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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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[ cheers and applause ] welcome to the late show. thank you so much! >> thanks so much. >> jon. what is going on, you all. >> what is happening. >> stephen: i am stephen colbert. as you see i have my ball and my glove. i love playing the ball and glove. the ball and glove since i was a little boy and i brought it out here of course because last night was major league baseball's opening night. how exciting. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: yes. feels good. last night was opening night and perfect timing because i think some of the games from last year just ended.
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pastime rewards the patient. yesterday, there was a world series remarch between the mets and the royals. and here in new york, it feels like october all over again, in raining. i want to apologize to our audience here. earlier we had to roll a tarp over them. very good. and even though we are just one day into the season, espn has already picked the toronto blue jays to win the world series. to win the world series. yes. that's right. >> i don't think that is fair. because canada uses the metric system and if you convert -- >> and it looks like colbert doesn't like what she seeing out there.
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joke from the writers. [ cheers and applause ] >> meanwhile in las vegas, the cubs are a four to one favorite to win the world series. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that would be the biggest upset since -- >> shakes off another one. what do you think she looking out for out there? >> well he might want to go straight down the middle. maybe a joke about donald trump's hair. >> yeah. >> sure. >> and here comes the manager. >> and colbert is not too happy about it the. he wants to stay in and finish this thing. >> yeah, well, while they work this out. let's go to the kiss cam. >> [ cheers and applause ] >> and he is refusing to give up
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>> you hate to see this. >> and it is over! >> the manager, looks like he is calling in someone else to close. who is that coming out? let's see. it is hall of fame pitcher pedro martinez! [ cheers and applause ] >> martinez has three cy young awards and a over 3,000 career strikeouts. >> on the other hand after 18 seasons in the majors, zero jokes told. >> the windup, and the joke. >> the opening day game in yankee stadium was called due to bad rain, but the "new york post" still blamed it on a-rod.
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>> tonight stephen welcomes matthew perry! >> nick offerman! and musical performance by explosions in the sky! featuring jon -- >> and now it is time for the late show with stephen colbert! [ cheers and applause ]
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hall of fame pitcher pedro martinez, everybody! come on. give it to me. give it to me. man. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: there is nothing like it. there is nothing like it. nothing like a little ball and glove. it is amazing. look at that. right. there watch this. >> boom. right there. my pitch. >> just a little bit more. >> what did you say? >> get your arm on top a little bit more. here. watch. >> stephen: like this? >> oh, come on. come on. my arm -- my arm is going to be -- my arm is going to be a meat pack tomorrow from throwing it this much. >> if you throw it this way, it won't. >> stephen: if i throw it this way, it won't? >> yes.
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right here, baby doll. >> it is going to get better. right here. >> stephen: come on, give me the heat. there you go. >> please don't give me the heat. i love my teeth. >> there you go go. >> stephen: one more time. one more time. pedro martinez, everybody! very smooth. good to see you. >> good to see you too. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: pedro come on. this is a good guy. this is a good job. i get to throw a baseball around with pedro martinez. who all this year will be an analyst on m mr., b network so check him out and speaking of checking people out, say hi to the band, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: now, jon, for those who may have noticed
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special guests with the band today. tell everybody who will be playing with the band all night tonight. >> jon: oh, my goodness, some of the inventors of funk music here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: how about it for george clinton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: and on drums, although he reinvented the bass, he is playing the drums tonight, booty collins. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: and on keys, one of the people i looked up to forever, bernie wovment orrell. worrell. >> stephen: gentlemen, thank
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tonight, marnie, boot city, george, george, did you bring the funk tonight? >> we got the funk. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: now, you know, it is like bringing gum to class. did you bring enough funk for everyone? >> i brought enough funk for everybody. >> stephen: is there going to be funk enough. >> we are going to be funking up for the rest of the night. thank you so much for being here. we are honored. for those following around with your new scorecard, tomorrow is the wisconsin primary. speaking of cheese heads, donald trump -- mmm, mmm, mmm. mmm. oh, smells like a nice aged gouda. this week, the tide seemed to turn against trump. in national polls, just 30 percent of respondents held a favorable view of trump versus 63 percent who held a negative
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negatives go all the way up to 70 percent. [ cheers and applause ] >> well that's what they say about trump, love him or hate him, statistically, you probably hate him. >> if trump makes it to the general election he will have the highest unfavorables of any major party nominee since 1836 company gonorrhea t. rickets 1836 company, gonorrhea t. rickets. company. >> .. we all remember his battle cry, clap for rickets. >> now donald trump is having an extra hard time with women voters, especially after last week when he said that if abortion becomes illegal then women that get them should face some sort of punishment, that will not play well with trump's female supporters, both of them.
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actually believe that, i think, or he does, it is hard to tell. since trump took five different abortions in three days. he flipped flopped, then flooped and flupped. >> still, if trump is slipping in wisconsin, you wouldn't know it from his twitter feed, because last week he tweeted thank you, wisconsin, along with a graphic trumpeting his 37 poll number in giant font, though right below it in a much smaller font is cruise at 38 percent. cruz at 38 percent. >> and while this does create the appearance trump is number one and it also creates the appearance that he doesn't know how numbers work. it is like facing a potential loss he has resulted to almost cartoonish tactics so to the
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welcome cartoon donald trump. >> stephen: thank you for being here, mr. cartoon trump. >> thank you for having me, stephen. and thank you, wisconsin, whoo! whoo! >> stephen: oh, okay, okay. who indeed, who indeed. i understand. now mr. cartoon frump. i do want to remind you that you are losing in wisconsin. >> i disagree. look at the numbers, stephen. mine are clearly bigger. they are huge. my numbers could crush ted cruz ease numbers in a pay-per-view fight in my las vegas hotel. the best buffet. so much shrimp you will think you died and they dumped your body in the ocean. >> stephen: that doesn't sound appealing and lovely but that doesn't change the fact that cruz. >> then those which nights will have to be punished. >> stephen: wait. you are going to punish voters
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>> no, that's not what i said. >> stephen: yes, it is. >> no, it isn't. you better stop or i will spill the beans about you. >> stephen: what beans do you have about me? >> that you like beans. beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. it is pa they pathetic. >> stephen: okay. so you are not concerned that ted cruz might get more voters tomorrow? >> no. because i am going to get the biggest votes. i am talking checkmarks so huge you are going to need two ballots just to fit it on there. tremendous. huge checkmarks. >> stephen: but you can't win an election just by increasing your font size. >> stephen, i guarantee i have never been accused of having a small font. listen, listen, seriously, there is no problem in that department, believe you me, it is helvetica bold. i have a beautiful penis. >> it never takes a bad picture. >> stephen: i understand. but do you understand how
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they have to get bigger as you count up. >> sure. bigger, one, 17, 68, 4, a obama, zero. >> stephen: that is new orleansnotbigger, those are just random numbers. >> no, look, look, looks, they clearly get bigger. look. look, look. >> stephen: i see. i see. i completely -- i see. you -- it is how you count -- >> you have to count by individual digits. >> okay, you want digits. here is an individual digit. right here. here is an individual digit for you. here is another digit. what is two. i call them the trump do you recognize. >> towers, take a good look,. >> stephen: cartoon donald trump, everybody. we will be right back with matthew perry.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: everybody out
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want to check our website, the late show's website tonight because you won't want to miss the funk-plosion is that is going on tonight. you will want to check it out. my first guest tonight is an actor and a writer who started for many years in "friends", he is now in "the odd couple" on cbs. >> come on, felix, hurry up. hors d'oeuvres are almost ready. hors d'oeuvres are ready. >> who. generic cool ranch chip. what are you talking about? we are going to watch boobs and dragons or "game of thrones". >> i am so sorry, but i already watched this episode with emily. >> with all of the trouble i went through. look, i made dip.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: yeah, welcome to the late show funk town. >> they really did bring the funk. >> stephen: they really did and spreading it evenly over everyone in the theatre. i am so happy to have you on. i have been a fan for so long. >> thank you. >> stephen: obviously since 1995 or 1996. >> 1994. >> stephen: 1994, wow, you are dating me. well. >> am i dating you? you know what, you could. you are a charmer. >> you are a charmer. >> stephen: you could date me if you wanted. i am very open-minded. i am in show business. >> sure. >> aren't we all? >> stephen: sure. you now are living in london, i understand. >> i am. >> stephen: what brings you across the pond? >> well, i wrote a play called the end of longing that we are now doing at the playhouse theatre in london. and it is going very well. audiences are responding very
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>> stephen: you are not in it, i suppose. >> i am in it. i am in it. >> you are a long way from london right now. >> i know. >> stephen: so are you taking a little break right now? >> i am taking a little break to promote "the odd couple" because it comes on on april 7th. >> stephen: season 2. >> so we went dark for the play for a couple of nights and then i fly back tomorrow and then start up again. >> stephen: do you like living in london? is it like -- have you ever spent any time there before? >> i have been -- i have done a play in london before and i love london. london is a great city. i don't love the weather. the weather in london is pretty much every day like it is here today. >> stephen: yeah. >> so i came to new york expecting a nice spring day and i was like, this is london all over again. so. >> stephen: does it get to you? >> it gets to you a little bit. you constantly want to take a nap. >> stephen: now did they ever conquer the world?
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>> it is gray and dreary and rainy all the time. and i am doing the same play every night so -- it is sort of like groundhog day. >> stephen: and what are you learning? >> what am i learning? >> stephen: yes. what is the lesson you learning from this? >> so far i am learning that you and i could date. >> stephen: that's the biggest lesson i have learned so far. >> stephen: me too, me too. it came as a very pleasant surprise. >> do you like the english people? >> i am fascinated by the english people. i am fascinated by the british accent. i think because of my grandfather. >> stephen: did he have an english accent. >> he did not have an english accent. he grew up in -- he lived his whole life in williamstown, massachusetts, and he used to run track in the twenties and i would go visit him in williamstown, massachusetts and not a whole lot to do in williamstown so one night i decided to rent the movie chariots of fire thinking he
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was about people who ran track. and -- >> stephen: class city, definitely an old-time movie. >> and at the end of the movie he said i hated, i hated the movie. and i said what are you talking about? this won the academy award and we loved this movie and he said i just didn't buy in the way anybody was speaking. and i said what are you talking about? and as it turns out my father, my grandfather to his dying day thought that all british people were making up the accent. >> >> stephen: did he have a >> yes. >> stephen: what was that? >> in an effort to impress people, he thought that all british people were talking that way just to impress, just to try to impress us. >> stephen: if you follow that logic out to its natural end,
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british? it has to come from some place. >> impressive accent. >> stephen: of course it is. >> i think it makes people sound >> stephen: it can, it can. >> i think british people sound smarter than we do. >> i think to europeans they sound like hooligans, i think like heavy drinking hooligans. >> that's very thoughtful. >> stephen: now you are doing >> yes. >> yes. >> congratulations. it is the number one new comedy on television last season. >> thank you. [ applause ] >> stephen: with when do you guys start up. >> april 7th. >> stephen: april 7th. adjust couple of days from now. >> rights after the big bang theory and then us. >> stephen:. >> yes. >> stephen: it is a nice place to be. very nice. nice real estate there. how did this come about? because there have been several iterations of the odd couple over the years, how did -- i understand this was your idea to do this. >> yeah, i was driving in my car one day and i thought, they should remake "the odd couple".
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this but it has been 45 years since the original tv show was on so it has been a long time and i was a huge fan of the movie. >> stephen: and the tv show. >> and the tv show and i thought they should remake "the odd couple". i should play oscar madison and it should happen at cbs and it all just happened. >> stephen: you make hollywood sound very easy. >> i do. >> stephen: how did you find your field -- your oscar, tom lennon is great and i have known tom for a few years and a funny talented writer in his own right. >> very few nun, funny guy. we went on a nationwide search to find the right actor and too mass came in and just started talking to us and he didn't read, he just started speaking to us and we were like, my god, we found felix unger and i have now known him for two years and
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in character or just being himself. i don't know. >> stephen: does he have any felix like characteristics? >> yes. he cares around purell wherever he goes. he has lis streen strips, he is constantly doing yoga, he has all of this exercise equipment in his dressing room. it is the first day of shooting each season, he brought in all of this exercise equipment into his dressing room and i just brought an xbox into mine. >> stephen: you are really more like oscar. >> i am much more like oscar. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. are there any people from the original show back in the sixties working on it? >> one of the most fun things about it is gary marshal is an executive -- >> stephen: the great gary marshal. >> penny marshal's brother,. >> stephen: made so many great shows. >> including the odd couple. >> stephen: yes. and. >> and when he signed on, it is like oh great he is going to sign on sort of in name and neat to have his name attached to it but he actually has been to
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read and he pitches jokes. he was even involved in building the sets when we were building the sets. he, one note when we were building the set, he said put a peephole on the door. so he said peepholes are funny. so we put a peephole in the door. >> stephen: that you can't question. >> no, gary marshal. he blows us from the mountaintop. carve that into stone. >> and we were lucky enough that he plays oscar's dad in one of the episodes this year. and we have a couple of dramatic scenes we had to play out together and some really -- he was -- he was just a joy to work with, and he was hilarious. >> stephen: so how much longer are you in london? >> i am in london until may 14th. >> stephen: okay. and when is the premiere? it is this thursday. >> april 7th. >> stephen: april 7th. all right. 8:30 here on the columbia broadcasting system. >> that's exactly right. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest, rose to game on "parks and recreation" and since has become the apolls of, apostle of red meats and
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offerman. .. >> i am so excited. >> isn't this exciting. >> please and thank you. >> stephen: i am glad you did not resist getting your funk on right now. >> i can't, i can't resist that. >> i didn't mean to. i couldn't help it. >> stephen: it just took you. >> well -- umar farouk -- >> you can put that right here, if you want. >> it seems like -- >> stephen: it would be nice. we were thinking about getting a table over there but pembroke and left stuff there. >> i have a few pieces with me. this is weird. >> i have a few pieces with me i am still putting finish on. >> stephen: you are a woodworker.
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let me grab something real quick here. >> i brought you a gift. >> stephen: oh, my goodness, that is beautiful. >> this is cameron myrtle, with eastern black walnut legs. >> stephen: that is beautiful, thank you so much. >> that will work perfectly. >> stephen: now, you do a lot of woodwork. do you have a company name for this. >> yes. offerman web shop, we have a website and add.com to the end of that. >> and here is a coaster. >> stephen: here you can use the questions i was going to ask you. >> thank you very much. >> that is the second nicest gift i have gotten from a guest. >> that is big talk. >> stephen: yeah. >> well i have some smooches from some ladies a couple of
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>> it is still early. >> stephen: that does look like it tickles i have to say. thank you for being here. thank you for being here and thank you for enoughing up your beard before coming out. you have a nice sort of wedge going on in your face. >> i am hoping would cast me as a viking one of these days. >> stephen: oh, you would make a great viking. >> have you studied much of the scandinavians people. >> a bit, i am fascinated with the viking funeral. >> stephen: oh, yes. >> would you like to be set on fire in a boat when you die. >> i would. >> stephen: a boat you built, i imagine. that's right. my friend chris pratt has been contracted to shoot a flaming arrow to light the funeral boat on fire. he. >> stephen: it is a beautiful boat that you built, actually. this is a canoe. >> yes. [ applause ] >> that's my second. it is called lucky boy, made for my friend jimmy. >> stephen: jimmy is a lucky man. >> he is.
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of -- i am so impressed really of your woodwork i sent you a picture of a boat that i made to try to impress you. now why did mine get laughed at? what do you think of my boat? >> it is beautiful. yes. >> i mean, it is not a work of art like that is, but i don't think it garners laughter. >> no. >> i would like to see all of your boats that are laughing so hartley. >> stephen: exactly, exactly. you and i have bonding right now. i am bonding to you because i feel very attacked. >> well, that's the nice thing about a boat is we can paddle away from all of these sons of bitches. [ applause ] >> stephen: now, you have a reissue of a book i enjoy called "gumption".
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>> stephen: now, gumption, by the way, seems like something that ron had. are there things that are different between you and ron? >> sure. i am a mincing sissy compared to ron swanson. you know, we both like red meat and single malt scotch and ladies that look like my wife drive us crazy. but i am a complex human being. he is an edifice of a man but i have taken ballet. >> stephen: now, explain to those of us who don't like live the life of gumption, who don't necessarily have the gum shun described in this book, what is gumption? >> what is gumption? there is a quote by my favorite writer and hero who is featured in the book, wendell berry, and maybe slightly paraphrasing with apologies but he says he likes people who see the work with
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get to doing it. and i think that's what gumption is about, is people with the grit and the gravel and the pith to roll up their sleeves and get to work. they don't go shopping for anything on amazon. they make themselves a tool from an ash tree. >> stephen: they know they will have to put their cup down somewhere so they bring their own damn table. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, that might be the actions of someone aspiring to gumption. >> stephen: the most gumption-ee person you gave me an example of, the one that resonates the most for me is theodore roosevelt right there. [ applause ] >> stephen: what is the most gumption-y thing about tr? >> gosh, every cell of his
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story i recount in the book, this is a great example of gumption. he was in the wilderness of north dakota, miles from, you know, the nearest postage stamp, and it was winter, and some fiscally wags stole his rowboat. >> >> stephen: now i am not sure we can say fiscally wagon cbs. >> rapscallion, a couple of scurrilous characters, sold his rowboat, and he was camped on a river, an he and his two friends came out and said, well, they have taken our rowboat, what are we going to do. >> he said we are going to go after them. and he said, they took our boat. >> and he said, i will make another one. so he spent three days building a boat from scratch, chased these guys down and caught them, captured them in their camp, and, you know, these are scum bags,. >> desperadoes.
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apprehended them and the most amazing thing about it, and then he chose to instead of hang them, which he had every right to do by the law of the wilderness -- >> stephen: remind me not to go camping with you. [ applause ] >> these are cool, he is a cool customer. he chose to march them eight days into town to be properly apprehended, but my favorite detail is, the whole time he had a copy of anna karina in his pocket and once he that desperadoes properly hog tiled, he sat by the fire and read his anna karina. >> stephen: that is gumption. [ cheers and applause ] >> the paper edition of gumption is out now. we will be right back with more
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we are back with our friend nick offerman. now, mr. offerman, you are -- if i am not mistaken you are from a small town in illinois; is that
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>> that's right, minooka, illinois, my grandfather was the mayor and my whole family still lives there. >> stephen: well, everybody loves we love small towns here on the late sh. i even do a segment called community calendar where i list upcoming local events in a small town. i did one with eminem for monroe, michigan. and i did another one with jeff daniels for his town of chelsea, michigan. good towns, very good people. >> stephen: yes. >> i imagine that the people of minooka would love to see one of those as well. >> stephen: well, they are in luck. because it's time for minooka, illinois' community calendar. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to community calendar. here are actual events happening
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minooka, which is a word that means good land in potawatomi. >> if it wasn't such good land, the potawatomi would probably still have it. >> stephen: next monday the grundy county chamber of commerce is offering a workshop on networking business cards. which will teach attendees how >> stephen: there are bound to be plenty of people there to network with, so don't forget to, so don't forget to bring little scraps of paper to write your phone number on. >> on the 28th there will be a seminar on medical marijuana for police officers held at the minooka fire station. the police station was unavailable because they are hosting a seminar on ladder safety for firemen. >> stephen: love seafood from the midwest?
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new menu items at the shrimp barn restaurant. like cinnamon apple fritters on their signature dish, barn raised shrimp. >> on april 6th, canine k-9 paw print is offering discounted knew terg services for dogs owned by veterans. it is their way of saying thank you for your service. >> although the dogs would have opted for a parade. >> on april 17th morris's junk in the trumping outdoor flea market is being held behind the wall greents on route 47 as it says on to the website from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. be sure to get there early before all of the good stuff has been sucked into a time vortex. >> and remember, no clothing, mass produced imported items or private or commercial vendors are allowed.
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buy nothing from nobody. [ cheers and applause ] >> next saturday you won't want to miss the laser tag tournament at the shanahan library, run around and blast your friends with lasers, obstacles include shelves, stacked books and people trying to read. >> stephen: speaking of libraries on tuesday, head on down to the minooka branch library for a special laser comedy show. it is like a regular comedy show but with a greater chance you will be blinded. >> finally wednesday is the minooka state of the village luncheon where mayor pat brennan will answer questions about our community. for example, what is happening with the repairs from last june's hailstorm? and what is the deal with all of the lasers at the library? >> stephen: well, that does it from minooka illinois community calendar.
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>> remember our motto, established 1869, words we still live by. >> >> stephen: we will be right back with music from explosions in the sky. >> [ cheers and applause ] if you have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis like me, and you're talking to your rheumatologist about a biologic... this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain
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thank you for dining with us. hope to see you again soon. whoa, whoa, i got this. just gotta get the check. almost there. i can't reach it. if you have alligator arms, you avoid picking up the check. what? it's what you do. i got this. thanks, dennis! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. growwwlph. it's what you do. oh that is good crispy duck.
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the nissan roguewith intuitive all-wheel drive. take on the unexpected. they'll always be our babies. so there will be things to keep us up at night. will they find happiness? reach their potential. stay safe. fall in love. but tonight johnson's can help with a bedtime routine
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and stay asleep longer. there will be things to keep us up. but tonight, we sleep. what's it gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. unlimited data from at&t means you can stream it all. like that anthony michael hall movie where he fights with the girl. the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv. plus, get up to $650 in credits to help you switch.
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by a little bit of dawn ultra? oh yeah. one bottle has the grease cleaning power of two bottles of this bargain brand.
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>> stephen: here to perform the song, "disintegration anxiety," please welcome explosions in the sky! ( cheers and applause )
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( music gets louder )
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( quiet music )
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( music crescendos ) ( music crescendos ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their album, "the wilderness" is available now! explosions in the sky, everybody! we'll be right back. i drive a golf ball. i drive to the hoop. i drive a racecar. i have a driver. his name is carl. but that's not what we all have in common.
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with xarelto . xarelto is proven to treat and help reduce the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. xarelto is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine. i couldn't have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. i found another way. yeah, treatment with xarelto . hey, safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto can cause serious and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto , watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding.
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or dental procedures. before starting xarelto , tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems. xarelto is the number one prescribed blood thinner in its class. well that calls for a round of kevin nealons. make mine an arnold palmer. same here. with xarelto there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary restrictions. treatment with xarelto was the right move for us.
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show. i want to thank mr. cartoon trump for being here. mr. cartoon trump, good luck in wisconsin tomorrow. >> thanks, stephen, i already won. whoo! >> stephen: well, we will see. join us tomorrow, because we will be joined by melissa mccarthy and ben falcone, arianna huffington and a musical

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