tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 28, 2015 11:37pm-12:37am CST
[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- ralph fiennes, second lady of the united states dr. jill biden, music from against me! featuring the 8g band with jon theodore. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, , seth meyers! >> seth: good evening everybody. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is good to hear. let's get to the news. ohio voters yesterday rejected a proposal that would have legalized both recreational and medical marijuana. pot advocates were so devastated that there was hardly a dry
[ laughter ] the failed pro-legalization movement in ohio had drawn criticism by promoting pot with a mascot named buddy, who had the body of a superhero with a clump of marijuana for a head. [ light laughter ] and i think we actually have a picture of buddy. there he is. [ laughter and applause ] there's buddy. donald trump is in trouble after he re-tweeted a post from a twitter follower calling jeb bush jose and showing bush next to a nazi flag. even crazier, the follower he re-tweeted was @realbencarson. [ laughter ] the latest polls show jeb bush has the worst favorability rating of any candidate, democrat or republican. and honestly, i don't quite understand why he's so unpopular.
i mean, he has political experience, he's a decent speaker, he's relatively moderate, he has big donors. [ laughter ] well, i guess we'll never know why he's so unpopular. [ cheers and applause ] it's a mystery. it remains a mystery. bernie sanders said this week that he is extraordinarily proud to represent vermont in the senate, but i think he's just angling to get his own ben & jerry's flavor. [ laughter ] and the great thing about ice cream socialists, there's enough for everybody. [ light laughter ] jeb bush also has his own flavor. vanilla. [ light laughter ] after reports that he is in financial trouble, marco rubio said today that his only debt in the world is the mortgage on his home in miami. well, that and he owes geppetto for turning him into a real boy. [ laughter ] marco rubio pointed out today
gop candidates come from minority backgrounds, which speaks to the diversity of the republican party. and you know what? he's right. rubio is hispanic, ben carson is black and ted cruz is half elf. [ laughter ] today is puff daddy's birthday, or as he calls it, his b-diddy. [ light laughter ] oh, wait, i just heard he's now calling it his sean birthday combs. [ light laughter ] a company has come out with a new waffle maker that cooks batter in the shape of the death star from "star wars." and if you want one, make sure to yell it loud enough for your mom to hear you upstairs. [ laughter ] "i want death star waffles! i want them! it combines my two favorite things! no, not the death star, 'star wars'!
[ laughter ] what do you mean, 'why'? ugh! [ laughter ] yeah, i don't want to come upstairs! [ light laughter ] all right, i'm coming! [ panting ] i'm not coming, i can't do it!" [ cheers and applause ] noted sex expert dr. ruth westheimer this week said she does not endorse threesomes. to which i say, just give me another chance. i was so nervous. [ laughter ] so nervous all the time. obviously you being there raises the stakes so high. [ light laughter ] give me another chance. and finally, a woman in california posted a picture that went viral this weekend showing her engagement ring which her fiance made using a tooth instead of a diamond. even worse, that is his three months' salary. ladies and gentlemen, we have a
[ cheers and applause ] frpm the new james bond film "spectre," one of my favorite actors, ralph fiennes is with us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] she is here to talk about "heads up america," an initiative for free access to two years of community college. the second lady of the united states, dr. jill biden joins us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] and one of my favorite rock bands, against me! is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and they are fantastic. look forward to that. now it was election day yesterday, and residents in houston voted to repeal a citywide non-discrimination law called the houston equal rights ordinance, or h.e.r.o., which attracted national attention. for more on this story, it's time for "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: the h.e.r.o. law had a wide base of support across the country. president obama said he supported it, and a long list of
it, too, including apple, general electric and even hewlett-packard. although hp didn't issue a formal statement because they couldn't get their printer to work. [ laughter ] so what did the law do? it prohibited discrimination in workplaces, housing and public accommodations, such as bathrooms, on the basis of 15 different characteristics, including race, age, and sexual orientation. but it was gender identity that opponents had a problem with. >> let's go to houston, where an ordinance designed to protect the rights of gay and transgender people that drew support from the white house, failed to pass. >> voters reject a proposal to protect lgbt people from discrimination at housing, jobs and other areas. >> opponents said it would allow men, claiming to be women, to use women's bathrooms and pose some kind of risk. >> opponents use the slogan, "no men in women's bathrooms" to fight the proposed law. >> seth: that's right, opponents of the law claimed falsely that the bill would allow anyone of
