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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 2, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, kerry washington, from "scream queens," lea michele, celebrities read mean tweets live, and music from travis scott, with cleto and the cletones.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. this is an historic day for the united states of america. pope francis visited our country for the first time ever today. the pope is here until saturday. he's visiting washington, d.c., new york, and pennsylvania. not even going to bother coming to l.a. he said it's a lost cause, no point. while pope francis is here he will address a joint session of congress, and then i think he's doing snoop dogg's youtube show. this is the plane the pope flew
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he came straight here from havana and had a little bit of trouble at customs. they stopped him and went through his stuff. >> what is this, sir? >> jimmy: you can't bring more than $100 worth of cigars into the country. i don't care if you are the pope. i love this pope but i wonder about this tweet he posted last week where he wrote, i ask you to join me in praying for my trip to cuba and united states. i need your prayers. thanks, we're excited to see you, too. should we be offended by that? maybe i'm being paranoid. the pope got quite a reception. the president and vice president greeted him. after they said hello he got into his own car. what you're about to see is not a joke. >> one other detail. notice the car the pope is
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no fancy limousine. no big gmc suburban. but that, jake tapper, is a >> jimmy: he's in the backseat of the fiat, like excuse me, your holiness, your uber x is here. the pope is a very humble man. he doesn't believe in extravagance. he's not a fan of commercialism with that said this is how we welcome him here in the united states with pope francis bobble heads with pope francis dolls, t-shirt that says pope is dope. this is on the bread. put some pop tarts in there. you've got pope tarts. it's really nice. the point is we sometimes miss the point. and meanwhile scalpers have been offering tickets for the pope's appearance in new york city for as much as $5,000 apiece, which here's the thing. if you are the kind of person who will drop $5,000 on a ticket to see the pope, i don't think
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anyway, if you're in your room flipping channels right now welcome to america, pope francis. hopefully you won't stumble on to any "real housewives" shows. meanwhile, we are very proud to have a pope of our own on this show tonight. olivia pope, kerry washington is here along with lea michele and music from travis scott, too. this will be a fine welcome for the pope when he gets to new york. did you see the video of the pizza rat? show that video. you can see it's a rat. found the slice of pizza. i don't know if it was a no cheese or he ate the cheese or what. just like that the must have halloween costume of 2015 was born. the rat went viral in a big way yesterday. maybe even bubonic. that pizza rat has become such a big celebrity he already turned down our offer to be on "dancing
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with the stars." no. they say that a rat eating a slice of pizza in the subway is possibly the most new york thing ever captured on video. and it's funny, but it got me wondering, what is the most l.a. thing ever captured on video. and i think it is this. you see, that is a chihuahua dragging a leaf of kale on to a yoga mat. and the dog's name is lululemon. downward dog. snoop dogg has a new business venture. snoop yesterday launched a marijuana lifestyle website called mary jane. snoop said mary jane is a cross roads of pot, culture, business, politics, and health. you know i tell you something, it's getting harder and harder to tell snoop dogg and gwyneth paltrow apart. he should consider changing his name to goop dog. he said he's doing this to normalize marijuana use.
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thousands of stoners still in the closet. probably because they got high and forgot how to open the door. you know he's serious about this because when he made the announcement he was wearing a sweater vest. that's how you know. i want to introduce you now to a group of people, very strange group of people. let's fire up the wall of america and meet them. tonight on our big cisco screens, we have -- now, people from all over the country. today is september 22nd, at midnight, at september 23rd, three full months away from christmas. all of the people you see on this screen have already finished their christmas shopping. now, i read somewhere almost 5 million people who celebrate christmas have already finished their shopping. i wanted to meet some of these lunatics, so we took to facebook and we found them. hello, everyone. first of all, say hello to all of you.
