tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 14, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
>> jimmy: thanks, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks to you all for coming. i'm just guessing here. based on the fact that you're here i guess none of you won the powerball last night either? they say -- how many of you did not play? they say you can't win if you don't play. i didn't play either. you didn't win, right? yeah. they were right. there were three winning powerball tickets. one of the winners is from here in l.a., one from tennessee, the other lives in florida. just what florida needs, another retiree. the winning l.a. ticket was sold at a 7-eleven in chino hills, about 45 minutes from here without traffic. with traffic it's a nine-hour drive.
they're saying this could be the thing that puts chino hills on the map. let's take a look, let's find nope, nope. still can't find it. i think the worst thing that the lottery does to the winner is they publicly reveal who they are. in most of the states they do not allow the lottery winner to be anonymous, which means one night you go to bed a normal person, the next morning you wake up, you're edward snowden, everyone is chasing you. the $1.568 billion jackpot, which is a record, will be split three ways. one winner gets the jackpot on monday and wednesday, another gets it tuesday and thursday, winner number three has the jackpot on weekends. i think friday the money goes to oprah or something. you break it down, each of the three winners will receive $529 million.
exciting. i kind of wish only one person had won the whole thing so we could have had somebody rich enough to become a real james bond villain. but it's nice to split it up. last night the powerball numbers were revealed. this morning the nominations for the academy awards came out. "the revenant" got the most nominations, 12 nominations. as you can see, hugely popular film based on your response. [ laughter ] i don't know, i guess nobody saw most of these movies. i'm not leonardo dicaprio. i don't care. but "mad max: fury road" was next with 10 nominations. here were your nominees for best actor. >> for performance by an actor in a leading role the nominees are -- bryan cranston in leonardo dicaprio in "the revenant." jobs." eddie redmayne in "the danish
matt damon in "the martian." >> jimmy: i have to say -- all jokes aside it's so stupid that he got nominated. like, really? i mean, how much longer are we going to go on with this? how much longer are we going to go on with this? eight films are nominated for best picture. if you ask me the best picture of the year, hands down, was this. this is the best picture of the year. [ cheers and applause ] at least get something for best costume design. as always notable slubs -- not slubs, snubs. there were slubs too. ridley scott, michael keaton, and everyone in hollywood who isn't liked were snubbed this year. all the acting nominees are white for the second year in a row. the academy awards soar white they're being held in the organic fruit aisle at trader
got one nomination and it went to the two white people who wrote the screenplay. not a joke. so congratulations to all the nominees on their powerful caucasian performances. you know it's bad when there are more black people in the running for the republican nomination for president than for the academy awards. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] while we're on that topic, from charleston, south carolina, the first republican debate of the new year, they whittled the group of debaters down to seven now. they're donald trump, ted cruz, marco rubio, ben carson, chris christie, jeb bush, and john kasich. which i don't know how john kasich made it. he doesn't have enough support to get voted prom king but somehow he made the main debate. the big issue, seems like the only issue they talk about, is terrorism. in spite of the fact that you -- i don't know if you knew, you are statistically more likely to be killed by your own furniture
we should be talking about build a wall unit to keep it out, you know? donald trump had a rally in pensacola, florida, yesterday where the crowd was treated to an almost performance from a group of very patriotic young ladies. apologiesan't handle this where freedom rings answer the call on your feet stand up tall ulders usa enemies of freedom face the music come on boys take 'em down knows how to make america great deal from strength.
>> jimmy: no more!nd applause ] that would be a great super bowl halftime show, you know? the name of the group is the usads. according to their website, which i did i do on today, their mission is to perform songs that melt your heart and lift your spirits.complished, children. so then trump got out there. and somehow managed to make some new friend in the crowd. >> so you have a president who's. good, i love that. except less has been done for african-americans than anybody. they're having one of the worst times they've ever had.african-american youth -- [ cheers and applause ] see? oh, you're going to love me. you're going tok you, man. think that's great. is that great? huh?
he's just become a star. he's a big e really going to do it. thank you, man. that's cool. that's very cool. and by the way, i didn't put him there and i'm not paying him and i never saw him before.y. hey, there, right here.] >> jimmy: who doesn't love a good game of "find the black person"? [ laughter ] and he's the best at it, he really is the best. you see a lot of different methods people use to smuggle drug into the country. this is one i've not seen before. in texas border patrolmost 2,500 pounds of marijuana that was disguised as carrots. they made fake carrots. creative.as carrots
marijuana. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: imagine making a carrot cake with top. these are the trucks that carried the carrots. obviously the work of the no bunny. [ drumroll ] [ cheers and applause ]'t know, sometimes it's hard to resist, you know? the value of the marijuana was estimated at $500,000, which my god, do you realizeu could buy with $500,000? half a million dollars' worth. so they had 2,500 pounds of pot off the market. sorry, gang.g to suck this year. in other marijuana news -- >> a message to x-box 1, microsoft, who the [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ], whack, man. y'all going to make me playstation if y'all don't get this [ bleep ] fixed.
