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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 26, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CDT

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the packers with thier starters playing... but still short a couple players. jordy nelson--no surprise, but letroy guion a surprise scratch. the packers defenisve tackle with some minor knee issues, so he's not playing tonight in san francisco. francisco.the packers tied to san francisco. the niners scoring on their second drive. aaron rodgers just throwing a touchdown pass to randall cobb. badgers quarterback bart houston is named after hall of famer bart starr, so starting at lambeau field will make things extra special. special.coach paul chryst making the decison yesterday,
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who has in-game experience, but hasn't started a game in his career. chryst said that experience a part of the decision to start houston. what a first game he'll have versus l-s-u september third at lambeau field. it makes it very special with this opportunity in fornt of our fans with this team so i'm excited to show what i've got. got. he's getting a better 3gr do. he's also understanding his strengths and weaknesses. matt garza in a bit of a bind in the third inning. he's talking it over.... has the bases loaded... loaded...including pirates outfielder andrew mccutchen who killed them last night with his three rbi.... but garza with a full ount and two outs able to get out of it. same situn for jordan mercer already up 1-0 in the
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slam. 5-0 lead for the pirates after a five run inning. orlando arcia with his first home run--a three run shot and that's your score. 5-3 in the ninth. 3 russ feingold: i'm russ feingold and i approve this message. narrator: listen to senator johnson on student loans: ron johnson: it's just
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y, necessarily understand finance. narrator: what senator johnson doesn't understand is, more than 800,000 wisconsinites have student loans. but he wants to eliminate federal student loans and keep interest rates high. johnson: it's just kinda free money... narrator: with senator johnson, opportunity for middle class kids would disappear. ron johnson's not for students. not for wisconsin. z23emz zvpz
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friend!the a-s-p-c-a says it can costs up to 875 dollars a year to take care of your pet.. the best way to cut costs is preventative care.. buy good quality food, use a doggie tooth bruch and get regular check-ups.we have a slideshow on cbs58.com -- of all of the pictures you've been sending us of your dog..look for that in the 'don't miss' section on our homepage. 3 3 department is celebrated national dog day too!they posted photos of their k-9 companions hard at work.in a facebook post, officers said they're proud of their k-9 teams who are capable of detecting drugs, firearms, and explosives. 3 today: sun and some fair weather clouds passing through on the day. less humid, but still feeling like summer with temps in the 70s. west wind turns onshore near the lake 5
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showers and storms are back saturday, especially early in the morning and later in the day and evening. highs will be inching back up toward 800 and it will feel more humid. by and sunshine will be e over increasing as highs top out around 800 with a west wind 5 to 10 mph.upcoming week: mild and a bit humid. chance of a storm or two, mainly tuesday and saturday. highs in the upper 70s and 80s. lows in the 60s to near 70.as of now, it looks warm through the labor day holiday with mid to upper 80s likely..
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>> if you're a twen you can expect to live longer than your nontwin counterparts and if you're an identical male twin you might live even >> stephen: i did not know that. well, well, well, seems you'll be stuck with me for quite a long time. >> stephen: and the same goes for our twin kitties. >> stephen: hey, guys. did they say anything about how long triplets live? >> stephen: yes. >> it's "the late show"" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes rachel weisz. kevin smith.
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featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) how are you? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks down here. that's a fantastic.
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you hear one. there's no-- you can't-- you cannot fake that. >> jon: right, yeah. >> stephen: you know that'sed from. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. your host this friday. folks, it's friday. ( applause ) ? it's friday it's friday oh ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song you're dancing to but i like it. i have a quick word of warning before we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was created in a factory that also processes peanuts. it's important to say in case anyone has an allergy. especially now, because mylan, the company thatroduces these epipens right here-- anybody use one of these? they have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100
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send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. now, mylan pharmaceuticals claims the price, "has changed over time to better reflect the value the product provides." ( laughter ) now, to be clear, that value is saving the lives of people who can't breathe. or as mylan likes to call them, "gasping, cash-filled meat sacks." ( laughter ) now all of hiking up of medicine, reminds a lot of people of a guy named martin shkreli, the pharma bro who jacked up the cost of h.i.v. drugs by 5,000%. can we put up a picture of skhreli? that was a close one. i'm severely allergic to douche.
