tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 27, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
>> thank you for watching. thanks for coming. thank you. thank you. that was very kind. you know, tonight after all the speculation and the campaigning and craziness and this unprecedented cartoonish election, we seem to be down to two candidates, hillary clinton and donald trump, who almost -- [ laughter ] i don't know why. nobody seems to like them, but they're both way ahead in the delegate count. while it's not officially over, it's over. everyone knows it except kasich, sanders and cruz. at this point the only chance they have of stopping clinton and trump is an angry beyonce with a baseball bat, but they're not giving up. and ted cruz, you almost have to hand it to ted cruz. even though he los
primaries, today he named a running mate. he named carly fiorina as his running mate. for what, i don't know. maybe they plan to go running together. i don't know. [ applause ] what a phone call that must have been. carly, would you like to lose to donald trump together? cruz lost every state last night. states he very much needed to win. the next day he wakes up and gathers people and says hey, everybody, say hello to my new vice president. >> ladies and gentlemen, this is the fight of our times. ted cruz is the man to lead that fight. i will stand proudly by his side. i want you to stand with us as we fight. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back the next president of the united states, ted cruz.
♪ >> what are they celebrating? what are they doing and what is that music? [ applause ] that music, that means it's all you need to know about this campaign. it's not even time to pick a vice president. she might as well name him vice president as well. cruz has been campaigning hard in indiana where basketball is a hugely important thing in indiana. he held a rally in the gymnasium where they shot the movies hoosiers, one of the most beloved sports movies ever. he's in indiana, a state he wants to win, the cradle of basketball in the united states, the birthplace of larry bird. he's in the gym where they shot what might be the greatest basketball movie ever, a movie he claims to love and then he says this. >> the amazing thing is that basketball ring here in indiana, it's
new york city and everywhere place. >> that basketball ring. that's a hoop. that's not -- who calls it a basketball ring? you know what? until now i thought ted cruz wa he could be president. now i think he's an alien trying to convince us he's a human being. i've never heard anybody call a basketball hoop a ring, but maybe that's just me. so we went out in the street and we asked people what do you throw a basketball into to see
>> basketball hoop. >> a hoop. >> a hoop. >> a hoop. >> what do you throw a basketball into? >> a basketball. >> a hoop. >> what do you call this? >> a hoop. >> a hoop. >> what would you call this? >> a basketball hoop. >> a hoop. >> a basketball hoop. >> a hoop. >> a basketball hoop. >> a hoop. >> a hoop. >> a hoop. >> definitely a hoop. >> what do you throw a basketball into? >> a hoop. >> what would you call this? >> a hoop. >> would you ever call that a ring? >> no. >> great. thanks. >> that's it? you guys are earning your money today. >> you know, no one said ring, no one. meanwhile ted cruz isn't the only candidate suffering from a bout of delusion. sanders offered elizabeth warren to be his
bernie said the women of this country understand it would be a great idea to have a woman as vice president. yeah, or as president, right? i mean, some would argue that would be better than vice. it's a tough night for bernie sanders. his campaign right now is about as alive as the campaign from weekend at bernies. he's vowed to keep running or at least mall walking. today the sanders campaign announced they're downsizing and firing hundreds of people, but he's vowed to stay in the race until the race ends in june or until his life ends. i'm trying to say he's old. there was a miscommunication, i guess. donald trump said he considers himself to be the presumptive nominee which is something he would consider himself to be whether he was win organization not. in this case he is. he gave a major foreign policy speech in
obviously an effort to appear more presidential. he even used a telepropter. it may have been a mistake. >> businesses don't succeed when they lose sight of their core interests and neither do countries. look what happened in the 90s. our embassies in kenya and tanzania. >> meanwhile, this is, have you been following what's going on with dennis. this is not a big story, but he's the sformer speaker of the house. he was committed to jail for bank fraud. he paid it to a man he molested. there were a number of boys. the judge today called him a serial child molester. he was speaker of the
1999 to 2007 during which time he called to put repeat child molesters in jail for the rest of their lives. today he got 15 months for that. he's also the who led the impeachment of clinton, presumably because it was consensual sex with a woman. a squat of investigators should be sent to his house to investigate what he's up to. they always seem to be up to something. but this is maybe the most shocking part. a number of individuals, 60 people wrote letters of the judge on his behalf to help reduce his sentence, and it wasn't just family members. one of them was the former house majority leader tom delay. he wrote when he became speaker of the house he started a bible study everwe
we studied god's word. i know his heart. we all have our flaws but dennis has very few. just one, really, it's a big one. other than that, great guy. he doesn't deserve what he's going through. i ask that you consider the man before you and give him leniency. >> he abused at least five boys when he was their wrestling coach. he had a reclining shower set up in front of the showers to watch them watch showers. jarod from subway is going why didn't i run for speaker of the house? 15 months. good people running in this country. maybe things will change as the new generation -- according to the u.s. census bureau, millennials have dethroned baby boomers as the largest generation. baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964.
button at the exact moment like whack a home. google said think of them as little video ads. hike haikus. they're calling the new feature called f youtube. these companies create something we love and then once we love them, they try to figure out how to make them suck. we're going to take a break. when we come back from the break, one of these people is a mystery person from my past. i have no idea which one or who from my past, but when we return, i'm going to go through my memory and try to guess who it is in a game called blast from the past. it's fun. stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ that's not fair, he should give you your rollerblades back.
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♪ >> welcome back. right now it's time to dive deep into my soul. we're going to play blast from the past. this is a game, really, i'm the only player. we've got six people up on our big screen. we're supposed to have aleight. we weren't able to get them all. five of these people are strangers to me. five of these people, as far as i know, i've never seen any of them before, but one of them i have known before. this is the so-called blast from the past, someone i used to know from somewhere. my family, my staff, especially the family members who work on the set found this individual to challenge me. i have a pretty good memory when it comes to people. last
think, like, six people before i finally got to the seventh one, but i'm going to do better this time. here we go. the last time it was a girl i went to high school with. this time it could be anybody. let me look at all of you and let me see if i know your faces and if anything rings a bell. okay. you know, i got to tell you, and no offense to you guys, but you only realize how old you are when you see your friends. [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. let's see. all right. all right. you know, i feel like i know all of you for some reason. i'm not sure why. all right. first of all i'm going to say, i think it's number three. number three, what is your name and where are you from? >> hey, jimmy. my name is dave. i'm from southville, michigan, north of detroit.
from there. do i know you? >> jimmy, i am not the blast from your past. >> jimmy: you are not the blast from my past? may i ask you about the personalized license plate collection you have hanging on your wall, it says tigers tigers. >> yes. detroit tigers. i got extras autographed over the years. >> jimmy: touchy class in the home. i'm assuming you're not married. >> i'm sorry. did i dial a date again? >> jimmy: dave, thank you. once again, i'm terrible at this game. okay, i'm going to switch gears here. i'm going to go with number four. number four, are you the person from my past? >> well, my name is dave. you know? just got to go with the theme. >> jimmy: what is your name? >> it's heather. i'm from philadelphia. >> jimmy: i notice you have bradley coo
the background there. >> got to represent. >> jimmy: that's right. he's from philadelphia. do i know you? >> hm. no. sorry. you'd like to know me, though. >> jimmy: i should have guessed that it wouldn't have been a female. yeah. all right. well, thank you very much. and, well, we only have what? i've gone through half of them. next i'm going to go with number six. number six, what is your name, first of all, i will ask. >> my name is scott and i'm from austin, texas. >> jimmy: i've been to austin texas a few times. do i know you, scott? >> you almost know me but not quite, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. oh, this is terrible. all right. thanks, scott. only two more. all right. i got to choose between number one and number five. i'm going to go with number one. number one, what is your name,
number one? >> that's for me to know and you to find out. >> jimmy: number one, are you the person from my past? >> yes. >> jimmy: oh, all right. mysterious. all right. interesting. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what the hell? did we ever work together? >> no. >> jimmy: have you ever met my mother? >> maybe but i'm not sure. >> jimmy: did i know you in las vegas? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay. did we go to school together? >> no. >> jimmy: we didn't work together? we didn't go to school together. um, did i pick you up on a street corner? have you ever been in my car? >> no. >> jimmy: huh. we didn't go to school together. we didn't work together. were we neighbors?
>> jimmy: well, i'm out of questions. [ laughter ] [ applause ] do you know who this guy is? >> would you like a hint? >> jimmy: yeah, what's your name? give me a hint, yeah. >> there's a picture. >> jimmy: oh, my god. i know. you're ken, right? are you ken? >> yep. yes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: ken, this is great. ken, i don't want to hurt your feelings, but ken was in our singing group at church named "new life" by the way. great title. ken was such a bad singer we used to turn his mike off and we didn't know it was off. ken, is that, do you recall that?
but i do remember you putting a bike up in a tree. >> jimmy: we also put ken's bike up in a tree once. >> it wasn't my bike. >> jimmy: i believe our mutual friend did that. you live in oklahoma now? >> yes. >> jimmy: are you still singing? will you sing a little something for us just so america can get a sense? [ applause ] >> jimmy: one of the old songs we used to sing in the group maybe. you know? >> did we ever do amazing grace? >> jimmy: we never did that one, but that's fine. ♪ amazing grace how sweet the sound ♪ ♪ that saved a wretch like me >> jimmy: you got better, ken. you got a lot better. ken martin, everybody, from
oklahoma. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, it is a two john night. john mellencamp is here, and we'll be right back with johnny knoxville. ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live!" are brought to you by jaguar. the art of performance. this is a fingerprint. and with touch id it does way more than unlock your phone. it logs you into things, like ur bank account. see what i mean? it checks you into your flight.
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♪ >> jimmy: tonight, here to chat and play some music too, john mellencamp is here. he's great. john is receiving the founders award from ascap tonight. even i have been not been awarded that award. tomorrow night, chadwick boseman, chris hardwick, robert randolph, and nick jonas featuring tove lo. >> jimmy: our first guest is an actor, producer and entertainer who measures success not with awards, but by the number of herniated discs he's ruptured. he plays memphis mafia member sonny west in "elvis and nixon"" it's in theaters now. please say hello to johnny knoxville. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: always feel i should ask how is your body. any concussions or catheters or bags on you? >> no catheters. i got another herniated disk. when you get those the doctor writes you a subscription to make you feel better. >> jimmy: oh, i see. so you have a herniated -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: and are you -- >> like glaucoma. >> jimmy: are you feeling better right now? >> yeah. i'm feeling great tonight. >> jimmy: are those days behind you, the days of injurying yourself for the days of entertainment of others? >> i don't think so. i hate to say it but i like it. >> jimmy: how was your trip to japan? last i talked to you you were going. was that a work or fun trip?
it was a work trip, but i went over there to research a film with a friend of mine, and the subject matter, we were, you know, covering in the film we had to really seek out the underbelly of japan, jimmy. >> jimmy: i see. this is what you told your wife. [ laughter ] >> she's backstage. >> jimmy: i mean -- >> no. japan is very specific in everything they do, and even -- do you know the hostess bars there? >> jimmy: no. cup cakes? >> no, basically it's either girl or guy hostess bar. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> you go in and sit with the host or hostess and order as much booze as you can and drive up the bill. >> jimmy: they flirt with you? >> they'll flirt with you, but it's all very polite. they just want to drive up the bill. we found this one place that they didn't care if you ordered any booze
it was hostesses that were very reuben-esque. you know, large, beautiful women, and they just wanted you to buy them food. [ laughter ] >> hamburgers, french fries, but the crystal bottle at that place was a two foot tall chicken tower. >> jimmy: this is your picture? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you ordered this and you ate it or they ate it? >> that is mayonnaise. they eat it in front of you. they perform a song, and then they play another song, and they devour the chicken in front of you. >> jimmy: really? >> and they get really angry if someone grabs their chicken. they were fighting over the food. it was amazing. >> jimmy: really? i feel like that's what i should be doing for a living. i could eat that tower, no problem. how many people ate it? >> it was three young ladies devoured the fried chicken tower. they wanted more, and we bought them a little more, and we left
polite and followed us out. i'm like no, it's fine. thank you. and they hit down and as soon as the door closes, they start jumping up and down on the elevator, and they go in about 200 soaking wet a piece. i'm not nervous usually, but i was like no, no, no. i thought we were going down. >> jimmy: when johnny knoxville says no, no, no, something crazy is definitely going on. >> they were very athletic. >> jimmy: is that part of the fun? >> i don't know. i was terrified. i thought this is how i'm going to die in an elevator. >> jimmy: you went to do research and you seem to have learned almost nothing. >> work, work, work. >> jimmy: by the way, we set this up for you as well. this thing i did, and i still, my mind is still reeling. i have 1 10,000 questions about the guy i found from my past. >> that guy is something else. >> jimmy: i heard you have a good memory.
>> jimmy: okay. i'm not going to tell you who we contacted or spoke to. i don't want to give you any hints. up on the screen -- how many people? we have a take a break. >> jimmy: we'll play "blast from the past" with johnny knoxville after this. ♪ with advil liqui-gels, you'll ask what body aches? what knee pain? what sore elbow? what joint pain? advil liqui-gels are so fast, they make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil liqui-gels the world's #1 choice what pain? advil. howto choose one?sed simple. you don't. at red lobster's create your own seafood trios,
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>> jimmy: johnny knoxville! "elvis & nixon" is in theaters now. >> was this movie inspired by the photograph. >> elvis gets in trouble with priscilla and kernel tom for spending too much money at christmas. he goes and gets a federal agents at large badge in d.c. it doesn't exist, but he loved shiny badges. he had one from the memphis police. >> jimmy: who doesn't love a shiny badge? this is the result of that journey. he went to the white house to meet nixon. >> with a gun
and shows up and says with a letter about wanting to talk to the president. he wanted to be an undercover narcotics agent. >> jimmy: yeah, i bet me did. wow. why didn't he just say he had a ruptured disk or what is it you tell people? >> hearniated disk. >> jimmy: here we go. we have four people on the screen. three of these people you don't know. one of them you do know from the past. now, looking at these people, i feel like any one of them could be somebody you know or knew or something. but look at their faces very closely and see if anything rings a bell. okay? >> okay. well, i'm a big fan of rick reuben. i don't know why. hey, man. okay. let me look. all right. i am unstumpable. >> jimmy: you know what's we
rick reuben is here and backstage tonight. i'm not even kidding. >> okay. number -- okay, let's go with number two. >> jimmy: number two. all right. the man with the beard. number two. >> he went away. >> jimmy: number two. >> there he is. >> jimmy: are you johnny knoxville's mystery acquaintance? >> no, i'm not. >> jimmy: oh. hey, i see you got a -- are you a fly fisherman? what's that net going back there? >> yeah. it's used for something. >> jimmy: it's used for something. well. [ laughter ] >> uncomfortable. >> jimmy: that's not the guy. next we have -- >> i'm going to go with the young lady, yeah. i'm feeling pretty confident. >> jimmy: are you the person from johnny knoxville's past? >> yes, i am. >> jimmy:
[ applause ] >> jimmy: yes, she is. so now you grot to figure out wo she is. >> i'm just looking at myself right now. there she is. let's see. now, where are you from? where do you live? >> jimmy: where do you live? >> los angeles. >> jimmy: los angeles. that's where we live. >> right. right. that's very interesting. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> are you getting nervous now that this could be something you don't want to talk about? >> yes. did we meet in a bar? >> no, we didn't meet in a bar. >> thank goodness. >> jimmy: but in a way you're on the right track in a bit of a way. do you know who this is? >> did you get arrested because of me? >> yes, i did.
[ applause ] >> i am so sorry about that. >> jimmy: this is vena. tell us what happened, why you got arrested because of johnny. >> well, we dressed him up in a county jail outfit and sent him into a hardware store with handcuffs on, and the police came, and it was a big, big mess. >> jimmy: and everyone else fled, isn't that correct? >> yeah. spike joan jones was the first one to flee, and i was handcuffed with guns to my head, and so she -- you know, she was sand d standing there, so they thought they should arrest her. >> jimmy: she got arrested and you didn't? >> i didn't. >> jimmy: and who got charmed with the crime? what crime was it? >> that was me. putting the people of west hollywood in extreme danger.
>> mtv couldn't shoot in west ha hollywood for ten or 15 years after. >> jimmy: were you put in jail? >> they hired an entertainment attorney but the city was so missed that they had to replace them with a criminal attorney. >> sorry. >> jimmy: have you committed any crimes since that time or have you been a model citizen? >> i've been a model citizen, permits and all. >> you always forget the permit. >> jimmy: it's one thing to get arrested for johnny nknoxville, but then for him not to remember you years later. >> it's all good. >> jimmy: thank you, vena. thank you for bag part of this. >> my pleasure. >> jimmy: johnny knoxville! "elvis & nixon" is in theaters now. we'll be right back with john mellencamp. ♪
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legendary singer and songwriter who is the reason i painted my house pink. he's one of our great american singer/songwriters with a new tour called "plain spoken" in the works. please say hello to john mellencamp. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i thought tomorrow was bring your daughter to workday. i didn't realize it came so fast. >> granddaughter. >> jimmy: all right. >> she's a bum. she follows me around when i'm in l.a. >> jimmy: she's adorable. she looks just like you. >> poor thing. >> jimmy: do you feel like you look like your grandpa? yeah, you do. what d
>> what do you call me? old man. >> jimmy: old man, that's what i thought she said. i didn't want to jump in on that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she's very, very cute. in case she wants to talk, i'll live you that microphone that way we can hear her. did you know your old man is getting a big award? do you know what ascap is? you do. what is it? oh, you don't know what it is, do you? this award, i'm going to run some of the names. these are some artists that children of your granddaughter's danger would be impressed by. paul mccartney. no. stevie wonder. bob dylan. she doesn't know any of these people. [ applause ] >> jimmy: are you excited about this award? >> um,
>> jimmy: bob dylan is a friend of yours. is that correct? >> bob and i are friendly, sure. and i've done a lot of shows with him, and, you know, we know each other. >> jimmy: you've worked together many times. you directed a music video for him, right? >> yeah. he called me up, i don't know, 19 91, 91 and he says you know, your videos don't make you look stupid. can you make one with me that doesn't make me look stupid? i said i don't know, i'll try. >> jimmy: did you come up with a concept and pitch it? >> no. he trusted me and he came to indiana and he made it in indiana. >> jimmy: was that intimidating to you. did he stay at your house? he did. you made up the guest room for bob? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: what's it like to hang out with bob? i don't know. he seems very serious and maybe kind of like he has his own thing going on and nobody else is invited. >> he's the funniest guy i er
met. >> jimmy: he is? really. >> he's hysterical. >> jimmy: is he really or are you putting me on? >> he's funny. a great sense of humor. >> jimmy: he does? >> yeah. that's what we do together. we smoke together and tease each other. >> jimmy: smoking and teasing. that should be the name of the next tour you do together. [ applause ] >> jimmy: are you having fun? what are all these people doing here? do you know we're on tv right now? do you watch television? you don't? that's good. television is really bad for your brain. [ laughter ] it'll turn you into a monkey if you're not careful, you know. >> she thinks i'm a tough guy. >> jimmy: sure. you're grandpa. when you were writing songs now, you've been doing it far long time. do you find it gets harder or easier to write new songs? >> there's not a matter of harder and easier. it's just a matter of
in -- available for the songs. >> jimmy: what does that mean j available for the song? >> when you're writing songs, i get into a place where you're writing and thoughts start coming through you. sometimes i write a song and just look up and go thank you. because i really had nothing to do with it. you know? it just came through me, and i wrote it down as fast -- >> jimmy: what's a song you can think of that came through you like a lightning bolt? >> tons of them. >> jimmy: are there songs you decided now i can't play this song anymore? i've played it. i know people want to hear it, but i don't want to play it anymore? >> yeah. i'm cantankerous about that. >> jimmy: is there one in particular? >> i'm playing one tonight for you. >> jimmy: you are? [ applause ] >> jimmy: one of my favorite songs is "ain't even
i love that song. i know we don't have the full set up for that. your granddaughter is stealing the show. >> sit quietly, okay? okay? all right. >> jimmy: she's so good. i was a monster at that age. i don't know if you saw the show earlier. >> come over and sit with me. >> jimmy: sit there. do you like hearing your grandpa sing? >> yeah, she does. >> jimmy: seems like she has mixed feelings about it. i don't know. what's your favorite song that your grandpa sings? >> sing some of it. >> peepaa songs. >> jimmy: that's another good name for a tour. your tour is starting in october. is that when you're going to start? >> i've already done $100 and some shows. the last part of the tour starts so we'll do 140 shows. >> jimmy: do you sti
i had to figure out -- i was on the beer and circus tour for a while. you came to see me once when i was. >> jimmy: a coupling of times. >> i couldn't do that anymore. >> jimmy: you couldn't? >> i didn't like it. >> jimmy: was it the beer or the circus that you had a problem with? >> the whole thing. >> jimmy: all right. we're going to take a break and you have something interesting planned. this will not be our typical performance. i'm going to go sit in the studio audience. >> sit right here. i'm not going to sing to you. you can sing along. she's going to sing along. >> jimmy: i can sit on your lap like your granddaughter. >> jimmy: john mellencamp! john's "plain spoken tour" resumes october 11th in worcester, massachusetts. john mellencamp sings for us when we return. ♪
♪ >> jimmy: i'd like to thank johnny knoxville and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, you can see him on the "plain spoken tour," starting october 11th in worcester, massachusetts, here to sing "jack and diane," he's very sick of this song. this is a labor of love right here. john mellencamp! ♪
jack and diane two american kids growing up in the heartland ♪ ♪ jackie gonna be a football star diane debutante backseat of jackie's car ♪ ♪ ♪ oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ ♪ jackies in the back, mixes his thoughts for the moment ♪ ♪ scratches his head and does
d di an run off to the city and says you ain't missing nothing ♪ ♪ and jackie says oh yeah life goes on ♪ ♪ long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ oh yeah life goes on ♪ long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ ♪ so let it rock, let it roll ♪ let your bible belt and save my soul ♪ ♪ hold onto 16 as long as you can ♪ ♪ coming around real soon to make us women and men ♪
♪ ♪ oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ oh yeah life goes on ♪ long after the thrill of living is gone ♪ ♪ about jack and dianne ♪ to american kids just doing the best they can ♪ ♪ >> there's nothing better than hearing a four-year-old sing about the thrill of life. john mellencamp, e
good night. >> this is a special edition of "nightlin "nightline." bring back our girls. the stolen speak. >> tonight, boko haram terror. the missing girls. we go to the front lines in africa tonight. >> we're loading up to go further north to a jihadi hot bed looking for the stolen girls and thousands of others taken, some into sexual slavery. >> these guys show up and say i have a choice. i'm going to kill you or you can marry me. >> carrying a bible or going to school can be a death warrant. children not just victims but weapons, suicide bombers. new details about the tactics used by the terrorists who pledge their allegiance