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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  August 26, 2016 11:34pm-12:38am EDT

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to be sued. has government lost its mind? so i fixed the law to make sure we are all empowered to rescue those who can not rescue themselves. that is the least we can do. after all the love they give. dana young for the florida senate. a return to common sense. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his
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jeff foxworthy! d featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 521! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ? ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's what you want! i love you, i love you. thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. this is it, you're all here. you've made it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much for being here. we've got a great show for you tonight. first, here's what people are
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awards are this sunday right here in new york. [ cheers and applause ] i read that the network actually gets too many requests from people who want to sit with taylor swift so they look cool. [ light laughter ] mtv was like, "we'll let you know if anything opens up, hillary." all right. [ laughter and applause ] fifth call today. and a producer for the vmas says that apparently rihanna is going to deliver a, quote, "holy crap moment." donald trump is like, "who cares? try doing that twice a day, every day." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] holy crap. holy crap. holy crap. actually trump had a big week. in fact "the washington post" published an entire biography of donald trump that's 431 pages long. trump said it's a little longer than the books he likes to read by about 431 pages. [ laughter and applause ] but he still likes it.
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>> jimmy: the trump biography also reveals that he doesn't have a computer at his desk in trump tower. instead every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, "barbara, google me. [ laughter ] google. [ applause ] have i been -- how many times have i been googled today? google me again." according to the book, at one point, trump wanted to pitch a a dramatic tv series based on his life, called "the tower." [ light laughter ] apparently, he went so far as we have an exclusive here. take a look at this. ? ? >> jimmy: that's fantastic. [ applause ] >> steve: i love him! >> jimmy: i love that dude. like a pretty good show. but the hillary e-mails just
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reveals that hillary once asked the air force to fly her home because she didn't feel well enough to fly commercially. apparently she even called the general in the airport, and i gotta say it sounds a bit suspicious. we have a recording of the phone call. it's an exclusive. [ light laughter ] >> steve: wow, how'd you get that? >> jimmy: it's another -- >> steve: did they call you? or what happened? >> jimmy: i can't get into details. >> steve: but we have them. >> jimmy: it's classified, but this -- >> steve: this is top secret information, and we have it. wow. >> jimmy: we have the phone call -- recording of the phone call. it sounds a bit fishy. >> steve: let's hear it. >> jimmy: li t >> this is general welsh. >> hello, general, it's secretary of state hillary clinton. i was hoping the air force could fly me home. i'm terribly sick. cough, cough. [ laughter ] >> did you say, "cough, cough?" >> yes. ha ha. cough, cough. chill, shivery. >> madam secretary, i am afraid that we reserve this sort of thing just for the president. >> well then, perfect. let's just pretend i'm president. [ laughter ] you can call me -- hello? oh, well.
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: cough cough. >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: shiver, chill. a little celebrity news here. i saw that angelina jolie and brad pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. [ applause ] they said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army, i mean, family. [ applause ] isn't that nice? i just thought that was nice. this is kind of sweet. in a new interview, ashley olsen called her sister then she said, "unless i'm mary kate. [ laughter ] [ applause ] am i mary kate? no, i'm not. is it a leap year? [ light laughter ] no, i'm mary kate." i love ashley." this isn't good here, guys. i read that the "brady bunch" house was broken into and raided by burglars in california last week. marcia's room was ransacked while jan's room was just ignored.
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[ applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: it's always marcia, marcia, marcia! [ light laughter ] this is interesting. new research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. mainly, it's due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a tv with dimes. [ laughter and applause ] "ten cents, 20 cents, 30 cents, 40 cents. 50 cents." [ laughter ] mrs. sandler, please. >> jimmy: there's a -- [ laughter ] there's a new report that says that the sales of canned wine are on the rise. canned wine. so finally people that drink boxed wine have someone to look down on. [ applause ] "drinking wine out of a can?
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give me my crazy straw. [ laughter ] finally, this is just crazy, guys. i saw that the playboy mansion recently sold for $100 million to one of the owners of the hostess company. which makes sense because that place has already seen its share of ho-hos and ding dongs. i know, i know. [ applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots! ? ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you guys very much. we had a great show tonight. but join us again next week. on monday, golden globe award-winning actor kevin bacon will be here! [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: he's always fun. and we've got something special planned with him. be sure to tune in for that.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that will be something. then, later in the week we have mel brooks is coming on the show. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] come on. >> jimmy: david spade will be on our show. [ cheers ] the kids from "stranger things," will be on the show. [ cheers and applause ] harry connick jr.! >> steve: what? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: meg ryan jr.! [ cheers ] you don't want to miss a a junior. but first, we have a fun show tonight. we love it when she stops by. sh resurrection," jessica alba is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] always the best. >> steve: a delight. >> jimmy: jessica and i are going to play a brand new game called roomba pong. [ audience oohs ] >> steve: fancy. >> jimmy: yeah, it's fun. plus he's the bestselling comedy recording artist of all time. and he has a new standup special available now on netflix called "jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy: we've
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[ laughter ] jeff foxworthy is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he's a funny, funny man. >> steve: funny man. >> jimmy: always makes me laugh. jeff is going to perform standup for us. and then we're going to catch up with him later in the show. it's gonna be a good show tonight. thank you guys so much. guys, today is friday. should we show bonk? guys, we have a free app that's available. it's free if you have an iphone or apple device. but anyways, it's called bonk. i don't know if you know it. clearly you don't. but here's wyo >> steve: they love it. >> jimmy: but it's free. >> steve: it's bonk-tastic. >> jimmy: well here's what you do. so you put your head -- see it's like an outline of a a head? see that? blue? so you outline it with your head and your eyes, right? [ light laughter ] all right. so now look. here's -- that's me, right? that's the photo there. [ cheers ] then you press -- simple enough, just press bonk. ? wait for two seconds.
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[ laughter ] [ applause ] i like that guy. and then you can share it, and you send it around, e-mail, and instagram and twitter and facebook and all that stuff. anyways, it's called bonk and it is sweeping the nation. >> steve: sweeping. like roomba. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. guys, today is friday. [ cheers and applause ] we're excited for the weekend. >> steve: yeah, they're excited. >> jimmy: and that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff, you kn, e-mails. and of course i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] i was running a bit behind. so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? [ cheers and applause ] uh, james? [ laughter ] james? what's up, buddy? >> steve:james got something in his eye? >> jimmy: i don't know. [ light laughter ] james, can i get some -- >> steve: oh, no. [ light laughter ]
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he can only answer by blinking. >> jimmy: what? >> steve: look at him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i did see him earlier playing with shrimp. maybe he's allergic to shrimp. [ laughter ] >> steve: he's allergic to shrimp? >> jimmy: and he can't move. >> steve: are you allergic to shrimp? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. i don't know what happened. he's allergic -- a lot of food allergies. james, can i get some a thank you note writing music please? ? aw, thank you. [ light laughter ] unbelievable. thank you very much. >> steve: unbelievably cute. >> jimmy: yeah. thank you, tim tebow, for deciding to try out for a major league baseball team, which is an odd choice for someone who has never been to first base. [ laughter ] >> steve: hey! ho! hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he wrote it! james wrote it! >> steve: james! >> jimmy: i didn't write it. >> steve: james! you didn't think about home base either. t-ball.
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>> jimmy: thank you, airlander 10, for being the world's largest aircraft, and also showing me what it'd look like if the macy's thanksgiving day parade had a kim kardashian balloon. [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: what is that, james? >> jimmy: james! >> steve: what is that supposed to mean? >> jimmy: he did write it. >> steve: this guy is crazy. insane in the membrane. ? >> jimmy: thank you, san diego chargers logo, for looking like an emoji toupee. [ laughter and applause ] that's a good idea. >> steve: classic. >> jimmy: that's a good idea. >> steve: they should do it. >> jimmy: that should be our next app. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: emoji toupee. >> steve: emoji toupees. ? >> jimmy: thank you, michael phelps, for winning the gold in the 200-meter butterfly, the 4x200 relay, and the 100 meter resting bitch face.
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>> steve: that's like acting. "i'm angry! i'm going to slam!" [ light laughter ] "gonna win another medal!" [ laughter ] ? >> jimmy: thank you, the remake of "ben-hur," for being a flop at the box office. which makes me feel silly for ordering that "i'm with hur" t-shirt. [ laughter ] have to return that. >> steve: how many did you order? >> jimmy: i should return th [ light laughter ] ? thank you, ryan lochte, for joining the cast of "dancing with the stars." i guess after speedo dropped him, he decided to go someplace with a little more ball room. [ applause ] >> steve: oh, my gosh. james! [ applause ] ?
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>> steve: dance. ball room. ? >> jimmy: thank you, co-worker who carries around their juice cleanse bottle with them, for telling the entire office in about a week you're going to see me eating an entire pizza by myself. [ applause ] it happens. you can't keep going. and finally -- ? thank you, parallel parkinr as i call you, car tetris. there you guys have it right there. those are my thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with jessica alba! [ cheers and applause ] ? ? it's a golden opportunity to discover that in a lexus suv there are no adverse conditions.
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? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a talented actress who stars alongside jason statham in the
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theaters now. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome jessica alba! ? ? [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh, welcome. thank you, thank you so much. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: you look gorgeous as always, thank you so much. >> thank you. >> over here >> jimmy: yeah, thank you, sir. alright, watch it. [ cheers and applause ] calm down. we have a lot to get to. in addition to the movie coming out today you also have a new line of hair products out, 'cause i know -- >> yes. >> jimmy: your business has, like, taken off. >> yeah, i launched a beauty line called honest beauty.
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country. and we just launched a hair care line and so you get clean, effective, beautiful hair products by honest beauty. >> jimmy: i mean, that's major, pal, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i'm in. [ applause ] you're creating this, you have this unbelievable giant business with honest and they're all great stuff. i use the diapers and stuff for the baby. >> awe, yay. >> jimmy: well, not me but for the baby. i'm an entrepreneur as well, we made an app called bonk. [ laughter ] i don't know if you heard about it, it's sweeping the nation. [ light laughter ] >> i'm so excited about it, everybody's heard about it, right, guys? >> jimmy: everybody is talking about it. people can't stop. >> what is it exactly? >> jimmy: oh, it's fascinating. would you like to try it? >> yeah, totally. can't wait. >> jimmy: it's effective and it makes your hair look good. >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: alright, ready? >> okay. >> jimmy: yeah, you go right in there. and just press the blue button. alright, there you go. perfect. >> okay.
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you're about to get bonked. [ light laughter ] ready? >> yeah. ? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a good one. >> that's funny. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you never had a beard before, right? >> i really have never tried a a beard on. >> jimmy: no, i've never seen you with a beard, but that's a a good look. yeah, i like that. >> that is a good look, yeah. >> jimmy: how is everything? how's the kids? >> jimmy: how's the husband? how's he doing? >> he's really good, he actually started a company called "pair of thieves" and he makes like undies and sockies. >> jimmy: sockies? >> for men and kids. >> jimmy: sockies. i get undies. no one says sockies. >> i don't know. we say it in the house. >> jimmy: he doesn't make like japanese sake does he? >> no, but he makes like the no-shows. i call those sockies, i don't know. >> jimmy: what's no-show? >> it's like socks that you don't -- >> jimmy: oh, socks that hide under so it looks like you're not wearing socks.
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and he makes undies that have no swass. do you know what that means? apparently -- >> jimmy: it's like learning a a whole new language, like rosetta stone tonight. this is fantastic. [ laughter ] >> i didn't know! he was -- >> jimmy: no swass? >> swass. he says guys get sweaty ass. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ audience groans ] >> and so his undies are no swass. i don't know, i never knew that about guys. >> jimmy: well, you should, he's your husband. you should know if he has swass. [ light laughter ] >> i'm not -- have swass. >> no, totally. i would never assume. but apparently with his undies, you will not have that. so -- >> jimmy: swass free. that is fantastic. i have to go to an urban dictionary and check out swass. [ light laughter ] how are the babies? how are the kids? >> they're really good. they're going to start school soon. havie, everything has an i-e. i don't know. i think ever since i became a a mom i got really corny and i say e. sockies. >> jimmy: undies. >> undies.
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>> jimmy: no, you have to do that. it's good. you love 'em. >> haven is my 5-year-old and she's starting school, she's going to be in kindergarten, which is really cute. >> jimmy: wait, you have a a 5-year-old? >> and then i have an 8-year-old, who is about to be in third grade. >> jimmy: 8-years-old already? >> yeah and she has like braces and she likes to play tennis. >> jimmy: come on, that's crazy. >> i know. and she never wants to wear pink, she only wants to wear blue and she loves being sporty. >> jimmy: is she -- 'cause you had a brother growing up, right? >> i did, yeah. >> jimmy: is she like you guys? >> my kids don't fight the way that i fought with my brother. >> jimmy: oh, really? >>h. competitive? >> my brother and i were very competitive and we were incredibly physical. like, we beat each other up. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, really? you got violent. >> my brother knocked out my teeth. >> jimmy: what? >> yeah, like, i didn't have teeth for a really long time. [ laughter ] i had a mask -- >> jimmy: when they grow back
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from age 3 to 7, i had like a a mad lisp and people would make fun of me. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> i used to torture him 'cause he had chapped lips, he was like one of those lip-licker kids. [ light laughter ] and was the crazy chap -- so i would binaca his lips when he was sleeping. >> jimmy: did it sting him? >> it would sting him so bad and he would cry. >> jimmy: oh, that's cool. >> and i would like tickle his nose and put toothpaste on his hand and he would like -- >> jimmy: i once pretended i dn >> my brother actually did that to me, too. >> jimmy: really? she kept talking to me and i was like -- i can't hear what you're saying. she freaked out. >> did she smack you or? >> jimmy: no, she just started crying. she freaked out and didn't know what to do. [ laughter ] >> oh, i used to pretend i was possessed by a devil -- [ laughter ] in the middle of the night and i'd go into my brother's room and he thought i was possessed like "poltergeist." seriously and it gave him nightmares. yeah, i did like an evil voice and i'd scare the crap out of
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>> jimmy: it's good to have brothers and sisters. they're so fun. >> yeah. >> jimmy: he's got to be proud of you for everything you've done. i mean, "mechanic: resurrection" -- >> yes. >> jimmy: it came out today. jason statham, who we love on the show -- >> yes, he's great. >> jimmy: he is the toughest, toughest dude of all time. [ laughter ] and he's tougher -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: and he don't care, i don't really like that. but in real life he's the nicest, sweetest dude i've ever met. >> he is, and he has so many muscles. [ laughter ] that he didn't have last year. >> yeah, he has like multiple shoulder muscles and back like muscles. he has like a 12-pack, i didn't even know that could exist. >> jimmy: well, i know it does. [ laughter ] i had a 12-pack before the show. [ laughter ] come on y'all. but do you understand when he talks to you, oh, jessica, do that thing --
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>> i got about every six words. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. me too. >> when he was talking to his friends. so he'd slow it down for me when he was just talking to me. >> jimmy: yeah, he came on the show and we played this game, we just laughed so hard. we were like two little kids. i just never saw -- he just melted. >> like a muscly little kid. >> jimmy: he would say, i'll come on the show but i'm not sure i want to talk. [ light laughter ] we could played a game or something like that. he was like, play a game? and we played this game and had so much fun he was actually crying laughing. >> jimmy: i love the guy so much. what do we have to expect from this film, can you set it up at all? >> you are going to expect a a lot of jason kicking all the butts and i get to kick a few myself as well. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's a lot of swass! a lot of swass in this movie. >> and i did some krav maga training, which is something i never learned before and it's
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israel -- a israeli form of martial arts. >> jimmy: it's tough. >> basically you take down your opponent with whatever is around as quickly as possible. and it's quite brutal. >> jimmy: are you -- >> if i was here, and you were there, like i would get this, and i'd like smash it in your face -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then -- or i'd like palm you in the nose or i'd like grab your hair and smash your head into the desk. >> jimmy: the jokes on your because this is a toupee comes [ laughter ] you'd be holding on and be like -- >> or i could take my shoe off. >> jimmy: alright. okay. >> you know, that kind of thing. >> jimmy: i just wanna see the film. [ laughter ] we have a clip here is my pal jessica alba with jason statham in "mechanic: resurrection." take a look at this. ?
