tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 9, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
[ cheers and applause ] u very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i hope you're ready to party. i really do. hey, you know, tonight is it's a big night of celebration. mardi means tuesday in french. gras means fat. it is fat tuesdayght now. everybody is drunk. even the babies. nobody gets a pass on mardi gras. it's an interesting day in america today because we're voting for candidates for president in one state and flashing our nipples in another state. ] in new hampshire today the first official primary of the election season, and they had a bit of fat tuesday action themselves.
it made its way to a polling location. a school in pelham, new k the police about an hour to round the pig up. [ laughter ] this officer appeared to be doing some kind of a square dance with the animal.g your partner do-si-do. they got in touch with the owner. watch this pig tormenting the police. r came, stuffed it in the back seat of his kia sorrento and the pig is safe back home on his farm. and month, the pig did not wind up at the polling place because he was being chased by chris rumor. and shame on you guys for even thinking that was true. [ laughter ] this is the -- this is the 10th -- the 100th annampshire primary. they've been doing this, this primary in new hampshire since bernie sanders was 5 years old, if you can imagine that.ie sanders and donald trump were the winners tonight. i don't know. i think people are confused.
because chris christie is fat and bernie sanders is old, [ laughter ] oh, okay, you -- i wasn't clear. anyway. bernie is very popular in new hampshire. hillary clinton today spent the whole day quietly words life expectancy for old man in snowy weather. [ laughter ] there was quite a bit of snow in new hampshire. but the candidates, they didn't let that get them down. jeb bush and john kasich had jeb throwing snowballs. here's kasich throwing snowballs. those snowballs, they're throwing, those are the onese a chance in hell in this election. [ laughter ] jeb pulled out the big gun. he had his mother barbara out campaigning for him this week. they did a bunch of interviews really was funny to see. jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom, it looked like a parent-teacher conference. jeb's brother george is pitching in too. george bush narrated an ad that ran during the super bowl in new hampshire and south carolina where he made a strong case fbe on team
>> america needs help. parents can't put food on their families, and our learning. i know jeb. i know his good heart. it's inside his body. next to other things like his h is where his snacks go. i know that. and i know that experience and judgment count in the oval office, which is the room whereorks at his desk. that's where my little brother would work if he were president. which don't bet on it but don't misunderestimate jeb either. he's got a cute little wife, and he's a good little guy.nows how to open doors for america. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: nice. you know, bernie sanders may be the old man in this race, but from an energy standpoint he'sof his supporters
a guy passed out in front of him at a rally in concord on wednesday. and yesterday at a rally in derry a woman went down for the count. issue may be, what i will tell you is there is one issue out there -- >> jimmy: that was quite a reaction. almost krameresque. let's look at that again. >> one issue out there --e a mad scientist. [ laughter ] at least we know he's cool in time of crisis. [ laughter ] let's watch that one more time but in slow motion and this timee. here he comes. scooby doo saw a ghost. [ applause ] meanwhile, kanye west is not
at this point he might as well because, well, last night on twitter kanye announced that he's changing the title of his forthcoming album for the third announced it was called "so help me god." then he changed it to "switch." then he changed it from "swish to "waves."nged it again. kanye changes the name of his albums as often as diddy changes the name of his name. [ laughter ] last night he tweeted this. new album, anybody who can figure out the title gets ticket to season 3 and free yeezies, which are his shoes. and this is the mysterious acronym. at studio final versus newe t period l period o period p. sought so the initials are t.l.o.p. e out what that stands for and if we do we'll win. out. can i get a drum roll here? [ drum roll ] yes, thank you.
