk! milk! milk! milk! milk! okay! fun's over.
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thirsty? they said it would make me cool. they don't sound cool to me. guess not. you got to stick up for yourself, like with the name your price tool. people tell us their budget, not the other way around. aren't you lactose intolerant?
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the host of "the nightly show" on comedy central. please welcome larry wilmore. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) >> very nice. >> larry! larry! larry! >> oh, my god! oh, my god. >> stephen: that's nice. >> i know. thank you very much. >> stephen: watch it. watch it. >> i'm taping in your old studio, and that's actually what you left me is the chant. the chant is alive in the studio. >> stephen: oh, yeah, it has a mind of its own. >> the chant just starts happening. and it's great. >> larry! larry! >> stephen: you have plenty of reason for people to chant for you, sir, because you're an emmy
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writer, producer, performer. you wrote for "in living color," "the fresh prince of bel air" and "the office." you created the "bernie mac show," one of the executive producers of "blackish," and now host of "the nightly show" on comedy central. >> stephen, stop it, please, stephen. >> stephen: before this, did you perform this much? you're on. >> i did. >> stephen: you did? 160 shows a year? >> yes, i did. i actually did-- no one was there. no, no, i didn't do that many. i started my career as a stand- up comic and actor. i studied acting at school and that sort of thing, and there was a certain point where i thought maybe i should start writing and producing because hollywood wasn't hiring my type of thing-- no, it's true. if you were a black comic, when i was coming up, you had to be "urban," as it was. like, you were from the "ghetto." >> stephen: you're not sufficiently urban? >> correct, correct. >> stephen: i-- you're slightly more urban than i am. >> slightly, slightly more urban, yes. but you're pretty urban, stephen. >> stephen: am i? >> yeah. when you're doing that subway guy, man.
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>> stephen: thank you very much. were you tempted to give me some money? >> i was pulling the money right out of my pocket as you were doing it. over at the end of the night, do you go home and watch it? >> i cannot watch my show? do you watch yourself? i can't watch myself. >> stephen: i'll wait until you answer first. >> no, i can't. no. >> stephen: why not? >> i can't-- i'm too self- conscious. here's the first thing i think-- "god, my head is fat." that's the first thing. >> stephen: that's it. you watch with mute on. you're pretty funny, you should turn the mute off. >> then i would be saying fat head and no sound. why would i do that? that doesn't even make sense. >> stephen: really? in that case i don't watch my show, either. like you guys are tied to the news cycle all time now-- so am i, obviously. i broke that curling story tonight. >> that's right. >> stephen: one of my favorite things about not doing the news every night is i can sort of disengage from it whenever i want, and do it whenever i want it. but you're hooked in. you're vacuum-locked into the news cycle.
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>> i am ready. this is the most exciting election that i think i can -- >> stephen: it's fertile. >> it's unbelievably fertile. it's that type of fertility-- you know when the soil has that real dark color. >> stephen: oh, yeah, loamy, rich and loamy. >> and it's good fertile, but you know what caused that fertility, right? right? ( cheers and applause ) you know, you know exactly what's underneath it. i love it. can't get enough of it. can't get enough of it. it's fantastic. >> stephen: you're also-- your book, which is called... "i'd rather we got casinos, and other black thoughts." >> yes, it is, yes. it actually -- >> stephen: now for the first time available in paperback. >> it is. i wrote it a few years ago. >> stephen: you wrote it a few years ago. >> i may have to disavow myself from some of the things. some of my favorite things in there-- here's what it is. it was like a fake collection of things. >> stephen: what do you mean?
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these things over the years and someone collected all my black thoughts and put them in a book, okay. there's one essay called, "bring back the shetland negro." that's not real. what it means is it's an essay about how america was at its happiest when we had webster and gary coleman, who i call "shetland negroes." >> stephen: because they're small like a pony. >> and they're cute. >> stephen: exactly. that was morning in america. that was in the reagan years. >> correct. america loves the shetland negro. they do. and i think america got less happy when the shetland negro went away. i really do. this is my theory. i think it's true. i think there's some science to explain it all, too. and that's how the terrorists win, when shetland negroes go. sorry to break it to you. ( applause ). that's just how it goes. >> stephen: your show is, to a certain extent, got a focus that other shows don't. you talk about, well, minorities. you talk about underdogs.
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america? >> there's this kid who-- he was going to give his valedictory speech-- i think it was in texas or something-- and he was going to come out in his speech as gay. it was very emotional. and the principal said he couldn't do it and called his family and outed him to his parents. his parents didn't know he was gay. it was a terrible thing to do. so we brought the kid on the show. >> stephen: that was great. >> we were all crying, and he gave his speech. in the first part of the speech, he said, "my favorite late night host is stephen colbert." "stephen colbert! i brought you on my show." how could you say that? ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a great kid. >> he said that! it's a true story! >> stephen: larry, thanks so much for being here. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: "the nightly show" airs at 11:30 p.m. on comedy central. "i'd rather we got casinos and other black thoughts" is
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i think i'm in heaven. we asked real people what they thought about chevy and their year end deals. i'm buying this. the back is hot. ohhh my god. that seals the deal. you can have like a thousand gadgets. it really can't get any better than that. wrap up the deals and wrap up the year in a new chevy. current qualified competitive lessees can get this chevy cruze limited for around $202 a month. and get one thousand lease cash on select cruze vehicles in stock. now you're gonna make me go buy a chevy. crispy m&m's are baaaack. what are you doing? you said to tell our fans crispy m&m's are back. not those fans! did you mean this fan? no. (annoyed grumbles) what about that one? there's a fan in the break room, oh! and in the....(trails off)
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they say when mr. clean saw all the different things his new smart phone does... reminded him of his magic eraser. it's not just for marks on walls... it's tough on kitchen grease... and bathroom grime too. he's your...
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people are shocked, that this process is so easy. every person that i helped, i wanted to help 10 more people after that. it just made me feel good. come into work everyday, and just knowing that i was going to make a difference in people's lives. come get health insurance, it's easy.
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i just love helping people. i don't want anybody to be without health insurance. enrollment for 2016 is happening now. >> stephen: folks, i'm so excited about tonight's band that i changed into a new suit and tie. ( laughter ) now performing "cure" from the album "aquaria," ladies and gentlemen, boots. >> ambulance who's watching your family, kid? get paid off damages who's collecting millionses suffrages do you think you could get me good coverage? helicopter i could own so that everybody sees me from the throne peace to inflate come on, everybody, let's suffocate
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come on, everybody, there's cash in the rat trap c-u-r-e everybody, come on, everybody that's comin' for it here's your nominees they ain't got spit on me cure c-u-r-e cure wish me luck come on everybody, lets save a buck anyone could tell you that you got bad luck but a teacher can't teach us how to give a [no audio] looming in the bright blue blaze fuming in a wall street haze c-u-r-e they ain't got [no audio] on me cure ambulance who's watching your family kid? who's collecting millions, and millions, and millions, kid? ambulance who's watching your family kid? who's collecting millions, and
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don't change your mind don't change your mind everybody telling hot crooked lies roller coaster ride, we all get to heaven so improvised so doomed, baby, doom baby get you up in my tomb, maybe c-u-r-e that's what i be cure who's collecting millions, and millions, and millions? who's collecting millions, and millions, and millions, kid? gold in the field right lane, go i just feel that they've already lost it is it grey or do you want it for every note?
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own destruction who's collecting millions, and millions, and millions, kid? ambulance who's watching your family, kid? who's collecting millions, and millions, and millions, kid? cure. cure. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "aquaria," available now. boots, everyone! thanks man, that was beautiful.
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