bathroom they wanted. the idea is known as the bathroom myth and the anti-h.e.r.o. ads focused heavily on it. let's take a look at one. >> steve owns a gym in houston. but if proposition one passes, steve will be forced to open the women's locker room to anyone who claims a female identity. >> seth: first of all, shout out for the poor artist who had to draw that [ bleep ] cartoon. [ laughter ] "we want it to, like, look like a dude who is barely trying to look like a lady, but you can totally still tell he's a dude. give him a ponytail, lot of eye makeup, you get it." [ laughter ] so the ads focused exclusively on the bathroom issue even though the law had nothing to do with that. there's also no evidence that this has ever been a problem in places that do have these laws. but unfortunately the ads worked. as one houston resident told buzzfeed, quote, "the only thing that i have heard is that it allows men who dress up like women going into the ladies room. if a person woke up one day and said, i identify as a woman, he could just go into the bathroom
[ laughter ] you know, i've never been in a woman's restroom, but i'm guessing the booties aren't just out for everyone to look at. if they are, i'm pretty sure you're doing something wrong. [ laughter ] also the restroom is the five minutes of the day you don't want to see the booty. that's when the booty is busy. [ laughter and applause ] more importantly, the idea that you could go into a bathroom and do anything other than use the toilet is already illegal in houston. >> it's already a crime to go into the opposite sex's bathroom in houston unless you're just using the toilet. and it has been for decades. in june, 1972, houston city council made it illegal to use the opposite sex's restroom to cause a disturbance. which could be almost anything other than using the toilet. >> seth: but -- and this is important -- if you cause a disturbance using the toilet,
which is good, because if causing a disturbance while using the toilet in a restroom is illegal, they could lock up chipotle. [ laughter ] we're all at risk. [ applause ] now, it would be wrong to paint houston as an intolerant city. it's not fair. houston's three-term mayor and supporter of the law, annise parker, is openly gay, so how could a city that elected a gay mayor vote against this law? well, according to opponents of the law, such as david welch, a houston pastor, they made a mistake on that election. >> we had allowed a lesbian mayor to be elected because most of the churches were asleep and just didn't care. >> seth: let that be a lesson. doze off in church, and you might wake up to a lesbian mayor. [ laughter ] "but i just closed my eyes during the hymns." doesn't matter, lesbian mayor. [ laughter ] so the scare tactics worked. and the houston law failed, and even worse, opponents of transgender equality are using the same tactics throughout the country that they used in houston.
presidential candidate mike huckabee talking about laws like this one earlier this year. >> now i wish someone had told me when i was in high school that i could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in p.e. i'm pretty sure i would have found my feminine side and said, "coach, i think i'd rather shower with the girls today." >> seth: mike huckabee, you a creep. [ laughter ] for real -- [ cheers and applause ] just to clarify -- just to clarify your position, if it had been legal, you would have gone into the locker room to shower with the girls, and you think they would have just stayed. [ laughter ] anyway, if that sounds cool to any of you, he's running for president. [ laughter ] even simple attempts to accommodate transgender people have come under attack. look at how fox news reacted last year when illinois state university wanted to re-label its family bathrooms as gender-neutral bathrooms, using this symbol to accommodate
fox went out on the street to try to prove that the new signs were confusing and no one took the bait. >> if this was on a door, would you have any idea what this meant? >> maybe a family restroom? >> family restroom, that's exactly right. and now apparently they're going to be known as all-gender restrooms. does that make sense? >> restrooms for both genders. >> that's right. both genders or transgender. >> transgender, that's correct. >> transgender. all right, so -- all right. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] "okay, so i think i -- uhh -- i think i made my point. this is steve doocy. can i come back inside now?" [ laughter ] at the end of the day, campaigns like the one in houston are powerful reminders that for lgbtq people, there's still a lot more work to be done to fight against both discrimination and terrible cartoons. this has been "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night."