obviously poops.] thank you. size 11. by the way, kanye also tweeted this about an hour ago. bill cosby innocent. h to me is a terrible name for an album. it is. valentine's day is on sunday. that means the price of roses is about to go way up. valentine's day is the only holidayuddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're okay with it. it would be like if on easter they charged $20 an egg.e buy them anyway. the florida retail federation says this year consumers will spend an average of $147 on flowers, chocolate, jewelry and stuff. and that's in florida. so you can imagine how much they'll spend in normal states.ore. [ laughter ] this is interesting. somebody did a study about the sex lives of married people. they concluded that the happiest couples have sex an average of
which it seems a right? so i thought it would be fun to ask some couples here wandering around on hollywood boulevard how, you know -- what their number is. well, let's go outside to my cousin sal now.nd i -- my cousin sal. >> how are you doing in ? >> jimmy: we have a friend who've been married more than ten years. he claims he and his wife how often did he say, sam? >> dan sanborn? >> jimmy: yeah. >> he said four times a week. >> jimmy: four timesmes a month, which i think you should go to prison for that, right? [ laughter ] >> i don't believe him. he's already got six kids and he's balding worse than i am. >> jimmy: well, again, mention his name. you already did. anyway, let's bring in our first couple. this couple has no idea what i'm goint been asked to stop and answer a question. okay. where are they? okay. there we are. hi. what's your name? >> hi. karen usband rob.
your name? >> rob. >> jimmy: where are you from in. >> owensboro, kentucky. u on vacation? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you been robbed yet? >> hopefully not. >> jimmy: hopefully not. okay. good. yes. how long have you been together? may i ask? >> we've been married 15 years. we dated -- we school sweethearts. so dated five years before that. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] so you guys areck of each other's bodies, yes? [ laughter ] i'm going to ask you a question. don't answer it aloud. i want you to write the answer g goif you a paper. let's put new position sow can't see each other's answers. don't reveal your answer until i ask you to, okay? all right. the question is how many times per month on average sex? all right? just go ahead and write it down. too much. just -- okay.
so karen's writing -- looks like three digits, karen is writing. [ laughter ]ou up to? karen, are you drawing a diagram of how you do it? what's going on there? [ laug're going to start with rob. rob, show us your number. rob says five. all right. and karen says -- all right. thank you. guys, cousin sal has a lovely gift for you. cousin sal, what do you have? >> yes. i have undies for two. so >> jimmy: that's nice. you can wear those on the plane home. nice to meet you guys. let's bring in one more couple and see what's going on. now, this couple has not been listening in. they don't know.- oh, you don't have headphones are. so you literally can't hear me now. okay. be very careful. what's your name? >>my: hi, theresa. >> fine, and you? >> jimmy: and is this your husband? >> it better be. david. [ laughter ]
now, did you guyshe same shirt today or was that an accident? >> accident. >> jimmy: an accident. wow. how about that? you wound up on tv. [ laughter ] have you been married? >> seven years. >> jimmy: seven years. and it's been good, i assume? you're still vacationing together. >> yes. >> jimmy: where are you from? >>immy: cincinnati, ohio. hence the red, i guess. okay. i'm going to ask you a question. we're going to put you in a position where you can't see each other'sside of that wall. don't answer it aloud. i'd just like you to write the answer down. be honest. and the question is how many times per month on averageve sex? okay? [ laughter ] theresa is writing her number. david is writing all right. theresa's now changing her number. [ laughter ] theresa, i meant with david,
[ laughter ]. oh, they're look at your number with envy. all right. theresa, show us your number. your number is? five. what was the a drawing of the planet? [ laughter ] >> she had a zero originally. >> jimmy: oh, really? and david, your number is? >> boy. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's okay. >> jimmy: i have very bad news. [ laughter ] wait a minute. one of you can't count is what'shere. [ laughter ] that's quite a discrepancy. david, are you counting your alone time here or what? [ laughter ] >> could be. >> jimmy: it might be. all right.ave a gift for you. >> condoms for you. here's a couple. >> jimmy: condoms, yes. and?
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. there you go. thanks for playing. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have something very special. our old pal jake byrd popped up at a donald trump rallyire last night. now, if europe not familiar with jake byrd, he is the guy you will see behind donald trump in this clip. >> by the way, can you see in tht view. can you see it's really my hair? >> yeah! yeah! >> jimmy: all right. so when we come back, jake byrd storm. so stick around. we'll be right back. e has to be a way. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! e name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save an average of over $500 i mean
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nothing but thieves is on the way. applause ] first the eyes of the nation were on new hampshire today because of the primary election. they had a caucus in iowa, a primary in new hampshire, and then they'll move on i guess to where people live next. it is a big deal for the candidates. even though the winner in new hampshire doesn't necessarily go on to win the who won the new hampshire primary last time around? what's his name? from -- mike "the situation" fromhter ] but all the candidates are there. their boots are on the ground. and so is our pal jake byrd, who's a very passionate donald trump supporter. jake spreads everywhere he goes. maybe you recall seeing him back in september at the trump rally in dallas. >> trump! trump! trump! trump!orget. i love this these people back here. >> and we love you! we love you! we love you, donald j.!lause ]
it's a beautiful thing. yesterday jake braved the elements to file this special report from a donald trump rally on the eve of the primaries in manchester, 3w4r >> i think trump is the per washington and actually get things done. he'll hire good people to be in good positions then hold them positions. >> he's going to get us jobs. he's going to get america working again. i'm going to get hired back no matter how many times i assault a customer.donald trump says i do. >> and my -- >> i love your old-fashioned root beer. [ laughter ] >> i don't sell root beer. but that's fine. >> ars isn't really a country, is it? >> this guy told me a great joke. he said hey, bernie, it's new hampshire, not jew[ laughter ] too much. too much. too much.
it's live trump or die. >> we're so one about 100 of these -- >> still don't know what you're doing. >> we know what we're doing. everybody needs to --. you volunteer. you work at the campaign? >> yeah. >> and it's so disorganized. >> it's a house of cards. i don't want to say that. >> no, that's fine. the netflix show. are you going to throw someone on the train tracks like that guy? >> this is the number one campaign in the country. we're the [ bleep ] -- >> i just want to tell you. if she has the baby tonight in new victory tomorrow. please, ivanka, have the baby tonight. >> have the baby! have the baby! >> we're going to bring education back common core. >> i don't know what that is. [ laughter ] >> we're not going to have people dying on the streets. we're going to get them into a e of
>> and die there. [ laughter ] in a hospital. in the hospital. >> and we're going to build ourselves so strong -- nobody. i'm telling ing to play with us. we don't want to use it. >> nobody's going to play with us. [ laughter ] no play dates! no play dates!work. just ask israel. walls work. i mean, serious walls. i mean trump walls. >> trump walls! dtf! donald trump forever! dtf! donald trump forever! donald trump forever! wall? >> mexico!ome people -- she just said a terrible thing. you know what she said? shout it out because i don't want to -- >> [ bleep ].
>> whoa![ laughter ] language! saucy language! wow. you're going to get hurt and if you're going to drive like a maniac, do it tomorrow after you vote. and i promise visit you in the hospital. >> you promise? [ laughter ] you better! i'm going to wreck my car right now. thank you very much, new hampshire. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> right now personally for feel personally right now for me personally, the biggest threat i'm facing is finding a bus back to the hospital in the snow. of the --
come on, let's stump for trump! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: unfortunate ending. but thank you, jake byrd, still freezing! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'mtonight from nothing but thieves. alicia vikander is here. we'll be right back with bill maher. [ cheers and applause ]nnouncer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by mountain dew kickstart. three awesome things combined. dew, juice, caffeine. y. to prove it,an expensive contract plan by popping a sim card into my phone. now it's a straight talk phone. and i get to keep my same number and network for half the cost.n put toward your college fund. oh, i'm not going to college. i want to be...a magician.
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lause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back.scar nominee for her role in the movie "the danish girl." she is nominated for best supporting actress, alicia vikander is here. [ cheers and applause ] from essex, which is all the way in england, this is their self-titled album. it's called "nothing but thieves," from the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrowood show. sacha baron cohen will be here. zendaya will join us. and we'll have music from mana. join us then. you're
president or pope, if our first guest doesn't like what you're up to, he will make sure you know it. he's the host of "real time with bill friday nights on hbo and you can see him live at the mirage in las vegas march 12th and 13th. please welcome bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] nk you for being here. i know this is an important night for you. >> it's an important night for you. >> jimmy: why? >> because you're on and i'm not. i'm not working tonight. i'm here. becauseite talk show on the west coast. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you.alk show on the the. >> you're the only tack show on the west coast.
>> why, what did you hear? >> jimmy: you got surfing or something.>> who told you that? cronies. us. surfboard. is that not true? >> that's not true. i went to hawaii. this year i brought david spade and jeff ross. we had a fabulous time.ed with us. it was really fun. >> jimmy: nice. >> thanks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't address him. >> i'm from new jersey. i body plause ] chris christie fans? [ laughter ] and you know, sometimes the wave face planted me. and yes, my face waso appear. [ laughter ] happy you got that out of me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i love we can say that now. remember when we started in show swear. now they just bleep it out. no one gives a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: yeah. i mean, i don't know what people were so hung up about.erybody's
>> trump. >> trump. >> jimmy: you think it was trump? >> no, i -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. >> no, but he's running for president and he says [ bleep ] [ bleep er ] >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> it is crazy. >> jimmy: do you like that or do you dislike it? >> i like that -- i mean, i always say donald trump and i are a little -- a little liketive and the serial killer. you know. we're not so different, you and i. [ laughter ] i certainly don't agree with says politically, but i love the fact that he's politically incorrect. i used to have a show called "politically [ applause ] >> jimmy: what happened to that show? >> well, i got thrown off the air for being too politically incorrect. >> jimmy: my god. >> and then they gotguy. >> jimmy: fat guy, right? >> no, not a fat guy. just a guy who wouldn't piss people off.
but yeah, that's donald trump.ats third rails for breakfast. i have yet to find something this man can say that will turn his fans off. i mean, we all thought it was over when he said not a war hero. we thought, oh, well, that's -- come on. no. but great, whatever. and then he went to megyn kelly, you're on carly fiorina, you're an older woman, too ugly to run for president. hey, who wants to see my impression of a cerebral palsy like what does this mean have to do? fart in jesus's face? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that would be something. >> he's like a movie monster. whatever they think is going to destroy him just makes him stronger. you ou endorsed bernie
and you feel good about that now? >> look, i like hillary a much as bernie. we've never had a leftist in my lifetime. a true leftist. he's putting things on the table no one ever before. that's why we don't know. now, is he probably going to win in the south? probably not. he's a socialist jew who's 100.but you know what? people have never seen this product before. people didn't know they wanted an iphone until they put it in body bought it. we've never had -- i call it the new deal. like fdr's new deal. he is saying we could be more like a western where you pay a little more taxes but look what you get. free college, free health care. go after the banks. this stuff has never been on thel see what happens. i think he deserves for what he's done so far to at least get the benefit of the doubt.lause ]
we go back to the old rules, fine. i've told my audience, my fans. i said look, i'm forot of you are too. but hillary is still good. it's like when you're on a plane if you don't get your first choice eat the chicken.use if you don't get the democrat, then the nearest abortion clinic will be in london. >> jimmy: do you like any of the if you were forced to vote for one of them -- >> i'd kill myself.my: but if you had to vote for one of them, is there anyone in your mind -- who do you think is the worst among them? >> ted cruz is always the worst. >> jimmy: why do you say that? they laughed. that why. [ laughter ] i said it because he is. because he's smart and evil. the other ones are true dummies. likeow, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
but ted cruz is diabolical. really hate about him. and this is what a true cynic is. he's smart but he knows what to say to his dummy base that they will believe. so he always- here's my favorite. he said, you know, before 9/11 i was a fan of classic rock. after 9/11 i foundo country music. [ laughter ] because as we all know the world trade center was attacked night. [ laughter ] what the hell does that mean? or the thing about new york remember that a couple of weeks ago? like he doesn't have new york values. he clerked for the supreme court. he went to princeton and yale. and he's like, do i even own shoes?ove when he plays the [ bleep ] kicker chord like -- oh, i did it again. >> jimmy: bill maher isl time."