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and when asked about mylan, shkreli certainly had something to shkrell about it. >> these are life-saving drugs. people don't have a choice whether they can buy them or not. >> yeah, well, that's up to insurance to pay for them. like i said, it's $300 a pen. $300. my iphone is $700, ok? >> but you don't need an iphone to exist. >> yeah, that doesn't matter though, because it's $300 and 90% of americans are insured. >> stephen: okay, i've got two problems with that: his total heartlessness, and her assertion that it is possible to exist without an iphone. so does she have a galaxy? i don't understand. well, after starting a firestorm, yesterday, mylan's c.e.o., heather bresch, came forward to address the criticism. >> heather, surely you must understand the outrage. the american medical association has said this is basically the same product it was in 2009, and yet the price has gone up 300- or 400-fold. >> so, look, no one's more
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( laughter ) >> stephen: she's frustrated! i mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away. and getting your breath back will cost you over 600 bucks. ( cheers and applause ) now, in other news-- in other news, the f.b.i. is investigating whether russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at the "new york times." or, as the "timeep "putin named world's sexiest leader." ( laughter ) oh, here's a new occupational hazard to worry about: if you play the bagpipes-- and who amongst us has not dabbled-- among us hasn't dabbled-- watch out that you don't get what doctors are calling "bagpipe lung." that's when the mold and fungi lurking inside your bagpipe trigger coughing, shortness of breath, and even fever. i mean physical fever, not bagpipe fever.
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this is according to an article in a medical journal called-- and this is true-- "thorax." i'm a subscriber. i keep it on my coffee table between the latest issue of "ant head" and "wasp abdomen." ( laughter ) bagpipe lung-- took a while for that to sing in, took a while. remember your eighth grade biology class? all right. footnotes for everybody. what's going on here, bagpipe lung can be tricky to diagnose. it's hard to distinguish a hacking cough from just a scottish accent. "och, let's go to loch lomond and eat some potted hough." ( cheers and applause ) so hasty with the... this week in other news-- yes, there is
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this week, mcdonald's recalled millions of fitness bands because they contain dangerous levels of irony. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's in the happy meal. in the happy meal. i'll wait. i'll wait. ( apause ) mcdonald's recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters-- which, technically, is the job of their apple pie filling. any there? me, too. well, a story just came out about napster billioire sean parker's "lord of the rings" themed wedding back in 2013. here's what happened. sir ian mckellen has revealed that he turned down $1.5 million
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gandalf doesn't do weddings." damn right! gandalf doesn't have time to marry you, sean parker! he is the servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of anor. he killed the mothertruckin' balrog, after chasing the ancient immortal demon through the tunnels of khazad dum until they climbed the peak of zirakzigil where he smote the demon's ruin on the mountain side. ( cheers and applause ) yeah! no, i'm mad! i'm angry now! and you know-- did you know, gandalf himself died and then rn gandalf the white. and wh so he can marry the napster guy?! no! napster hasn't been a thing since the earindel flew vingilot to valinor. if you invite gandalf to do the wedding-- besides, listen, if you invite gand afl, column's going to want to be the ring bearer and somebody's losing a
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now say hello to the fellowship of jon batiste and stay human. ? ? ? my, my. ( applause ) ( cheers ) fantastic. fantastic. i am so excited it's friday. jon, do you have any plans this weekend? >> jon: oh, wow, this weekend -- >> did you stump you? did i stump you i didn't realize we weren't done with the show yet. i'm in show mode. >> stephen: and show mode, you don't know what you're doing later? >> jon: show mode i don't know nothing. i just know bumper. then bump in. then guest. walk-on. bump-out. good night. go home. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a good description of the show.
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the weekend yet. >> stephen: that's what actually says in the little digital dpied on your cable. bump in, bump out, guest walks in, go home. >> jon: no, no, guest walks out, good night, go home. >> stephen: all right, i've got a lot to learn, evidently. you know, as the host of a talk show, i wield unlimited power. for instance, any time i want, i can remind you of the cool, refreshing taste of bud light. but you knowwh i would never do that. because that's an abuse of me power. weekend is starting soon. and yet there are those even even more powerful than i. history's most despotic leaders. people like genghis khan, kim jong il, and spike lee. oh, do not cross him, or he will sentence you to play for the knicks. these merciless tyrants have but two things in common, and one of
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( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) now that this hat is upon my head, i am endowed with unquestile this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness, and its furriness. any proclamations i make while thusly en-hattened are now and forever law. let us begin.
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henceforth, whenever i order a side of fruit with my omelette, the waitress shall accidentally bring me hashbrowns. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from this day on, actor paul rudd must begin aging like the restf us. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i hereby decree, anyone who says, "it is what it is," will be hit with it and not told what it was. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) anyone who brags about his or her standing desk shall be forced to use a standing toilet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i declare that any child who kicks the airplane seat in front of them may be used as a flotation device.
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let it be written that if a neighbor asks you to pick up their mail, you are allowed to open it first. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) by the way, grandpa batiste, thank you for the $25. ( laughter ) i'll be sure-- gets it. every fifth popsicle stick must have an adult joke. ha-ha. yeast infection. ( applause ) someone must finally explain why it's okay to bury somebody alive at the beach but wrong when you do it in the woods.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress you know from movies like "the constant gardener," "the mummy," and "the lobster." she now stars in the new movie, "complete unknown." please welcome, rachel weisz! >> hello! good evening. one kiss.
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>> stephen: just now i gave you one kiss or you gave me one is that because two wne kiss." option? >> i was told that if i was going to give you two, i should let you know in advance, but i didn't have time to. >> stephen: somebody backstage actually said warn him if you kiss him twice? >> yes, pause i'm such a good girl. i'm not going to screw things up on stephen colbert, i'm going to do one kiss. i thought if i gave two, it >> stephen: let's find out. oevment! >> two. >> stephen: that's three. that's three. ( cheers and applause ). >> three. you don't have any lipstick gld no lipstick. okay. the results are in. and it threw me off. because i'm a huge fan of yours. your performance in "the constant gardener" obviously you won the the oscar for that, but as i told your husband when he was here, daniel craig, it was
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nuanced performance i have ever seen. >> thank you, my goodness me, thank you so much. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. and now your new film is called, let me get this right, "complete unknown." >> yes. >> stephen: and you play's woman who actually has multiple identities. >> yes. >> stephen: who is the character and why is she doing this? >> she is an impostor. she has a pathological need to become people for many years. she will for five or six years chaner security number, her profession, fake diplomas, fake college degrees, and say, "'m a nurse and have these diplomas," and live in a new city, with a new name, with a new satorl look. >>tephen: ishe running from the police? why is she doing this? >> no, she's not. she's just pathologically unwell. ( laughter >> well, i mean, to point out the obvious, you're an actress, and you do that professionally. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: is there-- i mean-- >> i hear you. >> stephen: it's an obvious question obviously but is there anything your love of acting, inhabiting other people's personas that is pathological, you think? >> it's really-- i hear what you're saying-- but it's really different being an actor. yeah, because i go home every day to my family and my-- my real life. and when i've been on the stage or i've been on the set making a to make up lies, right? there's a contract. >> stephen: right, right. >> we're lie-making together. whereas this woman in the film is just to go it on her own. she's writing her own script. she's making her own movie s. >> stephen: and how many different identities do we see? >> nine. >> stephen: is this like "cybil" or something where there are different accents? >> my character does not have different accents, though.
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>> she's american. >> stephen: she's american. >> like me. yeah, she's american. >> stephen: are you american? >> no. >> stephen: i don't know, because sometimes people are born here and move over to england and get the speech impediment, but they come back-- ( laughter ) they can't break it. they can't break it. they can't break it. you said earlier that, like, i-- you said, "we were lying together agz actors," actors lying together. are you a good liar? >> i'm terb. >> stephen: that's what a good liar would say. >> you got me there is there did you lie as a child? did you make up stories and stuff like that? >> yeah, but in my head, on my own. i didn't, like, spread them. spread the lies. are you into lies. >> stephen: i loved it. i loved lying. >> did you. >> stephen: i loved the idea. i would lie to anybody on a plane. i would lie what my occupation is, what i do. >> what did you say? you can't do it anymore because you're very recognizable.
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>> stephen: it was a lot of fun? >> like what? >> stephen: if it was a young guy on the plane, "what do you do for a living?" "i run a security firm. we just do modeling shoots. we just make sure the young, beautiful models can get from place to place." and they're like, "that's the greatest job in the world!" "yeah, it's pretty cool. it's how i met my wife. how i met my wife, yeah." ( applause ) i said-- we have to take a littlere you can stick around? >> you aroused envy. >> stephen: i aroused envy? >> you aroused envy. >> stephen: i aroused envy? that's not all i aroused. we'll be rig back with more rachel weisz. and even polk-a-dots too! plus yes2you rewards members ea 1 point for every dollar spent. get a $5 reward for every 100 points! now that's the good stuff. kohl's. ?
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> after 15 years pretending to be someone else, i enfil trait his dinner with another name. >> stephen: we're back can
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and in the film, "complete unknown" that we were talking about before the break, also in the film is michael shannon who plays a man hois-- well, he's hip to your game. >> yeah, he knew me 15 years ago when i was somebody-- before i started reinventing myself. >> stephen: is the person he knew the real you? >> yes. >> stephen: wow. >> yes. and i show up at his dinner party, at his birthday party with another name. and i say, "hi, i'm jenny." and heik >> stephen: and he says the following. jim. >> you know they used to lock the building on sundays to make us stop practicing and get out of those tiny piano studios. i didn't know what to do with myself. i went across town, and i remember seeing the list of all the different departments you guys had. i mean, you could study anything. you looked at me so differently
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about-- >> i was impressed. i liked who you were. >> stephen: is he-- ( applause ) does he-- can he accept that you've done all this in the 15 years since you've seen him? >> yes. and he by the end of the night-- it all takes place in 24 hours, the main part of the movie-- he's kind of jealous, and he sort of toys with the-- he's jealous. he ceend of feels like this would be kind of a cool thing to do. >> stephen: because you can become anything you want. >> it starts by being crazy to him, and then it becomes appealing. >> stephen: again, like an actress. it seems a crazy thing to do, but then if someone is good at it, it's very attractive. >> thank you. ( applause ). >> stephen: you're also doing-- very attractive. you're going to be on broadway again? >> no, downtown new york at the public theater. >> stephen: oh, the public
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>> doing a play called "plenty." >> stephen: david hair. >> yes, and he wrote the screen play for "denial." >> stephen: "denial." that's very nice. you performed in the west end in london, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and you performed in america. what's the difference between the audiences? with the lights off, can you tell the audience-- the differences between the audiences? >> yes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: are you willing to share what the difference is. >> yes. ( laughter ) it's an audio thing. i mean, you lights off. number one, a very simple thing in america, when people have reached a certain kind of celebrity come on the stage -- >> such as yourself. >> possibly even in the middle of a scene, walk on, the audience claps. it's called troving. >> stephen: you come in and say, "i caught you cheating," or whatever. and the audience goes, "whoa! that's rachel weisz." >> you've seen plays on broadway.
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you're on broadway right now. >> in england that doesn't happen. >> stephen: they don't give it up for star? >> never, ever. >> stephen: they make you earn it every time. >> they make you wait until the end. >> stephen: we'll let you know if it's good at the end. which one do you prefer? >> i'm just more used to the british one because i lived there longer. and sometimes american audiences can be more vocal about how they're feeling about the play. ( laughter ) it's true. >> stephen: "you're doing a great >> yeah, or the the reverse. >> stephen: "you suck!" >> well, i did a play in 2002, i think it was, and it was uptown at the promenade theater. it was the first time i did a play here and i was playing a character who was not nice at all. and oftentimes, they would be-- you know, it sounded like more older ladies from uptown, from the upper west side. i would hear them say to their friends during the play, "oh, she's such a bitch." really. >> stephen: wow. hopefully you get the same with the public theater.
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finally. >> nice to meet you. rachel weisz, everybody. "complete unknown" is in theaters now. ? ? ?
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my next guest is a cult movie machine. films like "clerks," "mallrats," and "dogma" for over 20 years. please welcome kevin smith! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for the double hug. >> it was on both side.
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further, this is-- this is such a huge night for me because i-- this is going to sound weird-- but i wake up to you every morning. you're the first face i see when i wake up. ( cheers ) because my wife sleeps in so i wake up usually by myself. everyone sleeps in. so i wake up and get stoned. the first thing i do is watch the show from the night before. i'm like, "preach, preach." so every morning morning, i sit there and ceend of wake in bed with you. so i watch the show. i'm a religious fan of the show. this is, like-- i don't like doing talk shows because i hate sitting down. i love talking, obviously, but i hate doing talk shows because you have to sit down. i look like jabba the shut when i sit down. yeah, give me a pillow to put right over this. oh, sorry. ( laughter ) so i got two talk shows on
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i'm always standing. so i never like to do talk shows because i have to sit, and it's when i look my worst and i'm at my weakest. but i love the show so much i'm like, "i'm going. i don't care how fat i look." so i'm here. ( cheers ) but, but what was really weird-- ( laughter ) what was really weird is i've been watching the show backstage. response, when i see you on tv i'm like, "i gotta smoke weed." and i couldn't do it because we're here. so there's no point to that story. i was just saying. it's ceend of weird. but it's so weird. and i can share thing that happened with us backstage before it happened. let me tell you what happened real quick, man. this is huge. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is absolutely huge for me. i was backstage, and i was laying down. i was taking a nap before i came
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and he starts busting lines from-- this is where you get to talk-- he starts busting lines from "a man for all accepts," one of my favorite movies in the world. do what you do for me. >> stephen: when a man takes an oath he holds himself in his hands like so much water. and if he should home in his fingers in that moment he should lose all hope of ever finding himself again, some men are incapable of this. i am loathe to think that your father is one of them." >> oh, my god, if you like that e, pornography, man. ( cheers and applause ) yes! >> stephen: and then you said-- >> wasn't that good? he's such an actor. he's saying this, and i had the same reaction. i'm getting turgid. it was a huge moment for me. ( laughter ) so-- so i turned to him and-- i busted-- he busted a line so i busted a line. i was like, "richard, it
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his soul for the whole world but for whales." and we did it like that. >> stephen: well, you brought your phone out here. what'ss the deal? you brought your phone out here? >> i want to share a text with you i wrote with my kid. >> stephen: your film is called. >> oh, yeah, "yoga hosers." this movie i have coming out september 2, called "yoga hosers." also in theaters august 30. >> stephen: it's a comedy action? >> kind of. >> stephen: there's action in it. >> i likeo this. two girls fight monsters come up out of the earth. i like to say it's like "clueless "meets "gremlins." and people have seen the movie and they say hey, man, "gremlins" is good. it's like "clueless" meets critters. and some people are like critters is good. and then it's like "clueless "meets "puppet masters nine." >> stephen: your daughter is
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>> yes. >> stephen: and we have a clip here of your daughter and her friend getting in trouble. jim. >> like on this girls. no phones for the rest of the day! >> what! >> you can get them back at 2:45, after the last bell. >> our phones are who we are. if you take away my phone like some sort of pygmalion monaco, who am i going to be? >> i think i'm going to pass out. >> you is a no phone plan now, girls. unlimited looks to the world around you. and no roaming charges. so go roam without your phones. >> here i go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now is that your daughter on the right on the the left? the one that passed out. >> stephen: the one that passed out. is it hard to direct your daughter? did they listen? >> the the set is the only place where, you know, you can get away with being, "you have to do this or you're fired." i can't do that in real life. so it's easier to kind of get
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dictatorial. i don't direct, like-- most critics will tell you that's true. i don't-- i don't direct like most people do. like here's the the feeling. it's nuanced. i'm a monitor director. so we shoot something and i say, "come over here and see haw did," and i show them the playback. no actor is going to do better if i say, "here, you can do this, or this." an act or orac reswant to look better than anybody else world. you show them their take, they'll figure out where they went wrong and go back in. i did that with her same way as with everyone else. >> stephen: you're 46-year-old man, right? >> i dress like a 12-year-old but i'm a 46-year-old man. >> stephen: is it hard to capture the way teenagers talk now as opposed to when you grew up? >> no, because i had the girls right there which made it also-- like i couldn't direct them to act like teenagers. they were teenagers when we made the movie -- >> what text did your daughter send you?
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>> stephen: i just want to make sure you get to it. >> it's a good story. we write back and forth all the time. my texting friend and stuff. this is a text exchange we have. i go on the road a lot. >> stephen: she's going to be cool with you sharing this? >> i hope so. she made it through "yoga hosers." so she'll make it through this. i tour a lot, i was away for three days and my kid texted me and said, "where is in the world are you, father." and i said, "atlanta, georgia" and it was 4/20, that date, national holiday for those of us green. i said, other i'm in atlanta, georgia." and she writes, "on 4/20? what if cnn catches you smoking." evidence impressed that a girl in private school knew that atlanta was cnn headquarters. i was like that private school is paying off. she said, when do you come home? i said saturday after the austins show. she said, "do you want to go to
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they opened one, and i said we've already seen it. you know what it's like. and she said, "you don't believe in magic," and storms away. she was bugging me about going and stuff, i tried to take the logical approach. i said, "isn't it going to be crowded on a sunday?" and this when things get weird. "we can just buy front of the line passes, lest you think that's the way we roll in our house, that's not the thing at all. she must have heard her mom call me that. >> stephen: true, true? >> yeah, my wife once called me-- we were fooling around-- it was a sex thing. and it was kind of like the wand chase the wizard sort of thing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, so-- but-- but, but there
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there's no way on earth the kid knows that context. so i don't want to freak her out and send her to a therapist and stuff. so i say, "hey, kiddo, you're not allowed to call me that. only your mom calls me that." and she doesn't understand at all. instead she goes, "oh, mr. thin-skinned dumb bell dick bothered by his nickname." at this point i'm like, the gloves are off, man. i write bac your mom calls me dumb bell dick." and she don't even see it coming, man, which makes me rethink that private school education. so she wrote, "because you're the head of hog warts? ha-ha-ha." and i write back, "no, kid, it's a filthy sex thing, ha-ha-ha." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and she writes back, "oh, my god.
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and she said, "i just threw up in my mouth a little." >> stephen: that's a very sweet story. >> thas my kid. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> you're awesome. >> stephen: "yoga hosers" opens next friday. kevin smith, everybody. we'll be right back. before taking his team to state for the first time... gilman: go get it, marcus. go get it. ...coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america
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the batting cages. ? [ crowd cheers ] 2% back at grocery stores and now at wholesale clubs. and 3% back on gas. which helped him give his players something extra. the cash rewards credit card from bank of america. more cash back for the things you buy most. hey, need fast heartburn relief? the cash rewards credit card from bank of america. try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. try cool mint zantac. no pill relieves heartburn faster. ? and they're off! well, that took a turn. what's the speed limit in here? dad!
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( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) my next guest was a writer and producer on some shows you might know called "seinfeld" and "the late show with david letterman." now, he hosts "car matchmaker" on the esquire network. se ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: come on up. >> so excited. >> stephen: all right. >> to be here. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see you. do you remember the last time we saw each other? >> stephen: the last time you and i saw each other was--

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