online, what the [ bleep ] you doing, bill gates? [ bleep ],ates, come on. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: enough with the malaria cure, snoop dogg's x box is broken!r the winner of the winning tickets, one sold at a 7-eleven in chino hills. as soon as word spread the ticket was sold there the 7-eleven was and the media. >> chino hills, chino hills, chino hills! >> it's kind of like thetmas all rolled into one. it's beyond words. >> crazy busy. wehim. maybe a customer or someone. i'm very happy for chino hills.ls weird to see people happy in a 7-eleven, doesn't it?
the winning ticket, is like a celebrity. people are asking him for he's on all our news channels. he's tadding by. when we come back we're going to meet him. [ cheers and applause ]ht back! [ cheers and applause ] (music) i' ll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. y) but days like this, i' ll never forget. get out there, in the 2016 ford escape. be unstoppable. fight song take back my life song (music) all the hard work... time in the service...ege... it matters. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work
as credits toward your degree.oenix.edu. this is a cell tower from one of those major carriers. straight talk wireless uses the same cell towers they do. but we don't build or maintain them.fer you the same great, nationwide coverage for half the cost! out here... ...and here... and here. well, not here. the world needs more straight talk. best phones. best networks. half the cost. get a samsung galaxy grand prime or bring your own phone.xt and data is just $45 a month. straight talk wireless. chnology with up to 27% more brush movements versus oral b. get healthier gums in 2 weeks guaranteed. philips sonicare save when you buy
america, our big cisco say hello to musaffar faraqui! [ cheers and applause ] should ask, did i pronounce your name correctly? >> muzaffar faroqui -- jimmy: i said did i pronounce your name correctly? i did? do you have a nickname or anything? what do people call you?mf. >> jimmy: mf, that's easy. [ cheers and applause ] do you know what mf usually stands for? "my friend." hi, everybody. look at all those people there in the 7-eleven. what are they doing there?
>> hello! mf, what are the people -- hi, everybody -- why are they all in the store right now? they're still excited about the win? yeah.mf, can you hear me? >> mf. >> jimmy: okay. all right. we've not got past the mf part of the this the first time you sold a winning ticket? >> yes. >> jimmy: this is, yes. and the owner of the store gets $1 million, right?. >> jimmy: you think so. so you are not the owner of the store? oh, is that the owner?m here. >> jimmy: how are you doing? you will get a million dollars,
>> gets it. >> jimmy: you will give half to mf, is that correct? >> ha ha ha! let's talk something else.nk you're going to get m f'd is what's going to happen there. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] did you guys know what was >> i love your show. >> jimmy: thank you. when people started showing up at the store were you confused as to why they were coming? >> yes. and is it true that people have been asking you, mf, for autographs? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you been signing them? yes? do you know that you're a sex symbol now, there are women all over the world that want to make love to you? [ cheers and applause ]
is this the greatest week of your lives right now? this has got to be very thrilling, yes? >> yes, sir.er thing i want to ask, how long do you let the hot dogs roll around on that heater thing before you throw them out?ike a half hour. >> jimmy: a half hour, really. i would have guessed a month. all right, guys. we appreciate it. i know you've got a lot ofng behind you right now. there's a guy stealing a banana! thank you, guys. i hope you get a lot of big pieces of money. thank you for joining us. all right.nd applause ] >> jimmy: all right, one more thing. good old mf. it's thursday night.