[ cheers and applause ] look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing. this is a disaster! who's the genius ls on a subway grate? miss monroe, eat a snickers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. l never make the cut, morons. oh hello, deadpool here. (swish)d to be a professional athlete. (music) cause i wanted to have children in cities all over the world. (music) (music)ol: incoming! (motor revving) (music) (crunch) (explosion)
you know, i grew up in las vegas. you like playing vegas? >> i love vegas. you know, i first played there. it's going to make me sound old, but [ bleep ], i am. in 1982. >> jimmy: wow. >> i was 26, and i opened for diana ross. and that was -- yeah. >> jimmy: was that at caesars palace? >> caesars palace. it's what id ball era in vegas. it's like after the rat pack but before it got reinvented as something hip and cool. so it was tough. you know, and i was a youngne you knew who i was or wanted to see me. they wanted to see diana ross. now it's great. it's hip. hip people come out and see it. it's the only place in the world i can playek. everywhere else you don't play christmas if you're a personal appearance act. people are spending their money on christmas. vegas could give a [ bleep ] about christmas. they don't want to christmas exists because then people will feel guilty about losing the house money. >> jimmy: hey, by the way, happy
i know you had a big ause ] i know you had a big birthday party. do you say how old or do you keep it quiet? >> yes, i say how old. i shout td out.applause ] >> jimmy: i like to have a party when you don't worry about it. some people get bummed out by this stuff. >> first of all, you can't hide anymore. what aim going to say? i'm 48. made it into an event on my show and i used it as a reason to get obama to appear on my show, because it's been a sore point. i mean, invitation to him has been lost in the mail for seven years. he's done every show. he's done your show, right? >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> see what i mean? every show.my: first of all, how dare you? and secondly, you gave his super pac a million dollars.d he treats me like i owe him money. [ laughter ] i didn't even mention that because that shouldn't be the reason why.
>> they have a thing at the white house that if you get a petition that is signed by 100,000 people they have to respond to it. so we had a petition out there.ans within 38 hours, we had the 100,000 signatures. and it just says do our show or tell me why.why. and i'm sure that there are people in the white house who say never do that show. bill maher, he's a comedian, atheist, pot smoker who never got married. by the way, all decisions i'm really good with. [ applause ] >> jimmy: have you considered -- i know he's comingek for fund-raisers. tell him you're having a fund-raiser at the address where you shoot the show and maybe he'll show up.use ] >> that's what the president does, jimmy. he just shows up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what he did here. he just appeared like santa claus. it was a miracle. >> yeah. well, we'll set they say.
to see you. [ applause ] you know what? i told you this a million times, but when i was in college i saw you do stand-up and i think that you're one of the great stand-up comics and if you want to go see bill march 12th and 13th in las vegas at the mirage hotel -- >> las vegas! about las vegas? >> jimmy: bill maher, everybody. we'll be right back with alicia vikander.
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we're back. still to come, music from "nothingves." our next guest has had a productive week. she won the critic's choice award, the s.a.g. award. on sunday she was named mvp of the super bowl. nominated for best supportinge in "the danish girl." please say hello to alicia vikander. [ cheers and applause ] i know i screwed up your name. i said it a million times to myself before. alicia vikander, right? >> yeah, that was jimmy: yeah, except i didn't say it like that before.
travolta has to introduce your category, god help him. it's going to be a disaster. [ laughter ]f the good things about being nominated for -- one of the many good things is people hear your name over and over again and you have maybe a little less of that. >> yeah. and then i'm going to swedish version and then -- >> jimmy: what is the swedish version of your name? >> alicia vikander. >> jimmy: yeah, forget that. is the oscars a big thing in sweden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it is? >> it is. i remember when my mom -- i came finally would allow me to kind of set the alarm clock and go up at 2:00 a.m. and sit by the tv and then later on i even had like riends and we kind of stayed up and were wearing pajamas and ate popcorn and watched the oscars and talked about all the dresses. >> jimmy: so yourn very, very excited when you got nominated. >> and the thing was they were actually out here for the goldenr the first time in l.a.
and they came with me to set. i was filming in vegas. so we got the news when i was immy: wow. >> and it was great because it was like -- we were all in track suits, and it was 9:00 a.m. in the morning and we could just pop the champagne and that was totallymy: that's right. it's las vegas. you can do that anytime. but why were you all wearing track ] >> i'd just woken up. and it's also on film shoots. i'm actually just wearing the same thing every day. i do have several options. so it's not like i don't wash them. but you go to work, youange. so i even remember on some shoots you've been together with your colleagues for like three months and then you end up having like a night when at it's the first time you actually -- look at you. jeans and a t-shirt. you look so well. >> jimmy: yeah, that is a funny
here on our show fromthrones" or "downton abbey" or something i'm always shocked to see them in normal human being clothes. >> yeah.u it's kind of the opposite. >> yeah. >> jimmy: will you bring your family to the oscars with you? >> i am. >> jimmy: you are. get them tickets or how does that work? >> yeah. i just -- i got them tickets the other -- >> jimmy: will they embarrass you by talking to famous people? >> i hope e so. you're okay with that? >> yeah. my dad has a bit of a crush on kate winslet. so i kind of prepped her. my dad's e kind. and she was. she was like oh, my god, that's cute. >> jimmy: wow. that's funny. but i guess your dad, your dad's probably my aget it. that's a little bit weird. your dad -- but yeah, your dad, it probably makes perfect sense that he would have a crush on -- >> i do have a crush on kate : do you know all the women who are nominated with you in your category?
to meet rooney 've been sitting at many of these events, and i mean, i've looked up to her and admired her as an actress for a long time. we've been waving acro and finally when we did this we had the oscar luncheon. we were put next to each other >> jimmy: does anyone eat lunch at the luncheon? it seems like nobody's eating. >> it's the first proper event where they actually eat. normally at the golden globes i was sitting there with a plate in front of me and everyone the food never came. isn't that weird? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's called the hollywood diet. >> yeah.this every year? this is not a miss, this is actually -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's a very traditional l.a. thing. you just eat the air. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and then you drink. and then it all goes in sweden does everybody speak english? >> yeah. everyone speaks very good english in sweden. we learn it in school from about 9, 10.ot until i got here
it, you know. >> jimmy: and you realize that there are different ways people all over the country speak. >> you mean accents? >> jimmy: yeah.yeah, we do have them -- we have them in sweden too. >> jimmy: you have them in sweden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: isn't that funny? because really our knowledge ofdish accents comes from a muppet who cooks. [ laughter ] >> yode, yode, so you know him. >> but to me he sounds more norwegian. >> jimmy: oh, he does? [ laughter ]ore more norwegian. that's a scandal to hit sesame street. [ laughter ] so are you excited about the oscars? if should be a fun night. i think you have a good chance you know you can. you're working in las vegas. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ]
you were making that movie with that stupid matt damon, weren't you, in las vegas? >> yeah. actually see him -- you're telling his true colors. i know everyone tells everyone that he's the sweetest dude. >> jimmy: but he's not. he'sre. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thanks. finally someone confirms this for me. [ applause ] >> we still have one week to go. >> jimmy: number one, we learned is a fraud. and number two, we learned -- well, something i knew for a long time. matt damon is evil incarnate. [ laughter ]we'll see you at the academy awards, the oscars, which are on sunday february 28th, 7:00 eastern, 4:00 pacific., which was great. "the danish girl" comes out on dvd and blu-ray march 1st. we'll be right back with nothing but thieves. [ cheers and applause ] nnouncer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is
apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first with their self-titled album here with the song thing but thieves! [ cheers and applause ] sharing secrets with another world rubbing shoulders with some unknown lovers making waves through the universe starting wars with anonymous brothers trip switch make a wish and i'll press the button and we'll both be happy sending signals is a dirty trick i get my love in trip trip switch switch trip trip switch switch what we do when the power's out
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