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let's take a look. >> mexico city. what were you doing there? >> that's just a coincidence. i was taking some overdue holiday. >> okay, fine. as of morning, you are officially grounded. i'm standing you down from all operations indefinitely. >> very good, sir. >> seth: please welcome back to the show ralph fiennes. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: i'm so excited to have you back. now, this is very important -- >> yes. >> seth: because the first time you were on the show, we talked
film i love a great deal. i talked about -- i got you to commit to an "in bruges" reunion show. >> yes. >> seth: since you did that, colin farrell, in. brendan gleeson, in. i need to make sure -- i'm confirming, i'm re-confirming with you that you're in. >> i'm in. >> seth: okay, great. >> 100%. >> seth: i don't know when we're doing it, but i know we have a ten year anniversary coming up and maybe save the date. i don't know. >> i'll be there. i'll be there. thank you. >> seth: i'm so happy. so this is "james bond." you're playing "m" in this film. you were eight years old the first time you saw a bond film. is this correct? >> yeah, my dad took me to the local cinema to see "on her majesty's secret service." >> seth: excellent. >> and i flipped over it. i loved it. i'd never seen anything like it. but my mum wasn't so approving. she thought james bond was a pathetic male fantasy. [ light laughter ] >> seth: did she tell you that when you came home? that must be such a disappointing thing to hear. >> she had this habit of sort of raising her eyes to heaven in frustration. "oh, bond." [ laughter ] >> seth: which is funny, because that's basically what "m" does with bond throughout the film.
insubordinate and does his own thing. so i think, in the tradition of "m," i think judi dench was always dealing with an insubordinate bond. and i think i've taken on the same -- >> seth: it's very nice -- >> -- problem. >> seth: -- that you get to have all the problems. but this is -- i will say this film is exciting, because as "m," you have a little bit more action in this film. you actually get to participate in some action. >> yeah, and i didn't know that when we started filming. it was one of the longest filming schedules i'd ever experienced. we started in december of 2014 and finished in july of this year. >> seth: wow. >> and i -- the script kept on changing, it kept on evolving all while we were shooting. when i started filming, i had an okay ending. you knowi was ound. i was ing a loof loong. [ lighlaught ] en sudnly got this draft whe i got these ol online and i had a gun in my hand you ow, the ys like that stf. [ light lauger ] >> seth: is very -- it's great. and you look vernatura i'm not ju sayinthat. u lookery naral wi a gun in youhand. you didn looat all le you re scared. >>hat can i say? "in ug", you see >> sh: "in brus", th's right.
very hd aractein tt. yohad a t of g work that i had a gun in myand. >> sh: youid. now diyou --fterou s "bd" wn you we eightdid you by t w, you w on your -- was it " h majes's sret serve"? >> tt's rit. >>eth: t firstne i s -- doou rembe-- it s roger moe bondalled ctopussy." yes. >>eth:hi is >>ow can fget? set i, this day,an't belie that washe tit of a film lauger ] myad sd, "'re ing to go sea 'james bd' movie." d i thght, thas so cl, wh it's lled and heaid, "octopuss" d i wajust -- head went crazy. [ lighlaughter ] i lost mmind. but did u re the books tn, aftethe fact? i knew all the bos inside ou i s a teenage bo nerd. and i could answ -- i cat now, sdon'quiz me. >> set oka i won't. >> i used to know the names all the girls, a all the badds, and everything like that. >>eth: they're ftastic books toead as kid. i readhem well. they're wonderful. was your mom disappointeyou read the boo? >> no, my mum -- because my dad was reading me very traditional british authors -- rudyard kipling, john buchan, robert louis stevenson. it was my bedtime treat, was my dad read to me. which was great. and then i saw t bond film and
he said, "well, i have these books." he showed men the book shelf, there were these hard-back copies of james bond, first edition, "the man with the golden gun." "daddy, daddy, can i -- would you read me 'james bond'?" "yes, of course, i will." so he read me bond, the first installment. i didn't really understand it. of course, i felt i was very grown up, having it read to me. i went to school, came back the next day and my dad was in the garden. he was scything, or mowing the lawn. and i rushed up, "daddy, daddy, can we have 'james bond' tonight?" and he -- "bring me that book." i brought "the man with the golden gun." he ripped it up in front of me. and he threw it over the hedge. i looked very -- i think i must have been very shaken. i said, "what's wrong, daddy?" "go ask your mother, she'll tell you." so, i went to my mother and said, "what's the problem with this book, this 'james bond' book?" she said -- she explained to me that she had done advanced reading in the book, and there's a second chapter where there's a dossier on the villain, called scaramanga, who is a paid assassin.