named him mf him. thursday night we bleep and blur the tv moments of the week whether they need it or not, it is time for "this week in unnecessary censorship,"s three weeks now until iowa. and as the [ bleep ] grow shorter the [ bleep ] grow tighter. >> rick, steve, you for [ bleep ]ing me constantly. >> president obama delivered his final state of the union address and urged americans to build a big [ bleep ] nation. >> we built this space program almost overnight later we [ bleep ] on the moon. >> he told nikki haley, put a [ bleep ] on the corner of your mouth, that will keep s you won't have cotton mouth. >> they are the big [ bleep ], brad pitt, didi gardner, jerry kliner s like to [ bleep ] guys that are seniors. >> the first four teams to make
the man of the house i have to take responsibility. i have to take a [ bleep ] in the ass. >> two guise. [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> if you've ever had aow you will [ bleep ] your sibling from time to time. >> i never [ bleep ]ed my sister. >> the results you get today will help you [ bleep ] that big [ bleep ]. >> i hard. and i intend to keep [ bleep ]ing as hard as i can. until the last [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ] expresses an opinion. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on the show we have music from charlie puth, ariana grande is here. be right back with leslie mann, stick around!eers and applause ] why blend in with the crowd? the
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, a music star of grande proportions ariana grande is e's nominated for three grammy awards this is his album it comes out january 29th. it's called "nine track mind." charlie puth from the samsung outdoor stage.use ] this by the way, you know what a contract rider is? a contract rider for those who don't know is a list of things,t musicians have them, of items they want to have ready in their dressing rooms when they get to a venue. his is pretty normal. it's hot water, tea, stringse.
the items. the thing that caught my eye and caught our eye this afternoon is, one medium-sized dog., bowl, and treats. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let's go to charlie and hise? is that the real coffee mug? >> this is the real coffee mug. [ cheers and applause ] hello, hi.he dog that we rustled up for you? >> yes, i got my real coffee mug, and here's henry the bulldog. hop on up here. [ crowd: aww: is he satisfactory? >> yes, he's very plump. he's 4, i found out. he has an overbite. here's a pretzel dog toy. >> jimmy: hee guys who works on the show. so you cannot keep him. i don't know if that was one of the things. >> oh. well -- no. i try.nly show that's ever gotten me my rider dog.
because, you know. what the hell. >> jimmy: yeah, why easy. a rider dog is going the extra mile, so you go the extra im to please. we'll see charlie later on. next week on the show sir elton john will be with us., zac efron, casey affleck, whitney cummings, aubrey plaza, vanessa hudgens, lauren cohan and ben harper and the innocent criminals. guest tonight, they're all going to want dogs now, is a very funny woman whom you know from "this is 40", "the 40 movies with the word 40 in them. you can see her star alongside dakota johnson, rebel wilson and alison brie in the new comedy "how to be single" it opens in theaters february 12th.mann.
>> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? i have a little thing when i sit. >> jimmy: you look great, you look have a contract rider? did you ask for anything? >> that's crazy, i didn't know you were allowed to do that. >> jimmy: you are. you probably could have got a -- next time i'll ask. >> jimmy: next time ask, for anything you want, a monkey maybe even would be fun. you were very sick the last time you were here. >> i was really to do in this chair. it's a strange size. >> jimmy: it's very uncomfortable. >> it's a little thing here that i was >> jimmy: it does look like you're excited to see me. wow. with it? i'm trying to cover it. well, let's just leave it there. >> jimmy: yeah. i have scissors.
want.t down. >> jimmy: okay, good, yeah. [ laughter ] that's what i do. [ cheers and applause ] >> tuck under. >> jimmy: they should make special talk show guest apparel. >> i know. >> jimmy: which really suits you wh thing. >> okay. >> jimmy: okay. >> yes, i was super sick. i was sick three years ago. >> jimmy: you were a reale that night. >> i had a blast. because i was high on the cold medicine. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> yeah, i was having fun. >> jimmy: you don't go thehen it comes to that sort of thing? >> nope, not -- no, i needed the hard stuff. although since then isome homeopathic stuff. like i heard that it is -- i've
my brother told me that if youittle piece of an edible -- medical marijuana -- >> jimmy: oh. [ cheers and applause ]ur public. >> how sweet. and so -- and so i went and got the card and went to the medical. and on the way in the guy asked me if -- that i should get the chewbacca. do you ever? >> jimmy: i would neverway. you know that. please. how dare you. >> have you tried the chewbacca? >> jimmy: what? >> have you heard of it?ou get hair stuck in your throat. i've not heard of it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> apparently it's really good. but i didn't do that. >> jimmy: youn't get that. >> jimmy: how can you resist the chewbacca? >> i was scared. >> jimmy: get a little r2d2 and you're all right.
with -- >> jimmy: pomegranate juice? >> it's healthy, has d the directions say to take a teaspoon. it's line a little jar. i took an eighth of a teaspoon because i thought i just want to be safe, i haven't done this >> jimmy: good idea. >> so i took an eighth of a teaspoon and fell asleep. i woke up an hour later. and so -- it was dark and i was trying to find the teaspoond it. so i just took a sip of it. what i thought would be maybe a quarter of a teaspoon. come close to a teaspoon but not quite a teaspoon. [ laughter ] and then i sipped it and i thought, but that probably wasn't even a quarter. sip. and then i fell asleep, woke up again. and i was like, what? things were getting fuzzy. i was like, did i -- have i -- have itwo times?
