tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 23, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
big week for us here at the show. we have some very big named guests including donald trump on wednesday and bernie sanders on thursday. by friday morning, i could be the presumptive vice president for both major parties. [ applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show for you tonight. johnny depp is here tonight on the program. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he was here. now you've scared him away. also to chat and sing for us on hollywood boulevard, pink is here with us. this is an exceptionally important night here at abc. earlier we had a fresh new season of the bachelor et as we try to spread hpv throughout the land. the new bachelorette is joe joe. tonight she met 26
to widl it down. usually they widl them down by their jobs. a realtor or personal trainer. that's most of their jobs. but some of them don't seem to work at all. that's a great kind of guy to set someone up with in the first place. jo jo, this is dale, and if it works out, you'll be paying for his denneinners in. when they don't have a job, they give them a title. like brandon. his job appears to be hip center. parents must be proud. this is danielle. his job is canadian. a lot of canadians go pro. i read his bio. daniel, i learned, doesn't have any tattoos on his body for the same reason you don't put stickers on a
kidding, but i don't think he is. this contestant is listed as a bachelor super fan. that's code for gay, right? i mean, the best job title, the best one is evan, a former pastor who now helps people in a different way. >> i'm a director who helps men who have erectile dysfunction and -- it really helps people. >> they blurred the guy. why would they let them film him in the first place? we have a special device that can reveal the true identity of any scrambled head you see on tv. let's fire it up. >> i help men who have erectile dysfunction and low testoster e testosterone. >> it's a h
people. >> there you go. are you feeling better you? was evan able to help? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: sometimes he doesn't know what he's shooting and then he finds out after. people who watch the bachelor watch with a lot of passion. kind of like the way guys watch sports. last night i was watching the show with my wife. she'd say something and i'd say what, she'd say i wasn't talking to you. we were the only two people in the house. she was talking to the tv set. we had a fight about it. i said, i can't tell if you're talking to me or the show, so don't talk to the show. she said i'm not physically capable of not talking to the tv during the bachelorette. emotions were running very high, and this goes on with a lot of people. even the bachelorette, it turns out she watches the show just like you. ♪
married. do not kiss him. he is not there for the right reasons. oh, she wants him. nice tie. go hang yourself with it. oh, she's not even into him. put a shirt on. she doesn't even know what to do right now. she doesn't even know what to do right now because his tongue is going crazy. that is so sweet. [ bleep ] all of you guys. oh, what a cheese ball. this girl is an idiot. oh, my god. i hate this show. oh, i love this show. oh, god. oh, uh-huh. uh-uh. [ laughter ] >> send his ass home. don't pick him. no. no. no. don't give him the rose. no, jo jo, jo.
rose. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: you tell yourself, jo jo. so it's time now for me to put my bachelor powers to the test. i should be honest and say it's my wife's powers. my wife molly correctly picked three of the four last winners on the day of the premier. once she picked it just from the photo they provided of the cast, and then i went on tv and took credit for it, but she always gets the finalist right. let's get to it right now. the final four this season will be green bay quarter packers, younger brother jordan. a former football player. she said she likes his butt. that is important. jordan makes the final four. next we have chase, another good looking guy. he gave a lot of testimonials and they showed his reactions a lot. those are good clues he'll be in it for a
next, robbie. he says ma'am. that will get him to the fantasy suite. and then finally luke. he showed up on a unicorn. here's from austin texas, so she can say y'all around him. the final four will be jordan, chase, robbie and luke, and the winner, the one who will be the one two whomhe will get engaged -- can i get a drum roll? jordan. jo jo will choose jordan. ♪ >> jimmy: jo jo will pick jordan and then they'll break up four and a half months later. we have spoken. it has been said, and may god have mercy on us all. did any of you -- i know a lot of you were on vacation. did you watch game of thrown thrones last night?
there was a major revelation involving a major character without going into specifics, i will say things might have turned out differently if they just had one of these. now i know who really watched the show. there was a lot of chatter about this on social media last night, too much. in fact, as your future vice president, i feel compelled to say something. can i get my podium, please? yes, yes. thank you. [ applause ] my fellow americans, especially those who watch game of thrones, the vast majority of civilized people agree that spoiling a surprise in a tv show is inappropriate, especially on the night the show airs. it's unacceptable and those who do it deserve to be punished. but there's another problem which i call the nonspoiler spoiler. this is when people go on twitter or facebook and say something big happens
maybe even dropped hints about what that something might be. these are a couple of examples from facebook last night. don't you dare ever f eeing hold the door for me last night. and this one. hold the door. hold the door. even if you don't mention specifically what happens, you've planted a seed in my brain the whole episode, and when it does happen it's not a surprise. here's a tip. if you can't even, don't even. be quiet. don't write anything. [ applause ] >> i'll tell you something. when i am vice president, we'll shut down the internet for four hours on sunday nights so no one can do it. remove my podium. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. we're going to take a break. when we come back, i think you're going to like this, the exciting season premier of our reality dat
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. johnny depp and pink are on the way. but first we discussed earlier tonight was the season premier to the bachelorette here on abc. the bachelor franchise has been successful. it's been going on for, i don't know, 35 years now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a few years ago we had our own hit dating show called the latbachelor starring my nep who is engaged to be married in 2033. we thought it might be fun this time to help a young lady meet her soul meet. it's my privilege to present the season premier of the baby la h bachelorette. tonight, passion, tantrums, and everlasting love. ♪ >> jimmy: meet bianca. he's
she's looking for a husband. >> i'm going to get married and have a pretty dress and be a princess. >> jimmy: 11 tiny suitors await. which one will steal her heart? >> i think my husband is in that limo. jackson is super cute. when he got out of the limo, i was like whoa. come with me. >> first time for everything. >> some bachelors make a strong first impression. >> hi, bianca. >> hi. >> jimmy: others do not. >> daddy, daddy. >> shake her hand. >> what's up with that guy? >> jimmy: in 2013, this little guy's big sister, jesse won it all on the baby bachelor.
>> see this? it's leathered. >> jimmy: with the bachelors getting to know each other in the mansion, drama was already starting to unfold. >> a lot of guys here are crazy. >> jimmy: with a first impression unicorn at stake, the contestants should be on their best behavior. >> everybody is here for the juice boxes. >> jimmy: while some cracked under pressure -- [ crying ] >> jimmy: others kept their eyes on the prize. >> can i talk to you? >> sure. >> i think you're beautiful. >> that's sweet. >> bianca, can i please steal you?
>> sure. [ laughter ] >> she's mine. >> jimmy: with manny at his breaking point, alex makes his point. >> bianca, i want to marry you. you're the best. >> i like his confidence and that he can ride a bike. >> i have no competition. alex rules. >> manny, will you accept this unicorn? >> yeah. >> are you kidding me? >> jimmy: coming up on the baby bachelorette, bianca gets to know the guys. >> hey, gorgeous. >> and the most
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>> jimmy: tonight from through the looking glass, this is her new single called "just like fire", pink is here to chat and play. tomorrow night on the show, collin ferrell, brad paisley and demi lovato. plus donald trump and bernie sanders later in the week. they'll be back to back on wednesday and thursday. our first guest tonight is an internationally beloved actor, dog lover and wearer of hats, including a mad one in "alice through the looking
them did come to have sex with you [ applause ] >> jimmy: specifically. i don't know if that will be happening or what. >> it was the kiss that just took it. one kiss on that -- >> jimmy: speaking of alol poli you gave the greatest apology after the thing in australia. >> these are things you to prepare a long time for, and to be able to tap into the emotion that you need. >> jimmy: yes. you really seemed sincere. some are calling it your greatest performance ever. >> i haven't seen many of them, but i wouldn't disagree. >> jimmy: you don't like to watch yourself on camera. >> no, but i didn't mind watching that one. >> jimmy: i would like to watch this one because i have about 5,000 questions about it. >> australia is a wonderful island with a treasure-trove of unique plants and
