tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 19, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: oh, hi! i didn't see you there. i was just about to catch the "late show" and watch their live coverage of the republican national convention. wait a minute, what am i saying? i host "the late show"-- and live means now. oh, my gosh! i've got to think of something fast! got it! hit it, jon! ? ? ? ? this week you and me ? we will witness history as the r.n.c. crowns
? we'll see wacky hats crazy ties worn by thousands of white guys ? an entire airplane hangar filled with donaldrump's ex-wives ? ? we'll see newt, ron annd, maybe members of the klan ? ? but no muslims or latinos because i think they've all been banned ? ? it will be crazy you can't deny ? it's like christmasn july ? in cleveland! ? to the quicken loans ena it's the finest place you've seen-a ? it can near fit each person fired by carly fiorina ? it's the q, but let's be clear q doesn't stand for queer ?hough it really doesn't matter ? there aren't many of them here it will be crazy ? you can't deny it's like christmas in july ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: build a wall around
? ? ? ? ? ? >> stephen: and there's so much more in store, because it's not one night, it's four! ? so... reince priebus will campaign huffing paint to ease the pain ? while ben carson juggles brains ted cruz is drinking whiskey ? no s sitting with chris chstie ? and mitt romney bungi in to y "doeanybody miss me?" ? jeb is in the bathroom yelling "why?" ? it's like christmas in july ? ? the party of lincoln ?
? it's like christmas in july ? ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now live from ed sullivan in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party! may contain traces of republican.
>> stephen: here we go! ( cheers and applause ) nicely done! right on time! ( audience chaepnting n ) well, i'll take it thank you, ladies and gentlen! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) anks, everybody! ease, ve s oh, what a night! you can feel it in the air. it's absolutely eltric out here. welcome to "the late show," live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city! ( cheers and applause ) i'm stephen lber we're live all week during trump'convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great agai ( laughter )
as a matter of fact, it might have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this-- ? we are the champions my friend ? ? and we'll keep on fighting till the end ? ? we are e champions ? we are the chaions ? ( cheers and applause ) ? no ti forosers because he c a tions ? of the world ? ( chee and applause ) ( laughter )
>> stephen: yes, we are the champions the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values, by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman! ( cheers and applaus ) this is crazy. craziss you may not know this but you're not pposed to see the ndide bere the nomination, let alon the first night. that's like the bride not only ing seen on her wedding day, but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor pty. ( laughter ) ta-da! hellooo! and that wasn't the only drama today. there was drama this afternoon to change the rules so theytried wodn't be forced to vote for when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walkedut.
4:20, my friends! ( cheers and applae ) oh, yeah. oh, yeah. yeah, oh, yeah. yeah. 4:20. yeah. oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. they might not have been mad. they might have been a little, say,nacky? ( laughter ) and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago, when a protester from the room by trump supporters, and-- see that guy? i don't know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face he's a biker for trump, and i think he's also clearly someone'little brother. ( laughter ) i'm not touching you! i'm not touching you! you can't tell mom! i'm not actually touching you! ( cheers and applause ) this is my side! convention!side of the
this is my side. that's your side. i'm not touching you. ( laughter ) for the record, i was someone's little brother. now, tonight the official theme of the convention was "make america safe again." it's major concern. safety, a major concern for the g.o.p. right n. because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. they're a little shaky-- they're feeling a little shaky right now. ( cheers and alause ) like this, like that. smooth, smooth. all right. and keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what you're thinking-- i hope in.chi from "happy days" weighed well, fear not! >> hillary clinton wants to be president for hillary clton. donald trump wants to be president for all of us. >> sphen: and scott baio wants someone from tvland to put "happy days" back on!
now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick rudy giuliani tonight, about an hour ago, gave a spirited sech with a strong endorsement of donald trump. >> what i did for new york, donald trump will do for america! >> stephen: yes, donald trump will send all of america's homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores! yes! ( cheers andpplause ) oh! donald trump wl get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp! ( laughter ) and, headlining make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert melania trump who, i just watched it, she gave a very impressive speech. just goes to show, behind every great man is-- well, in this case, actually, chris christie
( applause ) "if i stanre long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. definitely. he's got to-- i got to get something for this. i got to get-- what's happenin to me?" ( ughter ) of cose, instd of chris ristie, trump ended picking ina his vice trump, and-- ( audience booing ) --t's all be friends. and, together they released the new trump-pence logo, which, don't kn?mow if you gu have seen this, it looks like this, right there. ( applause ) now, a lot of people have made fun of it.
was doing something to the "p" or perhaps the "p" was doing something special for the "t" because it was the "t's" birthday, let's say. i don't know really know. ( applause ) but what i say is-- but who am i to judge what's going on between two consenting consonants? ( laughter ) now, the logo was immediately taken do and replaced with this one. no hardcore letter on letter action right there.( laughter ) but i found out, there was one other logo they considered. it touted their strong business experience, and it's the two of them in front of a desk and it's very professional, i think. ( cheers and appla)use right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this ( laughter ) have to blur. now,ay hi to our jazz delegation, everybody!
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like it. there you go. and, last night, trump and pence gaveheir first joint intview on "60 minutes." 60 minutes, of cours apparently the amount of time trump spent arning about mike ( laughter ) though, it is clear these two already have great chemistry. >> talking with him in private settingsi love the words you used, because this man is awed with the american people and he is not intimidated by the world and donald trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of thenited states. >> i love what he just said. ( laughter ) ( applause )
hey! hey! hey, get aoom, y two! just, not the oval office, okay? and chk it out, they gave the interview in trump's penthouse apartment while sittinon these giant golden chairs. i'm beginning to believe trump's plan to fix the economy involves melting down his dinette set. ( laughter ) now, throughout this interview last night, the two kept finding things that they have in common. >> at least, i've read, a very low key, very religis. you're a brash new yorker. >> religious. >> religious? >> religious, yeah. >> you? >> yeah, religious. hey, i won the evangelicals. >> that doesn't mean-- >> well, i think it means a lot. >> stephen: to quote our lord and savior jesus christ... wow. ( cheers and applause )
yes, that guy's got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. yes, trump won the evangelicals, which proves he's religious. the same way you prove you're a family man if you eat a family- sized tub of cheese balls. but leslie stahl did find some things the two disagreed on. >> do you think john mccain was not a hero, because he was captured? >> i have a great deal of respect for john mccain. >> do you think he went too far? that's okay. on that one you can say yes. that's fine. >> stephen: you can say yes. you can say yes. say whatever you want. tell her what you really think. i mean, it's fine, my man. you can answer. i'm not going to get in the way. next question. next question. ( laughter ) now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview, he clearly knows what it's like to be held prisoner. but i think-- ( applause )
you can talk, you can talk. go ahead and talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. ( laughter ) but i think trump's finest moment is when he finally stood up to leslie stahl's bullying. >> you're not known to be a humble man. but i wonder-- >> i think i am actually humble. i think i'm much more humble than you would understand. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "yeah, yeah, i'm humble. how ore many mildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am? all right? i'm the humblest, most luxuriously, self-effacing, most big league modest man, believe me, i belong to the admiral class four-stare diamond humble club which, by the way leslie, you would never get in, you're a six at best." ( laughter ) we'll be right bk hopefully with an old friend. i feel my basic cable senses tingling. stick around! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) (band playing) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! i hope you can tell, i am sure you are too, i am very excited about what happened this week. i'm really excited about what's because we don't know what's going to happen this week. happen when we can't begin to explain how we got here? ( laughter ) how did donald trump get the nomination? i know i can't explain it. but i think i know somebody who might be able to. excuse me. hold on.right back. i'll be right back. don't go anywhere. i'll be righback.
( wn ) >> this is not a pokemon gymnium anymore. catch with your friends somewhere else. >> sphen: jon, jon it's me! it's sphen. >> bubbe. >> stephen: how are you? chai kambucha come on in! we'll have some jerky, i'm making it myself! >> stephen: no, jon, jon listen. i know that you and your beard are very busy these days. but i'm here to tell you that it's the republican national convention this week. >> oh, well, i think they had one of those four years ago! >> stephen: no, they're doing other one jon. listen, you will not believe who the nominee is. >> the old jon stewart talked about politics and things like that. me, m not, i don't-- jeb bush will be a great nominee. everything will be fine. >> stephen: jon, it's not jeb. jon, it's not jeb.
>> before you te i'mll me, little parchedif i may please. >> stephen: oh, you want to ke a little-- >> just enough to wet the whistle before you tell me nominee. so before you say the name, if you don't mind, i wouldn't mind bringing liquid-- >> stephen: because you presently don't know who it is. are you ready? >> yh. if i may. >> stephenit's donald trump. ( laughter )! >> wha >> stephen: yep! >> the guy from "the apprentice?" >> stephen: yep. the guy d thwho dimcdonald's commercial with grimace? >> stephen: sa guy. bankruptcy in 1991. >> stephen: and '92. >> and 2004. >> s: antephen2009. >>that guy stephen: yes >>mike tyson business advisor, thatuy? phen>> steindeed, the me >> the guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. >> stephen: yes, the guy who looks like an angry creamsicle. >> decomposing jack-o'-lantern. >>tephen: human toupee hybrid >> that guy >> stephen: yes >> auy who looks like here's actually wearing a donalump costume. that guy. >> stephen: yes, a loose fting one at that.
that's the guy. guy who wrote "oftentimes when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you belie what i am getting?" that guy. >> stephen: yes, the same y who said "have black guys counting mmoney, i hate it. money are short guys that wearmy yarmulkes all day ." >> that guy. >> stephen: yes. that guy. >> by the way, we wear them all night, t. >> stephen: so you can see why i'm here. you understandhat i'm king for. i'll wait. ( frantic muttering and scgreamin >> the guy fm the republican convention. thatuy. >> stephen: hello, fend. i'm sorry i can't he you, you see, jon and are very happy jerkand canning our owineng for the end time >> you said it was gatorade.
that jeb bush will be a fine candidate. >> it's not jeb, actually. >> stephen: it's noteb? >> i thought it s gointo be jeb too a few years o. but it's not, its a differt guy. >> stephen: who is it? >> wet your whistle before you do >> stephenreally >> yes >> stephen: leme get mouthful. >> stephen: at!trump! yes! >> stephen: hold this! geout of my way! >> call me if you're going tbe te! oh, that's good urine. ( nkee doodle dandy playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woo! ( audience chanting stephen )
>> stephen: yes! hello, nation! ( cheers and applause ) did you miss me? i know i did. well, it's time to say aloha to stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. let's fix it up, jimmy! ? ( eers and applause ) that's better. ready to do this thing? ready to do this thing? is that the truth hole? is this where it's going? all right. nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out
republican nominee. a lot of folks are wondering how america, god's girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. well, shhhhh! daddy's here. i know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. when i'm done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to "tonight's word." ( cheers and applause ) trumpiness! ( cheers and applause ) folks, lete tell you, people who don't support trump feel like t world has gone crazy. well, get in line. ( laughter ) because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china.
about what voters think. it's about what voters feel. and right now at least half of americans feel their voices aren being heard! ( laughter ) and let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals! (laughter ) think about this-- just consider why people stood behind beie sanders. you see, bernie, he understood their emotions. one said, "i think the bern." they said, "i feel the bern!" ( laughter ) now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i inventerd:d a wo truthiness. you see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isn't supported by fact. truthiness truthiness. right?
truthiness comes from the gut, because brains are overrated. you know who had a brain? ( laughter ) adolph hitler. so, naturally, brains aren't good. naturally, i admire this man. in fact, i see myself in him. we're both ovethe-top tv rsonalities who decided to run for president. but i admit, ladies and and gentlemen, i'm humble enough-- ( cheers and applause ) -- i'm humble enough to admit he has surpasd me now. truthiss has to feel true, but trumpiness doesn't even have to do that. in fact, many trump supporters don't believe his wildest ( laughter )hey don't care. yes! they don't care keep if heon't keep his wdest promises!
mean what he says, that means he can say anything. ( laughter ) and here's the deal-- truthiness was from the gut but trumpiness clearly comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. ( cheers and applause ) keep in mind, and i want to be clear about something-- his supporters know this. his supporters aren't dumb. take the border wall. just last month at a rally, trp sa we're going to bu a wall a it's ing toe a real wall. one of h supporters athat same rally pointed out, "ihink if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same as building the wall. the wall can be buileven witht havi to be built." yes, if yocan feel the wl, you don'have to see the wall. ( laught )thes i w t to be clear about this. e legitimately angry voters don't need a leadeto say
true. they na leader to feel things that fe feels! (laughter ) and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times. an emotional megaphone for voters full of re at a government that achieves noth an onomicystem that leaves them behind, and polics that elects people unfit for the job. and if you don't share tir feeling that you don't recognize your count anymore, trust me, if tmp wins, you will. and that's the word. thatther guy will be right back after these commercials. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) and here we have 1893, from the mers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> steen: you li the place? these are allour friends? >> stephen: thesare all our friends. they're your frien, too. aren't y her friends, also? ( cheers and applause ) very nice people. we only let the nicest people in here. >> i can tell. thank you! >> stephen: now listen, i'm going to go fan boy on you in just a minute becausi'm an enormous fan of your movies and your performances. but since this is a convention night and that is the theme of our week, i just wanto quickly ask you, do you follow politics at all? >> i am. i do have 20-month-old twins. >> stephen: you seem concerned. >> i'm wored.
this is the first time as an american that i'm looking out, you know, ani'm sort of thking, i'm a little worried. >> stephen: it's going to be okay. >> okay. >> stephen: i promise you. chhat an tis time next yearod there still will be a united states of america. >> okay. >> stephen: that's fairly certain. >> okay, good. because i'm a little bit of an extremist. i tend to, i'm an tress, right, i'm dramatic by nature. >> stephen: ama queen! >> uh, yeah. > stephen: so you have0- month-old twins? >> y, i do. >> stephen: oh my god, how do you get anything done? >> i don't know. i don't know. caffeine. >> stephen: oh, i'm all for it. >> a hus that i just boss around, "michael, do this and michael do that!" d like a lot of people that st, i mean, i'm the best at ing, "oh, hi, hey! "can you hold here?" i'm really good at tt. and i love the kindness of straers. it's amazi. >> stephen: so you hand your ba to stngers sometimes, is
i do. >> stephen: oasionally, occasionally. >> did i mention i have 20- month-old twindentical boys? >> stephen: yes, can understand why you're worried. ll, lets talk about "star trek beyond" for a second. i'm so looking forward to this movie. i'm a huge fan of both the ries and the two movies you've ne already andour performances overall. >> thankou. >> stephen: before we get started, i just wanted to sa passinof ant yelchin. the he seemed like such a wonderful actor. and you guys were together for so long. nine years workin films together. >> yes, he had just turned 18 when we met him, and he was the youngest one of the crew and i almost feel li he was th wisest one. it's a terrible loss. we're mourning. he's an irreplaceablpersonnd the kindrsonest peanhe lov what he did. so, i'm here today and the rest of the cast and j.j. and justin, we're here promong the movie mainly for him because he would have wanted that.
pencesrforma >> thank you. >> sphen: i ink all of these movies have such a hopeful, forward-looking quality to them. it's n jiencust scfiction. it's not like a dystopian science fiction. it's the science fiction of bright you've got to wear shades! did you-- >> well, i mean, it always sparks these amang convsations at my house. like whenever wek about like you knowshows like "star trek," can you imagine because, like, barack obama mentioned beg a fan of the show, that maybe this was one of the ows that really spired him to believe that he could actually be president of the united states of ameca. >> stephen: which, i'm nothe first person to say that he part vulcan. because-- >> he is part vulcan. >> stephen: he's got a very logical, very cool demeanor. >> it makes perfect sense. >> stephen: exactly. >> like take gene roddenberry for example, >> stephen: the creator of "star trek." >> he was a cop and he w very sappointed and just ved by
he created this concept of something of what he wou have liked to have seen life to be. and here we are 50 years later, and it continuously inspes so i do believe that art has the ability to ipire and inflict hope on people. and i, i le taking on that responsibility of being a pa of good work. >> stephen: were you a science fiction fan when y were younger? >> yes, but t of "star trek." >> stephen: ok. jimmy, let's edit that part out the interview, ease. ( laughter ) >> it's fine, it fine. >> stephen: what did you lik >> my mother watched it, so i always liked, i would like when she would share those special anecdes of why "star trek" was so special to her. was of a different generation but i al knew it was something big, you know? because it meant something to all people. >>phen: that's a very polite way ofaying you're much younger than i am. you said very different generation. >> i had no idea. we look like we're of the same time? >> stephen: the same time
"you could be from the same century, the two of you! wow!" >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: "what was eiseower like?" >> different sides of the spectrum, but we're good. wee doing good. >> stephen: we, you ve been in some of the greatesscience fiction projects of all time. obviously,star trek," but "gua of rdianse galaxy," which i think is the best sort of translation. >> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i love it. and gamora is an incredible character, and also avatar, which i understand you guys are making more of them. >> yes, we're making four more. >> stephen: wait, you're making four more? yes. so, i'm 38 now. i don't mind. it's okay. >> stephen: yeah, wee sa're th age. yeah, yeah. >> b, i think i'm going to be sh my oongace movies until i'm, like, 45. >>tephenoh, wow-- that old. thlaughter ) k you so much for being here. it was lovely to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) "star trek beyond" wl be in eaters july 22. zoe saldana, everybody! we'll be right back!
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( cheers and applause ) ( balaying ) >> stephen: welcomeack, everybod thank you so much! you ow folks, these conventions can be fun twatch,bt is a blood spo that we just watch. it is bare-knule brawling. it's, it's like "the hunger gas." , it's worse than that. it's-- "e hungry forower games!" ? ( cheers and applause ) ha ha! arrived at the 20 republan national hungry for qugas! ken loans arena, named for a ney leer syou kn isthleru! caligula, les go! th year's power games are a
executive suites, which case you will want to use the white elevators. ( laughter ) welcome to t arena, citizens so grand a, it cost hold donald trump's entirhead. ( laug ) what tt? s! oh, oh! let's go! the red carpet, ourse, is here to hide the riverof thatl eventuallyour do from the cornucopia, when donald trump, flanked by his two euchs takes e stage. by two eunuchs i of course mn paul ryan and reince preibus who clearly d thchker balls at ( cheers and applause ) the new jersey delegation has saved one front rose for chris christie to ha test poof t endssle vief hiscareer.
there you go "four score anseven years ago our fatherought forth thisontinent"-- oh that's that's fresh!t?otth hello,xcuse . i'm aut to go live. >> stephen: you're about to go live? oh, right. i apologize. >>ut do you want to-- >> steph: you're on telemund do they t telemundo in here? >> yes of course. >> stephen: you didn't have to burrow in around donald trump's wall? >> no. stephen: there's wall outside keeping telemundo out? >> stephen: answer auestion for me p favor quies mas macho? >> no mment. >> stephen: is that spanish? cause i don't understand. >> ( speaking spanish ) >> stephen: that sounds delicious but i'm alfull. north carolina has staged themselv strategicly next to thbathrooms so ty can check everyone's genitalia before ey, yoow, cast their ballots, as you say. i have a weasel in my pants. chk dd! hat lave matr washnd
your gtee! meanwhile,eral washington e has positionedtselnear anythingoes!a say mystery date. there only one thing left do and onlone ple i was not supposed to do it. ( cheers applause ) welcome, citiz to the hungry for poweres! ha ha! beautiful! this wk in ts ena, the repuicans roey aveth trulionay pass aut one candidate:illary clinton! th would do anything to stop r up to and including n trjamesop!onald j. jonah but tribtrump will not enter the arena alone,o! as formed an alliance with indiana governor mike pence! (laughter )
moment. sot is my honor toereby laun and beg the 2016 publican natiol hungry for power games! look, lo, i kn i'm not suosed to be up here, but let's be honest, neither is donald trump! we'll right back with more of our live conion special! stick nd! ( eers and applause ) ? itpp e new woodired grille grilled chicken twe b aaverag wipes for over clean serving aious variety seared to smoky oaperfecon. e'sothing for every craving... like savory wood-fire grilled chicken with two sid for jt $9.99. only at apee'sor jt $9.99. for li moments try new johnsos head-ttoe cleansing cloths
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>> stephen: annow an important moment about ourolitic conventis. ? >> good evening. m sam waterson. th is a monumentally important time in americtoryan hiswhich is w tonight we are here at the national hall of importance where we enshrine thmost important events in our nation's story,he signing of the declaration of independence, the moon landing, the first planking. thank r yoyofo service. look at the democratic and
in democracy.lebrate test but many forget their shocking darkide. the 2000 democratic national convtion in los angeles began as a peaceful affa ended tragedy wn ge, arving and delirious from non- stopampaigng, took the stage and attempd to eat his wifs face. truly, an inconvenient smooc and n fowhcaet the chicago 1968ocratic convention when mass panic erupted aft a kentucky delate knocked over a beehive, swarmthe streets with enraged bees. no matter how hard the police tried to knock the bees off theo help. of course, the 1publ924 rean convention was the first to be
technology incited mass hysteria when americans heard calvi coolidge's voice and assumed he was ghost trapped in their walls. it is inescapable chaos and uncertainty such as this that once made benjamin franklin remark, "if being president means going to a convention, i'd rather be struck by lightning. hang on-- thatives me idea" ( thunder ) from the national hall of imrtance, i in waterson. stephen? >> stephenthank u, sam.
>> swell, that's it for "the late show," everybody. good night! captioningponsored by cbs captioned by media accessroup at wgbh access.wgbh.org ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight come on baby ? let's gonna try to t some oh yeah ? it's the late, late sw >> reggie: lads and gentlemen, all the way from cronuksburg,