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? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes, always. you're the best. stick around, jessica alba and i are playing roomba pong, roomba pong when we get back. ? [ cheers and applause ] ? ? hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? yeah, we go left right here. (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback.
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time is the most valuable thing there is. [cuckoo cuckoo] people try to beat time... [scream] ...but time always wins. our greatest fear is running out of time. there's a bomb in the salsa can! we gotta get out of here! my phone's still charging! so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone? why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone? [explosion] [explosion] ahhhhhhhh!
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? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, back everybody. we're hanging out with jessica alba. [ cheers and applause ] her new movie "mechanic: resurrection" is in theaters today. >> steve: whoa!
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here, ladies and gentlemen, we always love steve higgins. [ cheers and applause ] we're about to play a game of beer pong, but with a twist. the twist is we've attached the cups of these roombas, which will be aimlessly roaming around the table as we try to sink our shots. jessica and i are a team, but higgins is going to need a a partner, and we found a good one his new standup special"jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy: we've been thinking" is on netflix now, please welcome jeff foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you buddy? >> how are you? >> partners. >> jimmy: jeff are you good at this at all? >> i'm a little, i get a little swass. i'm nervous. [ laughter ] >> i told you. >> just enough to keep it interesting. the rules -- rules are the same as beer pong. if you make a shot, the other team chugs a beer. first team to sink two cups wins. let's take our positions, higgins and jeff you on that side, jessica, me and you are
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>> jimmy: yeah. >> where do we have to stand? >> steve: you stand over here. >> jimmy: standing over there, yep. >> steve: you're going to shoot it there. >> wait and we try to shoot over there? >> jimmy: that's correct. >> and they try to shoot here? >> jimmy: yep. >> what are we drinking? >> jimmy: i think it's -- >> beer? >> beer. >> jimmy: ice cold swass. [ laughter ] here we go. >> steve: swasstastic. >> jimmy: alright, here we go. hig -- why don't you guys go first? >> steve: okay. right in there. swass it up. >> the far one right? >> jimmy: you guys try to -- yeah. >> okay. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: come on, jess. >> okay. >> jimmy: you can do it. [ groans ] [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: alright, i got you. under handed? ? yes! [ applause ] >> jimmy: swasstastic! i wish i caught it in my mouth. [ laughter ]
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? >> jimmy: you can get it further back, jeff. ? that roomba moved on purpose. >> almost. it's really hard. no. that was embarrassing. hey! >> steve: come on! come on! >> jimmy: chug, chug, swass, swass, swass. ? do the whole thing? >> yeah, like a champ. ? >> here we go. >> it's alright. >> jimmy: your shot.
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>> jimmy: sorry, sorry. hey now. ? >> it's harder than you think. >> jimmy: higgins, throw it overhand. >> steve: alright, i'm going to go overhand. oh, it moved. >> jimmy: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> yes! >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: we won! >> steve: we knocked one down! ? >> jimmy: drink thot you've got to drink the other one too, i knocked two over. that was a good one. there you go. fantastic. >> nice >> jimmy: we are the champs. jessica alba and i. [ cheers and applause ] jeff foxworthy right there. steve higgins. more of "the tonight show" after the break. stick around, everybody. that's a fun game. [ cheers and applause ] ? [ tires screech ]
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? [ cheers and applause ]
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of the most successful and funniest comedians around. he's a multiple grammy and emmy nominee, and he's a a new york times bestselling author. his latest stand up special "jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy: we've been thinking" is available now on netflix. everyone please welcome jeff foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> thank you very much. alright, so here's where w at. i am now in my mid-50s. so my wife and i are the bologna in the technology bologna sandwich. we're right in the middle. because our parents can't text and our children can't write. [ light laughter ] my kids don't think you need to study anymore, they're like, dad, if you need to know something, you just google it. and to a point they're right, because when i was growing up if you were watching tv and somebody said what was that guy in?
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[ light laughter ] now you watch tv, somebody goes, what was that guy in? somebody goes, he was the janitor on "joey." but i try to tell my kids, yeah, you can google a lot of stuff but there's a lot of things you only learn through living life, you can't google those. and i call them the facts of life, things you can't google. like this, fact of life, if you're trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit in the effort to save a a couple of seconds, because the muscles that guard the floodgate will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post. and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. and google won't tell you that. [ laughter ] fact of life, out of all the cereals, captain crunch is the most time intensive. here's what i'm talking about. you eat it too soon after you pour the milk on, and you will rip the roof of your mouth to
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you wait too long after you pour the milk on and the captain will put a film on your teeth a wire brush can't get rid of. [ applause ] google won't tell you that. fact of life, you can have a a wife with long, beautiful hair, or you can be on time. [ laughter ] fact of life. if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won't go to bed for three years. [ laughter ] speaking of kids, another fact of life. the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. people that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they're growing in their own backyard. by the time that fourth kid rolls around, you're smoking a a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it.
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take the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth, dummy. fact of life, 100% of the black guys that shave their heads look really, really cool. 50% of the white guys who shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. [ laughter and applause ] it's true, isn't it? fact of life. fact of life. flying on an airplane makes you gassy. nobody ever talks about this. nobody ever acknowledges this. we just take our roll around suitcase and walk the baggage claim, popping them off like a a trail horse. [ laughter and applause ] fact of life. if you wake yourself up with a a snore, the first thing you do is look around to see who's laughing at you. [ laughter ]
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tipsy, there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a a hibernating bear. and by fine line, i mean about half a sip. it's like, you wait until we get home tonight, mister, i'm going to tear you up. [ laughter ] [ snoring ] [ applause ] and once she crosses the line, she ain't coming back. like tar paddles on a body with no head. you are wasting your time. baby, wake up for like one minute. 35 seconds. give me 35 seconds. [ applause ] fact of life. women always have more questions than men have answers to. great example, about six months ago, i got a text one day, the text said please pray for tom, he was in a bad wreck. i go through the house to find my wife and said hey i just got a text said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck she said,
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got texted please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. she said, were carol and the kids in the car with him? i said, i don't know, i just got text that said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. were the people in the other car hurt? i don't know i just got texted please pray for tom he was in a a bad wreck. did they even have insurance? i don't know, i just got a text that said please pray for tom he was in a bad wreck. what hospital did they take him to? i don't know, i just got texted please pray for tom he was in a a bad wreck. she said, you don't know anything. what do you know? i said, i know you need to pray for tom, i just got a text said he was in a bad wreck. you guys are have been gre god bless you thank you for listening to me. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. oh, my goodness. that's how you do it. that is how you do it. more with jeff foxworthy when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ?
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you and i were not allowed to save them unless we were willing to be sued. has government lost its mind? so i fixed the law to make sure we are all empowered to rescue those who can not rescue themselves. that is the least we can do. after all the love they give. dana young for the florida senate. a return to common sense. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: oh, my goodness, you
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much for that. here's the special here. it's on netflix right now. "we've been thinking," yeah. thank you so much for doing standup. it means a lot to us on "the tonight show" to have a great comedian like you do some standup. >> i'm honored that you -- thank you for having comics do that, 'cause it's almost a lost art, you know? that's what i grew up watching and what i wanted to do. >> jimmy: when was the last time you did standup on a late night show? >> maybe like 1994? like -- [ laughter ] i don't know. like, 20 years ago, maybe? >> jimmy: is that right? 20 years? >> yeah. to do standup, yeah. >> jimmy: we're honored. thank you so much for doing that. >> oh, man, my pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] you've got this special -- another special. you and larry the cable guy who, gosh, i love him as well. he's super funny guy. is it easy to come up with comedy after all these specials that you've been doing? >> no, you know what? no, because it's -- the difference in music. you write five hits of music, you play till you're 90. but with comedy, once you do a a special, people are like, "oh, that's funny. what do you have that's new?" and there's no other way to do it but to go back to little clubs and start from scratch. i have three boxes. i have gold, silver, and certificate of appearance. and i will just have jokes,