>> it's free of many pests and diseases. that's why they have to have such strong biosecurity laws. >> and australians are unique, warm and direct. when you obey the law, they will tell you firmly. >> i am truly sorry that our animals weren't declared. >> declare everything when you enter australia. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow, the passion. >> that was -- i, you know, i played that sort of, you know, anti-government australia, you know, when someone threatens to euthanize your dog just after -- >> jimmy: tiny dogs. tiny little dogs you brought in. >> yeah, minuscule, like, weird, tiny, teacup
clearly dangerous in australia, because there's so many poisonous creatures in australia, you could die at any minute. >> jimmy: what a great thing for tourism. >> so the dogs were obviously a problem. >> jimmy: was that -- who wrote that? >> um -- [ laughter ] >> a genius. >> jimmy: and who directed that, that presentation? was there anybody kind of telling you what to do? >> you know who directed that? >> jimmy: who? >> um, the iphone. >> jimmy: the iphone directed it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was there one take or more than one take? >> sometimes you have to giggle a little. >> jimmy: and did you watch it back after before releasing it? >> no, because i didn't want to kill myself. [ laughter and
>> jimmy: are you and amber free and clear in australia or is there still trouble if you try to go to that country? >> i think the choice they made to utilize the taxpayer's dollars to globally chase down a couple of teacup yorkies and give them 50 hours to live, i realized the badness of my ways. >> jimmy: sure. i would hope so. >> i was kind of repenting in that. >> jimmy: isn't it heartening in a way to know we're not the only dumb country, though? i mean, to find out that it's not just us doing stupid stuff, that australia -- well, it seems like one guy in australia made a big guy out of
barn bee joyce is the guy's name. >> he looks like somehow inbred with a tomato. >> jimmy: he sounds delicious. >> it's not a criticism. i'm just saying. >> jimmy: not at all. quite the contrary. >> i was a little worried. >> jimmy: he may have been cross bred? >> no, he just might explode. >> jimmy: you have a fragrance. he did not ask me to mention it, but i want to mention it. it's called kausauvage. i assume that's savage in french. some jokesters have been adding an s to your advertisements. that's sausages. and this one, i like this one the best, because this one they went to the trouble of posting a little sausage on the --
[ laughter ] ? >> nothing made me happier. >> jimmy: i wouldn't be surprise first down it was you doing it. >> i wish i could take credit for that. >> jimmy: your daughter has been named the face of -- what is it? >> chanel. >> jimmy: yeah. that's crazy. >> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: she's 16 years old, right? >> indeed, yeah. >> jimmy: is there pressure on your son to now be the face of a product? i mean, my sister was the face of something, i would have to be the face of something also. >> no. my son doesn't give a rat's ass. no. he wants to draw and skateboard and make music and that's pretty much it. >> jimmy: and smell like sausage. >> there's that. he's starting a band. >> jimmy: he is? >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that fun for
>> jimmy: what instrument does he play? >> guitar? >> jimmy: you taught him. >> he caught on real quick, but the name is interesting. i was very proud, i got to say. >> jimmy: what is it? >> clown boner. >> jimmy: clown boner. i like it a lot. johnny depp is here. we'll be right back. i struggle with bipolar depression, and it's hard. i miss out on life's little moments. ♪ so i talked to my doctor and he prescribed latuda. there are many forms of depression. latuda is fda approved to treat bipolar depression, which is different from other types of depression. in clinical studies, once-a-day latuda was proven effective
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>> hatter? it's you. you're you again. >> if not, i wish i was. >> yes. well, no. i mean, not yet. >> it's funny, i feel i should know you. >> we have met once when i was younger. >> i'm afraid i don't recall. >> that's because it hasn't happened yet. >> oh. when will it happen? >> years from now when you're older. >> i'll meet you when you're younger and i'm older? >> i realize it doesn't muc
i'm terrence. >> i'm alice. >> we seem to have time all mixed up. >> jimmy: opens in theaters on friday. is that fun to make a movie like that with all your stuff on your face? >> yeah. for me, it's my preference. >> jimmy: does it make it easier for you? i know you don't like watching yourself. to see yourself when you have something on and you're covered with things? >> i'd rather not have to look at myself, yeah. anymore. >> jimmy: the more stuff on you, the merrier. >> yeah, the more you can hide, the more you can find some other area to sort of mess around in. because your first responsibility, really, is to not bore the audience. you know? don't bore these guys. if i come out of the gate the same every time, it might be get boring.
choice of hats you wore here. i think the mad hatter, could make america great again. [ applause ] >> jimmy: by the way, i saw that funny or die video you did where you impersonated donald trump. that was pretty spectacular. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i would never have imagined that was in you anywhere. >> when i spoke with adam mccay and they were talking to me about doing it, they said how would you like to make a feature film in four days because we need to get it ready for a caucus, how would you like to play donald trump? i had no idea. i mean, it's -- >> jimmy: you'd never imitated him before? >> never. >> jimmy: i assumed they'd seen you do it at a party or something and they said that's great, we should make a movie around this. >> no. can you see me imitating people at parties? >> jimmy: no, but it's so good. i mean, it seems like something that you really, you at least had a running start on. >> well, i got
because he's sensational, absolutely fabulous. >> jimmy: have you heard from him? did you get any feedback from him? >> he stopped calling me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he did? i'm sorry to hear that. i really am. >> he stopped just like that. >> jimmy: it's good to see you. the movie is a lot of fun to watch. it's called "alice through the looking glass ". . we'll be right back with pink. w. you know we said we'd take a look at our retirement plan today. we'll be right back with pink. not now! i'm cleaning the oven! , " we'll be right back with pink. " we'll be right back with pink. ." we'll be right back with pink. " we'll be right back with pink. well i'm learning snapchamp! chat. chat! changing the oil... (vo) it's surprising what people would rather do than deal with retirement. pressure-washing the... roses. aerating the lawn! (vo) but with nationwide it's no big deal. okay, your retirement plan is all set.
>> jimmy: how are you? >> hi. >> jimmy: really good to see you. >> you too. >> jimmy: i want to mention. i say this to my wife every time there's an award show. i don't think you get enough credit for how great your performances are. [ applause ] >> jimmy: every single time. it seems like you put a lot of thought into them. is that true? >> i do. >> jimmy: are you trying to top yourself each time? >> i'm trying to sound good while doing a lot of other things. >> jimmy: and you sound great, but you're doing a lot of things. >> my mom would like me to sit down. >> jimmy: she would? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and every once in a while you do sit down, and it's extra effective because it's like now you're really showing that you have the goods. >> it's like when i whisper at willow. >> jimmy: yeah. >> not used to it. willow is my daughter. >> jimmy: when you whisper to your kid, all the sudden they think -- how old
daughter? five next month. is she excited about this "alice through the looking glass". >> she was in the music video. she apparently thought she was going to be in the film, that it would be in the film. she's disappointed in me because it's just a music video. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: she was hoping to see herself in the theater? >> yeah. we had johnny dep's stunt double, and developed quite a crush. >> jimmy: do you know johnny himself? >> i met him once. >> jimmy: tonight? >> no. i dodged that. >> jimmy: why? >> i can't talk. >> jimmy: oh, you have a crush on him? [ cheers and applause ] >> i can't do it. him and michael keaton. i can't -- beatle juice gets me every time. >> jimmy: johnny depp and
michael keaton. >> yeah, that's it. >> jimmy: have you met michael? >> i dodged him as well at a restaurant. i got under my table and left. >> jimmy: you did? wow. what happened when you met johnny depp? >> i didn't want to meet him. my husband made me meet him which was so dumb. i was hiding behind records in a record store. i was like don't do this. i don't want to meet him, and he made me do it. >> jimmy: i think he did the right thing. >> i don't think it went well. >> jimmy: it didn't? >> i don't feel like i nailed it. >> jimmy: why? >> i went up to him and i'm like hey, i saw "alice". i'm going to be writing a song. >> he's like you saw alice cooper? i'm like no, i saw the movie, alice. anyway, you were great. he's like oh, i thought you were telling me you saw alice cooper. i'm like no, i didn't meet alice cooper. i'm going to do the movie -- anyway. you just keep pushing on, i'm like oh, for
like thanks, honey. that was great. >> jimmy: that's really good advice. you have kept on pushing on. >> i'm going to keep pushing on. >> jimmy: when you get hired to write -- i assume you get hired to write a song for a movie, they come to you and say will you write something for us, something original. you said you sit down and watch it and then you come up with something you think might fit? >> yeah. you watch the movie, because when i write for myself, it's narcissistic. it's sort of what are my problems today? and for a movie you have to put yourself in that story, and for alice, it was really easy, because i can relate to her character. >> jimmy: it was easy? >> it was really easy. >> jimmy: was this the first time you wrote a movie song? >> it's the first time a song has been accepted. it's not the first time i've tried. >> jimmy: really? what other movies? >> so many. it's ridiculous. a lot of people involved. >> jimmy: oh, by committee they decide? >> for my record, it's i
>> jimmy: do you get paid anyway if there's -- >> no. no. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's johnny depp. johnny, go see if michael keaton is in the -- nothing, we're both now flustered. >> you're blushing as well. >> jimmy: i think pink would like a little bit of a kiss. >> no, i'm good. [ cheers and applause ] >> her husband is carrying. >> jimmy: her husband is
>> jimmy: yeah, right. all right, a weapon, i got you. i know what you mean. okay. i think he'd be all right. you think -- would he shoot johnny? [ laughter ] >> he'd shoot me. >> jimmy: johnny, run. wow, you're really. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh, my god. i'm so blushing. go away. that was awful. you guys, this sucks. i hate you. i hate you. >> jimmy: i didn't have anything to do with it. guillermo is one t one who should have stopped him at the door. you just turned the color of your hair. >> this is the worst day ever. >> jimmy: a little flustered is fun every once in a while. we're going to go outside and close down the
you especially. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: you okay? tonight i want to feel your neck to see if it's hot. oh, wow, it's really hot. pink's neck is really hot right now, and -- >> i'm all right. >> jimmy: and fittingly, her song is called "just like fire". we'll be back. .". we'll be back. we'll be back. ." we'll be back. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. z2026z
i want it all mmm mmm and i'm wishing ♪ ♪ they'd stop tryna turn me off i want it on mmm mmm and i'm walking ♪ ♪ on a wire trying to go higher feels like i'm surrounded by clowns and liars ♪ ♪ even when i give it all away i want it all mmm mmm we came here to run it ♪ ♪ run it run it we came here to run it run it run it just like fire ♪ ♪ burning up the way if i can light the world up for just one day ♪ ♪ watch this madness colorful charade no one can be just like me any way ♪ ♪ just like magic i'll be flying free i'mma disappear when they come for me ♪ ♪ i kick that ceiling what you gonna say no one can be just like me any way ♪ ♪ just like fire uh and people like to laugh at you cause they are all the same ♪
see i would rather we just go a different way than play the game ♪ ♪ and no matter the weather we can do it better you and me together forever and ever ♪ ♪ we don't have to worry 'bout a thing 'bout a thing we came here to run it ♪ ♪ run it run it we came here to run it run it run it just like fire ♪ ♪ burning up the way if i can light the world up for just one day ♪ ♪ watch this madness colorful charade no one can be just like me any way ♪ ♪ just like magic i'll be flying free i'mma disappear when they come for me ♪ ♪ i kick that ceiling what you gonna say no one can be just like me ♪ ♪ any way just like fire run it run it fire fire
run it we came here to run it run it run it ♪ ♪ so look i came here to run it just cause nobody's done it y'all don't think i can ♪ ♪ run it but look i've been here i've done it impossible please ♪ ♪ watch i do it with ease you just gotta believe come on come on with me oh what's a girl to do ♪ ♪ what what hey what's a girl to do what what oh what's a girl to do ♪ ♪ what what oh what's a girl to do just like fire burning up the way ♪ ♪ if i can light the world up for just one day watch this madness ♪ colorful charade no one can be just like me any way just like fire ♪ ♪ burning up the way if i can light the world up for just one day watch this madness ♪ ♪ colorful charade no one can be just like me any way just like magic ♪ ♪ i'll be flying free i'mma disappear when they come for me
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