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>> hi. >> hi. >> oh, my gosh. look at this. >> hi. >> jimmy: let's find out what the hell is going on. start with shannon here in fall brook, california. shannon, are you really finished with your christmas shopping? >> hi, jimmy, i'm completed. i'm excited. >> jimmy: how many people do you buy for? >> i have about 35 people this year. >> jimmy: and you're totally done with all of those people? >> well, i forgot about my surrogacy family so i have to buy -- a baby i just had -- a christmas gift. besides that -- >> jimmy: you are way, way, way behind then, huh? >> i really am. you know what, i try to make sure that i'm done by september. >> jimmy: by september? you like to be completely finished. wow. are you now planning for christmas 2016? are you shopping for that? >> i do. if i see something on sale on clearance and i know someone is going to like it i will buy it and i will stick it in my 2016 christmas room. >> jimmy: merry christmas, shannon.
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thank you very much. >> merry christmas, jimmy. >> jimmy: let's check in with sheila and jerry from knoxville, tennessee. hello there, sheila and jerry. let me ask, your house is decorated. do you do that just for us or is it like this all the time? >> jimmy, we do this all the time. we decorate the outside. we have signs in our house. it's just a special time of the year. we are done with all of our shopping. >> and wrapped. >> jimmy: and wrapped? >> and wrapped. >> and wrapped. >> jimmy: wow. how many did you buy? >> we've got over 60. some of them are behind us here. we've probably got about 30 or 40 gift cards already purchased. plus we individually wrapped cylinders and put candy in it to hand out to individual people, too. very, very sick people, right? >> yeah.
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we love christmas. >> best time of the year, jimmy. >> jimmy: what do you do on black friday, just sit home and laugh? >> pretty much. we started december 26th. i don't like to go out and fight the crowds. >> jimmy: well, i am i pressed. i'm jealous. i think i might hate the both of you. merry christmas to you. thank you for chatting. >> do you want us to come and do your shopping? >> jimmy: if you bring us gifts. yes. >> we can. >> jimmy: i would hire you guys to do my shopping. do you buy good stuff? >> we buy a lot on brought right to our house. >> jimmy: there's no reason at all to be shopping this far in advance, correct? >> we're done. we can enjoy the season now. >> jimmy: and how's the sex? >> the sex? >> pretty good, jimmy. >> it is wonderful. >> jimmy: all right. sorry. one too many questions. let's go to one more christmas lunatic. let's go to paula. paula from rockwall, texas. hello, paula. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: how are you?
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>> jimmy: where are you right now? >> i am in my secret room. >> jimmy: and what happens in the secret room? >> well, my grandchildren call it's so full of secrets. >> jimmy: ah. it looks like that room is about to collapse on you. >> it's not only in here, it's in the garage, too. >> jimmy: oh, really. do the kids try to sneak in there to see what they might be getting? >> they always want to know if there's a secret in here for them. >> jimmy: have you considered saving yourself a little room and just moving into a toys "r" us? >> well, i probably could start my own store. >> jimmy: does the rest of the house look like this? >> in this room, i probably have 500, 600 presents. >> jimmy: wow. can i put you in touch with the people at "hoarders"? >> you certainly can. i am a shopping christmas hoarder. >> jimmy: you are.
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so you're totally done for this year's christmas? >> absolutely. and next christmas and the christmas after. >> jimmy: all right. wow, thank you, paula. i wouldn't have believed. thank you. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: if you have any elves in there, give them my love. go to our website all the information is there. we have to take a break. when we come back, we have three big celebrities whose names i will not reveal but one rhymes with miam leesen. and an all new installment of "mean tweets."
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and music from travis scott. but before we get to that a new book from donald trump is also on the way. donald trump is writing his -- it will be his 16th book. he said this is a real quote, he said, i'm excited to announce that work on my new best-seller is almost done. are you allowed to call a book a best-seller before it's -- before you even finish it? the book is due out next month. doesn't have a title yet. they say it will cover trump's thoughts on the economy, taxes, health care, and national security. at long last we'll finally get to hear what donald trump thinks. it's amazing. where does this man find time to write about himself when he's busy talking about himself. here's something donald trump can relate to, both giving and receiving. this week on our show is "mean tweet" week. we're doing it a little -- mean tweets a little bit differently this time around.