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a sunday night. i keep the certificate. that means, you know, they bombed, and so i keep going back. and i can always tell when they bomb because i can only hear one person laughing, and it's my wife in the balcony, you know? [ laughter ] she's like, "that was so bad, nobody even laughed." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she's laughing that no one laughed. >> she loves it when i go down the toilet. >> jimmy: yeah, of course she does, yeah. >> but the whole process of starting from a note -- from a a fog, and then, you know, later on it turns into a a special, it's just a cool evolution. >> jimmy: it's the greatest thing ever, d and especially now with netflix, it's like a whole new thing that people just watch nothing but comedians now. >> yeah. and it's fun. we were doing this tour, and we're just getting great reviews and great press, and netflix saw it and said, "can we film this?" i'm like, "yeah, come on." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: and you look great, i should say. you look great. you were telling me last time you were here, you had kidney stones. >> oh, my gosh. have you had one? how many -- has anybody had a a kidney stone out here? i -- seriously, you have -- the pain is so -- and this is how i
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truck. all -- feel great. all of a sudden, it's like chuck norris kicked me in the back. i made a noise. i was like -- [ squealing ] [ light laughter ] i didn't say it was a masculine noise. it was a noise. [ laughter ] and then it hit me again. dewayne, this kid that's ringing me up at the tire store, he looks at me and he goes, "hey. i ain't no doctor --" [ light laughter ] which caught me off guard. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. [ laughter ] >> i had assumed that he was. he just didn't like wearing the stethoscope while he's changing [ laughter ] >> jimmy: at the tire store, yeah. >> he goes, "i ain't no doctor, but i think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that's what he acted like." [ light laughter ] and it wasn't that i didn't trust dewayne's diagnosis, but -- [ laughter ] i thought, you know, jeff, you have a little money, why not get -- >> both: a second opinion? >> you know, so -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> so i go to the urologist. and he said, "you don't have a a kidney stone, you have five, and one of them is huge." and when you hear stone, and you think smooth river rock.
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a ninja death star. [ laughter ] i mean, it's got points and claws and hooks. and he said -- when they form in the kidneys they don't hurt, but then they pass through a a tiny tube called the ureter, and they just rip through nerves and blood vessels, and so -- [ audience ohs ] i thought i knew pain. i read online. they said the pain of the passing a big one was the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. any woman here done both? [ laughter ] nobody? so -- and here's my argument on behalf of the kidney stone. giving birth, a woman will say, "you know what? i'm about ready to have another child." [ laughter ] you never hear a man say, "well, i've about quit puking and crying. i think i'll drink a case of coca-cola and see if i can work up another." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get one of those stones gearing up. >> and they -- he immediately starts writing me a a prescription for percocet. and i'm like, "dude, i don't take aspirin, i'm not taking percocet." when that thing started moving, i'm eating percocet like they're peanut m&ms. [ laughter ] i went from being dr. oz to keith richards in about three
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: just throwing them down. >> and if you have one, don't go to the -- never go to the hospital, because they just laugh at you. one night the percocet didn't make a dent, and so i said to my wife, "you gotta take me to the hospital." and i get there, and the lady said, "what's wrong with you?" and i said, "i have a kidney stone." well, she kind of laughed. she's like, "hmm. well you gon' be waiting a long time tonight, hun." [ laughter ] and i said, "no, ma'am, you don't understand." i said, "i'm in the worst pain i've ever been in." she said, "well, you just feel like you gon' die, but you're not." [ laughter ] and she gives me the clipboard, so i go to fill out the informa -- i sit in the waiting room. i sit next to a guy that's got a knife in his head. [ laughter ] this guy has got a knife sticking in his head. and i said, "oh, my god, were you in a fight?" he goes, "no, i got a kidney stone. i did this to myself so i can get to the fast track." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. jeff foxworthy! [ cheers and applause] "jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy: we've been thinking" is available now on netflix. more of "the tonight show" after the break.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to jessica alba, jeff foxworthy. [ cheers and applause ] so funny. and the roots right there from philadelphia, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stayed tuned for "late night with seth meyers" thank you so much for watching. have a great weekend, and i hope to see you next week. bye, everybody. thank yo ?
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[ cheers and applause ] ? >> announcer: live from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- from weekend update, colin jost and michael che, author, jessi klein, featuring the 8g band with matt cameron. ? [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers, this is "late night!" [ cheers and applause ] and we're live at 1:18 a.m. how is everybody doing this morning? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. just fantastic hear. let's get to the news. tonight was the final night of the democratic national convention. and hillary clinton finally gave her acceptance speech.

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