>> in the dossier it says, "the scaramanga likes to have sex before he kills somebody, because it improves his eyes." [ lit laughter ] and of course, my mother, who was a committed catholic, this was obscene and upsetting. so, no more james bond. [ laughter ] >> seth: what i like to think of is your neighbor seeing a torn upgoldene" itheir lawn a wonding, "oh, , the ennes have had it out again over james bond." [ light laughter ] 20 years ago, i heard that you actually had a meeting about playing james bond, but you believed it was not the right part for you. >> yeah, i mean -- it's the past. i think i had a very happy and constructive discussion with barbara broccoli and i met her dad, cubby broccoli. but in the end, i think, you know -- it didn't happen. i can't tell you why. but i sort of don't think i'm really bond material. >> seth: you were in a film i love, called "the constant gardner", which is john le carre. which i feel like is the opposite fleming, of the british spy books.
in fact, when playing "m," i kind of -- in my imagination, i like to refernece this "m" as a sort of le carre-esque figure. >> seth: yes, well le carre is like completely different -- like, his spies work very slowly. they never have sex with anyone. in fact, while they're working, their wives are having sex with other people. [ laughter ] that's what i sort of love -- when you read one after the other -- >> that's true. >> seth: and it's fantastic. and i think "the constant gardner", which i thought was such a wonderful part as well. it must be fun to play this sort of slow -- >> i love that part. for me, he's a real hero. i thought, this is a man who actually makes a point of not having a gun. >> seth: right. >> and i love that about this character. i love -- he's called justin quayle. he's a british diplomat. and he's not a tough guy at all, but he proves he's tough inside when he chases the killers of his wife just because he wants to do the right thing. 'cause nothing about him is macho, particularly, except he's got an internal strength, an inner-heroism. that's what i thought was very moving about him and the story. >> seth: it was a fantastic film. now you -- i know you do a lot
and recently you were at the venice film festival, and you're promoting a different film. >> yeah. >> seth: and i'd like to show what you did first and then you can explain how it came to this. is that alright? >> am i going to be embarrassed? >> seth: well -- yes. [ laughter ] let's take a look. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so what exactly -- what went down there? >> i think i still had the sort of residue of the role i played in the film, a guy called harry, who's a record producer. and i have a moment in the film where i just dance everywhere. i think in these photo calls, and these -- they're all kind of weird, and all these cameras flashing. and i just thought, "well, i'm going to amuse myself." [ laughter ] >> seth: i was worried, yeah. watching it, i was like, "oh, no, he had a nervous breakdown. he did too much press, and he was on the line, and he had a nervous breakdown." it was nice to see what a wonderful dancer you were. so -- >> i had fun. and i thought, "well, why not have --" otherwise you look so stricken on these things.
