tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC January 29, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EST
"the tonight show." this is it. this is why there is a "tonight this. >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is why. the one and only. so excited. i'm your host, jimmy fallon. now, here's what people are talking about. everybody is talking about this powerball drawing tomorrow night. this is huge. it is now up to $800 million. [ cheers ] the pot's gotten so big, even buy a lottery ticket. [ laughter and applause ] it's a good business move." [ laughter ] did you see this? at a rally last night in vermont, donald trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a a trump supporter. but several protesters got in anyway. so keep that in mind next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. [ laughter and applause ] "okay, you can come in, but just you guys. nobody else."
hillary clinton, bernie sanders and martin o'malley shared the stage at a dnc fundraiser. yeah, i think the three of them might have had a little too much fun in vegas. take a look at this. "hangover 4"? [ laughter and applause ] i mean -- fun. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: went for it. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: they went for it. this is interesting, here. i heard an autograph expert has said that hillary clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. for instance, a hillary clinton-signed hat is worth about $1,500, while a a jeb bush-signed hat is worth whatever the hat cost originally minus a few bucks for the jeb bush signature. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] kinda ruined. but then you have it removed and that's a decent hat. >> steve: you'll ruin the hat. >> jimmy: it's a nice hat. >> steve: i was going to wear this. he wrote on it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's an autograph. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: oh, it's been announced south carolina governor nikki haley will be giving the official republican response to obama's state of
it's a tough job, but if you look at the state of the union responses from the last couple years, i'm not sure the bar is set too high. >> the sting of the economy and the frustration with washing -- washington's dysfunction -- >> nothing has frustrated me more than false choices like the one the president laid out tonight. [ laughter ] the choice isn't just between big government or big business. [ laughter ] >> good evening, and happy mardi gras. >> jimmy: that's my favorite one. >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: why did he start that far back? >> steve: i'm gonna start from back here. >> jimmy: you sure you don't want to start closer? you sure you don't -- no, no, i got -- yeah. it's perfect. >> steve: are you sure? that seems kind of far. and now the state of the union [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good evening, and happy mardi gras. [ laughter ] slide in? [ laughter ]
entrance was bad, look at his exit. watch this. [ laughter ] that's how he leaves. [ cheers and applause ] he moonwalks. moonwalked off. >> steve: moonwalking. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i can't. i can't. bobby jindal >> jimmy: hey, this is a big story today. the president of mexico announced that the notorious drug lord, el chapo has been caught. [ audience oohs ] so good news, everybody. mexico is completely safe again. [ laughter and applause ] yeah. we can all go to hang out soon. we got it. don't worry about it. there's this video that went viral, i don't know if you saw this. it made me laugh. it's a kid at disneyland, he was on stage taking part in the park's jedi training academy. and i got to say, the force is pretty strong with this one. [ light laughter ] take a look at this guy. >> very good. oh, that was a good one.
that's some friendly fire. friendly fire. whoa, whoa. [ laughter ] easy, i'm on your side. okay. calm down. good job, young man. well done. all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: then darth vader was like, "kid, where is your father?" [ laughter and applause ] did he think candy was going to come out of one of them or something? >> steve: if candy had nuts in them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true. hey, here's some tech news. [ laughter ] segue. yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: over at the consumer electronics show in las vegas this week, a company debuted a a drone that can carry a a person. people were like, "wow, a a helicopter?"
that's already been invented years ago. we're good. >> steve: got it. >> jimmy: shoulda googled that. yeah. one of the big gadgets this year is the virtual reality headset. everyone's talking about that. one company is actually coming out with a virtual reality it's supposed to be pretty realistic, so check out this guy trying it out for the very -- [ laughter ] for the very first time. watch this. >> there's some naughty america v.r. porn content in here. i'm gonna go check it out. here's your first threesome. whoa, whoa. [ laughter ] i am a porn star. i am a male porn star. oh, my -- oh, my god. they're right there. they are really right there. what do you want? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i just hope he's not like that with actual women.
what do you want?" [ laughter ] then they're like, "we haven't turned it on yet." we have a great show. give it up for the roots right there. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, roots. that was fantastic. guys, come back again next week. this is big. the two current leaders of the 2016 presidential race, donald trump and hillary clinton will be here on the show. [ cheers and applause ] plus, kevin hart, danny devito, khloe kardashian and ray romano will be joining us. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but first, we have a a fantastic show tonight. he's one of the most successful entertainers around. what a nice guy and so talented. i can't wait to talk to him. i love this guy.
[ cheers and applause ] show's crushing it. he's just a good guy. tyler and i are going to play "spin the microphone" with some special surprise guests later on in the show. that's right. plus, he's golden globe-nominated for his great work in the netflix series "narcos." he's amazing in this show. wagner moura is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's so good. and we have stand-up from one of my favorite comedians, iliza shlesinger is going to be >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she's good. she's funny. guys, today's friday, right? >> steve: yeah, it is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: today's friday. friday is when i usually catch up with personal stuff, you know, check my inbox, return some e-mails and of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] and i'm running a bit behind, so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd like to write out my weekly thank you is that cool? is that all right? [ cheers and applause ] you guys are the best. thank you. hey, james, can i have some thank you note writing music,
>> steve: oh, he's sly. >> jimmy: a sly dog. fox. [ laughter ] >> steve: ooh. look how cute he is. >> jimmy: he's a sly little [ laughter ] thank you, new year's resolutions, for being the easiest way to let everyone know what you hate about yourself. [ laughter and applause ] yeah. no more chocolate for me. >> steve: yeah, that's it. >> jimmy: oh, you don't like that? thank you, republicans and mustard, for being the only things that come in mild, spicy, brown, and yellow. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: yeah, come on. >> jimmy: just thought of that. yeah. thank you, man accused of robbing an art museum in illinois and stealing a a sculpture of abraham lincoln's hands. the suspect is described as even more armed.
[ laughter and applause ] yeah. somebody's thinking it. >> jimmy: that one got laughter and a couple boos. >> steve: boos. yeah. [ laughter ] a couple. just a couple. >> jimmy: just a couple. >> steve: just a couple boos. not a lot. >> jimmy: i'll take em. i'll take em. that's nice. thank you, wall street investors, for worrying about how low apple stock is dropping. or as apple put it, "it's lighter and thinner than ever?" [ laughter and applause ] good thing, right? [ laughter ] thank you, hillary clinton, for saying this week that we may have already been visited by aliens from space. and raising the question, if you're willing to say that out loud, what the hell were you hiding in those e-mails? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aliens? >> jimmy: something was in there. >> steve: weird. >> jimmy: this is the final
so please welcome from the international space station, the space oddity himself, astronaut scott kelly, ladies and gentlemen. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how cool is this? how cool is this? >> can i have some thank you music, james? >> jimmy: very nice. >> thank you, living in space for a year, for being the best excuse to click no on facebook invites. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how great is that? >> steve: come on. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: those are my thank you notes. my thank you to scott kelly, all the way from space. [ cheers and applause ] oh, i love him. we'll be right back with tyler perry everybody!
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director, producer, best-selling author, probably other things, too. his show "the haves and the have nots" is one of the most popular cable series on television. and you can see it tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. on own. everyone, please welcome the multitalented tyler perry, ladies and gentlemen! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: love having you back on the show. >> are you kidding me? i love being here with you, man. >> jimmy: oh, you're the best. >> yeah, you're my man crush. >> jimmy: i am? >> you're my man crush. man, i just love you. >> jimmy: i'll say it right back. i love you. >> thank you bro. thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: right back at you pal. we always talk about all sorts of fun things. but one thing i know that you do that i don't think i know anyone that does this, but you
remote control airplanes. >> yeah, little, tiny r.c. planes. it's pretty awesome. >> jimmy: yeah, little tiny -- i have a picture your newest -- >> my newest r.c. plane. my little tiny plane. >> jimmy: all right, i want to talk about this 'cause, you know -- [ laughter ] >> ain't that crazy? >> jimmy: and that's a remote control plane? >> a remote control airbus a380. i got it bad, man. it started off like a nice little hobby. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. >> now it's like cocaine. i can't stop. it's pretty -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like "narcos." >> yeah, right, complete "narcos." complete "narcos." >> jimmy: complete "narcos." >> love that show. >> jimmy: but where -- oh, yeah he's fantastic in it. but, where do you fly it? >> i have a place in georgia that i fly it. >> jimmy: and it's legal? [ light laughter ] >> yeah, it's legal, because it's under a certain weight. so it has to be under a certain weight to be legal. >> jimmy: and how far away does it go? >> as far as you can see it. >> jimmy: that's what i was gonna say. you have to -- you look on an ipad or something to see where you're flying? >> no, you look as far as you can see. if you're watching it in air, you don't want to look at an ipad and fly that. >> jimmy: no, no.
