Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 19, 2016 11:46pm-12:48am EST

11:46 pm
your room at night and takes a disgusting piece of your body that has fallen out of your head and gives you money. >> stephen: that's exactly right. >> nobody asks why? what's her agenda? why has she been sneaking into our children's room night after night taking samples of their d.n.a.? >> stephen: i'm sorry, what, what? >> you know what i'm talking about. >> when the bigfoot goes tooth foot it's like you and what army. and the tooth fairy is a clone of every human child that has lived. >> stephen: you're living in a fantasy world! you're living in a fantasy world. now it's up for to you diswied decide. let's take it to twitter. you can vote right now, who would win in a fight, bigfoot or the tooth fairy. pollspolls are open. i thought there was more to say there, but there's no more to say there. it's time for our next round are you ready for this? >> are you okay? >> i'm fine. >> stephen: i've jacked you
11:47 pm
are you ready to do this. >> my beard can take it. who would win in a fight: an or a walmart greeter with a crossbow? let's go to the tale of the tape. we'll start with the apple genius. he comes in at 5'8", 157 pounds, boasting an unused comp lit degree, his battle armor is a blue t-shirt, one of those dangly i.d.s, and an impenetrable layer of condescension. plus, he comes armed with a six-inch switchblade. he's aleady charged you $80 for earbuds, so he knows how to gouge. and he just spent last 6 hours trying to explain the cloud to your mom, so he's already in a killing rage. this genius' weaknesses include having to stop constantly for ios updates and not being an actual genius. very impressive, but don't underestimate his opponent: a walmart greeter with a crossbow. coming in at 5'4", down from the 5'11" in his prime.
11:48 pm
container. this friendly fellow is known for his warm demeanor and nipple-high belt. strengths include knowing the value of a dollar and what it mention his aluminum recurve crossbow with quick-detach quiver and carbide steel bolts, able to silently take down any animal. plus, he saw some messed-up stuff in korea. weaknesses include-- weakness. okay, john, apple genius with a switchblade versus walmart greeter with a crossbow. who do you like in this customer service smackdown? >> well, you know, i really one. as you know, i starred in a long series of ads for apple computer. i love apple products. i love the stores. i still-- ( applause ) excuse me. i still have the glasses and the suit and i'm ready to start work again as soon as possible. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but i have to go with that walmart greater with the crossboy beau. >> stephen: how is that possible? >> because it's a range weapon.
11:49 pm
he's going to shoot that apple dude from yards away before he gets near him. >> stephen: the crossbow has a 100-yard range but the walmart exwreert has the vision range of, like, eight yards. he is never going to see him. >> ageism. >> stephen: what? >> ageism. >> stephen: it's the truth, man. even if he gets a lucky shot off the apple guy has an iphone six-pluses over his heart, it rick shays off. nothing can destroy those things unless you drop them from the height of a coffee table. okay? >> low blow, low blow. >> stephen: that's it. >> doesn't matter. even if the greater misfires and hits the apple genius right in the skinny jeans, pulls the bolt out of his leg, gets him right through the eye cavity into his brain hole, what i call his genius hole. and then he bleeds out. >> stephen: that is-- that is-- that is a disgusting image. >> well, you chose the terms. you chose man-on-man death combat.
11:50 pm
violence. you know who else doesn't? apple-store employees. these are urbab, urbane, educated technological utopians, little beanies. they don't want to fight. do i trust them to with my back in a knife fight? this is not fruit ninja, okay. this is real life. >> stephen: here's what the apple genius does. he has backup. he uses siri. he says siri, give me how to fight a crossbow. >> i saw a flaw. >> stephen: you see awe flaw? you see this? and siri thinks he says crosby, and it starts playing crosby, stills and nash's "teach your children well." ( laughter ) >> yes. >> stephen: the old guy starts crying because he's reminded when he was younger and had a loughner san francisco who left him and he's got children out there he's never even met while the old guy is crying the apple genius guy comes up with his
11:51 pm
game over! ( cheers and applause ) game over! >> that is a fantastical narrative that you just spun. >> stephen: yes. >> a beautiful novel, but truly, stephen, gut check-- who do you believe-- in your heart-- has the capacity for murder? an apple employee or a walmart employee? ( laughter ) let's let twitter decide. you can vote now on "who would win in a fight, an apple genius with a switchblade versus a walmart greeter with a crossbow." tweet your votes today. the polls will close wednesday at midnight. get out and vote. or more accurately, stay on the couch and vote. that does it for... >> audience: friday night fights. >> stephen: give it up for mr. john hodgman, everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea
11:52 pm
( applause ) can't get unlimited data for your family? other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free!
11:53 pm
e trade is all about seizing opportunity. and i'd like to... cut. so i'm gonna take this opportunity to direct. thank you, we'll call you. evening, film noir, smoke, atmosphere... bob... you're a young farmhand and e trade is your cow. milk it. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. it's just a cough. if you could see your cough, you'd see just how far it can spread. robitussin dm max soothes your throat and delivers fast, powerful cough relief. robitussin dm max. because it's never just a cough. this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. not again. it's called a timeshare. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast,
11:54 pm
11:55 pm
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is a bestselling author, talk show host, and
11:56 pm
she's here to talk about her latest project, "chelsea does." >> it's so hard dating at my age. i'm busy. i work. i'm famous. i live with a les. my life is complete-- it's all over the map. so it's really hard for me to meet a guy. >> maybe you don't remember. >> how to find someone? >> yeah. >> or maybe it could take a long, long time to try to find someone. >> do you guys think-- and i really want your honest opinions -- do you think as a 40-year-old-- i mean, i can get up and show you my body and stuff. to get married? >> okay. and you think that i have a >> yes. >> yes. >> thank you. >> stephen: please welcome
11:57 pm
( applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> thank you! what a lovely audience. >> stephen: you have more than a decent figure. you have a lovely figure. >> thank you. thank you for noticing. >> stephen: do you often go to seven-year-olds for validation of your sexiness? >> when i get sick and tired of hearing what call the daults have to say, yes, i do. >> stephen: we have met one time before. i really enjoyed meeting you. defense backstage at the time >> yes, yes! >> stephen: you had been named one of the 100 most influential people in the world. >> that was. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. congratulations. >> thank you. and you were-- were you the emcee. >> stephen: i was the emcee that night, exactly. i was the emcee. i was the emcee that night. >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. yeah. they couldn't give me-- they couldn't give me the time 100 award because i had already been on the list twice before. >> oh, wow!
11:58 pm
you'll get it a second time. >> i don't remember. what years were those? >> stephen: uhhh... i think 1957 and 1959. i'm a little bit older than you. >> yeah, that's a long time ago. >> stephen: now i loved "chelsea lately." why did you stop "chelsea lately?" it was on for only seven years. >> because you had to sit-- because it was really stupid. >> stephen: but i love stupid. stupid is good. >> no, i love stupid too. but you can only talk about stupidity for so long before you actually become stupid. i mean, it was really, really hard to talk to people like that every day. >> stephen: i wouldn't know what you're talking about. i have no idea what you're talking about. >> how do you-- how do you like it? do you like interviewing celebrities every night. >> stephen: i do, i do. >> you better say you do. >> stephen: i don't like interviewing celebrities. i like people. you're a celebrity, but i don't care. >> right -- >> i don't. i like you as a person. you're an entertaining person. >> but you wouldn't know me if i wasn't a celebrity. >> stephen: i know, thank god
11:59 pm
if you were just off someplace i would miss out on you, but i haven't, thanks to hollywood. >> i would say that's thanks to god. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah, jesus christ and his savior. >> stephen: really, jesus, jesus-- wait a second. nice try. jesus christ and his-- hold on. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up! back it up! >> stephen: you just said jesus christ and his savior. >> yeah. i'm jewish i don't know how that goes. jesus christ -- >> well, you know, chel chelsy the door is always open. the door is always open. >> jesus christ is god's son, right? >> stephen: that's exactly right. that's exactly how it works. you've caught up with the first century. >> and who is mohammed. >> stephen: mohammed say prophet of god. >> and he. >> -- and he's friends with gandhi? >> stephen: no, i think gandhi liked him just fine.
12:00 am
>> we're getting somewhere. >> stephen: you're not a very religious person, i take it. >> no, but i've done yoga. >> stephen: that's close enough. ( laughter ) you took 18 months off after "chelsea lately." >> that was the best, the best time of my life ever. >> stephen: being off, not working? >> i grew up. i turned 40. i was didn't have to go to work every day. i traveled the world. >> stephen: that's not what grown-ups do. grown-ups suck is up and go to work whether they like it or not. >> i'm back to work. back off! you have very, very aggressive! >> stephen: i'm going to baptize you in a minute. ( cheers and applause ) you'd never even know. it's like the tooth fairy. in the middle of the night i'm going to come for you. >> the church wouldn't take me. >> stephen: what? >> they would reject me. >> stephen: they refuse no river, chelsea. so "chelsea does," you-- you does various things.
12:01 am
>> stephen: the sea refuses no river? >> that was so gross! >> stephen: you don't like that? >> no, i don't like it. it reminds me of other things. anyway, what were you saying? >> stephen: just talking about your show. >> oh, talking about my show. i did a docu-show. i did one on racism and silicon valley because i'm a luddite. i did one on drugs because i love them. and i did one on marriage because i don't know anything about that. i wanted to pick different topics, some i knew a little bit about, and some i knew nothing about. how is your marriage? >> stephen: it's really good. my wife is in the audience tonight, actually. >> she is? oh, hi! that's so sweet! >> stephen: yeah. >> you guys are like-- you guys are like dr. phil and his wife. >> stephen: exactly. at the end of every episode i walk out, i kiss her, and we walk into the sunset. you know what we haven't done? talked about your show at all. could you stick around after the economy, break.
12:02 am
>> stephen: do you really want to? >> i'm so excited. your wife is here. that's so sweet. it really is. it's so sweet. the three of us should do something later. we'll be a thuple. >> stephen: that's really nice. you'll have to explain to me what that is. we'll be right back with chelsea handler. we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning) ...alec? we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps.
12:03 am
it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. i have asthma... ...one of many pieces in my life. so when my asthma symptoms kept coming back on my long-term control medicine, i talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment. once-daily breo prevents asthma symptoms. breo is for adults with asthma not well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. breo won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. breo opens up airways to help improve breathing for a full 24 hours. breo contains a type of medicine that increases the risk of death from asthma problems and may increase the risk of hospitalization in children and adolescents. breo is not for people whose asthma is well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. once your asthma is well controlled, your doctor will decide if you
12:04 am
different asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. do not take breo more than prescribed. see your doctor if your asthma does not improve or gets worse. ask your doctor if 24-hour breo could be a missing piece for you. see if you're eligible for 12 months free at mybreo.com. every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting the water they need for their families. each limited edition stella artois chalice helps provide five years of clean water
12:05 am
12:06 am
ov wi te th wh fo cr ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with the great chelsea handler. we were talking about. >> i want to interrupt you. my sisters came tonight because they really like you and they never come to anything. they don't even watch me. >> stephen: they sound like lovely people. >> they are. they're in the back.
12:07 am
>> are they younger or older? >> everyone is older than me. family? >> i'm from a big family. six. that's a lot. i'm the youngest. >> stephen: i'm the youngest. it's fantastic. stories. >> and when they stop listening you get your own tv show. >> stephen: exactly. it's called being needy. it's called being needy. ( applause ) but it butt you got rid of your "chelsea does." but as you're saying, these are serious issues you're talking about-- >> serious issues but with a sense of humor. >> stephen: i know, but is this "chelsea does journalism?" why did you want to learn about-- drug. you drank iowaska tea, used in spiritual awakenings among the indigenous people of peru. how did that work out? >> you hallucinate. the first time it didn't hit me. i have a high tolerance. >> stephen: with the tea or pretty much anything? >> pretty much anything-- the
12:08 am
and the second name nighti had to go with the shawman -- >> you're with a shawman and a fire. >> there's not a fire, no -- >> don't talk like that was a crazy thing to ask! "there's not a fire!" i mean it's a shaman not a witch doctor. >> it wasn't a cracked house. ( laughter ) so they put this brew in and they brew this tea with these leaves -- >> what is iowaska? >> it's like a tree root. it's got d.m.t. in it. and you vomit. >> stephen: sign me up! >> yeah. and you purge. they call it purging and you purge and you have all these hallucinations about your childhood. it's very, very vivid, like, vivid imagery. >> stephen: and is that good? i mean, did you get something from it? >> yeah, i had forgotten they loved my sister. >> stephen: all right. ( laughter ) so i told her right away. i was like, "hey, girl, love you again! >> stephen: you also do one on racism. >> yes. >> stephen: and you actually talked to some people from my home state of south carolina,
12:09 am
wasn't that bad. did you freak out on them when they said that? what was your reaction? how did you control yourself? >> this was for me-- these documentaries were an exercise in restraint. nothing about. i wanted to be out of my comfort zone -- where did you grow up? documentaries. what you think you know about racism you don't know until you go to the south. i always had an idea that everybody who is racist is some hillbilly that lives in the south with one tooth and, you know, drinks beer from 9:00 a.m. to-- till whenever he passes out. but i actually met a lot of people that were intellectuals that were racists, that, you know, had a college education, that-- i mean -- >> some of them are running for president. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) you're welcome. >> stephen: thank you very much. do you get into politics at all. >> yeah! i love politics.
12:10 am
politics. >> stephen: like now, or like in general in your life? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm afraid that's all we have time for, chelsea. >> oh, i guess forget it, then. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> it was great to be here. thank you for having me. >> stephen: it was lovely to meet your sister. >> and it was lovely to meet your wife and your wife's hello, friend, wife. this is like a family reunion. it's like we're a bunch of mormons, all our big families. ( laughter ). >> stephen: people can stream this now? >> yes, it's available on netflix right now! >> stephen: "chelsea does" is available on netflix right now. chelsea handler, everybody. thanks so much. ( applause ) what the internet did for buying music and plane tickets and shoes? you would turn an intimidating process into an easy one. you could get a mortgage on your phone.
12:11 am
and wouldn't those buyers need to fill their homes with lamps and blenders and sectional couches with hand-lathed wooden legs? and wouldn't that mean all sorts of wooden leg-making opportunities for wooden leg makers? and wouldn't those new leg makers own phones from which they could quickly and easily secure mortgages of their own, further stoking demand for necessary household goods as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things and isn't that the power of america itself now shrunk to fit the hands of a child, or, more helpfully, a home-buying adult. anyway. that's what we were thinking. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan]
12:12 am
because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. [dog whine]
12:13 am
(man) this is where it all started. i received a call from our dispatch center. smoke was coming from a manhole, and that's not good. we entered the manhole. we discovered that the cables had been melted by the fire. we jumped in, we got to work, and in a little over eight hours, we had the power back on. hi, i'm john snyder, distribution system supervisor for appalachian power. it's my goal to keep the lights on and everything run smoothly, and no one even notices. (announcer) we may be a power company, but the true power in our communities
12:14 am
( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, my parents always told me to never talk politics at the dinner table, which is why i don't have a dinner table out here. ( laughter ) and we've still got nine months until the election. but between now and then, the brave candidates have a long, strange trip full of unexpected dangers. this is the road to the white
12:15 am
>> the american dream is dead. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that opening graphic was based on a true story. now, on the republican side tomorrow, all eyes are on my home state of south carolina. and i encourage all palmetto state republicans to get out and vote. you can have an important voice in who i'll be making jokes about for the next four years. i think you know who my choice is. and this is still anybody's race. believe it or not, the hottest thing on social media right now is current presidential candidate and future co-op board treasurer, jeb bush. jeb knows he really needs to win south carolina, so he's bringing out the big guns, by which i mean tweeting this photo of an actual gun, with his name engraved on it.
tv-commercial
12:16 am
gun owners, or he's going to camp and his mom wrote his name on everything. and the the stakes could not be higher for marco rubio. in iowa, he stormed into third place. in new hampshire, he thundered into fifth place. and he's surging towards second after pouring a lot of other people's money into this new ad. >> it's morning again in america. today more men and women are out of work than ever before in our nation's history. people paying more in taxes than they will for food, housing, and clothing combined. it's morning again in america, and under the leadership of barack obama and hillary clinton, our country is more vulnerable, divided and diminished than ever before. >> stephen: yes, an uplifting message of hope. it's morning in america. but you've got no job, isis is going to kill us all, go back to
12:17 am
put a nipple on it. and i'm sure this ad will boost the senator, because it provides a hopeful vision for america, the greatest country on earth! except for maybe the one you're seeing in this ad, which uses stock footage of canada. yes. it turns out that skyline is vancouver and that american boat of optimism has a canadian flag on back. maybe it's trying to tug vancouver into the united states! the point is, ladies and gentlemen, that regardless of the footage, i believe this ad speaks to all americans, as surely as the eagle soars, marco rubio is as american as baseball
12:18 am
( cheers and applause ) he will strengthen our armed forces. he will secure our vulnerable southern border, bring back good american jobs, fix our educational system, and make this country great again. because it's morning in america. vote rubio. you won't be sourry. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with zosia mamet. scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to.
12:19 am
nationwide is on your side representative. 53 state wins, and t-mobile... whoa, whoa, whoa. listen, folks. i have to apologize, again. look, those were last years numbers. it says right here on the card. t-mobile doubled there lte coverage in the last year. and with more lte towers than verizon, t-mobile reaches pretty much everyone they do. i'm not taking responsibility on this one... uh-uh, verizon got it wrong... yes! not me! join the millions that switched.
12:20 am
go on, git! there's gold in them thar shells. liquid gold. this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
12:21 am
12:22 am
our makeup remover take it all off? every kiss-proof,cry-proof,-proof look?gena makeup remover does.99% of your most stubborn makeup one towelette. any more proof than that?utrogena. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest plays the neurotic, fast talking shoshanna on the hit show "girls." >> that looks great and is ready for some bridessed maidy action. by the way, living in japans that made me so effing good at folding, steaming, pressing, et cetera. me friend said i'm a natural and can compete with the rest of them. they have a reality tv called,"fold, fold, press."
12:23 am
zosia mamet. ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: "girls" season 5 premieres on hbo this sunday at 10 p.m. congratulations on season five. >> thank you. >> stephen: how does it feel to be part of an honest-to-god cultural artifact. it has been called one of the most accurate portrails of what it's like to be a woman in her 20 today. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you-- you. >> you would know. >> stephen: no, i just read that. it's on the card. >> it's on the card, i i got it. >> stephen: do you love finding out what happens to the character or do you dread it? is it predictive of your life? >> no, shoshanna and i are incredibly different. the amount of, like, products that they dress. i bought a brush, like air, year
12:24 am
yeah, i love finding it out. i-- we did press the other day for "girls," and they were asking about, like, if we try to imagine what's going to happen to our characters? but it's so above and beyond what i could ever imagine, so i always just show up at the table read like, "what's going to happen? let's see! oh, wow, that's crazy!" >> stephen: now, the girls, they do engage in the physical contact in a sexual nature. >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: to keep-- it's cbs. when you look-- do you skim-- are you dreading that or going like, "that will be fun?" when you look at the script, is it comfortable to see that in the script, like, "what am i going to have to do here?" >> it's not like jumping-- it's not like naked people are coming out of my page as me. >> stephen: i know, but i've never-- >> oh, my god! >> stephen: i've never done a sex scene. i've never done a sex scene. >> really! oh, my god. >> stephen: no, i've done the sex, but i've never done the sex scene.
12:25 am
>> so you've done-- yeah. you've done -- >> i guess what i'm asking if i saw that in a script, i would be like, "oh, my god. what's that going to be like?" >> yeah, it's kind of like the sex, except it's pretend. so it's, like, pretend-- it's pretend sex. >> stephen: uh-huh. i did that for-- i did that for years before i met a woman. >> did you? so you know! >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so you know. you just didn't read it first. you just read it in your mind. >> stephen: exactly. >> it was like the script played in your mind. it was like, "and then he goes to the dresser--" and i don't know why you're going to the dresser. >> stephen: i don't know, but i can't wait to read the rest of the script. >> something very sex so the dresser. i promise. >> stephen: your character moved to japan. >> yeah. >> stephen: "a," why japan? and did you shoot in japan? >> well, my character gets a job there. and she's having a very hard time getting a job in america, but then the japanese are like, "hey, come here and work."
12:26 am
>> stephen: is there a lot of japanese jobs for girls in their 20s? >> you would be surprised. you would be very surprise gld did you learn japanese? >> i learned tiny bits of japanese. >> stephen: anything left? you got anything left over. i was reminded of this word when we were doing press the other day. it means cute. it's sort of a slang term like oh, wuaui. it means cute, like swaing cute. >> stephen: ( speaking japanese ). >> are you trying to make me look bad? what was that? you just set me up. >> stephen: everything i know that's in japanese i learned from james clavell's "shogun." that's it. miniseries that's all i know. >> i'm out. >> stephen: that's it, i've got nothing left. if you hadn't said that i would think the man speaks fluent japanese. >> stephen: i'll edit out where i said, "i don't know how to speak japanese."
12:27 am
>> yeah, why not. >> stephen: that would be a great rumor. would you like any rumors spread about you? you know what i hear? >> what. >> stephen: i hear that, like, when he was younger, you and beck used to play squash together. >> no, it wasn't squash. it's that other thing that squash is like -- >> racquetball? >> no, no, no. >> stephen: handball. >> bad mitten. >> stephen: yeah, that's what it was. you used to play badmitten every day, and that's why it's a perkave dog-- >> i don't know if it's playing. it's more we experienced badmitten together. you know what i mean? is there no. >> yeah, me either. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. congratulations. >> thank you for having me! the fifth season of "girls"
12:28 am
10:00.ressur flight. i'm not peeking my flight. i'm peeking my...wait, i missed my flight. owl photos. desert photos. photos of... dolphins! a high-stepping man. pizza gifs.
12:29 am
you get a cold. you can't breathe through your nose. suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. well, just put on a breathe right strip which instantly opens your nose up to 38% more than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right you're getting 3 here. alright? here goes. yep. [ crunching ] oh! cheddar, sour cream & onion, and salt & vinegar. wow! wow! how did you do that?! i can see through the blindfold. [ male announcer ] pringles! every day women around the world spend millions of hours just collecting the water they need for their families. each limited edition stella artois chalice helps provide five years of clean water
12:30 am
12:31 am
the song, "ophelia," ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lumineers! ah, ah when i was young i, i should've known better and i can't feel no remorse and you don't feel nothing back i, i got a new girlfriend here feels like he's on top and i don't feel no remorse
12:32 am
can't see past my blindness oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love i, i got a little paycheck you got big plans and you gotta move and i don't feel nothing at all and you can't feel nothing small honey, i love you that's all she wrote oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia
12:33 am
in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love oh, ophelia you've been on my mind, girl since the flood oh, ophelia heaven help the fool who falls in love ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the lumineers' new album, "cleopatra," is out april 8,
tv-commercial
12:34 am
we'll be right back. the world a president has to grapple with. sometimes you can't even imagine. that's the job. and she's the one who's proven she can get it done. ...securing a massive reduction in nuclear weapons... ...standing up against the abuse of women... ...protecting social security... ...expanding benefits for the national guard... ...and winning health care for 8 million children... the presidency is the toughest job in the world and she's the one who'll make a real difference for you.
12:35 am
12:36 am
with tempur-flex you've got the spring and bounce of a traditional mattress. my cloud feels like somebody's hugging you. (vo) there's a tempur-pedic for everyone. and now through february 28th, save up to $300 on one of our most popular tempur-breeze mattress sets. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in monoday when my guests will be casey affleck, richard dreyfuss, and music legend mavis staples. good night, everybody! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right it's the late, late show
12:37 am
way from libbey, montana, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! (cheers and applause) >> james: good evening and welcome to "the late, late show." thanks for staying up for us. ( cheers and applause ) >> james: thank you so much. i appreciate it. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. of course the big news today is that north korea has claimed that they have successfully detonated a hydrogen bomb. and i-- well, don't start clapping, reg, it's not-- (laughter). it's not a clapping scenario. it's a hydrogen bomb. it is a thousand times more powerful than an anatomic bomb.
12:38 am
worse. it's right after i booked my family vacation to north korea. (laughter) but i think north korea is just trying to scare us. and you know what, we will not be terrorized, okay? because in this country, we will do what we do best, which is basically chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' at all costs. all right? and step one to relaxing is order yourself the number one best seller on amazon and i'm not making this up, this craze is sweeping the nation. it's adult coloring books. (laughter) >> this 29-year old new york beauty blogger spends her days reviewing lipsticks and nail polish. in her free time, she has discovered a different kind of coloring. >> this is my dragonfly that i did. >> for an old-fashioned hobby, it's right on trend. >> it takes you back to childhood but on a grownup level. like, you feel like you can do it with a glass of wine instead of a glass of milk.
12:39 am
was a reason why kim jung un is so stressed out: not enough coloring books. but the woman in that video who colors in an adult coloring book while drinking a glass of wine alone in her apartment. (laughter) i mean, guys, it took us about a hundred years but we finally have a new definition for the word "single." (laughter) i mean this is going to be fun though because now when people come over for dinner and they point at the fridge and they're like "aw, that is adorable. did your son do that?" i can make things really weird by saying "no, i did." (laughter) they say this is good for stress. i've got to say if you're an adult who spends a lot of time coloring, i'm going to go out on a limb and say you don't have many problems in your life. nobody is working three jobs and going "hey, check out this pink dragonfly. didn't go over the lines once." but it's not just adult coloring books. people are also trying to release tension through other
12:40 am
for example, and this was in the news, a man in portland, oregon has made a new year's resolution to draw a butt every day in 2016. completely true. yeah, so when this guy draws one butt a day, he's an artist. when i do it, it's sexual harassment. honestly, if i wanted to see an ass every day, i'd just visit ted cruz's instagram. thank you. up top. up top. don't leave me hanging. do not leave me hanging. yeah, you, purple tie, come on. yeah, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, we're only six days into the new year. i can't believe it. this is in the news. like, what was the discussion in the newsroom? were they like, "david, north korea's got a hydrogen bomb, get on it. allison, you've got the obama speech.
12:41 am
draw a butt every day this year. catch him before he gets to butt six." but the truth is, all of these relaxation methods seem like nothing compared to what one los angeles based company has come up with. >> we believe that we truly can elevate small aspects of life. we believe that we can increase efficiency in our down time. no tricks, no gimmicks, we are focused on one thing. and we do one thing the best that we can possibly do it. we make hoods become pillows. >> james: completely real video. we did not-- that is completely real. i mean finally an answer to the question "what do you get for the man who sleeps at the park?" i got to tell you, i think this is going to be a tough product to take off.
12:42 am
compete with other products that help you sleep such as a bed and you know, nighttime. i mean they say dress for the job you want. and this is perfect if the job you want is no job. so you know, sure, north korea, you can build your hydrogen bomb because we have adult coloring books, inflatable pillow hoodies, our butt drawings, and that is why i am proud to be an american. god bless this show and god bless these united states of america, y'all! do we want to see who is on the show tonight? we have a great show this evening. in the blue room, he is an acting legend, you know from from films like "escape from new york," "silkwood," and tarantino's latest, brilliant "the hateful eight." we are so excited to have him on the show, mr. kurt russell is here this evening!
12:43 am
hey, kurt, how are you? >> hey man, how are you doing? >> james: are you well? >> i'm just waiting for you to tell me to come out. >> james: i will. i just love that you are so powerful. you don't even open your own door. that's when you know you have made it right, reg? that is when you know have done it. >> you have really nice dressing rooms, i got to say. >> james: we made it nice for you, kurt russell. >> look at the food here. it's all good. >> james: he is wearing unbelievable shoes. i have to tell you. get a zoom in, get closer on these shoes. >> do you like these? >> james: look at that. that is when you know you're kurt russel. from head to toe, kurt russell, and we love him. thank you for being here. kurt russell! (cheers and applause). >> james: and in the orange room this evening, ladies and gentlemen, he is one of my favorite actors. you know from "there will be blood." he is incredible in "love and mercy." you are about to see him in "war
12:44 am
paul dano is here tonight. (cheers and applause) hey, paul. how are you? >> i'm good. >> james: i love that. paul actually brought that mug with him from when the last time he was on the show. he is never without it, that's right, right? >> that's right. i travel with it everywhere. >> james: he just gets more handsome, doesn't he? he gets more handsome every day, i'm so excited to see him at 45. thank you for being here, paul dano, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> james: beautiful face. beautiful face. good head of hair. trusting eyes and a good embrace when you meet him. that is why we love him. and ladies and gentlemen, this is exciting. because in the purple room tonight, is he a former nasa scientist whose work was powering every day electronics using nothing but the items in your fridge, has earned him the lew allen award for excellence, he is going to revolutionize the way we power our homes.
12:45 am
that is gilles grimandi is here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) hey, gilles. >> hey, james. sorry, caught me in the middle of shaving. >> james: no way, you're not powering that by a cantaloupe? >> this is a run of the mill cantaloupe. i'm going to show you how you can use any day food items to shave hundreds of dollars offer your electric bill. no pun intended. >> james: it's going to be so much fun, gilles grimandi. shall we get started? he's reggie watts, i'm james corden, and this, this is the "late, late show". roll the titles! captioning sponsored by cbs the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show, ooh the late, late show, oh, oh
12:46 am
oh, oh the late, late show >> james: i was going to take a drink, there is nothing-- have i no-- (laughter) it was like oh, there's nothing in there. okay, have i to take this off. i have to take this off, right? oh, do you want to see a magic trick? (cheers and applause). >> james: i will show you a magic trick. can i do that, right? okay. a regular bottle of water. okay. so look at this, right, regular bottle, just pour a bit on my hand there like that, okay. regular water. so watch this, okay? watch this. all right, okay. okay. (laughter) okay, watch this, all right, hang on.
12:47 am
( cheers and applause ) i can show you something only for-- i can show you something else. i need like something sharp like a tooth pick or-- any of these-- paper-- hang on, let me just. there we go. tooth pick and-- ( cheers and applause ) okay. watch this. okay, ready? don't believe this is real? watch. okay. here we go, ready? ( cheers and applause ) and then one, two, three, you break the spell. stick around. we have a fun show.
12:48 am
the nissan rogue. with the power and performance of our intuitive all-wheel drive. now get a $189 per month lease on the 2016 nissan rogue. discover card. hey, i heard you guys can help me with frog protection? sure, we help with fraud protection. if there are unauthorized purchases on your discover card, you're never held responsible. you are saying "frog protection"? fraud. frog. fraud!

0 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on