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terrible things to each other. especially to famous people. so tonight we invited three famous people to read some of the real terrible things people have written about them live. i'm going to go into the audience for this one. maybe we have somebody in our audience. how are you doing? >> hi, how are you? >> jimmy: what's your name? >> kristina. i'm from new orleans, louisiana. >> jimmy: you here from vacation? >> yes. >> jimmy: is this your friend here with the "scandal" shirt? >> yes. we are scandal, die hard scandal fans. kerry washington, we love her. >> jimmy: you love kerry washington. mean about a celebrity on twitter? >> yes, i have. >> jimmy: what have you written? >> it was about scott foley. i told him he's ruining the show. when he kisses olivia it looks >> jimmy: really? and what do you expect scott to do about this exactly? and what do you have against fish kissing? they don't have chemistry together. she's much better with tony. >> jimmy: wow, all right. well, i'm sure scott the delighted to hear from you.
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so that's a little bit taste of what sorts of things we're going for here and with that said, let's welcome our first mystery star on "mean tweets live" here we go. [ applause ] rock. blah, blah, blah, blah. duane johnson, blah, blah, candy ass movie star. blah, blah, blah. go suck it. i'll give you something to suck. >> jimmy: he's upset. all right. thank you. next up, bette midler! >> some people ask me who has the biggest penis in hollywood.
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bette midler. >> jimmy: thank you. thanks, apologies. finally, come on out, liam neeson! >> liam neeson is a butter face. in that his face looks like a butt. eat [ bleep ] fart breath neeson. >> jimmy: thank you, liam. hey, we have a good show for tonight. music from travis scott, from the new show "scream queens," lea michele is here, and we'll be right back with kerry washington, so stick around.
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that's a big bull. 1800 pounds of do whatever the heck i want.
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thank you cyrus. lease an mkc for $299 a month only at your lincoln dealer. >> jimmy: welcome back.
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queens" which premiered earlier tonight, lea michele is here. then a talented young rapper. this is his debut album "rodeo," travis scott from the samsung outdoor stage. this is a rare opportunity because you don't run into too many rappers named travis. tomorrow night don johnson, james taylor, and more live mean tweets. on thursday, shonda rhimes, dave salmoni is bringing wild animals, and we'll have music from jill scott. please join us then. and also i'd like to say a quick hello and welcome to those viewers joining us in australia right now. our show can now be seen on the comedy channel in australia. i tell you something, we get a lot of australians in our studio audience. do we we have any australians in the studio audience right now? we have a couple of them. even though they are typically the drunkest people in our audience, we've never had to
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matresses in straya. our first guest is a remarkably talented woman and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. she plays the original pope in washington d.c., and her show "scandal" returns to abc thursday night at 9:00. please welcome kerry washington. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: it's good to see you. >> it's great to see you. >> jimmy: i saw you at the emmys on sunday. >> you were so funny. >> jimmy: that's nice. can i tell you something? it may sound like i was complimenting myself. i was on stage. you know, i was a little nervous about how it might go. i looked out in the audience and you were cracking up so it made me feel a million times better. so thank you. >> you were really funny.
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>> jimmy: i saw you present. you presented with rob lowe. >> i did. >> jimmy: these might be the two most attractive people in the the earth with him. my husband would feel about that. >> jimmy: never mind them. the human race is what matters most. >> if we care about humanity. that's a huge complement because he's very attractive like in a way that doesn't seem real. >> jimmy: how did you handle the heat? it was very hot. >> it was hot. but i had on this slightly scandalous dress, a little snug. it was made of mesh. i mean, it was very elegant. it was marc jacobs, right off the runway. it was very special. but it was made of mesh. so it was as if i was wearing a couture screen door.
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>> jimmy: that's good thinking. >> yeah. it wasn't planned that way. >> jimmy: maybe marc jacobs could open a home depot collection. >> very good idea. >> jimmy: mosquito netting is what i wish i was wearing. did you bring your family and friends to the emmys? >> i didn't. although my manager happens to be an african-american mother so everyone thinks my mother is with me when she's with me. >> jimmy: that must delight her. >> i did a couple of years ago bring my parents to the emmys and they embarrassed me. >> jimmy: they did? >> yes. >> jimmy: how? >> we were at the hbo party. i'm a huge "game of thrones" fan. i got that from my parents. they got me started watch that show, which is a little awkward. >> jimmy: i have the same thing with my parents. my dad has read the whole book series twice. >> my dad, too. once. dad, catch up. >> jimmy: did your dad do the thing to tell you what was different and what was missing and ruin the show for you? >> yes. i'm so happy now that the show has caught up to the books because now we're all in the same boat. >> jimmy: that's right.
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meanwhile, what was george r. martin doing there? he should be home writing because there's more show. >> ridiculous. selfish. >> jimmy: who did they meet? >> they met drago. my parents have been married over 40 years, i think. i should know. but my mother turned into a 16-year-old girl. it was like, my sun, moon, stars. she just lost her stuff. she's standing next to my father swooning over this man. >> jimmy: he's a very good looking man. >> he's okay. he's okay. >> jimmy: and he's big, too. what did your dad think when that was happening? >> i think my dad's crush is about the same, so he didn't do much. >> jimmy: that would be a hell of a threesome, wouldn't it? >> jimmy, i can't unring that bell. >> jimmy: just think about it for one minute. visualize it. >> no!
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>> jimmy: yes. >> my mother is going to kill me when she watches this. >> jimmy: your parents are pretty hip. do they watch? >> very. i don't know if they're threesome hip but, yeah. and, mom, dad, i don't want to know. thanks. >> jimmy: speaking of, while we're on that subject -- >> ah! the threesome. my parents are very cool. they watch the best shows. so i'm happy -- >> jimmy: what else do they watch? >> they watch "game of thrones." my mother has traditionally been the queen of the one-hour drama. she would hang up on me if i called during "lost," "24." they wouldn't watch a show just because i'm on it. >> jimmy: i'm right onboard with your parents' television viewing. would they watch "scandal" if they didn't like it? >> no. they would not. they're very honest with me.
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in a a cappella singing group of nine girls, called triple trio. after concerts my dad would give notes. you were a little flat in the second verse, second song. horrible. horrible. >> jimmy: is that good? ultimately is that a good or a bad thing for you? >> it could make you nuts. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah. i think i adjusted well. >> jimmy: will you, as a parent, take that same tact where you're honest rather than supportive? >> i don't know. i've taught all the kids in my family as a result of this upbringing the word unsolicited. if they say something i'll be like, that was unsolicited. like, oh, aunt kerry you look better with makeup on. that was unsolicited. >> jimmy: that's good. you should do that on sesame street.
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t1 underline test text1 italics test text1 plain >> see you on the flip side. we could just walk in together. >> yes. let's start an international incident. >> let's.
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>> last chance. >> oh, mr. president, i see you, sir, and i ask you this. what other tricks do you have up your sleeve? what other secrets are you hiding? >> jimmy: that is kerry washington. "scandal" returns thursday night at 9:00 here on abc. that's revealing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: where does this season pick up? were you on an island? >> no, no. that's only with jake. >> jimmy: only with jake, okay. >> it's not too long after the season finale. it's fun because one of the last things we said in the season finale was, he asked olivia, you know, what do we do now? i said, whatever we want. turns out that involves a lot of rolling around in the sheets. >> jimmy: right, yes, yes. there is a lot of that sort of thing. >> you naughty people. >> jimmy: well, you're the one
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>> this whole interview is so uncomfortable. >> jimmy: it's my specialty. >> it's my job. it's my job. i only did it because shonda wrote it. >> jimmy: you have to do it. >> that's the rule. >> jimmy: does she ever write stuff and go, this seems -- >> you know, these writers are the most phenomenal writers. they are fearless and brilliant and creative, and we submit to them willingly. >> jimmy: i wouldn't want those writers. i would want some writers that have fear of me. >> no, that's not the way you allow a writer to be creative. >> jimmy: so shonda has three shows, as you know. she will be here thursday night. >> which is amazing. >> jimmy: she doesn't let you guys answer any questions about what's actually going to happen or what goes on.
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going on. >> are you going to torture her? >> jimmy: absolutely, yes. what i was wondering is, oh, she's spending too much time on how to get away with murder or "gray's anatomy"? >> no, she is like one of these between all of us. it's a little bit mind boggling because i have -- i'm on one show and i have one kid. she's got three shows and three kids, and she just does it so elegantly. >> jimmy: she really does. everybody does seem to actually love her, not just like her. >> here's a sign that she's great at it. not only do we love her but we love each other. all the casts, we love each other. we get together. we party. right now one of the greatest actors on "gray's anatomy" is directing a "scandal." we're very close, all of us. >> jimmy: this is a photograph that you took for "entertainment
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>> this is what i mean. >> jimmy: i did one of these for "vanity fair" for the the other late night hosts and they just sort of pieced us together. >> we were all in the room together. every single one of us. what is that? >> jimmy: zoom in here. when did lil wayne join the cast? which show is he on now? >> he is a very special guest star on "scandal." >> jimmy: really? is he playing a lawyer? >> i can't say what he's playing. but since the theme of the night is threesomes -- >> jimmy: wow, that is tantalizing. kerry washington and lil wayne on "scandal" thursday night at 9:00 here on abc. thank you, kerry.
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it airs tuesday nights on fox. please welcome lea michele. all right. this is going to require some concentration on my part. >> hey. everything is okay. >> jimmy: everything is fine from here. >> well, since that neck brace on the show i got to bump up my game a little bit. >> jimmy: this is something you wear every episode? >> every episode. no, that's my real naturally colored hair, no makeup, and the neck brace. >> jimmy: and the neck brace. >> yeah. >> jimmy: why the neck brace? >> she has severe scoliosis. >> jimmy: when he explained to you you were going to have to wear a neck brace for the whole
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>> jimmy: you said yes. all right. >> i said, i accept. i mean, i love brian. i trust him. you know, he's such a great friend. he's so smart. he's so incredible. when he called me he said i have this new show -- actually he didn't even tell me the name, jamie lee curtis and emma roberts and neck brace, i'm in. >> jimmy: they presented on sunday night at the emmys. >> i wasn't there. i was at home. i was actually drinking a nice glass of wine, very olivia pope. just sitting at home. >> jimmy: are you a "scandal" fan? >> 100%. i was just saying backstage i wanted to get one of those ginormous wine glasses that says it's handled on them. do you have anybody at abc? >> jimmy: i have a feeling that shonda has a whole closet of them. >> i was not. i was at home. i was texting emma. she was actually giving me the play by play. she was presenting. i text her, oh, my god, hands down, best dress.
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seconds later she text me back. i said, i thought you were on stage. she must have walked right off and texted me right back. i didn't have to be there. i was getting the play by play. >> jimmy: i turn my phone not just on vibrate but on to totally off because i know my idiot friends, as soon as i walk out on that stage, oh, i hope he left his ringer on. >> would you ever like forget and just be like, excuse me, everyone. it's my friend. >> jimmy: i have forgotten and had the phone ringing. actually i was once visiting the "daily show" and i forgot my ringer was on. the worst thing you can do during a television show really besides shooting the host is to let your phone go off. and jon stewart and loudly the phone started ringing and -- >> and you picked up? >> jimmy: well, i ran is what i did, really, yeah. okay. anyway. so the emmys, you did not go. did you like going to award shows?
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i really love -- going to award shows. >> growing up it was such a -- like i used to get dressed up with my mom. and we used to sit on the couch and like play award show. and i would get all dressed up. my mom would make like a cheese plate and i would stand up and make my speech all prepared for best actress. >> jimmy: now you know that hollywood starlets do not eat cheese. it's not allowed. >> oh, my god. please, after my premier last night i had grilled cheese at in and out with fries. animal style. i should have thought about that before wearing this dress. >> jimmy: well -- >> i'm italian. you know me. >> jimmy: you have to eat. you really do. you wrote a book which i have right here in front of me. >> i did. >> jimmy: well, tell us what kind of book this is. >> it's a journal. i wrote my first book last year "brunette ambition." i wrote this book and wanted to have more of an interactive experience with my fans.
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book you've written. >> you like it? >> jimmy: yeah. i'm going to tell you why. look at this book. >> that's not nice. thank you. >> jimmy: what you've done is -- >> that's the one page you picked? let me find another one. there you go. >> jimmy: but the diabolical part is here's a book, write it yourself. >> i think that for me i used to write these lists and they were goals and dreams of mine. and i made them all really happen. and i believe in the power of writing things down. >> jimmy: do you think that it's important for people to write stuff down like that and make these goals? >> i do. it worked for me. i really believe in it. what's -- what are your one-year goals? >> jimmy: i don't know what my one-year goals are but when i was a kid -- you are going to think this is a joke. it is not a joke. i had one goal and one goal only. >> what is that? >> jimmy: to build a whiffle dome to play whiffle ball in. >> did you write it down? >> jimmy: i drew a plan for it. unfortunately that dream was -- >> stopped right there?
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married the first time. i was told over her dead body a whiffle dome would be built. >> i'm sad for you right now about this story. you can write it down in that book now and buy it. >> jimmy: is there a whiffle dome section in this book? >> it can be whatever you want it to be. >> jimmy: by the way, that billboard for "scream queens" is terrifying. >> pretty scary. >> jimmy: you guys are covered with blood. >> they had us dip our hands in the blood. what would your character do? i hadn't even started filming yet. i don't know. i think she would like wave. so the photo is just me like waving. but you know what's so crazy is so the fake blood that they use, the only way to get rid of it is with gillette shaving cream. so we have all of this blood over our body and super gross afterward covering our body with gillette. >> jimmy: specifically gillette? >> it has to be gillette to get the dye off. >> jimmy: what a terrible commercial that would make for gillette. >> sorry. multi-purpose.
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good and also -- if you need fake blood off your body that's the thing but we wanted to give you a visual of my whole day. >> jimmy: one of my producers told me he pulled up next to the billboard and his son screamed. >> we're doing our job. >> jimmy: is the show scary? >> you know, i think that it definitely has some scary elements but it's so funny. it's so funny. and you can't help but laugh. i mean, depends, are you like a scary movie person? >> jimmy: no. i get scared of -- >> you don't like blood? >> jimmy: yes. >> no, for you. but i mean, you will laugh. >> jimmy: for most adult people lit be fine. >> it's so funny. it really is. >> jimmy: i bet it's going to be a big hit. it's called "scream queens." it's on fox tuesday nights at 9:00. and we shall return with music from travis scott. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel
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cc1 test message test text1 underline test text1 italics >> my name is bobby. my name isn't bobby, just kidding. jimmy kimmel
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you never know what you're going to get and i bet it's a ride this is how we do it >> have you been working out? >> jimmy kimmel. >> that's why they call me mr. fun. >> "jimmy kimmel live" week nights on abc. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i want to thank kerry washington, lea michele, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, this is his new cd. it's called "rodeo" here with his song "antidote," travis scott. yeah don't you open up that window don't you let out that antidote
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don't go through the front door it's low key at the night show so don't you open up that window don't you let out that antidote party on a sunday that was fun do it all again on monday one more time straight up straight up
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no, no so don't you open up that antidote poppin' pills is all we know in the hills is all we know don't go through the front door it's low key at the night show everybody hands up >> hands up right now. >> travis scott, "rodeo." y'all ready? keep them up. hands up. hand up. oh yeah night show at the night show
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ooh at the night show anything can happen at the everything can happen at the night show ooh at the night show anything can happen at the ooh at the night that's it she at the night show ooh ooh catch it at the night show we ain't i ain't got no time only got one night we can do it ooh it's late at the night show yeah at the night show yeah at the night show ooh at the night show open it up open it up open it up at the night show anything can happen at the
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got to go cameraman step on my hand maybe super late show you got one it's late night got a late show poppin' pills is all we know yeah in the hills is all we know don't go through the front door it's low key at the night show so you don't you open up that yeah don't you let yeah poppin' pills is all we know
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in the hills is all with we know don't go through the front door it's low key at the night show so don't you open open open open open >> i love you! okay. okay. okay. >> make some noise "jimmy kimmel
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