how far it's going. and i just ha i fly. i have so muc something happens, it hits a a tree ra something. i want to get more exciting news than getting a plane. >> yes. >> jimmy: since i have last seen you, you have a >> yes yes. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> yes. a 1-year-old. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. and so do you. >> jimmy: yeah, i do. >> i saw you have two. you have two now. >> jimmy: i have babies. last time we talked about it, you said you're b i said, "no," and you kind of made fun of me. so, did you read books? >> and none of it works. [ laughter ] i read all this information, how to -- threw it all window, man. it does nothing. >> jimmy: it does nothing. >> it d writers out there. just, this is have to learn. you have the inf until you sta asking a man to read directions. we don't want to do t >> jimmy: no you don't want to do it. it doesn't happen. you go, this is not the way the book is telling you. but, have you learned anything from having a 1-year-old baby? >> yes, not to buy toys with noise. [ laughter ] man, i'm telling you, those freakin' -- >> jimmy: it is un -- >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: no, it's unbelievable. >> everything makes noise. i'm like, dude, we got to do something else here. we can't have you with all these toys that make noise. when the batteries start to go
cause if they say, it starts off -- i love you so happy and cheery, right? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> the batteries start to go dead. you kick it in the middle of the night. it goes, "i loathe you." [ laughter ] it's scary, man. >> jimmy: the devil elmo. >> the devil elmo. >> jimmy: the devil possessed elmo like, "tickle me!" [ laughter ] >> right, right. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. tickle me. >> "tickle me, black man!" yeah. [ laughter ] no, man. >> jimmy: "tickle me, black man," is not what it says. tickle me, black man. >> "kick your ass out of here," is what it says. you did not miss out, man. >> jimmy: i want to talk about the show "the haves and have nots." >> yeah. >> jimmy: giant hit. >> huge hit on own. huge hit on own. >> jimmy: tuesdays at 9:00. >> this tuesday's premiere was tuesday night's number one show in all of cable. >> jimmy: i mean, that's insane. congratulations on that. >> thank you, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's super cool. >> we're very happy. we're very happy. >> jimmy: you work hard on that stuff. >> we work very hard. i write every episode myself. you know, we're happy. oprah's happy. it's really great. >> jimmy: yeah. and oprah is the -- also the godmother to your son. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: does she give nice gifts?
her toys didn't make noise. [ laughter ] but, but, but it ended up being a problem. she gave me a basket of books for him. so being the godmother, she gave me a basket of books that'll take him from the crib till off to college. so he has his own book club. no, really. >> jimmy: he does? >> it's called "imman's book club." >> jimmy: that's so great. >> yeah, but now he wants me to read everything to him in the basket. so it's like i'm reading all night. >> jimmy: so it is noise. >> it is noise >> jim yeah. >> in a weird way. >> jimmy: which one is i love yo >> you know, that's me. >> jimmy: tickle me [ laughter ] that's my kid's favorite book. >> tickle me, black m >> jimmy: absolutely. >> oh, yeah. that's the hit right there. >> jimmy: that's something, right? >> that's what we need to do. read nursery rhymes. >> jimmy: we got to present that, right? >> that's right. read nursery rhymes. our own books that we invented for our kids. mine is going to be called, "tickle me black man." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> yeah, you got to come up >> yeah, yeah. "daddy, st it's going to be gr [ laughter ] >> "daddy, what was that noise i heard coming out of the bedroom from you and mommy?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's a good book. that's a good book too. every time -- >> this could go on for hours, you know.
