tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
tomorrow. >> stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! wooo! yeah. hey! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, friends. thank you, citizens. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. thank you so much. have your seats, everybody. welcome to the show. i'm stephen colbert, licensed driver.
doing all right? ( cheers and applause ) that makes me heart feel good because i know there's a lot of fear out there these days. and i believe it's part of my job to come out here every night and assure you there's a brand new thing to be afraid of. ( laughter ) because someone-- and this is true-- someone has stolen abraham lincoln's hands. yes, you heard me right. a museum in kankakee, illinois has reported that their plaster mold of the great emancipator's hands was taken in december. do you whan this means? they've got his fingerprints. somewhere out there there's a thief that can unlock lincoln's iphone now. it could have some racy picks of mary todd on there. back in november at gettysburg,
that's head and shoulders. now they just need the knees and toes! knees and toes! ( cheers and applause ) and there can only be-- there can be only one explanation. clearly, some mad man is assembling a franken-lincoln. so i'm warning and calling on my viewers to be vigilant. if you have any other lincoln parts-- the lincoln torso, lincoln legs, or let's say even the lincoln log, just hold on to it tight! we'll get through this. in the meantime, we've got a great show for you tonight! first up, i'll be talking with the star of the new movie, "13 hours," john krasinski. ( cheers and applause ) have you seen him? he's jacked. he got jacked. the movie is about benghazi, so
will eventually be read at a congressional hearing. then i'll be talking with hip-hop artist and half of run the jewels, killer mike. ( cheers and applause ) we will be talking music, politics, and really anything else a guy named "killer mike" wants to talk about. ( laughter ) i'll also be talking with harvard professor, geneticist and molecular engineer george church. he says he may be able to bring back the wooly mammoth. i assume by breeding an elephant with a cashmere sweater. ( laughter ) and we'll have a performance british indie rock band foals. ( band playing ) -- speaking-- speaking of music, that sound must be jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) where about to-- we're about to start the show but before we to, one more thing-- new research found late-night
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: that's nice. i don't know if y'all ever watch the news. you guys ever watch, it? sometimes. they've got some good stuff on there. don't watch too much of it. and there's a big story that everyone is talking about right now. it's. a group of heavily armed protesters who have occupied something called the malheur national wildlife refuge in a remote area of southeast oregon. i haven't seen this many angry bearded men in oregon since i referred to blue moon as "a craft beer." max, it's a good beer, max. don't get angry. i like the orange. it's fun. these guys who have taken over the thing call themselves a
feller named ammon bundy, and if that name sounds familiar it's because he's the son of the legendary cliven bundy. now, you might remember that name from back in 2014, when... cliven fought the government over grazing fees on federal lands. and lost all sympathy when he started saying stuff like this. >> i want to tell you one more thing i know about the negro. >> stephen: okay, um, don't need-- don't need to sing any more of that song. okay. have that fumigated. all right. and now his son is continuing that anti-government tradition. and if that's what cliven's son ammon is up to, i shudder to think what's in store from the cliven grandchildren. i'm gonna guess rando, pervin, and krampus?
good-looking kids. now, ammon and his group say they began this protest to speak up for ranchers dwight and steven hammond, who went to jail for burning 139 acres of federal land. and aamon's protest on behalf of these guys upset some people-- specifically these guys. >> stephen: yes, the hammonds want to be clear: they're not anti-government militiamen. they're simply antigovernment arsonists. please. now, the militiamen say they're ready for the government's response and are willing to die for their cause, or from boredom because the government is not responding. as one retired u.s. marshall said: >> the best approach now is to wait the group out. >> stephen: probably not what the protestors had in mind. that's like taking over the alamo and then not being surrounded by mexicans.
complete doofus. and i gotta say, the coonskin cap does not help. but maybe this is a win-win. is it these guys down here are determined to stay put indefinitely at the malheur national wildlife refuge, why not just let them and rename it the "the ammon bundy preserve for the armed and cranky?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) after all-- ( applause ) these confused, fragile, heavily armed creatures need someplace to live where civilization won't upset them. they are clearly endangered. although it's hard to know exactly how many there are because their camo is so good. ( laughter ) here's one standing between two bushes, i believe. ( laughter ) and, sadly, there's no hope of establishing a breeding program
a sausage-fest. and while these men might be great patriots, they're not great planners. because evidently, they didn't pack a lot of food, so they turned to facebook yesterday and asked people to send, "supplies, or snacks, or anything." ( applause ) yes. snacks. what heroic, lone wolf, go-it-alone, mountain men have always needed: gogurt, string cheese, and lunchables. i want you to hang in there, fellas because help is on the way. you may remember viewers at home, weeks ago i mentioned oros on the show, so oroze sent me a truckload of oreos and an actual oreo hotline i could use to reach nabisco directly any time of the day or night to request more oreos. and if ever there was a
so i'm deploying the oreo phone. ( cheers and applause ) hello, oreos? this is stephen colbert and-- what? yes, i realize i am holding this up to my deaf ear. i said, i am aware of that! i need more oreos, stat! only don't send them to my office. this week, i'll be broadcasting from 36391 sodhouse lane, princeton, oregon. just leave the cookies at the end of the driveway and then back away slowly. we'll be right back with john krasinski. ( applause ) uh right now you can get 15 gigs for 100 bucks plus $15 per line
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say about me? he died in a place he didn't need to be. in a battle over something he doesn't understand. in a country that meant nothing to him. every time i go home to becky and those girls i think, "this is it. i'm going to stay." and then something happens and i end up back here. why is that? why can't i go home? why can't i go home and just stay there? please welcome john krasinski. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
look at this! >> stephen: isn't this lovely? >> look at this! this is the most beautiful church i have ever been to. >> stephen: thanks very much. thanks very much. we're here to receive your confession. >> well, okay, well, in that case -- >> what could you possibly have done? >> nothing. >> stephen: you're the nicest-seeming guy i've ever met. >> i think so. >> stephen: seeming, seeming guy. >> super dark underbelly. >> stephen: you might be a very good actor and only seem like you're a sweet puppy dog. >> all right, let's stop talking about it because you're revealing the truth. >> stephen: well, let's reveal one truth about you right now. everybody knows you from "the office," and everybody knows you as jim. and a bit-- i'm not going to say doughy, but i'm going to say office body, office body. for this new movie-- >> you can say doughy. >> stephen: this is the new you. look at that. that's what we're dealing with right now. ( cheers and applause ) look at this.
( cheers and applause ) >> yup. >> stephen: now, listen, did you always-- did you always want this? are you one of those gietz who is going to go, "i can't believe i had to do that." >> i looked like that in "the office." you just didn'ty see it much. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: that would have been-- well, that show would have been successful if you only had. >> exactly. >> stephen: seriously, this is like endless work here, isn't it? >> it's a lot of work. yeah, it's a lot of work. and it's real work, too. i thought it would be like, "yeah, let's eat a couple of power bars and do push-ups." and he was like, "no, it's going to be a living hell for six to eight weeks." weeks. >> we did twoization day with my trainer, he did bradley cooper on "american sniper." two-a-days pulling sleds, pushing weights. i was like, "what about these bicep curls?" and he was like, "no, it's so much harder than that." you have to do 80 push-ups by tomorrow. i couldn't do one pull-up.
one pull-up when you startd and this is what it was like in the >> yes. >> stephen: how does your lovely wife, emily blount, how does she feel about it? >> she hates it. she would like to have doughy boy back. >> stephen: it's a dramatic change. >> it's sweet faced. >> stephen: you're still sweet faced. >> thank you. >> stephen: in this you play a a-- a-- a contract security person. >> c.i.a. contractor, yes. and it's-- it's an amazing story. again, i think people think they know a lot about benghazi because it's been in the news a lot, but i don't think they know -- >> there have been hearings. it was in the news almost immediately after it happened. >> exactly. and there's been so much talked about politically, that i think we've overlooked the human story of these six guys and what they did that night. so basically, it's six guys who were not active duty. so they're not in the military. they had no obligation to go help anybody.
in a drop of a hat they left and put their lives on the line and were, in my opinion, the true definition of heroism. i think we tell a lot of super hero stories and i think it's nice to tell a story about real heroes. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: agreed. now, the story, or the events, the tragedy of benghazi is-- is a very political one now. is it a political movie? does it take any sort of stance or lay blame? >> no. and the cool part was the prologue of the book that it's based on, they said the guys themselves who wrote it, they said, "we understand there's a huge political storm around this moment, but this book is solely about the night and what we did that night." you have to think of it as it happened before the political storm that came after it. this is just about what they did that night, so it's not a political quagmire that anybody thinks it's going to be. >> stephen: are you from a military family? >> i am, a big military family. so to me this was one of the proudest moments of my career to
light on the sacrifice and heroism that my cousins, aunts, and uncles have put on the line every day. >> stephen: did you get to meet the guys who were actually there. >> di, i did. a lot of guys were on set with us. my guy is still confidential, jack silva is his name-- which is not his real name. >> stephen: if it was, i would have to have you killed right now. ( laughter ). >> exactly, just bleepped out, and i'm gone when we come back from commercial. >> stephen: you're going to be gone when we come back from commercial anyway. >> oh! >> stephen: no, it's just the struck the upper of the show. >> walked right into that one. >> stephen: nothing bad. i don't want the audience to worry when we come back and there's somebody else there. no one snatched you, you know, you know, took you to a bulgarian-- >> let them try! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, you're-- seriously. >> thanks. >> stephen: kind of depressing, because, you know, you are-- you have a great career. you've got that, you've got emily blount. are you trying to make people
>> no, no, listen, i am one of the luckiest guy guise in the world and i know. >> stephen: you sure are. i'm a fan. you know i like you. >> i like you a lot. >> stephen: we got drunk together at the kennedy center honors. >> we did. >> stephen: it's one of the greatest places to get drunk because we're surrounded by so many wonderful people. >> and the kennedys-- well, just the idea of a kennedy is all around you. >> stephen: but they know how to party. >> they do. even the kennedy center knows how -- >> i just want to say this. i want to preamble they like you and i'm a fan of your when i ask how did you get emily blount? >> i don't know. it was a little aggressive. >> stephen: i asked the same thing of daniel craig during the commercial break. i said, how did you get rachel weiss, you're james bond, but come on. you're john krasinski, but she's emily blount. >> when i first met her i was so nervous. and everybody was like, "what was your line?" and it was this.
and i was like, "pretty good." >> stephen: i promise some day i'll look look like this. i promise. stick with me. >> and i touched her face, and she said, "don't do that." and then called security and we got marry gld it wasn't a green card situation. >> no, although she now is a citizen. oh, boy, i hope she sticks around. >> stephen: speak of this, she can kick ass. she has done a bunch of action films. >> i trained near her when she was going through that. and i watched her fight train-- because we trained out of the same gym. and then she did, like, very extreme fight training. and i walked by a door just to be like, "hey, how's it going? in and she was punching and elbowing in this bag that was starting to open with, like, fluff in it. and all i could think was, "please don't have a nightmare tonight. please don't have a nightmare tonight." >> stephen: we had a ton of fun when she was on here. show them. we did a vomit-off.
( laughter ) rhet, if you-- ( gagging ) where shall i go? ( laughter ) >> stephen: we had-- it's a little something that steve carell and i were known for doing, fake vomit. >> i have to tell you, it might be my favorite thing in the world. >> stephen: okay. >> and the first thing that bonded steve carell and i on the shoal was i pretended to puke and he said, "do you know that's my favorite thing in a world" based on a bit you did. >> stephen: called "waiters nauseated by food." that was thent of "gone with the wind." and i thought it might be fun with we did a climactic scene from "a few good men." you be tom crews and i'll be jack nickel son. >> cornell jess up did-- cornell jess up did you-- hahelp cornell
>> stephen: you can't handle the tru-- ( gags ) ( applause ) and scene. ( cheers and applause ) john krasinski, "13 hours" opens nationwide on january 13. we'll be right back. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage and clear skin in many adults. doctors have been prescribing humira for 10 years. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems,
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i'm neil patrick harris and new york is my home. no place has more world class culture. come winter, i can't wait to visit our must-see collections of art and superb photography and film. new york has beautifully restored theaters, that are now important centers for the performing arts. and museums that preserve the glories of the past.
couple weeks, millions of people went to see "the force awakens," pushing it's box office past "titanic." sorry, jack. you died for nothing. ( laughter ) "the force awakens" has a 93% certified fresh rating on rotten tomatoes. but i'm a catholic, so i get all my movie reviews from "l'osservatore romano," the official newspaper of the vatican. that's right, they have a newspaper. some stories are just too complicated to report through colored smoke. and "l'osservatore romano" was not impressed. just look at their headline: "confuso e sfocato." now i don't know what "sfocato" means, but it sounds either very insulting or very delicious. "i'll have the veal sfocato, please." suffice to say, these guys-- and i assume they're guys-- were not fans, calling the movie "confused and hazy," even adding that the blockbuster
the vatican-- and this is true-- gave a better review to "spotlight." i'm not joking. they were especially disappointed in "the force awaken's" villains, saying they fail "most spectacularly" in representing evil, and "the counterpart of darth vader, kylo ren, wears a mask merely to emulate his predecessor." i didn't have a problem with the mask, but i was upset that, when he took it off, his hair was somehow perfectly fluffed. ( laughter ) how is that possible? if that's what you get with the dark side, sign me up! but i have to say, this review has me really torn. i'm caught in a crisis of faith between deeply held beliefs embedded in me since childhood and the catholic church. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, before-- ( applause )
you can applaud. so before you jump on them for not enjoying "star wars" as much as we did, let me defend my church by explaining why they might have issues with it. for one thing, it's the story of a savior, born in the desert, chosen to redeem mankind. that's copyright infringement. ( laughter ) you think god is vengeful? you should meet his lawyer, ira. ( laughter ) now, it doesn't help that the original trilogy featured a father, a son, and a holy ghost. the catholic church might take issue with a bad guy who spends the entire movie trying to stab people with a cross. and keep in mind, both "star wars" and the catholic church have large followings of virgins. ( applause ) so get off their back. we'll be right back with killer mike.
please welcome killer mike. ( cheers and applause ) killer mike thanks for being here. >> thank you. my wife put me on a diet, i lost four pounds and now i can't keep my pants up. >> stephen: thank you for wearing your formal sweats for us tonight. >> actually, these are formal. this is my p.t.a. meeting outfit. >> stephen: oh, really, when you have to go talk? >> exactly, when i have to go talk around other parents and you don't want to dress like, you know, a rapper. you put on a sweat suit that has a cardigan sweater. >> stephen: when you go meet your kids in elementary school, do the teachers go, "now, killer mike, i want to talk to you." >> they say that after we discuss why my child is fighting. ( laughter ) >> stephen: could it have anything to do with your name, killer mike? >> it's the girls that are fighting. the boys are pretty good. >> stephen: girls can fight. it's a whole new world. >> yeah. >> stephen: why killer mike? >> i didn't name myself.
some kid was standing in the mirror and decide he look like aid killer. i would have like bike bougati mike, or ferrari mike. i rapid as a kid and rapped really well and seven or eight other guys and stood on a desk and said, "that kid's a killer." and after that nobody ever called me skunk again in my life, just killer. >> stephen: killer, that's awesome. your original name is michael render. >> michael render is my name. >> stephen: that's a good name, too, mike render. like you're tearing the mike apart. >> and my daughter's name is michael render. >> stephen: your daughter's name is michael? that's a pretty name for a girl. >> i think so. she's got to stop fighting. >> stephen: we all have to stop fighting. we all have to stop fighting. >> yes. >> stephen: as i said you're a civic leader. you're socially active. >> i am. >> stephen: hip-hop artist. >> i own barber shops. >> stephen: you do own barber shops. >> i'm part of a very good rap
we're working on part three right now. >> stephen: it was just announced you guys are going to be included in coachella this year, right? >> back to back. >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> we are back. >> stephen: this year, if i can speak for all white people, ( laughter ) -- >> i prefer you speaking for all white people. >> stephen: another you speak for all black people, okay? >> today i do. >> stephen: okay. this year, tragically, a lot of people in the white community have found out about the life of african americans in ferguson, baltimore, north charleston, other places around the united states. do you think the awareness that has risen through these garage traj dees has changed anything, at least through dialogue. >> white people watching, google jane elliot, she has an experiment, the blue and brownide experiment. i encourage people to watch that, it will actually grow you. you no, back to stuff that will make you laugh. if white people are now just discovering that it's bad for black or working class people in america, they're a lot more blind than i thought and they're
ignorant than i thought. the same problems we're discussing today we discussed in 1990, 1980, 1970, and 1960. and until we call a spade a spade and this problem is coming from conditions we're creating or allowing to happen as a white group of people who hold a certain amount of power -- >> do you think there's a systemic attempt in the united states to isolate poor and minorities, to put them in communities that can be controlled? >> it's not an attempt at all. it's successful. if you look at daly and the highways in, which he built the highways to seg gailt people. there's no round-about way to do it. absolutely. >> stephen: again, speaking for all white people what, can we-- what can we do to bridge the gap between the communities of color? should you-- you own barber shops. should white people start getting their hair cut at black barber shops? >> i hope so. >> stephen: because there are conversations going on at those barber shops that we're not part of.
hair cuts, so, absolutely. i would like that. i would like that. ( cheers and applause ) i speak at colleges often, and when i speak at black colleges, and i speak at white colleges, a slightly different message. the message they preach to white kids that are in tallahassee, atlanta, georgia tech, places like new york, is get outside the college environment, find a child who is marginal or doing exceptional in school who is a minority, doesn't look like you, not of the same religion, not of the same background, help that child matriculate into college. help them by being a big brother, big smentoring them. don't give them gifts and make yourself feel good, hey i bought teachers. what you're going to get out of that experience is another human being taking full advantage of an educational system that can help them in their community. but it grows you as a human being to have empathy for someone who didn't look like you
background. >> stephen: speaking of cument rally, speaking of culturally-- we've only got a minute here. speaking of people not culturally from your background, you're feeling the bern. you like bernie sanders. >> i do. >> stephen: okay, as quickly as you can, tell me why you believe bernie is the man. >> dr. king in hills last two years of life talked about a poor people's campaign, organizing unions on behalf of poor workers, organizing against perpetuating violence in vietnam. berpy sanders is the only politician who has consistently for 50 years taken the social justice platform into politics. and right now we have an opportunity to elect someone who is directly out of the philosophy of kingian nonviolence. we can directly elect someone who cares about poor people, cares about women, gay, black rights. cares about lives that don't opportunity in history is not going to come in another 20 years, not going to come in
( cheers and applause ) if we do not take this opportunity right now, we're going to be sitting around a campfire mad because they've niewkd the world to hell, i'm afraid, you know. >> stephen: i hope that doesn't happen and i hope you come back. killer mike. stay right there. killer mike, everybody. run the jewels. among other things. barber shops. we'll be right back. dad, you can just drop me off right here. oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine. you don't want to be seen with your dad? no, it's..no.. this about a boy? dad! stop, please. o, there's tracy. [ horn honks ] what! [ beeps, tires screech ] bye dad! it brakes when you don't. forward collision warning and autonomous emergency braking. available on the newly redesigned passat.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a harvard medical professor, a biologist, a geneticist, a chemist, and an engineer whose work with d.n.a. is transforming our biology and our future. please welcome george church. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: george. thank you for being here. please, have a seat. that was-- how was your ride on the science mobile? >> oh, it was very energy efficient. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it's-- that's a
that's coming out of your check. george, thanks for-- nice to see you again. >> yup. >> stephen: now, for the people who don't know, you're a professor at harvard medical school where you run the church lab. you've already transformed biology when you helped map the human genome. you're not editing d.n.a. to fight disease and resurrect and i think species. how do you edit d.n.a.? >> so there are a wide variety upon the one that's attracting the most attention now is crisper. it's kind of a buzz word -- >> crisper, that sounds like an app. >> yeah, it's a big app. ( laughter ) tiny molecular machine, actually, that can go through and with 20 a.c.g.s and t.s you can program it to go wherever you want and cut d.n.a. >> stephen: in someone's body? >> yes, in gene therapy, in human cells. >> stephen: what you can do with it? how are humans being modified right now? can you give me wolverine claws? what-- >> yeah.
right now with this? >> i think you're better off without them. ( laughter ) so right now, it's being applied to things as diverse as eliminating malaria, by working on making malaria-resistant mosquitoes. >> stephen: malaria-resistant mosquitoes? >> yeah. >> stephen: so we cure the mosquitoes so we can't catch it from them. that's cool. that's like curing werewolves so we can't get it. >> yeah. ( laughter ) there you go. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and h.i.v. and hepatitis. so the crisper actually is designed-- or came from bacteria, where it would kill viruses. >> stephen: and where is this crisper? where does it live? >> so it normally lives in bacteria, and it's been transplanted -- we and others turned into technology where it can now work in plant and animals and human cells. >> stephen: so you're taking, like, this d.n.a. from a little bacteria, and you're injecting it into plant and animals.
doctor? >> hopefully, there will be lots of safety and efficacy testing. >> stephen: aren't you playing god or are you just growing his beard? ( laughter ) ( applause ) what is-- >> yeah. >> stephen: you must hear the "playing god" thing a lot, right? >> yeah, i think the-- we're not in that league at all. i mean, creating the universe in a couple of seconds, it's more like we're playing engineer or working at being engineers, trying to develop safety procedures. >> stephen: can we grow organs now? could you use gene therapy to grow me a new organ? >> yeah, you can grow organoids. you can take human cells and differentiate into very complicated tissue including brain and lungs and so forth. >> stephen: how long will i live now? i'm 51. is there a chance this gene therapy is going to extend my life or is it only for people being born now?
demonstrations in animals at aging reversal. you can see a wide variety of bio-markers -- >> what! >> where you can get blood vessels, skeletal, cardiac muscle and so forth -- >> give them to me. i have to cut a check, i bet. right? it's who you know. that's how you live forever, it's you who know. >> yup, now i know why i'm on the show. >> stephen: can you bring back the wolly mammoth? i would love to see one. i'd love a wooly steak. can we get one? ( laughter ). >> we can read the wooly mammoth genome, which is pretty amazing. they have been and i think for a long time. and we can now write it. we can edit the genomes with crisper and we've done this. we've made 15 edits of bringing back and i think d.n.a. >> stephen: please grow one and bring it back on the show. that would be fun. that's serious ratings. that's serious ratings.
also, the wolverine clause, i'm up for those, too. thank you for being here. george church, everyone. we're all going to live forever. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) come seek the royal caribbean. olive garden's all-new flavorfilled pastas, with raviolis so nice we filled them twice. bursting with indulgent flavors like chicken marsala ravioli, or smoked mozzarella manicotti. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. starting at $12.99. for a limited time. at olive garden. take one of those pillows and take a big smell. they smell really fresh what if we told you we washed these sheets 7 days ago. really? no way downy? downy fabric conditioner give us a week, and we'll change your bed forever. want more freshness? add new downy fresh protect. why is philips sonicare the most loved electric toothbrush brand
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i see it more and more each day i see a fire out by the lake i'll drive my car without the brakes i see a mountain in my way it's looming larger by the day i see a darkness in my fate i'll drive my car without the brakes oh, gimme some time show me the foothold from which i can climb yeah, when i feel low
i should go i see a mountain at my gates i see it more and more each day and my desire wears a dark dress but each day, i see you less oh, gimme some time show me the foothold from which i can climb yeah, when i feel low you show me a signpost for where i should go through lanes and stone rows black granite, wind blows fire lake and far flame go now but come again dark clouds gather 'round