>> and they're all yelling your name from different corners of the room. and these things are flashing. and you feel like you're sort of trapped, like a rat in a barrel sometimes. >> seth: also, even when you're very calmly going down -- >> they hate it, they never -- >> seth: the person you just passed starts screaming your name again. even when you've established a pattern. >> i know. >> seth: they're very angry. although, it's still better -- i remember, sort of, when i first was on television, and i would sometimes walk down those lines and you could realize they didn't actually want to take my picture. but out of courtesy, they sort of say my name and then, like, not even take a picture, but just hit the flash a few times. [ light laughter ] i'm like, it's digital, it's not even costing you film. now, sort of when you -- [ laughter ] but nowadays it's different. now they take lots of pictures of me. you also -- is this true, that you're playing the part of "alfred"? that you're gonna voice "alfred"? >> i am. >> seth: in "the lego movie." >> i am. >> seth: this is very exciting. 'cause this is -- when we're talking about great british roles, you certainly have
"alfred, the butler" is really >> i know. i'm very excited. i think alfred might be related to monsieur gustave. >> seth: oh, very good! yes, from "grand budapest." >> "grand budapest hotel." >> seth: oh, that's very nice. because really, it's kind of sad. i was thinking, probably the most famous british character in comic books is the butler to batman. >> yeah. >> seth: that's not fair at all. >> we're a good service industry. [ laughter ] in the u.k. >> seth: you class it up. you class up gotham. if it wasn't for you, that place would be a nightmare. >> we know how to serve tea in the u.k. that. and congratulations on the film. back. reunion. >> i am, i'm here. >> seth: alright, great. >> make it happen. >> seth: ralph fiennes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and imax starting november 6th. dr. jill biden.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a full-time community college professor and the second lady of the united states. she is also a driving force behind "heads up america," a campaign to build support for president obama's plan to provide two years of free community college. please welcome to the show dr. jill biden. [ cheers and applause ] hi there. how are you? >> i'm great. >> seth: i'm so honored to have you here. >> well, thank you. >> seth: this is a very exciting initiative, this "heads up" initiative. >> it is. it is. >> seth: the idea of making community college free for students over the course of two years. why -- explain to us real quick how important this is and why it's so dear to your heart. >> well, i am a community college professor.
years. and i'm still teaching full-time, and so we want to make college affordable and accessible for all americans. so if you have -- [ cheers and applause ] so a lot of college students tonight who are watching go to headsupamerica.us and look it up, because it's for you. it's free for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: very exciting. now, another very exciting thing is you put together a psa and you have some very recognizable faces. and i'd love to show it real quick. >> okay, great. >> seth: here's a look at the psa. >> i'm elaine switser. >> i'm christina thompson. >> i go to community college. >> i go to community college. >> heads up! >> the average college graduate has $28,000 in debt. >> that's great. you're doing good. >> there is a plan to make two years of community college free. >> free. >> free. >> free for those willing to work for it. >> community college! for everyone! >> that means more americans are able to get the knowledge and skills they need -- >> -- to get the job they want. >> join the movement. >> join the movement.
headsupamerica.us. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you got the president. >> yeah. >> seth: that was the president in there. >> that was the president. yes, he's behind it. he's totally behind it. and actually the student who was in that video is in the audience, with her mom. both of them went to community college together. >> seth: oh, welcome! [ cheers and applause ] >> together! >> seth: so happy you guys are here. now, of course, with any initiative, you have people who are, of course, enthusiastically behind it, and then you'll have people who ask, "how do you pay for something like this?" it's supposed to cost $60 billion over the course of 10 years. how do you answer that question of "how will this be paid for?" closes tax loopholes to pay for it. but different states have come up with different initiatives, so different states, like -- cities like chicago and my home state of delaware and philadelphia and tennessee have all come up with their own
different ways to fund it and take it across the country. >> seth: that's excellent. now, you mentioned that you are a community college professor. and i'm so impressed because you are the first second lady in history to still collect a paycheck while your husband was the vice president. >> yes. >> seth: you did not stop working at any point over these last years. >> no. no. i was actually in the classroom one week after the inauguration. >> seth: now, are your students -- are their minds blown when they realize who their teacher is? like, when they see dr. jill biden, are they like, "whoa?" >> no, actually, i think most of my students don't really know that i'm the second lady. [ laughter ] because last semester during the spring semester, i had a girl come in and say, "dr. b, dr. b." she said, "last night i saw you on the television with michelle obama. and i said to my mother, 'mom, mom, there's my english and she said, 'that's the second lady! teacher!'" [ light laughter ] so i found out that most of my students don't even know.
even though the class is called "why the second lady is the most important person to watch." [ laughter ] it's crazy to me that they haven't figured out. it does feel weird saying it, you do not love the title, the "second lady." >> no. >> seth: and i completely understand. >> right. >> seth: it sounds like the title of a jane austen novel. [ laughter ] >> i know, it's, like, so archaic. >> seth: it really is. >> where did they come up with that? >> seth: it doesn't feel like you should be eating with everybody. >> no. no, i like "captain of the vice squad." >> seth: oh, "captain of the vice squad." that's way better. [ cheers and applause ] >> good, they like it, too. >> seth: that, like, rivals the taylor swift squad. i feel like you should have some sort of -- >> oh, yes, i'm right there with taylor swift. >> seth: obviously you stepped into this role of second lady, and i'm sure there is no sort of guidebook as to how to go about it. do they give you protocols when you take this job, as far as, like, "hey, so you are the second lady. you are the caption of vice squad." how do you go about -- >> well, the beauty of it is i can do whatever i want to do. so i have followed my passions
community colleges and for military families. because the bidens are a military family. and michelle is interested in military families, so she and i got together and we formed joining forces, and we go all over america and try to create awareness of the resilience of our american military families. >> seth: i have some photos of -- here's a photo of both families having conversation. and this seems to be you and the first lady having a fun time there. you do seem to genuinely be close. is that the case? although i'm realizing as i asked you wouldn't come clean and tell me if it wasn't. [ laughter ] >> no, yes, i would. i would. >> seth: you would, okay. >> i would come clean. but you know, i think people know michelle. she's fun. she's warm. she's friendly. we travel, like i said, all over the country to visit with military families. and we have a good time together. we just make it fun. so, you know, i love her friendship. >> seth: you're very lucky, and
hear. now, your husband, the vice president, who was a guest on my first show, which was so lovely of him to do, he's known as sort of a prankster. and i hear that you as well -- you have worn disguises in the white house. is this true? >> yes, i have worn several disguises in the white house. >> seth: for what purpose? [ laughter ] what are you trying to get away with? [ laughter ] so when you walk in they're like, "hey, that's the second lady! get back to your little table!" [ laughter ] >> well -- >> seth: "you don't eat with us!" >> actually, it just makes it kind of fun so that people don't recognize me, so i've worn a grinch costume. when we had a press party, i came out in a red wig. they started calling me "rusty." you know, so i've come up with all kinds of costumes. >> seth: that's great. i have something else i have to ask you about. of course, it seems like for a year the question was whether or not the vice president was going to run for president. and he recently announced that
and you said, to some degree, you were upset by that because you thought he would make a great president. >> i still think he'd make a really terrific president. [ cheers and applause ] oh, thank you! thank you. >> seth: with that said, you must have some relief that you don't have to now be spending the next year on this campaign trail, because i don't know if you've been watching the news, it's insane out there. [ laughter ] >> well, you know, actually, i've done 13 campaigns between my son's campaign for attorney general and my husband's campaign for senate and then for vice president. so i'm used to campaigns, so i was up for it. >> seth: okay. >> but it just didn't work out. >> seth: well, i'm so happy that we got eight years of service with him in the white house. either way, it's wonderful. and we were so lucky. and again, i would never call you a second lady. >> oh, thank you. >> seth: i know i said it a few times today, but i never believed that, not for a second. at worst, you were 1b. i've referred to you as that a few times. but even that -- like, i feel like "tied for first." "tied for first."
and i'm hoping that you being on this late night talk show will help with your sort of -- when you go back to school and teach, you'll have more of a profile there. [ laughter ] people will say, "oh, you were on 'late night with seth meyers.'" >> yeah, because who else would be up at 12:30 but college students? >> seth: exactly. right now the people who are watching this are not doing your homework. just think about that. [ laughter ] they're using this as a distraction. thank you so much. it's such an honor to have you here. >> thanks. >> seth: and congratulations on "heads up, america." best of luck with all of it. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: the second lady of the united states -- nay, the "captain of the vice squad." dr. jill biden, everyone. for more information about heads up america visit headsupamerica.us. we'll be right back with music from "against me!" [ cheers and applause ] all: milk! milk! milk! milk! milk! okay! fun's over. aw. aw.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. give it up for the "8g band." how are you guys? [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight on drums from queens of the stone age, jon theodore is with us again. [ cheers and applause ] jon, always a pleasure to have you here. now, do you guys read the news? because i found out -- and i don't know if you do this, too, but a lot of times i've realized i'll just read the headlines.
and i'll just move on to the next one. but the truth is there's really valuable information if you read to the end of an article. let me show you what i'm talking about in a segment we call "last line of the news story." [ applause ] let's get started with some political news. "obama again delays afghanistan troop drawdown." so the top paragraphs explain the u.s. will stop its military that will keep more than 5,000 troops in the country throughout the end of his presidency. so let's go to the last line of the news story. "as he left the press conference, obama flicked his lit cigarette to the ground and muttered, "it's hillary's problem now." [ laughter and applause ] see that? huge quote, if you read all the way to the end of the news story. turning towards travel news, "dogs and cats can now go choo-choo. amtrak tests pets on the rails." so amtrak will start testing a program next year allowing people to bring dogs and cats on trains for a six-month trial program.
"amtrak president joseph h. boardman was very upbeat about the new program saying, 'so now you can have all the great service of amtrak plus a car loaded with random dogs and cats.'" [ laughter and applause ] up next, some college news, editorial. "sorry, malia obama." so brown universtiy student newspaper issued an apology to malia obama after it published a photo showed the next daughter standing next to a beer pong table during her college visit. let's go to the last line of the news story. "in closing, the editorial board of the 'brown daily herald' would like to reflect on how weak-ass and rachet it was to publish those pics. it is our firm belief that the privacy of every student is mad important. as we continue to promote campus life that is bleak as hell, sometimes when you're on that journalism grind, you make mistakes. in conclusion, swerve, swag money, and turn up. those solo cups, doe. the 'brown daily herald.'" [ laughter and applause ] it's nice of them to apologize. in science news, gene editing could make pig-to-human organ
so according to a new study, a technique could remove the hurdles for animals to be organ donors for humans. let's go down to the last line of the news story. "'could'? oh, i already gave myself one,' said pennsylvania pig farmer alan caldwell, the man with the corkscrew penis." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] sticking with science news, people who order coffee black are more likely to be psychopaths. so a recent study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to possess pyschotic personality traits. let's go to the last line of the news story. "'i don't think that's true at all,' said republican presidential candidate, dr. ben carson, who then took a giant gulp of black coffee from his mug. 'now, here are my thoughts on muslims.'" [ laughter ] and finally, on meat news, "'processed meats do cause cancer,' says w.h.o. the world health organization said that beef, lamb, pork, and processed meats, like bacon, can cure cancer. let's go down to the last line of the story. "'so first, alan caldwell of pennsylvania takes my penis and
said a local pig." "'what a week. oink.'" [ laughter ] this has been "last line of the news story." we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] this is the time the time for harmony let love be the song that everybody sings fill the air with joyful noise ring the bells and raise your voice let there be peace on earth let there be peace on earth olay regenerist renews from within, plumping surface cells for a dramatic transformation without the need for fillers with olay, you age less so you can be ageless
hi everybody it's alexandra gert! and this is my after holiday haul. i got some really great stuff at old navy... sweater. shut the door! everything in the store is up to 75% off. wait, seventy, five! you, go to old navy! yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning?
it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. fact. when emergency room doctors choose an otc pain reliever for their patients muscle, back and joint pain. the medicine in advil is their #1 choice. nothing is stronger on tough pain than advil. relief doesn't get any better than this.
all dressed up and nowhere to go walking the streets all alone another night to wish you could forget making yourself up as you go along who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home does god bless your transsexual heart true trans soul rebel
you're already dead you sleep with a gun beside you in bed you follow it through to the obvious end slit your veins wide open you bleed it out who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home does god bless your transsexual heart true trans soul rebel you should've
you should've been a wife you should've been gone from here years ago you should be living a different life who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home who's gonna take you home tonighte who's gonna take you home who's gonna take you home tonight who's gonna take you home does god bless your transsexual heart true trans soul rebel true trans soul rebel [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: against me!