i know. almost too long. i'm going to get out of it. >> especially if it in the bedroom it go on for a long, long, long time. >> jimmy: in some cases, yeah. as you said. [ laughter ] [ applause ] short story. >> short story. short story. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. it's not a picture book, thank goodness. [ laughter ] see where i take it. >> jimmy: every time you come on, we always -- we do remote controls, and do something fun like that. it up. >> okay. >> jimmy: i want to test your singing skills. >> i so want you to do that man. because i saw adam levine. i saw -- all these people. ariana grande, she was killing it in this chair. i'm thinking, why the hell doesn't he ask me to sing something? i don't have to know keys. i don't have to have a great voice. [ cheers and applause ] let's do it. we're going to sing. >> jimmy: tyler perry and i are playing "spin the microphone" with surprise guests when we come back everybody! [ cheers and applause ] wassup? i'm hannibal i'm gonna use samsung pay to get a katz's deli pastrami sandwich. (katz's employees) hey!!! hey what's up? hey can i pay with my phone? you mean like apple pay?
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is all it takes to register so you can vote for our next president. go to registertovotema.com. it's that easy. done. i just registered. that was easy. register today. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, everybody. i am here with the super talented actor, director -- >> singer! >> jimmy: producer -- >> singer! >> jimmy: supermodel -- >> singer! >> jimmy: tyler perry, right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] and we're going to find out if we can add singer to that list, because we're going to play a a game called "spin the microphone." before we begin, we're going to meet two more people to play with us. so, please welcome to the stage the stars of "broad city" on comedy central ilana glazer and abbi jacobson.
thank you, thank you. i love you guys. here. okay. now, here's how the game works. it's basically a musical version of spin the bottle. one of us will spin the microphone. whoever it lands on will have them at random. >> what if you don't know it? >> jimmy: if you don't know it, that makes it more fun. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to wing it and just go for your best. try your best. if the mic lands on you twice, you can choose to have someone else sing the song for you if you want. >> what if it lands on you once? can i choose to have someone -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's not -- you have to sing. now, everyone take your positions. here we go, we're gonna start. this is going to be fun. all right, here we go. since i'm the host, i'm going to spin first, all right? >> of course, you're the host. >> jimmy: that's right. here we go. all right. come on, come on, come on. no whammies. no whammies. no whammies. no, yes! not going to be me. [ light laughter ] congratulations. congratulations.
first. >> love it. >> jimmy: it's the best thing. >> it's my dream. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's see what song you're going to do first. >> oh, my god. >> this -- oh. >> jimmy: "i don't want to wait" by paula cole. the theme from "dawson's creek." >> do it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here we go. go over there. >> let's do it. let's do it. >> jimmy: there you go. roots, whenever you're ready, roots. >> yeah, girl. >> jimmy: yeah, there we go. >> wow. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> a ballad. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. almost. that's the way paula did it. she would hint -- open up your morning light say a little prayer for i you know that if we are to stay alive see the peace in every eye do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do >> jimmy: dawson! she had two babies one was six months one was three in the war of '44 yeah
for our lives to be over i want to know right now when will it be will it be i don't want to wait for our lives to be over will it be yes or will it be sorry [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's like seeing paula cole -- >> paula cole. >> jimmy: yeah, live right there. that was a treat right there. come on. >> that was a great paula abdul. that was great. [ light laughter ] i mean paula cole, sorry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. since you just went, you can spin. it's your turn to spin. great job. >> your turn abbi. >> jimmy: come on, come on. no whammies. >> come on abbala. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: abbala. >> it's gonna go for a while. >> here we go. >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. let's see what song -- let's see what song you'll be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ] the weeknd. "i can't feel my face." >> that's high.