maybe -- i couldn't remember. >> jimmy: that's what happens. >> onee thing? so i'm just -- i took another big sip. because i thought, this isn't working at all. next thinghours later. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> i slept great. and the whole bottle was like -- it was a teeny bit left in the>> jimmy: oh, no. >> it really works. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sounds like it works. >> it works. >> jimmy: do you keep usingo sleep? >> so -- yes. it's helpful. and if i -- you know. sometimes i like to sleep during the day. like naps. so i'll during the day. or if i have to go to sleep later in the night, i'll take it like before i go to a concert atmy: i see. >> because i have to sleep later in the night.
>> jimmy: you must be fun at ptaght, we're going to take a quick break. when we come back we'll talk about your new movie. leslie mann is with us, everybody, we'll be right back!lause ] to those caked in flour... coated in dust...lava. to those who are up all night... and up all night.ul mess makers. keep it up... with delta touch2o technology, you can. see what delta can do. some flavors are so good, you get hungry just thinking about 'em. and at red lobster's big festival of flavors you can savor 2 of 7 new and classic creations on one plate for $15.99. new maple-and-bacon grilled shrimp, because c'mon, what doesn't bacon go with? or get a little kick with these new led shrimp.
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not ever, never! >> all right, tle meats make up a whole big meat? >> i don't know. maybe four? >> i've had seven. >> eight, i meant eight. >> is it four or is it s eight or more, everyone knows that. >> who told you that? >> the slider guy. please blinkthere. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how long single before you and judd apatow, your husband the director, did you have a lot of time on the market? >> i was single -- we got23. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> not that long. but i got -- i covered a lot of ground during that time. ctually --
but i -- so i wasn't like would make out with a lot of people but i boent wouldn't do -- i would, you know -- you know, if i really liked someone i would -- i whave -- well, a couple of times -- have sex, but never go all wait. >> jimmy: oh, all right.>> jimmy: which is? what? >> all the way. meaning -- which is anal. [ laughter ] [ drumroll ]immy: that is all the way. i wonder if we'll have to bleep that, i don't even o bleep anal? >> jimmy: if so it will happen twice. you just missed something at home, if that was bleeped, i don't know.- you know. i had fun. and i dated a bunch of actors. which is not that fun. >> jimmy: no good?
>> and i was very excited to meet judd because he's a writer. >> jimmy: right. >> and he, you know, noticed that i was there. so that was jimmy: although now judd himself, he's doing a lot of standup comedy. >> right. >> jimmy: he's really put himself forward. >> yes. >> jimmy: you know, and that -- now in a way you are married to an >> yes. he actually -- we've been together for almost 20 years now. and he sat me down -- [ cheers and applause ] about six months said, i want to become a performer/actor. seriously. >> jimmy: he actually announced this to you? >> heh the slash in there? >> and then he said -- no, he didn't say slash. i said, you knownightmare.
know this about me like, what do you mean you want to become an actor? he's like, i always wanted to become an actor! you should have known that about supportive? i was like, i didn't even know! so, you know, very into how he looks. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> and before he didn't seem to care much. which i>> jimmy: wow. >> he's into like -- he has a nutritionist. he's a gym rat. and spends a lot of time with his trainer. >> jimmy: i didn't know he was up toyeah, and he's very proud of how his body has changed. although i -- >> jimmy: is it working? >> i don't know. i mean, he seems to feel better. >> jimmy: he does.ee much of a -- i mean, he does -- he looks -- >> jimmy: he looks good? >> yeah? >> jimmy: yeah? >> i have photos if you'd like to see. >> jimmy: you, do all right, yeah.
>> okay, so that'sght. okay. >> and that's after. >> jimmy: he does look very good.d how much alike we look until just now. >> my daughter was saying that. she's like, jimmy looks like a lumberjack, no, he lookske dad! >> jimmy: yeah, yes, you should see me in my underpants. well, it's great to see you. the movie is called "how to be begin yell." it opens february 12th. leslie we'll be right back with ariana
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[ scanner beeping ] could you step aside? "sir"? come on. you know who i am. rance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] would pack his own bags, right? [ chuckles ] so, do i have the right to remain handsome? wait.
you wearing your own cosmetics? >> i am. >> jimmy: it looks good. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i would never think -- i'm bad at making decisions when it comes to what colors to wear. and that sort of thing. i would never -- look good. you put such a dark, almost blood-purple color on your lips. >> yeah. >> jimmy: with a bright red suit. >> it's a lot but i think it's jimmy: it's fabulous. >> thank you. you have your own there. >> jimmy: i do, yeah. what is the difference between lip gloss and lipstick? >> well,ick. >> jimmy: ah. this is more of a gloss? >> yeah, it's a gloss. >> jimmy: that makes sense. go. do they have flavors or anything like that? >> that one smells really good. >> jimmy: do you eat it? >> i wouldn't. mac cosmetics good. >> jimmy: the reason we're
proceeds go to mac aids benefit -- >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ]immy: you have such a huge following on twitter. how many fans do you have on >> i don't -- >> jimmy: that's how many, you don't you the names of all my followers. followers? >> something like that. >> jimmy: they seem to be right -- first of all, they have a name, which isment for a celebrity, when your fans organize and give themselves a name. >> arianators. >> jimmy: it's a e themselves that. i originally was calling them the ariana army, then tiny elephants. i don't know how that came while. yeah, that's them, they're amazing. >> jimmy: ariana army was better. something you'd buy at auto zone. >> yeah. preoccupied now. >> very busy. album
this is happening. >> there's some controversy >> yes. yeah, you know, a really long time ago i was convinced that it was going to be called of my favorite songs we did for the album. and now as we're wrapping things up, of course i've sort of been writing and singing and we're at "moonlight." >> well, i don't know. i think maybe. maybe they just liked it because i liked it, i don't know. they might be not telling me theknow. but now there's this other song that has sort of thrown me for a while wind and i love it so much. it's just sort of changed -- >> jimmy: which song is that? if you get mad of at you? >> i don't know if i want to share it yet. because -- they haven't heard any of it. >> jimmy: i see. >> "moonlight," i letittle bit of it. the thing with the other song is they haven't heard it. >> jimmy: sounds like you have to be careful. sound like you're living in fear of these people. >> no, no.
>> jimmy: i see, all right. >> i do have to be a little careful. >> jimmy: you do have to be a little careful. what happens when they actually meet you? do they lose their minds? >> three things either come in very confidently and know what they want, know what poses they want for pictures, they know what they want. they're like, yes, girl! they come in with energy.n crying and can't say much. or they're the ones that are really quiet and their parents are forcing them to be there. you wanted this! you like her! do it! forcing them. >> jimmy: that's the worst one, right? >> yeah. yeah. i'm like, it's okay, they don't haveoing to be weird, all of a sudden there you are for real. i can understand. have you done that with anyone, anyone you've had that experience with? >> yes. my all-time favorite artist is n love with her, she's incredible, she's a genius, i've loved her forever.
that was like, imogen heard ariana has a concert in the like to have her over for dinner. and i was like, oh my god, this is not real. and i was on my way to her house. it was a really long, long, long drive. and illy i thought i was being catfished. >> jimmy: why? >> i thought it really wasn't going to happen. >> jimmy: oh. >> i was like, she doesn't want to have dinner, this is a joke,o my death right now, i'm about to be murdered. and it ended up being her. and it was a pleasant surprise. >> jimmy: that is a good ending to the story, yeah. >> it was great. jimmy: what did she make for you? did she cook or did someone else cook? >> it was really nice. i forget what the meal was. the whole night was a blur. i was really shocked the whole said anything. >> jimmy: you didn't drive home thinking, i should have mentioned this, i should have told her how much i like this? >> i was convinced that i had died and that was like a dream. >> jimmy: and that was theyou, yeah. okay, so you're working on this album right now. you have all these crazy people
are you enjoying yourself? >> i jimmy: you are. do you get to go on vacation, relax? >> i got to -- no.it. i'm a workaholic, i get that from my mom and grandma. >> jimmy: your grandmother's become a celebrity because of count. is she aware people know who she is? it. she kind of pretends to not like it but loves it. >> she loves it. her? raton, florida. they're like, nona! she's like, who the hell are you?he italian? >> clearly, yes. >> jimmy: that's funny. >> she loves when i talk about her on shows. she'll be like, i sawin, thank you. she's very popular. >> jimmy: does she like the imitation that you do of her?
i don't think it's possibleithout doing the accent. >> jimmy: right, you go right into it. do you give her the makeup? >> i don't think this is her color. she likes the glogs. >> jimmy: she likes the gloss. nona likes the very good to see you. [ cheers and applause ] it's great you're working with mac. ariana grande, max viva glams the mac aids fund is available online now and in stores next week. we will return with music from charlie puth. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel