tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC August 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
thanks to all of you here for coming. thanks for braving the heat dome to be here. have you heard about that? it's a new weather phenomenon, a heat dome. causing unusually high temperatures in 21 dates. it's expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. so don't go to those states, okay? and the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunder dome, and we'll have to turn to mad max to help us. [ laughter ] >> preside twitter to warn us about the heat. drink water, stay out of the sun, and check on your neighbors. can you imagine checking on your neighbors in l.a.? i live across the street, just checking on ya. everything okay? donald trump weighed in on the heat too, he tweeted, the sun is the worst. hot, lazy, stupid, do-nothing sun is a big fat loser.
republican nomination after almost a full week of people kissing his ass, it was finally time to kiss it himself and kiss he did. trump arrived atop a gold-plated elephant firing bedazzled "make america great" t-shirts into the crowd. not really. but it's kind of believable, though, right? [ laughter ] when he finished his speech, they dropped 125,000 balloons, poor chris christie spent all day blowing them up. [ laughter ] it was worth it. little bit like the special -- remember the old tv special "it's the great pumpkin charlie brown"? there's a group of loyal fans huddled together, waiting for the big orange gourd to appear. and it did. what a week, it began with a speech from scott baio, and went downhill from there. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's a big -- i mean -- the big drama last night came courtesy of senator ted cruz, who chose not to endorse donald trump,
speech on stage at the convention. this is how the trump family reacted to that. they should make that their christmas card. [ laughter ] there were a lot of boos for ted cruz. and rightly so, i mean, how dare he not support the guy who berated him for months and insulted his wife and suggested his father may have murdered jfk? that's just rude. ted cruz, one of the reasons he didn't voice his support for trump is because he reportedly plans to run for president again in 2020. why not, it went so well this time. another of trump's former foes, dr. ben carson, apparently does not have similar aspirations. >> by the way they are saying ted cruz has already made up his mind to run in 2020 even if donald trump wins. have you made any decisions along those lines? >> yes. >> what? >> i have no intention of running for public office again. >> never again? >> no. >> why? >> i wouldn't have done it this time had it not been for the
>> they were demanding you do it? >> right. >> jimmy: they were? who were these people? i didn't meet any of them. [ laughter ] by the way, i do want to say it was a good day for ben carson. he just signed a deal to be the new face of tylenol p.m. [ laughter ] meanwhile, there's another -- a side feud emerging from the rnc. this one between bill o'reilly and montel williams. montel was at the last minute, he backed out. >> we were supposed to have montel williams, but he walked out in a huff, right? and the producer tells me he was mad about some gay thing. do you know what the gay thing -- >> i don't think it was anything we said, i didn't hear anything that we said that had any reference to that at all. >> does anybody know what gay thing upset montel williams? >> jimmy: no, but i want to know what gay thing upset him.
by the way, gay thing would be a great new marvel superhero. wouldn't it? make the four really fantastic. this is some interesting data out of the convention this week. a major online purveyor of adult films reports that porn viewing in cleveland is up 184% this week. you think that's what donald trump means when he says we're going to start winning again? [ laughter ] they say porn use skyrocketed ahead of the usual leading but you know what? when you got sex magnets like mike pence and ted cruz on display you can't be surprised when people get a little sexed up. related story. mcdonalds and starbucks says they plan to block customers using their wi-fi from visiting pornographic websites. where am i supposed to watch it now? at home with the losers? maybe mcdonald's plans to bring it back like the mcrib or the
[ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you. while some restaurants are taking porn off their menu, at least one popular chain is attempting to pick up the slack. >> breakfast just got better at ihop. this summer all you can eat pancakes are back with an extra helping of all you can stream porn. that's right. a tall stack of signature buttermilking pancaked with a side of all-pork sausage and porn for $2.in my opinion. all day, every day. you say it's your birthday? stop in and enjoy a rooty tooty spank your booty stack. on the house. it's the summer of fun, ihop. come hungry, leave horny. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there are so many colorful characters at the convention this week but this is my favorite one of all of them. >> ivanka trump, donald trump's eldest daughter, she will be the one who does the introductory
>> jimmy: that excitable gentleman is donald trump superfan jake byrd. jake has been on our show many times before. he made his way onto the convention floor. he's been all over the news this week. he got a shout-out on twitter from the "new york times." a man celebrated at the convention that he's the man. "the wall street journal" tweeted a photo of him too. he was really all over the place. they didn't know that jake was with us. we sent a camera with him and he made quite a splas see it all, jake's adventure at the rnc next. but first, it's thursday night, time to bleep and blur the big tv moments whether they needed it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> this is who we are. governors and doctors, ceos, and hog [ bleep ]ers. >> ladies and gentlemen, donald trump is a [ bleep ]er and i know he will [ bleep ] this
this beautiful [ bleep ] that we love so much. >> my 2-year-old grandson has a longer [ bleep ] than donald trump. >> he goes above and beyond. >> [ bleep ]. >> he does. >> i am not in the habit of supporting people that [ bleep ] my wife. [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> america is no longer leading, but rather [ bleep ] from behind. >> there's a nice-sized [ bleep ]. >> open your mouth wide, and i will [ bleep ] it. >> my fellow republicans, when donald trump becomes president of the united states of america, the [ bleep ] will be huge. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. when we come back, jake byrd at the republican national convention. so stick around.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. viggo mortensen, george lopez, music from colin hay on the way. as you know, the republican national convention wrapped up tonight. the city of cleveland was besiegedy the most passionate supporter of is our friend jake byrd. jake goes to all the big trump events. he was smack dab in the middle of the action this week to make friends and file this very special report. >> hey, it's jake byrd, here in cleveland, home of the rock 'n' roll hall of fame, the world championship cavaliers. let's go to convention! ?
? >> it's all happening! it's really happening! it's really happening! i'm from chino, california, right on the mexican border. texas, that's on the mexican border, too. we're both getting a wall! >> against illegal immigration, but also against the drug cartels border. >> i don't think people understand that. trump supporters are not racist, we're not against all mexicans. here's what happened, juan the pool guy said he needed a place, three days until he fixed his van. it's february. i need mom to kick him out of the house. i'm sleeping on the sun porch, my tush is covered in mosquito bites. we need juan out.
i'd be happy to talk to you later if you'd like. >> yeah, we can get together later. >> who are you most excited to see at the convention? >> i already saw him, ted cruz's father. rafael cruz. that was it. >> he's the one that killed john f. kennedy, right? there's a great joke. hey, hillary, it's cleveland, not beveland. >> mr. trump understands that we have power through might.he he's going to be awesome. >> exactly. he's also going to be the kind of leader if something bad is happening, he's standing at a urinal, he can just tuck it back in and go. and hillary clinton, she's going to be like, i'm wiping! i'm wiping! come on, we got to go! i'm wiping over here. i'm wiping. that's why we need donald trump.
good-bye. >> yeah, you go. bye-bye. >> -- and the health of our country. >> charles in charge. charles in charge of our nights and our women's reproductive rights. >> you did it, scott. that was beautiful. that was beautiful. beautiful, man, beautiful. nothing says the future like an actor from the '70s that played a guy from the '50s. scott baio. [ laughter ] >> give the guy some air! i i would have picked you. he's hilarious. i love this guy. chicken parm. chicken parm. >> whoo! note you're my brown-skinned aurelian ? i've got to stay up for this.
present the next first lady. >> yes! ? >> yes! oh, my god, she received him. she received him. >> donald trump is ecstatic about cleveland. >> he loves cleveland. he loves cleveland, talks about it in his book, think big and kick ass. listen to this. 1982. i was having some trouble with the crime family i decided to hide out in cleveland. i said to my limo driver, what's good to do in town? he said, donnie, you've got to try a cleveland steamer. he took me to an underground club called the chocolate whistle stop. the smell was ungodly. wow, what a bunch of freaks. back to new york for me. think big and kick ass. head down to the chocolate
>> oh, there you are. oh, i'm sorry, i thought you were my mom. i'm so sorry. >> they found the delegates! they got the delegates! it's all happening, like in my dream! >> the delegates -- >> it is my honor to be able to throw donald trump over the top in the delegate count tonight. >> 89 delegates. >> oh, yeah! it's happening! it's happening! that's our guy! that's our donny! that's our donny! i did this. i did this. in my dreams.
pinch me, pinch me, it's a dream, pinch me! don't touch my body! >> well, jake, you did it, buddy. what do you think don would say now? i'll tell you what donald your support has been yuge! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: thanks, jake. take care. we have a great show tonight. colin hay is here, george lopez is here. and we'll be right back with viggo mortensen, so stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ? hey there. hi, i'm looking for a deal on an iphone... ...i was thinking, something along these lines.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, he's a very funny guy with a new all-star tour called "comedy get down." george lopez is here. then, maybe the most underrated artists of the '80s. you know him from the band men at work. his latest album is called "next year people." the great colin hay from the studio stage. next week on the show, danny mcbride, david spade, andy garcia, greg kinnear, bryce dallas howard, ozzy and jack osbourne will be here, dana white from the ufc, and we will have music from prophets of rage, the go-go's and the strokes. please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is a terrific actor whom you know from the "lord of the rings" trilogy and many films in which he doesn't wear chainmail. his new movie is called "captain fantastic," it's in theatres now.
? >> jimmy: how's it going? >> i come bearing gifts. >> jimmy: that's nice. i wish more guests brought me gifts. >> you're a mets fan. >> jimmy: i am, are you? >> i am. >> jimmy: nice. >> this is tom seaver, 1972. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that's pretty great. i had this card when i was a kid. i think my mom threw all of them away. we used to flip these. have you ever flipped cards? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you did that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's like a nice entry into gambling. [ laughter ] >> darryl strawberry, signed. >> jimmy: i guess i should show these to the audience instead of just looking at them myself. see, that is indeed tom seaver. darryl? oh, wow. >> most beautiful swing in baseball.
>> jimmy: i never imagined you as a baseball collectiave ngincl cards. >> jimmy: you don't have to apologize. [ laughter ] >> and to bring it up to date, david wright. >> jimmy: david wright, how, that's beautiful. look at that. thank you very much. >> and this is my mom. you can't have her. >> jimmy: can i show her? look at that. your mom played baseball, huh? >> she did. it's not signed but it's authentic. >> jimmy: a very young mom. my mom crazy. >> and a shortstop. >> jimmy: i'll tell you keep that one. >> i have one more. i know the producers, some of them are here, from the movie. they're probably going to skin me alive. >> jimmy: that's okay, we'll talk about the movie. >> this is a team i liked. it's not the team jersey, but it would be sad if it were, but it's a jersey that i made. >> jimmy: you made this? >> on the occasion of the
you mean you made it? did you draw this stuff? >> sure. >> jimmy: really? >> i gave lots of them to fans. i was going to give it to you in 2008. i was thinking maybe i would have been invited. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm very impressed by that. >> better late than never. i washed this one. >> jimmy: thank you, wow. you're very crafty, that's very impressive. wow. that's something else. well. i didn't know you're a melts fan. all this stuff is very exciting. you -- this is a photograph what are they called? what's the name? >> san lorenzo. >> jimmy: you're a season ticket holder. boy, i would be scared of you as a season ticket holder. >> where did you get the picture? >> jimmy: i don't know, somebody gave to it me. will you sign it and i'll keep it with my baseball cards? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's the look, for those
"captain fantastic," that was during the shoot. i look very serious, but we were playing for the championship of all latin america, which we've never won and always been ridiculed for never winning that, and we won. >> jimmy: you did? >> this was at half-time, and it wasn't looking promising at that point. >> jimmy: i see. so you decided to commemorate that dark moment. [ laughter ] >> but we won. >> jimmy: that's pretty exciting. this movie "captain fantastic," sounds like a superhero movie, but it's not. i'm going to be honest with you. i watched the first part of it, and it looked great -- >> you turned it off. >> jimmy: no, i didn't turn it off, it just stopped on me and i spent the rest of the night cursing at my television. tell everybody what the idea of this movie is. >> i play a father with a big beard. and six children. >> jimmy: yes. >> and we live in the middle of the forest, off the grid. and at the heart of it, it's a road trip movie.
an old school bus we converted into a lab, and study place, classroom. and we drive across the country to crash a funeral. a funeral of the kids' mom. >> jimmy: to which you were not invited? >> we were not invited. we were warned by the grandparents that i will be arrested if i go. the kids will be taken from me if we go. the kids convinced me that we must go, and that's our mission. >> jmy >> we've seen it a thousand times but it's a new twist. >> jimmy: when you have -- when you're in a movie playing a guy in the middle of the woods do you do any -- do you need to prepare to get into that mindset or live in the woods or do any of that kind of stuff actors tend to do? >> we did have to do a lot of -- we had a sort of boot camp where we did rock climbing, martial arts. had to skin a few goats. >> jimmy: a few? >> that kind of stuff.
>> i think they were union. >> jimmy: union goats. >> it was cool. >> jimmy: we're getting skinned again! have you ever skinned a goat before? >> i hadn't. really, to be honest -- it actually was sheep, i'm sorry, apologies to the goats. it was the two middle girls, it was a brood, three girls, three boys. the two middle girls had to become expert in gutting and skinning animals because the it's a family movie. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> it really is, really is. there's a moment. >> jimmy: these little girls and audition for a movie. at what point do they say, and by the way, you know the cute little animals from your storybooks? imagine them with with no wool or flesh. [ laughter ] >> i don't know if it's in the contract. >> jimmy: yeah. >> or if they sprung that on them. here's your knife. yeah. i don't know. that's a good question. >> jimmy: we're going to take a
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>> if i wanted to hit you, i would have hit you. >> you just shot an arrow at me. >> you told me they're in school. >> they are, leslie and i were their teachers. >> you're teaching them to steal. >> of course not. >> mission "free the food"? >> that was part of their training. >> so you're training them to steal. >> jimmy: that's viggo mortensen in "captain fantastic," in theaters now. >> i misspoke earlier. in the movie, there are seven kids. and the only digital thing in the movie, it's not like "the revenant." we were actually inside an elk, the whole family, for real. you know what i mean. >> jimmy: these kids will never act again. >> the special effect in that
beautiful. you know. pink cheeks. redhead. curly hair, looked like shirley temple a little bit. and -- because this thing with the bow and arrow, kind of a weird thing that frank langella brought to the part. he showed up with his equipment. he said, i can't do the scene unless i have my weapons. he wants to use weapon in the scene. and i said, what does that mean? we're just talking, ri he says, i'm going to shoot, i have very good aim, i won't hurt them. but he was always walking around, shooting. sometimes shooting into the sky and then running. he clipped one of the kids. >> jimmy: oh, no, he did not. >> he clipped the little redhead. he clipped shirley temple, she's fine now. [ laughter ] but she wasn't able to continue with the production.
you. >> jimmy: perhaps, perhaps. perhaps it's not even really true. i don't know, i can't really tell. i hope it's not true. >> no. >> jimmy: sounds like the kids went through a lot. it really does. do you know any other viggos? is viggo a name you've met other -- >> it's a danish name, it's my dad's name, sort of through the centuries, every firstborn male has that name, either as a middle name, it's not common. when i was born, it was like calling your kid otto, oswald, hildegard. >> jimmy: right, yes. >> which would be a weird name for a boy. [ laughter ] of any generation. but in that generation, it was weird. now there's a lot of little kids, i get, i think because of "lord of the rings," people, because he's sort of a viking guy. i don't know. >> jimmy: people want to name
pictures. >> jimmy: that's flattering. >> once in a while kids. mostly it's animals, though. a lot of cats, a lot of ferrets. [ laughter ] and mostly dogs. and mostly, like, dogs that are clearly, should i say, what would be correct? unwanted. one-eyed, three-legged. >> jimmy: oh, i see. >> you know what i mean. >> jimmy: imperfect. i don't know what that says. >> jimmy: i don't know if you ever think about this, but you are america's favorite viggo. you really are. [ cheers and applause ] and i don't know if you have business cards, but -- >> there's a danish connection on the new york mets, syndergaard. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. >> pitcher. >> jimmy: you must love him, huh? >> the way you pronounce him in danish, completely different. what it means, and i'm not
it means, "farm of sin." or farm of evil. >> jimmy: so, like -- really? >> take another look at him. >> jimmy: wow. wow, that's going to be intimidating for the opposing batters. >> farm of evil. >> jimmy: i wish we'd known that in the world series last year. >> like "texas chainsaw massacre" but from denmark. >> jimmy: that's pretty good baseball trivia from viggo mortensen. see "captain fantastic" in theaters right now. we'll be right back with george lopez. [ cheers and applause ] ? ? ? only those who dare drive the world forward.
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[ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. have you been watching this convention, the republican national convention? >> oh, yeah, of course. >> jimmy: you like watching that stuff? >> well, trump has said some very disparaging stuff about my people. >> jimmy: he has. >> called us criminals and rapists, so when i see him, i'm going to rob him and [ bleep ] him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i never really said my plan before. >> jimmy: it's a solid plan, a good platform. >> how can we pretend that melania trump speaks english? why are we looking like -- "and my husband --" this country doesn't mind accents, as long as they're not mexican ones.
schwarzenegger. you know the one in the military? mobile strike! download now at the app store! what the hell was that? that was the one they used. >> jimmy: that was the take they chose. >> download it now! what about when he had a baby with his maid, and he said it wasn't his baby. and the baby had the big forehead, and started talking -- mom, i want it now! no, little arnold, no. >> jimmy: funny you mentioned that. i actually, swear to god this morning with a guy. i wonder if after arnold had sex with the maid, he made her make the bed? >> oh my god. >> jimmy: i know. well, she is the maid. she has a job to do. >> you know what? she shows up on friday, i'll let you know tomorrow. >> jimmy: this is very interesting. i know you love golf, you play all over the country, all over the world. >> i do. >> jimmy: donald trump owns a
>> i played with him, like nine years ago. >> jimmy: you played with him? >> we played on father's day. it tells you what kind of fathers we both are. [ laughter ] so, we play at a trump place in bed minister, new jersey. i'm waiting for him, he's not there. i'm looking for cars. aufls all of a sudden they say, he's coming! i'm looking down the road. there's a black dot in the sky. he lands on the driving range in his helicopter. the trump helicopter, the most impressive entrance anybody we play golf, and he says, you want to stick around for lunch? and i said, yeah. i'll stick around for lunch. he's sitting there. there's like a grilled cheese sandwich. he's got a big bratwurst with a pound of yellow mustard. he's putting yellow mustard on. and we walk into the kitchen, you know scooby do, you open the closet, all these little eyes pop up.
when donald trump is sitting down, all these little latino chefs come out, they bring carne asada, carnitas, frijoles, rilgs, tortillas, corn and flour. and donald trump says, is this on the menu? they say, no, senor trump. it's george lopez. [ cheers and applause ] he says, when trump is here, i get a bratwurst. george lopez is here, he gets the whole fiesta buffet? and the chef goes, mr. trump, george lopez! estupido! i think that's the day he decided to do the wall. >> jimmy: that is, yeah. that's where the spark came. last time anthony anderson was here, we were talking about you, because you went on a golf trip. >> to hawaii. >> jimmy: anthony said you guys roomed together.
and anthony says to me, i think i got us a suite. we're staying together. we staying together, baby. >> jimmy: that's a good anthony imitation. >> you and me. we're grown men. he always gets there early to get the bigger room. >> jimmy: i see, of the two rooms. >> he got a room with a millipede in it, like a hawaiian snake about six feet long. and i hear shrieking. aah! grabbed my camera, he's chasing tell us about this while we look at this video. [ screaming ] >> that's the sound he made. >> [ bleep ]! >> jimmy: look at the size of the monster in the bucket. that's like a snake. [ cheers and applause ] >> and when we go to dinner, he acts the same way when they
>> jimmy: is anthony thrifty? is that why he wants to share a room? >> anthony is incredibly thrifty. >> jimmy: he's lost a lot of weight. >> he has, but he's a little bit diabetic. >> jimmy: oh, he is, that's right, he is. >> one time he stays at my house. and i said, i got some desserts. he was like, i'm a diabetic. in the morning, they were all gone. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's a hungry diabetic. you play golf, your group is marin is there. it's like a little -- you have a mini golf tournament between you, right? >> every year, we have a golf tournament called the brownie cup. >> jimmy: the brownie cup. >> you play nine holes completely sober, and on the 9th tee, you cut a brownie. you get two brownies and you cut them in half and everybody eats the brownie. >> jimmy: i see. >> then you count every shot on the way in. >> jimmy: i see.
hines brownie. >> no, this is a medical marijuana brownie. >> jimmy: i see. >> and you're all very sick. and you drink a double vodka cranberry at the turn and one on 14. and you get so high. >> jimmy: i bet. >> we're in the middle of the fairway, the 14th hole, and cheech is like, i think i saw a ball! there's a ball! we're all looking for the ball. i said, i hit the ball, and anthony is like, i think it's and cheech is like, i saw it go down in the middle! 25 minutes later, i put my hand in my pocket, hey, man, i have it here. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: this tour that you're on, why is it called "the get down"? >> it used to be called "the black and brown comedy getdown." and people said, why is it about
brown? then i had to say, because when you hire wone of us we do like four other jobs. mr. trump, george lopez! so, we decided to call it the comedy get down. you know. '80s, '70s. >> jimmy: i gotcha. who's on the tour? >> myself, cedric the entertainer, d.l. hughley, charlie murphy, and eddie griffin. >> jimmy: eddie me if i'm wrong, he's a crazy guy, right? >> he's crazy. drinks champagne and patron. that will make you [ bleep ] crazy. >> jimmy: do you have fun? is it like a great thing to travel with these guys? >> i'll say this. not one show in the year and a half has started on time. [ laughter ] and they drag me down with them. i'm there at 5:00 p.m., i'm getting ready, making carnitas,
and i'm on stage, i was like, i was up at 8:00. i was on time until i started working with black people. it's hard to be late, you got a clock on your phone, your watch, your iphone. in the old days, it was on the microwave, the microwave would be the clock. i thought you had to go? it's 1:10. you're like, push "clear." oh, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: go see george live this summer on "the comedy get down" tour. all summer long. thank you, george. we'll be right back with colin hay.
marco...! polo! marco...! s?? polo! marco...! polo! scusa? ma io sono marco polo, ma... marco...! playing "marco polo" with marco polo? surprising. ragazzini, io sono marco polo. s?, sono qui... what's not surprising? how much money amanda and keith saved by switching to geico. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank my guests. and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, his album is called "next year people." here with the song "if i had been a better man," colin hay! ? ? ? there were kings and queens and could have beens and
contender then now my seeds ? ? they've all been sown i scorched the earth behind me ? ? i could have made a better plan if i had been a better man ? ? but thrown into the dirt ? ? there must be more i told myself as i buttoned up my shirt ? ? well i could paint myself in glory now and be proud of who i am if i had been a better man ? ? stumbling through deep suburbs
? silence unwind i will sing you so long now only love ? ? only love makes me strong your charity i took as mine ? ? i claimed it as my own i followed my ascending star ? ? to far away from home i was mesmerized by shiny things ? ? now in frozen time i stand if i had been a better man ? ? now i'm kneeling and i'm digging deep deep into the ground i'm searching for ?
this is a special edition of "nightline." "daughters for sale." >> tonight -- >> i'd like to be a doctor. >> from a picture-perfect childhood to being sold for sex online. >> i was in shock. >> a family's nightmare. >> they took everything from my little girl. >> backpage.com. at the center under investigation for possible links to underage sex trafficking. we're with vice cops on dramatic stings. >> what's your name? please, you're under arrest. >> we track down the man behind backpage. >> you're a father what do you want to say to him? >> this special edition of "nightline" "daughters for sale"