right there. >> that's a high song. high note. you guys got to bring me in. >> jimmy: great song. great song. [ cheers and applause ] and i know you'll be the death of me be numb and she'll always get the worst is yet to come but at least we'll both be beautiful and stay forever young this i know this i know she told me don't worry about it she told me don't worry no more >> too high. she told me you'll never be without it she told me you'll never be alone i can't feel my face when i'm with you
i can't feel my face when i'm with you >> drake! but i love it >> do the drake. but i love it [ cheers and applause ] you used to call me >> jimmy: you drake'd it. [ light laughter ] you drake'd it. >> thank you, thank you very much. thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: that's the drake remix. that was fantastic. >> next time we'll drop the keys somewhere. [ boing ] what was that? sound means. >> no, i don't. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was that you? >> i thought it was you. >> jimmy: it's a very exciting performance. it's time for the duet round. that's right. so whoever the microphone lands on this time gets to choose a a partner to sing with them, okay? >> i get to spin it? >> jimmy: you get to spin it, buddy. [ laughter ] >> is that fair? >> jimmy: let's go. let's do it. what's the song? let's see what song we got
[ audience oohs ] we can do it. i know this one. >> you got it. >> jimmy: bell biv devoe. i don't know the bell or biv part, but i know the devoe part pretty well. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] girl i must warn you i sense something strange in my mind situation looks serious let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time check it out it's driving me out of my mind that's why it's hard for me to find can't get it out of my head miss her kiss her love her wrong move you're dead that girl is poison never trust a big butt and a smile
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can we do one more? >> killer, killer. hey, killer. >> jimmy: that was fantastic. come on, pal. >> killer. never trust a big butt and a a smile. >> jimmy: that's my partner. come on, that's my partner. here we go. here we go. i'm spinning. and yeah. >> come on. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> so i have to do a duet with someone? >> jimmy: yeah. >> cool. me and you. [ cheers and applause ] never trust a big butt and a a smile. what are we doing? >> jimmy: all right, what's the song? what song are we doing? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> i think i'm going to pass on this one. >> jimmy: you can't pass on this one. >> you do high. i'll do the bass part. there's a boy i know he's the one i'm dreaming look into my eyes take me
how will i know don't trust your feelings how will i know how will i know how will i know how will i know if she -- >> jimmy: give it up, everybody, right here. that's all the time we have for "spin the microphone." my thanks to tyler perry, abbi jacobson, ilana glazer. stick around. we'll be right back with wagner moura, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the microsoft cloud allows us to access information the microsoft cloud allows us to scale up. microsoft cloud changes our world dramatically. it wasn't too long ago it would take two weeks to sequence and analyze a genome. now, we
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series "narcos." which currently airs on netflix. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome wagner moura! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wagner. >> it's amazing. >> jimmy: wagner. thank you so much for being on the show. >> dude, you kidding me? so good to be here. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm glad, i'm happy that you're happy to be here. this is great. yeah. that was -- was that acting? >> no, no. >> jimmy: oh, ok. for a second, i thought you went to a dark place. >> jesus christ, no. no, no. >> jimmy: this is good. everything's cool. >> come on, no. >> jimmy: now, i know -- you still, do you live in brazil? >> i do.
i live in rio. have you been there? >> jimmy: no.
>> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we allow two people from -- >> brazilians nearby? >> jimmy: we only allow two brazilians to each show. [ laughter ] >> i know. >> jimmy: nbc thing, sorry. gearing up for the olympics, yeah. here you are now. on your way, you went to las vegas for the first time. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i got to know for the first time, what was the experience like? did you enjoy it, was it odd? >> i didn't understand it. >> jimmy: no. >> i'm still like trying to figure it out. it's like really different. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> i tried to gamble a little, but i just didn't understand the rules. >> jimmy: you don't gamble. they don't have gambling in brazil? >> it's forbidden. >> jimmy: it's forbidden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, i didn't know that. >> it is. >> jimmy: so, you did the macarena. [ laughter ] the forbidden dance. you did the forbidden dance. >> i did a forbidden thing. it didn't work well for me. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> the easiest one was the blackjack, right? the 21. >> jimmy: yeah,
i guess so. >> and i didn't understand. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you didn't understand --
they had to help me out, because i just couldn't. you have these things you have to do with your hand, like this and this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't wave. no one waves. >> and i was trying to be cool. >> jimmy: like driving. >> it didn't work really well. they're like, "do the thing." >> jimmy: waving. yeah. you lost money. >> i lost 60 bucks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. in america -- no, no, no. in america, that's an appetizer. in america, that's an amuse-bouche. that's not even gambling there. >> i didn't want to go further. >> jimmy: you go with the amount of money you want to lose. >> but i did something really cool there. because i've been -- i'm married, but i never got married. i have been living with my wife for 15 years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> we have three kids. and we never got married like properly. >> jimmy: oh.
is -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: bad idea. this is a bad idea. this is an awful idea. >> so, i thought, they said it's kinda cool there, the elvis presley thing -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: please. oh, no. i want to talk to your wife. >> so i proposed. >> jimmy: you proposed to your wife? >> yeah. >> jimmy: did she say yes? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she said, "no." >> she said "no." she said, "are you ridiculous? don't "-- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're not having elvis marry us. >> "what are you thinking?" yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, good. all right. well at least you got it out of the way. you proposed and she said "no." >> she said "no." >> jimmy: so that's perfect. yeah, so at least you have a a good relationship. you have it figured out. [ laughter ] if you don't wanna get married. >> she said "no," yeah. >> jimmy: i'm so happy -- >> she refused. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you know, it happens. look, sometimes you have a a match, and sometimes you're married for 15 years and not really married. and it happens. >> that's what i think, too. >> jimmy: i want to talk about "narcos," because, congrats on the golden globe nomination. >> thank you. >> jimmy: of course you're gonna get nominated.
it's so great. you're so great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i wasn't familiar with you as an actor, which i should have been, but i -- we don't get brazilian channels in the united states. [ light laughter ] in my household, but i watched this thing, and as soon as i saw you, i go, "who is this guy?" you looked unbelievable. you must always speak spanish. >> it was the craziest thing, because the first idea was to do it in english. and i thought that i could speak english with an accent. i could do that. >> jimmy: how did you get -- it's hard, yeah. yeah, how did that cast you? >> i think this is the most, i mean, this is a big case of miscasting. >> jimmy: yeah, it is, yeah. >> one of the biggest miscastings. >> jimmy: i totally disagree. you did not know how to speak spanish? >> i was super skinny. i mean, i was 40 pounds lighter. and i didn't speak a word of spanish. so when they decided to do it, i was like, "these guys are crazy."
pablo escobar. you have to look like that guy. you can't have a new character, "hi, i'm pablo escobar, and how's it going? [ laughter and applause ] and you got any cocaine? [ laughter ] what's going on?" like, no, he's a real person. >> what i did is i flew myself, even before net -- netflix didn't even know i was being considered to play the part. but i flew myself to medellin, to colombia in order to learn spanish. and i put myself in the university, in a spanish course for foreigners. so i was in a class with japanese teenagers. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: how crazy is that. how much weight did you gain? >> 40 pounds. >> jimmy: wow. >> which it's like being in school. learning things and eating delicious foods. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wagner moura, everybody. season one of "narcos" is currently available on netflix. iliza shlesinger performs stand-up for us next.
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i've been -- i've been corrected. i'm sorry. the macarena is not the forbidden dance. [ laughter ] it's the lambata i was thinking about. this is -- but this, however, is forbidden in my house. [ laughter ] not allowed to do it. guys, check us out next week. donald trump, kevin hart, danny devito, hillary clinton, and ray romano will all be here on our show. [ cheers and applause ] so please join us. we're joined right now by a a very funny comedian. on february 5th you can see her performing at the mohegan sun in connecticut. please welcome back to the show iliza shlesinger, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. this is my third time on "the tonight show." and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and the last time i was here, i told you all the legend of the party goblin. and for those of you that don't know, your party goblin is a
the back of your brain. and she is responsible for all the poor decisions you make when you're drunk. [ light laughter ] she's the one back there like, eat that sandwich out of the garbage. [ laughter ] text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off. and you know it's your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. i drank so much the other night, i slept for 15 hours. i slept so long, i almost died. [ laughter ] like, there was a point at around 2:00 p.m. where my soul was like, should i just go? [ laughter ] and you know it's your party goblin that got you when you wake up the next morning and the first thing out of your mouth is, "oh, my god. i'm sorry." like, that's how you know. [ laughter ] i talk a lot about drinking. that's because my generation drinks a lot. we are a generation of drinkers because we are the worst. [ cheers ] yes. we're the millennials.
[ cheers and applause ] great. good job, guys. we're entitled. we're lazy, right? i don't want to be an intern. i just to wanna like blog from a toilet. [ laughter ] and make a lot of money doing it. but the truth is, we inherited this situation from our grandparents. they started this wave of entitlement. here's a history lesson. so your grandparents had to fight in a war. they had no choice. okay. they had no choice. it's not like today where people are allowed to be disenfranchised. in fact, our country does such a good job of defending us, if you don't like the war going on right now, unlike it on facebook. [ laughter ] grandparents had no choice. they were drafted. they were straight up drizafted. when your grandpa came home from cracking skulls in okinawa, all he wanted to do was live the american dream. all your grandpa wanted to do have a life, have a family, be like a little racist, and live the american dream. [ laughter ] it's not like -- they came home, they got -- they came home, they got right to work. it's not like us. no one's grandpa came home and
backpack around oregon and find myself. [ cheers and applause ] no one's grandma came home from helping on the front lines and was just like, i just wanna make jewelry and be a mermaid. [ laughter ] i think that we lack -- snuck up on me. i think that we lack the mental capacity to fully appreciate what they contributed because now they're old. right? and we look at them and we think they're cute. oh, my god, cause they're tiny, shrinking, ever year, pick em up, put it on, they don't like it, right? and the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you've assigned like a weird kitten like nickname to your grandfather. [ laughter ] not just grandpa anymore. it's like this is my nim-nam. [ laughter and applause ] this is my nippers. this is my pip-pop. oh, my god, you guys, double tap. he's so cute. look at my pip-pop. aw. sometimes at christmas when pip-pop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with christmas bows. [ laughter ]
pip-pop got 53 confirmed kills. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] show some respect to pip-pop. that was a strong generation. our generation is not strong. and women get the garbage end of the stick because we're not even physically strong. which is the only strength that counts when it comes to defending yourself. women aren't even physically strong. we're only physically strong when it comes to child birth. and it's really not useful the rest of your life. like it's insane the fact i could, if i chose, push a small human being through my vagina. [ laughter ] yet i lack the upper body strength to execute 20 proper push-ups. that's insane. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] women have to be strong because we put up with a lot. it's hard to be a girl. i haven't been a guy in like a a while. [ laughter ] but we have to withstand a lot of criticism. right?
accomplished as a woman, our looks are always the topic of discussion, our bodies. i can only think from the perspective of an upper middle class white woman, but being thin has been expected of us for way too long. being gaunt to the point of extinction. being the kind of thin where it's like, what up, bitches, find me, right? [ laughter ] it's hard. it wasn't until the last 30 years that women of color and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable to have the body of a grown woman. jennifer lopez came on to the scene with the backside of a a brontosaurus. que paso? [ laughter ] [ applause ] and it became sexy. white women we'll take it. you can criticize us. black women have an unshakable sense of self esteem. they want -- you can tell her anything you don't like about her, she won't believe you. we'll take it as white girls. they're like, i don't like your hair. how can i fix it chad? [ laughter ] please don't get out of the kayak. tell a sister that you don't like something about her.
[ laughter ] she won't buy it. be like, i don't like your she'll be like, bull[ bleep ], i see you looking. [ laughter ] thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. iliza shlesinger right there. [ cheers and applause ] come on. catch her at the mohegan sun february 5th. we'll be right back, everybody. hit a homerun pal.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, i love that. my thanks to tyler perry, ilana glazer, abbi jacobson, wagner moura, iliza shlesinger, right there, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] phenomenal. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody.